Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Basic Instinct

Wassup, Y'all!

After nearly getting a South Side beat down by a mother goose who was laying low in the vacinity of her nest (which I inadvertently walked by) I left the scene of the mugging thinking that this 'maternal instinct' thing is some strong mojo. As my mind tends to work, I started thinking how this phenomenon could benefit my homeboys and I believe, with an assist from Jack Nicholson, that I've proven the theory that will provide them with 'Plausible Deniability' the next time they get caught tipping out on their girls...

Here's my theory. We all know the maternal instinct - the hardwired, shorty behavior to protect their children at all costs - is pretty much universally acknowledged. Everybody likes it, everybody feels good about because it's a good thing. So this establishes the fact that humans retain instinctual behavior. Clearly shortys can't be the only ones with instinctual behaviors so the question is: what instinctual behavior(s) do homeboys have? When Jack Nicholson was asked why he dates younger woman, he said that men have a natural tendency to seek out women who have a better chance of procreating (gotta love Jack, jack). The idea here is that younger women are more fertile - which is technically true.

Okay - so here's the money moment, y'all. In nature, just as a mother goose kicks off her shoes and gets ready to throw down when you get near her nest, a male lion will sleep with a bunch of lionesses to improve his chances of procreating. The idea here is not to put all your eggs in one basket. So who's to say that this instinctual behavior isn't one that's hardwired into the brains of the homeboy nation *and* that it's unavoidable consequence (it's hard to fight instinct, y'all) is that homeboys have to spread their love around with Angela (Basset) and Nichole (Ari Parker) and Sanaa (Lathan) and Vanessa (Williams) and Tyra (Banks) and Rosario (Dawson) and...we'll you get the picture. So homeboys the next time you get caught "butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor", instead of taking Shaggy's advice and saying 'it wasn't me' (dude - she's standing *right* there - how you gonna play like it's not you??) - take the scientific approach and calmly tell your girl that it's a matter of basic instinct and that you were compelled to tap that a**.

The King of The Jungle
Gettin' His Swerve On



Disclaimer: Tyrone Malone, his blog, his mama and/or any entity living or dead that is even remotely associated with Tyrone Malone shall be held harmless and lawsuit free in the event any bodily harm (including mutilations, decapitations, drive bys, burns from hot grease/grits and just straight, foul cold blooded murder) befalls you by trying to run this ploy on your girl. Personal results may vary.

Monday, March 28, 2005

BK 2 Obese America: Kiss My Omelet!

Wassup, Y'all!

There was a time back in the day where corporations at least profiled like they had at least a shred of social responsibility and conscientiously tried to soft pedal the notion that it wasn't all about the ducets. But in this era of full disclosure, with bold pronouncements of "oily discharges" and "four hour erections" I guess it comes as no surprise that the company designed to let you 'have it your way' is really letting you have it...

If you needed any further evidence that it really is all about the money, look no further than the heralded roll out of Burger King's new breakfast monstrosity. Maestro - the glossy if you please:

The Enormous Omelet Sandwich
The New Two Tons Of Fun

The tale of the tape:

Weight: 267 grams
Calories: 730
Calories from fat: 420
Total fat: 47 grams
Saturated fat: 17 grams
Cholesterol: 414 milligrams
Sodium: 1860 milligrams (are you kidding me!? Why not just eat salt from the shaker?)
Major Arteries blocked after eating: 4
Pounds gained by just thinking about ordering this bad boy: 12

Word on the street is that the EO Sandwich is already a multi-award winner garning such prestigious awards as the "That Don't Make No Got Damn Sense" Humanitarian Award and the "Instant Heart Attack On a Plate" Medical Citizenship Award, as well as a Best of Show in the "Fatty McNasty Gallery of Gluttony"

Burger King - come on now! We're out here trying to do the right thing and eat right. What's next? An optional 40 of malt liquor in all your South Side outlets? Shame, shame.



P.S. And Burger King - what's the deal with pimping out my boy Hootie (Darius Rucker from Hootie and the Blowfish) in some purple cowboy duds and getting him to sing that corny Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch song? Hootie - if you needed some quick cash, homeboy you could have called me! Dude - I don't care how hot the models are - it's a self respect thing man!

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Whitney: It's Time Homegirl

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - am I the only brother on the planet who's wondering what else needs to happen for Whitney Houston to finally drop kick Bobby Brown's a**? If Jennifer Aniston can knuckle up and file on Brad Pitt, what's Whitney's hold up? There comes a time, whether you're a homeboy or homegirl, when you realize that the one you're with is dragging you down like cement shoes in the Hudson River. With Friday's revelation that Whitney's headed back to rehab, you have to wonder if Bobby hasn't already pushed her off the back of the boat...

First - we all have to admit there's no shame in the game of admitting a mistake, particularly a mistake of the heart. Despite our complex behavior (particularly all that emotional shorty behavior) we're all wired pretty simply - show a guy a hot shorty in a low cut top and tight jeans and we're already wondering how we can ditch the girl we're with to get with that. Show a shorty a homey with an easy grin and a six pack you can wash clothes on and she's already picturing china patterns and how their kids will look. I'm not exactly sure what it was that Whitney saw in Bobby from jumpstreet (we damn sure know Bobby was seeing some big a** dollar signs...) but whatever it was it hooked old girl harder than two rocks of back alley crack.

Let's recap shall we?

Pre-Bobby Whitney
Misty Water Colored Memories
Of the Way She Was

Based on information gleaned from we find:

Before Bobby:
- Three albums released, two go to #1, one goes to #3 (excludes soundtracks)
- 51 million copies sold
- 0 stints in rehab
- 0 incidents in Honolulu Airport with weed in her purse
- 0 domestic abuse calls to police
- 0 letters written to husband in county lock up

After Bobby:
- Five albums released, 0 #1's, 1 #5, 1 #9, 1 #13, 1 #49 and 1 didn't rank in the US
- 19.8 million copies sold
- 2 stints in rehab
- 1 incident in Honolulu Airport with weed in her purse
- 1 domestic abuse call to police
- 2,500 letters written husband in county lock up

Y'all get the picture. When is enough enough? The self proclaimed King of R&B (this after seven albums in 10 years - one a remix album and another a Greatests Hits album - and none since 2000) needs to exercise his perogative and bounce. But then it probably wouldn't matter anyway. Any brother with the power to morph Whitney's butt from the glossy above to the glossy below has got to be pumping some industrial strength mojo that Whitney won't let go.

Bobby Era Whitney
Crack is Whack

Maa fact, my archeological field crew has determined that it was none other than B. Brown who architected that whole thug-love-I-need-a-soldier phenomenon mentioned in my Surviving Destiny's Child column back in November. A cautionary tale for all you shortys out there - be careful what you wish for... On the flip side homeboys, Robin Givens is still roaming around single - be very afraid....



Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Madness in a Bottle

Wassup, Y'all!

As I scour the known world for post material (yes, y'all I actually do put a little thought into my posts...) there's one rule I always go by called "The Rule of Three" and it goes like this: If I see something I haven't seen before pop up three times while I'm idly handling my business - it's automatic post material. In this case, I read an article in Reuters that tipped the balance toward a potent green concoction called Absinthe also known as (accurately it seems) Madness in a Bottle. See that's a nickname that to me just screams out Try Me!...

A Glass of Absinthe Served Traditionally
Hmmm...looks innocent enough...

So the deal is you pour five parts cold water (over the sugar cube to melt it into the water) to every part Absinthe then guzzle it down. Careful movie watchers will recognize this as the beverage Susan Sarandon was serving Jude Law in Alfie (sighting #1). Just last night, Little Cujo (my dog) stepped on the remote (no lie!) as I was getting ready to call it a night and flipped the channel to a late night showing of EuroTrip on HBO. Now I never would have watched this joint ordinarily but the little I saw got me laughing and encouraged me to check it out for a while and eventually the four American kids found their way to a nightclub in some jacked up eastern European burg and started drinking some Absinthe (which seems to be banned in most parts of the world) (sighting #2). Two of the kids were brother and sister and they got so jacked up on Absinthe that they started french kissing each other on the dance floor without realizing who they were kissing (yes y'all - that is freaky)! So now the Absinthe notion is percolatin'. Then today, I read that Switzerland, which banned Absinthe in 1910, just recently legalized it again (sighting #3).

First, big ups to my Swiss readers (who seem to like to pop in just to check out the Fergie pics I posted - no hatin on that y'all - I like your taste (even more so now)!) Second, y'all need to hook a brother up with a bootleg bottle since the Green Fairy is banned here in the U.S.!! A quick peep at the Who's Who of Absinthe drinkers gives more than a little credence to the nickname Madness in a Bottle, to wit: Vincent Van Gogh (chopped off his ear), Ernest Hemingway (shotgun in the mouth), Oscar "Buck" Wilde (convicted of homosexual acts and did hard time), Toulouse-Lautrec (heavy drinking brought on a stroke), Picasso (you ever peep his paintings?) and the hits go on. So I'm starting my letter writing campaign today to get the embargo dropped so we Americans can begin to enjoy our own "Heure Verte" (Green Hour). It's all about the GREEN, y'all - bump St. Paddy's Day. I'm looking for an Absinthe Day (and one of those mature, sexy shortys like Susan Sarandon or Teri Hatcher to show me the way...)

Susan Sarandon
My designated tour guide through the madness

If y'all don't hear from me for a few - you know the deal. Keep it on the down low. I don't need any U.S. Customs officials all up in my video. Now where did I put those sugar cubes....



P.S. Big ups to Terri Hatcher - #7 on FHM's 100 Sexiest Woman 2005 list. My girl Halle was holding it down for the South Side sisters with a strong #5. In the "I'm not surprised" category - Britney Spears didn't even make the list...

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Quoth The Raven, 'Nevermore Homey'

Wassup, Y'all!

As in Nevermore will this homey fill out an NCAA bracket!! Man, my joint got so blasted on the way to the Sweet 16 that I would have done better going to Lincoln Park Zoo and handing my bracket to a blind monkey drinking a forty of Schlitz Malt Liquor...

Yeah - This guy would have worked...

Just when a homey needed to display his basketball picking prowess to clinch the deal with a smack talking shorty at the sports bar, he's rendered mortal by brackets full of kryptonite! Oh the shame...and just when I was cracking on Pheebs for not getting her picks in on time. Karma has a way of balancing things out.

Weather or not...I'm a frequent reader of the Chicago Sun Times and I must say I appreciate their creativity when highlighting the day's weather. They always have a one word summary that perfectly describes the situation. Lately as Spring has struggled to overcome the Winter chill and temperatures have fluctuated wildly, they've propped such descriptions as 'Sassy', 'Soggy', 'Annoying' and a few of my all time favorites, 'It ain't over' (okay not one word...), 'Ridiculous' and today's tag 'Heartless' as we clocked in at around 38 degrees F on the second day of Spring. Gotta love a paper with a great sports section and a sense of humor...

Harajuku Girls...Caught Gwen Stefani (aka Ste-finey) and Eve on GMA performing 'Rich Girl'. Man, what a homey wouldn't do to find himself wedged in the middle of all that (although Gwen is pretty damn quirky and Eve looks like she can deliver a first class beat down if you step to her incorrectly...)

Gwen and E-v-e
Can a brother get a minute?

Gwenny's background dancers had old Tyrone reminiscing about the good old days in Japan. Can't explain why I never fell through Harajuku though...

Harajuku Girls
Didn't I see this crew in The Ring 2?

Oh, that's right... Okay - Tyrone Tip: When in Tokyo homeys you may want to leave Harajuku to Gwenny and you head over to Akihabara to indulge your electronic gadget fixation. If you love gadgets then Akihabara is your Valhalla, y'all.



Sunday, March 20, 2005

Everyone will sufferrrrr...

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - in this case that 'everyone' includes everybody silly enough to drop $7 and two hours of time to check out The Ring 2! That joint was weak y'all and I should have seen it coming during the first ten minutes when it failed to pass my Shorty Shriek Test...

Now I'm a horror movie fan from way back - in Tyrone's book there's no better way to initiate some first date contact with shy shorty than to bring them to a flick where something is jumping out of the dark every twenty seconds (Michael Jackson's home videos at Neverland notwithstanding, y'all - those joints are just creepy...). In my expert opinion The Ring (1) started the new horror movie trend cuz that joint was scary. It had it all - a mysterious video that once watched would result in a phone call warning you that you had seven days left to live, a nasty looking little girl presumed dead, drowned in a stone well, who somehow manages to crawl not only out of the well, but through your TV set into your house! Now that's entertainment, y'all.

The Shorty Shriek Test is my patented indicator of a good horror movie. If, in the first ten minutes of the movie, at least one shorty, anywhere in the theater hollers because of the action on the screen (*not* the action in the back row...) then you've got yourself a winner. The Ring Two? Not one shriek, y'all - through the whole damn movie!! That's why horror movie sequels are so hard to pull off - the surprise is gone, you can't rebottle that original, chilling concept, you can only eat yesterday's leftovers... So I can only award The Ring Two 1 Spinner, y'all - half because they showed the trailer to War Of The Worlds - Tom Cruise's upcoming summer blockbuster that's looking hot and half because Naomi Watts was in the movie...

Naomi Watts
Ok - it wasn't all suffering...

Old girl can pull me out of a well anytime...



Thursday, March 17, 2005

Because *she* is my dream...

Wassup, Y'all!

Now before y'all get all touchy feely thinking old Tyrone's caught some feelings for a new mom-worthy shorty, that's not the topic of this post. Rather, I was catching up on some archived Tivo footage and stumbled across a three week old episode of Lost...

In the episode, they were fleshing out the backstory of the Asian couple and the guy (Jin) was asking permission from his future father-in-law to marry his daughter. As father's do, he sweated Jin for a few asking him what his plans were and Jin mumbled something about starting a restaurant then eventually opening his own hotel. So Pop's asked him just what he would do for his daughter and Jin said 'Anything' and Pop's said 'even work for me?' and Jin said 'Yep'. At this reply Pop's said 'Why should I let my daughter marry a man who's so willing to give up on his dreams?" to which Jin replied 'Because *she* is my dream'. And I'm like daaaaamn, that was smooth - I bet every shorty watching the show swooned on the couch at that moment. That was like that whole Jerry McGuire "You complete me" moment and it got me to thinking what damage a guy could do on the shorty population if he could think up these lines on the fly, on demand, without a writer taking hours, days or week's crafting the perfect line. I think Wilt's unbreakable record of sleeping with 20,000 shortys would be in serious jeopardy.

Lil' Kim Guilty!...You knew it was coming but it was a shock just the same. Martha's bunk at Alderson isn't even cold yet and now Lil' Kim could get up to a 20 year bid for her perjury conviction. You got to figure she's gonna have to do at least *some* of that time. I guess now's her opportunity to live up to that J.U.N.I.O.R mafia hood rat reputation. The drama begins at her June sentencing, y'all.

Lil' Kim
Soon to be wearing a
much more sensible ensemble...

Momma noooooo....Leave it to my girl Pheebs to break my groove by hipping me to the fact that my shorty supreme Rosario Dawson is kicking it with Jason Lewis. Now if you're like me (or you haven't watched Sex And The City faithfully), you'll be like who? So after Pheebs dubbed old boy "possibly one of the hottest human beings alive" I just had to post up this joker to get a peep - actually it's a mutual peep since I'm dropping a glossy of the cozy couple for y'all:

Jason & Rosario
Co-winners of the office gene pool

Okay - fair is fair. Pheebs was woman enough to give Vida Guerra her propers and dub her a smokeshow, so I guess I can at least say old boy can get into any party with his platinum mack daddy card. Looks like that *have* to be genetically engineered! You can't tell me that's random, y'all! Now old boy's swooped my girl Rosario. Word is they met up while filming "This Revolution" - the filming of which landed Rosario up on charges and made her the topic of my Free Rosario column - how damn ironic is that??? So they got to talking, one thing led to another and she slid down the coast from her San Fran pad to love shack with JL in LA. When questioned about the move, Rosario dropped the following heartbreaking quote:

"I'm very excited to play house with him!" - Miss (guided) Rosario

Awww, damn, damn, damn! But fear not, y'all - I'm cooking up a plan to have Pheebs swoop Jason and create an opportunity for old Tyrone to come in and console Rosario. Something tells me that's an assignment she'd be down for :-)

I'm out!



Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Who says you can't get closure?

Wassup, Y'all!

For those readers who've been following along, you'll note I've been dropping names (T.O., Nicollette, Lil' Kim, Rosario Dawson, Biggie, Oprah, blah, blah, blah) like suburban kids drop cold medicine, so I figured it's time to revisit a few stories and update the actual factuals. Not quite closure in the "old girl kicked me out of the crib and never told me why" sense, but in a much more rational and entertaining sense...

Oprah & Stedman Call it Quits!...That's right, y'all, you read it here first...unless you read it in the Globe on news stands now. According to 'sources' the romance is gone and since O turned 50, Steddy been steadily moving to the background. "She just doesn't need Stedman anymore. [He] can't keep up with her," confides a long time friend (sounds like our girl Gail King...). "He's there for her when she needs or wants an escort..." Hmmm...sounds familiar.

Entertainment Police Blotter...Lil' Kim's perjury case went to the jury today. If convicted of all charges rap's Hoochie High Priestess could do a 30 year bid. In lighter news, all charges against foine shorty Rosario Dawson have been dropped. No doubt as a result of my 'Free Rosario' column (Rosario: Homegirl I'm figuring a date or two is in order and maybe a free pass to the Sin City premiere!)

Rosario Dawson
Owes Tyrone Malone a Solid

FBI Closes Case in Notorious B.I.G. suspects, no arrests, no damn sense. How fast did they catch that homey in Atlanta who busted out? 24, 25 minutes? Oh that's right, he didn't shoot a thug rapper...or Vanilla Ice.

T.O and Nicollette ruled not indecent...I could have told y'all that. I've seen Victoria's Secret bra commercials hotter than that locker room scene and those joints come on all the time. Sometime the advertisers just get it right, y'all. Tyra, Victoria's Secret, bras, wooooo. Hmmm, I'm thinking that whole dust up had more to do with the outrage that T.O. was black and Nicollette was white than any moral outrage over a shot of her naked back...but that's just me.

Finally, since I'm wearing her cut, Girlfight, out in the hoopty, it's only fair to drop a glossy of 'smack down' shorty Brook Valentine. Word on her debut Chain Letter CD is good. How can it not with a follow up single called I Want You Dead? Hmmm...might want to be on your best date behavior with homegirl...

Brook Valentine
Beware the left hook

I'm out, y'all!



Saturday, March 12, 2005

Billionaire shortys waiting for your call!

Wassup, Y'all!

If you're like me, you've spent a few minutes perusing a list you'll likely never be on - the Forbes Billionaires list. However, if you check out the details you *can* glean a few nuggets that will either 1) make you happy, 2) give you hope and a goal to shoot for. My item #1 was fulfilled by the news that former BET owner and resident buster Bob Johnson has fallen off the list...

Yes, yes, y'all. Fast buck Bob had fallen off the list, clocking in with a measly $700 million. Knowing him he'll be trying to get cuts in the food stamp line next week. It turns out his reversal of fortune came courtesy of the former Mrs. Bob Johnson and her decision to leave his tired a**. Fellas - it's the same cautionary tale -- choose wisely and get to know your good friend Prenup. Prenup may not always be able to save you from the irrational thinking of your sex minded partner Jimmy, but think of homeboy as your cut buddy who'll come bail your a** out of jail at two in the morning and keep it quiet after your married a** gets caught up in a prostitution sting down in Cicero. You can't buy friends like that, y'all. Anyway, Mrs. Johnson is sitting pretty with her half - $700 million - a very saavy return on investment. Can't hate on that - old girl swooped it fair and square.

Now to address item #2 - "give you hope and a goal to shoot for". The thoughtful folks at Forbes sliced and diced that list twelve ways to Sunday, but one very useful slice was the 'Eligible Bachelorette' cut. That's right homeys - there are billionaire shortys waiting for your call! Now if you factor in the sweet play Mrs. Bob Johnson pulled, you can begin to concoct a scenario that has you married, divorced and chilling in your $46 million dollar mountaintop villa in St. Lucia in no time at all. Unfortunately, I missed my window of opportunity with the billionaire shorty I had my eye on - Maria Asuncion Aramburuzabala, the Mexican beer heiress.

Maria Aramburuzabala
Net Worth: $1.8 Billion

Although only rocking a 6.2 on the Shorty Daaamn Meter, our relationship wouldn't have been based on the superficiality of physical appearance anyway. No y'all, I've outgrown such childish trifleness. Ours would have been a relationship based on an appreciation of two things 1) tall cheddar and 2) fine Mexican beer as old girl holds a 15% stake in Mexican beer giant Grupo Modelo, maker of Corona and Negra Modelo - my two favorite brews (especially Negra Modelo). It would have been a marriage made in heaven, y'all, but alas it was not to be. No sooner was her divorce final from husband #1 when the U.S. Ambassador to Mexico back doored me and married homegirl one month later. Fellas - take note: You snooze, you lose!! So get to work homeboys - check out the list, dust off your archive DVDs of American Gigolo and The Mack and start working your game. Play your cards right and old Tyrone might just see your name on the 2006 list (in which case all I'm asking for is my customary 10% for puttin' the notion in motion...)



Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Jamie Foxx: I like 'em Thick

Wassup, Y'all!

For those who missed Jamie Foxx's interview with Barbara Walters just before the Oscars, the 'em he likes thick are woman. For those of you north of the south side, 'thick' is a term the homeys use to describe women who cross the spectrum from 'solid' (Alicia Keyes) to voluptuous (Queen Latifah) to BBW (Mo'Nique). It's a category where skinny or buff shortys need not apply and it leads to the valid question - Do brothers really prefer bigger woman vs. our north side counterparts?...

Now as much as I hate to post non-pristine glossies, I'll post one of Alicia which illustrates what one version of thick is (no flame posts, y'all - Alicia described herself as thick in an interview I heard and dropped the following quote regarding her appreciation of tight jeans: "I prefer to show my hips and butt for what they are.") Woooo - we prefer that too Alicia! Anyway, here's the glossy:

Alicia Keyes
Showing her jeans no mercy

On the above scale, this is about where old Tyrone registers his vote. Solid, sexy, not too skinny (Lara Flynn Boyle/Calista Flockhart) and not fat nasty like Anna Nichole before TrimSpa. Queen Latifah-esque is intriguing but I prefer doing my bench pressing in the gym (though if a free tap opportunity presented itself - I doubt I'd say no...). Apparently Jamie prefers his thickness on the Mo'Nique scale (though that's hard to judge by his recent hang out shorty Leila Archieri) as he mentioned when he walked his high school hallways with his sweetheart, they looked like the number 10.

Mo'Nique is definitely Two Tons of Fun - I like her sense of humor and the way she carries herself and her opening at last year's BET Awards, where she copped some Beyonce dance moves, was off the hook. She was pretty prophetic when she finished her number and warned the "skinny video girls" that they better watch out. It wasn't more than a couple months later that Ludacris dropped his "Get Back" video and featured a stable of big sisters as back up dancers.

So in honor of Mo'Nique, I'll drop a very non-traditional Tyrone Malone glossy (one time only!) to give old girl her propers:

Usher & Mo'Nique
Another brother who likes 'em thick

Hmmmm...kinda looks like old girl swallowed Jenny Craig....

Where's the beef now?...Now that peace and love has broken out again between 50 Cent and The Game (now that 50's CD is racking up huge numbers - the hype is no longer needed...), word comes to TM that my girl Free from 106 & Park is beefing with salsa hot shorty Julissa Bermudez. Seems the BET stage ain't big enough for two hot shortys - especially since Free was there first. Stop hatin' Free! If there was room enough for two up on The Roof (according to The Drifters), there ought to be enough room at BET too.

I'm out!



DBF Searching for Stedman Graham, Jr.

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, I caught Oprah's girl Gail King on GMA today popping some yang about being "Suddenly Single" and her trials of being a divorced single mom on the dating circuit and I'm thinking - "Wait a minute - your girl is like the richest shorty on the planet and you're crying about how hard it is to find a good man?" I believe we have this week's winner of the Shut-up-and-sit-down award, y'all...

I have a policy I like to stick to - if you have a friend - male or female - who's booking more than eight figures a year, you need to step off and leave the complaining to the professionals (those would be those folks struggling along, living day to day, figuring out how to leave a dead end job, figuring out how to find a job, wondering where their meal is coming from, sleeping on the street, etc.). Besides - unless you're just in it for the money, travel and entertainment hobnobbing (and what homeboy isn't :-) ), you're probably saying "Now why would I want to hook up with Gail? She's going to spend all her time hanging out with Oprah cuz Oprah doesn't even hang with her own man Stedman Graham (and poor Stedman's so proud, he doesn't even list Oprah in his bio - that's tight, y'all). Case in point - did y'all see Oprah sitting with Stedman at the Oscars? Me neither. So if you were Gail's man, you'd be hanging out in the closet with Stedman - only to be brought out occasionally to catch a sandwich and maybe be an escort to an event from time to time... But just try tipping out to tap a little a** on the side cuz you aren't getting it at home and you'll quickly find out what a good friend Oprah is when you find yourself in some Peruvian prison on trumped up drug charges - it's a no win situation, homeys. Tyrone's advice - steer clear!

Hoopty Tunes...y'all should now see a new entry in the sidebar - my new school/old school play lists in rotation in the hoopty. At the moment, new school is tilted toward 50 Cent (likely to tip a little further now that his CD has dropped). On the old school side you'll see I had to drop a little Donna Summer in honor of her being mom to Shorty on the Rise - Brooklyn Sudano. I would have put Earth, Wind and Fire down there too but those boys go without saying... Note the shout out to Pheebs with Brook Valentine's Girlfight - that's one shorty you want on your side at the bar when the mayhem breaks out, y'all!

And finally - a Shorty Spotlight update! Our spotlight falls on east side shorty Kelly Hu. Why? Glad you asked - though it's not like I need a reason to drop a glossy up in this piece but let me hit you with one on GP.

Kelly Hu

Tah Dowww, y'all. Proof positive that beauty is a global phenomenon...Woooooo



Saturday, March 05, 2005

All Twisted Up In The Game

Wassup, Y'all!

How can a movie with Christina Milian, Cedric The Entertainer, The Rock and Vince Vaughn not work? On second thought, don't answer that, y'all. You're right - I brought it on myself. Granted there were a few high spots in the movie Be Cool - Andre Benjamin, Vince Vaughn and The Rock (shorty Christina goes with out saying...) - to name three, but the sum of its part equaled a dry a** time at the movies...

Man, my money would have had more impact burning in an oil drum, keeping the homeless folks under Wacker warm for the night. Every now and then you can go against the critics and catch a break, but not this go round. As one critic from so eloquently put it: "Be Cool, be lukewarm, just be somewhere else."

In happier news, I did spot a cute shorty on 106 and Park last night getting crowd reactions to Mariah Carey's new video sneak peek. Julissa Bermudez only got about 20 seconds of air time, but what a twenty seconds it was, y'all. She's been flying under my radar (but comes to BET as a hot property from the Latin TV dial where she hosted a TRL style joint called The Roof (clearly The Roof was on fire over at Mun2!)). She's now hosting BET's "The Center" if you're looking for a longer peep. I'm seeing another Shorty on the Rise.

Julissa Bermudez

All Roads Lead Back to 50...Just when I thought I'd be through with my comments on 50 Cent and The Game (believe me I'm tired of it too, y'all), I happen to catch the making of their collaborative video "Hate It Or Love It" (a cut on The Game's new CD). That's another hot cut and it's interesting to see that that whole video was pretty much shot on a soundstage in front of a green screen - so all those shots of rolling through Compton and New York and flying around in a Gulf Stream IV (G4) were just slick special effects. Man - are those two even real or were they digitally rendered too? *sigh* Those were happier days for 50 and Game - they were just a couple of carefree kids then. And since when did Gangsta Rap go high tech? Shoot - I miss the days of Ice Cube and NWA standing on the corner drinking 40's and keeping an eye out for drive bys while shooting their videos. Now it's just a business cranking out little mini rap/clothing/Pimp Juice empires. Can't hate on that though - that's all part of the American Dream too.



Friday, March 04, 2005

Diary of A Barbershop Bootleg

Wassup, Y'all!

I fell through the barbershop today to get my lid lowered and - no lie - had plans to check out the late night showing of Tyler Perry's Diary of A Mad Black Woman since old boy is showing up all over the dial today because his movie debuted at #1 last week. I saw his mug on Good Morning America and Oprah kicking it with unique looking shorty Kimberly Elise... Anyway, I'm chilling in the on deck circle, waiting for my chair to open up and my barber pops a DVD into the player and damn if two seconds later I'm not watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman on his TV...

Kimberly Elise

And I'm like daaaaamn - that joint just came out in the theaters! My barber just cheeses and pulls out another DVD from a short stack next to the player - full DVD jacket with cover art - Will Smith's Hitch poster - and he tells me it's Double Feature night in the shop - DMBW and Hitch - and neither joint is even out of the theater yet. Where the hell have I been, y'all? I know I may accidently download a cut when I can't find it on iTunes but when did studio movies start getting posted on the Net at the same time they get released to the theaters? If I wasn't such a fine, upstanding citizen (and a brother who actually appreciates seeing a movie on the BIG screen) I'd probably be getting my cease and desist letter from AMPAS.

Quiet as it's kept, that's the first movie bootleg I've seen - no lie, y'all. And if you can get past the flickering, sound fading in and out and the guilt of depriving the family of that Hollywood set painter who appears in the industry's anti-piracy PSAs - they aren't half bad. So guess I'll just have to switch gears and catch Christina Milian in Be Cool tonight! A few of my homeys have been concerned that lately I've been kicking it to the movie show solo, but I'm here to report - there's no shame in that game, y'all. Just pretend you're a movie critic and sit in the back.

MC back in effect...Caught today's 106 and Park and see my girl Mariah Carey is coming back hard. They debuted her first cut - It's Like That - off her upcoming CD, The Emancipation of Mimi and it's hot - I like it. Old girl's coming with it South Side, y'all - reaching deep into her black roots. If I wasn't watching her on the video I would have sworn I was listening to Ciara or Ashanti. She's trying to hit that sweet spot vocal vibe that's the flavor of the minute. Fear not though, during the interview she dropped a who's who of collaborators on the CD - The Neptunes, Kanye West, Snoop Dizzle, Nelly and Twista to name a few - said she'd be kickin' her signature ballads as well. Should be thumpin' - due out 4/12, y'all. Naturally such an auspicious occasion deserves a come back glossy.

Mariah Carey
Hittin' A High Note (or two...)

Woooo. I'm Audi!



Thursday, March 03, 2005

The most dangerous place in NYC

Wassup, Y'all!

Where's the most dangerous place in New York City? The subway stop in Flatbush? The corner alley in Bed-Stuy or Jamaica, Queens? Naw forget that noise, the most dangerous place hands down in NYC is the sidewalk just outside of 395 Hudson Street, the home of radio station Hot 97. A day without a rapper entourage shooting at that joint is like a day without sunshine...

For a taste of the recent actual factuals between recently mentioned rapper 50 Cent and his (former) G-Unit protege The Game, check out the in-depth post on 2 Guys. I had heard about that joint and the back and forth back biting that gives shorty catfights a bad name, but my interest is focused on the aftermath of a previous incident at 395 Hudson involving rap hoochie Lil' Kim back in 2001.

Lil' Kim
Her Royal Hoochie-ness

As her perjury trial gets under way, word is that LK got caught lying about about the whereabouts of her manager during another shooting there. I'm the most surprised person in the building, y'all. Not Lil' Kim.

Cash Register Ringing in Eagle, Colorado...In the world's second biggest non-surprise, Mack Daddy Kobe Bryant and his accuser have decided to settle their civil spat. No monetary details have yet been disclosed, but you can be sure that the newly married accuser, her new, perfect timing husband and her soon-to-be-born May baby will all be spending tall cheddar at Baby Gap real soon. It'll just be a matter of time before they're next door neighbors with Britney and Kev...

Chris, Katie, Denise and Charlie...Something must be in the water out in Hollywood. First Brad and Jen, now comes word that Katie Holmes and Chris Klein are calling it quits. You have to figure despite the wedding plans that Katie hasn't quite kicked her habit of crawling through guys windows at night and Chris finally got hip to those shenanigans. And if that weren't enough, White She-Devil, Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are throwing in the towel. Now with Denise already six months pregnant with their 2nd child you have figure something underhanded was going on. It's not a stretch to figure that she caught serial booty tapper Charlie with a copy of Jenna Jameson's book, "How to make love like a porn star : A Cautionary Tale" under his pillow since she's down for the count until the baby drops. That's tacky homeboy! Although I did flip through a couple chapters of Jenna's book in the book store and my fingers are still smokin...muy caliente, y'all! Fellas - just a peek at who'll be joining Dayanara Torres back on the dating circuit in about four months...

Denise Richards
aka Charlie's Baby's Momma

Happy Birthday, Tone Loc! I got my glass of Funky Cold Medina raised up high for ya, homey!



Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Spending 50 Cent in the Candy Shop...

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - I gotta hand it to my boy 50 Cent. Fiddy's getting a lot of mileage out of the same flavored cuts. Is it me or does Candy Shop sound like a warmed over version of Magic Stick?... Don't get me wrong, I like that cut and I've been thumpin' it in the hoopty, what with all that lollypop licking and spot hittin' going on (and you got to give at least a couple snaps to old girl for keepin' it real during her hook by crooning "...I'll have you spending all you got..." - a sly reference to how easily a shorty can separate a brother (aka fool) from his money (aka cheddar)) - Can a brother get an amen?

And I at least need to give Halle Berry a half snap for having the heart (and good humor) to personally pick up her Razzie Award for Worst Actress just before the Oscars on Sunday. I'm keeping an eye out for her in Oprah's latest production (heretofore known as a Oprah Winfry Joint) - Their Eyes Were Watching God. Based on the previews it looks like Halle gets into some shenanigans (which will always hold a brother's interest - unless Oprah pops up in a cameo...). Man - when's Oprah gonna break down and present an action movie with some hot car chases and explosions? I find it a little hard to hang through those literary joints without a couple cans of Rockstar Energy Drink on hand...

And what's up with the Oscars watering down my boy Chris Rock? What happened to bringing the pain? Word on the street is he changed his joke about Renee Zelwegger from "After gaining 40 lbs to play Bridget Jones, I hear she gained 80 lbs to play Starr Jones" to "After gaining 40 lbs to play Bridget Jones, I hear she gained 80 lbs to play Deacon Jones". Not the same pop, y'all. A Starr Jones joke always goes over big. And I was happy to find out that the tattoo across the back of Jamie Foxx's head wasn't part of his homage to Mike Tyson but rather part of the role he's filming for his newest movie "Jarhead".

Finally, y'all know I can't close without posting at least one glossy so I'm torn between three shortys, all of whom were on the last episode of 'Kevin Hill' (aka my show!) - Eva Pigford (winner of America's Next Top Model - Cycle 3), Meagan Good (rocking the house everywhere she goes) and sleeper shorty Christina Hendricks (who they've got the nerve to play up as a frump on the show - lately she's been Boom Powin' it all over the set!). Only one way to play it, y'all - one potato, two potato, three potato, four...

Meagan Good
The Hot Potato

I'll save Eva and Christina for a rainy day... :-)