Shock The Monkey

Wassup, Y'all!

It's been a while since old Tyrone has dipped into the local cinema to catch a flick - an oversite I plan to correct in the coming new year but I did get a chance to peep the new King Kong joint last weekend to see how it stacked up to that politically incorrect, stop motion 1933 original joint as well as that campy a$$ 1976 joint that starred (actually *introduced* so you *know* that was back in the day!) Jessica Lange. I'm here to report that I laughed, I cried and came away wondering how it is that after 72 years, King Kong can still make the island natives look like stereotypical caricatures...

Overall, I liked that joint y'all and I'm digging deep to give Peter Jackson's King Kong vision 3 Spinners. Most of those Spinners are dropped on the King himself - Mighty Kong - who demonstrated singlehandly how far special FX have come since herky jerky 1933 Kong. Amazing y'all and likely due to the fact that his expressions were motion captured from a real actor (Andy Serkis who provide the same service for that precioussss little Golum in the Lord of the Rings trilogy). Kong is the best thing in the movie and the fact that he shows up pretty much halfway through a three hour movie tells you where that other Spinner went.

This joint is long y'all and - unlike the previously mentioned Lord of the Rings movies and Saving Private Ryan - you do notice time passing. Our fair haired damsel in distress, Naomi Watts, puts her foot in her role as Ann Darrow, Kong's girl toy (y'all will remember me proppin' Naomi's work on The Ring flicks and she also brought it home in the back-in-the-day 21 Grams which I *finally* caught on DVD (3.5 Spinners!)). Jack Black is his same over the top self as Carl Denham, the opportunistic film director and Oscar winner Adrien Brody (who busted that slob on shorty Halle Berry at the awards show) is good but a little unconvincing as the story's sub-hero (he's Denham's screenwriter and everyone knows writers never get the girl! Y'all know Kong's the real hero).

But here are the actual factuals on this joint - it was good but could have been better and still clocked in at about 2 1/2 hours. In the writing world, conflict is good to hold an audience's attention. The rule of thumb is to make it BIG - put your hero/heroine in a desperate situation, then figure out how to make that situation even more desperate. Seems to me Jackson took that rule a bit too far, y'all. All the action scenes were drawn out well past the point of excitement. They started great and then just kept going and going and going and... Several of them stretched credibility pretty far (I know it's a movie about a giant ape but given that I still prefer action to stay within the bounds of reality, come on now!). Which brings us back to those island natives...

The controversy with the 1933 version of Kong was that the natives on Skull Island were portrayed as stereotypical jungle south siders courtesy of an unchecked north side view. Think early Tarzan vs. Shaka Zulu or Roots - The Saga of an American Family. Jackson's vision gives his Skull Island natives a hyperviolent, nasty Middle Earth vibe but unlike the hell spawned denizens from his Lord of the Rings flicks, you could tell the majority of the actors playing Jackson's natives were south siders. Seems to me on Skull Island they could have cast anybody for those roles but somehow we always seem to fall back on clowning south siders - hmmmm. In my opinion, you could have had the same movie by casting my girl Vanessa Williams as Ann Darrow and a bunch of grubby looking north siders (check out Rob Zombie's 'The Devil's Rejects' for examples, y'all) as the natives (kinda like 'The Others' in Lost) but I'm figuring that thought never crossed anyone's mind - except mine. That's why I'm here with you, y'all -- to keep my Urban Eye open and point out the obvious. I know, I know - you're welcome - no thanks necessary for my tireless work on your behalf. I got your back.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

How To Be Just Plain Nasty...

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm sitting here munching on some of 'Tini Mack's left over Lime Chips and pondering the news he dropped at our last poker sitdown. As you've heard me say from time to time, it's always good to have a little time to bond with the fellas so you can expound on the actual factuals over some good food, drink and poker. There are always a few tasty details dropped and, in this case, 'Tini dropped one about my boss (I sometimes do freelance work outside the basement, y'all. A brother needs a few duckets in his pocket to keep moms from cutting off the heat and it's *cold* here in Chicago, people!). Anyway, 'Tini, ever the diplomat says, "Dude, if your boss ever tries to hand you a memo, don't take it". I ask why not and he says, "cuz I was in the bathroom earlier today and he rolled out of the stall without washing his hands!" Hence the title of this post y'all - that type of behavior is just straight nasty and sadly, according to the American Society of Microbiologists, all too common...

See nasty a$$ sh&t like that's the reason why Japanese folks avoid the whole ingrained American custom of the greeting handshake. A bow at five paces will save you that unexpected E. Coli infection your boss is set to pass on because he was too busy to wipe his a$$ then *wash* his nasty hands!! How is this possible when we're trained as biddy bop, crumbsnatchers to always wash up? Let's see what those Microbiologists have to say about this...

Hmmm, according to their September 27th New York Times report, though 91% of folks surveyed claimed they wash their hands after bathroom extracirriculars, observers found only 82% actually did so. What's up with that other nasty 9%? The survey polled about a 1,000 folks so we're talking roughly 90 nasty a$$es who willing rolled out the restroom without so much as a drop of water hitting their hands. I'm sure something else was hitting those hands, but clearly no water. Damn. Let's continue since it gets worse. 90% of women washed their hands vs. just 75% of men. Damn, fellas! And we wonder why women don't want us holding the remote!!

The survey folks had observers staked out at Turner Field in Atlanta, the Museum of Science and Industry and the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago, Grand Central Station and Penn Station in New Yawk City and the Ferry Terminal Farmer's Market in San Francisco. It's no surprise that only 74% of baseball fans in Atlanta washed up - since baseball's so damn nasty anyway with all that spitting and scratching going on during the game. Also no surprise that only 79% of New Yawk commuters washed up since we are talking about New Yawk. The *BIG* surprise was how hygenic the 'Frisco folks were clocking in at 88%. Why is that a surprise? You do the math, y'all... But the big ups go the Chicago crew at the Shedd Aquarium who doused their digits 89% of the time. I'm pretty sure Mayor Daley will figure out how to claim credit for that too.

Damn - with behavior like this, you know when the Asian Bird Flu busts out we're all going down. 'Cept me that is - I've got my little survival kit all stocked up here in the basement...Epsom Salt, iodine, face mask, mama's chicken soup and a year's supply of Maxim magazines as I'll probably have to cut the shortys short for the duration (unless they come equipped with a clean, same day health report). In the meantime, I'm off to take a long, hot shower, y'all before copping some latex gloves for my trip to work tomorrow...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Miss Penitentary 2005!

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, y'all know there was NO way I could let this fly by without a comment! Am I the only brother on the planet who thinks that prison should be just that - PRISON!?? Clearly our homies in Brazil have a different way of thinking. Yeah, yeah I know we need to be eternally grateful for their everlasting contribution to fashionable swim/strip club wear by dropping the thong bikini on an unsuspecting world but a penitentary beauty pageant for shortys on lockdown? Man, how does a brother get tickets to that?...

First let me apologize for dropping that vintage glossy cuz that's not actually Miss Penitenary 2005 (aka drug smuggler Angelica Mazua) but her foine predecessor Fernanda Maria de Jesus - Miss Penitentary 2004 who mysteriously gained early release after her walk down the concrete runway. Coincidence? I think not, y'all.

Hmmmm...according to prison officials, the Sao Paulo prison pageant is designed to "boost inmates' self-confidence". I can see it now, y'all - you know this ruckus will be making its way north in no time and Lil Kim's gonna get her roll on (she's got the talent competition all locked up) and primp and rap her way to the title of Miss US Federal Lock Up 2006! Here's a thought - why not help young women boost their self-confidence by 1) encouraging them to stay the hell out of jail, 2) getting society to pass along the message that it's not all about the body but what's going on inside your head?

Ooooo - I can hear y'all now yapping, 'Dang Ty, that's like the pot calling the kettle black, homeboy. I don't think you met a scantily clad glossy you haven't boosted to post on this site. Dude - kinda hypocritical don't you think?' To which I would reply with my patented, 'Please - don't hate. Appreciate!' If the Brazilians can boost inmates' self-confidence by letting them participate in a beauty pageant (least they made them kick the one-piece swimsuit. If they had busted out in thongs during the swimsuit competition you know a riot would have broken out in that joint!!) the least old Tyrone can do is help our American shortys feel honored and respected so they can get a little self-confidence boost too.' I'm only doing my part, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone