Buckwildin' in Brazil - Part II

Wassup, Y'all!

As you can see from the subject this is *Part Two* of this hard hitting investigative series. If you're fallin' through late, check Part One first before dipping you toes into this posting so you can follow along.

So how good can it get down in Rio for a homeboy whose confidence is shaken and stirred from frequent flame outs in the U.S. clubs? One brother broke it down like this: "There girls make you feel like a million dollars. They stroke the hell out of your ego. I have a 20-year-old who cooks and cleans for me and treats me like a god. I don't get that from Rosy Palms in America." That's pretty strong stuff, homeys...

But wait - there's more! An enterprising brother who moved to Rio full time to run a tour company that provides 'tour packages' for the upper echelon of the homeboys flocking down stated: "Women here are not trying to be equal to their men." He claims his Brazilian wifey hooks him up with breakfast in bed *erry* morning and won't let him bust a sud when clean up comes around. It seems this is the Eden-like vision that keeps the U.S. / Brazil pipeline stocked with homeboys from every walk of life - single, married, heathen, saved, white collar, blue collar, no collar. That and Snoop and Pharrell's feel good 'Beautiful' video that let's Brazilian women know that they are 'special girls' (and lets southside homeboys know that there are 'special girls' in Rio...)

But just when you thought the fantasy couldn't get bigger, a bucket of ice water gets thrown into the mix in the form of Brazil's eye catching AIDS/HIV stats (not to mention the fact that none of this treatment comes for free unless you jump the broom with one of these shortys...). Cobb points out that a 2004 UN report on AIDS clocked the number of cases in Brazil at 660,000! Granted that's only 0.3% of Brazil's total population but guess which segment likely makes up the majority of that figure? Sure you can wrap that rascal (a couple times) before getting busy (especially since most Brazilian working girls insist on this) but that's a *jacked up* thought to have in the back of your mind when you get a Brazilian shorty back to the spot. Viagra/Levitra/Cialis/Elmer's Glue might help counteract the effects of this bogus mental picture but ol Blue won't be there to hold your hand when you're opening the results of your AIDS test after your raincoat ruptures one night after some buck wild boot knocking...

Also homeys, beware that what's good for the goose is equally good for the gander (aka your boo chilling back at the crib). Cobb's article also contains an anonymously penned sidebar that itemizes how shortys are getting their swerve on 'gratis' (as in *free*, dummy) down in Jamaica with the Rasta Bways. Apparently Jamaica is chock full of grooves waiting to get back with their shorty owners. Similarly, these brothers are willing to do many of the things we seem to be unwilling to do - namely making frequent runs downtown to make sure all grooves are in their upright and locked positions and that they return safely back to the states with their shorty owners. Here too, shortys that partake in this type of ruckus cross all the economic demographic boundaries.

So Rio, like most things that are too good to be true, can seduce you with those green-eyed, junk-trunked, caramel skinned Brazilian sirens, but just like the mythical sirens who lured sailors to watery fates on the sharp rocks near shore, Brazilian shortys come with their own set of warning lights (impressive as they may be...). Proceed with caution, homeys cuz all may not be as 'Beautiful' as it seems...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Buckwildin' in Brazil - Part I

Wassup, Y'all!

My fault y'all for lunching the last few days and not getting my normal posts out, but I think you'll enjoy what I've been cooking up. It's a multi-parter that brings back those warm feelings you felt when you first peeped Snoop and Pharrell's 'Beautiful' video and asked yourself, 'Self ? Where was I when they cast that bad boy on location in BRAZIL??

Recently, I was sippin' some Green Tea and perusing the mag rack the other day and somehow found myself drawn to the September 2006 issue of Essence Magazine. Not because Beyonce was primpin' on the cover (what cover isn't ol girl primpin on these days?) but because of the provocative cover headline: Secret Sex Vacations - The Guys-only Getaway Black Men don't want you to know about. Oh snap! I figure that's worth a 5 minute peep. 56 hours later, mama's still tryin'to pry that magazine out of my hands...

Of course, given the opening glossy, the 'Getaway' destination is the land that gave us the thong bikini and it's obligatory Brazilian wax to go with it - hallowed Rio De Janeiro - and the hedonistic mural Dr. William Jelani Cobb paints in his open-homeboy-playbook article, "Blame it on Rio" is nothing short of jaw dropping. Not because of the off-the-hook shenanigans going on down there but because of the sheer, undercover scale of southside homeboys partaking in Rio's legendary sex-trade (Homeboy alert! Now that this is in Essence, chances are you'll now need a new code word for Rio like 'Madison, Wisconsin' - as in 'Bad news baby, I have to go to *Madison, Wisconsin* for the week on business'...)

Given my basement digs, Ol Ty has never been blessed to dip his...toe in the surf of Ipanema Beach but I do have several homeboys who made the trip and instantly put Rio on their 'replay' list, returning there as frequently as their endz and fractured Portugese would allow. The pictures they shared upon their return made web porn look like swim time at the retirement home by comparison. In fact, the pictures were so buck wild I was instantly fascinated *and* intimidated by the thought of fallin' through that joint my damn self.

Cobb's article lays it all out, y'all - southside homeys flocking to Rio in droves to take advantage of an environment that lets them enjoy perks exclusively reserved for the rich and famous homeboys (even if they look like Flava Flav. Flava, I'm not hatin', cousin. I'm just statin') here in the States - namely being jocked by packs of Dimes (aka foine shortys) in every club you go to. Dimes who are capable of not only pegging the Malone Zone Shorty Damn Meter, but nuking that bad boy to bits with a wink and a smile.

Picture if you will Scenario #1 - A Homeboy's Normal U.S. Club Reception:

You spot a foine shorty at the bar sippin' demurely on a topped off Cosmo. You approach. She spots you approaching and holds out a palm as you break within four feet and says 'no' before you even pop the question... *sigh*

According to Cobb, here's the Rio Scenario:

You step into the club and take a seat. Before your a$$ hits the seat cushion *three* Leilia Archieri look alikes snuggle in next to you and begin lettin' you know how much they're feelin' you and how they'd love for you to hit it if you have the time. Daaaaamn...

Sure they're also looking to separate you from your chedda (as prostitution is legal in Brazil), but compare that outlay to the similar one you're already forking over to your therapist who's helping you get over your rejection and low self-esteem issues accrued at all those U.S. clubs over all those years Hmmmmm...

Plenty more to cover y'all as we dissect this one! Coming up - how good it can get, how bad it can get and why Snoop and Pharrel have a *big* hand in the current flow of homeboys way south of the border... Hit me back Wednesday for Part Deux, y'all.

In the meanwhile, feel free to cop a listen to NPR's take on this ruckus. My boy DLT was kind enough to forward this link about a week back before I even peeped the Essence article. As coincidence would have it, it's an interview between Ed Gordon and no other than our boy William Jelani Cobb, recorded August 14, 2006 appropriately titled Black Men and Sex Tourism in Brazil. In between time, I'll be shopping for an English/Portugese dictionary...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Bin Laden Feeling Whitney?

Wassup, Y'all!

I know this topic has been blogged on ad infinitum since the news broke, but when have you known that to stop me? First you can thank me for hooking up Whitney with a pre-crack glossy - that's how I like to remember ol girl best. When she was foine and healthy (still a little on the skinny side even way back then). I can only imagine that's the last picture that Osama Bin Laden has of ol girl as well. How else to explain his alledged infatuation with a woman who now makes those fabled $10 El Paso streetwalkers look like the next stable of talent on America's Top Model...

Y'all sure don't need me for the actual factuals of the story - hit the link for that ruckus. I'm here to pose a couple 'after the fact' questions to understand just what OBL is thinking about. OBL! With alllllll the other foine shortys walking around over here, dude how can you be feeling Whitney Houston? I know you've seen the tabloid glossys and heard the nearly unrepeatable story of how Bobby Brown needed to help ol girl with a 'difficult bowel movement'. OBL, dude that could have been you wrapped up in the funk instead of chilling in your spot watching CNN and planning your next public tongue lashing of GW.

I admit I never saw this coming. My money was on him coming in to break up Star Jones' little homegirl honeybunch since he was a member of her wedding party, but this? Just goes to show that money can't buy taste, class or social manners. Since OBL was alledgely quoted (after viewing a glossy of Whitney in braids) saying: "only monkeys" did that, I had to find my way down to Winky's Corner Store to start passing the hat so we can up the bounty on his a$$ another million. OBL - I got your monkey right here, homey.

Despite all the crackin', Whitney, even ol Ty has your back on that foul ruckus...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

TiVo Alert! Spike Lee's Katrina Joint

Wassup, Y'all!

Quick hit to remind y'all not to forget that Spike Lee's "When The Levees Broke", his 4-hour documentary on the aftermath of Hurrican Katrina in New Orleans, will be aired on HBO this week. The first two parts will air *tonight* (Monday, 8/21) at 9pm ET and parts three and four will air *tomorrow night* (Tuesday, 8/22) at 9pm ET. It will be replayed in its entirety next Wednesday night, August 29th at 8:00pm ET. If you still haven't seen this joint by then first, apply a self-adminstered mama neck smack on yourself, then look for replay showings throughout the month of September on HBO and HBO2. Take notes so you can compare them to ol Ty's expert analysis which will soon follow.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Monday Crackbacks - 8/21/06

Wassup, Y'all!

This week's crackbacks feature Rick Fox (who I know is still missing Vanessa...) figuring out how to stay typecast, our favorite southside TV republican Carlton Banks following Vivica Fox into reality TV, idle wondering about why Janet Jackson's booty looks 'enhanced' and after a long hard look I think I've finally found a southsider to step up and drop some serious chedda on the African continent - 'bout time!...

After being typcast as a basketball player in everything from Blue Chips to He Got Game, word is Rick Fox is being *seriously* type cast in the appropriately named FX drama 'Dirt'...

Dang - first Vivica Fox, now my boy Carlton is getting sucked into the reality TV vortex as he gets ready to jump into FOX's upcoming reality show Celebrity Duets. What? I have to admit that it sounds like this show is lining up some serious talent to stock the other side of the 'duets', but still. I always thought Alphonso Ribiero was better than that - homeboy is genuinely talented but I guess the Hollywood game is tougher than 250,000 out of work actors would indicate...

Apparently the threat of indecency fines that are tapping half a mil aren't enough to scare CBS since they booked our boy Prince to handle the February 7th Superbowl halftime show - I'm assuming the NFL hasn't heard 'Darling Nikki' or seen the other half of his wardrobe that include a pair of purple pants with the a$$ out...

Janet letting it all hang out on the cover of Vibe magazine but 1) do we want to see it (I'm still thinking yes...) and 2) Seems to me that if you drop 60 lbs you'd be losing weight from all areas but riddle me this Batman, where'd all that booty come from recently? Whispers are flying that all that junk is just that, junk inserted to plump up a backside that may have been on the slide. Man, did Beyonce set a trend or what?

Senator George Allen is trying to get to yoooooou and that macaca. Ahhh, another precious moment from a politician who, though a United States Senator, uses a word he claims he doesn't know the meaning off. Kinda of scary for a guy who is thinking of running for President but then again Bush got in... Still it's kinda hard to play off calling a person of color a macaca (aka monkey) and then claiming not to know what macaca means...duh.

Southsiders are finally starting to represent in Africa. Y'all know from time to time you'll hear me jibber-jabbering about how it seems that forward looking northsiders (Bono, Angelina, Bill and Malinda) are taking the lead on helping out the population on the African continent. I'm sure not hatin' on that but I am wondering where we are on that. So it's good to see my boy Dikembe Mutombo stepping up with a thick slice of his chedder...

The beat goes on with the legal challenges to the 'Redskin' team nickname. Interesting though that non Native Americans still contend (as well as courts with no Native American representation) that no evidence has been found to indicate that the term Redskin disparages Native Americans (despite the challenger's view that the word is "pejorative, derogatory, denigrating, offensive, scandalous, contemptuous, disreputable, disparaging and racist..." to Native Americans). Now I can't claim to be a brain surgeon but I would guess that if you walked onto any reservation in the country and yelled to a gathering of young, Native American males, "Hey Redskin, could you come here a second?" that you'd still be crawling around on the ground looking for the rest of your teeth. On the other hand, I kinda like this glossy which I'm sure no one else will find offensive...Get your fly gear right here...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Alicia Keys Holding Her Goodies TIGHT!

Wassup, Y'all!

What's this ruckus? A couple days ago I bumped into a few blog postings talking about Alicia Keys who admitted in the September issue of Sister 2 Sister magazine that she made her current boyfriend, Kerry 'Krucial' Brothers, wait 365 days before giving up the goodies! As in 1 calendar year. As in 1 orbit of the earth around the sun. As in now you see it, now come back in 12 months. As in daaaammmn. You know I couldn't walk away from this news without just a little commentary...

While participating in Big Tigger's 5th Annual Celebrity Classic - a jammy-jam geared toward raising awareness and funds for the HIV/AIDS pandemic, Alicia said in an interview: "I made him wait a year because my body is too beautiful to be violated by someone who doesn't deserve it." Hmmmm...I'd have to agree with the first part but it's interesting how a homeboy's worthiness builds as sex-free days accrue like sand at the bottom of an hour glass...

The article gives Alicia's take on 'How to Get A Man Worth Keeping' and I'm thinking with this type of relationship prerequisite the article should really be title 'Why I can't Keep a Man' until I remembered we are taking about Alicia... So that gets me to thinking whether my shallow a$$ could step up to such a demand if it was dropped on me after the first date. Hmmmmm...

Alicia went on to say, "Make these dudes wait. If they can't wait, then you already know what they want from you and walk away." Now I'm like uh oh, this is starting to make a *little* bit of sense. And finally when asked about what girls today are learning from TV and especially a lot of the hip hop videos out today, she took the gloves off and showed where her real feelings were coming from on this by saying, "All it shows us [girls] is to be frivolous, to be promiscuous, to be fast, to don't think before we move, to be stupid, to be silly. We need to change that...". Okay, now I am feeling shallow, especially since I have a biddy-boy niece in her formative years.

All I can say is that 'Krucial' has got to be made of that stuff that Special Forces soldiers have that allow them to withstand brutal torture if caught behind enemy lines because that's pretty much what that amounts too - particularly if homeboy got an opportunity to actually see what he was missing (and you figure that after a year of dating ol boy had to at least see her hop out the shower a couple times - if not, you dummy!)

Now I admit there were some shortys in my dating past that dropped a similar demand but those timeframes were relatively short (e.g. 3-6 months) in comparison to Alicia's are-you-serious timeframe. Even those demands gave me a moment pause and gave me ample opportunity to sharpen my negotiation skills ('Three months!? How 'bout twelve days + a weekend a month?'). I know I'm triflin', y'all but I can admit it.

Anyway, the only picture I have of Krucial during that year is a remake of that scene from Spike Lee's 'She's Gotta Have it' where Mars Blackmon was pleadin' 'Please, baby, baby, please' cuz you know ol boy had to be beggin'. Still, I have agree with C&D's take on this situation - it does send a good message to the little shortys out there. Also, I've got nothing but love for Krucial for keepin' his eye on the prize and knuckling up. It could be worse, I hear Stedman is still waiting for the green light from Oprah...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Uh Oh Anna Diggs Taylor!

Wassup, Y'all!

Little off task this morning, y'all but I had to comment on this ruckus. Now you *know* the water's gonna get hot for southside judicial shorty U.S. District Judge Anna Diggs Taylor who, by ruling yesterday that the NSA's warrantless surveillance is unconstitutional, is gonna be on the business end of some serious, coal-hearted conservative wrath. You know how they do - if it's got anything to do with GW, it's got to be right (pun intended). I guess that would include mediocre academic achievement, but I digress...

Man, you think the liberals have got some jacked up photos on Condi on the web, wait until those grinchy conservatives sink their fangs into this one. Got to give shorty Anna her props though, she didn't care! Guess you don't get to be a U.S. District Judge for nothing. Two snaps up homegirl for not hearing that noise, but I suggest steering clear of conservative radio talk shows and blogs until after the midterm elections as 'activist judge' will likely be the kindest thing they'll call you. It'll be all about character assassination rather than staying on point and arguing the merits of the program's constitutionality. See? Stay strong, homegirl!

...And for those grinchy conservative who may be tempted to comment and blast my a$$ too - don't get it twisted. I'm all for surveillance of this type as long as there's judicial oversight - this warrantless nonsense is just that nonsense. There's a reason for checks and balances...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Blade's 'Sticky' Jones takes a bite out of crime...

Wassup, Y'all!

Got caught by the rule of three yesterday (when I see three different things about the same thing within a month I have to post on it - it's like one of those grandmama superstitions like throwing salt over your left shoulder...) when I read an article in Entertainment Weekly by Gillian Flynn ('Plenty of Bite' - July 28, 2006) about the newest incarnation of the daywalking, vampire killer Blade. I had just watched my first episode on Spike TV as I had heard pretty good things about it and I'm a fan of the movie version starring Blackula himself - Wesley Snipes. Now Wesley handled his business as Blade so I wanted to see if the TV Blade - Kirk 'Sticky' Jones could hold it up as well - 'specially with a name like Sticky...

I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised, y'all. The action's good and Sticky is a good fit for Wesley's movie shoes so I may have to put Blade: The Series on regular TiVo rotation for a few. Initially I had my doubts about Sticky after watching him in the FX original series Over There - a joint about the Iraq war (since cancelled but I liked that joint too - hence the cancellation...). Sticky played a homeboy wannabe thug from the mean streets dropped in the middle of that Baghdad ruckus. Mostly he did a lot of mean mugging while trying to do as little productive as possible. Turns out all that mean mugging practice worked out as that's Blade's forte, jack.

I also wasn't too surprised to find out in the article that his cousin is Fredro Starr cuz those two look just alike. Y'all know Fredro - think of the typical stereotypical rapper/ soldier and a picture of Fredro should materialize right in your head. If not, here go a glossy of cousin to help with the recollection. He does his fair share of mean mugging in every role he plays too, which makes me wonder what Sticky's moms looks like day to day, since I'm one who believes that shortys should never be out in public mean mugging. Tell me I'm lying - in Fredro's next three roles his character names are Phya, J-Dub and Clem. Look into his recent past and you'll see character names like 6Pak, Ice Pick, Ice Cold, and Pharaoh. See what I'm saying? If you look closely you'll see Fredro is really spelled G-H-E-T-T-O. But I digress...

Anyway, it looks like Sticky has a semi-hit on his hands. Hopefully it works out a little better than his rap career with Onyx (y'all know his mama didn't name him no damn Sticky so there *had* to be a rap career somewhere in there...) where he busted on the scene in '93 as Sticky Fingaz with Fredro and a couple other petty criminals boyz from Queens. Since you homeboys know you're already over on Spike TV checking out such educational shows as Blind Date, you might as well give Sticky a peep Wednesday nights at 10 pm ET and draw your own Stickly/Wesley conclusions...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Big Ups to 3 Black Chicks...

Wassup, Y'all!

Ordinarily here in the Malone Zone that subject would read 'Big Ups to 3 Southside Shortys' but sometimes a homey just has to conform. Anyway, I'd like to send a big shout out to my homegirls over at 3blackchicks.com right quick since they were nice enough to show ol Ty some love and feature a feed to The Urban Eye on their website. Those frequent readers will note I've been a supporter of 3BC for more than a few now (since I'm a *big* movie fan), ever since one of my boyz hipped me to their movie review site back in the day. I know you've come to fiend on *my* movie reviews from time to time, but I'm more like a guy who slept at a Holiday Inn Select last night when compared to Diva, Bams and Cass...

If you search around the web you'll see that those three have been handling their review business for a long while and even mingle with the beautiful people from time to time as movie reviewers do. So if you're tapped out on Ebert and Roeper (Ebert's pretty cool but that Roeper seems pretty damn hard to please. I surmise it might be due to Roger clinchin' with a southside shorty but that's just me....) and want a fresh take on the movies, drop in on 3BC and let them know I sent you over.

In the meantime, I'll be waiting on Diva to hook me up with some premier tickets to Snakes on a Plane...though that could be pushing my luck...but hey - a brother's got to try. Samuel and motherfu#$ing snakes? Man - that's money...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Monday Crackbacks - 8/14/06

Wassup, Y'all!

This week's crackbacks feature MTV2 being all kinds of polically incorrect with an animated episode featuring Snoop Dogg walking two southside shortys around on a leash, Christina Milian taking girlfriend snooping to 'Mission Impossible' levels and Miss Alicia Keys generating enough heat to start 'Smoking' in her upcoming movie...

Looks like our girl Vivica Fox has officially decended to C list celebrity status as she confirms that she'll be the 'movie star' on the upcoming revolution of ABC's ballroom dancing joint 'Dancing with the Stars'. You know about where your career is when you need to go on a show that like this and ol girl seems to be doing everything possible to remain relevant...

Now here I was thinking I'd about heard it all with respect to shortys snooping into a homeboys business to see if he's really on the up and up. Having shorty girlfriend operatives posted at choice locations, accidently finding last month's phone bill in the trash can while emptying the trash, etc. Now word reaches the basement that Christina Milian went all high-tech and hacked into (former) boyfriend Nick Cannon's T-Mobile account to confirm he had been 'texting' other shortys (Nick - see what happens when you chose those corny passwords like 'Nick1'? Dummy...). Seems that Christina also found out that Eastern Europe also needs a little diversity training...

I admit that Snoop Dogg's tacky a$$ started this ruckus in the first place by having two southside shortys who accompanied him to the 2003 VMA's on leashes, but now MTV2 has taken that nonsense to a whole new level with its 'Woofie Loves Snoop' episode of its Where My Dogs At? animated series which a "character dubbed Snoopathon Dogg Esquire walks into a pet store accompanied by two bikini-clad beauties on leashes. The women, both African-American, then get on all fours and scratch themselves. By the episode's end, the "bitches" defecate on the floor and a member of Snoopathon's posse is seen scooping up the excrement with a rubber glove." What?? Oh, I know someone's gettin' fired over that one...

Looks like a seriously dramatic turn for hot musical shorty Alicia Keys - check out the trailer to her upcoming flick 'Smoking Aces' over on C&D where she plays an assassin. This joint is looking hyper-violent but Alicia's lookin' good, y'all (no news there...) and you can't miss her in the clip - she's the one giving you the finger at the end...

Speaking of movies - the Outkast flick Idlewild is looking hot (and the soundtrack is sounding even hotter). I caught Andre 3000 on 106 & Park a few days back doing subliminal advertising for it by mentioning that the joint opens on August 25th about 32 times, but with a cast that features Terrence Howard (playing his typical permanent wearing, tough guy role...), Ving Rhames, Ben Vereen, Cicely Tyson, Patti LaBelle, and a bunch of young southside up and comers like Malinda Williams (Bird formerly of Showtime's Soul Food), I ain't hatin', y'all...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Condi still down with OPP...

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, what's it got to be like to be my girl Condoleeze Rice these days? Shuttling back and forth between the U.S. and the Middle East - ever the loyal soldier for the OPP (Other Political Party) and GW in particular no matter the situation *and*, in a lesson for my less disciplined southside shortys, she always manages to keep her doo in check. Ol girl is always so fresh and so clean despite her location or situation. At least she's a role model in that department but it's got to be tough to be on the receiving end of so much hostility both foreign and domestic...

If you don't think that Condi is widely reviled despite her top notch pedigree, spend a few minutes surfing the Web and check out the pictures posted of ol girl. She's taking hits from all sides, y'all - the southsiders who consider her a sellout, the Democrats who consider her a GW minion and the rest of the world which considers her...a GW minion. Take for example the Palestinian President who used a number of racist terms to refer to Condi. I think 'black spinster' is the most creative. As far as the southside nation, who do you think posted this tacky glossy of ol girl (although that tight Photoshopping makes me a little suspicious...)? But, to paraphrase Maya Angelou, still she rises.

So now here she is, the face of American foreign policy with a world, that if it's not on fire, it's seriously smoldering and, as my boy DLT put it, she could be the only thing between relative peace and World War III. How's she working off that stress? I can't even begin to imagine but here's a companion glossy which shows how happy one brother is that he doesn't have to find out. Yes, y'all - ol Colin Powell is *still* making all the right moves....

At any rate, despite my feelings for the current administration and her intimately close ties to it, I have to give ol girl her propers for knuckling up and showing up for work every day clean and pressed. But if I had one wish for Condi it would be that she pull a 'Colin' and ditch GW while the ditching is good. Homegirl, there's plenty of time to repair your image - at least with the southsiders who even gave OJ a hug before kicking him back to the curb. Just in case, I have your resignation photo almost ready to go. I just need a couple more minutes to Photoshop your hand so it shows you giving the finger as you leave the Oval Office...just a thought, homegirl. Hit me back with your thoughts...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Clarett to Star in Longest Yard Remake!

Wassup, Y'all!

You know that's got to happen - for real - at the rate this brother is going. Maurice, WTF, dude? Now word has reached the basement that being up on charges of aggravated robbery wasn't enough for this young brother who just four loooong years ago was the toast of Ohio State football and the NCAA Division I National Championship game. Now at the tender age of 22, Clarett adds leading the police on a car chase, getting maced and yolked in a restaurant parking lot and (though out on $20K bail) having four concealed weapons in his hoopty. Talk about Baby Face Nelson...

When y'all hear your parents refer to 'touble magnets', now you know what they're talking about. On the real tip, if you took a look at all the ruckus this brother was in even before being suspended by Ohio State for numerous bricka-brack, it's not like you couldn't see all this coming. Despite all this, there is a little ray of sunshine for MC. Once he hits the pen and the warden puts together a squad of inmates to scrimmage against the guards, the cons will have a tight backfield with a one, two punch featuring MC and Lawrence Phillips...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Don't The Doorknob hit you...

Wassup, Y'all!

No doubt the fact that Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman's primary loss will dominate the headlines tomorrow, but in the southside nation, I think the bigger (and certainly more welcome news) is that the good citizens of Georgia *finally* saw the light and gave that knucklehead Cynthia McKinney the boot as well. Rejoice southsiders - no more cringing when her name gets brought up in mixed company! Now if we could just do something about Condi (more on ol girl in an upcoming post)...

Just like a favorite TV show that 'jumps the shark', I'm theorizing that C-Mac fell out of favor when the braid came out and she decided to go with the untrained doo. I know, I know - the shortys will be hatin' me for this theory but come on now! You know homeboys like to see at least a little hair management going on. Why do you think you always see the scarf and curlers shortys walking on the sidewalk or driving by themselves (yes, even you Oprah)? See what I'm saying - hair management, y'all and C-Mac must have been thinking that her Congressional membership pin gave her a pass from pushing up on a Capitol policeman. As my boy Malcom put it so eloquently, this was just a case of the chickens coming home to roost. Maa fact, a few of them are probably making a nice home in C-Mac's doo...

Big shout out to Georgia's 4th Congressional District! Good lookin' out, y'all. Good lookin' out.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Monday Crackbacks - 8/7/06

Wassup, Y'all!

This week's crackbacks feature Flava Flav putting the finishing touches on his second harem of hotties (which is music to my boy Cat Daddy's ears), Vivica thinking folks want to hear her talk, Beyonce admits her kissing technique needs help and Jamie Foxx is ready to drink Halle's bathwater. Who does that that brother think he is? He needs to get his butt in line behind everybody else (including her current boyfriend)...

Cinematical gave a nice shoutout to Carl Brasher (1931-2006) - the first black U.S. Navy diver and the inspiration for Men of Honor, in which he was portrayed by Cuba Gooding, Jr. He died recently in Richmond, VA, of respiratory and heart failure. If you're looking for a good evening of entertainment, check out the Men of Honor DVD and see what kind of ruckus this brother had to go through just to serve his country...

The probe beat goes on with Biggie's murder investigation (and presumably Tupac's) Now in it's 9th year, it's hip-hop's version of the Kennedy assassination without the grassy knoll...and Kennedy...

Ruben Studdard's ready to drop dead, some weight his sophmore album! Man, hopefully 'The Velvet Teddy Bear' will learn a little something from Luther's tragic, untimely passing and back away from those honeybutter biscuits...

Headline: Baby gets a $500K grill! Now as ridiculous as that sound, that would actually be the rapper Brian 'Baby' Williams who decided he needed to 'upgrade his grill game' by going through four hours of dentistry to get a set of diamond encrusted uppers and lowers. $500K. For a grill. Damn homey - didn't Oprah just do a couple shows on the state of education in America and highlight our run down inner city schools?? Dude, keep the uppers and cash in those lowers and spread that $250K 'jury' money around for the kids...

Maybe Ice Cube needs to include our boy Baby in the conversation while he's getting salty (rightly so, by the way) with the Governator's lack of attention to inner city issues...

Beyonce needs some kissing lessons? Jay-Z - you could have called me, man. That was one of my majors in college (hence my current basement living arrangement...). Word on the street is that Beyonce is getting dead surious about her acting in her upcoming role in Dreamgirls (is that a collective sigh of relief I hear from my peeps who peeped ol girl in Austin Powers Goldmember and The Pink Panther) - who knew ol girl was *this* serious?? And who is the lucky homey who helped her practice busting a slob? And why couldn't Jigga hova Jay-Z handle that business for her? Drop me a comment, Jay!

hmmm - Katina Taylor is filing for divorce from Miami Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor. Could be sticky with her brother Zack Taylor still in the Dolphin locker room. With three kids I'm expecting the child support payments to resemble something like what Kanye said in Goldigger: His baby momma's car's crib is bigger than his. You will see him on TV Any Given Sunday. Win the Superbowl and drive off in a Hyundaiiiiii (Jason, homey I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin')

'Ugly Betty' update! After proppin' my girl Vanessa Williams last week as a player in this new fall comedy, word has reached the basement that production has temporarily halted on the show to touch up some of the scripts to match the promise of the pilot. Since ABC is still proppin' the show with promos ol Ty won't panic. 'Specially since this type of doctoring worked well with one of my other shows...

Only in America - Flava Flav returns with an all new harem in Season 2 of Flavor of Love a reality show where 20 women via for Flava's affection. I find this interesting since Flava is banned from every mirror store in the country due to spontaneous breakage whenever he appears... Last season’s 90-minute "Flavor of Love" finale made VH1 history by becoming the network's top rated telecast of all time. What?

The Pussycat Dolls are cribbing TLC's mojo by being featured in a new reality show to find a seventh member of the girl group. I could have sworn that I just saw this joint but it was called R U The Girl and T-Boz and Chilli where looking for a replacement for Left Eye... Sounds like grand larceny to me...probably watch it for educational purposes though...

Vivica's talking talk show, y'all. I got two words for that - Tyra Banks. Now I know Tyra is foine and all but her talk show is WHACK! Now picture a talk show equally whack but you don't have Tyra to look at - that show would be called the Vivica Fox Show. TV execs - Just Say No...

Sometimes you don't know when Jamie Foxx is frontin' or not, but now here comes homeboy claiming that Halle Berry can get him to give up his alley cat ways. Mama always says - be careful what you wish for as Halle's dating track record is a little less suspect than her driving ability....


Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Tiger Doin' it REAL Big...

Wassup, Y'all!

A few posts ago I made mention of how my boy Tiger Woods could make a grown man cry with his exploits on the links. Now after getting a peep of his financial status (which has placed him on top of Sports Illustrated's Fortunate 50 list for the *third* straight year), ol boy's got me crying all over again with his mind boggling annual earnings. All I have to say is 1) Daaaaaammmmmnnnn and 2) Michael Jordan, eat your heart out, homey cuz you ain't never seen chedder like this...

As you peruse the list you'll see a 'fortunate' collection of golf, basketball, football and baseball stars but no one come close to touching the rarified air of Tigro who clocked in at a you-gotta-be-frickin-kidding-me $97 million dollars. Chew on that figure for a second. 30 years old...$97 million dollars...damn. And just when you come to grips with that damn foolishness (yes, y'all there's a little hatin' goin' on in the basement today!) folks are pointing out that since the beginning of his pro golf career he's earned more than $500 million or, put another way, half a billion dollars. Sports writers say he's a lock to be both the first $100 million a year athelete and the first $1 billion dollar career athelete. That just don't make any damn sense... Suddenly 'Michael Jordan' money seems like grade school lunch money.

So what's a guy to do who's legend and endorsement list grows everyday (an endorsement list that includes Nike Golf, American Express, Tag Hauer watches, Buick, EA Sports and Accenture - those Tag Hauer watches are tight!)? Why hook up some accoutrements of course like a hot, blonde, Swedish bikini model wife, a $22 million dollar yacht called 'Privacy', and four different cribs (which I have yet to see on MTV Cribs - stop hatin' MTV!) including the newest, a $38 million, 10 acre joint in FL. You have to know that ol boy's probably got every cool tech gadget known to man and yet, he still hasn't gotten caught up in it all. He could be mailing it in by now since he's set for a couple lifetimes, but it's clear he wants his name at the top of every major golf record there is before he rides his golf cart into the sunset.

Even more amazing is that he's pulling of this financial mugging by playing GOLF! Meaning he can keep making major golf money for at least another decade or more.

Did I already say 'Damn'? I'm not hatin', I'm just statin'...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Kevin Hill's Groundhog Day

Wassup, Y'all!

Shorty Alert (yes, from time to time I will hook y'all up with a *few* actual factuals skewed to your demographic - you're welcome). Look what the cat dragged in. Fresh off the cancellation of his previous UPN series Kevin Hill (which I liked), Taye Diggs is back on the small screen in a new ABC series called 'Day Break'. First, kudos TD for managing to step up a major network and second, dude - I know you have to have a role in that joint for my girl Michael Michelle...

TVSquad.com copped a preview DVD of the pilot and dropped the following show summary:

Taye Diggs plays Brett Hopper, a cop who quickly learns he's been framed for the murder of an Assistant District Attorney. He's apprehended and booked at the station, as a murder weapon
was found at his place. While in jail that night, he's stolen away to meet those who want him to take the fall for the murder. That's when things get strange, when he wakes up in bed again on the same morning, reliving the day once again. And then again. We don't learn why, we don't learn how, and we don't learn what Hopper must do to make this day stop repeating.

Okay freeze that, Peabo. How many southside homeys do you know with a name like 'Brett Hopper'? Come on now ABC - Brett? Hopper? Why not just call him Ronald Reagan? Or Orrin Hatch? All you had to do was hit me in the basement and I would have hooked you up quick fast and in a hurry with some appropriate southside tags like Tyrone Jenkins or LaTyrone Jackson or DeMarcus Malone - it ain't rocket science, y'all.

Anyway, the plot's a straight twist from that Bill Murray joint Groundhog Day. Man, think about how cool that would be to get a chance to repeat the same day (for about a week or two). You could curse your boss out and still have your job the next day. Eat four dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts and still be on your low carb diet the next day. Rob a bank, blow the money and still be a law abiding citizen the next day. The possibilities are endless. I'm interested to see how TD will play it - especially when he can be a cad with the shortys and still get play from them the next day. Forget all that murder ruckus.

The joint is due to debut Wednesday, November 15 at 9PM ET (and then they'll show the same episode every day until you figure out how to stop it...)

Peace@Least,

Tyrone