Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Ty: The Hiatus Continues...

Wassup, Y'all!

Like Moses wandering with his people in the desert for some tall years, Ol Ty is wandering too, y'all. It's been way too long since I've dropped a post and I'm desperately in search of my muse because it's not like I don't want to, but I've got so many things going at the moment that it's left little time for this guilty pleasure.So for now I plan to keep up the Tweetin' thing so I don't completely lose touch and hopefully soon, I'll find my way back home. I'm missin' the basement waaaaay to much...



Friday, January 01, 2010

The Tiger Saga Part 1: Tiger, The Male Ho

Wassup, Y'all!
Outside of a boatload of Ty Sweet Tweets, ol Ty has kept his expansive thoughts on Tiger Woods to himself. After some rumination and cogitation in the wake of Tiger's slowly unfolding train wreck, I'm thinkin' it's high time I weigh with my thoughts. But since y'all know me, there's no way I can break it all down into a single post that my short attention span readers can effectively soak up so I'm hookin' you up with a hard hittin' three part expose that focuses on Tiger, his wife and his ho's mistresses. So let's get started with the man himself - Tigro, the golfing gigolo...

First, a little perspective. Tiger didn't conspire to kill anybody (that would be former NFL player Rae Carruth). Tiger didn't drink and drive and kill somebody (that would be NFL player Donte Stallworth among *many* others). Tiger didn't beat any women (that would be NBA player Jason Kidd among *many* others). Tiger didn't throw anyone through a plate glass window while hanging out at a bar (that would be former NBA player and current Tiger homeboy Charles Barkley). Tiger didn't get caught with 388 POUNDS of marijuana within a span of five weeks (that would be former NFL player Nate Newton).

What Tigro did do is have consensual sex with A LOT of fine skanky suspect women (tho allegedly FAR fewer than the 20,000 that Wilt, the Stilt bedded) and A LOT of that ruckus occurred *after* he was married. So, realistically here's the list of folk who really need to be mad at Tiger: (1) Mrs. Tiger, (2) Tiger's in-laws, (3) Tiger's mama, (4) Tiger's endorsement partners. That's about it, y'all. If you didn't see your name on the list, you probably have some business of your own you need to be more concerned about but let's dig into this a bit more anyway, shall we?

Now accurate details on this jibber-jabber have been hard to come by. Depending on your newz source, Tiger is still kickin' it with the first chick the rumors broke about, got busted in his mug so bad by his wife that he needed to fly to Arizona to get emergency plastic surgery, developed his ho'ish ways by emulating his boyz Charles Barkley and Michel Jordan (or his late Pops), cost the shareholders of his endorsement partners $12 billion and counting (now that *is* a lot of paper burned by lettin' Jimmy do the thinkin'...), yada, yada, yada.

Next I'm expecting newz to drop that Tiger was somehow involved in this Christmas day Al-Qaeda plot (tho a case can be made that Tiger also got burned by droppin' his draws...). Anyway, y'all, the fact remains that no (legal) crime was committed but now Tiger may soon be on the business end of the sayin', 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. My homeys can attest to this. There's a reason why the female is always the more dangerous of any species. Ol Ty contends they are also more competitive and manipulative as well (I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin' y'all - check me by observing female club behavior) which is why this cocktail of womanizing and deceit brewed by Tigro eventually went nuclear all up in his mug.

So I'm not up in hurr tryin' to apologize for the brother. No, no, no. Things are well beyond that point, and if Mrs. Tiger was in the Malone family I might be hirin' some former Navy Seals to see if Tiger really is hidin' out on his yacht. But in the midst of all the *real* newz poppin' - it seems like folks should take a chill pill on this ruckus. It'll settle out, Tiger's wallet will be significantly lighter, his sex addiction rehab teachings will kick in and he'll arrive back on the course in time to save the PGA Tour which is seriously whistling past the graveyard when they state that 'things will be fine' with Tiger off the Tour for an indefinite period of time.

Here's my 2010 prediction - Tiger's going to stay away long enough for the Tour to beg him to come back *and* as this sad chapter fades into the mists of history, Tiger will be grindin' his axe on all the players and sponsors who were quick to jump ship. It may not be right, but when you're that big a talent that's normally the way it goes.

Next up, 'The Tiger Saga Part 2: Mrs. Tiger, The Felonious Assaulter



Saturday, November 21, 2009

Ty Does 'This Is It'

Wassup, Y'all!

After checkin' out the Michael Jackson documentary, 'This Is It' a few weeks ago with Northside Shorty, I commented on the ride home that I really needed to drop a post on that joint. I initially fell through expecting to see some slapped together, recanned clips put together by the Jackson family to pull down one last payday. Instead what I saw still has a brother ravin' about this movie two weeks later.

Like Michael said in London during the announcement of his fifty show tour that it would be the 'curtain call' to his career, this film - due to his tragically early demise - fills that role all too aptly and, like most curtain calls at the end of a great concert, you really didn't want this movie to end...

First off - Ol Ty bestows 3.5 (out of 4) Spinners on this flick. Any movie that leaves me wantin' more has to get at least 3, y'all. I always reserve that last 0.5 for what I consider a 'perfect' movie - which this isn't, but it's seriously entertaining. I'm a sucker for behind the scenes movies - ol Ty likes to see how things are created before they hit the bright lights and all the behind the scenes footage in this joint hinted that had the concert series come off, it would have been the concert to end all concerts. The dancin' was tight, the concepts hyper imaginative and, despite all rumors, Michael seemed to really be at the top of his fifty! Ol boy still had the dance moves, there was *no* deterioration of his voice - his live singin' sounded just like the album tracks - and the sets were on point.

But the most fascinatin' thing about the movie was the undeniable fact that Michael really was a musical genius. Hold up, now. Ol Ty doesn't throw that title around lightly - check it out for youselves. MJ may have been soft spoken and painfully polite but when it came to his music he never half-stepped. He knew all his music down to the last beat and he would be quick to call out any musician who didn't get it right. One part that had ol Ty laughin' was when he called out the musical director for rushin' a piece on his keyboard and he told homey he needed to slow it down cuz the music needed some time to 'simmer'. He was similarly scrupulous about the choreography and it became clear that his perfection was not to satisfy himself, but to satisfy his fans who knew his music and choreography as well as he did.

On the drive home, ol Ty was reminded of another flick he checked out - Amadeus - about Mozart, another musical prodigy (didn't think ol Ty was that deep did, y'all?). At the beginning of that movie, Mozart's rival - Antonio Salieri - was lamenting the death of Mozart, an admittedly strange thing for a rival to do. Through flashbacks we see how initially, Salieri was all jealous of Mozart and minimized his musical abilities. Eventually, fate pulled these two together as Mozart was dying and tryin' to complete one last symphony for the King. It was Salieri's plan to steal it and palm it off as his own, but as the two worked together Salieri saw how effortlessly Mozart could weave the various musical pieces together - horns, percussion, strings - just by thinking about them and by the end of the night Salieri found himself in awe of Mozart's true genius and embarrassed at his juvenile behavior toward him.

It's the same deal with Michel, y'all. Yeah - he had Bubbles, the cosmetic surgeries, slept in a hyperbaric chamber, bought the Elephant Man remains, wore outrageous outfits, married Lisa Marie, lived at Neverland, preferred the company of children, named two of his children Prince Michael, blah, blah, blah. But in the end, in ol Ty's opinion, he finally gets the true recognition he deserves as a musical genius in his own right. It was no accident that he became the most famous Jackson. It's no accident that his catalogue of music - 98% self written - has no peer. It's no accident that his appeal remains global and knows no cultural boundary.

So if you haven't seen Michael's final curtain call, see that joint in all it's glory on the big screen, with the big sound. Even more so if you've been a MJ hater - a modern day Antonio Salieri. Your ephiphany is just a movie ticket away. It's true you never get a second chance to make a first impression, but it's also true that last impressions linger always. This is a really good last impression, y'all.



Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Limbaugh Caves - Booted out of NFL Team Bid

Wassup, Y'all!

As if ol Ty didn't see this comin'. Oh so satisfyin' news anyway but one way or another there was no way any group with Flush Rimjob as a partner was going to land an NFL franchise. An Idaho Klan compound maybe, but never an NFL franchise - not as pious as the NFL commissioner wants to make the league. If knucklehead players have to toe the line, it's nice to see that potential knucklehead owners don't even make it to the line.

So score a big one for Karma since I'm sure Flush was pretty much jonesin' to get his mitts on more oxycotin a franchise and smoke his big a$$ stogies in the owner's suite and expound on how all the suckers who buy his snake oil every day have allowed him to pony up the dough for such a thing. But sometimes, money doesn't talk and the persona that you've built up by consistently denigrating minorities comes back to haunt you. What goes around, comes around. You gotta love that.



Friday, September 25, 2009

Colbert's 'Blackwashing' - Satire 101

Wassup, Y'all!

See? This is what I'm talkin' 'bout. You don't have to be disagreeable to highlight a disagreeable point. Steven Colbert's take on the conservative right's complainin' about being called racist when they're only tryin' to 'make a point' is priceless and a textbook example of perfect satire.



Thursday, September 17, 2009

Belleville School Bus vs. Cracker Barrel

Wassup, Y'all!

Had to post on this recent cornucopia of beatdowns as both incidents have folk hot under the collar about racism, hate crimes and apparent double standards. I have to say that ol Ty is more than dismayed over the rising angry tenor of the national conversation, particularly from my high strung Republican homeys, and I think it's time for folk to go back to that age old chestnut - 'THINK before you speak'.

In the Malone household Papa Malone had his own chestnut called, 'Sit down and shut up' but since we're all New Age now and folk feel entitled to run around with their mouths half cocked we've now moved into a period I like to call 'The National Hysteria Age'. Now about these beatings...

As much as I hate to utter the name, Flush Rimjob (aka Rush Limbaugh) has made a lot of hay recently with the Belleville High School Bus beating which featured a young northside homey getting thugged up by several southside homeys. In this unfortunate vignette we have Captain Don Sax of the Belleville Police Department shootin' off at the lip claiming that,"In my estimation, it's racially motivated,". Here I would normally give Cap'n Don the benefit of the doubt as I'm sure he's witness plenty of racially motivated ruckus in country Belleville, but other observers contend that the issue was more basic.

Basic like the perceived right to a school bus seat and the right to force someone to sit somewhere else. Y'all may have seen this early on in 'Forest Gump' where once Forest boarded the school bus, no one wanted him sitting next to them except for Jenny. Had Forest pressed the issue and sat next to Jim Bob say, he likely would have feasted on a knuckle sandwich or two before the bus driver could get back there to break it up. Still, this type of dust up - which ol Ty contends happens every day - encouraged Flush to proudly crow that this is nothing more than the manifestation of 'Obama's America - White Kids Get Beat up With The Black Kids Cheering'. Of course that asinine assertion is nothing more than a classless radio huckster ginnin' up his radical right fringe base to keep sowin' seeds of national division vs. national unity. That jibber-jabber notwithstanding, here's ol Ty's question: 'Would this have even been news had the participants been either all northsiders or all southsiders?' Y'all know the answer - hell to tha nizzo - particularly if it happened on an all southside bus. I'm sure the prevailing sentiment among Flush's radio listeners in *that* case would have been, 'Dang! Why'd they break it up? They should have let those darkies kill each other that way they'd need less of my tax money for their welfare habit'. Sad but true y'all. Doubt me not.

Now let's fast forward to Tuesday, when a nice trip to Cracker Barrel turned heinous for a southside mother (a military vet) and her 7-year old daughter. In this equally unfortunate vignette, moms and daughter are entering as Troy Dale West and wifey are exiting. Apparently Troy Dale whipped the door open pretty quickly and nearly tagged the 7 year-old in the mug. As most mothers would do, she asked Troy Dale to be more careful as he almost hit her daughter and Troy Dale went the *$#% off. According to a CB employee, the ruckus unfolded thusly:

One Cracker Barrel employee, who asked not to be identified said when Hill politely told West to be careful, he went on a racial tirade.

The employee said Hill told West, “Please don’t do this, I’m in the military,” to which West responded “I don’t give a f***you black n***** b****and then started punching her." The employee said "I saw the foot motion of him kicking her. As he was punching her, he called her a black n***** b**** twice."

Pretty vile stuff and a nice way to reward a military vet for her service to the country. First, a homey never has cause to raise a hand to a shorty unless she's comin' at him with a pot of hot grits. Second...hmmm - doesn't seem to be a second in this case, because 'First' is about as basic as it gets. So because racial words were used in the beatdown, this incident got tagged as a possible 'hate crime' and some folk are up in arms that the Belleville incident didn't and want to smell a double standard.

To ol Ty - it really doesn't matter! What should matter is that the beaters - in both cases - get their legal just desserts as it appears they were all in the very wrong (tho ol Ty further contends that any fool who beats a woman - particularly in front of her child - needs an extra special judicial a$$ whoopin'). That's about as simple as it should be because again, if neither vignette involved mixed races we wouldn't even be talking about it. Wrong is wrong and, for those who want to continue to beat the racial flames in either incident, I refer you back to Papa Malone's wise words - 'Sit down and shut up'.


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Whitney Houston: Don't Call It A Comeback

Wassup, Y'all!

Okay, I'll admit when I heard the promo for Whitney Houston's upcoming September appearance on the GMA Summer Concert series, I had to stop and peep it.

They threw out all the accolades y'all - Global Superstar, the only artist to have seven consecutive multi-platinum albums, music's most awarded female artist of all time and that the countdown is on to the most anticipated morning television concert event of the year since Michael Jackson died...maybe ANY year! It was all workin' for me y'all - the clips showcasing her incomparable voice back in the day and that '91 Superbowl National Anthem rendition that still gives a brother chills (not to be confused with the Marvin Gaye Gold Standard tho). Then old girl opened her mouth at the end of the promo and the illusion died harder than Hans Gruber at the Nakatomi Plaza...

Despite the make-up, ol girl looks like she's lived the hard life these last few years, which we all know she has. But if I'm willin' to be on the bandwagon for the Mike Vick 2nd Chance Tour then I certainly need to give equal time to sister Whitney, but I'll be on pins and needles when ol girl steps to the mic live for this concert. I'm not sure she still has those magical pipes. No, not the crack pipes, y'all. I'm talkin' 'bout her vocal pipes. If you listen to the clips ABC pulled together for her promo, I'd put that pre-2K voice up against ANYBODY. Ol girl could sang! Now? Ol Ty's a little fretful.

And how many times has ol girl tried to comeback? Certainly less than Brett Favre but still more than enough for a brother to say, 'Look - either comeback or go away but don't keep a brother hanging!' Still I give her credit for avoiding that music career black hole that has swallowed many a promising career. Where's Nelly been? Chingy? Is that brother still 'one call away'? Still at the Holiday Innnnn? Jaheim? Heavy-D? Anyone seen 'the overweight lover'? Shaggy? Shabba Ranks? Shabba! Either one of the 'other two' Destiny's Child shortys? Man - I don't even remember their names Kelly & Michelle! Ja Rule?

Y'all feel me. Music is a tough business. It's always what have you done for me lately? How many records can you sell this go 'round? Less than before? Sorry - we're gonna have to drop your non-producin' a$$ from the label. So in that light, Whitney's already ahead of the game. She's built a big enough legacy that folk are still willin' to bankroll a comeback tour.

Ol Ty will be watchin' in September to either see the phoenix rise from the ashes or the final fall to earth. Either way it should be entertaining. Break a leg, Whitney.



Monday, August 17, 2009

Mike Vick, Donte Stallworth and Tiger

Wassup, Y'all!

I know, I know. First, where the heck you been, Ty?? Second, how'd Tiger get on that list? As for where've I been, I've been out, y'all. I haven't been feelin' it lately and I'm still tryin' to get my feet under me up in NC. It's comin' together slowly but I've had more distractions goin' on than a blind man with a lit candle in a firecracker factory. Suffice to say that they've all been good distractions but ol Ty needs to get his focus back.

As for Tiger being listed in the company of Mike Vick and Donte? We'll just count him as another homey who straight shocked the hell out of ol Ty. Two BIG snaps up to east side home Y.E. Yang for becomin' a smiling, shot-makin' piece of Kryptonite to the golfing world's Superman. Daaaaaaaamn, Tiger - that's GOTTA hurt! Now about Mike and Donte...

I caught the transcript of Mike Vick's 60 Minutes interview that followed Tiger's improbable implosion and, of course, it sounds like Mike Vick is sayin' all the right things. I'm on the bandwagon of lettin' homeys who have paid their judicial system determined debt to society have a second chance. I have to admit though that Mike Vick's confessions of guilt and disgust at his actions seem to ring a bit hollow. After all, this is the same homey who, in the midst of the swirling allegations, stood up and lied about his innocence and professed his intent to 'clear his good name'.

Well we know the end of that story so ol Ty can only hope that Mike Vick is sincere this go 'round because there's no coming back for Chance #3. Seems to me that there's a pretty big contingent of folk who don't even want to see him get Chance #2 and that ol Ty begs the question - 'What's the purpose of prison?' Or the multi-million dollar fines and restitution? I know the crime was heinous but there are actually people who killed other PEOPLE walkin' the streets getting less grief than this brother. My take - sit back and watch. If he walks the straight and narrow - get up off all that woofin' and let the brother become a productive member of society again. If not, I'll be right there with y'all to throw the first brick.

As for Donte Stallworth, wow. I'm conflicted on this brother too, y'all. Based on the light sentence he received for DUI manslaugher from a court of law (30 days, 24 days served), you have to believe that the accident was unavoidable and that he had the ultimate bad luck of it occurring after he had a couple drinks. But homey's behavior immediately after the tragedy and since then has, in my opinion, been exemplary and quite the opposite of the deceptive road that Mike Vick traveled in his desperate attempts to save his career and endorsements.

Donte, made the 911 call from the accident scene - no hit and run - despite the fact he knew he'd been drinking. He paid restitution to the man's family and he manned up to the charges and the repercussions. To hear him speak on the accident, ol Ty believes that it changed him FOREVER.

If you drive long enough you eventually will hit somethin' live - a squirrel, a bird, a raccoon, a skunk, a cat, a dog, a deer - somethin'. And we all know that sickening, squeamish feelin' we've had afterward, mostly stemming from the thought of the animal getting crushed as well as the sound and bump of the car while the car is rollin' over the remains. Donte experienced all that with a PERSON rollin' under his car. There's no rewindin' that experience out of your brain. That's somethin' the brother will have to live with the rest of his life.

When the NFL Commissioner handed down his sentence of 1 year suspension without pay, you didn't hear a bit of cryin' from Donte. No threat to get the Players Union involved to reduce the sentence and 'allow a man his livelihood'. A lot of fools in the NFL involved in similar circumstance would have tried to pull that bull$hit so I'm givin' props to Donte for really being a man during this whole ordeal. Hopefully, his peers in the NFL will take note.



Monday, July 27, 2009

Ty's Top 10 Web Videos

Wassup, Y'all!

It's Monday and those of you not livin' in your mama's basement and doin' the 9-5 thing probably need a bit of laughter to get your day going straight so I thought I'd throw together a quick Top 10 list for y'all featuring some recent (and some not so recent) web videos that *always* crack me up so. I know that there's a ton of good stuff out there on the web, but these are the joints that speak to ol Ty at the moment. Hit me off after the jump and get ready to get your laugh on (note: NSFW = Not Safe For Work!)...
  1. Star Trek Cribs - The Director's Cut - a classic featurin' my main man Charlie Murphy as the voice of Spock, who's showin' off his crib to the cameras. Bring the power, Scottie!
  2. I'm On a Boat - viral a billion times over on Youtube but this nautical themed, SNL joint is always funny, 'specially since I'm known to sit out in mama's garden from time to time in my flippy-floppies. NSFW - lyrics like an old Richard Pryor joint!
  3. Dick in A Box - the SNL bookend to I'm on A Boat - featuring Justin Timberlake and SNL homey Andy Samberg offerin' their shortys a 'personal' gift. NSFW
  4. Auto-tune The News #2 - a clever use of the auto-tuning effect (T-Pain) to make the news even more viewable than Jon Stewart's Daily Show.
  5. Blame It - Youtube's Obama impersonator-in-chief AlphaCat breaks down exactly why you're feelin' the economic blues.
  6. Tea Partay - straight outta Cape Cod, the Prepstas are keepin' it real! One of many 'nerdsta' video raps that show just how pervasive the rap culture is in advertising and in the northside world. Smirnoff knew the deal and dropped this one to great effect.
  7. All About the Roosevelts - Taco Bell took a page right out of Smirnoff's book and dropped this one for the cheap a$$, late night snack crowd who could only manage to scrap together some nickels and dimes at 2am but still wanted to get their grub on.
  8. Whatever I Like - Alphacat's Obama is back breakin' down just what he can do now that he's President.
  9. Jizz in My Pants - the SNL crew is back, this time with a couple homeys on a hair trigger. Man, just like back in grade school...for some of y'all.
  10. Puke in My Mouth - no list would be complete without the female comeback video. In this case, the shortys came back hard on the Jizz in My Pants concept with their thoughts on how hard it is to keep you lunch down in the presence of some wannabe romeo homeys.
Now if *none* of those videos made you laugh you really need to think about another line of work or head to Cali to catch that medical mary jane wave so you can loosen that tight a$$ up. Stay strong out there, y'all.



Thursday, July 23, 2009

Skip Gates Is A Friend of Mine

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, you know this is a big story when it comes up as a question during a Presidential news conference.

If I was the officer who ultimately arrested Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates in his own home after producing adequate ID proving it was actually his own home and then I had to hear it discussed by the President of the United States, I'd have to be callin' in today with a bad case of the 'Blue Flu'...

I have this to say about that, y'all - Amadou Diallo and Sean Bell. I'm sure everyone will make a little hay with Smooth Barack's comment about had he been caught tryin' to break into the White House that he'd have been shot. Now that statement can be taken a couple of ways but the one I think Smooth was tryin' to eloquate was that the Secret Service don't play when it comes to White House security. Unfortunately, Amadou, a 23 year old Guinean immigrant in NYC and Sean Bell, a 23 year old southsider from NYC both were shot (and killed). 41 and 50 times respectively. Both by officers who were eventually aquitted of the crime despite both being unarmed at the time of their Sonny Corleone style demises.

Skip Gates is lucky that all that woofin' just got him a dropped disorderly conduct charge and a $40 bail postin'. He could still be wedged up in his doorway leakin' from 40+ gunshot wounds after gettin' laid the f*** out. Harvard Professor or no Harvard Professor. Black may not crack but it punctures pretty easily from hot lead. Instead of Smooth Barack saying that 'Skip Gates is a friend of mine' he could have been up there sayin', 'Skip Gates was a good friend of mine'.

We've come a long way, y'all but we have by no means arrived. If ol Ty gets pulled over down here in NC, you can best believe my hands won't leave the steering wheel until requested to do so. No premature wallet reach for ol Ty, y'all. I've seen this play before. So Skip - I'm glad it all worked out for you, homey. Truly I am. But if even Smooth can admit he might get dropped tryin' to get into the White House on a dark night, what makes you think a Harvard professorship will keep you safe from a similar situation?

Nuff said on that.