Thursday, November 24, 2005

The Double Edged Shorty Sword...

Wassup, Y'all!

5-0 finally tracked my butt down and dragged me back to the basement. I've been kicking it out on the street a lot lately, hence my lackadaisical posting schedule but I appreciate y'all keeping an eye out for a brother and checking back in from time to time.

In the wake of the news of Debbie LaFave, the hottie middle school teacher who slept with one of her 14 year old students and walked with *no* jail time, old Tyrone feels compelled to dip into the touchy subject of the 'Shorty Double Standard'...

Now y'all know if the tables had been turned and it was a homeboy middle school teacher who had consensual sex with a 14 year old female student, old boy would be in federal prison right now doing a 20 year bid and tossing all kinds of salads . What's that about? Mainly it's about old school society giving an up top high five to a supposed mack daddy 14 year old who's got the mojo to pull a twenty-something hottie blonde school teacher. Sad but true. But wait there's more!

Remember a few weeks back when two Carolina Panther cheerleaders got caught getting busy in a restaurant bathroom stall ? Homeboys - what was your first thought? I'm sure it was similar to mine and went a little something like this, "Damn - wish I could have peeped that action! Why do I *always* have to be in the stall next to a big boy with digestive trouble??" Okay flip the script and ask the shortys what their first thought was? Probably something like, "Those are a couple of skanky ass heifers! That's nasty!" See? It all depends on your sexual persuasion, y'all.

Now if we really flipped the script and discuss that persistent rumor of Eddie Murphy being gay (despite the talk about him kicking with Mariah Carey in Miami during this year's MTV VMAs. Even that talk couldn't quite erase the memory of Eddie and the transvestite in the alley…). The attached glossy is courtesy of Got HipHop? which is pubbing a story about some potential shenanigans going on between Eddie Murphy and Johnny Gill (seems old boy had to keep up with Bobby Brown somehow, y'all - being his New Edition replacement and all!) since they're hanging out pretty tough and now apparently Johnny has moved into Eddie's guest house. Damn - isn't this the slippery slope that OJ went down with Kato Kalin's butt? Anyway just hearing a rumor like that will make the homeboys *and* the shortys cringe. What is it that makes girl/girl action palatable but boy/boy action something worthy of gouging your own eyes out? I sure don't know but I know I'm getting itchy just typing about it, y'all!

Before I jet, I wanted to let those homeboys out there who've been fiending for a Serena Williams fix know that Got HipHop? has a couple choice glossys of old girl that show what happens when you try to get *all that* into an outfit that's not built for *all that*. I'm pretty sure homegirl knew that ahead of time, but had to test the laws of physics anyway. Yet another well worn play from the Shorty Handbook that I *keep* falling for.

Gobble, Gobble, y'all! Happy Thanksgiving!!



Monday, November 14, 2005

Mr. Biggs Does it up Capone Style

Wassup, Y'all!

You know, there's a thin line between fact and fantasy. Nowhere is this more clearly illustrated than in Hollywood. You've got Russell Crowe playing a Roman Gladiator, Denzel Washington playing a corrupt LA police officer, Will Smith playing Muhammad Ali, Jamie Foxx playing Ray Charles, Halle Berry playing Cat Woman (Daaaaaaaamn!) blah, blah, blah, but I'm pretty damn sure none of those Hollywood luminaries ever took the next step - Russell jumping in an amphitheater full of live tigers, Denzel taking his saddity butt to East Los and mixing it up with the west side vatos, Will stepping in the ring with Evander Holyfield, Jamie playing the pian...okay skip that one, or Halle climbing the walls in an outfit featuring diamond-encrusted fingernails. That's because most folks have common sense and then there's our boy Ronald Isley aka Mr. Biggs...

Now for those of you without cable who consistently miss the video rotation on BET's 106 & Park, allow me a moment to drop some actual factuals on you and bring you up to speed. A while back, old skool Ronald Isley's butt figured out a way to ease his behind back into the mainstream by teaming up with R. Kelly and creating a video persona known as 'Mr. Biggs' - a fine dressing, no nonsense gangster/player who runs his crib with an iron fist and keeps his women on a tight lease. Think an older version of Deion Sanders but with better suits and a badder disposition. Now I'm all for being innovative and jumpstarting a career slipping down the downside, but if your goal is to sock away some loot to help you through the lean retirement years, a good approach is to 1) create a tripped out persona, 2) make your chedda *and* 3) pay your damn taxes! It seems Ronald forgot Rule #3 and pulled a patented Mr. Biggs move by trying to jack Old Uncle Sam. Dang Ronald - even old Tyrone knows Uncle Sam is the biggest gangster out there - he always gets his money.

Now it looks like Mr. Biggs might be headed for a nice little Alcatraz bid like old skool Al Capone and I saw it coming from way back, y'all. Ronald was a bit too into that Mr. Biggs role - kicking the rolly bling, puffin' those fat Cohibas and fiddling with those walnut size finger rings. Seems to me he caught one too many episodes of 'The Sopranos' or Harlem Nights. Now instead of telling his cheating girl to get out the crib before he 'catches a case', the only case he'll be catching is his own inside federal court. Ouch - that hurts. No, I take that back, y'all. What's really gonna hurt Mr. Biggs when sentencing rolls around is the fact that R. Kelly will be his only character witness...damn - now that *really* hurts...

P.S. Tap that link, y'all and get a peep at what Mr. Peabody is up to - more to the point check out the mini review of the new 'Boondocks' cartoon on the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim lineup (y'all know how much old Tyrone loves The Boondocks) - that joint is funny and in-your-face and Episode 2 did a take on a possible outcome of R. Kelly's upcoming child pornography trial - done up the way only Aaron McGruder can.



Friday, November 04, 2005

Swoopes pulls the reverse Down Low...

Wassup, Y'all!

Hold up. I *know* y'all didn't think this ruckus would go down without a Tyrone Malone commentary did you? Man, y'all know me better than that! After all the books and radio shows and Oprah commentary on *brothers* being on the down low - look what the cat dragged in. Just in case a few of you neophyte readers think the 'reverse down low' is a tight little basketball move, stop, drop and roll your a$$ on over to the bookstore and check out a joint called On The Down Low: The Journey into the lives of "straight" black men who sleep with men. Matter of fact, Amazon is so cool they'll let you peep inside to cover to check out a few actual factuals like the Table of Contents which lists sample chapter names like "Was My Marriage a Lie?" and "She Can't Compete with Him". Hmmm, let me step out and take a shower right quick........okay I'm back. Dude and Dudettes - a quick clue: if you're stepping out on your spouse to have sex with someone of the same (or opposite) sex, the chances are really good your marriage is a lie (Stedman - homeboy you taking notes??). Okay, okay, technically Sheryl's situation doesn't exactly fit the 'down low' category per se, but it's still buck wild enough to warrant a blog breakdown. Meet me after the jump and let's get busy, y'all...

To officially get your 'down low' card (so I'm told) you have to like having sex outside your committed relationship with someone of the same sex *but* also love having a relationship (sexual and otherwise) with the one you're with. Don't look to me to explain the thought process behind that thinking - you're on your own. But in Sheryl's case it seems like she always enjoyed the company of woman in shorts but hooked up with her ex-husband and used him as convenient cover and a sperm donor (Stedman - homeboy, you taking notes?) while she moved and grooved on those long WNBA road trips. I gotta give it to homegirl, she played it like Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop II and went deep, deep, deep undercover. Just check out this beach glossy, y'all. Uh, uh, uh! That's deep undercover right there. Primping with the fellas and getting the viewers all heated and all the while trying to figure out how to back Lisa Leslie down into the low post. I was debating the situation with my boyz 'Tini Mack and Cat Daddy and all they could contribute to the conversation was a trifling statement about knowing that Sheryl would be on top when carnal knowledge kicked off. I swear I lose brain cells every time I talk to those jokers.

Anyway, all this brings to "Pinky" the plastic flamingo. When this glossy was taken back in the day, everyone thought it was a cute little take off on that 'roaming gnome' gag where a couple of chuckleheads kidnap a ceramic gnome from someone's flowerbed and take it on a world tour, snapping glossys along the way with folks willing to pose. But see - old Tyrone's too smooth to fall for that ruckus. I knew the minute I saw this glossy of Sheryl cozying up to poor Pinky something was a little off - but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Finally, one day as I was walking past the 'Boutique' just inside the foyer of the Admiral Club Theater on Lawrence (I was a designated driver helping my one of my boyz make it home safe and sound...). I peeped the products inside and it dawned on me - that joint was pink, long necked and stiff - damn if Pinky wasn't the perfect plastic manifestation of Rebecca Lobo and Sheryl had her hands *all* over it, jack! Shoot, y'all may need a billboard, but not me.

Yo Stedman - homeboy you taking notes? Let me know if you need a pencil to connect your own dots, dude! When the next bombshell drops - don't say old Tyrone didn't try to warn you...