Friday, June 30, 2006

Bin Laden Video Praises Star Jones!

Wassup, Y'all!

Just when you thought the Star Jones saga couldn't get any funkier, breaking news this morning has Osama Bin Laden coming out in support of the beleaguered faux celebrity claiming that day time television has lost one of its 'greatest princesses' and issuing a pointed challenge to Barbara Walters - 'What scares you about Sister Star now that she's gone? You know that her new projects, if allowed to happen, will be huge showing the extent of sympathy and support of the mujahedeen'. CIA analysts are still working to verify the veracity of the tape which appeared mysteriously at The View's production studio (where old girl's mug is already off the web site), but if found to be authentic, it would represent what has been suspected for quite some time...that the mujahdeen doesn't have any taste either...

Man - *just* when I was getting used to Star sinking back into obscurity here comes Bin Laden stirring the pot again! I was telling my boyz 'Tini Mack and Cat Daddy just yesterday, as we were dissecting this latest dust up over lunch, that I could have sworn I saw Bin Laden in her wedding as one of the groomsmen (and if you peruse that glossy carefully, you'll see what I'm talkin' 'bout). My boyz were all like - dude, stop trippin', stop hatin' on Star - and now this.

The audio message was accompanied by a video showing an old photo of Bin Laden next to an image of Mrs. Reynolds taken after her drastic weight loss and plastic surgery. Judging by the AK's appearing next to 'Sister Star', old Ty suggests that Barbara lay low for a few. Rosie O'Donnell may want to lay low for a few as well... Funny how this association with Bin Laden didn't come up during Star's 'It Wasn't Me', Larry King interview last night. I'm sure she plans to take that ruckus on a national press tour. Hmmm...

To her credit, she has yet to pull the race card, but it's still early. In my view, old girl's time had been past and if I wanted to spend my time hearing people talk over each other, I'd tune into ESPN's Pardon The Interruption - that joint is shorter *and* focuses on sports - what homeboy can't appreciate that?

According to my basement wire, Bin Laden wrapped his jibber-jabber with the following: "In conclusion, I say that Sister Star was not just an honor to her show, her network and her faux celebrity nation, but to all chunky women, for she embodied the meaning of artificial body image manipulation and wedding nuptial excess pride and glory."

I prefer the wise words posted on a sign attached to The View's studio exit the day Barbara took Star to task: 'Star - Don't let the doorknob hit you where the good Lord split you." I'm sure that was meant with all due respect. Now that's funky, y'all.



Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Carmello - Could you sign these?

Wassup, Y'all!

Now that the NBA season is done, it's time to wrap a bow on my recent NBA postings with a final NBA themed post. As luck would have it, while perusing the newstands the other day, I peeped the July '06 issue of GQ Magazine and thoroughly enjoyed a tight article by northside GQ staffer Lisa DePaulo provocatively titled: The Days and Nights of an NBA Groupie. There's nothing better than a custom delivered bow, y'all. Read on and get a glimpse of an underground hoochie caste system that lives only to service anyone who orbits in the NBA universe...

First, be sure to check out the article in GQ because it's pretty eye opening (you can check out half of it online but to get the rest head to Borders or B&N), but I'll be serving up enough nuggets to make you want to peep it anyway. One of the sources for the story was Brenda Thomas, a former personal assistant to Stephon 'Starbury' Marbury - a brother at the center of the Knicks implosion this season. Seems Brenda penned a novel titled "Threesome: Where Seduction, Power & Basketball Collide". Though the joint was fictional, apparently the blistering action which took place was well documented and patterned after the hoochie shenanigans she observed during her daily PA duties for Starbury.

Anonymous chats with real NBA groupies revealed a four tier caste system featuring the streetwalking prostitutes Gutter Girls - chicks willing to do anything anytime (even in the parking lot after the game), the independent escorts Working Girls - party girls who would at least get a room or be selective about which player they favored with their carnal skillz, the new high end escorts Fly Girls - chicks whose looks can stop a brother in his tracks, but haven't learned the intricate skillz required to trap a brother into marriage, and finally, the top shelf escorts Upper Crust - the chicks that end up on a players arm or mother to his kids. Lisa D. pointed out, tongue-in-cheek that these chicks tend to be 'bony-assed white girls'. Hmmmmmm.

The article basically chronicles the exploits of a group of four southside Working Girls from NYC who've descended on Houston for NBA All-Star Weekend, the Mecca of NBA groupies who save and plan all year for a chance to hook a player up. All four were large and in charge sisters who wouldn't warrant another look if old Tyrone had happened upon them, but they knew their business - smuggling a case of Grey Goose (the 'unofficial vodka of the NBA according to Lisa D.) up to their room and laying out their gameplan should one of them bring someone back to the room. In this case, the other three would cool their heels in the lobby until the boot knocking ceased. Lisa D. posed the question: 'What happens if they're in there all night?' To which one replied with one of the greatest quotes I've read to date:

"It never takes all night," says Danielle. "We're from New York City. We're not here to cuddle."

Daaaaaamn! Apparently NYC shortys know how to handle their business. Lisa D. also dropped the tip that if you want to see what groupie predation looks like, fall through the Four Seasons hotel (the unofficial crib of the NBA according to Lisa D.) in your town when a visiting team is playing. The lobby should look like the registration area for the Player's Ball.

Interestingly, a large number of groupies are attracted to the NBA universe because of its close association with the hip-hop culture, with many chickenheads looking for a two-for-one - a player *and* a rapper (or his bodyguard, one of his entourage boyz, one of his entourage boyz' assistants, etc.). Yet another phenomenon undoubtedly fueling the NBA's desire to import more foreign players to mute that ruckus. Some southside groupies also believe their chances are better with the hip-hop element since they seem to eschew the 'boney-assed' northside shorty or model types that the NBA players seem to gravitate toward.

The article painted a wild picture of condom fixing (poking a hole in the joint in hopes of getting pregnant and set for life), knocking boots with a player's homeboy or bodyguard watching so they can be a witness in case he gets accused of having sex with anonymous women who have been laying it out around the league for years bad bedroom behavior, and enough other stuff to straight blow your mind. But I'll close with my second favorite quote, as it illustrates my fondness for Kobe Bryant. It goes a little something like this:

"Groupies like guys who can fight, like Rasheed Wallace. 'He don't have to be pretty. We like a guy who's hard on the court. I never hear women oohing and ahhing over Kobe Bryant because he's a punk. He's soft."

Could have said it better myself, homegirl! So what's the moral to this story homeboys? Book your tickets early to the 2007 NBA All-Star game!!! With so much a$$ in the atmosphere there's no way you won't get tossed a bone by some groupie who's spent $5K on lodging, clothes, alcohol and makeup and ended up getting shut out of every party. That's where you come in with an understanding shoulder. And the best part? That joint's in VEGAS! February 15-19. You snooze, you lose. Don't say I didn't let you know in plenty of time...



Thursday, June 22, 2006

Miami Heat Diss Jay-Z!

Wassup, Y'all!

Dang, just when you thought it couldn't get uglier, news from last night's Miami Heat championship celebration reveals just how much respect they're giving to Jay-Z's Cristal boycott. According to Heat coach Pat Riley, the team slammed down 22 bottles of Cris on the flight back to Miami! 22 bottles!?? Damn Jay, you sure ain't no Martin Luther King, brother...

That's a straight diss, homey. Not only that, now the word is that Louis Roederer's mouthpiece Frederic Rouzaud is claiming he didn't even utter the now famous 'unwelcome attention' line that Hova associated with the company's diss of hip-hop's affection for the pricey bubbly. Man, next thing you know the National Enquirer will be posting glossies of Beyonce out behind the mansion swigging straight out of a bottle! You may want to reconsider your position, Jigga...

And just for you homeys keeping count on the Heat's shenanigans on the plane. Let's do the math: 22 bottles of Cris x $300 bottle = $6,600 (and that doesn't even include the 20 bottles they used to spray each other in the locker room)!! Man, that's some major cha-chingin' going on at Louis Roederer, jack! You can almost hear them laughing in the boardroom...



Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Boycott Cristal? How 'bout these too!

Wassup, Y'all!

In the midst of the Jay-Z / Louis Roederer ruckus over Frederic Rouzaud's, (managing director of Louis Roederer, the company that produces Cristal) perceived slight of hip-hop's fondness for the pricy bubbly, I have to give Jay-Z props for at least making Louis Roederer aware that they've been receiving priceless advertising for their product without even paying for it. The same goes for a lot of other products that get free product placement and mention in countless hip-hop music videos. Me? I'm thinking we can take this boycott to the next level and streamline the hip-hop world by also boycotting the following...

Cadillacs (aka 'lacs)
Gulf Stream Jets (G4)
Cavalli Vodka ($60/bottle!)
Crunk Juice
South Beach video shoots (okay - maybe not those...)
Homeboy Entourages
Video who-cheese (okay - maybe not those either...)
Beyonce (except when she performs the 'Crazy in Love' video...)
All the following words/phrases:
- no i'm sayin'?
- doing it real big
- ridin' dirty
- 'H' to the izz-o, 'V' to the izz-a
- fo shizzle
- uh oh
- Jesus Pieces
- Jacob the Jeweler (who seems to be in his own bit of trouble)
- Ho
- Bit#h
- Nig#a

Just me thinking out loud, y'all...but I'm not the only one.



Monday, June 19, 2006

Wake me in the fourth period, baby...

Wassup, Y'all!

"It's Wade at the buzzer...oh my God! What a game!!"

Yawn...the new NBA slogan should be 'You Snooze, You Lose!!'

Dude, what's up with the ABC/ESPN/TNT programming with the NBA playoffs this year? Including last night's off-the-hook, Game 5 OT thriller between the Mavs and the Heat, the NBA broke a record for the most OT games in the playoffs - ever. The product is hot but who can really enjoy it when even weekend games are broadcast at 9 pm ET - for an EAST COAST GAME!??

Now I may spend my days chillin' up in my mama's basement, but I know that most folks got to get up and go to work. How's that happening when these games end around 11:00 or 12:00 at night? Unlike those forward thinking European employers that will give their workers the next day off when their team is playing late in the World Cup, you know US companies aren't hearing that noise, jack! I miss seeing playoff games in the afternoon on weekends. It will be a damn shame if the Finals go to a Game 7 and we have to watch that joint unfold between gulps of Red Bull with espresso chasers.

ABC - get a clue!



Friday, June 16, 2006

Big Willy Style - Playin' both sides

Wassup, Y'all!

Straight from the Hater Files: Old Ty first hears of Big Willie dropping a quote regarding his feelings for his boo, Jada tailor made to make to the shortys swoon :

"You're so much stronger when your partner is strong. I honestly believe there is no woman for me but Jada. Of all the women I've met - and there've been a few - no one can handle me the way Jada does. Once you feel someone locked in on you, it's no contest. As fine as other women can be, as tempting sexually, I'm not going anywhere. This is it. I can't imagine what anyone else could offer."

Dude - blah, blah, blah...

Homeboys - can't you just hear draws droppin' all over the world as shortys eavesdrop on Will as he drops those pearls on his sweety? But just when you think Big Willie is back in the changing room trying on a lemon chiffon evening dress, he
discovers that he really does have testicles and drops some well thought out compliments for foine Bollywood shorty and actress Aishwarya Rai:

"I really wanted to work with her in Hitch (2005) but she was shooting for Bride and Prejudice (2004) at the time and she couldn't do it. She has this powerful energy where she doesn't have to say anything, do anything, she can just stand there. Anything she's making, I'll be there."

Big Willie - bet you didn't say that while Jada was still in the room. Dang - what's that mean for Eva Mendes (who actually did co-star with you in Hitch), homey? You mean to tell me that old girl was your second choice! Man, don't I want to be you when I grow up? Anyway with respect to shorty Aishwarya - when the time's right, give us a shout out, man! We'll be there too!



Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Kell's Sex Tape Going Public!

Wassup, Y'all!

Seems the judge presiding over the R. Kelly Child Pornography preliminaries ruled that it's okay for the public (aka those in open court) to peep the shenanigans depicted in the infamous R. Kelly sex tape (not be confused with the infamous Pam Anderson or Paris Hilton sex tapes - beware: those links are non PG-13 appropriate, y'all...) Hmmm, seems someone forgot to tell the judge that the tape is *already* public...

I don't think I know a single one of my homeys who hasn't seen it and somehow got a copy from a 'friend'. I'll admit that I *still* haven't seen that joint. Is it possible that old Ty has no friends? How sad is that? The consensus seems to be that it is R. Kelly peeing on doing the dirty with an underage shorty. I'm thinking a jury will see it the same way *if* this trial ever takes place. How long has this joint been pending? Even OJ's joint didn't take this long!! According to the actual factuals, the victim on the tape was 13 when the alledged event occurred. The article puts her at 21 now - eight years! I know that Kell's didn't enter his 'not guilty' plea until mid 2002 but it's going on mid 2006 now, y'all! And I thought only the Enron Boyz could pull off a delay like that...

Come on Chicago - Let's Get It started! Say it with me - No Justice, No Pee..ce!



Monday, June 12, 2006

Hip Hop NBA, Part Deux

Wassup, Y'all!

Just a quick follow up to my 4/25 post on the subtle and growing shift in the NBA to identify and draft foreign players as their frustation grows over trying to work with the American Hip-Hop B-Baller who typically arrives with underdeveloped fundamentals, overemphasized athleticism and a MC Hammer-sized entourage. Over on, league commish David Stern says he's 'appalled' over the state of the game. Oooo - pretty strong words that get stronger after the jump...

Seems D-Stern's feelings on the matter have gotten to the point where he's considering using the NBA clout to start developmental leagues in America similar to the European-style basketball factories that are cranking out more and more players that NBA GMs are desperate to bust a slob over.

D-Stern's feelings were a little hard to read given this quote:

"The roster of NBA teams is going to be enriched by huge numbers of international players, and it's going to happen."

Wow - if you've got that statement coming out of the league Commissioner's mug, I'd be a little nervous if I was a biddy-bop, neighborhood baller, faking like I was D-Wade and saying 'All day, baby. All day." everytime I dropped a shot over my boy in the driveway.

It's no doubt that stories like this ESPN joint will become more common and the league will undergo a fundamental change - no doubt. It already has - *two* Frenchmen in the NBA playoffs (Tony Parker and Boris Diaw) - Sacre Bleu! A German being the most dominant big man in a finals that also features Shaquille O'Neal? Ach du lieber!

Have no fear - it will all settle out in the end with the end result being a return to fundamental American basketball which will result in a better, more exciting product on the floor. As with most things - competition is good. But make no mistake, my southside, b-ball homeys - school is definitely back in session in the NBA.

Shaq - free throw practice is calling brother...