Friday, December 24, 2004

Why can't Mommy cook?

Wassup, Y'all!

Here it is Chrismas Eve and I'm pondering what Christmas day will be like not tomorrow, but in about ten years when our generation moves into the holiday driver's seat. Right now it's still all good with Momma cooking the holiday meal but the Ghost of Christmas Future took me on a wild ride last night and I'm here to tell y'all, it ain't pretty. It ain't pretty at all....

Perhaps y'all have noticed the same phenomenon I have - namely young sisters ain't cooking like their mommas. In fact, folks from our younger generation really don't do much at all like our parents do. How many sisters have you seen with a sewing machine? How many sisters know the difference between a Dutch Oven and Double Dutch? How many brothers could pop open a car hood these days and do more than check the oil (if they can do that). Maa fact, some brothers might be hard pressed to change a flat or jump start a dead battery. All this adds up to some sorry holidays ahead, y'all. Full of Hungry Man Turkey TV dinners for Thanksgiving and Christmas or a family holiday trip to the Hot Shoppe or Old Country Buffet. Man, even if y'all watched Soulfood on Showtime - toward the end you hardly ever saw the Joseph girls throwing down on a Sunday meal. I was dubious that Bird was doing any real cooking anyway - old girl was doing just a little too much clubbing - it seemed to me that Maxine was the real cook in the family.

The Ghost of Christmas Future showed me the family gathered from far and near, all huddled around the card tables passing the KFC bucket and biscuits around. Digging into those KFC mash potatoes with those funky looking "Sporks". Ah well, at least clean up will be a breeze.

Happy Holidays, Y'all!


Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Rumsfeld - The Real Teflon Don

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - what's it gonna take? Does D-Rum have to get caught red handed passing our nuclear launch code to North Korea or what? If I know our boy GW, he'd figure out a way to put a positive spin on that nonsense as well. After mismanaging and misrepresenting the aftermath of the war we all find out that now D-Rum doesn't even have time to personally sign the notification letters to the families of those killed in action...

Last weekend on "This Week with George Snuffluphagus" GW's Chief of Staff Andy Card gave the following glowing assessment of D-Rum's performance (this prior to the letter signing dust up but following the Army's announcement that it was putting getting all military vehicles armored on the fast track - finally!)

"Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a spectacular job." - Andy "Hallmark" Card

After hearing that, I'm thinking - "Okay, Hallmark probably didn't get the 'D-Rum's got to go memo'". I'm sure GW will spend some of the 'Political Capital' he earned to deep six D-Rum! But lo and behold, a couple days later, GW shocks the world and 1) actually holds a press conference, 2) manages to walk out on stage and 3) gives D-Rum some ill gotten propers!! To wit:

"I believe he's doing a really fine job." - GW

GW was a little cagey throwing in a hedge phrase like 'I believe' and I can see a future scenario when D-Rum is finally shoved out the door and GW reshapes his statement by saying 'What you belive and what you know are two different things. There was a time when I believed , based on the same intelligence you all have seen, that Secretary Rumsfeld was doing a fine job. However, it's been brought to my attention that Don Rumsfeld's job performance is just a dog's hair north of extremely pi*s poor. ' In fact, I think Hallmark Card's comment was misconstrued as well. I believe he was using the word 'spectacular' in the literal sense as in 'a spectacular crash at the Daytona Speedway' or 'the spectacular cataclysm of an asteroid hitting the earth'. Something like that there, y'all.

In closing let me leave y'all with a final quote from GW after he glossed over D-Rum and glossed over his flameout nomination of Bernie "Little Gotti" Kerik. When asked who he planned to nominate next for the new role of Director of National Intelligence GW said simply:

"I'm going to find someone who knows something about intelligence." - GW

Dang, another job GW's not qualified for...



Monday, December 20, 2004

Reality TV - Keepin' it real

Wassup, Y'all!

I see ABC is starting to pimp the promos to the next installment of the Bachelorette and I noticed in the one I've seen that old girl's riding through Central Park in a horse drawn carriage with a pack of guys trailing behind. The camera happened to focus on one of the few brothers in the crowd and it sparked a question about these Bachelor/Bachelorette shows in general. Y'all know where I'm heading, but if you don't - read on.... First, let me drop a glossy of newest It Girl before I make my point.

Jennifer Schefft - Bachelorette #3

Okay, come on now! Is a sister ever going to be picked as a Bachelorette? How about a brother getting picked as the next Bachelor? Y'all know the that will happen when pigs are doing a fly by while Hell freezes over. Please - why even fake diversity concerns by including any minorities in the selection pool at all? Y'all know that one brother might as well be packing his bags for a trip home right now! It's too controversial y'all. Blonde haired white girl getting with a brother on national TV? You mean like Nicholette Sheridan and T.O? And we ALL know how well that went over. And just say for laughs the script ever got flipped and a brother or sister did get picked as the chooser on either of those shows. You think ABC would fill the selection pool with 90% black candidates? Or risk the drama of a black chooser actually selecting a white candidate and then proposing at the end? I don't think so - the world would fall right off it's axis, y'all. So what you have is the same old status quo. I wouldn't mind it but that sappy brother in the promo looked so happy - so hopeful. I just don't have the heart to break it to him on the real....dummy.

And for you Survivor fans out there (yes, I do watch every now and then), word's breaking that host Jeff Probst is kicking it with our favorite Native American shorty Julie Berry.

Julie Berry

Y'all remember Julie, youth mentor, known to sunbath nude to get the guys off their game. I don't know - old girls is kinda fast (although she was acting genuinely hurt that Chris dogged her and voted her out after saying he wouldn't). Now she's headed to Cali to get a Masters degree but seems to old Tyrone, she's really looking for a MRS degree. Heads up, Jeff! Could be a move to stretch out those 15 minutes of fame into 30 or maybe even 45.

Call me cynical y'all but in a Darva Konger / Anna Nichole world brothers can't be too careful...



Friday, December 17, 2004

Paging Boo Boo The Fool

Wassup, Y'all!

Sorry for the late posting - it's not my style to deprive the needy! I've been dippin' and dodgin' but managed to slap together a few tasty morsels for y'all's edification. So cop a squat and get your grub on. First up we have our Commander-in-Chief GW spending some more of the "political capital" he earned by nominating Bernie "Little Gotti" Kerik for the open Homeland Secretary slot. What's the deal with this nanny business trippin' up so many nominees? How hard is it hard to 1) make sure your nanny is a legal immigrant and 2) make sure you pay your nanny legitimately? Who does Bernie think we are? Boo Boo the fool? Please. Old boy probably snuck her over the border his damn self and then offered to pay her with a couple of weekly jimmy sammiches. Now it turns out that with a little more scratching (which GW's boys were too tired to do from all that post election partying) Little Gotti was tippin' (out) and tappin'(booty) when he got the feeling for the flavor. Shame, Shame. So I'm like hmmm, what attracted GW to Little Gotti in the first place? Rudy G.? The hard luck All-American poor-boy-makes-good story? Nah. I'm thinking it's the fact that Little Gotti made $6 million without investing a penny of his own money. Hey wait a minute...didn't GW make a little cake using that same method? Turns out Little Gotti graduated summa cum laude from the GW School of Magic Money Making (No money down, y'all!). Yeah - Bernie got lucky on the stock options to a stun gun company with a government contract... And all this from a *little* scratching of the surface...

Hey - what a difference a week makes for our troops in harm's way. Our boy D Rumsfeld (D-Rum to his boys and
who just got his tenth vote of confidence from GW) has got the Army in gear now, y'all. Turns out they're spending $4.1 billion to put armor on all military
wheeled vehicles!! That's so nice - and timely too! We've only been fighting for a couple years now and only have around 10,000 wounded soldiers and over 1,000 KIA. I'm sure they received the news warmly both here and in the hereafter. Knuckleheads! If you're gonna send 'em, PROTECT 'em! What I find interesting as well is how is it a $20 Improvised Explosive Device (IED) can inflict such damage on our *best equipped* fighting forces in the world? Where's all that Defense budget going? Must be our Missile Defense Shield... When GW and D-Rum speak, Boo Boo the fool listens...

The last act of our three act "Boo Boo the fool" play is played by our favorite Louisiana Judge Timothy Ellender got busted for wearing a jail jumpsuit, handcuffs and afro wig and blackface to a Halloween party. Apparently, he arrived at the party without the blackface, but the party's host - his brother - dressed as Buckwheat (oh tay!) in blackface - thought it would be a nice, final touch. In censuring Ellender, the Louisiana Supreme court agreed Ellender didn't
mean to insult blacks... Boo Boo - you out there man?! Hmmm, I may have bought that silly a** notion if Judge Dredd had just put on a old school black and white striped prison outfit with the handcuffs, but an afro wig and blackface seems to tell me that he was thinking black criminals are the only authentic criminals...but that's just me (and Boo Boo).

Oooo running long, y'all. Let me close - glossies coming soon!



Boardroom Diversity - You're Fired!

Wassup, Y'all!

That's right - it's two for one night here at the Malone crib. It wouldn't be responsible for me to close tonight without addressing everyone's favorite guilty pleasure - no not those tasty Pecan Turtles, y'all, I'm talking about The Apprentice - Season 2 that wrapped last night. Raise your hand if the outcome shocked you. Hold 'em up now and let me count...240 million in the country and I see about three hands up...and two are mine... I think that other one belongs to Boo Boo, the fool...

Man, please. Me and the boyz checked out the very first episode and while the opening credits were rolling I turned to my boy Tater Tot and asked who he thought was going to win and he said "The white boy", without blinking an eye. You got to give it up to Donald Trump (T-Money) - he knows how to keep the status quo popping in American's board rooms. What's the world coming to when a smoking blonde shorty with a platinum pedigree can't even make the cut? And this from over a million (according to T-Money) applicants. I guess we need to look forward to our own reality show called "The Middle Manager on the Bubble" cuz we won't be seeing the inside of T-Money's real boardroom any time soon. See if I were T-Money, I'd also have to drop that straight-laced Carolyn Kepcher and go with that freaky shorty Ivana! If she's motivated enough to drop her skirt on a busy New York street corner, old girl has what it takes to make it anywhere.

Good news, y'all! Affiliates are signing up for the upcoming Tyra Banks talk show this fall. Okay - it's only one for now, but I'm smelling momentum building. It' s good to know that our homeys in Portland, Oregon already know what time it is. For the rest of you, let me drop a glossy (and there are sooo many to choose from) on you and ask: "What's your hold up?" Call your local stations and get out the vote - dummies!

Tyra Banks

Now as I close tonight, I'd be remiss if I didn't share the love (and spotlight) with another Shorty on The Rise. You'll note back in my December 4th column I gave a similar nod to up and coming Shorty Brooklyn Sudano. This go round, I share the glossy of former Hilfiger model Joy Bryant.

Joy Bryant

Y'all keen observers will remember old girl from The Antwone Fisher Story (homeboy's girlfriend) and more recently the movie Honey with Shorty Supreme Jessica Alba (she played homegirl's girlfriend... hmmm a trend emerges...). She's still trying to break out and is next due up in the movie Skeleton Key due next year. Keep an eye peeled, y'all. She's another slim goody who has the chops to go long.

I'll holler!


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Oprah - commitment issues?

Wassup, Y'all!

You know I was browsing through the magazine rack just the other day looking for column material and there's no way you can avoid eventually running into O - The Oprah Magazine and a brother just has to think to himself "Dang Oprah - can't you let just one fine shorty grace your cover?". I know it's her magazine and all but that joint has got to be the ultimate vanity vehicle with her mug showing up on every cover. That got me thinking about the Oprah phenomenon in general and the central question as our boy Stedman suffers in silence - how come nobody ever talks about Oprah's commitment issue? If the tables were turned and Stedman was the billion dollar talk show host who was famously shacking up with Oprah, you have to know that every sister in America would be questioning just what was taking him so long to pop the question!

They'd be having satellite linked "Stedman Ain't Sh**" parties and filling message boards on how a brother could be so low as to string a woman along for years like that. But flip the script and everyone knows it's Oprah playing the dog role and nary a peep is heard about it. Don't get me wrong, y'all. Oprah's good peoples and puts her money where her mouth is but come on now! Y'all know Stedman would have had a brick thrown at him by now. Ahhhh, the female double standard....

Previously I'd mentioned a return to our national network UPN (sorry BET!) so here we go. First, a "too bad, so sad" goes out to our favorite TV couple Boris Kodjoe and Nichole Parker (shorty extraordinaire). Word is UPN won't be picking up their show "Second Time Around" for renewal... I have to admit I didn't even make it the first time around to that joint although I liked them both in Showtime's "Soul Food" (but nobody plays Terrie Joseph like my girl Vanessa Williams). On a happy note, Kevin Hill did make the cut and should see another season. For my thoughts on KH, check my December 1st column. The reason I've chosen UPN as our national network is because, without fail, its shows rate among the highest viewed in black households. Currently, UPN's "Girlfriends" hold the slot as top rated black show (how is this possible with Tyra showing up weekly on the same network in Top Model?) Girlfriends!?? In fact, the top five most watch shows by black America are UPN shows (Girlfriends, Half and Half, Second Time Around (what?), One on One and Eve). Where's that Cosby clone "My Wife and Kids"? What no Bernie Mac? Showtime at the Apollo? Julia? What I find interesting is that none of those top five shows is anywhere close to the top ten broadcast shows nationally. Nationally, "CSI: Miami is #2". Now you haven't heard any plans not to renew that show have you? Course not. But the #2 rated black show - "Second Time Around" is headed for that old sitcom recycle bin in the sky. And you wonder why we have a higher instance of high blood pressure. It ain't fair, y'all! Nichole is too hot to go down without a fight!

So I'm on my Save Nichole crusade, y'all. To get the male vote, I proffer the following glossy:

Nicole Parker

Come on now, y'all! Would you rather look at Nicole or an autopsy of a five day old corpse fished out of the Everglades? I rest my case! Get to writing those letters!


Saturday, December 11, 2004

The Maxim Phenomenon

Wassup, Y'all!

Got a (dime) bag full of goodies to dig into followed up by the annointing of my newest Shorty of the Week, so straighten up and fly right. Let's dispense with the bad and the ugly before moving on to the good and it can't get any badder or uglier than our latest turncoat swing state of Ohio (or Nohio to those familiar with current events). Now I know 51% of Ohio is full of cool peoples and I don't want to paint with too broad a brush but come on now! The twisted Wives Tale Handbook tells us that bad things always happen in threes. To wit: 1) Ohio's election night gift to GW, 2)The Jack Ruby take down of Damageplan guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott (Side note #1: I know the fellas down at Winky's corner store are going "who?" Side note #2: how cool is that name?), and 3) (and most funky of all) the FBI looking into a serial letter writer who sent letters to black Cleveland High School athletes saying they'll be "castrated, shot or set on fire" if they're involved in interracial relationships like Jeb Bush. Similar letters have been sent to NFL players (wonder if Tiger got one?) and "other prominent black men". Man, I thought this kind of nonsense only happened in Idaho. Shame, shame. Come on Ohio - shake it off and get back in the game! You still got the Rock & Roll & Pro Football Halls of Fame going for you!

Old Tyrone also sees that D.L. Hughley didn't make the cut to be the next host of "The Late, Late Show". Dang - if you can't move in to fill the shoes of that great late night host Craig Kilborn your act needs a good wax and buff, homey. Craig Kilborn!?? D.L. : man didn't I tell you to skip "Soul Plane"? Sigh... It's been a looong time since Arsenio was kicking it. We've been through "The Keenan Ivory Wayans Show", "The Magic Hour" with Magic Johnson, and my favorite - "Vibe" with hosts Chris Spencer (who?) and Sinbad (dude - where you at? The brothers need another Soul Music Festival!). Shoot - time's about right to bring the Vibe talk show back - they can do it live via satellite from Rikers. Anyway, they tried out a number of host and somehow the best man for the job turned out to be the guy who played Drew Carey's boss on the "The Drew Carey Show" - Craig Ferguson! Ahhh, it all comes back to Ohio (Cleveland) - and any coincidence that old boy's first name is Craig??? I had my money on long shot shorty Aisha Taylor our latest Shorty Of the Week:

Aisha Taylor

Old girl is fine, funny and fine. I'm also questioning the blatant lack of late night host that aren't male and aren't of color - come on now - this is 2004. At least hook up George Lopez with a late night gig! You'll note the above glossy comes from the primo collection of Maxim Online and I have to pause to take my hat off to the innovative mind that said "You know, if we develop a new type of men's magazine that shows a little less skin than Playboy and keeps it classy, we can probably get any woman in entertainment to pose for them." And on the Sixth Day, Maxim, FHM, Stuff, King, Smooth and many others were created and all mankind saw that it was good. Like the cartoon guys in the Guinness beer ads are known to say - Brilliant! The shorties are famous and fine and you can bring those mags in the crib and have a valid argument for bringing them into the crib with your girl - but baby - they show less than Playboy! Brilliant!

So as a parting farewell to our cerebrally challenged, bigoted Ohio serial letter writer, here's a glossy of stone hotty Leeann Tweeden from "The Best Damn Sports Show Period", whose superlative work no doubt hangs in sports lockers around the globe - black men and white men, gentiles and jews. And note where this glossy hails from - that's right, y'all - FHM. If you aren't checking 'em, you better ax somebody!

Leeann Tweeden

Go on with your bad self Leeann! I'm Audi, y'all.



Thursday, December 09, 2004

It's a Given - Robin Dodges Bullet

Wassup, Y'all!

Caught an article flying across the wire that I just had to comment on. Old girl Robin Givens is back in the news, y'all! Actually she's been creeping back bit by bit as I caught her Oprah a week or two ago. I had to hop into Peabody's Wayback Machine to pull up a relevant glossy of the black Shannon Doherty. To wit...

Robin Givens Tyson

Y'all readers up on your current events will remember that earlier this year shorty Robin was kicking it in her 2000 Mercedes SUV (likely preoccupied with thoughts of how to get her career back on track) when she mowed down an 89 year old lady easing on down the crosswalk. Smacked her down, y'all. Old girl (literally) nearly lost a foot in that vehicular beat down. Side note #1: Apparently Robin, Halle and Lizzie Grubman took their driving lessons from the same whack driving school - Harry's Hit & Run (Side note #2: common thread here seems to be small women and large SUVs, hmmmm). Shorty Robin had to be flagged down before noticing she had dropped old girl. Anyway, good news rolled in for shorty Robin today, y'all - all charges dismissed (twice)! Now let's review how that occurred shall we? #1) Ticketing officers did not witness the mow down, #2) Civilian witness who did witness the crime did not appear in court, #3) Apparently old girl who got mowed down ain't talking. Come on now! Y'all know Mike Tyson's fingerprints are all over this!! I maintain Robin is still answering those 2 AM booty calls cuz anybody who's anybody knows that if you want someone intimidated, Mike's your man, man. Ahhhh, justice in America... Moral of the story - Shorty + SUV = run for your damn life!

Now if I may digress back in to my angry political persona - man, I just had to laugh at Rummy's chat with the troops on Wednesday. D-Rum was in Kuwait for a meet & greet with American's Finest and got put on the hot seat real quick about why the 'boots on the ground' had to scramble to find their own armament for their Humvees before the Pentagon stepped in. His reply:

You go to war with the Army you have." - D-Rum

Hmmm, if I'm not mistaken GW and the Boyz chose when we went to war. We weren't in immediate danger here on the homefront so it stands to reason that we could have at least waited until we did have the humvees outfitted. But don't worry, y'all, D-Rum said the Pentagon was "working to purchase more armament for the humvees". Hat's off for Rummy! Chances may be good that it will arrive before our tally of wounded hits 10,000. Once again, y'all, it's another brisk lesson from GW's Cold School. That just doesn't make any damn sense, but then again I hail from a Blue State.

Uh Oh - think I hear someone outside the windows, y'all! Might be that Red State hit squad (Side note #3: weren't red states associated with communism at one point?). I'm out!



Tuesday, December 07, 2004

I like it when they call me Big Pop-pa!

Wassup, Y'all!

I was scanning through the top ten videos on my show 106 & Park the other day and almost choked on my Cheetos y'all. There's a brother out there who not only looks like the dear departed Biggie Smalls, but sounds just like old boy too. Check out Guerilla Black's newest cut "You're The One" and tell me I'm not lyin'. Man - he's channeling Biggie. Now ain't that blip - a West Coast Compton rapper who looks and sounds like Big Poppa? For the brothers down at Winky's corner store - that's what you call irony. Man, can an East Coast Tupac clone be far behind?

And while we're on the subject, I'm sad to have to report that if you still want to get away with murder, just make sure you take out a rapper/DJ. Tupac, Biggie, Jam Master Jay - all cold cases, y'all. Maa fact - they aren't even cold cases, cuz now even those bad boys are getting solved on TV. But let Eminem's a** get got and they'll be on the trail like Andrew Cunanen, jack. No doubt.

But I digress - I was laughing at's Fridge 50 list (2004's 50 coldest entertainers) and our girl Halle Berry is already #2! That is cold. Other notables include Will Smith #13 (sounds like a bit of player hatin' there, though), Keenan Ivory Wayans #16 (way overdue), Queen Latifah #18 (man, come on! I liked 'The Cookout' & Taxi!), Morgan Freeman #19 (I hear he's back in form in his next pic with Clint Eastwood - 'Million Dollar Baby'), Mars Blackmon himself - Spike Lee #21 (it's been a looong time since Malcom X, y'all...) and of course, no Frigid list is complete without our boy GW (#43) - man, that goes without saying. That's like a redundant oxymoron!

Finally, in honor of Blade Trinity dropping on Wednesday, I'm going to switch it up and introduce a little diversity to the glossy file and drop a glossy of crossover shorty Jessica Biel. Sisters, email if you must but I mean, come on now! If I can drop in Mrs. Tiger Woods, Jessica can get just a little column space.

Jessica Biel

It's all about the shorty rainbow coalition, just like Jesse said. Woooo.

I'll holler!



Saturday, December 04, 2004

Brooklyn's in the House!

Wassup, Y'all!

First let me pass my congratulations on to our Ukrainian brothers and sisters in the struggle who successfully showed how civil disobedience is supposed to work in the face of dubious election results. As y'all have no doubt heard by now, the Ukrainian Supreme Court has overturned their recent election which, marred by rampant election fraud, came out in favor of the current Prime Minister over the opposition candidate. You got to give the opposition supporters their propers, y'all. They demonstrated, they protested, they threatened to take it to the street and secede if necessary to see that the right thing was done. Now let's contrast this with the shenanigans that occurred in the good ole U.S. of A during the election of 2000. Dubious election results, a demand for a Florida recount and a Supreme Court that said "oh hell no". We went out meekly on that one, y'all. The mouse didn't roar and the revolution got pre-empted by GW's gracious thanks to the Supreme Court for doing his dirty and his inaguration speech. Seems kind of appropriate to reflect on our national punk out now that GW's 2nd inagural address is a little over a month away. How is it we can generate more passion and civil disobedience when LAPD cops get acquited for dropping a beat down on Rodney King (who was wrong but didn't deserve the Abu Ghraib treatment) and not for something as monumental as a the theft of the Presidency? See, the Ukrains get it y'all. We need to take our superior noses out of the air and learn what conviction is about. You think the Ukrainian Supreme Court would have come to the same conclusion if the streets had been quiet? That ain't even a thing to make you go hmmmmm. Shame, shame.

So while I'm gettin' my appreciation on for Ukrainian passion, my thoughts now turn to a relative new shorty on the entertainment scene - Miss Brooklyn Sudano! Y'all know old girl as the 'new' Vanessa on the Damon Wayans vehicle "My Wife and Kids". Side note: It looks like old DW won't be happy until he has his entire family working on the show - just for fun, watch the show and count the number of times you see the name 'Wayans' roll in the credits. When you get to thirty you can stop. Here go a couple Brooklyn glossies to help y'all feel me.

Brooklyn Sudano

Looks like a new star in the making. Her role on the show may be a little on the smallish side, but it's her first major break and old Tyrone is looking for bigger and better things for her. After all her pedigree is pretty tight. Old girl is the daughter of producer/songwriter Bruce Sudano and sultry disco diva Donna Summer - the Bad Girl herself. Awwww yeah - I love to love me some Donna Summer baby and it looks like the shorty didn't fall to far from the shorty tree, y'all! So I'm putting Ms. Brooklyn on my "Catch a Rising Star" short list. Y'all heard it here first.

Kevin Hill's blind a** could take a few pointers from Jr. Kyle's goofy a**. At least he was smart enough to land the shorty supreme.

I'm Audi y'all!



Wednesday, December 01, 2004

This Michael's a real Thriller

Wassup, Y'all!

A couple items came across the new wire that I should comment on - a little bad news/good news thing. First, our boy Tavis Smiley has decided to part ways with his National Public Radio show on December 16th. Dang T.! First BET, now NPR. Poppa's a rolling stone - no doubt.
Sounds like he's doing it for all the right reasons, though. Despite the success of The Tavis Smiley Show From NPR to the tune of 900,000 listeners, apparently only a third of them are us, y'all. Dang - who even knew 300,000 black folk even listened to NPR? Which is exactly T.'s point. His view is that NPR isn't going the extra mile to attract the black demographic to his show. Note to NPR Execs: If you want to pull us in - get off NPR, put the show on UPN and pair T. up with a fresh comedian! If you ask old Tyrone, I think T. is angling for some of that Howard Stern, Sirius satellite radio money! When Howard inked that deal ($100 million a year), his stack when from fat to morbidly obese (I was gonna drop in a Star Jones joke but since old girl's slimmed down into the female skinny Luther, I'll have to let that one go!) In happier news, T. is expanding his late night PBS talk show (2nd seasons starts January 7th) into Friday nights. Folks are watchin' and you should be too, y'all! Anyway, good luck T.!

Moving on to T.'s partner in crime - Tom Joyner, the Haarrrdest Working Man in Showbidness. Word is he and his partner have sold 51% of their Reach Media, Inc. (which produces and distributes the Tom Joyner Morning Show) for $56.1 million in cash and prizes! Fly Jock - where's the after-party, man? No way you can be tight now. Hope Jay and Sybil get a taste of that cake.

Now back to UPN. I'll be devoting an entire column to this cultural phenomenon soon, but for now let me focus on one of its viewing morsels - Kevin Hill.

Kevin Hill cast

Dang ladies, hold up! Ease back from the screen! Taye Diggs ain't all that. For y'all brothers who tune out right after Tyra's American's Next Top Model rolls credits, let me set the stage for you: Young, ambitious brother lawyer, working for a top law firm in NYC get's willed an infant girl by his cousin who's died (hence the willing part). Pre-baby, Kevin's (Taye Diggs) a mack daddy with the crack crib and hot social life (yours would be hot too if you made the lawyer paper like old Kev). Post-baby, old boy has to leave the big gun law firm for a smaller, 'family friendly' firm run by Shorty of the Week, Michael Michelle (behold the glossy).

Michael Michele

Old girl runs a quaint little firm with two other female lawyers - a hot blonde shorty and a hot redhead shorty. Annnnyway, despite working for foine shorty Michael Michele, Kevin spends his time looking for love in all the wrong places. Granted his movie star, on again/off again girl is at least a 9 'a' on the Daaaaamn scale, I'm talking Michael Michele, y'all! C'mon Taye! Dude, I sentence you to two neck smacks and a kick in the a** for over looking the obvious. Man - no wonder the show is struggling with unrealistic writing like that. How can I be the only one who sees it? Oh well - more for old Tyrone. At least you can appreciate this week's shorty. Give the real Michael her propers, y'all!