Tyrone Malone - The Urban Eye

Ty: The Hiatus Continues...

2010-03-17T21:41:00.005-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Like Moses wandering with his people in the desert for some tall years, Ol Ty is wandering too, y'all. It's been way too long since I've dropped a post and I'm desperately in search of my muse because it's not like I don't want to, but I've got so many things going at the moment that it's left little time for this guilty pleasure.So for now I plan to keep up the Tweetin' thing so I don't completely lose touch and hopefully soon, I'll find my way back home. I'm missin' the basement waaaaay to much...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The Tiger Saga Part 1: Tiger, The Male Ho

2010-01-01T18:30:00.000-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!
Outside of a boatload of Ty Sweet Tweets, ol Ty has kept his expansive thoughts on Tiger Woods to himself. After some rumination and cogitation in the wake of Tiger's slowly unfolding train wreck, I'm thinkin' it's high time I weigh with my thoughts. But since y'all know me, there's no way I can break it all down into a single post that my short attention span readers can effectively soak up so I'm hookin' you up with a hard hittin' three part expose that focuses on Tiger, his wife and his ~~ho's~~ mistresses. So let's get started with the man himself - Tigro, the golfing gigolo...

First, a little perspective. Tiger didn't conspire to kill anybody (that would be former NFL player Rae Carruth). Tiger didn't drink and drive and kill somebody (that would be NFL player Donte Stallworth among *many* others). Tiger didn't beat any women (that would be NBA player Jason Kidd among *many* others). Tiger didn't throw anyone through a plate glass window while hanging out at a bar (that would be former NBA player and current Tiger homeboy Charles Barkley). Tiger didn't get caught with 388 POUNDS of marijuana within a span of five weeks (that would be former NFL player Nate Newton).

What Tigro did do is have consensual sex with A LOT of ~~fine~~ ~~skanky~~ ~~suspect~~ women (tho allegedly FAR fewer than the 20,000 that Wilt, the Stilt bedded) and A LOT of that ruckus occurred *after* he was married. So, realistically here's the list of folk who really need to be mad at Tiger: (1) Mrs. Tiger, (2) Tiger's in-laws, (3) Tiger's mama, (4) Tiger's endorsement partners. That's about it, y'all. If you didn't see your name on the list, you probably have some business of your own you need to be more concerned about but let's dig into this a bit more anyway, shall we?

Now accurate details on this jibber-jabber have been hard to come by. Depending on your newz source, Tiger is still kickin' it with the first chick the rumors broke about, got busted in his mug so bad by his wife that he needed to fly to Arizona to get emergency plastic surgery, developed his ho'ish ways by emulating his boyz Charles Barkley and Michel Jordan (or his late Pops), cost the shareholders of his endorsement partners $12 billion and counting (now that *is* a lot of paper burned by lettin' Jimmy do the thinkin'...), yada, yada, yada.

Next I'm expecting newz to drop that Tiger was somehow involved in this Christmas day Al-Qaeda plot (tho a case can be made that Tiger also got burned by droppin' his draws...). Anyway, y'all, the fact remains that no (legal) crime was committed but now Tiger may soon be on the business end of the sayin', 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. My homeys can attest to this. There's a reason why the female is always the more dangerous of any species. Ol Ty contends they are also more competitive and manipulative as well (I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin' y'all - check me by observing female club behavior) which is why this cocktail of womanizing and deceit brewed by Tigro eventually went nuclear all up in his mug.

So I'm not up in hurr tryin' to apologize for the brother. No, no, no. Things are well beyond that point, and if Mrs. Tiger was in the Malone family I might be hirin' some former Navy Seals to see if Tiger really is hidin' out on his yacht. But in the midst of all the *real* newz poppin' - it seems like folks should take a chill pill on this ruckus. It'll settle out, Tiger's wallet will be significantly lighter, his sex addiction rehab teachings will kick in and he'll arrive back on the course in time to save the PGA Tour which is seriously whistling past the graveyard when they state that 'things will be fine' with Tiger off the Tour for an indefinite period of time.

Here's my 2010 prediction - Tiger's going to stay away long enough for the Tour to beg him to come back *and* as this sad chapter fades into the mists of history, Tiger will be grindin' his axe on all the players and sponsors who were quick to jump ship. It may not be right, but when you're that big a talent that's normally the way it goes.

Next up, 'The Tiger Saga Part 2: Mrs. Tiger, The Felonious Assaulter

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty Does 'This Is It'

2009-11-21T07:37:00.000-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

After checkin' out the Michael Jackson documentary, 'This Is It' a few weeks ago with Northside Shorty, I commented on the ride home that I really needed to drop a post on that joint. I initially fell through expecting to see some slapped together, recanned clips put together by the Jackson family to pull down one last payday. Instead what I saw still has a brother ravin' about this movie two weeks later.

Like Michael said in London during the announcement of his fifty show tour that it would be the 'curtain call' to his career, this film - due to his tragically early demise - fills that role all too aptly and, like most curtain calls at the end of a great concert, you really didn't want this movie to end...

First off - Ol Ty bestows 3.5 (out of 4) Spinners on this flick. Any movie that leaves me wantin' more has to get at least 3, y'all. I always reserve that last 0.5 for what I consider a 'perfect' movie - which this isn't, but it's seriously entertaining. I'm a sucker for behind the scenes movies - ol Ty likes to see how things are created before they hit the bright lights and all the behind the scenes footage in this joint hinted that had the concert series come off, it would have been the concert to end all concerts. The dancin' was tight, the concepts hyper imaginative and, despite all rumors, Michael seemed to really be at the top of his game...at fifty! Ol boy still had the dance moves, there was *no* deterioration of his voice - his live singin' sounded just like the album tracks - and the sets were on point.

But the most fascinatin' thing about the movie was the undeniable fact that Michael really was a musical genius. Hold up, now. Ol Ty doesn't throw that title around lightly - check it out for youselves. MJ may have been soft spoken and painfully polite but when it came to his music he never half-stepped. He knew all his music down to the last beat and he would be quick to call out any musician who didn't get it right. One part that had ol Ty laughin' was when he called out the musical director for rushin' a piece on his keyboard and he told homey he needed to slow it down cuz the music needed some time to 'simmer'. He was similarly scrupulous about the choreography and it became clear that his perfection was not to satisfy himself, but to satisfy his fans who knew his music and choreography as well as he did.

On the drive home, ol Ty was reminded of another flick he checked out - Amadeus - about Mozart, another musical prodigy (didn't think ol Ty was that deep did, y'all?). At the beginning of that movie, Mozart's rival - Antonio Salieri - was lamenting the death of Mozart, an admittedly strange thing for a rival to do. Through flashbacks we see how initially, Salieri was all jealous of Mozart and minimized his musical abilities. Eventually, fate pulled these two together as Mozart was dying and tryin' to complete one last symphony for the King. It was Salieri's plan to steal it and palm it off as his own, but as the two worked together Salieri saw how effortlessly Mozart could weave the various musical pieces together - horns, percussion, strings - just by thinking about them and by the end of the night Salieri found himself in awe of Mozart's true genius and embarrassed at his juvenile behavior toward him.

It's the same deal with Michel, y'all. Yeah - he had Bubbles, the cosmetic surgeries, slept in a hyperbaric chamber, bought the Elephant Man remains, wore outrageous outfits, married Lisa Marie, lived at Neverland, preferred the company of children, named two of his children Prince Michael, blah, blah, blah. But in the end, in ol Ty's opinion, he finally gets the true recognition he deserves as a musical genius in his own right. It was no accident that he became the most famous Jackson. It's no accident that his catalogue of music - 98% self written - has no peer. It's no accident that his appeal remains global and knows no cultural boundary.

So if you haven't seen Michael's final curtain call, see that joint in all it's glory on the big screen, with the big sound. Even more so if you've been a MJ hater - a modern day Antonio Salieri. Your ephiphany is just a movie ticket away. It's true you never get a second chance to make a first impression, but it's also true that last impressions linger always. This is a really good last impression, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Limbaugh Caves - Booted out of NFL Team Bid

2009-10-14T23:43:00.003-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

As if ol Ty didn't see this comin'. Oh so satisfyin' news anyway but one way or another there was no way any group with Flush Rimjob as a partner was going to land an NFL franchise. An Idaho Klan compound maybe, but never an NFL franchise - not as pious as the NFL commissioner wants to make the league. If knucklehead players have to toe the line, it's nice to see that potential knucklehead owners don't even make it to the line.

So score a big one for Karma since I'm sure Flush was pretty much jonesin' to get his mitts on ~~more oxycotin~~ a franchise and smoke his big a$$ stogies in the owner's suite and expound on how all the suckers who buy his snake oil every day have allowed him to pony up the dough for such a thing. But sometimes, money doesn't talk and the persona that you've built up by consistently denigrating minorities comes back to haunt you. What goes around, comes around. You gotta love that.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Colbert's 'Blackwashing' - Satire 101

2009-09-25T09:23:00.003-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

See? This is what I'm talkin' 'bout. You don't have to be disagreeable to highlight a disagreeable point. Steven Colbert's take on the conservative right's complainin' about being called racist when they're only tryin' to 'make a point' is priceless and a textbook example of perfect satire.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Belleville School Bus vs. Cracker Barrel

2009-09-17T19:08:00.002-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Had to post on this recent cornucopia of beatdowns as both incidents have folk hot under the collar about racism, hate crimes and apparent double standards. I have to say that ol Ty is more than dismayed over the rising angry tenor of the national conversation, particularly from my high strung Republican homeys, and I think it's time for folk to go back to that age old chestnut - 'THINK before you speak'.

In the Malone household Papa Malone had his own chestnut called, 'Sit down and shut up' but since we're all New Age now and folk feel entitled to run around with their mouths half cocked we've now moved into a period I like to call 'The National Hysteria Age'. Now about these beatings...

As much as I hate to utter the name, Flush Rimjob (aka Rush Limbaugh) has made a lot of hay recently with the Belleville High School Bus beating which featured a young northside homey getting thugged up by several southside homeys. In this unfortunate vignette we have Captain Don Sax of the Belleville Police Department shootin' off at the lip claiming that,"In my estimation, it's racially motivated,". Here I would normally give Cap'n Don the benefit of the doubt as I'm sure he's witness plenty of racially motivated ruckus in country Belleville, but other observers contend that the issue was more basic.

Basic like the perceived right to a school bus seat and the right to force someone to sit somewhere else. Y'all may have seen this early on in 'Forest Gump' where once Forest boarded the school bus, no one wanted him sitting next to them except for Jenny. Had Forest pressed the issue and sat next to Jim Bob say, he likely would have feasted on a knuckle sandwich or two before the bus driver could get back there to break it up. Still, this type of dust up - which ol Ty contends happens every day - encouraged Flush to proudly crow that this is nothing more than the manifestation of 'Obama's America - White Kids Get Beat up With The Black Kids Cheering'. Of course that asinine assertion is nothing more than a classless radio huckster ginnin' up his radical right fringe base to keep sowin' seeds of national division vs. national unity. That jibber-jabber notwithstanding, here's ol Ty's question: 'Would this have even been news had the participants been either all northsiders or all southsiders?' Y'all know the answer - hell to tha nizzo - particularly if it happened on an all southside bus. I'm sure the prevailing sentiment among Flush's radio listeners in *that* case would have been, 'Dang! Why'd they break it up? They should have let those darkies kill each other that way they'd need less of my tax money for their welfare habit'. Sad but true y'all. Doubt me not.

Now let's fast forward to Tuesday, when a nice trip to Cracker Barrel turned heinous for a southside mother (a military vet) and her 7-year old daughter. In this equally unfortunate vignette, moms and daughter are entering as Troy Dale West and wifey are exiting. Apparently Troy Dale whipped the door open pretty quickly and nearly tagged the 7 year-old in the mug. As most mothers would do, she asked Troy Dale to be more careful as he almost hit her daughter and Troy Dale went the *$#% off. According to a CB employee, the ruckus unfolded thusly:

One Cracker Barrel employee, who asked not to be identified said when Hill politely told West to be careful, he went on a racial tirade.

The employee said Hill told West, “Please don’t do this, I’m in the military,” to which West responded “I don’t give a f***you black n***** b****and then started punching her." The employee said "I saw the foot motion of him kicking her. As he was punching her, he called her a black n***** b**** twice."

Pretty vile stuff and a nice way to reward a military vet for her service to the country. First, a homey never has cause to raise a hand to a shorty unless she's comin' at him with a pot of hot grits. Second...hmmm - doesn't seem to be a second in this case, because 'First' is about as basic as it gets. So because racial words were used in the beatdown, this incident got tagged as a possible 'hate crime' and some folk are up in arms that the Belleville incident didn't and want to smell a double standard.

To ol Ty - it really doesn't matter! What should matter is that the beaters - in both cases - get their legal just desserts as it appears they were all in the very wrong (tho ol Ty further contends that any fool who beats a woman - particularly in front of her child - needs an extra special judicial a$$ whoopin'). That's about as simple as it should be because again, if neither vignette involved mixed races we wouldn't even be talking about it. Wrong is wrong and, for those who want to continue to beat the racial flames in either incident, I refer you back to Papa Malone's wise words - 'Sit down and shut up'.

Peace@Least,
Tyrone

Whitney Houston: Don't Call It A Comeback

2009-08-19T07:30:00.003-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Okay, I'll admit when I heard the promo for Whitney Houston's upcoming September appearance on the GMA Summer Concert series, I had to stop and peep it.

They threw out all the accolades y'all - Global Superstar, the only artist to have seven consecutive multi-platinum albums, music's most awarded female artist of all time and that the countdown is on to the most anticipated morning television concert event of the year ~~since Michael Jackson died~~...maybe ANY year! It was all workin' for me y'all - the clips showcasing her incomparable voice ~~back in the day~~ and that '91 Superbowl National Anthem rendition that still gives a brother chills (not to be confused with the Marvin Gaye Gold Standard tho). Then old girl opened her mouth at the end of the promo and the illusion died harder than Hans Gruber at the Nakatomi Plaza...

Despite the make-up, ol girl looks like she's lived the hard life these last few years, which we all know she has. But if I'm willin' to be on the bandwagon for the Mike Vick 2nd Chance Tour then I certainly need to give equal time to sister Whitney, but I'll be on pins and needles when ol girl steps to the mic live for this concert. I'm not sure she still has those magical pipes. No, not the crack pipes, y'all. I'm talkin' 'bout her vocal pipes. If you listen to the clips ABC pulled together for her promo, I'd put that pre-2K voice up against ANYBODY. Ol girl could sang! Now? Ol Ty's a little fretful.

And how many times has ol girl tried to comeback? Certainly less than Brett Favre but still more than enough for a brother to say, 'Look - either comeback or go away but don't keep a brother hanging!' Still I give her credit for avoiding that music career black hole that has swallowed many a promising career. Where's Nelly been? Chingy? Is that brother still 'one call away'? Still at the Holiday Innnnn? Jaheim? Heavy-D? Anyone seen 'the overweight lover'? Shaggy? Shabba Ranks? Shabba! Either one of the 'other two' Destiny's Child shortys? Man - I don't even remember their names ~~Kelly & Michelle~~! Ja Rule?

Y'all feel me. Music is a tough business. It's always what have you done for me lately? How many records can you sell this go 'round? Less than before? Sorry - we're gonna have to drop your non-producin' a$$ from the label. So in that light, Whitney's already ahead of the game. She's built a big enough legacy that folk are still willin' to bankroll a comeback tour.

Ol Ty will be watchin' in September to either see the phoenix rise from the ashes or the final fall to earth. Either way it should be entertaining. Break a leg, Whitney.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Mike Vick, Donte Stallworth and Tiger

2009-08-17T07:30:00.011-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I know, I know. First, where the heck you been, Ty?? Second, how'd Tiger get on that list? As for where've I been, I've been out, y'all. I haven't been feelin' it lately and I'm still tryin' to get my feet under me up in NC. It's comin' together slowly but I've had more distractions goin' on than a blind man with a lit candle in a firecracker factory. Suffice to say that they've all been good distractions but ol Ty needs to get his focus back.

As for Tiger being listed in the company of Mike Vick and Donte? We'll just count him as another homey who straight shocked the hell out of ol Ty. Two BIG snaps up to east side home Y.E. Yang for becomin' a smiling, shot-makin' piece of Kryptonite to the golfing world's Superman. Daaaaaaaamn, Tiger - that's GOTTA hurt! Now about Mike and Donte...

I caught the transcript of Mike Vick's 60 Minutes interview that followed Tiger's improbable implosion and, of course, it sounds like Mike Vick is sayin' all the right things. I'm on the bandwagon of lettin' homeys who have paid their judicial system determined debt to society have a second chance. I have to admit though that Mike Vick's confessions of guilt and disgust at his actions seem to ring a bit hollow. After all, this is the same homey who, in the midst of the swirling allegations, stood up and lied about his innocence and professed his intent to 'clear his good name'.

Well we know the end of that story so ol Ty can only hope that Mike Vick is sincere this go 'round because there's no coming back for Chance #3. Seems to me that there's a pretty big contingent of folk who don't even want to see him get Chance #2 and that ol Ty begs the question - 'What's the purpose of prison?' Or the multi-million dollar fines and restitution? I know the crime was heinous but there are actually people who killed other PEOPLE walkin' the streets getting less grief than this brother. My take - sit back and watch. If he walks the straight and narrow - get up off all that woofin' and let the brother become a productive member of society again. If not, I'll be right there with y'all to throw the first brick.

As for Donte Stallworth, wow. I'm conflicted on this brother too, y'all. Based on the light sentence he received for DUI manslaugher from a court of law (30 days, 24 days served), you have to believe that the accident was unavoidable and that he had the ultimate bad luck of it occurring after he had a couple drinks. But homey's behavior immediately after the tragedy and since then has, in my opinion, been exemplary and quite the opposite of the deceptive road that Mike Vick traveled in his desperate attempts to save his career and endorsements.

Donte, made the 911 call from the accident scene - no hit and run - despite the fact he knew he'd been drinking. He paid restitution to the man's family and he manned up to the charges and the repercussions. To hear him speak on the accident, ol Ty believes that it changed him FOREVER.

If you drive long enough you eventually will hit somethin' live - a squirrel, a bird, a raccoon, a skunk, a cat, a dog, a deer - somethin'. And we all know that sickening, squeamish feelin' we've had afterward, mostly stemming from the thought of the animal getting crushed as well as the sound and bump of the car while the car is rollin' over the remains. Donte experienced all that with a PERSON rollin' under his car. There's no rewindin' that experience out of your brain. That's somethin' the brother will have to live with the rest of his life.

When the NFL Commissioner handed down his sentence of 1 year suspension without pay, you didn't hear a bit of cryin' from Donte. No threat to get the Players Union involved to reduce the sentence and 'allow a man his livelihood'. A lot of fools in the NFL involved in similar circumstance would have tried to pull that bull$hit so I'm givin' props to Donte for really being a man during this whole ordeal. Hopefully, his peers in the NFL will take note.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty's Top 10 Web Videos

2009-07-27T07:30:00.012-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

It's Monday and those of you not livin' in your mama's basement and doin' the 9-5 thing probably need a bit of laughter to get your day going straight so I thought I'd throw together a quick Top 10 list for y'all featuring some recent (and some not so recent) web videos that *always* crack me up so. I know that there's a ton of good stuff out there on the web, but these are the joints that speak to ol Ty at the moment. Hit me off after the jump and get ready to get your laugh on (note: NSFW = Not Safe For Work!)...

Star Trek Cribs - The Director's Cut - a classic featurin' my main man Charlie Murphy as the voice of Spock, who's showin' off his crib to the cameras. Bring the power, Scottie!
I'm On a Boat - viral a billion times over on Youtube but this nautical themed, SNL joint is always funny, 'specially since I'm known to sit out in mama's garden from time to time in my flippy-floppies. NSFW - lyrics like an old Richard Pryor joint!
Dick in A Box - the SNL bookend to I'm on A Boat - featuring Justin Timberlake and SNL homey Andy Samberg offerin' their shortys a 'personal' gift. NSFW
Auto-tune The News #2 - a clever use of the auto-tuning effect (T-Pain) to make the news even more viewable than Jon Stewart's Daily Show.
Blame It - Youtube's Obama impersonator-in-chief AlphaCat breaks down exactly why you're feelin' the economic blues.
Tea Partay - straight outta Cape Cod, the Prepstas are keepin' it real! One of many 'nerdsta' video raps that show just how pervasive the rap culture is in advertising and in the northside world. Smirnoff knew the deal and dropped this one to great effect.
All About the Roosevelts - Taco Bell took a page right out of Smirnoff's book and dropped this one for the cheap a$$, late night snack crowd who could only manage to scrap together some nickels and dimes at 2am but still wanted to get their grub on.
Whatever I Like - Alphacat's Obama is back breakin' down just what he can do now that he's President.
Jizz in My Pants - the SNL crew is back, this time with a couple homeys on a hair trigger. Man, just like back in grade school...for some of y'all.
Puke in My Mouth - no list would be complete without the female comeback video. In this case, the shortys came back hard on the Jizz in My Pants concept with their thoughts on how hard it is to keep you lunch down in the presence of some wannabe romeo homeys.

Now if *none* of those videos made you laugh you really need to think about another line of work or head to Cali to catch that medical mary jane wave so you can loosen that tight a$$ up. Stay strong out there, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Skip Gates Is A Friend of Mine

2009-07-23T07:30:00.002-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, you know this is a big story when it comes up as a question during a Presidential news conference.

If I was the officer who ultimately arrested Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates in his own home after producing adequate ID proving it was actually his own home and then I had to hear it discussed by the President of the United States, I'd have to be callin' in today with a bad case of the 'Blue Flu'...

I have this to say about that, y'all - Amadou Diallo and Sean Bell. I'm sure everyone will make a little hay with Smooth Barack's comment about had he been caught tryin' to break into the White House that he'd have been shot. Now that statement can be taken a couple of ways but the one I think Smooth was tryin' to eloquate was that the Secret Service don't play when it comes to White House security. Unfortunately, Amadou, a 23 year old Guinean immigrant in NYC and Sean Bell, a 23 year old southsider from NYC both were shot (and killed). 41 and 50 times respectively. Both by officers who were eventually aquitted of the crime despite both being unarmed at the time of their Sonny Corleone style demises.

Skip Gates is lucky that all that woofin' just got him a dropped disorderly conduct charge and a $40 bail postin'. He could still be wedged up in his doorway leakin' from 40+ gunshot wounds after gettin' laid the f*** out. Harvard Professor or no Harvard Professor. Black may not crack but it punctures pretty easily from hot lead. Instead of Smooth Barack saying that 'Skip Gates is a friend of mine' he could have been up there sayin', 'Skip Gates was a good friend of mine'.

We've come a long way, y'all but we have by no means arrived. If ol Ty gets pulled over down here in NC, you can best believe my hands won't leave the steering wheel until requested to do so. No premature wallet reach for ol Ty, y'all. I've seen this play before. So Skip - I'm glad it all worked out for you, homey. Truly I am. But if even Smooth can admit he might get dropped tryin' to get into the White House on a dark night, what makes you think a Harvard professorship will keep you safe from a similar situation?

Nuff said on that.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

North Carolina, Go on Raise Up

2009-07-21T21:06:00.003-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

If you can't tell by now, ol Ty has been going through A LOT of changes over the past few months. Changes that have seen the passing of Cool Papa Malone, a move by Mama and me to North Carolina (no more Windy, y'all!) and finally the burial of Cool Papa a little less than a week ago at Arlington National Cemetery. That's right, y'all - Malone's have been faithfully serving the nation for three generations now.

The Arlington thing was pretty overwhelming but a well deserved ceremony of naval pomp and circumstance that I know Pop was lovin' from his plush skybox seat.

The North Carolina thing has been workin' for a brother, y'all though I'm missin' my homeys from Winky's Corner Store (DLT! I got you homes - sorry I missed the call. I'll get at you tomorrow!).

I'm likin' the feel and the fact that most of my NC homeys seem to be transplants from other spots just like Mama and me. I've got my new basement pad pretty much fleshed out - Wi-Fi's hooked, flat screen and Slingboxes connected and the PS3 locked and loaded so now it's time to get back down to business.

The Urban Eye's back open starting Thursday, y'all so be sure to check back!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Curtain Finally Closes on Jena 6

2009-06-27T14:40:00.006-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

According to USA Today, the Jena 6 case - a northside/southside dustup gone bad first reported here almost two years ago - has finally come to a legal conclusion.

It seems a little unsatisfying given the previously reported details of the case since five of the six had to plead 'no contest' to misdemeanor simple battery charges, but ol Ty has to admit that's a far cry from the attempted murder charges first filed against the six.

Seems they could have just come to this conclusion from jump street and saved folks a lot of grief and aggravation but - as with most things now - it is what it is. For the first Jena Sixer tried - Mychal Bell - his earlier conviction on second degree battery charges remains in effect as does is 18 month bid.

Given how heinous this all could have turned out for 'The Six' these boyz have to consider themselves extremely fortunate for 1) the power of public scrutiny and 2) the power of money to hire good attorneys. Similar cases back in the day would have surely netted this crew 20-to-life or worse...much worse. I guess in a twisted kind of way we can call this 'progress'.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Basement Lights Dim for Michael Jackson

2009-06-25T22:13:00.003-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

You know something serious has happened for Ol Ty to interrupt his moving prep posting hiatus to drop a timely post. More on the move at a future date, y'all but right now, I'm a brother in serious mourning for The King of Pop.

To tell you how out of the blue this was for me, I'm doing my thing and get a IM from Lady E. who asked, "Have you heard about Jacko?" To which I reply, "No, what's the fool done now?" To which she replies, "He's dead". To which I reply, "Whaaaaat!? Quit playin'"

Three seconds later I'm tuned to CNN and learning that the talent of the century has truly given up the ghost. Wow. It's the curse of the threes, y'all. Ed McMahon, Farrah and now MJ. He was the Mike everyone wanted to be like way before Jordan brought his tongue waggin' to the court.

I prefer to remember Mike from his Off The Wall/Thriller days before he completely morphed from a southsider into a soft spoken alien being, but boy did homey leave behind a body of work that will never be duplicated.

Rest in Peace (finally) brother Mike. And seriously, dude - thanks for the many, many memories.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Think Iran's bad? Let Something Happen to Obama

2009-06-15T07:30:00.002-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

The ruckus in Iran is pretty intense, but I'm glad to see that the Iranians aren't playin' the fool any more and are willing to sacrifice life and limb to fight for what they believe is right.

In this case what's wrong appears to be a minority candidate that got backdoored out of the Presidency by the incumbent who's intent to hang on to power by any means necessary. What's right is those who don't believe in the bogus election returns gettin' all Public Enemy-like to fight the power.

I shot a tweet out yesterday that alluded to me thinkin' this is how we should have reacted when GW stole the 2000 election. I know folks are thinkin', 'Now Ty, you know we're more 'civilized' over here and we resolve our differences through the court system'. True, but what happens when the (Supreme) court system fails you as well? I'm thinkin' in that case the only recourse is to take to the streets Iranian-style...

In the aftermath of the recent right-wing madness that culminated in the assassination of George Tiller by an unhinged 'Pro-Lifer' and the senseless murder of Steven Tyrone Johns, the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum security guard killed by an old school, unrepentent, life long white supremacist type, I'm noticing a palpable uptick of nervousness among my southside peeps related to the health and welfare of Smooth Barack. The cause of this nervousness can't be better expressed than it is here by Frank Rich's Washington Post Op-Ed piece entitled, 'The Obama Haters’ Silent Enablers'. I dare any Smooth Barack supporter to read that joint without having her hair stand on end.

Essentially, it makes the point that if there's some right-wing nutjob willing to take out a George Tiller based on his belief that he was a mass-murderer - a view fueled by right wing commentators - Bill O'Reilly in particular. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize the real danger posed to the first southside President given the insane, irrational and false rhetoric that continues to pour out of the conservative right-wing ranks. Things like Smooth is really a closet Muslim (no that didn't die during the election) or that Smooth is not a natural born citizen (no that didn't die during the election) or that Smooth is no longer a Socialist (which he isn't) but is actually a Fascist or that Smooth is a part of of a 'dangerous global movement' known as the 'Muslim Brotherhood'. Every last one of those assertions is false yet it doesn't stop desperate conservatives from continuing to put it out there and consistently refusing to step up to refute any of it.

So say you're the next James von Brunn or Scott Roeder - an idiot with a gun, some bullets and a death wish - whose head is filled with this non-stop barrage of garbage about the President? What would you do? Exactly. Which brings me to my final point, y'all. Let some madness like that jump off and what will happen here in the street will make this Iran ruckus look like a southside family reunion once all the liquor is gone and folks who haven't contributed to the food start breakin' out their tin foil to take home most of the leftovers.

Y'all remember what happened in the streets when MLK got assassinated, right? Small potatoes, y'all. SMALL potatoes compared to the outcry that will jump off if the same fate befalls Smooth because now, southsiders aren't the only ones with a vested interest in seeing Smooth succeed. It's anybody with more than two brain cells. It's anybody tired of the same old hate-filled, divisive dialog that has been holding back the country's true potential for renewed greatness. It's all those folk who cast a vote for Smooth Barack.

I know what Martin taught - peaceful, non-violence. Yes - that has its place. But if these right-wing knuckleheads keep stirrin' the pot and the worst jumps off?? It's Malcom X all day, y'all. By any means necessary.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty Finally Finishes 'The Wire'

2009-06-04T07:30:00.006-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Ol Ty just finished the watching the final episode of the final season of the acclaimed HBO series 'The Wire' and is missin' that joint already.

I stated shortly after I began my five season, sixty episode, journey that the show had already cemented itself as the best show I'd seen on TV. More than 100 hours later (as I did watch a lot of the episodes in bits and pieces - mostly on my cousin Mike Mike's iTouch) I stand by that. I've seen no episodic series better. The only thing that stands taller is the 'Roots' mini-series...

You want to talk about keepin' it real? Watch this joint, y'all. They didn't take any easy ways out and never went for the unrealistic happy ending in any of the many story threads they expertly wove into a tight, authentic, urban tapestry. You ever wonder why the urban school systems are so jacked up? Watch The Wire and get a clue. You want to know why the urban drug trade is perpetual? Watch The Wire. You want to know just how down and dirty city politics (Marion Berry and Boy King Kwame aside) are or why there always seems to be a sense of futility and inevitability among our southside city folk? Watch The Wire.

Never watered down and always on point. And now, at least for ol Ty, it's over and I'm takin' it real hard, y'all. I looked forward to every episode and I'm not sure I could have even watched that joint conventionally - a week at a time with a long, cold summer in between each fix. The iPod route was definitely the way to go. It got so bad that ol Ty was actually hopin to get caught in line or have a long a$$ wait in the doctor's office or airplane gate so I could just catch an episode undisturbed. That's when you know it's good, y'all. When you're actually fiendin' for the next 'hit' and when the credits roll after you've mainlined it, the first thought in your mind is 'Damn, that was deep' followed by 'Do I have enough time to squeeze in just a little more of the next one?'

I can't believe this joint never ended up the most lauded series on TV. For five seasons it stayed just out of the limelight - appreciated only by those in the know who all uniformly also considered it the best show they'd seen. It's like going to a broadway play and watching certain unknown actors sing, dance and act circles around any Hollywood star you've ever seen and you asking yourself how it's possible that they aren't themselves big stars? Then you consider yourself fortunate for having seen a true, undiscovered gem. That's The Wire, y'all.

Props to Lady E for puttin' ol Ty's feet on the path. I owe you big, homegirl! Hopefully, if this post encourages you to take your own peep at that joint, you'll be feelin' the same way about ol Ty. Then after *you* finish Episode #60 and you're lookin' for a sponsor as you dry out from your addiction, I should be ready for your call.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Why The Sotomayor Pick is Brilliant

2009-05-28T07:38:00.007-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

This is the kind of stuff that happens when you have someone with an IQ higher than a potato sitting in the Oval Office. With his selection of Sonia Sotomayor as his first (and hopefully first of many) Supreme Court picks, Smooth Barack has set in motion a chain of events that will have the Hispanic (westside) population trending Democratic for years to come. How? Follow me into the jump, y'all...

When it comes to Supreme Court nominations, y'all know just how it goes. The opposition party does a lot of hemmin' and hawin' and goes out of its way to find reasons why the pick should not be confirmed. In this case, since the opposition party is the Republican party (soon to be known as the Repulsive Party if they don't quit clownin') *and* since the Republicans have a history of shrill, xenophobic, homophobic and sexist knee jerk commentary (i.e. they really don't think through their arguments too well before shootin' off at the mouth with ridiculous statements) you know they're going to be trashin' poor Sista Sonia in the worst ways. And there's the rub, y'all. Westsiders are SKY HIGH over her well deserved nomination and rightly so. Not only does homegirl have a peerless legal resume, but, as Smooth pointed out in his presentation speech, she has a truly American story of hard work leading to high reward.

So this background will be contrast with the crass Republican smear machine that will literally seek to reduce such a well regarded legal mind to a unqualified, activist judge who was only nominated because she was 1) a westsider and 2) a woman. My westside homeys will get to see just how (dis)honorably Republicans will act during this process and how out of touch their views are with the mainstream. I'll bet a tall dollar that by the end of the confirmation process any westsider who identifies with the Republican party now, will be questioning that choice when the dust settles. And that will be all good for 2012, y'all. All good.

The ridiculous Republican jibber-jabber has already started with the likes of Flush Rimjob and Newt Gingrich claimin' that Sista Sonia is a 'racist' and Mike Huckabee (after figuring out what ol girl first name wasn't 'Maria' - too much West Side Story for homey) claim that her seating would turn the Supreme Court into the 'Extreme Court'. The confirmation hearings are going to be MUST SEE TV, y'all. I'm lookin' forward to those joints like a Chicago Style hotdog in the summer.

Got to give it up to Smooth, y'all. He figured out a way to select a supremely qualified Supreme Court nominee, help westsiders realize that southsiders aren't their enemies, teach the nation how to properly pronounce 'Sotomayor' *and* get the westside voting population to see the Republican Party for what it really represents...homogeneous folks out of touch with the changing make up of the country. Well played, Smooth. Well played.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Memorial Day 2009 - Papa Malone

2009-05-25T07:30:00.000-05:00

"Cool" Papa Malone
1932-2009
Memorial Day hits home for ol Ty on the real.

Your country thanks you. Your family thanks you. Your son thanks you. Thanks for everything, Pop. Good lookin' out.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Obama Smooths Notre Dame's Feelin's

2009-05-18T07:30:00.005-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

You have to admire that brother. Smooth Barack had *every* reason not to set foot on Notre Dame's campus. Bad PR move, potentially dangerous given how radical Pro-Life folk have become in recent years, no win situation. Put GW Bush in the same position and he'd have conveniently found something equally important to cite as a conflict and reason for not attending. But attend Smooth did - in the midst of the Pro-Life/Pro-Choice controversy - and delivered another thought provoking speech that shows just why he's the right person for the White House...

I can appreciate a President who will engage in debate, discuss topics that are socially difficult and provide thoughtful points for both sides to deliberate. I challenge anyone to view or read that speech and name another politician who could have managed that situation as even-handedly as Smooth did. The Republicans need to take a few notes on how to frame an argument. As Smooth broke it down with respect to arguing opposing views, 'we can do so without reducing those with differing views to caricature'. Amen, my brother. I'm pretty sure Limbaugh, Coulter, Hannity and Malkin will figure out a way to twist that quote into something negative as well. I'm sure they're carving sound-bites from the speech for their broadcasts today with they triflin' a$$es.

I also have to appreciate a President who is consistently seeking opportunities to educate folk on things that may help them check their own views. For the longest, ol Ty has been a serial Notre Dame basher. Touchdown Jesus, Knute Rockney, Fightin' Irish, bladda, bladda, bladda. I guess I'm just not a big fan of spots that come with built in bandwagons and in the midwest, you can find none bigger than Notre Dame. Well a significant part of Smooth's commencement speech focused on Father Ted Hesburgh, former President of Notre Dame. Turns out that 'Father Ted' was also named by President Eisenhower to the six member Civil Rights Commission that ultimate produced the twelve resolutions that would become the famed Civil Rights Act of 1964 (a bill's whose Senate debate brought Martin and Malcolm together for the first and only time). Father Ted proved instrumental in getting the six to overcome their differences and come to a consensus. That's big stuff, y'all. Big stuff. Stuff that helps me develop a better context of the personalities at Notre Dame and why I shouldn't help the Illuminati with their grand plans (should you not know what the HELL ol Ty is talkin' about - check out the Angels & Demons movie or book - that's a deep plot, jack.)

Bottom line - Smooth again talked about things that needed talkin' about and again reminded folk that, 'we must find a way to live together as one human family'.

Can the church say Amen?

Peace@Least,
Tyrone

Wanda Sykes Rocks, Then Thrown Under Bus

2009-05-11T22:18:00.006-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Me and 'Tini Mack were chattin' about the merits of Wanda Sykes monologue at the White House Correspondents Association Dinner - we both liked it, particularly the hard crackin' she did on Flush Rimjob. Smooth rocked it as well but Wanda broke it down the way it needed to be broke and because she wasn't the Prez she could pretty much say it the way she wanted. So imagine Ty's upsetness upon hearing that in the wake of the monologue, the White House thought her comments about Rush were inappropriate (in particular that 'he was the 20th 9/11 hijacker who missed his flight because he was strung out on Oxycontin'). You may think that's strong, but remember, this is the fool who said he wanted Obama to fail at his job - which she equated to Rimjob essentially sayin' that he wanted the country to fail. I contend that that comment is not half as irresponsible as 80% of Flush's outragous daily statements.

I know the WH needs to be a little politically correct, but certainly not when it comes to Flush's big, pompous a$$ so Ty's got to drop a BOO on the Smooth White House on this one. BOO! Quit hatin' on Wanda sayin' what other folks are thinkin'.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty's Sweet Tweets

2009-05-09T07:30:00.000-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I just wanted to let y'all know that not only am I back postin' I'm back Tweetin' via Twitter too. Y'all can follow the exploits on ol Ty's Twitter Feed. I'm droppin' plenty of tweets during the day, y'all - even scooped that Oprah chicken thing that could have gotten you a free grilled 2 piece (no hot pepper or hot sauce tho). You can either subscribe to the feed or check the sidebar on the right to see what ol Ty's up to. Don't say I didn't tell you!

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Smooth Barack's Swagga

2009-05-06T07:30:00.008-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

The other night when I watched Smooth Barack's latest primetime news conference, I noted at the beginning they always have that obligatory long walk down the hallway before steppin' up to the podium and ol Ty further noticed that Smooth was kickin' the 'pimp walk' all the way down. Now before y'all get all up on me about using the term 'pimp' and 'Smooth' in the same sentence, note that this is a southside, non-derogatory term. In this context all it means is a cool walk - all relaxed and what not. George Jefferson had an exaggerated version of it back in the day as did cowboy tough guy John Wayne. These days the new term for 'pimp walk' is 'swagga' and as I came to realize, I'm not the only one noticing Smooth's cool a$$ walk. CNN recently got big time cracked on for devoting air time to 'The Presidential Swagga' and even intro'd the piece with a the M.I.A sample of 'Swagga Like Us'. Can't say that crew ain't ~~desperate for news~~ creative....

If you ask me, things are gettin' pretty superficial, y'all. I see more ink spent on 'Chelle's clothes and hair styles than I do on her remaking of the role of the First Lady by being an active mom, volunteer whirlwind *and* First Lady of the nation. Ol girl does have a degree from Harvard you know - it ain't all about J-Crew and White House / Black Market y'all silly rabbits. But I digress.

I always get a good chuckle from hearing my northside homeys (like CNN's Kyra Phillips) droppin' some southside slang like 'swagga' and 'flava'. To her credit, she almost pulled it off - it wasn't as awkward as if say Betty White or Martha Stewart tried to drop those same terms but it was still awkward. However I like the fact that they aren't afraid to dip into such observations about the cultural differences. Kinda reminds me of that old bit from 'Airplane!' where the brothers are talking their jive and the stewardess needs someone to translate and an old northside woman volunteers. That joint's *still* funny!

We need more of that so our northside homeys won't feel threatened or left out by something that's completely innocent - it's just a part of the culture. So ol Ty is appreciatin' Smooth's swagga and ESPN's Stewart Scott's full body embrace of southside slang on the air and filmmakers who don't water down their southside movies so that everyone can get the gags.

Case in point, I'm up in the show checking out the trailers before that Nicolas Cage movie, 'Knowing' - it's about 20 northsiders and me. Up pops the trailer to that new joint 'Next Day Air' about some delivery guys who accidently deliver a box of cocaine to the wrong apartment much to the glee of Mike Epps and Wood Harris. It's a straight homeys in the hood comedy and you could have heard the crickets chirping in the theater if I hadn't have been crackin' up - just me, myself and Ty, y'all. Now if that had been the trailer to 'Pineapple Express' or 'Observe and Report' the whole joint would have been crackin' up - includin' ol Ty - so what's the difference??

Knowledge is power - ain't nothing to be scurred of y'all. We don't bite...except for that ludacris Mike Tyson... Y'all need to be more like the aforementioned Nicolas Cage. See his real name was Nicolas Coppola (of the Coppola family fame). Turns out homey is an avid comic book fan and took his stage name, 'Cage' from the comic book character 'Luke Cage' - one of the few southside superheroes. Homey gets it. We need more of that. Y'all feel me on the real, home slice? Check it.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Terrence Howard: The Crying Game

2009-05-04T07:30:00.002-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm all about dignity and self respect, y'all and I have to admit that ol Ty is feelin' that Terrence Howard is losin' a bit of his like his weak a$$ movie director character in 'Crash' where he's sittin' on the curb while some rogue LAPD officers grope his wife. Yeah - that may be harsh but it seems to me that ol boy cooked his own goose with this Iron Man thing.

For those who missed the actuals factuals on that one, it goes a little something like this: T-How was cast in the first Iron Man movie as Tony Stark's sidekick, Rhodey (a significant part in the comic so it likely would eventually become a significant part in this big money movie franchise). He's the highest paid actor in the movie despite not being the star. Either demands for similar payment for IM2, bad set behavior on IM1 or both caused the movie makers to show him the door. As actors are known to do, they mistakenly assume they're irreplaceable but T-How found out first hand just how replaceable he was when the movie makers decided to recast my main man Don Cheadle for the role and leave T-How a$$ out. *sigh* When will they ever learn?...

This is a common Hollywood story, y'all. Don't get it twisted into a Southside/Northside thing. Northside actors have been gettin' drop kicked the same way. Remember David Caruso who was hotter than the sun fresh off the first season of 'NYPD Blue'? Ol boy got the big head, got dropped from Season Two and spent some tall years in the casting wilderness before landing a key role in 'CSI: Miami'. His career though will never reach those NYPD Blue heights again. The *only* time this works is if the whole cast is in on the embargo, like that 'Friends' crew. They knew each one of they a$$es could be replaced individually, but there was no way the show could really go on if they all got recast. End result there? Copious Coinage. End result for T-How? A case of Whine with a side helping of The Bitters.

Ol boy needs to be careful before he gets branded 'difficult' and finds himself playin' more roles that WHACK Bah Humbug in 'The Perfect Holiday'. A worse movie character ol Ty has NEVER seen. The only thing that saved that movie from a dreaded ZERO spinners was Charlie Murphy and Kat Williams and they could only bump that joint up to a ONE. A word to the wise T-How from a brother who knows - it's hard out there for a pimp. Stop makin' it harder. Shut up, do your thing and make them regret the decision.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Why Johnny's a Broke A$$

2009-04-29T07:30:00.012-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Remember those little exposés that used to come out back in the day exposing the poor job the school system was doing educating tomorrow's youth? Y'all know the ones - 'Why Can't Johnny Read?', 'Why Can't Johnny Write?', 'Why Can't Johnny Get A Damn Job And Move Out?'. Well Sports Illustrated - SI to you and me - started wondering why, after being given so much, that athletes tended to end up broke more often than not.

Before reading the article ol Ty was all like, "If I could just get me some of that T-O money life would be all good. Crack crib, fleet of cars, easy access to VIP (where I'd find Dwayne Wade hobnobbin' with Sanaa Lathan and Gabrielle Union), enough singles to make it rain down at Magic City every night and not have to worry about picking my singles back up like Pac-Man Jones' cheap a$$". That's a pretty good bedtime story, y'all, but just as karma tends to even out life, that other truism that 'a fool and his money are soon parted' seems to apply particularly well to athletes...

The article is pretty eye-opening. It throws around some ridiculous actual factuals like:

By the time they have been retired for two years, 78% of former NFL players have gone bankrupt or are under financial stress because of joblessness or divorce (more on that later)
Within five years of retirement, an estimated 60% of former NBA players are broke

Now don't go thinkin' that the recent 'economic downturn' had anything to do with this. These knuckleheads were throwin' their chedda out the car window even during the Clinton boom years.

Much of this is attributed to young minds who don't 'have time' to be bothered with the boring details of their money - like how it should last them their entire lives. Instead they outsource the management of their money to third party ~~crooks~~ family members or accountants who are always happy to handle millions of dollars no questions asked. It seems to me that if young southside athletes are going to listen to anybody it would be someone that looks like them and is clockin' major figures like Oprah who consistently says that she *always* signs every check that goes out. Instead it's how many cars can I get, how can I get a Shaq or Kobe crib or 'my boy Rolly really needs a recording studio to jump start his rap career'. Those boyz are all heart and no head - at least no 'big head'.

The 'little head' has also led many a brother into financial ruin. Kanye broke it down with Jamie in 'Golddigger'. There's a reason why honeys don't mess with broke brothers - there's no instant upside. Mess with a rich brother on the other hand and this too can be you Juanita Jordan. According to the article, the divorce rate for pro athletes ranges from 60%-80% and husbands 'routinely lose half of their net worth'. Understandably, agents - to whom athletes are their bread and butter, 'very strongly' recommend pre-nups yet the percentage of pre-nups among athletes is appreciably lower compared with nonathletes at the same economic level. Whaaat? Talk about nose wide open.

Still I have to give it up to my boy Dikembe Mutombo. His girl refused to sign a pre-nup the day before their wedding (okay - that is tacky timing). 500 guests were converging on the wedding site - including Dikembe's crew from the Democratic Republic of Congo, yet ol girl still said, 'Hell no' and Dikembe called off the wedding and had to come out of his pocket to the tune of $250K to pay everything off. I guess women without pre-nups also don't fly in 'the House of Mutombo'. Daaaaaaaang, 'Kembe! Don't hurt 'em like that!!

With money flowing like this can a 'Tyrone Malone Athletic Financial Services' business be too far behind? I think not. After all - I still need to get me some of that T-O money, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The REAL Stedman Graham

2009-04-27T07:30:00.006-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Now you know ol Ty's been wolfin' about Oprah's man's cushy gig for a while now. Mainly I've been pushin' back on the shortys askin' them why they think it's okay for Big O to have Stedman as as 'kept man' year after year but if Steddy was the one with all the loot and he played Big O like that, they'd be screamin' bloody murder about how homeboy 'needs to be a man' and step up to his commitments. That, basement dwellers, is what ol Ty calls a ridiculous double standard.

In the meantime, homeys the world over are hatin' big time on a brother who can seemingly have his cake (enjoy the spoils of Big O's loot) and eat it too (not be bothered with getting married to enjoy the spoils of Big O's loot). But one thing as always bothered ol Ty - just what does Steddy do when Big O comes callin' in the bedroom? Well it seems that Comedy Central has that all figured out...

Now I'm not gonna give it all away, but apparently - according to the video - Steddy has come up with an ingenious way to dodge Big O's amorous advances. Now some of you homey's who have become used to the airbrushed Oprah on the cover of her magazine may ask, 'Man - why even dodge Oprah? Ol girl's kinda cute'. Au contraire, Petite Pierre. Steddy knows better, y'all. There's a bit of a difference between O Magazine Oprah and 'Just Rolled Out Of Bed Oprah' - quite a bit. Yes, I know that's triflin' but if you don't believe me, look at what Tony Parker wakes up to. Good googly-moogly.

The moral to this story fellas? All that glitters ain't gold...unless you're helpin' Oprah stack her chedda.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The Return of Tyrone Malone

2009-04-25T14:33:00.007-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

First - sorry for the long pause for the cause. Second - it's good to be back. Third, 'Where you been, Ty?'

I know many of you have been thinking that ol Ty had gone Hollywood. That he left his millions of adoring blog fans to pursue the almight dollar, date a few Hollywood starlets and spend his late nights and early mornings hittin' all the clubs and swillin' down bottles of Patron up in VIP. Naw, as appealing as that ruckus sounds, ol Ty's absence from the stage was caused by a much more down to earth circumstance...

For the last six weeks ol Ty has been spending time with Papa Malone who had been battling cancer for the last couple years. I realize that I haven't made mention of PM on the blog since my main residence is in Mama Malone's basement but rest assured that PM has been just as big an influence on ol Ty's life. I'm sorry to report that Papa Malone passed on the morning of April 3rd and I've been one grieving brother.

During the last six weeks while PM's illness went from bad to worse, I couldn't bring myself to blog, y'all because the humor just wasn't in me. Even now it's a little hard to dredge up but since my humor flowed directly from Papa Malone, I know that ol boy would want me to keep on keepin' on.

So I'll be back into regular rotation on Monday. I've been collectin' a few choice tidbits over the interim. Before I go, ol Ty would like to give a major shout out to my web girl Diva over at 3BlackChicks.com for hollerin' at a brother during a dark time and reminding him that bloggin' it out can also help get a brother back on the straight and narrow. Thanks, homegirl - your reach out was timely indeed.

So buckle up, y'all. The basement's back in effect. Pop back in on Monday to get back into the actual factuals.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

He's Coming...

2009-04-22T22:56:00.003-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Get ready... The wait is almost over... What's he been doing? Where's he been? What's the deal? It's been a long time, he shouldn't have left you without a dope blog to read through. Your boy is getting ready to re-enter the building. Keep a look out.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Rza is Ty's Nza

2009-03-10T07:30:00.003-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Knowin' that a brother doesn't have much time these days, my human TV RSS feed NS Shorty hipped ol Ty to that recent HBO special: The Black List, Vol. 2 (Ironic no? Yeah - NS Shorty's cool like that, yo). The skinny on this joint is that it's an eclectic collection of segments of a number of southsiders - educators, artists, politicians - all riffin' on the unique experiences that make notable. Now when Rza's a$$ came on I'm like - what's this Wu Tang fool got to offer among the likes of Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick and entertainment producer Suzanne de Passe (who gave us Michael Jackson and the J5, y'all)? We'll y'all know ol Ty can be quick to judge sometimes and with respect to homeboy Rza I found that to be an understatement...

See, most times, ol Ty don't have time to suffer fools gladly and the hip-hop world has a way of hiding a lot of diamonds behind a lot of dusty a$$ coal (take that anyway you want to). So here comes Rza and he starts talkin' about Asian history, his love for and study of chess and the time he takes out to motivate kids. So I ease my finger off the fast forward button and listen to the brother. He says at one such talk that one kid in the front row challenged him about living outside the hood, askin', 'Why you not keepin' it real? Why you ain't in the hood?'

Rza dropped it like this, y'all. 'Hold on. You think people *want* to be in the hood? You think I want to be somewhere where I got someone living on top of me, beneath me and on both side of me? When I walk outside I got rapists, the guns the drugs all concentrated in a four block radius? I have five acres now - nah mean? Me and my son appreciate that. We walk to the mailbox yo and I can let him walk 100 feet in front of me, nah mean? Just being a boy. When I was growin' up in the hood I couldn't wait to be the f**k out of there.'

Now I know some of y'all will be all like, 'but Ty we can't abandon the hood'. Ol Ty contends, like Rza, that some parts of the hood do need to be abandoned, bulldozed and rebooted from scratch. Y'all know the spots of which I type. Don't front. So I can appreciate brother Rza all the more keepin' it real on that point. Now that aforementioned jibber-jabber would have been enough for ol Ty, but then Rza had to go get all philosophical and drop a strong a$$ closing that went something like, 'I've had a chance to see the Shoaling Temple in China, the Wu Tang Mountains in China, the Pyramids of Egypt, the Coliseum - many historical sites and I realized that we've always had a lot of scientific knowledge. Black Kings throughout history. My presence - our presence - has always been there. It's just been buried under a lot of sand.'

Rza - don't hurt 'em, homey! Got to give it up to brother Rza, y'all. Another brother I completely misjudged. Man, I may just have to tip on over to iTunes and cop me some Wu Tang...or at least some Chris Rock Pootie Tang. Anyway, if y'all missed it, you may want to go hunt down The Black List - both volumes 1 & 2, take a pause for the cause and appreciate your fam.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty! What's the Deal, Homey??

2009-03-03T01:59:00.004-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I know y'all are missin' a brother - I miss me some me too, but there's been a little drama at Casa Malone. Seems Mama Malone was tired of have a 'grown a$$ man' (her phrase y'all, not mine) livin' up in her basement all rent free. Yes, I'm sad to say that the economic downturn has finally effected ol Ty. To help make ends meet, mama dropped an ultimatum on a brother so I had to get one of my boyz to hook me up with a (*gasp*!) job.

So now The Man's got ol Ty ALL STRUNG OUT! Got a brother slavin' into all hours of the day and night to pad his damn pockets with some paper. Somehow mama doesn't see the injustice of this all - she just likes the regular residuals hittin' her pocket book. So there you have it, y'all. Yet another jacked up turn of events thanks to GW's 'economic downturn'. Ol Ty dearly hopes to get back into regular rotation again once I can figure out how to get some fool to do my work for me (all Tom Sawyer like). Until then, things will be pretty spotty but don't think I won't be comin' back to handle my mine like you know I do. Keep the faith, y'all!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty's Quarterly Dumb A$$ Awards

2009-02-16T07:30:00.019-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Guess who's back?

Back and fired up, y'all! There's been a week's worth of triflin' shananigans goin' on which I feel are more than worth ol Ty dustin' off a new batch of Dumb A$$ statuettes. Now let me first hip y'all to the fact that the Dumb A$$ies, as we in the biz have taken to calling the awards, were actually inspired by my boy Cat Daddy who is quick to call someone a 'Dumb A$$'. It would go something like this:

Ty: 'Cat Daddy! Did you hear that Eddie Murphy got caught in an alley with a transvestite hooker?' Cat Daddy: 'He's a dumb a$$!' or Ty: Cat Daddy! Did you hear that Kobe Bryant got caught kickin' it with a hotel worker?' Cat Daddy: 'He's a dumb a$$!' See? It's pretty simple really. So check me after the jump for a fresh peep at all the 1Q09 winners...

#10 - DMX

All y'all know my boy 'X' has been wildin' out for a few now. Suffice it to say that all his legal troubles finally landed his rusty butt in AZ's Tent City Jail for a much needed timeout. But does homey *finally* settle down, play nice and just do his bid? Hell naw! That fool is still clownin'. He got smacked down gettin' all Etta James-like with the guards claimin' he'd kick they a$$es before finding out that the guards actually *run* the prison and can do things like put your dumb a$$ in solitary and feed you bread and water for a few.

#9 - RNC Chairman Michal Steele

Wow - how pathetic is it that the Republican Party, after realizing how out of touch it is with the national complexion of the nation, reaches out to find a southsider to head the Republican National Committee? Apparently not as pathetic as it is to know that kind of ruckus is afoot and still accept the position. So now for the last few weeks we've had to suffer through those whack sound bites from cousin talkin' 'bout, 'there ain't nothing wrong with the Republican message', blah, blah, blah. Now in the midst of the Republican boycott of the economic stimulus package, Mike Steal ignorantly proclaimed that, 'You and I know that in the history of mankind and womankind, government -- federal, state or local -- has never created one job.' Hmmm...homey must not have ever visited Usajobs.gov - there appear to be at least a couple jobs on that site. And if I'm not mistaken, he was a lieutenant governor of Maryland which I'm pretty sure is a government job. That ignorant comment more than qualifies homey as a Dumb A$$.

#8 - A-Rod

You gotta love how every ball player who gets asked, prior to getting caught, whether they've ever used 'performance enhancing drugs' always pops off a sincere 'No, never' while tryin' to pull off that indignant look that says, 'wow - I can't believe you even asked a player of my caliber that question - you must be a dumb a$$'. Then after gettin' cold caught, they talk some mess about, 'being young and stupid' and 'feeling the need to do something to keep up with the competition', but they never once mention what they really are - Dumb A$$es. At least you looked fly on TV with that sweater and the slicked down hair, homey. I'm sure all the ladies are still swoonin'.

#7 - Nadya Suleman

(6 kidz + 8 kidz) - (1 husband) - (1 steady income) + (0 common sense) = A Dumb A$$. Okay, I'll give her a little extra credit for tryin' to shake down media outlets to get some endz together but come on now! Well at least the Pro-Life crew has a poster child for life. I'm waiting to hear how they plan to donate some ducats to the cause...

#6 - Congressional Republicans

Three Republican votes for the economic stimulus package? That's childish. But that's okay. What goes around, comes around and we'll see what's playin better in Peoria come 2010. Y'all are some triflin' Neros fiddlin' around while the country burns. Here's a little something to ponder while y'all jack up those nervous high fives in the Capitol hallways the next few weeks - y'all Dumb A$$es.

#5 - Republican Senator John McCain

Concerned Hater #1. I can't believe that Smooth held a party in your honor the night before his inauguration. Citizen McCain - you're one ungrateful, played out, bitter, angry Dumb A$$ who will hopefully be fully retired from the game come 2010 (unless Axelrod's boyz retire you late one night on your way home before then...)

#4 - Republican Senator Judd Greggs

Let me get this straight. Either Smooth Barack's team comes to you or you go to them about becoming the next Commerce Secretary. Doesn't really matter. Now before all the news starts about you getting the nod and whether your home state governor is going to replace you with another Republican, bladda, bladda, bladda, wouldn't you at least kinda know you really didn't want the job in the first place? Why front and let this thing play out just to jump out at the last minute and claim it was because your Republican sensibilities were shocked at the economic stimulus plan steamrolling it's way through congress? Those are moves only a Dumb A$$ would display. Good luck shapin' economic policies from the cheap seats in the Senate.

#3 - Barack Obama

Y'all know it pains me to include Smooth Barack in this quarter's quota but I got to keep it real. First kudo's for getting the stimulus plan through and I appreciate the bipartisan attempt this time through but we see now that the Republican crew was clearly only out for the treats you laid out and had always planned on trickin' you into thinking that they would be even a tiny bit reasonable. If ol Ty learns later that you saw this comin and did it anyway, I'll retract the award but as it looks now, they played you for polical points. It's all good though - don't get mad, get even. Roll with it and let their chickens come home to roost in '10.

#2 - Rihanna

See #1

#1 - Chris Brown

What were you thinkin? Now I've heard all kinds of jibber-jabber surroundin' this literal ruckus. Ol girl was flirtin' with Timbaland, ol girl played the jealousy card, tried to jump bad and got beat down for her efforts. Dude, there's no excuse for beatin' a woman down like that except maybe self-defense. If she really has it comin' cause she's been beatin' on you, get one of your girls to drop her a$$ - cuz in all cases if it's you landin' the body blows, you're in jail postin' bail, Dumb A$$. Now if the rumors are true that she hacked your text messages got made when she saw some she didn't appreciate and tossed the keys of your rented Lamborghini out the window, well okay - I can maybe see a little pepper spray, but no fisticuffs, baby. That's just uncalled for.

Lifetime Achievement Dumb A$$ Award - Sarah Palin
Honorable Mention - The Economy

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Etta to Beyonce: I'm Etta James, Bi#ch!

2009-02-06T07:30:00.015-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I was all set to post on my recent jailhouse interview with OJ when I caught a snippet of a radio show talkin' 'bout Etta James. My first thought was, 'Dang! Ol girl died a little more than a month after my girl Eartha Kitt passed'. But oh no, y'all - ol Etta still hasn't gotten to that great gettin' up morning yet. Nope - ol girl was just caught rockin' some raucous disses on Beyonce *and* my boy Smooth Barack. It's audio only but you can clearly hear her dissin' on Smooth's ears and plainly statin' that she'd 'whip Beyonce's' a$$ if they ever square off in a dark alley. Wow. Let me also state it plainly for, y'all just in case your mama never taught you right - 1) a lot of shortys tend not to age gracefully and 2) hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Let's proceed to a tactical breakdown of the actual factuals...

Okay, Point #1: "Shortys tend not to age gracefully". Yeah, I said it. Many of them don't. Particularly those who's livelihoods depend to a large part on their looks (actresses, entertainers, shake dancers, y'all know who). Case in point: Ol girl Faye Dunaway had this to say when told that her classic character Bonnie Parker would be played by young shorty Hilary Duff in the remake of the classic movie 'Bonnie & Clyde', 'Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?' Daaaang, Faye! Okay, Hil-Duff's no Cate Blanchett but that's some hater induced uncalledforness. What she's really saying is, 'Dang, I'm an old actress now and can only get roles playin' these young girls' grandmothers. I used to be hot like that'. Not surprisingly, Hil-Duff did the catty shorty thing and replied in kind sayin', 'I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know, uh, I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too'. As my girl NS Shorty would say, 'Oooooo, ouch'.

Now let's be honest, though. Homeboys suffer from this type of hateration too. You know we all have young buck high school or college age family members flexin regularly and notin' publicly how you've 'lost a step' or 'never had a step in the first place'. Yes, y'all it can be tough to admit that you've been bumped from the squad of warriors headed out on the hunt to the 'council of elders' plannin' village strategy. But I digress....

Point #2: "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned". A few cases? Monica Lewinsky, Heather Mills, Juanita Jordan, Lorena Bobbitt. Guess we can sure add Etta James' a$$ to that list. You listen to ol girl riffin' at her performance and you can read between every line. It goes a little somethin' like this, 'That bastard Smooth Barack! That ninja has the audacity to dance his first dance as President to *MY* song and not invite my black a$$ to sing it? We'll that mickey fickey can straight kiss my black a$$. And that Beyonce! Who the hell does she think she is? Who said she was God's gift and talented enough to sing *MY* song to the President? The crackheads in Harlem? That little hefer's $hit stinks just like mine...and her weave don't even look real! There. I said it! I don't even care that she played me in that tired little movie 'Cadillac Records'. Who saw that movie anyway? Beyonce, Jay-Z and two other people? Please. I'm Etta James, bitch! Y'all better recognize!' Or something to that effect.

Here's my advice to all y'all - Faye, Etta (extra advice - stop drinkin' alcohol before, during and after your shows...and take your pills like the doctor asked), mama - let it go. Y'all had your day! Do your part to keep America beautiful by gracefully movin' y'all old a$$es aside and makin' room for all the hot, young, sexys comin' up.

Okay - time for ol Ty to go before he gets hit with a brick.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

(Tax) Dodgin' Daschle out as Smooth Says 'My Bad'

2009-02-04T07:30:00.006-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm in the car yesterday morning, runnin' my girl to the airport and the topic of tax dodgin' Tom Daschle came up and how Smooth Barack should play it. We both agreed that in the wake of his Treasury Secretary pick, Tim 'You have to pay taxes?' Geithner and before we even knew about 'Chief Performance Officer' nominee Nancy Killefer's 'personal tax issues' that the whole deal appeared unseemly and that Tax Dodgin' Tom needed to go. I'm glad he dropped off his papers and hit the road, but ol Ty's a little surprised that the vaunted Smooth Barack vetting machine has developed a serious hitch in its giddy-up. (Commerce Secretary nominee) Bill Richardson, Geithner, Daschle and Killefer - three tax related issues and one possible pay-to-play scheme (a scheme that's surprisingly not in Illinois this time...). It seems to ol Ty that, given past history, that the tax question would be one of the first questions asked, right after the 'have you even been involved in a pay-to-play scheme' question. That's Vetting 101, y'all. Of course you could ask the questions and not get truthful answers but folks have to know that in *this* day and time - it's all gonna come out eventually....

So Smooth hits the news cycle wipin' some early egg off his face and coppin' to a 'my bad' plea. I can appreciate the apology but with the dire importance of getting a good stimulus package passed hangin' in the balance, I have to admit that I have my fingers crossed that all the personnel glitches are now ironed out. Especially since Smooth has put a lot of stock in the brainpower he has assembled to put needed focus on that and other pressing issues. Seems to me brainpower like should be able to figure out how to go to TurboTax.com and type in some numbers. It's interesting how folks with money can find more ways not to pay Gangster Sam. Well it's lookin' like our boy Sam's got his people out on the blocks takin' names and crashin' careers. Guess I need to go dust off my W-2 too...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Folks Still Pilin' on The First Lady

2009-02-02T20:31:00.013-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Dang! Has any other First Lady caught the same flack so early? First there was the fallout from her Inaugural gown (which is triflin since she'd have gotten slammed if she wore a $1 million dollar Vera Wang or a $500 joint from White House | Black Market - everybody's got somethin' to say). Black Artist Association co-founder Amnau Eele was quick to pop off on 'Chelle for not wearin' a gown designed by a southside designer (and caught the same heinous blowback treatment that was formerly reserved for hatin' Tavis Smiley) and now, the third spoke of the Axis of Evil (which includes Ward Connerly and 'Uncle' Clarence Thomas), Fox News Political Analyst, Juan Williams, recently popped off on 'Chelle on The O'Reilly Factor talkin' 'bout, 'Chelle's got "this Stokely Carmichael-in-a-designer-dress thing going". First, ol girl's not really into designer dresses. Second it sounds to me like Won-Will needs to have this 'Drop Squad' thing going...

For my northside homeys who may not be familiar with Brother Stokely (or Kwame Ture as he was known to his familiars), Brother Stokely was an honorary Prime Minister of The Black Panther Party and a mover and shaker in the Black Nationalist and Pan-Africanist movements. In other words, Stokely was what used to be known as a 'black militant' which is the same brush some folks were tryin' to paint 'Chelle with durin' the heat of the campaign. Remember that whack a$$ New Yorker Magazine cover? Well, that's the 'characture' image they were going for with 'Chelle - terrorist fist jab and all. Apparently, it's an image that, despite being patently false, is one that Won-Will has no issues with perpetuatin'. Somehow, ol boy's got it in his twisted mind that 'Chelle is going to be a detriment rather than an asset to Smooth Barack which just seems to be 'sad little man' talk to me.

Here's my advice to Won-Will and it comes from my boy Chamillionaire and it goes, 'Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, keep runnin' homey, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, they on the trail'. That would be the Drop Squad Won-Will cuz your a$$ is in desperate need of some deprogrammin'. So, if any of you see Won-Will wanderin' around the Fox News Studios, drop a dime or get a tweet off to the the Drop Squad Twitter feed. Dude, ease up off 'Chelle and let her rise or fall on her own merits - she's been First Lady for what - two weeks? And most importantly, Won-Will - ease up off that Fox News crack pipe and get yourself into a 12-step program, homey. Hopefully we see you on the other side sometime soon, but until then...'come back, brother'. Ward 'Big Con' Connerly and Uncle Clarence are havin' enough fun without your silly butt.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ilinois Senate to Blagojevich - SEE YA!

2009-01-30T08:48:00.004-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Daaaaang! 59-0? Not one friendly 'nay' vote not to kick F-Rod Blogojevich to the curb? Guess not. But last night I'm watchin' homey plead his case out in front of his crib, talkin' 'bout how 'he's gonna 'fight on', and 'do what's right' and trippin' on how many supporters he still had callin' out ridiculousness like, 'We love you Rod!' and talkin' 'bout how he got a raw deal. Clearly there's a rampant drug problem in F-Rod's neighborhood - a lot of basement LSD brews being passed around like progressive pot luck dishes cuz there ain't a lot to love about F-Rod's corrupt behavior or his pathalogical attempts to distort the facts (which according to him were *all* taken out of context. Hey, if that didn't work for ol Ty when his old girl overheard him tellin' his boys that her hair was lookin' a little jacked up, why should it work for him when he's overheard sayin he needed a little somethin' for Smooth Barack's senate seat?)

So happy trails, F-Rod! Don't let the door knob hit ya, where the good Lord split ya! As for the rest of us? Ol Ty has the over/under on the number of days until the next Illinois political scandal at 15. Who's in?

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Myron Rolle says No to NFL, Yes to MORE School

2009-01-29T07:30:00.005-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I know. I said 'Whaaaaat' too, especially when I found out that homey was a southside safety from Florida State. You know FSU has a pretty good record of placin' their players in the NFL, so you can be assured that Myron Rolle was in line for some pretty tall ducets. It's rare when you find a college athlete who's lookin' for *more* school but I guess it's also rare for a college athlete to qualify for a Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford. Just how hard is it to get a Rhodes Scholarship? Follow me after the jump and find out...

The roster of former Rhodes Scholars reads like a Who's Who list. You've got former Presidents, Nobel Prize winners, former CIA directors, military admirals and generals, ambassadors, even Smooth Barack's current U.S. Ambassador to the UN, southside shorty Dr. Susan Rice. There's some rarified air in there, y'all.

Now I admit that if you have the option to do *both* - kick it in Oxford for a year or two, then still declare for the NF draft that's a pretty good option to have and that seems to be the route that My-Rolle is headed down but ol Ty still has to give cousin mad props for sayin' no to the money now when that NFL lifestyle is pretty tantalizing. So in the era of college and pro players behaving badly I'm encouraged by a story like this and hopefully in the new Smooth era, we'll be hearing more and more of this type of thing.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty Gets Hit By The Block

2009-01-26T21:57:00.004-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

As in writer's block. I can't explain it. I've got the topics but for some reason ol Ty can't string two sentences together at the moment. Bear with me, y'all. I'll get it worked out in a minute. I'm so ashamed. Smooth would be so disappointed with a brother. Must be time for another road trip to recharge my battrees...or time for a cheesesteak with a little Cheez Whiz.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

President Barack Obama: Oh Happy Day!

2009-01-21T07:30:00.008-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Surreal. Yes, there are a lot of adjectives ol Ty can attribute to yesterday, but the one that sums it up best for me is surreal. From seeing Smooth Barack and his telegenic family arrivin' at the Capitol in that massive motorcade, to seein' Smooth take the oath of office (despite Chief Justice Roberts giving him the wrong words), to seein' Justice Roberts congratulate him as Mr. President, to his well worded inaugural speech and his first entrance to 'Hail to The Chief'. All completely surreal, y'all but oh so satisfying. I watched the coverage over at my boy Cat Daddy's crib with his Madear and we both kept lookin' at the TV screen and askin' each other, 'Can you believe this?' Clearly we still can't. It's gonna take a few for this to all sink in. On my way out back to my crib I ran into my boy Big Mike comin' in and as we dapped up and I congratulated him on our new President, he said, 'You know - I got love for everybody today. Whether folks like the guy or not, I'm movin' on and just being glad in the moment'. Ol Ty couldn't have typed it any better. So I know y'all peeped in to hear my impressions on the day so check me after the jump...

First off - my people will be my people. Now I know it wasn't all southsiders chantin', 'Na,na,na,na, na,na,na,na, hey,hey,hey - goodbye' when GW showed up on the grandstand but I'm sure y'all were thick in the mix and I had to feel a little bad for GW and the fam since this was their last day and all. Even Count Chaney looked all frail and lost in his little wheelchair. I know GW was pretty bad, but no need to kick him on the way out.

Second, 'Chelle, Lil 'Chelle (Malia) and Cool Breeze (Sasha) were laid, y'all. They had the 'Beyonce' hair workin', cute little color coordinate outfits and they looked like they all walked straight off the set of 'The Cosby Show'. The Obamas are the new Huxtables, y'all. I also appreciated that 'Chelle's mama (who, thanks to 'Tini Mack, will now be referred to as the First Madear) fell right into her new role as caretaker of the First Kids. That's all good. I expect some spankins all around when they set some curtains on fire in the White House after playin' with scented candles in their room after being told not too. The First Madear looks like she doesn't play.

Third, there's a reason why I dubbed Barack 'Smooth'. There's no better adjective for homey. He's calm, cool, collected and humorous at every turn. He even tried to help out the Chief Justice when he blew the oath (that joint's like twelve words (okay - thirty-five but you feel me) *and* it's not like he didn't know the day was comin' - what happened to a little practice??). The speech was typical Smooth and homey just seemed so comfortable and poised in the moment. I have no doubt that demeanor will carry on into the Oval Office. He gave all the appropriate shoutouts to let folks know that the US is back in the business of leading the world both by word and deed. Gotta like the sound of that.

Forth, was there a better speaker (besides Smooth) during the ceremony than the Rev. Joseph Lowery (a brother who helped lead the Montgomery Bus Boycott)? Homey could have stayed up there all day. I appreciated him droppin' some of the oh so appropriate words from the 'Black National Anthem' - Lift Every Voice and Sing as well as his keepin' it real at the end by updatin' those old school sayin's by sayin' to the Lord, 'We ask You to work for that day when Black will not be asked to get back, when Brown can stick around, when Yellow will be mellow, when the Red Man can get ahead man and when White will embrace what is right' - ol Ty hit all three amens after that one, y'all. I love that brother.

Finally, I appreciate the appearance that Smooth and 'Chelle put in at the 'Neighborhood Ball' and, more importantly, the importance that they placed on that Ball - the People's ball. A lot of politicians talk the talk but it really seems like these two walk the walk too. They get that it's always been of, for and by the people, not themselves.

I also appreciate the way those two seem to genuinly love each other, the way they looked at each other during their first dance and the very appropriate Beyonce rendition of 'At Last'.

In my mind, the Presidency has always been about being a leader and a role model and throughout the day (actually from the time he hit the national stage) Smooth proved over and over that he's the right person for job, at the right moment in history.

At last. Oh happy day, y'all. Oh happy day.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

NYC's 'Hudson Hero' Should Talk to NYC's 'Subway Hero'

2009-01-19T07:30:00.005-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

What is it with NYC and January? Remember back in 2007 when regular Wesley (Autrey), The Construction Worker jumped onto the subway tracks to save a strickened man just as the No. 1 train was speeding into the station? Now we have Sully, The Airplane Pilot who managed to successfully ditch a commercial airplane in the Hudson River and (assisted by a seriously unsung flight crew) managed to get all the passengers off safely. [Quick Aside, y'all - the fame and adulation for these two I can understand, but Joe, The Plumber? A perfect case of 'Empty Celebrity']. Okay I'm back.

In the wake of the national outpouring for Sully I thought it would be a good idea to check back in with Wesley to see how his hero celebrity has been treating him. You may think from that 'American Gangster' glossy that it's all good, but when it comes to fame and money we all know there's a dark side. Apparently it didn't take long for the 'Subway Hero' to get behind the velvet rope and be seated right next to Big Poppa Exploitation - also known as The Notorious E-X-P...

Now brother Wesley (deservedly) got what ol Ty calls the Platinum Steak and Cake Treatment. Meaning that no sooner had he emerged from the subway than folks were lining up to congratulate him, reward him, and tell his story. Oprah, Ellen, Letterman, GW, the governor, the mayor, Senator 'Sister' Hillary. The whole nine, y'all. Donald Trump even broke him off a piece of his chedda to the tune of $10K. Brother Wesley got two years worth of season tickets to the Nets (dang - how cheap are the Knicks!), a free trip to the Superbowl, a box seat at the State of The Union address, Disneyworld, free iMacs for the kidz - even the grinchy MTA, whose train almost killed him, kicked in with a year's worth of free rides. [Quick Aside: If a guy prevents your train from killing someone, don't you think that's at least worth rides for life just for him? I know the President of the MTA *and* his peeps probably ride for free all the time! Y'all cheap a$$es!] Okay I'm back. All pretty heady stuff for a construction worker.

Of course the price of fame is that the exposure that comes with it makes you known to other folks kindly referred to as 'scum'. It started right away with family and friends. Y'all know 'em - those fools who wouldn't give you the time of day when you're just Wesley, The Construction Worker but are all over you when you become Wesley, The Subway Hero - a phenomenon broken down raw style in Mike Jones' 'Back Then'). In this case, Wesley's Pops - who rolled when homey was 4 and had rarely been in touch since - called to let him know that it was a good that he did and that if he was coming to the family reunion to bring some of that money with him. Triflin'. Then there was the ol girl who dropped kicked his a$$ fifteen years ago who suddenly showed up all attentive-like and when she got called for bein' triflin' - 'where you been the last fifteen years?' - could only reply with the tired, 'Oh so it's like that?'. If y'all could see me as I type this you'd see me still shakin' my head at that tomfoolery. But y'all see what's comin', right? Just as clearly as you could see the end of Will Smith's 'Seven Pounds' about half way through.

Yes, Brother Wesley hired some 'people' to manage his interests and help him cultivate projects, signed a regrettable contract and went to court to get his property rights back and void the contract that stipulated he pay out 50% of any earnings over three years (which is about the shelf life of 'instant' celebrity). So Capt. Sully - recognize that there's some bad coming with all this good. Keep your eyes open and be thankful that brother Wesley has blazed a path that should help keep you on the right track should your Air Force Academy senses fail you in bright glare of new found riches.

In the meantime, NYC! What y'all got up your sleeve for Act III? Somebody gonna rescue the passengers of a bus rigged to blow if it goes over 50? Somebody gonna foil the plans of the Decepticons when they infiltrate the city and take City Hall hostage? Somebody gonna keep the Mets and Giants from choking down the stretch? Oh - sorry. My bad on that...

Here's something to keep in mind while you're ponderin' - heroism isn't always spectacular. You have every day people at it everyday - you just need to look a little harder and hope that should your moment to shine come that your first thought won't be 'Oooo - dang, that's too bad' instead of 'Wow - that could be someone I know'.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Hey! Where are all the Black Folk?

2009-01-16T07:00:00.000-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

If it's Tuesday, January 20th then you really don't need to ask. Chris Rock alluded to this in his raw HBO special 'Kill The Messenger'. Since that joint came out pre-election, Chris said that should Obama win the election, northsiders shouldn't expect to see (or get any help from) southsiders the next day. At the airport? You better Skycap your own damn bags. Railway station? Same deal.

So you know on Inauguration Day the workplace is going to be a southside free zone, particularly with it comin' a day after the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday. Lady E. (ever ready with an article) hipped ol Ty to this joint on MSNBC.com talkin' 'bout 'Some Blacks Choose Inauguration Over Work'. "Some"? Let me hip, y'all to an actual factual. Those that 'choose work over Inauguration' will be gettin' Drop Squaded in the parking lot as soon as they leave for the day...

Ain't no missin' Smooth Barack's Inauguration! You either need to have your rusty butt in D.C. cold chillin' (literally - tho Tuesday temps are forecast to be in the 'balmy' 30's - which sounds pretty good when I'm lookin' out the basement window at -14 degrees as I type) or have your rusty butt parked in front of a TV watchin' this thing unfold *LIVE*. Don't let ol Ty hear that you timeshifted that joint with a DVR! You can DVR that bad boy for posterity, but if you don't watch it live, guess what? That's right - Drop Squaded. Like my boy the late Bernie Mac would say - 'I ain't scared of you [Mickey Fickeys]'. Do the right thing, y'all. If you can't get up for this, it's time for you to hit Liberia for real.

And for y'all misguided few who will chose work thinkin' that's gonna get you noticed, promoted, a bonus or whatever - I've got Jay-Z's original demo tape I'd like to sell you and a little bit of news for you. It's one day, y'all. Enjoy it. Celebrate it. And free your mind - if only for a day.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty Picks The Best Two TV Characters Of All Time

2009-01-13T07:30:00.002-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Sorry about being MIA, y'all. This part-time Super-Target gig that Mama Malone got me workin' is KILLIN' a brother. That yang's got me all discombobulated. Anyway, I've been meanin' to drop this post for a few and since we just saw some bogosity unfold at the Golden Globes with the Hollywood Foreign Press thinkin' they know TV characters, it's a good time for ol Ty to drop his two coins in the fountain....

I'll start with the first runner up - Robert Knepper - better known to Prison Break fans (yeah - I know - that's show went two seasons too long) as Theodore 'T-Bag' Bagwell. I came to Prison Break late, y'all so I did the iTunes marathon catch-up thing and cracked the hell up when I first saw T-Bag walkin' across the prison yard with a young prisoner holdin' on to his out-turned pocket. He strolled up to the main character, Michael Scowfield, turned out his other pocket and told 'Pretty' he had another pocket to spare. T-Bag is a country 'Bama type who got turned into a sadistic pedophile at the hands of an abusive, backwoods father.

Ol boy's what I call a 'cockroach' - one of those characters that no matter what occurs still ends up scurryin' back out once the lights get turned out. This a guy who had his hand chopped off after escapin then coerced a veterinarian to sew it back on - before killing him. Eventually that appendage had to go so he ended up killin' a vietnam vet to get his prosthetic hand. Given all this, why would I think he's a good character? Because despite all that heinousness, his ingenuity and knack for survival is always on display with a non-stop string of comical one-liners uttered with a country corn-pone accent. The fact that he can even come off likable - the ultimate tragic figure - is a testament to his acting. In a large ensemble cast - he *always* stands out.

The same can be said for ol Ty's all-time favorite character, 'Omar Little' from the recently ended HBO series 'The Wire'. I got to give it up to my girl Lady E for turnin' me on to that show (which I'm also catching up on thanks to iTunes - I'm on Season 4 of 5). Accordin' to Lady E. Michael K. Williams did what few other actors can do. Come on to a show to play a small, temporary part and be so good at it that the character becomes a mainstay of the show four seasons later. Jaleel White pulled that off with Steve Urkel back in the day but to do so on a show that already has a strong ensemble cast is pretty impressive.

For the uninitiated, Omar's self professed occupation is 'rippin' and runnin'' - rippin' off drug dealers and runnin' with their drugs and cash. He's got a scrupulous set of street ethics - he only deals with criminals 'in the game' and never bothers regular 'citizens'. His weapon of choice is a shotgun, which he hides under his black duster and you can hear him comin' (but never see him until it's too late) because he's strolling along in the dark whistlin' 'The Farmer in the Dell'. What's not to like?

Ol dude is straight comic relief in a very gritty series but he can get down and dirty with the best of them. For instance, in one show he found himself in a dark alley at the business end of a gun wielded by some New York muscle - a Nation of Islam, bow-tie wearing gangster named Brother Muzone. Omar had shot Brother M. some weeks earlier thinkin' he killed a partner of his (yes - y'all Omar is also a gay rip and runner), but when he found he got some bad information, he called an ambulance and Brother M. pulled through. Now Brother M. has come back on him in the alley where the following conversation ensues:

BM: I see you favor a .45
Omar: Tonight I do. And I keeps one in the chamber in case you're ponderin'
BM: I suppose we could stand here forever
Omar: I suppose we could or end this once and forever
BM: I want to ask you something, brother
Omar (after a pause): Omar listenin'

You gotta like a brother who refers to himself in the third person, y'all! If you've never watched either show and you're lookin' for some iPod 'idle time' entertainment, I'd recommend all of The Wire and at least Season One of Prison Break. Even if you don't care for the shows, you'll be diggin' these two as soon as they hit the screen. Trust me.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Roland Burris Told To 'Get To Gone'

2009-01-07T06:55:00.007-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

You saw it comin' like an earth killin' asteroid from 100 miles out. Despite his cheesin' and premature declarations of being 'the junior senator from the State of Illinois' and lookin' forward to 'gettin' his senate legs under him', it now appears that for the moment all Ro-Bur will be gettin' is back after comin' to the Senate chamber to get sworn in and being told by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, 'You don't know me like that'. Daaaaaaaamn. That's cold, Harry! So now Ro-Bur says he'll huddle with his lawyers and probably chill in a downtown D.C. Super 8 Motel while this Illinois senate seat saga gets sorrier and sorrier by the day...

I was chillin' in Norfolk about to get busy with an egg sandwich that Mama Malone put together when I saw the breakin' CNN news that Ro-Bur had accepted the nomination for the seat by our recently disgraced governor F-Rod Blogojevich. My first thought was, 'What's he thinkin'?' For the moment that seat is about as radioactive as Chernobyl so all I could think of is 'power grab' since everyone related to pavin' the way to successfully securing the seat, including the Secretary of State, Jesse White, was saying that they wouldn't accept anyone put up by F-Rod. Once F-Rod put up Ro-Bur's name, Jesse made it his business not to certify the appointment which gave the U.S. Senate an easy out when Ro-Bur showed up. That does beg the question, however of what the Senate would have done had Ro-Bur showed up with legitimate credentials?

I find it interesting that some folk in the Ro-Bur camp would invoke the memory of former New York Congressman Adam Clayton Powell, Jr. A-Powell was the first southside congressman from New York and became one of only two southsiders in Congress at the time. A-Powell had to put up with a lot of racial foolishness just to get equal treatment from his peers, many of whom at that time were some a$$-backward thinkers. In ol Ty's opinion, tryin' to equate Ro-Bur's current situation with A-Powell's is disingenuous at best. That's on the order of Bush, The First replacing Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall with Clarence 'Uncle' Thomas, though not quite as heinous. Ro-Bur knew what was comin' before he even accepted F-Rod's nomination. He should have done like the others who were asked before him - politely decline, wait for the dust to settle and then get in line when the legitimate appointment process started up.

But apparently homey thought he could slip into the seat (which he still might) and kick it Senate style for a couple years since that's a pretty cushy gig. I'd have to say the media frenzy surrounding this whole thing would seem to make that gig a lot less cushier but power seems to be pretty seductive to some folk. Me? I prefer my seduction in a different package entirely (triflin' but true). That might change once I'm 71 though...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Barack TV: All Smooth, All The Time

2009-01-05T07:22:00.008-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I spent quite a bit of time travelin' over the holidays so ol Ty logged more than a few minutes in airports from here to the east coast and back. One thing I noticed as I tried to steer clear of those tasty a$$ Cinnabons and big chocolated chip cookies from Starbucks was how many magazines Smooth Barack is coverin' these days. From Time to Men's Health homey has definitely reached 'maximum exposure'. Even 'Chelle is covering Essence mag this month lookin' all glamorous. I didn't have time to check out Nickelodeon or Tiger Beat to see if Lil 'Chelle (Malia) or Cool Breeze (Sasha) were handlin' the cover duties but I sure wouldn't doubt it.

No doubt Family Obama is now firmly in the global fishbowl - even the kids first day of new school is newsworthy. One recent article ol Ty read with more than a little interest was how the southside press is retoolin' their so so news coverage (in ol Ty's opinion) to finally step up and recognize that there are bigger things goin' on in the world than Bey and Jay-Z's latest Mediterranean yacht cruise...

According to the article, Essence will now have full time White House reporter, as will Ebony and Jet will have a weekly two page Washington Report - no doubt squeezed in next to the Beauty of The Week (check out their Smooth Barack-centric website). Maa fact, I bet if they put the Beauty of The Week between those two Washington Report pages, they might actually get a few more homeys to actually read them. Even our (southsiders) most popular cable TV ghetto, BET, is steppin' up with four hours of inauguration coverage. I wonder if the commercial breaks will still feature payday loans, Nellie ringtones and Blue Blocker sun glasses? Roman wasn't built in a day, y'all. Ol Ty will reserve his hate until he actually sees some coverage but until then I have to give BET a little dap, if only for their previous convention and election day coverage.

However, the excellent question that April Ryan, of American Urban Radio Networks, asks is 'What took so long?' Ol girl has been covering the White House for 11 years, so she can ask. I've been coverin' Smooth for four so so can I. Did news just get invented? Hasn't the doin's in the White House, regardless of the race of the occupant, *always* been relevant to the southside community? I'm pretty sure that's the case. What do y'all think?

But it's a new year and ol Ty has resolved to look forward instead of back so I'll look upon this as welcomed news and hope that this is the beginnin' of a new era in serious southside news coverage (even once Smooth has moved on to elder statesman). Barbara Ciara, president of the National Association of Black Journalists put it best, “There is a sense of going to back to the roots of where we used to get our news. When we first learned of something that was going to happen in our community, it hit the black press long before it hit the mainstream.” No doubt. Wasn't that the main reason for the rise joints like Ebony, Jet and the Chicago Defender? Looks like yet another thing to be thankful for courtesy of Smooth Barack.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Happy 2009, Y'all!

2009-01-01T00:01:00.001-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

If you haven't guess by now, ol Ty is off on vacation with Smooth Barack in Hawaii rechargin' his batteries. My fault for not informin', y'all sooner! I figured if I did, a few of you more radical readers might try and track a brother down, hence my need for both movements on the down low *and* Secret Service protection.

Anyway, y'all I would like to take this year end opportunity to thank you for your readership and comments throughout the year. Although I blog here in the Malone Zone for fun I do like to hear the varyin' viewpoints of you Malone Zone readers so I appreciate you takin' the time to holler back with your views.

It's been quite a year. We've lived through a hair-raising presidential election with oh so satisfying results, survived the prime time debut of the Wasilla Hillbillies, Lisa Raye gettin' medieval down in Turks & Caicos, Boy King Kwame and C-Beat checkin' into the Graybar Hotel...along with OJ, Rev. J-Wright, Sister Hillary, Citizen McCain - man, time does fly y'all. 2009 looks to be interesting if for no other reason than to see how well Smooth Barack can work in the Oval Office. Let's hope it's REALLY well given the state of the country at the moment.

I should be back in regular rotation next week, y'all! In the meantime, make some meaningful new year's resolutions, be thankful for the family and friends still with you and hang on for the wild ride in 2009!

Happy New Year!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty Ain't Got No Samuel L. Jackson Spirit

2008-12-22T07:30:00.007-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I'll admit it. I'm so tired of Samuel L. Jackson's a$$ I'm thinkin' about sittin' out the upcomin' Christmas Day premiere of 'The Spirit' (in which he stars as the evil villan The Octopus) even though that's a movie that's right up my alley. That brother hasn't had a breakout role since he played 'Gator' in 'Jungle Fever'.

Okay - I'll give him a little dap for 'Pulp Fiction' but that's it, y'all. The rest of his other 400 movies have been one note performances. When's this brother gonna say 'no' to a movie script - especially those sci-fi joints? What's next Samuel L.? A remake of 2001: A Space Odessey with you as Dave Bowman?? You gonna start hollerin' and get all medieval with HAL the homicidal computer? It's time you take a seat at the back of the room and get a little more selective with your choices. At least act like you're giving other southside actors a shot at more than a minute of screen time...

A quick look at Samuel L.'s upcoming docket reveals no less than five projects in 2009 (though three are voice work projects but that's the most annoying thing about his performances - all that hollerin' and enunciating) and already one penciled in for 2010 - ol Ty's beloved 'Iron Man'. Nooooooooo - don't let that brother mess up my Iron Man 2 experience!

Now don't get me wrong, y'all. I'm all for a well spoken brother that knows how to enunciate the King's English but a little proper enunciation goes a long, long way. Take Larry Fishburne for example. That brother can enunciate with the best of them. You hear every syllable of every word. You hear every accent on every syllable. But what you don't hear (or see) is Larry's a$$ every twenty-five seconds in an upcomin' movie trailer. It's like Mama Malone always says, 'Everything in moderation' - particularly when she spots me with half the Red Velvet Cake at holiday gatherings...but I digress.

Samuel L.! Take a page from the Will Smith book of becoming a blockbuster movie star - pick two or three diverse roles each year and play the hell out of them. Keep switchin' up - action one minute, romantic comedy the next followed by a meaty family drama of some kind. Quit being a one trick pony, fast paycheck ho - your Screen Actor's Guild card ain't going run away if you take a little time off! Let folks miss you and thoughfully ask, 'Man - when's Samuel L. gonna drop another one?' instead of seein' you in every movie trailer that comes out and thoughtfully askin', 'When the hell is that brother gonna go away?'. You feel me? Don't be the southside Sarah Palin. Take a break and take that under advisement.

In the meantime, holler back if you can hook me up with Eva Mendes' digits...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Act Three: Jesse Jr. - The Federal Rat

2008-12-17T07:30:00.002-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

This one surprised even me. One minute ol Ty's gettin' ready to start fresh and move on from J-Jack, Jr.'s Chicago soap opera, the next minute CNN's reporting that homey's been a ~~rat bastard~~ confidential informant for the U.S. Attorney's office for ten years and droppin' dimes on F-Rod Blagojevich for the last two (dap to whataboutourdaughters.com for hippin' Ty to these actual factuals). Y'all know I'm playin' with that 'rat bastard' stuff. Ol Ty's been known to take in a mob flick or two and we know there's no love lost between those boys and federal informants. In this case though, this unexpected twist just might be Jr.'s road back from the wilderness....

It's interesting how the blocks seemingly keep falling together. Monday on 'Chicago Turns', ol Ty linked the fact that F-Rod mentioned he was getting 'big pressure' not to name Jr. to Smooth Barack's vacant senate seat to the fact his name got left off of Smooth's short list of 'acceptable' seat fillers. Last Friday, ol Ty mentioned that F-Rod said that he wanted some 'up-front money' as proof that 'Senate Candidate #5' would come through on a promise to raise $500,000 for his re-election campaign because he had a previous bad experience with Senate Candidate #5 not keepin' his promises when it came to contributions. Now in CNN's report they note that, 'in 2002, Blagojevich — then running for governor of Illinois — solicited a $25,000 campaign donation from Jackson, which he did not get'. Not only that but at the time of the request for 25 large, Jr.'s wife was up for the Lottery Commission Director's job - which she didn't get and the following year once F-Rod took office, he allegedly told Jr. 'You see what $25,000 would have done?' Now I don't know how they play it in other parts of the country but up in The Windy - that's a straight beat down comment with a rib kick finish.

The way this is headin' you half expect F-Rod to turn up in an ice chunk in the Chicago River very, very soon. As for Jr.? Man, this is turnin' into a straight popcorn movie, y'all. Lookin' forward to the next episode.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Jesse Jackson, Jr. To Obama: Et Tu, Smooth?

2008-12-15T07:30:00.015-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Occasionally in high school English class, ol Ty would take his mind off the honeys long enough to actually read an assignment or two. I appreciated Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar' cuz it was kinda gangster - like Nino Brown and his crew in 'New Jack City'. Ultimately, JC became a legend in his own mind and his crew stabbed his a$$ to death - includin' his boy Brutus who had been his homey from way back. As his life dripped away, JC looked over to Brutus and dropped the immortal quote, 'Et tu, Brute?', questioning how even his boy could dog him so coldly.

Now as Jesse Jackson, Jr. continues to plead for his political life and more details emerge about the events leading up to the 'Let's Make A Deal' ruckus surrounding Smooth Barack's vacant senate seat, one thing is clear: Despite J-Jack, Jr. being a co-chair of Smooth's national campaign and publically layin' out his pop for his 'off mic' comments about wantin' to cut of Smooth's testicles for talkin' down to southsiders, Smooth consipicuously left Jr.'s name off his short list of 'acceptible' candidates for his senate seat. Daaaaaang - et tu, Smooth? Et tu?...

Smooth's girl Valerie Jarrett, Smooth's Illinois protege Tammy Duckworth, Illinois Comptroller Ed Hynes, U.S. Rep Jan Schakowsky and last minute addition Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan? All on 'the list'. Where's Jr.? Left the hell out - that's where. In last Friday's post, written after my extensive analysis of the government's 78 page federal criminal compliant of governor F-Rod Blagojevich's bush league behavior, I called out the fact that F-Rod mentioned that he was getting 'big pressure' not to award the seat to Jr. My question at that time was, 'from who?' Now I'm not sayin', y'all. I'm just sayin'.

I can't quite explain the lack of J-Jack, Jr. love from Camp Obama except that maybe Smooth wasn't really quite as understanding of J-Jack, Sr.'s testicular comments as he made out to be. Could homey still be a little salty? And if so, what kind of future treatment can Governor F-Rod expect from Smooth after referrin' to him as a mother-f$%ker? Hell hath no fury like a homeboy dissed, y'all. Good luck, F-Rod.

Jr.! Maybe a well timed fruit basket would help, homey. Nothing says you care like some Fuji apples and a few easy peel clementines.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

1 Jesse Jackson Jr. = 1 Senate Candidate #5

2008-12-12T08:11:00.007-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

As I speculated in my Wednesday post on the sad shenanigans perpetrated by our Illionois Governor F-Rod Blagojevich, up and comin' Chicago congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. has been identified as the infamous 'Senate Candidate #5' - the candidate outed in the 78-page federal criminal complaint as a candidate desiring Smooth Barack Obama's vacant senate seat and seemingly willing to 'pay to play' with F-Rod by offering between $500,000 to $1 million to his re-election campaign....

Naturally, J-Jack, Jr. is vigorously defendin' his innocence and publically stated that it's an 'impossibility' that someone on his behalf could have made such an offer but you have to wonder why F-Rod and his crew would lie about the existence of that offer if they weren't aware they were being recorded by the feds? Something fishy is going on in J-Jack land which is unfortunate since ol Ty thought he was actually qualified for the vacancy on his own merits built as a congressman.

Initially it appears that F-Rod was just throwin' J-Jack's name out there to put pressure on Smooth's team to 'sweeten the pot' if they wanted to see Smooth's girl Valerie Jarrett get the seat. Later on, the F-Rod team alludes to 'evelating' the possibility of J-Jack, Jr. gettin' the seat because they think there's a possibility of gettin' some chedda 'up front'. Apparently a J-Jack, Jr. emissary said that J-Jack, Jr. could put things in place to generate the $500,000-$1million if needed. F-Rod wanted a piece of that up-front to make sure that J-Jack, Jr. followed through. Apparently, F-Rod had a previous bad experience with J-Jack, Jr. not following through on promises hence his tactic to try and get him to put some skin in the game with an up-front payment.

All this is alledged to have gone on despite the fact that F-Rod was claiming that he was getting big pressure *not* to give the seat to J-Jack, Jr. From who? I guess time will tell as this thing gets juicier by the day. What's clear in all this is that J-Jack, Jr.'s once promising political career is in serious jeopardy. It's going to be interesting to see if he can recover - and possibly just run for the seat outright in 2010, but as more details emerge that possibility seems to be gettin' dimmer by the day. Ahhh Chicago politics :-)

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

F-Rod: Illinois Goes from Obama High to New Low

2008-12-10T07:30:00.008-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - just when Illy was gettin' some positive, Smooth Barack related press along comes Rod 'Tony Soprano' Blagojevich to help it reclaim its title as one of the most policially corrupt states in the Union. You got to give it up to F(**k)-Rod - homey was swingin' for the fences behind in the count 0-2, but obviously cousin didn't watch those 'Soprano' or 'The Wire' episodes too closely or he wouldn't have been jibber-jabbering out of school over compromised phone lines.

Now instead of featherin' his post governor nest with a ton of ill-gotten paper, he'll likely be headed for a cell next to our former corrupt Governor George Ryan (unless he gets his sentence commuted by GW on his way out the door). Seems to me, now that F-Rod has established a new bottom for blatent corruption, ol Ty would have to say that won't help Ryan's case out too much. If I'd have know that Smooth's Senate seat was up for sale, I'd have tossed my hat into the ring too. I got a couple homeys who would have staked me - even have a couple suits too...

I can't believe that F-Rod was mixin' Smooth's name in all that foul language. Motherf****r this, f**k that. A potty mouth like that will fit in very nicely in federal prison - especially once Tossed Salad Man shows up with his jar of Smucker Grape Jelly. The irony is that once he goes to prison, his pardon request will have to go through Smooth. That's what writers call 'delicious irony', y'all. It doesn't get more tasty than that, but given Smooth's 'turn the other cheek, 'team of rivals'' attitude you'd have to wonder if ol boy just might consider that kind of madness. But that's Smooth. Ol Ty? F-Rod's a$$ would be on the next flight down to Guantanemo for some daily waterboarding until he could correctly answer the question, 'Who's your daddy now?' But that's just me, y'all.

Anyway, this should be some good theater watching all this play out. It must have been wild to be F-Rod yesterday - wakin' up a state governor with about 70 money making irons in the fire and going to bed last night national public enemy #1 and wishing it was Monday again. F**k that, F-Rod. Like my main man Sammy Davis, Jr. used to sing before every episode of 'Baretta' - 'Don't to the criiiiiime, if you can't do the time'. See you on Court TV, homey!

In the meantime - Jesse Jr.! You bet not be Senate Candidate #5! And there's about one guy I'd like to see as the next governor of Illinois - U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald - the last Boy Scout. All ol boy ever does is his job. Can't ask for more.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

No Cryin' For OJ, Y'all!

2008-12-08T07:30:00.007-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Here's how I see it. There are stupid brothers - Plaxico, Mike Vick, T.I., Boy King Kwame, blada, blada, blada - and then there's OJ. Two distinct events occurred on Friday after Judge Jackie 'I Don't Even Play' Glass dropped her sentence of 9-33 years in prison - northsiders, who believed they'd been short-changed after No-J's double murder trial, rejoiced that justice had finally been served and southsiders collectively scratched their heads at how one brother could be so damn stupid.

I've commented before on the night and day northside/southside reaction to No-J's double murder acquittal. It wasn't that we didn't think homey was guilty. No. Rather that inappropriately joyous reaction, in my opinion, resulted from the sudden, collective realization that even southside money could buy justice in the court system. We finally had our own southside Claus Von Bulow. Yeah - I know that's triflin' but when you've been beat down by the justice system for so long you tend to take 'em where you can get 'em...

So despite losing a multi-million dollar civil suit related to the double murders, becomin' a walking parriah and knowin' that Johnny Cochran wouldn't be comin' back from the great beyond just in case his a$$ needed savin' again, brother No-J decides that it would be a good idea to get a couple homeys and some guns and roll up into a Vegas hotel room to 'get his $hit back'. $hit that clearly must have been worth 9-33 years of his life. That's what ol Ty calls some 'Really 'Good $hit', y'all. Maybe he really believed that 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas' jibber-jabber. Or maybe he was just stupid.

I was down at Winky's Corner Store on Saturday - out front chewin' down some fruity Starburst and one of the bad neighborhood kidz named Romello asked me why I thought No-J was so stupid. 'After all', he said, 'you just can't let another homey steal your $hit without some consequences and repercussions'. I said, 'Look here Romello. No-J was a brother who liked to play with matches. Say one day he decides to go into a gasoline factory and spark off a few. Next thing he knows the factory catches fire, he's caught in a corner and the main gas tank is about to blow. He's a gonner for sure until a fireman named Johnny Cochran swings in, scoops him up and carries him up a rope and through a skylight to safety just before the whole factory blows sky high. Now if the very next day, No-J goes back into another gasoline factory and starts sparkin' off some more matches, what would you call him?'

Romelo thought about that for a few and finally said, 'Stupid'. 'Exactly', I said givin' him a dap. 'Now you're feelin' me.' Lil homey smiled and rolled out and I reached for the rest of my Starbursts only to find that his little a$$ had boosted them right out of my pocket. For a minute I thought about getting a couple of homeys together and some guns and rollin' up on his backyard treehouse to 'get my $hit back' but I ultimately ended up back in mama's basement typin' this post.

Mama Malone didn't raise no dummies, y'all...unlike Mama Simpson.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The end of Detroit's Sex Text Scandal

2008-12-03T07:30:00.005-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I dropped my 'Kwame Kilpatrick: Boy King To Do A Bid' post a little more than a year ago in the wake of Boy King's admission of guilt in the scandalous Detroit Sex Text ruckus, ol Ty speculated on the fate of his undercover lover Christine 'C-Beat' Beatty. My contention was that ol boy would leave her twistin' in the wind as he weasled the best plea deal he could get for himself. After all, undercover lovers don't really look all that good in the light of day - they're much more attractive muted in shadows and dangerous intrigue - LOL!...

Well the shoe dropped on C-Beat yesterday as she entered her own guilty plea and choked out a few heartfelt, "Mama No"s as she was ordered to read a statement aloud in the courtroom admitting her lyin', cheatin' ways. Gotta like that in the justice system. Like when they put celebrities out on the street to do menial labor for all to see (Boy George, Naomi) or publish the names of homeys caught visitin' the shortys on the stroll down on lower Wacker. It reminds me of the glossys I saw of a southside mother who made her teenage son hold a sign up on a public street declarin' that he wanted to 'go to jail to visit his daddy' after he got caught stealin. His mama pulled up a lawn chair and got her lemonade on while she sat next to him all damn day. Ahhhh - southside tough love.

Guess that approach works for grown folks too as the report says that C-Beat couldn't even get it out she was cryin' so hard. The judge had to call a brief pause for the cause but still made her do it. So ends a sad chapter in Detroit history, an era that included a political implosion, an auto industry implosion, a housing market implosion, a football team implosion and a fashion implosion brought on by those fashionably questionable short sets. Man - what a fall. From top of the world, running a major American city to straight convict #1238475, moppin' floors and hearin' whispers in the night about how 'Im a get that pretty a$$'.

Cautionary tale y'all! Kanye heard 'em say, 'Nothin's ever promised tomorrow today'. Keep ya head up, Motown! Better days are comin'.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

It Was Plaxico, In His Pants, With The Revolver

2008-12-01T07:30:00.014-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

In the perfect companion piece to my 'Was it Marvin, At The Club, With The Belgian Gun?' post - a well written summary of Indianpolis Colts wide reciever Marvin Harrison's shadowy involvement in a nightclub shooting - we now have Knucklehead #1 Plaxico Burress apparently gettin' all medieval with himself by fumblin' a gun in his pants and accidently shooting a hole in his thigh (hence the Texico The Clown glossy at right). Quit laughin', y'all - that ain't right.

Maybe Texico didn't know that every gun comes with a safety which, when engaged, will prevent your dumb a$$ from shootin' a hole in your thigh if you should fumble your gat in your pants. And maybe Texico also didn't know that in New York, if you have no permit for your gat and you carry it around all concealed like that you're lookin' at a mandatory 3 1/2 year bid. Looks like ol Ty may have to put up a new countdown clock next to Mike Vick's (y'all notice I refused to put up a T.I. count down clock least I get a silent cap popped in my a$$)....

Now callin' Texico an idiot would be unkind to the idiot. The idiot is just, well, an idiot. Texico is the idiot who just signed a $35 million dollar contract at the beginning of the season (after playin' hurt the entire '08 season and pullin' down the Superbowl winning touchdown), spent most of the season being ineffective (why not? Dude already signed the new contract), then decided that rollin' to a club with a concealed weapon and shootin' himself in the thigh was a lot better than being a starting NFL player with a $35 million dollar contract. I have to respectfully disagree. I'll admit it's a pretty tough choice but ol Ty would probably opt to get his moves on in the NFL and spend the fiddy-three mil on a world wide travelin' spree during the off-season. But that's just me. Clearly southside homeys with 'X's in their names from Norfolk prefer the late night club ruckus and bullet holes in their thighs (and, I admit, some pretty good seafood).

*Sigh* In the end, Texico couldn't even catch a gun in his pants. Looks like his last catch may be a 3 1/2 year bid. Go long, Texico! Go looooooong!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Jay-Z's Girl Out Earns Will Smith's Girl

2008-11-26T07:30:00.013-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I just threw that out there to start some ruckus, y'all. You know how competitive these celebrity couples are. You can bet your last money that they're all workin' ALL their connections deep into the night to make sure they can get the closest spot to Smooth and 'Chelle at the inauguration and you know they'll ALL be at Oprah's 'monstrous' inauguration gala (tho J's gonna have to check his two .9's and ankle knife at the door (dude - you ain't foolin' nobody with the Gucci tuxes) and Flava? Prolly his big-a$$ clock and all his teeth). But just like little kidz on the playground braggin' on their pops, celebrity husbands like to do some braggin' on their girlz - either the lastest movie/video they shot or the last plate of paper they stacked. In Beyonce's case - ol girl is getting big props on both. Forbes just tabbed J&B as the 'richest celebrity couple' clockin' their annual chedda-fest at $162 million - nearly twice the $85 million the Smith's brought home last year...

Now I ain't sayin', y'all - I'm just sayin' - is Jada even workin' or is she playin' the homemaker role? Yeah, yeah - Madagascar 2 notwithstanding ol Ty's thinkin' ol girl's not pullin' her own weight right now. Willow and Jaden's lil a$$es are big enough to be home alone while mama's out bringin' home at least $80 million. I'm sure now that the numbers are out, the Smiths will be headed to couples counseling shortly - you know Big Willie Style hates to be Number 2, especially when he keeps seein' Bey's new 'Single Ladies' video. The homeys have that one in heavy rotation. Man - Bey even has her own Youtube channel - what's Jada bringin' to the table besides two precocious kidz?

Forbes put the Jay-Z/Bey loot at pretty much fiddy/fiddy with J bringin' $82 million to the table (how the hell is hip-hop still so lucrative?) against Bey's $80 million. Man with that kinda money, I bet ol girl still looks good with curlers, green face cream *and* her mama sittin' next to her. Just playin', y'all.

Anyway, now that the pressure's on, you gotta know Jada's gonna be tryin' to up her $5 million take next year. Maybe if she throws in a part-time Avon or Amway gig - like mama tried to hook me up with - that would at least help her jack that up by two or three hundred. Yo Jada - holler if you want the Amway kit - ol Ty still has a few extras...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Smooth Documentary Already Lined Up

2008-11-24T07:30:00.003-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I have to admit that ol Ty is a sucker for historical documentaries so I was happy to hear that HBO recently struck a deal with Class 5 Films (Edward Norton's production company) to air their Smooth Barack documentary in Spring '09.

I've always been a fan of Edward Norton's in front of the screen work (Primal Fear remains in my Ty's Top Ten Movies list) but I also have to give him serious behind the screen props for having the foresight to lock down permission from the Smooth camp for 2 1/2 years of '"unprecedented" access to the candidate, his family, friends and campaign volunteers'. The cameras started rolling before Smooth's Springfield presidential announcement and kept rolling right through the election. It should be good stuff, but I'm wondering how noted southside actors and directors got caught flat-footed on this one? Spike? Denzel? Oprah? Will? I know y'all really don't need any more paper, but E-Norton did score a seven figure deal with HBO for thinking ahead. Not to mention ol boy was savvy enough to use the same cat - Sam Pollard - who edited Spike's own groundbreaking Katrina documentary, 'When The Levees Broke'. Dang, Spike! As NS Shorty is known to say, 'ooooo, ouch'...

But ol Ty ain't takin' nothing away from fast Eddie - the early bird gets the worm and I'm just happy that someone had the good sense to keep the cameras rolling on this history making run. Now hopefully, some new crew (or the same crew) will keep the cameras rolling for all that good behind-the-scenes footage that just keeps getting better with age. I just caught a documentary of the Kennedy days in office just a couple weeks ago and it's amazing the things you learn when you get an inside look at just how things were going down. Very cool.

At some point though, I'm expecting Will Smith to follow through on Smooth's notion of Big Willy Style playing the President-Elect in a future bio-pic. I expect his Overbrook Production company is already working behind the scenes to secure those rights. Now I'm just wondering who they would cast as 'Chelle? Any thoughts, y'all?

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

House Negro? It's On Like Hot Buttered Popcorn

2008-11-20T07:30:00.007-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - today's the beginning of the end of Al Qaeda now that AQ #2, Ayman al-Zawahri found it necessary to go all pre-reconstruction on President-Elect Smooth by dippin' into the Dixie dictionary and pullin' out 'House Negro'. What's homey know about 'House Negros' anyway? That's a term that supposed to stay in the fam. My cousin Rock-Mart can break that out on me or vice versa because we're both in the same fam - but a 3rd party? 'Specially a 3rd party livin' in a cave on the Afghan/Pakistan border? That's what the homeys from the hood fondly call 'talkin' out of school', an act worthy of a man-sized beat down even if you do try to clean it up by invoking the memory of brother Malcolm. Ain't no cleanin' up that ruckus.

The good news is that the 'House Negro' will soon be given the keys to The Big House and all the perks that come along with it. That would include tactical nuclear weapons, Predator unmanned aircraft, cruise missiles, smart bombs, bunker buster bombs and a host of other tools designed for cleaning out even the most well decorated caves.

That stuff is moot though now that AQ #2 decided to go all 'House Negro'. Word on the street is that the homeys are already on their way to the Afghan/Pakistani border flush with some .9mms, brass knuckles and a few socks filled with quarters. I give them a week before a new video surfaces with the homeys cold chillin' in the Al Qaeda cave with AQ #2 servin' up Hypnotiq and rib-tip sandwiches.

AQ #2! Homeys don't play that!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ebony Magazine asks 'How You Like Me Now?'

2008-11-17T07:30:00.008-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

If you grew up in the Southside Nation or had a couple southside friends that you would holler at over at their crib, you no doubt saw either a copy of Ebony magazine, Jet Magazine or both splayed over the coffee table. Since Ebony debuted in 1942 as the more obviously titled 'Negro Digest', it became a southside staple by being pretty much the only large circulation magazine that profiled southside movers and shakers (celebrities, politicians, athletes, etc.) during a time that nearly all of the mainstream magazines chose not too. It was our 'separate but equal' People magazine and though now, southside folk appear in all manner of mainstream magazines, both Ebony and Jet maintain a genuine fondness in southsiders' hearts. So ol Ty was happy to hear that when it came time for Smooth Barack and 'Chelle to choose a magazine to give their first post election magazine interview and photo shoot to, they chose Chicago based Ebony magazine...

If I didn't know before (which I did, y'all) that Smooth and 'Chelle were going to be far from your ordinary First Family, I just checked out their 60 Minutes interview and as a couple, those two are typical - jokin', takin' sly digs and being imminently appreciative of the other. By choosing Ebony over any other of the hundreds of 'mainstream' magazines vying for the honor, they send yet another signal that this isn't going to be business as usual, y'all. Change has come to America any time a first time interview with Smooth and 'Chelle can be one page away from the latest on Jay-Z and Be's business or Ebony's advice columnist breakin' the sad news to Roshanda that her baby's daddy is likely already kickin' it with his other baby's mama.

Anyway - big basement props to Mr. & Mrs. Smooth for keepin' it real.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

P.S. Yo Ebony subscription department! My bad! Ol Ty's check is in the mail...

Biggest Climate Threat? Kanye West

2008-11-14T07:30:00.006-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I have to admit that I've known some braggadocios brothers in my checkered past - Ali, Mike Tyson, Fiddy, all my homeys at Ray's Barbershop but all those brothers pale in comparison to the incomparable, high capacity carbon dioxide exhaust system known as Kanye West. You would think that after recent life events that this brother would take a pause for the cause and reassess just what's important in life. Here's a hint 'Ye - it ain't you..

You know how it is when you can take something good and turn it really, really bad? Like tiltin' back thirty Pixie Sticks in an hour and hurling for the rest of the night. Like forcin' down that thirteenth slice of pepperoni, sausage, mushroom, pineapple pizza and hurlin' for the rest of the night. Like drinkin' your way to the bottom of seven pitchers of beer and hurling for the rest of the night. That's Kanye when it comes to self confidence. He's turned that positive trait into a sad, twisted, unrecognizable parody of itself. K-West's latest bit of self aggrandizement came during a London interview where Kanye proclaimed himself, 'The voice of this generation'. In his estimatation when all is said and done, his voice will have been the loudest. Hmmm...it sure won't be the humblest.

I don't know. Maybe I'm lookin' at this climate thing with Kanye all wrong, y'all. You know I'm one to always try and turn a negative into a positive so I plan to petition Gov. Schwarzenegger to chain that brother up on a hill in Cali so he can power one of those wind turbine farms. I'm figuring that he could power most of the Bay area for the next ten years...twenty if he gets dissed on the Grammys again.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

What's Wrong With My Code Names?

2008-11-12T06:55:00.008-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I had to note with a little saltiness that the Secret Service went ahead and dismissed my suggestions for Obama family code names and decided to use their own. I'll refrain from citing this as a return to politics as usual since they also rejected my suggestion for GW's code name when he came to office back in 2000. At that time, I quietly rolled by the Treasury Department and dropped my suggestion into their Presidential Code Name suggestion box. My choice was 'Doofus' but they went with 'Tumbler' - a code name I thought had already gone to former President Gerald Ford (Passkey) because his clumsy a$$ kept fallin' down. But then GW did bust is a$$ a few times, first falling off a Segway and then falling off his mountain bike so I decided to give the Secret Service the benefit of the doubt...

So instead of Smooth, 'Chelle, Lil 'Chelle (Malia) and Cool Breeze (Sasha) those boys took the easy way out by throwing a dictionary at the wall and turning it over to the 'R' section to pull out the bogus 'Renegade', 'Renaissance', 'Radiance' and 'Rosebud'. Oh the indignity! They must have forgotten how much ol Ty contributed to the campaign or directly influenced the electoral outcome with his timely and insightful postings during the heat of the campaign. What's the world coming to when a brother can't even call in a favor like being able to bestow the family code names? I'm disillusioned, y'all, but before I throw in the towel and accept this uncalled for dissin', I'm going try one last time.

I'm on hold right now with the Secret Service command center with my code name suggestion for Smooth's mother-in-law, who's coming to D.C. to help out with Lil 'Chelle and Cool Breeze. Matter of fact, this suggestion came by way of Smooth while we were talkin' national strategy last night between Sports Center highlights. When I asked him how he felt about the fact that his mother-in-law would be hanging around 24/7 which meant he and 'Chelle couldn't be runnin' around the White House naked when they felt like it once the girls went to bed, he summed it up in two words - 'Bad News'.

Ahhh, I can hear it now, y'all. Secret Service agents whisperin' into their little mics - 'Bad Newz is on the move' or 'Bad Newz' is in the White House, repeat, Bad Newz is in the White House'. It's perfect. Now let these fools go another way on that one and ol Ty's gonna know somethin'.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Camelot Gives Way to Mixalot

2008-11-10T07:30:00.005-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

There have been a lot of comparisons between Smooth Barack and John Kennedy flyin' around based on their youth coming into office, the torch passin' to a new generation, being fathers to young children movin' into the White House, a well dressed, pearl wearin' wife and the list goes on. All my homeys are already talkin' about finally takin' down Kennedy's picture (you know the one that's always hangin' next to the picture of Jesus) and now going with the trio of MLK, Smooth Barack and Jesus. And as the Kennedy picture finally gives way to Smooth Barack, ol Ty is thinkin' that Camelot - the term used to describe the Kennedy years in office - will now give way to the more appropriate term Mixalot for the Smooth years....

Now I don't want any comments about the source of the term 'Mixalot' - far as I know, Anthony 'Sir Mixalot' Ray didn't trademark the term so ol Ty is co-opting it since it conveys just the theme I'm lookin' for the rep the Smooth Administration - inclusive, diverse, and poppin' with a little flava (gotta like the notion of the tired White House bowling alley givin' way to an indoor basketball court to help the entire staff keep the weight off...plus Smooth can't eeeeven bowl). They're gonna be mixin' a lot of that together, y'all. And if I may add (albeit quite inappropriately), 'Baby Got Back' does fit our future First Lady - another historic first, y'all. 'Chelle - I ain't sayin', I'm just sayin', homegirl. It's all good.

So, y'all heard it hear first. When you see the Mixalot term gettin' picked up by CNN, HuffPo and Politico - remember who dropped it first. Personally, I'm lookin' forward to settlin' in and enjoyin' the next eight years of Mixalot. American definitely headed in the right direction but a little additional mixin' never hurt anybody.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Republicans Get Their Bitter On

2008-11-07T07:30:00.006-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

You only had to watch the Citizen McCain concession speech and the Smooth Barack acceptance speech to realize that Republicans are some small, petty, bitter a$$ folk. At the mention of Smooth's name Tuesday night, the McCain faithful immediately broke out the boos and needed to be quieted by Citzen like a daddy talkin' to his ill-behaved child. Contrast that ruckus to Smooth Barack mentionin' Citizen's name (to a crowd over 200,000 strong). No boos, just a smattering of applause and a disciplined adherance to that adage we all learned in kindergarten - 'If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing'. Smooth's 'bitter' comment was correct, y'all. It was just applied to the wrong segment of society. That segment is clearly the hard core Republican base. Ill mannered, ill behaved - truthfully that crew is just straight ill...

And those boos? That was the chariable stuff spewin' out of the red camp. Lately I've heard the conservative talkin' heads tryin' to excuse, or in some cases challenge the veracity of, all the hate talk buzzin' in those Say-Pay rallies during the closing days of the campaign. You know the ones. The ones where fools in the crowd were hollering 'Terrorist', 'Kill him' and all other crazy a$$ things at the mention of Smooth's name. Say-Pay didn't try to curb the crowd's hooligan behavior - instead she did her best to feed it. At every rally she stepped her 'Wasilla Hillbilly' behind into, she catered to the basest emotions of supporters who were obviously low brow troglodytes. Now the details are in on just how dangerous that tomfoolery was. Newsweek's behind the scenes report revealed that:

"The Obama campaign was provided with reports from the Secret Service showing a sharp and very disturbing increase in threats to Obama in September and early October, at the same time that the crowds at Palin rallies became more frenzied. Michelle Obama was shaken by the vituperative crowds and the hot rhetoric from the GOP candidates. 'Why would they try to make people hate us?' Michelle Obama said to a top campaign aide"

Exactly, 'Chelle. Why would they try to make people hate you? And just why, despite such dangerous and reckless behavior, does Say-Pay even remain popular among anybody? In my view, you're a reflection of the company you keep so what's that say about Say-Pay? Here's what ol Ty has to say - SEE YA, Elle May! Your exit from the public stage came about two months too late.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

P.S. And while I'm bashin' yo a$$ Say-Pay - thanks alot for the stock market drop yesterday! ABC News reported that retail sales were the lowest since 1969. Big losers? Saks down 16.6 % and Nordstrom down 15.7%. Dang, homegirl! This is not the time to stop buying clothes with other peoples' money!

Hail To The Smooth!

2008-11-04T21:29:00.010-06:00

Wassup, Y'all!

If you've been missin' ol Ty the past few days it's because I've been pretty much paralyzed with nervousnous over the shrinkin' poll numbers in some key battleground states. Even tonight - early on - watching the returns come in I could barely stand to watch. Then came Pennsylvania and Ohio and New Mexico and the dawnin' realization that at that point, there was really no way Citizen McCain and Say Pay could win. After doing the happy dance with my girl and puttin' in a call to mama to hear her say once again that she thought she'd never see the day. Yeah - ol girl was a little emotional as was her baby boy who is absorbing just how big Smooth Barack's presidential win is. To call it a seismic shift in the country would be greatly underestimating the case.

It's been a long haul, y'all. A loooong haul. I wrote my 'The Barack-Star U.S. Tour Begins...' back in February '07 when Smooth officially kicked off his presidential bid in Springfield. In actuality his campaign had been running since his keynote speech at the '04 Democratic convention. He survived it all, y'all. Rev J-Wright, Bill Ayers, Bitter-Gate, Joe The Plumber - all of it. That says a lot about the character of the nation and hopefully it will mean the gradual demise of the politics of hate and division as we've known it. Nothing stuck. Smooth transcended it all and now moves on to the hard work of putting it all back together again.

I'm looking forward to that process as well - it should be fascinating to see if his administration matches the historical prowess of his campaign operation and there's no reason to think that it won't. BIG kudos to his low-key master planners David Axelrod and David Plouffe who helped craft The Plan and stick to it with scrupulous discipline. Those cats have an open invitation to the basement anytime they want.

I have to admit I'm high on emotion and short on words at the moment. I'll have more to say about it - believe that, but for now let me just say that it's truly a great, great night.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Smooth Barack Rests His Case

2008-10-30T07:30:00.005-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Damn. If you're Citizen McCain or his running mate silly Say-Pay that's pretty much all you could say in response to Smooth's 30 minute, prime time summation of his presidential campaign. Yeah, Citizen was wolfin' earlier in the day callin' it a coronation speech, a planned interruption of World Series coverage, blahda, blahda, blahda. All that was what Ol Ty and his crew call 'hatin'' in the hood. Straight hatin' - cuz any politician worth his salt would sell all his children, his wife *and* his mama to get that type of uninterrupted moment to state his case directly to the American people with the help of tight, highly polished production techniques...

Smooth had it all clickin', y'all. Touching vignettes of strugglin' middle-class families, outtakes of the most electric moments of his past speeches, American flags, amber waves of grain, his mingling with people from all classes and ethnicities on the campaign trail, small crowds, insanely huge crowds - every aspect that stirs emotion in any heart not made of stone or pumping conservative blood. Say what you want about Smooth and his crew, but they know their business and crafted a master campaign plan that will be *the* model to follow for elections to come.

It was a closing summation worthy of Perry Mason...or Johnny Cochran - 'If your opponent is old, you must be bold'. It was the perfect way to rest his case for the presidency. Put that up against Citizen's last best hope - non-stop mudslinging with nary a reference back to his own plans for America. Hope vs. Cynicism. Unity vs. Division. Thoughtful Deliberation vs. Shoot From The ~~Lip~~ Hip. Cool Hand Luke vs. Uncle Fester. Damn. This joint shouldn't even be close.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Boy King Kwame's New Throne

2008-10-29T07:30:00.009-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

If you look hard in the lower right hand corner of the glossy on the right, you'll see the 'throne' Boy King Kwame Kilpatrick will be shi...sittin' on for the next four months as he takes up residence in jail cell 14J-4 in the Wayne County jail. Just a small token of appreciation handed down to Boy King for perjuring himself, embarassing the city of Detroit and costing it $14 million in legal settlements and court costs. LOL!...

Despite the spartan digs, it seems that due to Boy King's notoriety, he'll be gettin' the 'good cell' at County which is more spacious than normal cells (twice the size) and has an attached shower to keep Boy King from havin' to worry about bendin' over after droppin his soap. Also, since he'll be segregated from gen pop it seems that even a night time visit from Tossed Salad Man is out of the question. Yet, Wayne County Sheriff Warren Evans said that Boy King 'will be treated like any other prisoner'. Ol Ty would have to respectfully disagree. Put his big a$$ in gen pop! At 6'4" you figure homey can take care of himself...unless he's soft.

Anyway, in Boy King's new digs, there's a little mirror that previous cell tenants have used to mark their passing. Most just left their tags or nicknames - such incarcerated luminaries as Bam-Bam, Repo, Little Dee and Crew Dad (what happened to Ray-Ray or Lump Nasty? I know those brothers got cycled through there at some point too!). But it seems one brother got a little introspective during his time in 14J-4 and scrawled a single word that encourages us to do the one thing we need to do to ensure that Boy King will just fade away when he gets sprung around Groundhogs Day '09. It said simply, 'Pray'.

Amen, my brother. Amen.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The High Tech Candidate Goes Virtual

2008-10-23T07:30:00.005-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm sure a few of you regular readers, after enjoying (or suffering through) my endless post on Smooth Barack Obama, have asked yourselves, 'Just what is it that really makes Ty appreciate Smooth so much?' Is it his dazzling oratorical skillz? His calm, deliberate judgement? His ability to assemble a peerless political team? Put together a ground organization unrivaled in scope and operation in the history of politics? Raise more funds than all the political candidates in 2000 combined? His goal of uniting the country by emphasizing our common goals and ideals? His background in Constitutional law? That he's a family man? A man with a world view? A brother who's as comfortable eating cavier at a $3,000 a plate northside dinner as he is chowin' down greens and a slice of sweet potato pie with the homeys at a southside family BBQ? Naaaah, bump all that noise. All that jibber-jabber is just icing on the cake. The real quality that sold Ol Ty on Smooth Barack was his early and continued adoption of current technology into his campaign. I'll admit it - I'm a guy and when it comes to tech, Smooth had me at SMS...

From jump homey's website leveraged every social network out there - MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn. You could keep up with his campaign's every move by registering for his tweets at Twitter. You could use his own campaign website to set up your own social network, blog about your experiences as a foot soldier in the revolution, register for email alerts or, better yet, just get them via a RSS feed. When he announced Smokin' Joe Biden as his running mate, did you have to wait for the web or news outlets to break the news? Naahhh - that's old school, cousin. Smooth let you use your cell phone to register for a SMS message to hit you back at the appointed hour. My joint came in at about 2:00 in the morning and the only problem was my girl thinkin' it was Big Booty Julie chirpin' in for a booty call. That nonsense aside - it was just straight cool.

Now, not satisfied to rest on his high tech laurels, Smooth is droppin' the hammer in the final days of the campaign by going virtual and putting up campaign advertising in video games. That's some crafty $hit, y'all. From jump, younger voters have been the key to his ground game and he's reached out to them in every way they communicate. Could you see Citizen McCain even knowing what a video game or Twitter Tweet was? Me neither. Yet if you boot up a copy of EA's Burnout: Paradise, slip into a tight ride and hit the road, you'll be treated to a virtual billboard sporting Smooth's message to get out and vote. Strap on a helmet in Madden '09 and you'll see a similar message in the stadium advertising. I repeat - that's some crafty $hit, y'all. Look up 'innovative' on Wikipedia and you'll find Smooth's face right there (as soon as I edit that bad boy...).

Given all that, a brother has to hope that Smooth also has his tech team out monitoring these polling precincts and high tech voting booths up until election day - can't image he won't . Maaa fact he'll probably have the election day joint hooked up so once you cast your vote for him, you can use the screen to play a game of Madden for twenty minutes. Don't hate the player, hate the game, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Jon Burge: Didn't See It Coming Did You?

2008-10-22T07:12:00.007-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

A couple years ago, I dropped my 'Sweet Home Chicago' post lamenting the fact that former Chicago Police Commander Jon Burge was cold chillin' in Florida in cushy retirement still cashin' his retirement checks. Why was Ol Ty hatin' on homey? Only because he presided over a systematic program of suspect beatings and tortures that had finally come to light after years of suspects claiming such abuses. A final investigation proved the charges but, due to the statute of limitations, it came years too late to do anything about it...or so everyone thought until yesterday...

U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald (who has my vote for the next U.S. Attorney General - ol boy is *always* doing top quality work) decided to take the 'Al Capone' approach to Burge. Y'all old time Chicago folk will remember that Big Al got sent to Alcatraz not for his gangland murder and mayhem shenanigans but for tax evasion. The thinking was that it didn't matter what Big Al did a bid for as long as he did a bid. Same story for Cattle Prod Jon. Pat Fitz is bringing perjury and obstruction of justice charges against his 60 year old a$$, charging that since the torture allegations have been proven, his former statements claiming otherwise now put him in legal jeopardy. You gotta love that angle.

So Cattle Prod found his limping butt back in Chicago taking a perp walk and getting the booking he so richly deserved. Of course Cattle Prod trying to play the 'old, harmless guy' role, saying to the press outside after his arrest and booking, 'I'm old. I'm hurting. Please leave me alone'. Wow - HE'S HURTING. That's rich. Poor Cattle Prod. Your hurting has hopefully just started homey. Tossed Salad Man! Order coming up on Table Two! Hopefully these charges will stick and Cattle Prod will get the full 20 year bid he deserves. While savoring pictures of that kind of delayed justice, take a peek at what other Chicago folk think about this happy turn of events.

Oh happy day, y'all. Oh happy day.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty Gets His Vote On

2008-10-21T07:08:00.010-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Guess who's back? I had a hall pass for the last week (again rippin' and runnin'), y'all so don't hate on a brother. Well it's T-14 until E-Day and I'm happy to report that Ol Ty dropped his vote off yesterday. I'm here to tell you that voting (at least where I'm at) is a high tech affair now. No butterfly ballots, hole punchers or pregnant chads up in this piece. No - instead Ol Ty was treated to a customize keycard and a slick touch screen in the voting ~~booth~~ kiosk. Man - is everything a kiosk these days? You can get money, rent DVDs, process pictures, whatever. I was in the airport recently and saw an Apple vending machine that was selling iPods. Anyway - my vote is locked and loaded, y'all. I was happy to see that on my electronic ballot, Smooth Barack and Smokin' Joe were listed at the top, followed by Cynthia McKinney of the Green Party, *then* Citizen McCain and Say-Pay. Dang, Citizen! That's no respect slottin' you third behind the GREEN PARTY CANDIDATE!...

Yesterday it was pouring down raining and more than two weeks before the election, yet the voting room was packed, y'all. With that kind of action you have to know that November 4th is gonna be crazy so you might want to think about runnin' your butt down to the precinct now and gettin' your vote in if you're in an early voting state. I'm checking the pictures coming in from Florida early voting and see a couple homeys in doo rags makin' their way in to vote. Man, you know if the doo rag homeys are finding time to vote our folks are motivated, y'all. Get your early vote on, y'all. Like Smooth says - you never know what might happen to you on election day, flat tire, engine won't turn over, sheriff arrives to enforce a foreclosure, whatever. Y'all know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Now before I go, I'd be remiss if I didn't give a posthumous shoutout to blaxploitation star, bawdy comedian and prototype pimp Rudy Ray Moore aka 'Dolomite' who passed away on Sunday. Y'all young biddy boppers out there may not remember Ru-Ray but just know that Snoop Dogg stole his whole 'pimp' persona from homeboy so everytime you see Snoop rockin' the look, give a nod to brother Ru-Ray. Everytime you crack up to The Boondocks' pimp 'A Pimp Named Slickback', give a nod to brother Ru-Ray. Everytime you find yourself at the barbershop gettin' your laugh on at the nonsense the brothers are spoutin', remember brother Ru-Ray who said that he developed his unique comedic style by 'sitting outside joints "drinking beer and lying and talking [$hit]." That brother raised talkin' $hit to a rare artform. Rest in Peace, my brother!

Man - I never thought I'd see the day that Ol Ty would put Smooth Barack and bawdy a$$ Ru-Ray in the *same* post. My bad Smooth!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty PSA: Beware the Nov 4th Surprise

2008-10-14T07:33:00.007-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Let's face it. The poll numbers look good, 'cautious optimism' is the phrase of the day and on 'last debate eve' everyone is still wondering if there will be an 'October Surprise' - an incident big enough to shift the election sentiment back toward Citizen McCain. Well Ol Ty says bump that October Surprise ruckus! After Election 1.0 (2000) and Election 2.0 (2004) voting irregularities, I'm worried about a November 4th, Election 3.0 surprise. In previous postings Ol Ty has pointed out impending Republican hatched shenanigans in the form of election day voter challenges based on foreclosed home lists, trickeration of older, lower income voters, blahda, blahda, blahda..

The good news is that early voting has kicked off in many states (including Illinois) so if you happen to be in one of those states, Ol Ty's advice is to get your vote in now before any okey-dokes can get put in place for 11/04. But if you insist on voting on Election Day, watch this instructional voting video and make sure this doesn't happen to you.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Drop Squad Call: Professional Southside Athletes

2008-10-13T09:19:00.007-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I know y'all have been lookin' for a brother - my fault on that. Ol Ty had a couple welcomed crumb snatchers underfoot for few and I definitely have to give up to all y'all parents out there - daaaaaaaang! Anyway, my normal Sunday ritual is to OD on football. Yes, y'all - ol Ty is a BIG football fan, but I had to admit that after readin' an article in USA Today a couple days ago that featured quotes from a number of southside NFL players sayin' that they were 'conflicted' on who to vote for in the presidential election, I had to look at those numb skulls through a new set of kool-aid glasses.

You have to figure that 9/10 of these conflicted brothers come from middle to lower class backgrounds - precisely the demographic that would benefit most from a Smooth Barack Administration, but now because they're makin', 'Repubican money', suddenly they're 'conflicted' on who to vote for. What kind of bush league, self-centered bull$hit is this??....

Y'all can read this tomfoolery for yourselves and hopefully it will make you as mad as it did me. Maybe I'm reading this from the wrong side, but Ol Ty agrees with Smokin' Joe Biden's contention that those with more should shoulder more of the burden to help provide for those who have less and are tryin' to make their way into the 'have more' camp. You can even make an argument that it's the 'patriotic' thing to do - helpin' to keep the fabric of the country strong. Isn't it inscribed on the Statue of Liberty to, 'Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free'?

Let me break this down another way, particularly since our professional athletic homeys are so well paid (and we all know it not just the NFL homeys poppin' this ridiculous yang):

Let's say Joe Rag makes $1 and needs to get a double cheeseburger from McDonald's $1 menu to feed he and his young son. Let's also say that Joe Pro makes $12 and needs to get a dozen double cheeseburgers cuz he knows he'll be hungry on the drive home from the stadium. Before they get into McDonald's to order, Tax Man shows up and demands his cut. Under Smooth's tax plan, Joe Rag won't be affected so he can get his burger and he and his son can split it before they have to sign into the homeless shelter that night. Joe Pro, on the other hand, will feel a bit of tax bite that will cause him to only be able to get 10 double cheeseburgers instead of 12. Sure he'll be a little more hungry on the drive home, but he still gets a good meal. Flip the script and use the Citizen McCain tax plan and Joe Rag goes without his burger and Joe Pro gets 14 burgers instead of 12. Do you really need to think about this?

I could more so understand that 'Republican Money' argument from the folks making a little over $250,000 than I can from anyone making more than $5+ million a year. Now, there could be a little bit of hater-ness mixed up in this post since Ol Ty isn't makin' that kind of paper, but I'd like to think that if I was, I'd remember my humble beginnings enough to 'share the wealth'. It's not like 98% of these boyz come from 'old money' - they're all new jack millionaires so their memories of humble beginnings are less than a generation away. They ain't no Rockefellers or Carnegies or Waltons or Buffets!! So here's Ty's advice to those southside professional athletes still on the fence 22 damn days out from the election: Get your minds right and start thinking bigger than yourselves....and hook Ol Ty up with a couple pair of those Air Force Ones with the red stripe. You don't need 12 pairs of those joints either!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Debate II: Where My Money At?

2008-10-08T08:38:00.014-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Wyclef Jean couldn't have summed up Debate II any better. If Citizen McCain thought he would be able to seize the high ground or turn the debate away from his weak suit - the economy - he should have had Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh set it up. Since that didn't happen and the debate format featured real questions from real American citizens they mostly wanted to know the candidates plans for putting some of that $2 TRILLION of paper lost in American retirement accounts over the last 15 months back in their pockets. Let's face it - folks are scared and rightly so. Ol Ty's become increasingly concerned that mama's 401(k) won't be enough to support us both as she enters her golden years and I ain't feelin' moving up out this basement. That's right, y'all - even ol Ty is feelin' the economic pinch....

So clearly the slash and burn approach that McCain/Palin hopes will bring them back from the brink isn't gaining any traction as family after family checks in on their 401(k) and requires two hits from a defibrillator to get back up off the floor. Given that level of personal involvement in the economic crisis, who the hell cares about Bill Ayers, Rev. J-Wright or even OJ? How 'bout you, Joe Six-Pack? No? You don't even have enough money left over for a six-pack now, do you? Hockey Moms - how y'all feelin'? What? Can't even afford lipstick so now y'all really do look like pitbulls? That's jacked up.

So if this duplicitous line of attack isn't really going to shift the momentum back to the Dark Side, what other purpose can it possibly serve? How about to harden the hearts and minds of people already in the Citizen McCain / Say 'Hachet' Pay camp. If initial reports of their behavior at rallies is in any way accurate, some of those folks have some serious problems. Knowing that their campaign rhetoric is inciting this type of anti-social behavior, if they should continue to encourage it, what does that say about their real morals and values? Certainly they wouldn't be worthy of any type of office, let alone the highest office in the nation. We'll see if they remain committed to this dubious strategy of character assassination.

My take on the debate is that 1) Citizen McCain clearly does like that format and seemed a little less 'Uncle Fester'-like but essentially remained Uncle Fester. Smooth Barack again looked Smooth and, in a nice trend, no longer suffers fools gladly and is now quick to call out Citizen on his jumbling of facts on his plans and motives. Ol Ty definitely isn't diggin' this perceived lack of respect (real or imagined - I'm thinkin' it's real) that Citizen has for Smooth. Is that the type of 'steady hand' you want at the tiller? A mean, grudgeful a$$ who gets cranky and disrespectful when things don't go his way? As my niece is known to frequently say to silly questions with obvious answers, 'Uh no'. I'm with you on that one, niecey.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Empress Palin has no clothes - Part II: Lizzie Borden

2008-10-06T08:39:00.009-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Back in the basement *still* scratchin' my head over the Say-Pay debate reviews. Before I hit that again, let me do a quick aside Fred Sanford style: 'OJ! You big dummy! See you when I see you.'

Okay. Here it is, four days after the debate (and another hilarious send up of Say-Pay's performance on SNL) and a plurality of pundits continue to say how homegirl, 'held her own', 'exceeded expectations', 'gave the ticket an infusion of enthusiasm', bladda, bladda, bladda. Here's my take on that nonsense: The media has a vested interest in keeping this thing close and interesting. If they had all come out and voiced their real reaction to her ridiculous debate performance like old school Carl Bernstein, there'd be no drama left to keep viewers and readers rivited to the race. It's not reality, y'all - it's business.

So now, as I noted in my Thursday (10/2) post, comes the Kitchen Sink approach from the fading Republican ticket. Anything is now fair game and in subsequent days Say-Pay has been on the stump, rehasing old news, "callin' out" Smooth Barack on his associations with William Ayers and now Rev. J-Wright. To show just how potato-ey her head is, ol girl had the nerve to say this about the Smooth / Rev. J-Wright relationship, 'To tell you the truth, Bill [Kristol], I don't know why that association isn't discussed more'.

Where's this chick been? Did she miss the entire Democratic Primary? See what happens when you're out shooting wolves from helicopters, on the tundra field dressin' mooses and waiting for your husband to get back from snow mobile racing so you can sit your 17 year old daughter down to talk about the value of abstinence? I know Alaska is not part of the 'lower 48' but I'm pretty sure they get radio and TV uppair. How'd homegirl miss the coverage? She's now gone from 'outsider' to 'maverick' to Citizen McCain's personal 'Lizzie Borden' (the early American OJ). Ol girl's got the axe and is steppin up to take her whacks - all this from a simple 'hockey mom'. I heard about the lipstick. I must have missed the part about the axe. How's that for 'small town values'?

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Empress Palin has no clothes - Part I

2008-10-03T10:33:00.006-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm under the gun, y'all so I can't address this topic with my normal thoroughness but I *had* to drop a quick holler about last night's debate and the head scratchin' reaction I'm hearing and reading about. Sarah Palin sounded like a goof last night. I thought so, my diverse crew thought so but what are a lot of the pundits saying? George Stephanopoulos said she brought her 'A' game! Maybe for the vice presidency of the Wasilla High student Council. What's ol girl's B game look like??

For now let me just drop this one review from Politico that pretty much sums up the view I had. Man, it's like we're living in an alternate universe or something. I still maintain that you could have put a potato on Say-Pay's lecturn, left her at home and still had the same debate. That moose don't graze.

Back on Monday, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The Endorsement: Ty Forgives The New Yorker

2008-10-03T07:30:00.004-05:00

Wassup, Y'all!

Now this is how an endorsement should be written. Daaaaaamn. Ok, New Yorker - after that bogus Obama cover ol Ty has to admit you came back strong. Drinks on me when you hit the Chi'.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone