Sunday, November 28, 2004

Artest Redux - From Chapter III to Chapter XI

Wassup, Y'all!

Y'all know it's not me to kick a man when he's down, but I'm only writin' so let me crack back on our favorite knucklehead one last time (maybe) before moving on. My NYC contact Lil' Punch is on the front line tabulating the dailies on record sales and this just in....Eminem & Destiny's Child are safe y'all! It looks like R-Testy's newly produced CD Chapter III for the girl group Allure (how is it boys have bands and girls have groups?) is selling like...cold cakes. Here's a glossy for y'all's inspection. Can't be their fault...R-Testy, man how can you not properly prop a group of hotties?


Not many units flyin' off the shelves, y'all, surprising as that might be. But I'll hold out judgement since this is R-Testy's freshman effort. Word is most acts got their start hawking home pressed CDs from the trunk of their Pintos (Dr. Dre). Side Note: R-Testy! Congrats on makin' the cover of Sport's Illustrated's November 29th issue. I normally reserve my SI purchases to the annual shorty swimsuit joint but I had to peep this one in your honor.

Now onto a first for old Tyrone. I have it issue a retraction y'all. Y'all regular readers will remember my implicit crack on Lil' Jon in my November 17th column where I was fussing about Destiny's Child singing about needing a 'Soldier'. It turns out that I've been out of the loop. Silly me thinking hot shorties don't really go for...homely brothers. My bad, it turns out that hot shorties don't go for poor, untalented homely brothers. Yes, y'all in a world where even Flavor Flav can pull a hot shorty, my Entertainment Bureau Chief My-T Star called to tell me that not only was Lil' Jon dating lyrical shorty Mya, but now he's dating new 'it' girl shorty Christina Milian.

Now in case y'all aren't from this planet and don't know either of these top shelf shorties, let me drop a couple more glossies.

Mya - King Oct Issue

Christina Milian

How can life be so unfair? So here it go Lil' Jon - my bad. Okaaaaaay?



P.S. If the previous glossy of Farrah Franklin didn't convince you to get a subscription to King Magazine, that Mya cover has got to have you ready to part with some paper, y'all! Quiet its kept - word is Christina was a former cover girl - don't miss it!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Artest, Artest, Where For Art Thou, Artest?

Wassup, Y'all!

The hard foul has been laid, the face has been pushed, the cup has been thrown, the fans have been beat down and the suspensions have been levied. Now all that's left is for old Tyrone to do is help you make sense of the Motown Mow Down, the Detroit Droppin', the Pacer Pound Down,, y'all get the idea.

First (and on point) - Ron Artest - Shut up and stop crying. You did the crime, now thug up and do the time (and eat the fine). Homey, when the phrase "worst brawl in NBA history" is attached to your deal, you have to figure you're going to end up with the "worst suspension in NBA history". Cuz, look on the bright side - you've made NBA history twice in a week. That's got to be worth something. Get you a slick little T-shirt concept and market that bad boy during your down time. Maa' fact - those joints might come in handy as extra income generators during your upcoming rap album tour. Just look at how much time you'll have on your hands to to promote that bad boy? Is that convenient or what. You were just asking for a little time off to attend to that stuff anyway. The Lord works in mysterious ways don't he?

Now I understand that losing $5 million from your fat stack is going to sting a little bit but see, that's where that whole T-shirt gimmick can work for you. Think about it, homey. You could design you something fancy like a white crew-neck T with the words "Beer Attack" on the front and a picture on the back of a beat up face (one eye swolle, hickey on his forehead, two missing teeth) wearing a cockeyed Piston's hat and the words "Will Get Yo Face Smacked" underneath. Awww yeah - that joint would be simple and understated. The ultimate in urban elegance. Who wouldn't want one of those bad boys? Save one for me, y'all!

Now let's look at the story inside the story, y'all. First, old Tyrone is going to have to agree with one school of thought that says the quality of fundamental play in the NBA has been declining for years. To wit - our shabby showing in the 2004 Summer Games. It's been a long time coming and now it's finally here, y'all. The end of American basketball dominance. And how sad is that? We invented the game! Check my August 16th column for my initial gripe about this sad state of affairs. So now we have immature, unsound players (aka high schoolers) rolling into the league. A bunch of shake and bake, freestyle freelancers who never met a dribble they wanted to give up or a ball they wanted to pass. It's a trifling world full of players who prefer to skip practice and just show up for games and skip the regular season and just show up for the playoffs. Shame, shame. Now mix this madness with an equal part of pervasive hip-hop culture that attracts young black men like a Victoria's Secret video shoot (the Tyra collection) and you can see where this chest thumping madness is coming from. To wit Diddy's champagne bottle greeting, Shyne's shootout on Diddy's (and J Lo's) behalf, the still unsolved 2Pak and Biggie whackings (which deserves it's own column), Fiddy's 9 slugs and the latest highlight on the police blotter, Young Buck's attempted murder arrest for slipping a knife in during the Vibe brawl. These are the new role models for the NBA crew. The real question is why this type of brawl didn't happen sooner. Now we have fools flexin' and willing to protect their rep at any cost. It's Thug Life NBA style y'all. Please. You better nip this one - D. Stern or NBA will stand for NoBody Attending. We can just watch it all unfold in a rap video - at least those bad boys have video hootchies rocking it owwwwttttt!

My Shorty of the Week again goes to that fine multicultural shorty Rosario Dawson who's dropping in Oliver Stone's Alexander this week. Rosario remains atop my all time finest jail birds list (sorry - Martha didn't make the cut again this year, y'all).



Sunday, November 21, 2004

T.O., Nicholette, Christina & Britney - Whaattt?

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, there's too much madness blowing around for old Tyrone not to weigh in with his piece, Let's go right away to the Monday Night Football replays shall we? To paraphase that well known urban homey Lil' Jon - Whaatttt? Come on, y'all. What folks need to be up in arms about is not that fine shorty Nicholette Sheridan showing in a towel in the Eagles locker room but why it is that there are no black families living with the Desperate Housewives on Wisteria Lane. Not one, y'all (at least none that old Tyrone has peeped). Seems to be some real estate red lining going on. Don't get me wrong - Terrie, Felicity, Eva, Marcia and Nicholette are fine in their own way, but come on, you telling me there's no room for Vanessa Williams, Elise Neal or Jasmine Guy to move in across the street? What about the Huxtables? Shame, Shame. T.O. and Nicholette in a towel - come on, y'all! Grow up or head to Utah and start you one of those M. Night Shamalan villages.

Along those same lines, old Tyrone is happy to report that our favorite All American company Abercombie & Fitch has done nothing wrong yet they settled their "class-action federal discrimination lawsuit that accused the clothing retailer of promoting whites at the expense of minorities". A & F had to part with $40 million of their fat stack y'all for among other things "promoting a virtually all-white image in its catalog and elsewhere". Please. Not A & F. Go see how ridulous that charge is by checking out the ethnic diversity of its web site . Man, I hate frivolous law suits...

Hey, riddle me this Batman. What's the difference between Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears? It's basics, y'all. You see Christina can actually sing! Yeah she can look a little wigged out at time since she turned over her Christina X leaf but there's no denying old girl's got the pipes. Britney on the other hand has been looking pretty trailer trashy lately and would be lost in the woods without pre and post processing on her "singing" voice. Christina put her foot into a couple new tracks - Nelly's "Tilt Ya Head Back" and the remake of the old school standard "Car Wash" from the Shark Tale soundtrack. Awwww yeah. And speaking of Nelly, y'all noticing the new phenomenon going on in hip-hop with these cross genre collaborations? Nelly and country boy Tim McGraw in "Over and Over" (smooth cut y'all), Public Enemy and techno boy Moby in "Make Love, F**K War", Jay-Z and rap rockers Linkin Park in "Numb/Encore". I'm liking it. Our hip-hop brothers (even the cell block brothers who need to fall up into a church and find what they're not looking for) are sly, Jack. They're widening the audience and figuring out new cash streams just like the majority culture. Branching out into merchandise (clothes, beverages, perfume/cologne, etc.), media (offshoot video projects) and untapped musical markets. Who'd have thought we'd be here now when Sugar Hill dropped "Rapper's Delight" waaaay back in the day? My people, my people.

Finally, from the hootchie files - our 2nd favorite Pussy Cat (as in Josie and Pussy Cats and as in Rosario Dawson is our all time favorite Pussy Cat) Tara Reid is back at it again. The boozy babe pulled a unintentional Lil' Kim by going with the one breast in, one breast out look on the red carpet at our boy Diddy's 35th birthday bash. Typical - always trying to attract the attention of a casting agent. At first I was wondering how it's possible for one side of a dress to slip down without noticing that your breast is hanging out, then I went to the tape and took a closer look (research for this column don't you know) and it seems to me that bad boy's not 100% all natural (shocking!). Hmmm, must be the harder they are, the less you feel.... Big ups to for the glossies!

I'm out, y'all. I'm headed down to City Hall on P. Diddy's behalf to petition to get an opening on Chicago's Magnificent Mile for a Sean Jean store. Why should New York's 5th Avenue have all the fun?



Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Surviving Destiny's Child

Wassup Y'all!

Is it me or is Destiny's Child more visible than GW in Florida between hurricanes? Our girls have been all over ABC - Monday Night Football, GMA, 20/20 (tomorrow). I caught them on my show, 106 & Park on Monday and saw Michelle take a fall when they came sauntering out for their performance of 'Soldier'. The fall was funny (cuz old girl wasn't hurt) but what was funnier was Kelly's reaction to it. She watched her fall, kinda had a look that said 'Girl, no your a** didn't just fall' and then went straight into her dance - didn't even try to help old girl up. To Michelle's credit she got up and slipped right back into the beat - Where they at? Where they at?

Now after all this time of trying to teach my nephew to be a fine upstanding gentleman with the shorties, here come Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle talking bout "Better be street if you're lookin' at me'. Now the little homey wants to wrap his teeth in gold tin foil, wear a tight wife beater and kick a doo rag with a hat cocked to the side. He and his little troopers are pimping out their BMXs with spinners and hydraulics thinking that's the way to get with fine shorties like Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle. Shame, shame. To their credit, DC does halfway redeem themselves with another cut on their new album called Cater to U where they sing about gettin' they man's slippers and what not. Can't hate on that y'all! Anyway, for all you young shorties who plan to adopt that whack dating blueprint, let me drop the following cautionary glossy.

Ladies - that your street soldier on the left. Have fun at the family reunion next summer - Yeeeahhhh!

Now, kinda like Pete Best the infamous 'fifth' Beatle, you have to wonder what former group members LaTavia Roberson, LeToya Luckett & Farrah Franklin are thinking about DC's' mega fortune and fame. Here's an early DC glossy to get y'all reoriented.

That's LaTavia at the top left and LeToya at the bottom right in happier days. I can't place those other two hard looking Houston sisters in the glossy - where's blonde Beyonce and cinnamon haired Kelly? Side Note: I might have to find LeToya and drop my digits... Word is all three ladies are still in the biz but unlike DC those three are about as visible as John Kerry after the election. Farrah did have time in her bizzy schedule to flaunt some femine wiles in the Mar/Apr '04 issue of King Magazine - The Illest Men's Magazine. To wit, our third and final glossy of the evening (it's worth the wait y'all).

Farrah Franklin

Take that Beyonce! Okay, okay, I'll admit it will take more than that glossy to bump you off your Crazy In Love video perch. My carpets are still steaming and the last time I cue'd up that video was about two months ago.... Woooo.

Alright y'all - I'm ghost. I'm a go lose my breath (by watching DC's Lose My Breath video...again...for the tenth time....tonight)



Monday, November 15, 2004

No Sunset on Selma

Wassup Y'all!

My bad for being away so long. You know old Tyrone took the election pretty hard. Just when you think you can trust Florida, here comes that 'hi' in the middle state. I been licking my wounds down at Winky's with the fellas, plottin' strategy for 2006. The revolution's still being televised, y'all! Today's Boondocks about sums up my feelings on that joint. In the future, I hope to have guest bloggers drop by while I'm vacationing cuz I know y'all be missing my daily dose - sho you right.

Now on with the show. In happier political news, our boy Smooth Barack is on Capitol Hill today grooving through 'freshman' orientation. Awwww yeah, y'all. Remember Freshman O on campus? A new class of fresh shorties every year... It was a simpler, more happy time. If y'all remember the TV movie Keep the Faith, Baby about Adam Clayton Powell's move to Washington as a freshman congressman from his "kingdom of Harlem", you can pretty much imagine the fun Smooth Barak is having adding some much needed contrast to the Harvard & Yale Boys Club of America aka the U.S. Senate. Of course the best part of that movie was my girl Vanessa Williams and her fine self (note to Rick - You Dummy!). It was also interesting to note that ACP built his momentum to get to congress by backdooring A. Philip Randolph for the nomination. But hey - as we now know - that's politics, baby. For y'all brothers down at Winky's corner store talkin' 'bout A. Philip Who? - Check out his story in 10,000 Black Men Named George on DVD or video - know your history, y'all!

Speaking of Powells - our boy Colin finally got it right, renounced the Dark Side and joined the revolution today. It's bittersweet though y'all as our girl Condoleeza has now been completely seduced by the Dark Side. I had to work my Chocolate City contacts to grab her upcoming official State Department glossy. It ain't pretty y'all....

Condoleeza Rice

If you thought those European homeys were nervous before wait until they get the feel of C-Rice's light staff up they backside. Old girl don't play and that ain't even an exaggeration. Shoot France and Germany might as well get to bending over right now....

Alright, alright - man can't live on politics alone and your boy Tyrone is here to drop some dessert on y'all. I happen to wander my way into that new Selma Hayek flick After The Sunset and I'm still trying roll my tongue back into my head. Daaaaaaaaamn! That's right y'all. Selma pulled a 10 'A' Damn performance. Man - I knew old girl was fine, but I had no idea she was fooooine (note to Ed - You Dummy!)! That movie was a showcase for the hotty with body where a jewel heist accidently broke out. I'm installing Senorita Selma as this week's Shorty of the Week (and check out my column from August 24th to make sure you feel me on this one), but I was also woofing on Naomie Harris. She previously starred in that living dead flick 28 Days Later and you will hardly recognize her. The island ambiance did old girl a world of good. Here's a glossy so you can confirm my actual factuals.

Naomie Harris

Fellas - you'd be wise to check it out while it's still on the BIG screen. Even though DVD's give you the ability to pause and rewind (even those instant bootleg joints you can get at Winky's), there's no substitute for seeing Selma and Naomi on the 20' x 30' widescreen (unless you're Shaq y'all know you ain't rolling like that in the crib). 'ear me now, rude bwhy!