Friday, January 01, 2010

The Tiger Saga Part 1: Tiger, The Male Ho

Wassup, Y'all!
Outside of a boatload of Ty Sweet Tweets, ol Ty has kept his expansive thoughts on Tiger Woods to himself. After some rumination and cogitation in the wake of Tiger's slowly unfolding train wreck, I'm thinkin' it's high time I weigh with my thoughts. But since y'all know me, there's no way I can break it all down into a single post that my short attention span readers can effectively soak up so I'm hookin' you up with a hard hittin' three part expose that focuses on Tiger, his wife and his ho's mistresses. So let's get started with the man himself - Tigro, the golfing gigolo...

First, a little perspective. Tiger didn't conspire to kill anybody (that would be former NFL player Rae Carruth). Tiger didn't drink and drive and kill somebody (that would be NFL player Donte Stallworth among *many* others). Tiger didn't beat any women (that would be NBA player Jason Kidd among *many* others). Tiger didn't throw anyone through a plate glass window while hanging out at a bar (that would be former NBA player and current Tiger homeboy Charles Barkley). Tiger didn't get caught with 388 POUNDS of marijuana within a span of five weeks (that would be former NFL player Nate Newton).

What Tigro did do is have consensual sex with A LOT of fine skanky suspect women (tho allegedly FAR fewer than the 20,000 that Wilt, the Stilt bedded) and A LOT of that ruckus occurred *after* he was married. So, realistically here's the list of folk who really need to be mad at Tiger: (1) Mrs. Tiger, (2) Tiger's in-laws, (3) Tiger's mama, (4) Tiger's endorsement partners. That's about it, y'all. If you didn't see your name on the list, you probably have some business of your own you need to be more concerned about but let's dig into this a bit more anyway, shall we?

Now accurate details on this jibber-jabber have been hard to come by. Depending on your newz source, Tiger is still kickin' it with the first chick the rumors broke about, got busted in his mug so bad by his wife that he needed to fly to Arizona to get emergency plastic surgery, developed his ho'ish ways by emulating his boyz Charles Barkley and Michel Jordan (or his late Pops), cost the shareholders of his endorsement partners $12 billion and counting (now that *is* a lot of paper burned by lettin' Jimmy do the thinkin'...), yada, yada, yada.

Next I'm expecting newz to drop that Tiger was somehow involved in this Christmas day Al-Qaeda plot (tho a case can be made that Tiger also got burned by droppin' his draws...). Anyway, y'all, the fact remains that no (legal) crime was committed but now Tiger may soon be on the business end of the sayin', 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. My homeys can attest to this. There's a reason why the female is always the more dangerous of any species. Ol Ty contends they are also more competitive and manipulative as well (I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin' y'all - check me by observing female club behavior) which is why this cocktail of womanizing and deceit brewed by Tigro eventually went nuclear all up in his mug.

So I'm not up in hurr tryin' to apologize for the brother. No, no, no. Things are well beyond that point, and if Mrs. Tiger was in the Malone family I might be hirin' some former Navy Seals to see if Tiger really is hidin' out on his yacht. But in the midst of all the *real* newz poppin' - it seems like folks should take a chill pill on this ruckus. It'll settle out, Tiger's wallet will be significantly lighter, his sex addiction rehab teachings will kick in and he'll arrive back on the course in time to save the PGA Tour which is seriously whistling past the graveyard when they state that 'things will be fine' with Tiger off the Tour for an indefinite period of time.

Here's my 2010 prediction - Tiger's going to stay away long enough for the Tour to beg him to come back *and* as this sad chapter fades into the mists of history, Tiger will be grindin' his axe on all the players and sponsors who were quick to jump ship. It may not be right, but when you're that big a talent that's normally the way it goes.

Next up, 'The Tiger Saga Part 2: Mrs. Tiger, The Felonious Assaulter