Obama to Ludacris: You Don't Know Me Like That

Wassup, Y'all!

If you listened closely to the Smooth Barack campaign chatter related to Ludacris' 'Obama's Here' video you can almost hear Smooth cribbin' Luda's 'Get Back' lyrics talkin' 'bout, 'Yeet yeet WHOOP WHOOP!! Why you all in my ear?! Talking a whole bunch of $%#@ that I ain't trying to hear! Get back, M%^&*$%^&$er - you don't know me like that'.

Officially his campaign let it quickly be known that it didn't appreciate the lyrical content of his tribute video and likely wondered behind closed doors why homey couldn't be more like will.i.am - calm, collected, thoughtful and non-controversial...

Hence the dilemma with rappers. Give 'em a little love and they return that kindness in turn, but in a fashion that's true to their roots. According to Luda, Smooth mentioned that he's one of his favorite rappers. Not sure if that's true or not especially based on his previous comments on some rap lyrics which he said, '...too often perpetuate misogyny, materialism, and degrading images that he doesn’t want his daughters or any children exposed to'. I'd have to agree with that sentiment. At some point there has to be a filter engaged between your brain and your mouth. Think what you want, there's no law against it (yet), but also think about the ramifications of everything you plan to verbalize.

Luda already knows that there's a bunch of folk nervous about the potential southside president thing so I'm not sure how he thinks it's helpful to Smooth's cause to 1) further diss Sister Hillary when she's out of the game ('Hillary hated on you, so that bi%ch is irrelevant'), 2) rap about paintin' the White House black (a concept he stole from George Clinton) and 3) emphasizin' how terrifying a Smooth presidency is to some folks and how there's nothing they can do about it - pretty strong words for a candidate who hasn't been elected yet. A lot can happen in 97 days - ask Al Gore and John Kerry about it. I believe it was Kanye who heard 'em say, 'Nothing's ever promised tomorrow, today'.

I'll be the first to say that Luda is a creative talent - the brother's rap lyrics are inventive and his acting is above par (compared to say Bow Wow or Chris Brown) but in the judgment department I have to say that the brother comes up lacking. He is forward thinking though, y'all cuz he almost penned the perfect words for Smooth to say when he gets a private moment with Luda's a$$: 'But now I'm here, you wanna stand around running your mouth?! [don't wanna] hear nothing you saying or spitting, so whats up! Don't you see [you ain't helpful]?! Man shut the f&%k up!!'

Can't say it any plainer than that, Luda. Yeet, yeet Whoop, Whoop!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Will and Jada on the Up High

Wassup, Y'all!

What the hell is the Up High you ask? Easy - it's the exact opposite of the Down Low and don't act like you don't know what that is. For the longest now, there have been lingering rumors about the Smiths and their "lifestyle". Some said they were swingers. In fact, ol Ty broached this topic back in '05 but there was never a confirmation or denial from Camp Smith...until recently. If you believe the 'interview' he gave to the UK Tabloid Now Magazine recently during his 'Hancock' UK press tour.

According to Big Willie, if he sees a hot shorty that piques his attention all he has to do is, '...tell my wife...I need to have sex with someone else'. Simple as that, y'all. It's like:

Will: 'Yo baby, Shawnice is lookin' hot tonight. I'm a go hit that right quick. I should be back before the kids go to sleep. Maybe a little later is she gets freaky.'

Jada: 'Okay baby, have fun. Just be sure to wrap it up'

Will: 'Will do. Love you, Boo'

To which, ol Ty can only say, 'Daaaaaaaaamn!' (in a completely judgmental and that type of behavior is so wrong kind of way, y'all...). Thoughts after the jump...

First of all, this nonsense can't possibly be true as I haven't met a southside sister yet who wouldn't squelch that kind of talk from their man with a pot of hot grits. It may happen on some alternate earth in a galaxy far, far away, but here? It's hot grits in the grill EVERY time.

But let's say it is true and play this out. It would sure explain how Big Willy hasn't been caught rollin' out of the Beverly Hills Hilton Hotel at 2:45 in the morning like John Edwards. You have to know the number of women clamoring to get with Big Willy is pretty much off the charts - it' would take a BIG man to withstand that kind of temptation on a daily basis. A BIG man. So what's a man in that position to do who is tempted yet loves his wife? According to the article, Big Willy says,'...it is "healthy" to be attracted to other people and is okay telling his wife so'. See, y'all? It's all about honesty and respect in an open marriage, not hot grits and hurt feelings.

If this is true and we find that we're somehow okay with this because it's Big Willy and Jada we're talkin' about, Jenny Block from HuffPo put that type of 'Celebrity Pass' ridiculousness in pretty good context. Me? I'm more interested in just who Big Willy's been kickin' it with on the Up High. I have a couple thoughts but, of course that's just me speculatin'. But if you want to be on the Up High and still kinda keep it on the Down Low, hangin' out in Bollywood would probably work pretty well. Perhaps John Edwards will consider that for any future extracurricular late night milk runs. Still I said it back in '06 when I called out Big Willy for 'playin' both sides'. He dropped the following quote about his boo, Jada:

"You're so much stronger when your partner is strong. I honestly believe there is no woman for me but Jada. Of all the women I've met - and there've been a few - no one can handle me the way Jada does. Once you feel someone locked in on you, it's no contest. As fine as other women can be, as tempting sexually, I'm not going anywhere. This is it. I can't imagine what anyone else could offer."

If this Up High nonsense is true *and* there really were no hot grits involved, then Jada's got to be one of the strongest sisters I know. And if she's on board it's no wonder that Big Willy isn't going anywhere and can't image what anyone else would offer. It's interesting though when asked how he'd feel if Jada came to him to let him know she was headed out to knock boots with a 6'5" Jamaican fashion model named Francois, he confesses, 'I don’t know how I’d feel...but I know I would react better than if I found out about it afterwards.'

Riiiiight! Ol Ty is sensin' that divorce papers would be on the table before Jada got out 'I want to...'. Oh well, I'm going to try not to be judgmental on this one. What the Smiths do with their relationship is up to the Smiths. If that works and they're both happy and their kids become normal, productive members of society, who's ol Ty to judge? Anyway, Up High sounds so much better than Down Low, but tell you what - ol Ty is also lookin' at that Will and Jada relationship with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes in a whole new light, y'all. A whole new light....

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Rick Ross: Miami's Most Wanted

Wassup, Y'all!

Been on the road (still stuck in Philly as I type!) so my bad on the spotty postin'! I did have to choke on my Coke a little earlier this week when Mo'Kelly busted out 'thug' rapper Rick Ross tho. Seems as tho Big Rick (who in addition to stealin' his thug credentials also stole real rap thug Suge Knight's Big boy bald/beard look), despite repeated denials that he's a poseur, got busted out by thesmokingun.com. Needless to say, my brother Ichiban and I got a good laugh up under that tomfoolery over the weekend.

Ichiban went one step further sayin' that Big Rick wasn't any better than northsider Jamie 'B-Rad' Kennedy who formed a rap posse with his 'crew' from Malibu, California in the tripped out flick, Malibu's Most Wanted.

In the future, all y'all wannabe poseur gangsta rappers need to take a few notes from Big Rick's cautionary tale to make sure that your suburban, Martha's Vineyard roots don't get put on full blast around the blogosphere. Ol Ty's Top Ten tips based on Big Rick's multiple faux pas's follow after the jump...

1) Burn your Department of Corrections personnel file when you quit
2) If you apply for and get a job as a correctional officer, change your SSN when you blow up as a rapper.
3) Don't give shouts to your mama *and* sister on both your job application *and* your thug CD liner notes
4) Use lye to alter your fingerprints from the ones emblazoned forever on your fingerprint card that reveals a clean criminal background.
5) Miss a couple days of work each week - thugs never have perfect job attendance
6) Alter your birth certificate - straight outta Compton sounds much better than straight outta Coahoma County (Mississippi).
7) Don't head out the door lookin' like Suge Knight's little brother
8) If your a$$ was fat big during your soft days, slim down for your thug persona (or vice versa)
9) Remember that 'stackin' paper' means pilin' up a little more than $25K
10) You normally get more street cred by being *in* a cell at lights out vs. being the one to call 'lights out'.

Lastly, be true to yourself. Seems to me the rap world could use a few more law and order personas like DJ Popo, John Liz-aw, Officer Serv or Coppa Plea. Just a thought, Big Rick. You'd be the first in line, cousin, wouldn't have to lie about your soft a$$ background and would get props for being unique instead being part of that thugged out, blinged out, mean mugging, me-too crew. Get clue, homey. Good news, tho. Despite your revealed softness, Ol Ty still plans to keep you in the hoopty rotation just for laughs.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Hang a noose, catch a bid

Wassup, Y'all!

After reporting more than a couple times about fools finding humor in hanging nooses (or in the Jena 6 case tryin' to intimidate the school's southside population) ol Ty was heartened to see this tomfoolery start to get the serious legal treatment it deserves. NS Shorty was kind enough to slip a note under Ty's door pointing him to an article in DiversityInc. that highlights moves by three state legistatures - Louisiana, Connecticut and New York - to make the act of hanging a noose punishable by jail time. That's right - hang a noose and do a bid.

DiversityInc. has been tracking the number of noose incidents nationally and notes that since last September there have been about 80. Ol Ty notes that just as many have occurred *above* the Mason-Dixon line as below and the middle of the country seems to have more sense than the east or west coasts. If you hit that last link it will take you to the article and an interactive version of that glossy that lets you see the details of each noose incident.

Hopefully this will make knuckleheads, particularly school students, think twice about knottin' a noose and proudly displaying it. The history of the noose remains nothing to joke about and it's nice to see folks starting to view hanging nooses as the hate crime it is.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Kwame and Marion both after bush...

Wassup, Y'all!

I have to admit it. When I first peeped this glossy of the honorable mayor of Detroit, Boy King Kwame Kilpatrick, I thought it was actually a glossy of Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis - no lie. I was all like, 'Damn - Jam and Lewis are finally back in the mix!' Then I took a closer look and read the caption below and was all like, 'Damn. What's this fool up to now?'

As it turns out, it's really not about what the Boy King is up to now, rather it's about what he was up to when he was gettin' text freaky with his girl, former mayor Chief of Staff Christine Beatty (C-Beat). Turns out not only was Boy King gettin' text freaky behind his wife's back, he was givin' that same business to C-Beat by gettin' text freaky with other women behind her back. Dang! The list of women (not to mention the fine citizens of Motown) linin' up to whup Kwame's a$$ is gettin' longer by the minute, y'all...

But come on now! Is this new news a surprise to anybody? Boy King's been a player since way back. Add to that the ego and power trip that comes with being a big city mayor and it's a wonder this brother wasn't textin' come-ons to himself. Stuff like, 'From Kwame to Kwame: Damn Kwame, you know you one fine brother! To Kwame from Kwame: I know, right? I just can't help it. LOL!' You think Smooth Barack needs to be careful over in the Middle East? Please, just try and be Kwame strollin' down the center city Detroit these days. Word is a lot of missing bricks are just waiting for the right time to introduce themselves to the back of his head. LOL!

Now in sadder news, former Olympic sprinter Marion Jones (Mar-Jones! Who? Mar-Jones! Who?) who has been given the new first name of 'Disgraced' by the press, has reached rock bottom by abandoning any attempts at salvaging her dignity by reaching out to president Bush (G-Dub) for an end of term pardon. Man, that's low. First - do the crime, do the time. Second - a reach out to G-Dub? Mar-Jones would have more success reaching out to Clarence Thomas or Ward Connerly or Tony Soprano.

I doubt she gets a chance to feel that G-Dub love since his queue is gonna be pretty full with his own good ol boyz. And by the time Smooth's in a position to drop a pardon on her, she'll already be out. That's just bad timing, Mar-Jones - like your last few tries at the 100 meters without juice. Oh snap! Did I just type that out loud?

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty Covers The Dark Knight

Wassup, Y'all!

Summary review? Oh HELL yes.

Spinners? 3.5/4

Still recoverin' from that joint, y'all. It's all that and a bag of chips, a pack of Twizzler, two boxes of Milk Duds, a box of Junior Mints, two medium popcorns and the gallon sized Diet Coke. Meaning it was long (hence the missin' 1/2 Spinner) but the payoff was worth it. There was some SERIOUS a$$ whoopage going on or as ol Ty likes to say, some serious mischief and mayhem. Grand Theft Auto 4 ain't got a thing on The Dark Knight, y'all.

Ten point mini-review after the jump, spoiler free...

Ty fell through this joint with his boy 'Tini Mack and our Queens. Me and 'Tini are hard core comic book fans - the Queens? Not so much but they're always up for a little action but by the end of this one their doos where fried, dyed and to the side. Here's how ol Ty scored it:

1. Heather Ledger's Joker - off-the-chain. He'd give Hannibal Lecter the creeps
2. PG-13 rating? That was straight wrong. Grown folks were squirmin' in this one
3. Running time? At 2:30 minutes, it's about 30 minutes too long
4. Miss Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes? Nope. Maggie Gyllenhaal sounded just like her
5. Morgan Freeman was a bit under-utilized in this one. Michael Caine remains a perfect Alfred
   
6. The new Bat Cycle is just plain sick. I better get one for Christmas!!
7. Didn't catch the IMAX version but it's got to be insane with all that action footage
8. Ty STILL owes Christian Bale an apology for doubting he could play Batman.
9. Not sure what they can do to top this one but I'm willin' to wait 3 more years to see
10. Franchise is still intact

Extra: The upcoming James Bond flick, A Quantum of Solace, is lookin' hot too, y'all!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

DVR Alert: Black in America

Wassup, Y'all!

Two new episodes from CNN's highly regarded series Black in America debut this week, providing new opportunities for folks to get an objective view inside the southside nation (that includes you booshie negros up in Martha's Vineyard...). On Wednesday, July 23rd at 9 pm ET, the focus will be on 'The Black Woman and Family' (also known as 'The Southside Shorty & Fam' here in the Malone Zone). CNN breaks this episode down as an exploration of '...the varied experiences of black women and families and investigates the disturbing statistics of single parenthood, racial disparities between students and the devastating toll of HIV/AIDS...the progress of black women in the workplace and the status of the black middle class'.

Then on Thursday, July 24th at 9 pm ET, the focus shifts to 'The Black Man' (which truthfully should have been shot on location here in the basement, y'all, but that's just me...) to provide an evaluation of '...the state of black men in America and explores the controversial topics of black men and fatherhood; disparities between blacks and whites in educational, career and financial achievement; and factors leading to the dramatic rates of black male incarceration. The documentary also examines the achievements of black men and the importance of the positive influences of black fathers'.

Both episodes will be hosted by smooth shorty Soledad O'Brien, one of CNN's most ethnically diverse reporters (if she had married Tiger Woods, their kids would have qualified for the new racial category 'Global') so ol Ty is expecting two, well constructed, informative, thought provoking pieces. Kinda like my posts. We'll see if Soledad is able to bring the heat like ol Ty. Don't say I didn't let y'all know about this in PLENTY of time.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Race Divide Still Wide Open and Jesse Ain't Helpin'

Wassup, Y'all!

It seems our boy J-Jack had more to say on his 'hot mic moment' than just his desire to castrate Smooth Barack. Fox News has been cagey with the complete video from jump street, but somehow, via an inside job, Mediabistro's TVNewser got a hot copy of the transcript and quickly published the fact that not only did J-Jack wax violent about Smooth Barack's nuts, he also said that Smooth is 'telling ni##ers how to behave..'.

That hypocritical comment refers to Smooth's unrepentant decision to continue speaking out against absence fathers and for more self-accountability within the southside nation. Here's a clip from an MSNBC interview with BET's Jeff Johnson that seeks to put this n-word madness (and Jesse's willing use of it) into context. (Update: Sorry, y'all - that clip has expired since the Red Lasso service has been temporarily discontinued - my bad on that...)



It seems to me that all of Jesse's comments during his 'hot mic' moment are going to drop sooner or later anyway, so what's holding Fox back from just giving up the whole off-the-cuff discussion? To his credit, Rev. Al jumped on Jesse just as he would any other serial n-word abuser but I think it's time to park Jesse in whatever undisclosed location they parked Rev. J-Wright - out of sight, out of mind.

At any rate, I'm sure we'll be hearing more of that in the days to come, but what's already in the hopper is a recent New York Times/CBS News poll that shows - unsurprisingly - that Smooth's candidacy has done little to close the American racial divide...

I say unsurprisingly since ol Ty knows our racial feelings in this country run deep. Things continue to get better, but there's no better way to speed that process along than by folks gettin' to know one another better and to stop staying so isolated in their own sides, but until that day arrives, here's where we currently stand:

• Favorable opinion of Smooth
  
  • Southside: 80%, Northside: 30%
  
  
• Race relations generally bad
• Southside: ~60% yes, Northside: 34% yes


• Progress made eliminating racial discrimination?


• Southsiders: 40% none, Northsiders: less than 20%


• Too much made of racial barriers facing Southsiders?


• Southside: 50% no, Northside: 25% yes

True, a southside presidential candidate or president can go a long way toward dispelling misconceived notions about southsiders, but we won't see real progress until we all are a lot less nervous to mingle with players from the other side. As my boy 'Tini Mack and I observed the other day after he returned from a trip to Paris - France, y'all not Texas..tho the culture there can be equally foreign... - there is so much more that we have in common as people than things we don't.

We need to meet halfway on this y'all. In fact, there's a little bit of that going on here in the Malone Zone. Y'all have seen the comments from my boy D-Splash from TheDarkStuff.com. D-Splash is a northside homey from Nebraska who's been readin' The Urban Eye for more than a few - a blog that caters to the southside point of view. No one is forcin' him to read it. He reads it to get the southside view of things and he enhances the conversation by providing his northside view of things. We don't agree on everything but we respect each others views and learn from the expanded conversation. Ol Ty's got mad respect for D-Splash and that's an attitude we need more of. Read, learn, listen, challenge and respect. It ain't that hard, y'all. Really.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty PSA - Hoopty Tires

Wassup, Y'all!

I caught this story on 20/20 over my basement email wire. I missed the original airing so I thought I'd check it out since I'm not known to rotate the tires on the hoopty too frequently. In my impressionable days I used to believe that as long as a tire had enough tread to touch Abe Lincoln's head on an upside down penny, you were good for another 100,000 miles or so. Now I see the folly of my logic, y'all. The way 20/20 broke it down is that any tire that's 6 years old or older has a higher potential for 'tread separation' - no matter how good the tread looks on the tire...

Even after hearing that I was like 'So? All you need to do is pull over and change that joint like any other flat tire'. This is the type of attitude you get when you know everything like me, y'all. And it's a wonder that ol Ty isn't dead yet. In the piece they did a controlled experiment with a 'professional driver on a closed course' who knew his tire was about to go and when it did go, ol boy was still unable to control his ride and ended up crashing. The thing with tread separation vs. a regular blowout is that once the tread is off the tire, it's like riding on an ice cube - there's no grip.

Turns out that tire dealers sometime sell old a$$ tires as new and because the tread looks good and they've never been used, they look like brand new tires despite the fact that they've been manufactured back when Lionel Richie was big. The good news is that there's actually a manufacture date on each tire, but it's in code and sometimes on the *inner' wall of the tire where you'd need to get up under the car to read it.

Anyway, the story is short enough to take in over some coffee and that plate of cold chicken that mama left out for breakfast. If it's just you ridin' around in your hoopty and you're normally in there with a open 40 and a blunt with the windows rolled up - no need to watch - something else is gonna take you out. But if you're ridin' around with your boo, your kids, nieces or nephews and/or your mama, do the right thing, y'all - watch and learn.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The New Yorker Can Kiss Ty's A$$

Wassup, Y'all!

And 'Lizabeth Hasselbeck too - more on that in a minute. The only positive aspect of that whack a$$, 'satirical' New Yorker Magazine cover is that responsible folks from both sides have recognized it for what it is - a tasteless attempt at satire. Southsiders have also recognized it for what it is - one of many lowball cheap shots that will continue to come fast and furiously as the fall campaign heats up.

Ol Ty finds it interesting that on a day where Smooth Barack stood before the NAACP and essentially brushed aside Jesse Jackson's misgivings about him 'talkin' down' to southsiders (under the extreme threat of de-nutting no less...), on a day where he pledged to continue holding us (and when I say 'us' y'all know who y'all are...) to task for being responsible, we get an extreme example of irresponsible, visual Yellow Journalism...

Believe me, y'all - as a cat who knows a little bit about satire, I get the point of the cover, but to publish that cover in this type of political environment, one already charged by racial divisions and characterized by a large segment of ill-informed voters is at best foolish and at worst reckless. Y'all know the ill-informed voters to which ol Ty is referring. Those half wits recently polled by Newsweek magazine that broke this way - '26% said Obama was raised a Muslim, 39% said he attended an Islamic school and 12% said he was sworn in to the Senate on a Quran'. Yes, those half wits who still fail to realize that none of that is true. Those would be same half wits that will somehow figure out how to put that image on bedsheets, T-shirts, tattoos and bumper-stickers. When y'all see it in the streets just be responsible and think 'Half Wit'.

But peoples, let's not get it twisted. This is not a racist cartoon. It would have been racist if they had pictured 'Chelle and Smooth sittin' in the Oval Office in black face, with oversized lips, eatin' watermelon and fried chicken and sayin' 'Dat's some goooood a$$ chicken'. That's racist, y'all. This foolishness is actually an accurate snapshot of what's inside the minds of those who cling to guns and religion - the crew that turned out to be Sister Hillary's most dependable voting bloc and the crew that the Republicans plan to pander to through the fall election by continuing to explicitly and overtly spoon feed them just this type of misinformation about Smooth and 'Chelle. It's just that simple.

The real problem with the cover is that the satire of it can only be realized by actually reading the article that it relates to, which won't be done by the vast majority of people who see that cover. Ol Ty submits that most of that aforementioned voting bloc can't even read let alone afford a luxury like a copy of The New Yorker (that statement would be an example of satire, y'all) so the point is missed. All they'll take away is that cover image, which, in their minds, confirms what they believed about Smooth and 'Chelle all along. That's not helpful.

Finally, y'all know the girls from The View had to weigh in on this (I'm only watchin' it for Whoopi and Joy y'all) and they were all feelin' just like Ty...mostly. Of course you have that Republican Kool-aid drinkin' hater 'Lizbeth Hasselbeck chirpin' in about how she agrees that the cover is in poor taste and that it missed the point. The point, according to 'Lizbeth is how Smooth is a pandering, flip-flopper (unlike Citizen McCain...) who plans to pander his way straight to the Oval Office. How 'Chelle managed to do an episode of the show with that chick and not shoot her a$$ with her AK-47 just shows you how classy she is.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone