Yo, Damon Wayans - WTF?

Wassup, Y'all!

I hope by now y'all are feelin' me when I say (so many times that I've stopped counting) that Damon Wayans is an idiot. There's no polite way to slice it, y'all. That boy is just a straight knucklehead. No sooner does the dust settle on the Michael Richard's comedy club ruckus than this fool pops up in the *same club* droppin' the N-word 16 times during his weak a$$ 20 minute act. That translates to almost 1 pop a minute, a $320 fine (which he purposely brought on stage with him already aware of the club's new $20 fine per utterance), a 3 month ban from LA's Laugh Factory and a southside Chicago beat down if ol Ty ever catches his rusty butt tippin' into any of the local comedy joints around here. It just goes to show that looks may fade with time, but that stupid is forever - which is about how long this fool and his comedy have been working my *last* nerve...

Okay, I'll admit I liked some of his In Living Color stuff - Homey The Clown, the gay movie critic with David Allen Grier, even some of the early My Wife and Kids (before he took that show over the top and out the door) but there was more I didn't like, particularly the way he always pushes the comedy envelope well past funny into the realm of stupid, obscene or offensive. His younger brothers Shawn and Marlon share this similar trait though, unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be hurting their box office receipts. But what more can you expect from a brother who tried to *trademark* the term 'nigga'? Could you imagine the firestorm if someone from any other side tried to pull that kind of tom foolery?

Now you've got a situation where a segment of southsiders are trying to renounce the use of the word for entertainment purposes - Paul Mooney, one of the fathers of the 'comedic' use of the N-word, included - and another trying to capitalize on the controversy by putting their use of the N-word into hyperdrive. Where this ends, who knows? What I do know is that as long as southsiders keep clowning and puttin' the word out there we should also expect to hear it uttered out of school by the other sides who may also try to apply it as a 'term of endearment'. No cryin' foul allowed in that case, y'all. Not surprisingly, at least one northsider thought DW's act was in humorous good taste...

As for me? I plan to adopt that new approach mentioned on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update a couple weeks ago. They had Darrell Hammond and Kenan Thompson playing Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton respectively and they decided that the only proper thing to do was to use a replacement word - one just as offensive with the same number of syllables - Kramer. As in 'Where my Kramers at?', 'Loan you some money? Kramer, please!', and my favorite new greeting, "What's up, my Kramer?"

Though at this point, 'Damon' would work equally well. DW - straighten yo a$$ up, homey!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Wesley Checks in with Gangster Sam

Wassup, Y'all!

Well, well, well - look who decided to hotfoot it back to Gangster Sam's (aka Uncle Sam) hood to face the music! That's right y'all, our boy Wesley got the message after watching that Season I DVD box set of the Sopranos that I sent him during his down time while filming in Namibia. I have to give ol boy credit, ol Ty didn't expect to see his mug back in this hemisphere anytime soon so obviously the Daywalker must think he's got some goods to bargain with...

After checkin' out the wires it appears that Wesley plans to use the time tested Shaggy 'It Wasn't Me' defense. That's right, y'all - ol Nozeema plans to pin the rap on his tax firm, American Rights Litigators, and act all indignant that they did him wrong while looking forward to resolving the matter "posthaste". So after posting a $1 million dollar bond, homey headed back to Namibia to finish filming Gallow Walker before returning to the hood for the duration since once he gets back stateside, Gangster Sam plans to relieve him of his hall pass (aka US Passport) which would seem to put a crimp in his plans of following up Gallow Walker with Chasing The Dragon which was to begin
filming in Thailand next year.

Homey better hope that a judge/jury buys that tired defense or as previously reported, the only 'me love you long time' feelings Wesley will be catching will be coming from his night time prison lover Tossed Salad Man. Oh snap!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

'Day Break' hits Ty's TiVo rotation...

Wassup, Y'all!

Yeah, I was semi-hatin' on this show (way back in August) before I peeped it and I'm man enough to say I was wrong about this joint. Day Break, Taye Diggs new action drama on ABC is off...the...hook. I was wondering how they would be able to pull off a show where the central premise is that the main character relives the same day over and over but the Day Break writers have managed to craft a clever and compelling show that stays fresh each time TD wakes up at 6:18 am...

Andrew Lyons does a good job of summarizing the ruckus for the uninitiated. The microwave version goes like this - Taye Diggs plays a cop who wakes up one morning and has a really bad day - he's framed for murder, arrested, jailed and ultimately ends up in a quarry where he collects a beat down and gets drugged via a very large needle in his neck but before he fades to black, his captors show him a video of his girlfriend (former Laker Girl Moon Bloodgood) getting murdered. When the drug kicks in, he falls asleep and wakes up back in the same exact day...with his previously dead girlfriend snuggled right next to him.

Believe me, you'll want to watch *all* the previous episodes before jumping into this joint (cuz if you don't you'll miss a lot of important backstory) so if you decide to invest the time, watch the old stuff on the ABC website first. The central theme to the show is a phrase one shadowy character mentions to TD as he's losing consciousness to the drug he's given - Decisions, Consequences. In this case, since TD remembers everything that happens each day and retains the wounds from the beatings and shootings he takes, he can also use that knowledge to change the day's events and get closer to solving the murder he's being framed for. It's a deep concept but it works well and it's a great diversion while Lost is off on hiatus and 24 is warming up in the wings.

Try it, you'll like it, y'all. It's tasty and trans fat free and I know my NYC homeys will appreciate that!

**** Update ***

TVsquad.com is reporting turrible ratings for TD's new show (hmmm, just like TD's old show - Kevin Hill - which I also liked). It seems although critics are agreed on the quality of the show, Taye's not gettin' any love from the desired demographics. They floated the possibility that the show might get dropped before the last 5 episodes air or just let fans enjoy the remaining episodes online or when the DVD set comes out. Now that's whack...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Sacre Bleu,Tony Parker! Noooooooo!

Wassup, Y'all!

Damn. First Alcatel and Lucent. Now Tony Parker and westside shorty Eva Longoria. Remember back in the day? Eddie Murphy's Raw concert where he cracked on how his father would tell his mom Lillian that she never listened? Well that's the same way I feel about Tony Parker's deaf a$$. I don't know how many times I warned that brother about Eva being a high maintenance chica. Had to have been about a billion but does he listen to ol Ty? Hell to the N-O! Now word reaches the basement that TP had the nerve to drop to one knee and pop the question. It's clear to me that the head on his shoulders had no input on this decision...

Now I know a few of you homeboyz are out there like, "Ty, stop hatin' man. Eva's foine!" True dat, but how many times have we been down this road fellas? Let me drop a few cautionary examples along these lines - Carmen Electra, Pam Anderson, Anna Nicole Smith, Vivica Fox, Whitney Houston Denise Richards, Jessica Simpson, blah, blah, blah. That's a stable of shortys who can put stars in your eyes because they're bodied up but also put ulcers in your stomach because they bring along nothing but drama.

Now I'm not saying Eva is another legendary diva like J-Lo, but I think there's enough evidence in the public domain about Eva that should give any brother pause before jumping the broom with that shorty. Like this. Or maybe this. I know, I know - it's circumstantial evidence but if it was good enough to put O.J. in the slamm...oh snap!

Anyway, Frere Tony - a little advice player to player. Beauty fades homey, but character doesn't. Give that some thought and take Kanye's advice and say 'We want PRENUP!' Don't say I didn't tell you. The euros you save will be your own.

Eva Longoria - negre please.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Condi & GW: A Four Act Love Story

Wassup, Y'all!

My boy Top Cat forwarded me an email a bit ago that straight cracked my a$$ up since he knows I always have a few things to say about southside shorty Condoleeza Rice. In this case, he forwarded an email that's been circulating the 'Net for a few that shows the four act love story between Condi and GW. Lord knows it must be love for Condi to still be hanging with those homeboys. If you haven't seen it - enjoy. Here's the Act I glossy - love is in the air, y'all! Check out the rest of the story after the jump...








Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Denzel, Nellybelle & The Country Boys

Wassup, Y'all!

November 2, 2007. Circle that date, y'all. If you thought Denzel Washington was a bad mother 'shut your mouth' ('King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!) in his Academy Award winning turn as corrupt narcotics cop Alonzo Harris in Training Day, his upcoming role as big time, real life Harlem drug runner Frank Lucas should pretty much set your hair on fire (if Frank's account of his life can be trusted). I just read a tight New York Magazine article (circa 2000) by Mark Jacobson about the real Frank Lucas and it reads like a cross between Superfly, New Jack City, The Sopranos, Nelly's 'Pimp Juice' and Platoon. This guy was off the meter and Denzel will be bringing Lucas' sordid story to the silver screen in his upcoming movie American Gangster....

To say this film production is star-crossed would be putting it mildly as it went through two directors and two stars (Denzel, then Don Cheadle, then back to Denzel). In my view you can't go wrong with either of those boyz and if the script stays anywhere close to the ruckus goin' on in that article, Denzel will be back up for another Oscar nomination cuz that material is just too damn juicy.

Here's the backstory, y'all. Frank Lucas started out as a North Carolina country boy who started straight clownin' after he witnessed his cousin being murdered by the Klan. He started small timin' it to provide for his family and before long he found his way to Harlem and became a '...one-man, hell-bent crime wave'. He took Advanced Crime 501 from smooth Harlem crime boss Ellsworth 'Bumpy' Johnson (played to perfection by Laurence Fishburne in Hoodlum).

Once Bumpy passed in the late 60's, Frank dropped it into overdrive and turned his attention to the lucrative heroin trade, ultimately hooking up a supply line of horse that originated in the 'Golden Triangle' of Southeast Asia and was transported back stateside in the coffins of dead U.S. soldiers coming home from Vietnam. Homey flooded the streets with one of the purest strains of heroin and had southsiders shufflin' up to his dealers like extras from the Night Of The Living Dead. Wisely, he only employed friends and family from North Carolina (the Country Boys) as his dealers since they were more trustworthy than city boys who were always looking to get theirs and Frank would watch over his street corner enterprise from the driver's seat of a beat up hoopty called Nellybelle - the perfect disguise for a man who, at the height of his earnings, was clocking $1 million...a day.

Peep that article, y'all and holler back if your mouth doesn't hit the floor. Frank was a buck wild boy. Not sure I can wait a year to check this joint out - especially since 'Karen Sisco' - Carla Gugino's in that bad boy too (who cares about Russell Crowe??). Wonder if she finds her way up in Nellybelle too?

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Quincy's daughter in an Office triangle

Wassup, Y'all!

You'd think that Quincy Jones would have warned his daughter to steer clear of office romances, but there she is - in the middle of a love triangle on one of the funniest shows on TV - The Office. If you work in anything that resembles Corporate America and you haven't peeped this show yet, you're missing a dead on satire of office life at its worst. For example, the last installment featured the office boss (played by 40 Year Old Virgin nut, Steve Carell) welcoming Rasida Jones (Quincy's girl) to her new office branch by telling her that she was 'very exotic looking' and asking whether her father was a 'GI'...

Most folks don't know that Rashida owes her 'exotic' looks to her parents - Quincy Jones and Mod Squad girl, Peggy Lipton. That's a pretty good pedigree.

To ol Ty's embarrassment, I've been trying to place Rashida since she showed up on the show and her character, Karen, started catching feelings for the show's 'hero', Jim (Jim is who you would be in the show, y'all - the main normal person). I knew that Rashida reminded me of someone but it wasn't until I looked her up and peeped a glossy of her mom Peggy that it all fell together. If you check out pictures of Peggy, there's no denying that those two are mother / daughter. Funny how genetics work y'all.

Anyway, now that 'Karen' has moved into the Scranton branch of the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company, she finds herself at odds with 'Pam' (Jenna Fischer), the office receptionist who broke Jim's heart at the end of last season. Just based on that foulness I'd have to toss my support to Rashida but y'all know that in Hollywood scripts, 'exotic looks' tend to work against you.

Now nothing against northside shorty Pam but I'm from the school of 'You Snooze, You Lose' and homegirl had Jim twistin' in the wind for the longest before cracking his face by turning down his advance. Havin' been on the business end of that ruckus my damn self how can a brother not root for the exotic north/southside shorty to get what she's looking for? So I plan to put my cheddar where my grill is and pick up a couple Team Karen T-shirts for me and the shortys around my office here in the basement. Holler if you hear me.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Gerald Levert: Why To Push The Plate Away

Happy Turkey Day, Y'all!

Woooo. Ol Ty is winding down from gettin' his eat on (big ups to my hosts Kat and C-Dog for helping Ty eat, drink and be merry - thanks, y'all!) and I'm here to tell you that a brother is full! After a little reflection on recent events and how today tends to be a day of excess, I think it's only appropriate to return our thoughts to our boy Gerald 'Teddy Bear' Levert who recently passed at the tender age of 40 and how the southside nation needs to do itself a favor and push back away from the dinner table before it's too damn late...

Now I'm not preaching here, y'all (okay - well maybe a little bit), cuz I need to learn this lesson as well since I'll walk over a brother to get to a piece of pecan pie but as we see more of our family and friends get to that great gettin' up morning far too soon, we need to take a pause for the cause and figure out how to eat more sensibly.

I'll admit, I'll be laughin' right along with Mo'nique when she does her 'big girl' act and drops a cookbook titled 'Skinny Cooks Can't Be Trusted'. I'll be right there laughin' at the comedians on Def Comedy Jam always talkin' about a two piece chicken meal with the biscuits or how Ruben 'Velvet Teddy Bear' Studdard ate Clay Aiken (note: if your nickname has 'teddy bear' anywhere in it, your a$$ is probably already one Red Lobster cheddar biscuit away from cardiac arrest and a trip to the ER...) but a cold hard look in the community mirror reveals a few very unfunny facts about us. To wit:

"The American Heart Association revealed that heart and blood vessel disease affects African American men at much higher rates, and that they are 94% more likely to die from strokes than their white counterparts." Hmmm....

"For women, the black (non-Hispanic) population has the highest prevalence of overweight (78 percent) and obesity (50.8 percent)." Hmmm....

Now say what you want about Tupac - the brother was foul, the brother was profane, the brother was arrogant - yes, he was all that. He was also crazy creative, ahead of his time and utterly profound and no more so than when he mashed together his thought provoking jam, Changes. Not only did Tupac foretell the exact scenario that would take him to his great gettin' up day ('Cause I always got to worry 'bout the pay backs. Some buck that I roughed up way back... comin' back after all these years. Rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat. That's the way it is.') he also dropped some sound advice for the southside nation that is just as appropriate now as it was when he first dropped it. I can't think of any better words to close with:

We gotta make a change...
It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes. Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't working so it's on us to do what we gotta do, to survive.

So, when you think about unwrapping that third plate of leftovers tomorrow (you know - those joints you sealed up with tin foil when you rolled out of your Thanksgiving jammy-jam) - think about Gerald and the folks who would miss you if your great gettin' up day came even one day too soon and pass that plate by.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Kramer, The N-Word & The Big Deal

Wassup, Y'all!

This was the most appropriate glossy I could find of Michael 'Kramer' Richards, the goof who played Cosmo Kramer all those years on the Seinfeld sitcom. By now y'all are up to here with news about homeboy's racial tirade at a LA comedy club and his subsequent apology over his comments. Again, like Mel Gibson, Cosmo claims "I'm not a racist. That's what is so insane about this." Strange that both men can tap into such racial hatred so easily yet remain amazingly mystified as to where it comes from. Regardless, I'm thinking Cosmo's goose is cooked on this one and I'd like to remind my Malone Zone readers why, despite the southside's prodigious use of the N-Word, it's still not for general use, particularly by northsiders...

I know, I know - some of y'all are like, 'that's some ol bull$hit, Ty' - southsiders use that term all the time and nobody gets all hot! We'll all be in the club jamming to Jamie and Kanye talkin' 'bout 'Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke ni$$ers" It's all good. What the problem with Cosmo throwing that term around? Y'all know I've been over this road before so for a refresher hit my 'That Nigga's Crazy' post.

As for Cosmo - not only did he use the N-Word, he went over the top by first stating,"Fifty years ago we'd have you upside-down with a fu#king fork up your a$$". Hence the bigger point that I can't stress enough - there's a history between southsiders and northsiders that began in the midst of some buckwild northside craziness. The feel good vibes we have between each other these days is superficial frosting on a cake with some jacked up feelings in the middle.

As previously mentioned, my boy 'Tini Mack turned me on to a powerful book called 'Without Sanctuary - Lynching Photography in America'. It should be a required book in any southsiders home library to hammer home just why we shouldn't be using the N-Word so lightly. However, I think it should also be required reading for northsiders - particularly those who feel the need to support Cosmo's use of the word. An appropriate quote from the book jacket follows:

"Many people today, despite the evidence, will not believe - don't want to believe - that such atrocities happened in America no so very long ago. These photographs bear witness to...an American holocaust." - Congressman John Lewis

According to Cosmo it was about 'fifty years ago'. Clearly more education on both sides is appropriate to help everyone realize that the N-Word is no laughing matter.

Get right, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Wesley's 'Payment Plan'

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, what the hell is going on? First, news reaches the basement that Wesley Snipes had worked out a 'payment plan' with Uncle 'Gangster' Sam to make good on his tax dodging and I get all worked up! I was originally plannin' on starting this post like this...

Now ain't this some bullshi*t? How's my boy Ronnie 'Mr. Biggs' Isley end up in the Gray Bar Hotel with Tossed Salad Man and your boy Wesley Snipes ends up getting put on a 'payment plan' by Uncle 'Gangster' Sam? Something's fishy up in herrr, y'all. Either Mr. Biggs had a public defender or Wesley's got a politician in his pocket (or a high powered lawyer like Johnny Cochran (moment of silence please...))

Now new word has come to the basement that Gangster Sam has been quoted as saying 'Ah hell naw - homey don't play that' and he's claiming the only deal on the table is his original southside prison pimp slap. What's going on?

Well it turns out that the reporter who broke the story for the Daily Variety only spoke to three associates (aka boyz) of Wesley rather than to Gangster Sam's consigliere. What kind of ruckus is that? Even ol Ty knows you have to get both sides of the story. Since when did an interview with someone's boyz ever yield an accurate quote?? Clearly his boyz are hoping for the Snipes Gravy Train to keep on rolling so they can stay stocked up with bon bons and groupies since they don't have any jobs to fall back. Anyone would be wise to take their info with a grain of salt.

What's even more clear is that homeboy Wesley ain't got the first plan to come back to Gangster Sam's hood (aka the U.S.) anytime soon. He's still shooting his currently flick 'Gallowwalker' in Namibia and once that joint wraps ol boy is headed to Thailand to shoot his next flick 'Chasing the Dragon' in which he plays "an FBI agent in Asia on the tail of a drug lord". Man, that's kinda funny - Wesley playin' a member of Gangster Sam's posse, while Gangster Sam's real posse is on his tail. That's what they call 'deliciously ironic', y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone