Monday, February 16, 2009

Ty's Quarterly Dumb A$$ Awards

Wassup, Y'all!

Guess who's back?

Back and fired up, y'all! There's been a week's worth of triflin' shananigans goin' on which I feel are more than worth ol Ty dustin' off a new batch of Dumb A$$ statuettes. Now let me first hip y'all to the fact that the Dumb A$$ies, as we in the biz have taken to calling the awards, were actually inspired by my boy Cat Daddy who is quick to call someone a 'Dumb A$$'. It would go something like this:

Ty: 'Cat Daddy! Did you hear that Eddie Murphy got caught in an alley with a transvestite hooker?' Cat Daddy: 'He's a dumb a$$!' or Ty: Cat Daddy! Did you hear that Kobe Bryant got caught kickin' it with a hotel worker?' Cat Daddy: 'He's a dumb a$$!' See? It's pretty simple really. So check me after the jump for a fresh peep at all the 1Q09 winners...

#10 - DMX

All y'all know my boy 'X' has been wildin' out for a few now. Suffice it to say that all his legal troubles finally landed his rusty butt in AZ's Tent City Jail for a much needed timeout. But does homey *finally* settle down, play nice and just do his bid? Hell naw! That fool is still clownin'. He got smacked down gettin' all Etta James-like with the guards claimin' he'd kick they a$$es before finding out that the guards actually *run* the prison and can do things like put your dumb a$$ in solitary and feed you bread and water for a few.

#9 - RNC Chairman Michal Steele

Wow - how pathetic is it that the Republican Party, after realizing how out of touch it is with the national complexion of the nation, reaches out to find a southsider to head the Republican National Committee? Apparently not as pathetic as it is to know that kind of ruckus is afoot and still accept the position. So now for the last few weeks we've had to suffer through those whack sound bites from cousin talkin' 'bout, 'there ain't nothing wrong with the Republican message', blah, blah, blah. Now in the midst of the Republican boycott of the economic stimulus package, Mike Steal ignorantly proclaimed that, 'You and I know that in the history of mankind and womankind, government -- federal, state or local -- has never created one job.' Hmmm...homey must not have ever visited - there appear to be at least a couple jobs on that site. And if I'm not mistaken, he was a lieutenant governor of Maryland which I'm pretty sure is a government job. That ignorant comment more than qualifies homey as a Dumb A$$.

#8 - A-Rod

You gotta love how every ball player who gets asked, prior to getting caught, whether they've ever used 'performance enhancing drugs' always pops off a sincere 'No, never' while tryin' to pull off that indignant look that says, 'wow - I can't believe you even asked a player of my caliber that question - you must be a dumb a$$'. Then after gettin' cold caught, they talk some mess about, 'being young and stupid' and 'feeling the need to do something to keep up with the competition', but they never once mention what they really are - Dumb A$$es. At least you looked fly on TV with that sweater and the slicked down hair, homey. I'm sure all the ladies are still swoonin'.

#7 - Nadya Suleman

(6 kidz + 8 kidz) - (1 husband) - (1 steady income) + (0 common sense) = A Dumb A$$. Okay, I'll give her a little extra credit for tryin' to shake down media outlets to get some endz together but come on now! Well at least the Pro-Life crew has a poster child for life. I'm waiting to hear how they plan to donate some ducats to the cause...

#6 - Congressional Republicans

Three Republican votes for the economic stimulus package? That's childish. But that's okay. What goes around, comes around and we'll see what's playin better in Peoria come 2010. Y'all are some triflin' Neros fiddlin' around while the country burns. Here's a little something to ponder while y'all jack up those nervous high fives in the Capitol hallways the next few weeks - y'all Dumb A$$es.

#5 - Republican Senator John McCain

Concerned Hater #1. I can't believe that Smooth held a party in your honor the night before his inauguration. Citizen McCain - you're one ungrateful, played out, bitter, angry Dumb A$$ who will hopefully be fully retired from the game come 2010 (unless Axelrod's boyz retire you late one night on your way home before then...)

#4 - Republican Senator Judd Greggs

Let me get this straight. Either Smooth Barack's team comes to you or you go to them about becoming the next Commerce Secretary. Doesn't really matter. Now before all the news starts about you getting the nod and whether your home state governor is going to replace you with another Republican, bladda, bladda, bladda, wouldn't you at least kinda know you really didn't want the job in the first place? Why front and let this thing play out just to jump out at the last minute and claim it was because your Republican sensibilities were shocked at the economic stimulus plan steamrolling it's way through congress? Those are moves only a Dumb A$$ would display. Good luck shapin' economic policies from the cheap seats in the Senate.

#3 - Barack Obama

Y'all know it pains me to include Smooth Barack in this quarter's quota but I got to keep it real. First kudo's for getting the stimulus plan through and I appreciate the bipartisan attempt this time through but we see now that the Republican crew was clearly only out for the treats you laid out and had always planned on trickin' you into thinking that they would be even a tiny bit reasonable. If ol Ty learns later that you saw this comin and did it anyway, I'll retract the award but as it looks now, they played you for polical points. It's all good though - don't get mad, get even. Roll with it and let their chickens come home to roost in '10.

#2 - Rihanna

See #1

#1 - Chris Brown

What were you thinkin? Now I've heard all kinds of jibber-jabber surroundin' this literal ruckus. Ol girl was flirtin' with Timbaland, ol girl played the jealousy card, tried to jump bad and got beat down for her efforts. Dude, there's no excuse for beatin' a woman down like that except maybe self-defense. If she really has it comin' cause she's been beatin' on you, get one of your girls to drop her a$$ - cuz in all cases if it's you landin' the body blows, you're in jail postin' bail, Dumb A$$. Now if the rumors are true that she hacked your text messages got made when she saw some she didn't appreciate and tossed the keys of your rented Lamborghini out the window, well okay - I can maybe see a little pepper spray, but no fisticuffs, baby. That's just uncalled for.

Lifetime Achievement Dumb A$$ Award - Sarah Palin
Honorable Mention - The Economy



Friday, February 06, 2009

Etta to Beyonce: I'm Etta James, Bi#ch!

Wassup, Y'all!

I was all set to post on my recent jailhouse interview with OJ when I caught a snippet of a radio show talkin' 'bout Etta James. My first thought was, 'Dang! Ol girl died a little more than a month after my girl Eartha Kitt passed'. But oh no, y'all - ol Etta still hasn't gotten to that great gettin' up morning yet. Nope - ol girl was just caught rockin' some raucous disses on Beyonce *and* my boy Smooth Barack. It's audio only but you can clearly hear her dissin' on Smooth's ears and plainly statin' that she'd 'whip Beyonce's' a$$ if they ever square off in a dark alley. Wow. Let me also state it plainly for, y'all just in case your mama never taught you right - 1) a lot of shortys tend not to age gracefully and 2) hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Let's proceed to a tactical breakdown of the actual factuals...

Okay, Point #1: "Shortys tend not to age gracefully". Yeah, I said it. Many of them don't. Particularly those who's livelihoods depend to a large part on their looks (actresses, entertainers, shake dancers, y'all know who). Case in point: Ol girl Faye Dunaway had this to say when told that her classic character Bonnie Parker would be played by young shorty Hilary Duff in the remake of the classic movie 'Bonnie & Clyde', 'Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?' Daaaang, Faye! Okay, Hil-Duff's no Cate Blanchett but that's some hater induced uncalledforness. What she's really saying is, 'Dang, I'm an old actress now and can only get roles playin' these young girls' grandmothers. I used to be hot like that'. Not surprisingly, Hil-Duff did the catty shorty thing and replied in kind sayin', 'I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know, uh, I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too'. As my girl NS Shorty would say, 'Oooooo, ouch'.

Now let's be honest, though. Homeboys suffer from this type of hateration too. You know we all have young buck high school or college age family members flexin regularly and notin' publicly how you've 'lost a step' or 'never had a step in the first place'. Yes, y'all it can be tough to admit that you've been bumped from the squad of warriors headed out on the hunt to the 'council of elders' plannin' village strategy. But I digress....

Point #2: "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned". A few cases? Monica Lewinsky, Heather Mills, Juanita Jordan, Lorena Bobbitt. Guess we can sure add Etta James' a$$ to that list. You listen to ol girl riffin' at her performance and you can read between every line. It goes a little somethin' like this, 'That bastard Smooth Barack! That ninja has the audacity to dance his first dance as President to *MY* song and not invite my black a$$ to sing it? We'll that mickey fickey can straight kiss my black a$$. And that Beyonce! Who the hell does she think she is? Who said she was God's gift and talented enough to sing *MY* song to the President? The crackheads in Harlem? That little hefer's $hit stinks just like mine...and her weave don't even look real! There. I said it! I don't even care that she played me in that tired little movie 'Cadillac Records'. Who saw that movie anyway? Beyonce, Jay-Z and two other people? Please. I'm Etta James, bitch! Y'all better recognize!' Or something to that effect.

Here's my advice to all y'all - Faye, Etta (extra advice - stop drinkin' alcohol before, during and after your shows...and take your pills like the doctor asked), mama - let it go. Y'all had your day! Do your part to keep America beautiful by gracefully movin' y'all old a$$es aside and makin' room for all the hot, young, sexys comin' up.

Okay - time for ol Ty to go before he gets hit with a brick.



Wednesday, February 04, 2009

(Tax) Dodgin' Daschle out as Smooth Says 'My Bad'

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm in the car yesterday morning, runnin' my girl to the airport and the topic of tax dodgin' Tom Daschle came up and how Smooth Barack should play it. We both agreed that in the wake of his Treasury Secretary pick, Tim 'You have to pay taxes?' Geithner and before we even knew about 'Chief Performance Officer' nominee Nancy Killefer's 'personal tax issues' that the whole deal appeared unseemly and that Tax Dodgin' Tom needed to go. I'm glad he dropped off his papers and hit the road, but ol Ty's a little surprised that the vaunted Smooth Barack vetting machine has developed a serious hitch in its giddy-up. (Commerce Secretary nominee) Bill Richardson, Geithner, Daschle and Killefer - three tax related issues and one possible pay-to-play scheme (a scheme that's surprisingly not in Illinois this time...). It seems to ol Ty that, given past history, that the tax question would be one of the first questions asked, right after the 'have you even been involved in a pay-to-play scheme' question. That's Vetting 101, y'all. Of course you could ask the questions and not get truthful answers but folks have to know that in *this* day and time - it's all gonna come out eventually....

So Smooth hits the news cycle wipin' some early egg off his face and coppin' to a 'my bad' plea. I can appreciate the apology but with the dire importance of getting a good stimulus package passed hangin' in the balance, I have to admit that I have my fingers crossed that all the personnel glitches are now ironed out. Especially since Smooth has put a lot of stock in the brainpower he has assembled to put needed focus on that and other pressing issues. Seems to me brainpower like should be able to figure out how to go to and type in some numbers. It's interesting how folks with money can find more ways not to pay Gangster Sam. Well it's lookin' like our boy Sam's got his people out on the blocks takin' names and crashin' careers. Guess I need to go dust off my W-2 too...



Monday, February 02, 2009

Folks Still Pilin' on The First Lady

Wassup, Y'all!

Dang! Has any other First Lady caught the same flack so early? First there was the fallout from her Inaugural gown (which is triflin since she'd have gotten slammed if she wore a $1 million dollar Vera Wang or a $500 joint from White House | Black Market - everybody's got somethin' to say). Black Artist Association co-founder Amnau Eele was quick to pop off on 'Chelle for not wearin' a gown designed by a southside designer (and caught the same heinous blowback treatment that was formerly reserved for hatin' Tavis Smiley) and now, the third spoke of the Axis of Evil (which includes Ward Connerly and 'Uncle' Clarence Thomas), Fox News Political Analyst, Juan Williams, recently popped off on 'Chelle on The O'Reilly Factor talkin' 'bout, 'Chelle's got "this Stokely Carmichael-in-a-designer-dress thing going". First, ol girl's not really into designer dresses. Second it sounds to me like Won-Will needs to have this 'Drop Squad' thing going...

For my northside homeys who may not be familiar with Brother Stokely (or Kwame Ture as he was known to his familiars), Brother Stokely was an honorary Prime Minister of The Black Panther Party and a mover and shaker in the Black Nationalist and Pan-Africanist movements. In other words, Stokely was what used to be known as a 'black militant' which is the same brush some folks were tryin' to paint 'Chelle with durin' the heat of the campaign. Remember that whack a$$ New Yorker Magazine cover? Well, that's the 'characture' image they were going for with 'Chelle - terrorist fist jab and all. Apparently, it's an image that, despite being patently false, is one that Won-Will has no issues with perpetuatin'. Somehow, ol boy's got it in his twisted mind that 'Chelle is going to be a detriment rather than an asset to Smooth Barack which just seems to be 'sad little man' talk to me. 

Here's my advice to Won-Will and it comes from my boy Chamillionaire and it goes, 'Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, keep runnin' homey, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, they on the trail'. That would be the Drop Squad Won-Will cuz your a$$ is in desperate need of some deprogrammin'.  So, if any of you see Won-Will wanderin' around the Fox News Studios, drop a dime or get a tweet off to the the Drop Squad Twitter feed. Dude, ease up off 'Chelle and let her rise or fall on her own merits - she's been First Lady for what - two weeks? And most importantly, Won-Will - ease up off that Fox News crack pipe and get yourself into a 12-step program, homey. Hopefully we see you on the other side sometime soon, but until then...'come back, brother'. Ward 'Big Con' Connerly and Uncle Clarence are havin' enough fun without your silly butt.