8 Is the Loneliest Number

Wassup, Y'all!

That's right - Kobe Bryant's #8 Jersey has replaced one as the loneliest number. In fact, Kobe's whack jersey has fallen out of the top fiddy and the consensus seems to be that the extracurricular particulars up in Colorado had little to do with the drop...

Naw y'all, it seems Kobe's jersey is taking the fall due to his owners foolishness on the court. To wit, being a crybaby, backstabbing, loose lipped, championship team busting type of guy. All you have to do is check the NBA standings to see whether Shaq or Kobe was more responsible for the Lakers championship run. It ain't rocket science, y'all.

A close inspection of the action at the Mercedes Championship at Kapalua is revealing the fact that Vijay Singh ain't quite ready to stop faking the funk as golf's #1. Tiger, Tiger Woods y'all is hanging but it seems Vijay is ripe for a Tanya Harding style assault in the clubhouse. Who said golf clubs could only be used on the course? Whyyyyyy, whyyyyyy?

Holy bite sized whiskers, Rat Man! Do we have to drink that? How many times are we going to have to suffer through these knuckleheads who get sick or outraged by something on TV? Now we have a buster trying to sue NBC for a Fear Factor episode that showed contestants chowing down rat smoothies. Come on now! First, if you willingly tune into Fear Factor you already know you're in for some nasty stunts. In fact, you have to wonder how that crew even finds people to participate when the top prize is only fifty large ($50,000 for y'all north of Chicago's South Side). Do you really want to be on TV that bad? How come nobody tried to sue all those entertainment shows when they pasted the following glossy of Anna Nichole and her late husband all over the airwaves?


Yikes!
Know what I'm saying? Now that's nasty. Dude, pass me a rat smoothie to get this nasty taste out my mouth! Hey - no lawsuits, y'all. I'm just illustrating a point and besides, y'all know I ain't got no $2.5 million living up in my mama's basement...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

P.S. For my regular readers who are used to superlative glossies in this column - my bad!

Seal Swings for the fences

Wassup, Y'all!

I know sisters all over Britain have their knickers in a twist now that Victoria's Secret model Heidi Klum has snuck over the border in a daring midnight raid and made off with Nigerian UK crooner Seal...or is that the other way 'round, Guv'na?

Now before I get into the actual factuals, a couple glossies are required for reference:


Heidi Klum


Luckiest Man Alive
Okay, now that we're all centered, what's this all about? Just like those long tailed comets that buzz by the earth every so often, stunning matches like this pop up periodically. Lyle Lovett & Julia Roberts, Janet Jackson & Jermaine Dupri, Lil Jon & Mya/Christina Milian, Flava Flav & Anybody, Underdog & Polly Purebread, y'all get the picture. I have to admit, I didn't see this one coming. Come on now! Engaged to Heidi Klum!? Seal - homey you need to start teachin' classes, my man. Grand Slam, baby - touch 'em all. Now I hear all you Player Haters chimin' in "Tyrone - it'll never work". Man, I was saying the same thing when David Bowie snuck over the border in a daring midnight raid and got away with Somalian shorty supermodel Iman (our flashback Shorty of the Week). Far as I know, they'll be celebrating their 12th wedding anniversary sometime this year...can't hate on that, y'all. Granted Heidi is no Iman, Senator -- she's already been married and her baby's daddy is racing his Formula One around some asphalt oval, but if Seal pulled old girl this far, brother man's got his mojo working.


Somalian Supermodel Iman
Man, can Ben Stein and Tyra Banks be far behind? Whoa, I almost scared myself with that one. Ain't no way Ben's beating me to Tyra because as Seal and JD have amply demonstrated - there really is hope for us all...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

P.S. Remember our boy Tiger, Tiger Woods, y'all is back in action tomorrow at the Mercedes Open - Vijay's faked the funk long enough...

Cheaters - The New Jerry Springer

Wassup, Y'all!

That's right - Uncle Tyrone is back from his holiday merriment! First on the real tip, I've got to take a moment to send my condolences and well wishes to the folks in Asia recently jacked up by the tsunami. Kudos to Sandra Bullock for droppin' $1 million duckets for the relief effort. Martha - we know your check is in the mail, girl - never had a doubt...you might want to drop in about a million of those Persimmon Lemon Poppy Seed muffins too - folks are hungry! Man, that type of devastation is overwhelming anyway you slice it. Stay strong y'all!

Now on to the subject of this blog. You know that saying "Cheaters never win?" Well it's particular true on that back channel, reality show Cheaters. If y'all haven't seen it yet you're missing a treat. If you're tired of the staged hillbilly fights Jerry Springer regularly trots out, you'll love the new school beat downs being collected on this show! It airs on what's normally considered back-in-the-day UHF - channel 26 in the Chicago market (check your local listings) but it's worth catching at least one show. That joint is like Lay's Potato Chips - you can't watch just one.

The premise is simple - a person who thinks their significant other is cheating on them calls the show and asks them to check it out for them. The show employs a surveillance squad who track the cheater over the course of several days logging incriminating video footage. They then present the footage to the person who hired them in an area that is normally just a few minutes away from where their SO is kicking it with the other person. The show's host asks solemnly if the suspecter wants to confront their cheater because they're just around the corner still kicking it! Of course the suspecter says 'yes - I'd like to confront them'. They all hop in van, speed to the scene and jump out with cameras rolling while the cheater gets COLD BUSTED. It's like watching an expressway car wreck unfold in slow motion, y'all...you just can't look away. If you like your reality TV cheap, trashy and entertaining, look no further. Judge Judy can wait.

Just when you think reality TV has hit the bottom with the Anna Nichole Show - here comes a show like Cheaters. Is there any segment of American life that people aren't willing to share on TV? People used to joke about televising executions - something like a live version of the movie Running Man (back when Ah-nold had a REAL job). Y'all have to know - at this rate, we'll be seeing it soon during May sweeps (can you say Scott Peterson? The end of his appeals process and the public appetite for such nonsense seem to be headed for harmonic convergence. Plus old boy was cheating on Laci...talk about a stacked deck....).

I hope to have my regular glossies flowing soon. I know y'all are fiending for a glossy or two - not to mention the return of the Shorties in the Shorty of the Week Showcase. Hang in there - relief is on the way.

Peace@Least,
Tyrone

Why can't Mommy cook?

Wassup, Y'all!

Here it is Chrismas Eve and I'm pondering what Christmas day will be like not tomorrow, but in about ten years when our generation moves into the holiday driver's seat. Right now it's still all good with Momma cooking the holiday meal but the Ghost of Christmas Future took me on a wild ride last night and I'm here to tell y'all, it ain't pretty. It ain't pretty at all....

Perhaps y'all have noticed the same phenomenon I have - namely young sisters ain't cooking like their mommas. In fact, folks from our younger generation really don't do much at all like our parents do. How many sisters have you seen with a sewing machine? How many sisters know the difference between a Dutch Oven and Double Dutch? How many brothers could pop open a car hood these days and do more than check the oil (if they can do that). Maa fact, some brothers might be hard pressed to change a flat or jump start a dead battery. All this adds up to some sorry holidays ahead, y'all. Full of Hungry Man Turkey TV dinners for Thanksgiving and Christmas or a family holiday trip to the Hot Shoppe or Old Country Buffet. Man, even if y'all watched Soulfood on Showtime - toward the end you hardly ever saw the Joseph girls throwing down on a Sunday meal. I was dubious that Bird was doing any real cooking anyway - old girl was doing just a little too much clubbing - it seemed to me that Maxine was the real cook in the family.

The Ghost of Christmas Future showed me the family gathered from far and near, all huddled around the card tables passing the KFC bucket and biscuits around. Digging into those KFC mash potatoes with those funky looking "Sporks". Ah well, at least clean up will be a breeze.

Happy Holidays, Y'all!

PeaceOnEarth@Least,
Tyrone

Rumsfeld - The Real Teflon Don

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - what's it gonna take? Does D-Rum have to get caught red handed passing our nuclear launch code to North Korea or what? If I know our boy GW, he'd figure out a way to put a positive spin on that nonsense as well. After mismanaging and misrepresenting the aftermath of the war we all find out that now D-Rum doesn't even have time to personally sign the notification letters to the families of those killed in action...

Last weekend on "This Week with George Snuffluphagus" GW's Chief of Staff Andy Card gave the following glowing assessment of D-Rum's performance (this prior to the letter signing dust up but following the Army's announcement that it was putting getting all military vehicles armored on the fast track - finally!)

"Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a spectacular job." - Andy "Hallmark" Card

After hearing that, I'm thinking - "Okay, Hallmark probably didn't get the 'D-Rum's got to go memo'". I'm sure GW will spend some of the 'Political Capital' he earned to deep six D-Rum! But lo and behold, a couple days later, GW shocks the world and 1) actually holds a press conference, 2) manages to walk out on stage and 3) gives D-Rum some ill gotten propers!! To wit:

"I believe he's doing a really fine job." - GW

GW was a little cagey throwing in a hedge phrase like 'I believe' and I can see a future scenario when D-Rum is finally shoved out the door and GW reshapes his statement by saying 'What you belive and what you know are two different things. There was a time when I believed , based on the same intelligence you all have seen, that Secretary Rumsfeld was doing a fine job. However, it's been brought to my attention that Don Rumsfeld's job performance is just a dog's hair north of extremely pi*s poor. ' In fact, I think Hallmark Card's comment was misconstrued as well. I believe he was using the word 'spectacular' in the literal sense as in 'a spectacular crash at the Daytona Speedway' or 'the spectacular cataclysm of an asteroid hitting the earth'. Something like that there, y'all.

In closing let me leave y'all with a final quote from GW after he glossed over D-Rum and glossed over his flameout nomination of Bernie "Little Gotti" Kerik. When asked who he planned to nominate next for the new role of Director of National Intelligence GW said simply:

"I'm going to find someone who knows something about intelligence." - GW

Dang, another job GW's not qualified for...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Reality TV - Keepin' it real

Wassup, Y'all!

I see ABC is starting to pimp the promos to the next installment of the Bachelorette and I noticed in the one I've seen that old girl's riding through Central Park in a horse drawn carriage with a pack of guys trailing behind. The camera happened to focus on one of the few brothers in the crowd and it sparked a question about these Bachelor/Bachelorette shows in general. Y'all know where I'm heading, but if you don't - read on.... First, let me drop a glossy of newest It Girl before I make my point.


Jennifer Schefft - Bachelorette #3
Okay, come on now! Is a sister ever going to be picked as a Bachelorette? How about a brother getting picked as the next Bachelor? Y'all know the that will happen when pigs are doing a fly by while Hell freezes over. Please - why even fake diversity concerns by including any minorities in the selection pool at all? Y'all know that one brother might as well be packing his bags for a trip home right now! It's too controversial y'all. Blonde haired white girl getting with a brother on national TV? You mean like Nicholette Sheridan and T.O? And we ALL know how well that went over. And just say for laughs the script ever got flipped and a brother or sister did get picked as the chooser on either of those shows. You think ABC would fill the selection pool with 90% black candidates? Or risk the drama of a black chooser actually selecting a white candidate and then proposing at the end? I don't think so - the world would fall right off it's axis, y'all. So what you have is the same old status quo. I wouldn't mind it but that sappy brother in the promo looked so happy - so hopeful. I just don't have the heart to break it to him on the real....dummy.

And for you Survivor fans out there (yes, I do watch every now and then), word's breaking that host Jeff Probst is kicking it with our favorite Native American shorty Julie Berry.


Julie Berry
Y'all remember Julie, youth mentor, known to sunbath nude to get the guys off their game. I don't know - old girls is kinda fast (although she was acting genuinely hurt that Chris dogged her and voted her out after saying he wouldn't). Now she's headed to Cali to get a Masters degree but seems to old Tyrone, she's really looking for a MRS degree. Heads up, Jeff! Could be a move to stretch out those 15 minutes of fame into 30 or maybe even 45.

Call me cynical y'all but in a Darva Konger / Anna Nichole world brothers can't be too careful...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Paging Boo Boo The Fool

Wassup, Y'all!

Sorry for the late posting - it's not my style to deprive the needy! I've been dippin' and dodgin' but managed to slap together a few tasty morsels for y'all's edification. So cop a squat and get your grub on. First up we have our Commander-in-Chief GW spending some more of the "political capital" he earned by nominating Bernie "Little Gotti" Kerik for the open Homeland Secretary slot. What's the deal with this nanny business trippin' up so many nominees? How hard is it hard to 1) make sure your nanny is a legal immigrant and 2) make sure you pay your nanny legitimately? Who does Bernie think we are? Boo Boo the fool? Please. Old boy probably snuck her over the border his damn self and then offered to pay her with a couple of weekly jimmy sammiches. Now it turns out that with a little more scratching (which GW's boys were too tired to do from all that post election partying) Little Gotti was tippin' (out) and tappin'(booty) when he got the feeling for the flavor. Shame, Shame. So I'm like hmmm, what attracted GW to Little Gotti in the first place? Rudy G.? The hard luck All-American poor-boy-makes-good story? Nah. I'm thinking it's the fact that Little Gotti made $6 million without investing a penny of his own money. Hey wait a minute...didn't GW make a little cake using that same method? Turns out Little Gotti graduated summa cum laude from the GW School of Magic Money Making (No money down, y'all!). Yeah - Bernie got lucky on the stock options to a stun gun company with a government contract... And all this from a *little* scratching of the surface...

Hey - what a difference a week makes for our troops in harm's way. Our boy D Rumsfeld (D-Rum to his boys and who just got his tenth vote of confidence from GW) has got the Army in gear now, y'all. Turns out they're spending $4.1 billion to put armor on all military
wheeled vehicles!! That's so nice - and timely too! We've only been fighting for a couple years now and only have around 10,000 wounded soldiers and over 1,000 KIA. I'm sure they received the news warmly both here and in the hereafter. Knuckleheads! If you're gonna send 'em, PROTECT 'em! What I find interesting as well is how is it a $20 Improvised Explosive Device (IED) can inflict such damage on our *best equipped* fighting forces in the world? Where's all that Defense budget going? Must be our Missile Defense Shield... When GW and D-Rum speak, Boo Boo the fool listens...

The last act of our three act "Boo Boo the fool" play is played by our favorite Louisiana Judge Timothy Ellender got busted for wearing a jail jumpsuit, handcuffs and afro wig and blackface to a Halloween party. Apparently, he arrived at the party without the blackface, but the party's host - his brother - dressed as Buckwheat (oh tay!) in blackface - thought it would be a nice, final touch. In censuring Ellender, the Louisiana Supreme court agreed Ellender didn't
mean to insult blacks... Boo Boo - you out there man?! Hmmm, I may have bought that silly a** notion if Judge Dredd had just put on a old school black and white striped prison outfit with the handcuffs, but an afro wig and blackface seems to tell me that he was thinking black criminals are the only authentic criminals...but that's just me (and Boo Boo).

Oooo running long, y'all. Let me close - glossies coming soon!

Peace@Least

Tyrone

Boardroom Diversity - You're Fired!

Wassup, Y'all!

That's right - it's two for one night here at the Malone crib. It wouldn't be responsible for me to close tonight without addressing everyone's favorite guilty pleasure - no not those tasty Pecan Turtles, y'all, I'm talking about The Apprentice - Season 2 that wrapped last night. Raise your hand if the outcome shocked you. Hold 'em up now and let me count...240 million in the country and I see about three hands up...and two are mine... I think that other one belongs to Boo Boo, the fool...

Man, please. Me and the boyz checked out the very first episode and while the opening credits were rolling I turned to my boy Tater Tot and asked who he thought was going to win and he said "The white boy", without blinking an eye. You got to give it up to Donald Trump (T-Money) - he knows how to keep the status quo popping in American's board rooms. What's the world coming to when a smoking blonde shorty with a platinum pedigree can't even make the cut? And this from over a million (according to T-Money) applicants. I guess we need to look forward to our own reality show called "The Middle Manager on the Bubble" cuz we won't be seeing the inside of T-Money's real boardroom any time soon. See if I were T-Money, I'd also have to drop that straight-laced Carolyn Kepcher and go with that freaky shorty Ivana! If she's motivated enough to drop her skirt on a busy New York street corner, old girl has what it takes to make it anywhere.

Good news, y'all! Affiliates are signing up for the upcoming Tyra Banks talk show this fall. Okay - it's only one for now, but I'm smelling momentum building. It' s good to know that our homeys in Portland, Oregon already know what time it is. For the rest of you, let me drop a glossy (and there are sooo many to choose from) on you and ask: "What's your hold up?" Call your local stations and get out the vote - dummies!


Tyra Banks
Now as I close tonight, I'd be remiss if I didn't share the love (and spotlight) with another Shorty on The Rise. You'll note back in my December 4th column I gave a similar nod to up and coming Shorty Brooklyn Sudano. This go round, I share the glossy of former Hilfiger model Joy Bryant.


Joy Bryant
Y'all keen observers will remember old girl from The Antwone Fisher Story (homeboy's girlfriend) and more recently the movie Honey with Shorty Supreme Jessica Alba (she played homegirl's girlfriend... hmmm a trend emerges...). She's still trying to break out and is next due up in the movie Skeleton Key due next year. Keep an eye peeled, y'all. She's another slim goody who has the chops to go long.

I'll holler!

Peace@Least,
Tyrone

Oprah - commitment issues?

Wassup, Y'all!

You know I was browsing through the magazine rack just the other day looking for column material and there's no way you can avoid eventually running into O - The Oprah Magazine and a brother just has to think to himself "Dang Oprah - can't you let just one fine shorty grace your cover?". I know it's her magazine and all but that joint has got to be the ultimate vanity vehicle with her mug showing up on every cover. That got me thinking about the Oprah phenomenon in general and the central question as our boy Stedman suffers in silence - how come nobody ever talks about Oprah's commitment issue? If the tables were turned and Stedman was the billion dollar talk show host who was famously shacking up with Oprah, you have to know that every sister in America would be questioning just what was taking him so long to pop the question!

They'd be having satellite linked "Stedman Ain't Sh**" parties and filling message boards on how a brother could be so low as to string a woman along for years like that. But flip the script and everyone knows it's Oprah playing the dog role and nary a peep is heard about it. Don't get me wrong, y'all. Oprah's good peoples and puts her money where her mouth is but come on now! Y'all know Stedman would have had a brick thrown at him by now. Ahhhh, the female double standard....

Previously I'd mentioned a return to our national network UPN (sorry BET!) so here we go. First, a "too bad, so sad" goes out to our favorite TV couple Boris Kodjoe and Nichole Parker (shorty extraordinaire). Word is UPN won't be picking up their show "Second Time Around" for renewal... I have to admit I didn't even make it the first time around to that joint although I liked them both in Showtime's "Soul Food" (but nobody plays Terrie Joseph like my girl Vanessa Williams). On a happy note, Kevin Hill did make the cut and should see another season. For my thoughts on KH, check my December 1st column. The reason I've chosen UPN as our national network is because, without fail, its shows rate among the highest viewed in black households. Currently, UPN's "Girlfriends" hold the slot as top rated black show (how is this possible with Tyra showing up weekly on the same network in Top Model?) Girlfriends!?? In fact, the top five most watch shows by black America are UPN shows (Girlfriends, Half and Half, Second Time Around (what?), One on One and Eve). Where's that Cosby clone "My Wife and Kids"? What no Bernie Mac? Showtime at the Apollo? Julia? What I find interesting is that none of those top five shows is anywhere close to the top ten broadcast shows nationally. Nationally, "CSI: Miami is #2". Now you haven't heard any plans not to renew that show have you? Course not. But the #2 rated black show - "Second Time Around" is headed for that old sitcom recycle bin in the sky. And you wonder why we have a higher instance of high blood pressure. It ain't fair, y'all! Nichole is too hot to go down without a fight!

So I'm on my Save Nichole crusade, y'all. To get the male vote, I proffer the following glossy:


Nicole Parker

Come on now, y'all! Would you rather look at Nicole or an autopsy of a five day old corpse fished out of the Everglades? I rest my case! Get to writing those letters!

Peace@Least,
Tyrone

The Maxim Phenomenon

Wassup, Y'all!

Got a (dime) bag full of goodies to dig into followed up by the annointing of my newest Shorty of the Week, so straighten up and fly right. Let's dispense with the bad and the ugly before moving on to the good and it can't get any badder or uglier than our latest turncoat swing state of Ohio (or Nohio to those familiar with current events). Now I know 51% of Ohio is full of cool peoples and I don't want to paint with too broad a brush but come on now! The twisted Wives Tale Handbook tells us that bad things always happen in threes. To wit: 1) Ohio's election night gift to GW, 2)The Jack Ruby take down of Damageplan guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott (Side note #1: I know the fellas down at Winky's corner store are going "who?" Side note #2: how cool is that name?), and 3) (and most funky of all) the FBI looking into a serial letter writer who sent letters to black Cleveland High School athletes saying they'll be "castrated, shot or set on fire" if they're involved in interracial relationships like Jeb Bush. Similar letters have been sent to NFL players (wonder if Tiger got one?) and "other prominent black men". Man, I thought this kind of nonsense only happened in Idaho. Shame, shame. Come on Ohio - shake it off and get back in the game! You still got the Rock & Roll & Pro Football Halls of Fame going for you!

Old Tyrone also sees that D.L. Hughley didn't make the cut to be the next host of "The Late, Late Show". Dang - if you can't move in to fill the shoes of that great late night host Craig Kilborn your act needs a good wax and buff, homey. Craig Kilborn!?? D.L. : man didn't I tell you to skip "Soul Plane"? Sigh... It's been a looong time since Arsenio was kicking it. We've been through "The Keenan Ivory Wayans Show", "The Magic Hour" with Magic Johnson, and my favorite - "Vibe" with hosts Chris Spencer (who?) and Sinbad (dude - where you at? The brothers need another Soul Music Festival!). Shoot - time's about right to bring the Vibe talk show back - they can do it live via satellite from Rikers. Anyway, they tried out a number of host and somehow the best man for the job turned out to be the guy who played Drew Carey's boss on the "The Drew Carey Show" - Craig Ferguson! Ahhh, it all comes back to Ohio (Cleveland) - and any coincidence that old boy's first name is Craig??? I had my money on long shot shorty Aisha Taylor our latest Shorty Of the Week:



Aisha Taylor
Old girl is fine, funny and fine. I'm also questioning the blatant lack of late night host that aren't male and aren't of color - come on now - this is 2004. At least hook up George Lopez with a late night gig! You'll note the above glossy comes from the primo collection of Maxim Online and I have to pause to take my hat off to the innovative mind that said "You know, if we develop a new type of men's magazine that shows a little less skin than Playboy and keeps it classy, we can probably get any woman in entertainment to pose for them." And on the Sixth Day, Maxim, FHM, Stuff, King, Smooth and many others were created and all mankind saw that it was good. Like the cartoon guys in the Guinness beer ads are known to say - Brilliant! The shorties are famous and fine and you can bring those mags in the crib and have a valid argument for bringing them into the crib with your girl - but baby - they show less than Playboy! Brilliant!

So as a parting farewell to our cerebrally challenged, bigoted Ohio serial letter writer, here's a glossy of stone hotty Leeann Tweeden from "The Best Damn Sports Show Period", whose superlative work no doubt hangs in sports lockers around the globe - black men and white men, gentiles and jews. And note where this glossy hails from - that's right, y'all - FHM. If you aren't checking 'em, you better ax somebody!


Leeann Tweeden
Go on with your bad self Leeann! I'm Audi, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone