Monday, December 22, 2008

Ty Ain't Got No Samuel L. Jackson Spirit

Wassup, Y'all!

I'll admit it. I'm so tired of Samuel L. Jackson's a$$ I'm thinkin' about sittin' out the upcomin' Christmas Day premiere of 'The Spirit' (in which he stars as the evil villan The Octopus) even though that's a movie that's right up my alley. That brother hasn't had a breakout role since he played 'Gator' in 'Jungle Fever'. 

Okay - I'll give him a little dap for 'Pulp Fiction' but that's it, y'all. The rest of his other 400 movies have been one note performances. When's this brother gonna say 'no' to a movie script - especially those sci-fi joints? What's next Samuel L.? A remake of 2001: A Space Odessey with you as Dave Bowman?? You gonna start hollerin' and get all medieval with HAL the homicidal computer? It's time you take a seat at the back of the room and get a little more selective with your choices. At least act like you're giving other southside actors a shot at more than a minute of screen time...

A quick look at Samuel L.'s upcoming docket reveals no less than five projects in 2009 (though three are voice work projects but that's the most annoying thing about his performances - all that hollerin' and enunciating) and already one penciled in for 2010 - ol Ty's beloved 'Iron Man'. Nooooooooo - don't let that brother mess up my Iron Man 2 experience!

Now don't get me wrong, y'all. I'm all for a well spoken brother that knows how to enunciate the King's English but a little proper enunciation goes a long, long way. Take Larry Fishburne for example. That brother can enunciate with the best of them. You hear every syllable of every word. You hear every accent on every syllable. But what you don't hear (or see) is Larry's a$$ every twenty-five seconds in an upcomin' movie trailer. It's like Mama Malone always says, 'Everything in moderation' - particularly when she spots me with half the Red Velvet Cake at holiday gatherings...but I digress.

Samuel L.! Take a page from the Will Smith book of becoming a blockbuster movie star - pick two or three diverse roles each year and play the hell out of them. Keep switchin' up - action one minute, romantic comedy the next followed by a meaty family drama of some kind. Quit being a one trick pony, fast paycheck ho - your Screen Actor's Guild card ain't going run away if you take a little time off! Let folks miss you and thoughfully ask, 'Man - when's Samuel L. gonna drop another one?' instead of seein' you in every movie trailer that comes out and thoughtfully askin', 'When the hell is that brother gonna go away?'. You feel me? Don't be the southside Sarah Palin. Take a break and take that under advisement.

In the meantime, holler back if you can hook me up with Eva Mendes' digits...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Act Three: Jesse Jr. - The Federal Rat

Wassup, Y'all!

This one surprised even me. One minute ol Ty's gettin' ready to start fresh and move on from J-Jack, Jr.'s Chicago soap opera, the next minute CNN's reporting that homey's been a rat bastard confidential informant for the U.S. Attorney's office for ten years and droppin' dimes on F-Rod Blagojevich for the last two (dap to whataboutourdaughters.com for hippin' Ty to these actual factuals). Y'all know I'm playin' with that 'rat bastard' stuff. Ol Ty's been known to take in a mob flick or two and we know there's no love lost between those boys and federal informants. In this case though, this unexpected twist just might be Jr.'s road back from the wilderness....

It's interesting how the blocks seemingly keep falling together. Monday on 'Chicago Turns', ol Ty linked the fact that F-Rod mentioned he was getting 'big pressure' not to name Jr. to Smooth Barack's vacant senate seat to the fact his name got left off of Smooth's short list of 'acceptable' seat fillers. Last Friday, ol Ty mentioned that F-Rod said that he wanted some 'up-front money' as proof that 'Senate Candidate #5' would come through on a promise to raise $500,000 for his re-election campaign because he had a previous bad experience with Senate Candidate #5 not keepin' his promises when it came to contributions. Now in CNN's report they note that, 'in 2002, Blagojevich — then running for governor of Illinois — solicited a $25,000 campaign donation from Jackson, which he did not get'. Not only that but at the time of the request for 25 large, Jr.'s wife was up for the Lottery Commission Director's job - which she didn't get and the following year once F-Rod took office, he allegedly told Jr. 'You see what $25,000 would have done?' Now I don't know how they play it in other parts of the country but up in The Windy - that's a straight beat down comment with a rib kick finish.

The way this is headin' you half expect F-Rod to turn up in an ice chunk in the Chicago River very, very soon. As for Jr.? Man, this is turnin' into a straight popcorn movie, y'all. Lookin' forward to the next episode.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Monday, December 15, 2008

Jesse Jackson, Jr. To Obama: Et Tu, Smooth?

Wassup, Y'all!

Occasionally in high school English class, ol Ty would take his mind off the honeys long enough to actually read an assignment or two. I appreciated Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar' cuz it was kinda gangster - like Nino Brown and his crew in 'New Jack City'. Ultimately, JC became a legend in his own mind and his crew stabbed his a$$ to death - includin' his boy Brutus who had been his homey from way back. As his life dripped away, JC looked over to Brutus and dropped the immortal quote, 'Et tu, Brute?', questioning how even his boy could dog him so coldly.

Now as Jesse Jackson, Jr. continues to plead for his political life and more details emerge about the events leading up to the 'Let's Make A Deal' ruckus surrounding Smooth Barack's vacant senate seat, one thing is clear: Despite J-Jack, Jr. being a co-chair of Smooth's national campaign and publically layin' out his pop for his 'off mic' comments about wantin' to cut of Smooth's testicles for talkin' down to southsiders, Smooth consipicuously left Jr.'s name off his short list of 'acceptible' candidates for his senate seat. Daaaaaang - et tu, Smooth? Et tu?...

Smooth's girl Valerie Jarrett, Smooth's Illinois protege Tammy Duckworth, Illinois Comptroller Ed Hynes, U.S. Rep Jan Schakowsky and last minute addition Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan? All on 'the list'. Where's Jr.? Left the hell out - that's where. In last Friday's post, written after my extensive analysis of the government's 78 page federal criminal compliant of governor F-Rod Blagojevich's bush league behavior, I called out the fact that F-Rod mentioned that he was getting 'big pressure' not to award the seat to Jr. My question at that time was, 'from who?' Now I'm not sayin', y'all. I'm just sayin'.

I can't quite explain the lack of J-Jack, Jr. love from Camp Obama except that maybe Smooth wasn't really quite as understanding of J-Jack, Sr.'s testicular comments as he made out to be. Could homey still be a little salty? And if so, what kind of future treatment can Governor F-Rod expect from Smooth after referrin' to him as a mother-f$%ker? Hell hath no fury like a homeboy dissed, y'all. Good luck, F-Rod. 

Jr.! Maybe a well timed fruit basket would help, homey. Nothing says you care like some Fuji apples and a few easy peel clementines.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Friday, December 12, 2008

1 Jesse Jackson Jr. = 1 Senate Candidate #5

Wassup, Y'all!

As I speculated in my Wednesday post on the sad shenanigans perpetrated by our Illionois Governor F-Rod Blagojevich, up and comin' Chicago congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. has been identified as the infamous 'Senate Candidate #5' - the candidate outed in the 78-page federal criminal complaint as a candidate desiring Smooth Barack Obama's vacant senate seat and seemingly willing to 'pay to play' with F-Rod by offering between $500,000 to $1 million to his re-election campaign....

Naturally, J-Jack, Jr. is vigorously defendin' his innocence and publically stated that it's an 'impossibility' that someone on his behalf could have made such an offer but you have to wonder why F-Rod and his crew would lie about the existence of that offer if they weren't aware they were being recorded by the feds? Something fishy is going on in J-Jack land which is unfortunate since ol Ty thought he was actually qualified for the vacancy on his own merits built as a congressman.

Initially it appears that F-Rod was just throwin' J-Jack's name out there to put pressure on Smooth's team to 'sweeten the pot' if they wanted to see Smooth's girl Valerie Jarrett get the seat. Later on, the F-Rod team alludes to 'evelating' the possibility of J-Jack, Jr. gettin' the seat because they think there's a possibility of gettin' some chedda 'up front'. Apparently a J-Jack, Jr. emissary said that J-Jack, Jr. could put things in place to generate the $500,000-$1million if needed. F-Rod wanted a piece of that up-front to make sure that J-Jack, Jr. followed through. Apparently, F-Rod had a previous bad experience with J-Jack, Jr. not following through on promises hence his tactic to try and get him to put some skin in the game with an up-front payment.

All this is alledged to have gone on despite the fact that F-Rod was claiming that he was getting big pressure *not* to give the seat to J-Jack, Jr. From who? I guess time will tell as this thing gets juicier by the day. What's clear in all this is that J-Jack, Jr.'s once promising political career is in serious jeopardy. It's going to be interesting to see if he can recover - and possibly just run for the seat outright in 2010, but as more details emerge that possibility seems to be gettin' dimmer by the day. Ahhh Chicago politics :-)

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

F-Rod: Illinois Goes from Obama High to New Low

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - just when Illy was gettin' some positive, Smooth Barack related press along comes Rod 'Tony Soprano' Blagojevich to help it reclaim its title as one of the most policially corrupt states in the Union. You got to give it up to F(**k)-Rod - homey was swingin' for the fences behind in the count 0-2, but obviously cousin didn't watch those 'Soprano' or 'The Wire' episodes too closely or he wouldn't have been jibber-jabbering out of school over compromised phone lines.

Now instead of featherin' his post governor nest with a ton of ill-gotten paper, he'll likely be headed for a cell next to our former corrupt Governor George Ryan (unless he gets his sentence commuted by GW on his way out the door). Seems to me, now that F-Rod has established a new bottom for blatent corruption, ol Ty would have to say that won't help Ryan's case out too much. If I'd have know that Smooth's Senate seat was up for sale, I'd have tossed my hat into the ring too. I got a couple homeys who would have staked me - even have a couple suits too...

I can't believe that F-Rod was mixin' Smooth's name in all that foul language. Motherf****r this, f**k that. A potty mouth like that will fit in very nicely in federal prison - especially once Tossed Salad Man shows up with his jar of Smucker Grape Jelly. The irony is that once he goes to prison, his pardon request will have to go through Smooth. That's what writers call 'delicious irony', y'all. It doesn't get more tasty than that, but given Smooth's 'turn the other cheek, 'team of rivals'' attitude you'd have to wonder if ol boy just might consider that kind of madness. But that's Smooth. Ol Ty? F-Rod's a$$ would be on the next flight down to Guantanemo for some daily waterboarding until he could correctly answer the question, 'Who's your daddy now?' But that's just me, y'all.

Anyway, this should be some good theater watching all this play out. It must have been wild to be F-Rod yesterday - wakin' up a state governor with about 70 money making irons in the fire and going to bed last night national public enemy #1 and wishing it was Monday again. F**k that, F-Rod. Like my main man Sammy Davis, Jr. used to sing before every episode of 'Baretta' - 'Don't to the criiiiiime, if you can't do the time'. See you on Court TV, homey!

In the meantime - Jesse Jr.! You bet not be Senate Candidate #5! And there's about one guy I'd like to see as the next governor of Illinois - U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald - the last Boy Scout. All ol boy ever does is his job. Can't ask for more.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Monday, December 08, 2008

No Cryin' For OJ, Y'all!

Wassup, Y'all!

Here's how I see it. There are stupid brothers - Plaxico, Mike Vick, T.I., Boy King Kwame, blada, blada, blada - and then there's OJ. Two distinct events occurred on Friday after Judge Jackie 'I Don't Even Play' Glass dropped her sentence of 9-33 years in prison - northsiders, who believed they'd been short-changed after No-J's double murder trial, rejoiced that justice had finally been served and southsiders collectively scratched their heads at how one brother could be so damn stupid.

I've commented before on the night and day northside/southside reaction to No-J's double murder acquittal. It wasn't that we didn't think homey was guilty. No. Rather that inappropriately joyous reaction, in my opinion, resulted from the sudden, collective realization that even southside money could buy justice in the court system. We finally had our own southside Claus Von Bulow. Yeah - I know that's triflin' but when you've been beat down by the justice system for so long you tend to take 'em where you can get 'em...

So despite losing a multi-million dollar civil suit related to the double murders, becomin' a walking parriah and knowin' that Johnny Cochran wouldn't be comin' back from the great beyond just in case his a$$ needed savin' again, brother No-J decides that it would be a good idea to get a couple homeys and some guns and roll up into a Vegas hotel room to 'get his $hit back'. $hit that clearly must have been worth 9-33 years of his life. That's what ol Ty calls some 'Really 'Good $hit', y'all. Maybe he really believed that 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas' jibber-jabber. Or maybe he was just stupid.

I was down at Winky's Corner Store on Saturday - out front chewin' down some fruity Starburst and one of the bad neighborhood kidz named Romello asked me why I thought No-J was so stupid. 'After all', he said, 'you just can't let another homey steal your $hit without some consequences and repercussions'. I said, 'Look here Romello. No-J was a brother who liked to play with matches. Say one day he decides to go into a gasoline factory and spark off a few. Next thing he knows the factory catches fire, he's caught in a corner and the main gas tank is about to blow. He's a gonner for sure until a fireman named Johnny Cochran swings in, scoops him up and carries him up a rope and through a skylight to safety just before the whole factory blows sky high. Now if the very next day, No-J goes back into another gasoline factory and starts sparkin' off some more matches, what would you call him?'

Romelo thought about that for a few and finally said, 'Stupid'. 'Exactly', I said givin' him a dap. 'Now you're feelin' me.' Lil homey smiled and rolled out and I reached for the rest of my Starbursts only to find that his little a$$ had boosted them right out of my pocket. For a minute I thought about getting a couple of homeys together and some guns and rollin' up on his backyard treehouse to 'get my $hit back' but I ultimately ended up back in mama's basement typin' this post.

Mama Malone didn't raise no dummies, y'all...unlike Mama Simpson.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

The end of Detroit's Sex Text Scandal

Wassup, Y'all!

I dropped my 'Kwame Kilpatrick: Boy King To Do A Bid' post a little more than a year ago in the wake of Boy King's admission of guilt in the scandalous Detroit Sex Text ruckus, ol Ty speculated on the fate of his undercover lover Christine 'C-Beat' Beatty. My contention was that ol boy would leave her twistin' in the wind as he weasled the best plea deal he could get for himself. After all, undercover lovers don't really look all that good in the light of day - they're much more attractive muted in shadows and dangerous intrigue - LOL!...

Well the shoe dropped on C-Beat yesterday as she entered her own guilty plea and choked out a few heartfelt, "Mama No"s as she was ordered to read a statement aloud in the courtroom admitting her lyin', cheatin' ways. Gotta like that in the justice system. Like when they put celebrities out on the street to do menial labor for all to see (Boy George, Naomi) or publish the names of homeys caught visitin' the shortys on the stroll down on lower Wacker. It reminds me of the glossys I saw of a southside mother who made her teenage son hold a sign up on a public street declarin' that he wanted to 'go to jail to visit his daddy' after he got caught stealin. His mama pulled up a lawn chair and got her lemonade on while she sat next to him all damn day.  Ahhhh - southside tough love.

Guess that approach works for grown folks too as the report says that C-Beat couldn't even get it out she was cryin' so hard. The judge had to call a brief pause for the cause but still made her do it. So ends a sad chapter in Detroit history, an era that included a political implosion, an auto industry implosion, a housing market implosion, a football team implosion and a fashion implosion brought on by those fashionably questionable short sets.  Man - what a fall. From top of the world, running a major American city to straight convict #1238475, moppin' floors and hearin' whispers in the night about how 'Im a get that pretty a$$'.

Cautionary tale y'all! Kanye heard 'em say, 'Nothin's ever promised tomorrow today'. Keep ya head up, Motown! Better days are comin'.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Monday, December 01, 2008

It Was Plaxico, In His Pants, With The Revolver

Wassup, Y'all!

In the perfect companion piece to my 'Was it Marvin, At The Club, With The Belgian Gun?' post - a well written summary of Indianpolis Colts wide reciever Marvin Harrison's shadowy involvement in a nightclub shooting - we now have Knucklehead #1 Plaxico Burress apparently gettin' all medieval with himself by fumblin' a gun in his pants and accidently shooting a hole in his thigh (hence the Texico The Clown glossy at right). Quit laughin', y'all - that ain't right.

Maybe Texico didn't know that every gun comes with a safety which, when engaged, will prevent your dumb a$$ from shootin' a hole in your thigh if you should fumble your gat in your pants. And maybe Texico also didn't know that in New York, if you have no permit for your gat and you carry it around all concealed like that you're lookin' at a mandatory 3 1/2 year bid. Looks like ol Ty may have to put up a new countdown clock next to Mike Vick's (y'all notice I refused to put up a T.I. count down clock least I get a silent cap popped in my a$$)....

Now callin' Texico an idiot would be unkind to the idiot. The idiot is just, well, an idiot. Texico is the idiot who just signed a $35 million dollar contract at the beginning of the season (after playin' hurt the entire '08 season and pullin' down the Superbowl winning touchdown), spent most of the season being ineffective (why not? Dude already signed the new contract), then decided that rollin' to a club with a concealed weapon and shootin' himself in the thigh was a lot better than being a starting NFL player with a $35 million dollar contract. I have to respectfully disagree. I'll admit it's a pretty tough choice but ol Ty would probably opt to get his moves on in the NFL and spend the fiddy-three mil on a world wide travelin' spree during the off-season. But that's just me. Clearly southside homeys with 'X's in their names from Norfolk prefer the late night club ruckus and bullet holes in their thighs (and, I admit, some pretty good seafood).

*Sigh* In the end, Texico couldn't even catch a gun in his pants. Looks like his last catch may be a 3 1/2 year bid. Go long, Texico! Go looooooong!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Jay-Z's Girl Out Earns Will Smith's Girl

Wassup, Y'all!

I just threw that out there to start some ruckus, y'all. You know how competitive these celebrity couples are. You can bet your last money that they're all workin' ALL their connections deep into the night to make sure they can get the closest spot to Smooth and 'Chelle at the inauguration and you know they'll ALL be at Oprah's 'monstrous' inauguration gala (tho J's gonna have to check his two .9's and ankle knife at the door (dude - you ain't foolin' nobody with the Gucci tuxes) and Flava? Prolly his big-a$$ clock and all his teeth). But just like little kidz on the playground braggin' on their pops, celebrity husbands like to do some braggin' on their girlz - either the lastest movie/video they shot or the last plate of paper they stacked. In Beyonce's case - ol girl is getting big props on both. Forbes just tabbed J&B as the 'richest celebrity couple' clockin' their annual chedda-fest at $162 million - nearly twice the $85 million the Smith's brought home last year...

Now I ain't sayin', y'all - I'm just sayin' - is Jada even workin' or is she playin' the homemaker role? Yeah, yeah - Madagascar 2 notwithstanding ol Ty's thinkin' ol girl's not pullin' her own weight right now. Willow and Jaden's lil a$$es are big enough to be home alone while mama's out bringin' home at least $80 million. I'm sure now that the numbers are out, the Smiths will be headed to couples counseling shortly - you know Big Willie Style hates to be Number 2, especially when he keeps seein' Bey's new 'Single Ladies' video. The homeys have that one in heavy rotation. Man - Bey even has her own Youtube channel - what's Jada bringin' to the table besides two precocious kidz?

Forbes put the Jay-Z/Bey loot at pretty much fiddy/fiddy with J bringin' $82 million to the table (how the hell is hip-hop still so lucrative?) against Bey's $80 million. Man with that kinda money, I bet ol girl still looks good with curlers, green face cream *and* her mama sittin' next to her. Just playin', y'all. 

Anyway, now that the pressure's on, you gotta know Jada's gonna be tryin' to up her $5 million take next year. Maybe if she throws in a part-time Avon or Amway gig - like mama tried to hook me up with - that would at least help her jack that up by two or three hundred. Yo Jada - holler if you want the Amway kit - ol Ty still has a few extras...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Monday, November 24, 2008

Smooth Documentary Already Lined Up

Wassup, Y'all!

I have to admit that ol Ty is a sucker for historical documentaries so I was happy to hear that HBO recently struck a deal with Class 5 Films (Edward Norton's production company) to air their Smooth Barack documentary in Spring '09.

I've always been a fan of Edward Norton's in front of the screen work (Primal Fear remains in my Ty's Top Ten Movies list) but I also have to give him serious behind the screen props for having the foresight to lock down permission from the Smooth camp for 2 1/2 years of '"unprecedented" access to the candidate, his family, friends and campaign volunteers'. The cameras started rolling before Smooth's Springfield presidential announcement and kept rolling right through the election. It should be good stuff, but I'm wondering how noted southside actors and directors got caught flat-footed on this one? Spike? Denzel? Oprah? Will? I know y'all really don't need any more paper, but E-Norton did score a seven figure deal with HBO for thinking ahead. Not to mention ol boy was savvy enough to use the same cat - Sam Pollard - who edited Spike's own groundbreaking Katrina documentary, 'When The Levees Broke'. Dang, Spike! As NS Shorty is known to say, 'ooooo, ouch'...

But ol Ty ain't takin' nothing away from fast Eddie - the early bird gets the worm and I'm just happy that someone had the good sense to keep the cameras rolling on this history making run. Now hopefully, some new crew (or the same crew) will keep the cameras rolling for all that good behind-the-scenes footage that just keeps getting better with age. I just caught a documentary of the Kennedy days in office just a couple weeks ago and it's amazing the things you learn when you get an inside look at just how things were going down. Very cool.

At some point though, I'm expecting Will Smith to follow through on Smooth's notion of Big Willy Style playing the President-Elect in a future bio-pic. I expect his Overbrook Production company is already working behind the scenes to secure those rights. Now I'm just wondering who they would cast as 'Chelle? Any thoughts, y'all?

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Thursday, November 20, 2008

House Negro? It's On Like Hot Buttered Popcorn

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - today's the beginning of the end of Al Qaeda now that AQ #2, Ayman al-Zawahri found it necessary to go all pre-reconstruction on President-Elect Smooth by dippin' into the Dixie dictionary and pullin' out 'House Negro'. What's homey know about 'House Negros' anyway? That's a term that supposed to stay in the fam. My cousin Rock-Mart can break that out on me or vice versa because we're both in the same fam - but a 3rd party? 'Specially a 3rd party livin' in a cave on the Afghan/Pakistan border? That's what the homeys from the hood fondly call 'talkin' out of school', an act worthy of a man-sized beat down even if you do try to clean it up by invoking the memory of brother Malcolm. Ain't no cleanin' up that ruckus.

The good news is that the 'House Negro' will soon be given the keys to The Big House and all the perks that come along with it. That would include tactical nuclear weapons, Predator unmanned aircraft, cruise missiles, smart bombs, bunker buster bombs and a host of other tools designed for cleaning out even the most well decorated caves. 

That stuff is moot though now that AQ #2 decided to go all 'House Negro'. Word on the street is that the homeys are already on their way to the Afghan/Pakistani border flush with some .9mms, brass knuckles and a few socks filled with quarters. I give them a week before a new video surfaces with the homeys cold chillin' in the Al Qaeda cave with AQ #2 servin' up Hypnotiq and rib-tip sandwiches.

AQ #2! Homeys don't play that!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Monday, November 17, 2008

Ebony Magazine asks 'How You Like Me Now?'

Wassup, Y'all!

If you grew up in the Southside Nation or had a couple southside friends that you would holler at over at their crib, you no doubt saw either a copy of Ebony magazine, Jet Magazine or both splayed over the coffee table. Since Ebony debuted in 1942 as the more obviously titled 'Negro Digest', it became a southside staple by being pretty much the only large circulation magazine that profiled southside movers and shakers (celebrities, politicians, athletes, etc.) during a time that nearly all of the mainstream magazines chose not too. It was our 'separate but equal' People magazine and though now, southside folk appear in all manner of mainstream magazines, both Ebony and Jet maintain a genuine fondness in southsiders' hearts. So ol Ty was happy to hear that when it came time for Smooth Barack and 'Chelle to choose a magazine to give their first post election magazine interview and photo shoot to, they chose Chicago based Ebony magazine...

If I didn't know before (which I did, y'all) that Smooth and 'Chelle were going to be far from your ordinary First Family, I just checked out their 60 Minutes interview and as a couple, those two are typical - jokin', takin' sly digs and being imminently appreciative of the other. By choosing Ebony over any other of the hundreds of 'mainstream' magazines vying for the honor, they send yet another signal that this isn't going to be business as usual, y'all. Change has come to America any time a first time interview with Smooth and 'Chelle can be one page away from the latest on Jay-Z and Be's business or Ebony's advice columnist breakin' the sad news to Roshanda that her baby's daddy is likely already kickin' it with his other baby's mama.

Anyway - big basement props to Mr. & Mrs. Smooth for keepin' it real.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone


P.S. Yo Ebony subscription department! My bad! Ol Ty's check is in the mail...

Friday, November 14, 2008

Biggest Climate Threat? Kanye West

Wassup, Y'all!

I have to admit that I've known some braggadocios brothers in my checkered past - Ali, Mike Tyson, Fiddy, all my homeys at Ray's Barbershop but all those brothers pale in comparison to the incomparable, high capacity carbon dioxide exhaust system known as Kanye West. You would think that after recent life events that this brother would take a pause for the cause and reassess just what's important in life. Here's a hint 'Ye - it ain't you..

You know how it is when you can take something good and turn it really, really bad? Like tiltin' back thirty Pixie Sticks in an hour and hurling for the rest of the night. Like forcin' down that thirteenth slice of pepperoni, sausage, mushroom, pineapple pizza and hurlin' for the rest of the night. Like drinkin' your way to the bottom of seven pitchers of beer and hurling for the rest of the night. That's Kanye when it comes to self confidence. He's turned that positive trait into a sad, twisted, unrecognizable parody of itself. K-West's latest bit of self aggrandizement came during a London interview where Kanye proclaimed himself, 'The voice of this generation'. In his estimatation when all is said and done, his voice will have been the loudest. Hmmm...it sure won't be the humblest.

I don't know. Maybe I'm lookin' at this climate thing with Kanye all wrong, y'all. You know I'm one to always try and turn a negative into a positive so I plan to petition Gov. Schwarzenegger to chain that brother up on a hill in Cali so he can power one of those wind turbine farms. I'm figuring that he could power most of the Bay area for the next ten years...twenty if he gets dissed on the Grammys again.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

What's Wrong With My Code Names?

Wassup, Y'all!

I had to note with a little saltiness that the Secret Service went ahead and dismissed my suggestions for Obama family code names and decided to use their own. I'll refrain from citing this as a return to politics as usual since they also rejected my suggestion for GW's code name when he came to office back in 2000. At that time, I quietly rolled by the Treasury Department and dropped my suggestion into their Presidential Code Name suggestion box. My choice was 'Doofus' but they went with 'Tumbler' - a code name I thought had already gone to former President Gerald Ford (Passkey) because his clumsy a$$ kept fallin' down. But then GW did bust is a$$ a few times, first falling off a Segway and then falling off his mountain bike so I decided to give the Secret Service the benefit of the doubt...

So instead of Smooth, 'Chelle, Lil 'Chelle (Malia) and Cool Breeze (Sasha) those boys took the easy way out by throwing a dictionary at the wall and turning it over to the 'R' section to pull out the bogus 'Renegade', 'Renaissance', 'Radiance' and 'Rosebud'. Oh the indignity! They must have forgotten how much ol Ty contributed to the campaign or directly influenced the electoral outcome with his timely and insightful postings during the heat of the campaign. What's the world coming to when a brother can't even call in a favor like being able to bestow the family code names? I'm disillusioned, y'all, but before I throw in the towel and accept this uncalled for dissin', I'm going try one last time.

I'm on hold right now with the Secret Service command center with my code name suggestion for Smooth's mother-in-law, who's coming to D.C. to help out with Lil 'Chelle and Cool Breeze. Matter of fact, this suggestion came by way of Smooth while we were talkin' national strategy last night between Sports Center highlights. When I asked him how he felt about the fact that his mother-in-law would be hanging around 24/7 which meant he and 'Chelle couldn't be runnin' around the White House naked when they felt like it once the girls went to bed, he summed it up in two words - 'Bad News'. 

Ahhh, I can hear it now, y'all. Secret Service agents whisperin' into their little mics - 'Bad Newz is on the move' or 'Bad Newz' is in the White House, repeat, Bad Newz is in the White House'.  It's perfect. Now let these fools go another way on that one and ol Ty's gonna know somethin'.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Monday, November 10, 2008

Camelot Gives Way to Mixalot

Wassup, Y'all!

There have been a lot of comparisons between Smooth Barack and John Kennedy flyin' around based on their youth coming into office, the torch passin' to a new generation, being fathers to young children movin' into the White House,  a well dressed, pearl wearin' wife and the list goes on. All my homeys are already talkin' about finally takin' down Kennedy's picture (you know the one that's always hangin' next to the picture of Jesus) and now going with the trio of MLK, Smooth Barack and Jesus. And as the Kennedy picture finally gives way to Smooth Barack, ol Ty is thinkin' that Camelot - the term used to describe the Kennedy years in office - will now give way to the more appropriate term Mixalot for the Smooth years....

Now I don't want any comments about the source of the term 'Mixalot' - far as I know, Anthony 'Sir Mixalot' Ray didn't trademark the term so ol Ty is co-opting it since it conveys just the theme I'm lookin' for the rep the Smooth Administration - inclusive, diverse, and poppin' with a little flava (gotta like the notion of the tired White House bowling alley givin' way to an indoor basketball court to help the entire staff keep the weight off...plus Smooth can't eeeeven bowl). They're gonna be mixin' a lot of that together, y'all. And if I may add (albeit quite inappropriately), 'Baby Got Back' does fit our future First Lady - another historic first, y'all. 'Chelle - I ain't sayin', I'm just sayin', homegirl. It's all good.

So, y'all heard it hear first. When you see the Mixalot term gettin' picked up by CNN, HuffPo and Politico - remember who dropped it first. Personally, I'm lookin' forward to settlin' in and enjoyin' the next eight years of Mixalot. American definitely headed in the right direction but a little additional mixin' never hurt anybody.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Friday, November 07, 2008

Republicans Get Their Bitter On

Wassup, Y'all!

You only had to watch the Citizen McCain concession speech and the Smooth Barack acceptance speech to realize that Republicans are some small, petty, bitter a$$ folk. At the mention of Smooth's name Tuesday night, the McCain faithful immediately broke out the boos and needed to be quieted by Citzen like a daddy talkin' to his ill-behaved child. Contrast that ruckus to Smooth Barack mentionin' Citizen's name (to a crowd over 200,000 strong). No boos, just a smattering of applause and a disciplined adherance to that adage we all learned in kindergarten - 'If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing'. Smooth's 'bitter' comment was correct, y'all. It was just applied to the wrong segment of society. That segment is clearly the hard core Republican base. Ill mannered, ill behaved - truthfully that crew is just straight ill...

And those boos? That was the chariable stuff spewin' out of the red camp. Lately I've heard the conservative talkin' heads tryin' to excuse, or in some cases challenge the veracity of, all the hate talk buzzin' in those Say-Pay rallies during the closing days of the campaign. You know the ones. The ones where fools in the crowd were hollering 'Terrorist', 'Kill him' and all other crazy a$$ things at the mention of Smooth's name. Say-Pay didn't try to curb the crowd's hooligan behavior - instead she did her best to feed it. At every rally she stepped her 'Wasilla Hillbilly' behind into, she catered to the basest emotions of supporters who were obviously low brow troglodytes. Now the details are in on just how dangerous that tomfoolery was. Newsweek's behind the scenes report revealed that:

"The Obama campaign was provided with reports from the Secret Service showing a sharp and very disturbing increase in threats to Obama in September and early October, at the same time that the crowds at Palin rallies became more frenzied. Michelle Obama was shaken by the vituperative crowds and the hot rhetoric from the GOP candidates. 'Why would they try to make people hate us?' Michelle Obama said to a top campaign aide"

Exactly, 'Chelle. Why would they try to make people hate you? And just why, despite such dangerous and reckless behavior, does Say-Pay even remain popular among anybody? In my view, you're a reflection of the company you keep so what's that say about Say-Pay? Here's what ol Ty has to say - SEE YA, Elle May! Your exit from the public stage came about two months too late.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

P.S. And while I'm bashin' yo a$$ Say-Pay - thanks alot for the stock market drop yesterday! ABC News reported that retail sales were the lowest since 1969. Big losers? Saks down 16.6 % and Nordstrom down 15.7%. Dang, homegirl! This is not the time to stop buying clothes with other peoples' money!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Hail To The Smooth!

Wassup, Y'all!

If you've been missin' ol Ty the past few days it's because I've been pretty much paralyzed with nervousnous over the shrinkin' poll numbers in some key battleground states. Even tonight - early on - watching the returns come in I could barely stand to watch. Then came Pennsylvania and Ohio and New Mexico and the dawnin' realization that at that point, there was really no way Citizen McCain and Say Pay could win. After doing the happy dance with my girl and puttin' in a call to mama to hear her say once again that she thought she'd never see the day. Yeah - ol girl was a little emotional as was her baby boy who is absorbing just how big Smooth Barack's presidential win is.  To call it a seismic shift in the country would be greatly underestimating the case.

It's been a long haul, y'all. A loooong haul. I wrote my 'The Barack-Star U.S. Tour Begins...' back in February '07 when Smooth officially kicked off his presidential bid in Springfield. In actuality his campaign had been running since his keynote speech at the '04 Democratic convention. He survived it all, y'all. Rev J-Wright, Bill Ayers, Bitter-Gate, Joe The Plumber - all of it. That says a lot about the character of the nation and hopefully it will mean the gradual demise of the politics of hate and division as we've known it. Nothing stuck. Smooth transcended it all and now moves on to the hard work of putting it all back together again.

I'm looking forward to that process as well - it should be fascinating to see if his administration matches the historical prowess of his campaign operation and there's no reason to think that it won't. BIG kudos to his low-key master planners David Axelrod and David Plouffe who helped craft The Plan and stick to it with scrupulous discipline. Those cats have an open invitation to the basement anytime they want.

I have to admit I'm high on emotion and short on words at the moment. I'll have more to say about it - believe that, but for now let me just say that it's truly a great, great night. 

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Smooth Barack Rests His Case

Wassup, Y'all!

Damn. If you're Citizen McCain or his running mate silly Say-Pay that's pretty much all you could say in response to Smooth's 30 minute, prime time summation of his presidential campaign. Yeah, Citizen was wolfin' earlier in the day callin' it a coronation speech, a planned interruption of World Series coverage, blahda, blahda, blahda. All that was what Ol Ty and his crew call 'hatin'' in the hood. Straight hatin' - cuz any politician worth his salt would sell all his children, his wife *and* his mama to get that type of uninterrupted moment to state his case directly to the American people with the help of tight, highly polished production techniques...

Smooth had it all clickin', y'all. Touching vignettes of strugglin' middle-class families, outtakes of the most electric moments of his past speeches, American flags, amber waves of grain, his mingling with people from all classes and ethnicities on the campaign trail, small crowds, insanely huge crowds - every aspect that stirs emotion in any heart not made of stone or pumping conservative blood. Say what you want about Smooth and his crew, but they know their business and crafted a master campaign plan that will be *the* model to follow for elections to come.

It was a closing summation worthy of Perry Mason...or Johnny Cochran - 'If your opponent is old, you must be bold'. It was the perfect way to rest his case for the presidency. Put that up against Citizen's last best hope - non-stop mudslinging with nary a reference back to his own plans for America. Hope vs. Cynicism. Unity vs. Division. Thoughtful Deliberation vs. Shoot From The Lip Hip. Cool Hand Luke vs. Uncle Fester. Damn. This joint shouldn't even be close.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Boy King Kwame's New Throne

Wassup, Y'all!

If you look hard in the lower right hand corner of the glossy on the right, you'll see the 'throne' Boy King Kwame Kilpatrick will be shi...sittin' on for the next four months as he takes up residence in jail cell 14J-4 in the Wayne County jail. Just a small token of appreciation handed down to Boy King for perjuring himself, embarassing the city of Detroit and costing it $14 million in legal settlements and court costs. LOL!...

Despite the spartan digs, it seems that due to Boy King's notoriety, he'll be gettin' the 'good cell' at County which is more spacious than normal cells (twice the size) and has an attached shower to keep Boy King from havin' to worry about bendin' over after droppin his soap. Also, since he'll be segregated from gen pop it seems that even a night time visit from Tossed Salad Man is out of the question. Yet, Wayne County Sheriff Warren Evans said that Boy King 'will be treated like any other prisoner'. Ol Ty would have to respectfully disagree. Put his big a$$ in gen pop! At 6'4" you figure homey can take care of himself...unless he's soft.

Anyway, in Boy King's new digs, there's a little mirror that previous cell tenants have used to mark their passing. Most just left their tags or nicknames - such incarcerated luminaries as Bam-Bam, Repo, Little Dee and Crew Dad (what happened to Ray-Ray or Lump Nasty? I know those brothers got cycled through there at some point too!). But it seems one brother got a little introspective during his time in 14J-4 and scrawled a single word that encourages us to do the one thing we need to do to ensure that Boy King will just fade away when he gets sprung around Groundhogs Day '09. It said simply, 'Pray'.

Amen, my brother. Amen.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The High Tech Candidate Goes Virtual

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm sure a few of you regular readers, after enjoying (or suffering through) my endless post on Smooth Barack Obama, have asked yourselves, 'Just what is it that really makes Ty appreciate Smooth so much?' Is it his dazzling oratorical skillz? His calm, deliberate judgement? His ability to assemble a peerless political team? Put together a ground organization unrivaled in scope and operation in the history of politics? Raise more funds than all the political candidates in 2000 combined? His goal of uniting the country by emphasizing our common goals and ideals? His background in Constitutional law? That he's a family man? A man with a world view? A brother who's as comfortable eating cavier at a $3,000 a plate northside dinner as he is chowin' down greens and a slice of sweet potato pie with the homeys at a southside family BBQ? Naaaah, bump all that noise. All that jibber-jabber is just icing on the cake. The real quality that sold Ol Ty on Smooth Barack was his early and continued adoption of current technology into his campaign. I'll admit it - I'm a guy and when it comes to tech, Smooth had me at SMS...

From jump homey's website leveraged every social network out there - MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn. You could keep up with his campaign's every move by registering for his tweets at Twitter. You could use his own campaign website to set up your own social network, blog about your experiences as a foot soldier in the revolution, register for email alerts or, better yet, just get them via a RSS feed. When he announced Smokin' Joe Biden as his running mate, did you have to wait for the web or news outlets to break the news? Naahhh - that's old school, cousin. Smooth let you use your cell phone to register for a SMS message to hit you back at the appointed hour. My joint came in at about 2:00 in the morning and the only problem was my girl thinkin' it was Big Booty Julie chirpin' in for a booty call. That nonsense aside - it was just straight cool.

Now, not satisfied to rest on his high tech laurels, Smooth is droppin' the hammer in the final days of the campaign by going virtual and putting up campaign advertising in video games. That's some crafty $hit, y'all. From jump, younger voters have been the key to his ground game and he's reached out to them in every way they communicate. Could you see Citizen McCain even knowing what a video game or Twitter Tweet was? Me neither. Yet if you boot up a copy of EA's Burnout: Paradise, slip into a tight ride and hit the road, you'll be treated to a virtual billboard sporting Smooth's message to get out and vote. Strap on a helmet in Madden '09 and you'll see a similar message in the stadium advertising. I repeat - that's some crafty $hit, y'all. Look up 'innovative' on Wikipedia and you'll find Smooth's face right there (as soon as I edit that bad boy...).

Given all that, a brother has to hope that Smooth also has his tech team out monitoring these polling precincts and high tech voting booths up until election day - can't image he won't . Maaa fact he'll probably have the election day joint hooked up so once you cast your vote for him, you can use the screen to play a game of Madden for twenty minutes. Don't hate the player, hate the game, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Jon Burge: Didn't See It Coming Did You?

Wassup, Y'all!

A couple years ago, I dropped my 'Sweet Home Chicago' post lamenting the fact that former Chicago Police Commander Jon Burge was cold chillin' in Florida in cushy retirement still cashin' his retirement checks. Why was Ol Ty hatin' on homey? Only because he presided over a systematic program of suspect beatings and tortures that had finally come to light after years of suspects claiming such abuses. A final investigation proved the charges but, due to the statute of limitations, it came years too late to do anything about it...or so everyone thought until yesterday...

U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald (who has my vote for the next U.S. Attorney General - ol boy is *always* doing top quality work) decided to take the 'Al Capone' approach to Burge. Y'all old time Chicago folk will remember that Big Al got sent to Alcatraz not for his gangland murder and mayhem shenanigans but for tax evasion. The thinking was that it didn't matter what Big Al did a bid for as long as he did a bid. Same story for Cattle Prod Jon. Pat Fitz is bringing perjury and obstruction of justice charges against his 60 year old a$$, charging that since the torture allegations have been proven, his former statements claiming otherwise now put him in legal jeopardy. You gotta love that angle.

So Cattle Prod found his limping butt back in Chicago taking a perp walk and getting the booking he so richly deserved. Of course Cattle Prod trying to play the 'old, harmless guy' role, saying to the press outside after his arrest and booking, 'I'm old. I'm hurting. Please leave me alone'. Wow - HE'S HURTING. That's rich. Poor Cattle Prod. Your hurting has hopefully just started homey. Tossed Salad Man! Order coming up on Table Two! Hopefully these charges will stick and Cattle Prod will get the full 20 year bid he deserves. While savoring pictures of that kind of delayed justice, take a peek at what other Chicago folk think about this happy turn of events.

Oh happy day, y'all. Oh happy day.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone