Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Gabrielle: A More Perfect Union...

Wassup, Y'all!

Just as I was coming to grips with the sad fact that I'll be missing my weekly dose of Garcelle Beauvais this fall (because ABC canceled my show 'Eyes') a quick peep at ABC's fall schedule reveals a worthy replacement shorty warming up in the wings. It turns out that not only is ABC reworking one of my favorite back-in-the-day shows - Night Stalker - they've had the good sense to include a sexy shorty in the cast to help pull in the wavering south side demographic. Enter stone hottie Gabrielle Union sliding back to the small screen after a critical beat down in that whack Honeymooners remake (didn't I tell y'all? But noooo - nobody listens to old Tyrone)...

Though Gabby's rocking a solid 8.3 on the Shorty Damn Meter, I'm still not sure I'm buying her complete package. Seems to me she projects a lot of that 'get out my face' vibe so evident in some of her characters like old girl from "Bring it On" and old girl from "Deliver us From Eva". You know - that evil south side shorty who's always player hatin' or blocking for her girls. She denys that she's anything but sweetness and light in the July issue of Ebony but I'll have to sample the experience firsthand (once Chris Howard - her former NFL playing husband - stops blocking, that is...) to believe it.

Anyway, there's no doubt Gabby's all over the urban dial these days due to the Honeymooners PR tour but as glad as I'll be to see her popping up regularly this fall, I'm looking forward to seeing how they hook up Night Stalker. For those uninformed readers, the back-in-the-day Night Stalker followed the life of a Cali newspaper reporter - Carl Kolchak - who always seemed to wind up covering stories that ended up related to paranormal happenings. Think The X-Files with a reporter running the show instead of FBI agents and instead of aliens to creep you out, they keep to the more mundane horrors like vampire or werewolf serial killers. Those creepy joints are always good for getting the shorty on the other side of the couch to ease on over to your side (which kinda makes the show a drama *and* a Public Service spot).

So things aren't looking so bad after all, y'all. I'm building up a little enthusiam for the fall TV season. And Gabby? Just one bit of advice for you as you lick your wounds from The Honeymooners, homegirl... When you hit the small screen this fall - Bring It! (cuz I'm tired of my shows getting canceled!!)



Monday, June 27, 2005

Axe: The Pipe Layer's Bodywash...

Wassup, Y'all!

Lately I've been cracking up at Unilever's ad campaign for their flagship Axe line of bath and deodorant products pour homme. The central premise is that use of their product leads to the Axe Effect, a supercharged, pheromonal experience that will leave the shortys weak with desire and at the mercy of the uncontrollable urge to get next to you. As a guy, I'd have to say this campaign is pretty appealing especially if just taking a shower with the stuff can get the sexy shorty in the apartment under yours to grind on your (water) pipe (what other pipe did you think I was typing about, player??)...

These ads are all over the joint now. I've caught a couple that now use the tag line: 'How dirty boys get clean'. Let me just go ahead and give the creative ad agencies behind this two snaps up for getting right to the heart of why guys bother to get clean in the first place. Another ad has a homey riding behind his girl on a bicycle built for two and spending his ride admiring her trunk junk. Now a homey could exercise like that all day, y'all. With flow like this is it any wonder that Axe is sponsoring FHM's 100 Sexiest Women in the World contest? I think not. It's brilliant!

And speaking of brilliant - I've got to give at least a 'wooooo' to their subtle print campaign that features the bare backs of sexy shortys with cute little imprints on them that drop a clue as to where they've been getting busy with their Axe wearing men (all playing to the tag line: 'It can happen anywhere'...). To wit, the glossy on the right that shows a sexy shorty with an imprint of elevator buttons down her back (I have to admit it took me a couple seconds to figure out the connection...). Ha! That's good stuff, y'all. The other print ad I saw had a sexy shorty with an imprint of a steering wheel on her back. Go 'head, Axe! What's next - a washing machine dial? Kitchen cutting board?
The possibilities are endless...

If nothing else I'm going to have to go by the store and at least sniff a bottle to see what's up. If it leads to a sexy shorty ending up with cash register button imprints on her back, that'll probably get me to buy a bottle or two... ;-)



Saturday, June 25, 2005

HBO's Entourage Dropped The Ball, Y'all...

Wassup, Y'all!

Summertime is when I sample new shows to see if they're worthy to move onto the regular Malone Zone TiVo rotation. Normally I'm pretty ruthless. If I'm not feeling a show after the first 15 minutes (30 if it has an 'intriguing' collection of sexy shortys...) then it's out - purged from the Season Pass list henceforth now and forever. The latest two shows to stand in judgement are HBO's The Comeback and Entourage - both on Sunday nights. While The Comeback is queued up for purging (despite *two* sexy shortys, neither of which is Lisa Kudrow - hit the link to check the actual factuals), Entourage caught my interest mainly because they could have taken a clue from old Tyrone, mixed in an urban vibe and made it sooooo much better...

To bring non Entourage viewers up to date, the show is about Vince Chase, a young guy from Queens, New York who makes a hit film and becomes a Hollywood star. Next thing you know, he and his boys (Eric and Turtle) and his brother Drama are living large in LA enjoying the spoils of being friends (or related to) someone young, rich and famous.

So I'm thinking hmmmm, who kicks an entourage better than the hip hop homeys? I mean MC Hammer's broke a** pretty much invented the entourage (and the now unwritten rule on keeping the total number in your entourage to 17,000 or less...). Come on HBO! That show could have gone from good to great by featuring a hip hop crew like Nelly and the St. Lunatics! I say this now after *finally* downloading their 'Tip Drill' music video (uncensored) after listening to all that woofin' about it from Donte and Big Mike over on 2 Guys 2 Cities (on point woofin' I might add...). Man, those boys were some straight heathens in that joint. Perfect for a cable outlet that props shows like Real Sex and Cathouse: The Series. You could have pulled in the south side crowd, the sex crowd, the hip hop crowd *and* the curious north side crowd. Man - do I have to do *everything*!! (Side Note: Even if Mo'Nique was standing on the San Andreas Fault during the Big One, there'd *still* be more a** shaking going on in that Tip Drill video! Wooooo. Although I have to admit, swiping a credit card through a shortys cheeks is a little over the top... Ladies, for pointers on the proper way to handle unsolicited a** play, take a page from my girl Pheebs who's never afraid to confront the issue directly...)

A weak second entourage choice would have to be Oprah and her crew. That would have been riviting television last week when they got the cold shoulder from the Hermes store employees when - just like south side folks - they tried to bust up in that mug after closing. Oprah immediately dropped the race card on that ruckus claiming it was
"one of the most humiliating moments of her life...". Wow - and I thought getting laid out in dirt in the Color Purple and then having the wind blow your skirt up topped that! Okay - cheap shot but old girl was *shopping*, y'all.

Anyway - if HBO doesn't swoop this idea, I'm going all Michael Moore and film my own Entourage documentary series about a fly hip-hop crew called Damn Heathens (shout out to Chingy!)...



Thursday, June 23, 2005

Dreamgirls Party All The Time...

Wassup, Y'all!

The more I hear about it the more I'm looking forward to peeping the finished product. The 'it' is the film version of the rocking 1982 play Dreamgirls which had already reeled in a cast that included Jamie Foxx, Beyonce and Usher. Now that Eddie Murphy has signed on as well, Dreamgirls is shaping up to be a hot ticket (on paper)...

The south side nation is well aware of the Dreamgirls story - a rags to riches tale about The Dreams - a trio of singers loosely based on the Supremes of Motown fame. The play helped 'launch' a few careers - Jennifer Holliday (whose soulful rendition of 'And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going' became her signature song) and Sheryl Lee Ralph, who played the 'Diana Ross' character Deena Jones on Broadway - the role Beyonce will be taking over in the film.

I'm holding out hope for this joint, particularly because the same guy who did the movie version of Chicago (Bill Condon) is doing Dreamgirls. I got a chance to see both the play and film versions of Chicago and old boy knows his business. I still crack up at that Chicago 'Cell Block Tango' - He had it coming!

Eddie will play James 'Thunder' Early, the star The Dreams first sing back up for and word is that Donkey will be doing his own singing (hopefully not that whack a** La Vida Loca he sang with Antonio Bandaras at the end of Shrek 2!!). Man - I'm already dusting off my 12" single of Party All The Time and adding it to the Hoopty Old School Rotation! Girl I can't understand it, why you want to hurt give your number to every man you see...

Hopefully the stars will line up and this joint will live up to the building hype because now that Destiny's Child is folding and Beyonce's film resume includes Austin Powers Goldmember, The Fighting Temptation and the upcoming (and much delayed and already panned) The Pink Panther, old girl can use a hit that showcases her talent. Refer to the glossy above to see her talent in action. I remain in awe of Jay-Z everyday, y'all...



Monday, June 20, 2005

Malone Musings...

Wassup, Y'all!

l-r: Jam Master Jay, Notorious BIG & Tupac
Yo 5-0! Any leads yet???

At least Biggie's family is still moving forward with their wrongful death suit against the LAPD, but that's not the only thing on my mind...

Field of Crosses in Kigali, Rwanda

What would it be like to sit through the movie Hotel Rwanda and know you could have done something about it (Bill Clinton)?

I'm guessing Hollywood Trespasser, at the party, with the beer bottle!

Dang Leo! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I thought you knew, cousin. Just ask the Detroit Pistons' Darvin Ham...

Connecting the dots...

Finally, I just peeped the commencement address Steve Jobs gave at Stanford University about a week ago. I normally get my best sleep during commencement addresses, but Jobs' plea to 'find what you love' stuck with me, particularly how events that seemed to be setbacks in his life actually turned out to set the stage for even bigger achievements (like Pixar). If you're still wondering about your path in life - give it a peep.

Okay - brain off. Time for some mindless TV watching... :-)



Sunday, June 19, 2005

Thankful for the thick

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm too through with E!Online as they recently gave my girl Alicia Keys *one* star (out of five) on the outfit she's kicking on the right. First, E! stop hating on Alicia! Second, thanks for the glossy as that dress is accentuating what I've always (superficially) admired about the talented songstress - her prototype thickness...

Faithful TM blog readers will remember my original post on this a little while back when I was appreciating another AK glossy with her putting a hurting on some jeans. With that bod, AK's wardrobe ought to be happily collecting some serious combat pay. And don't think the thick is reserved exclusively for the south side shortys, y'all. I *accidently* tuned into ABC's summertime smash Dancing with the Stars and YO - Rachel Hunter is killing her outfits too! Her skin and bones supermodel days are gone and old Tyrone ain't complaining a bit.

Actually, I really tuned in to see how former heavyweight champ Evander Holyfield would make out. I have to give the brother credit - he took a shot but there's a reason the good professional dancers are small in stature with little a** feet. Unfortunately they booted Evander and his hot dance partner, Edyta Sliwinska, after the second round. Good call but boooo anyway. I'm also a little partial to
the little sexy shorty Joey Mac (Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block. Side Note: Wouldn't he be considered a ringer in a *dancing* competition?) is dancing with Ashly DelGrosso (she's kicking a bit of that Tisha Campbell trunk junk - she's no Tisha but I have to drop a woooooo anyway). Anyway - all the celebs on that show have a *lot* of heart especially when each *live* show is pretty much a train wreck waiting to happen... Choo choo, y'all. Choo choo



Saturday, June 18, 2005

Batman *Really* Begins...

Wassup, Y'all!

Daaaaamn. I'll be the first to tell you after the first four Batman joints old Tyrone was skeptical that this fifth joint - Batman Begins - would be anything but more of the same. Well to paraphrase that wise hip-hop sage Nelly: Dude, stand on the left cuz you know you ain't right...

They took Batman back his Dark Knight roots, gave him a deep backstory, tricked out his gear and created the same character on screen that a legion of DC comic fans (including biddy bop Tyrone Malone) loved in the comic (particularly the darker graphic novels). With this latest incarnation, they took it deep, y'all. I'll have to give 3.5 Spinners - particularly cuz they got my main man Morgan Freeman in that joint. Even the casting of Christian Bale (the casting I spent big time cracking on as I'm not (wasn't) too fond of his work since his racist, homicidal turn in John Singleton's Shaft remake) was dead on the money. I could even stand smirkin' Katie Holmes for 2 hours and 15 minutes, so that should tell you a lot about this movie. Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever & Batman & Robin - y'all really need to be ashamed of yourselves...

Looks like the summer movie season is *finally* here...



Friday, June 17, 2005

Kerry (Washington) is so very...

Wassup, Y'all!

The word to finish that thought is HOT...I finally caught Mrs. Ray Charles in Mr. & Mrs. Smith yesterday (3 Spinners, y'all - go peep that joint...) and after seeing her in Ray and again in this movie, I've determined that I just like looking at her. So a quick peep online to dig up some actual factuals on old girl reveal that I won't have long to wait to see her light up the screen again...

As luck would have it, Kerry (yes, that's right. Me dropping the duckets to see her in *two* movies gives me first name privileges..) has also swooped the Alicia Masters role in the upcoming Fantastic Four. This role should stretch her range as all comic connoisseurs know, in FF Alicia is a blond, northside, blind shorty that kicks it with a orange, rocky guy known as The Thing. Hmmm, sounds a little kinky and perhaps a role better suited for her freakarific M&M Smith co-star Angelina Jolie.

I have to admit y'all, the camera *loves* that chick and she was smokin' in M&M Smith. All that hype about her chemistry with Brad Pitt is pretty much on the money and a brother can see how she could just pretty much blink and blow Jennifer Anniston out the box. Although M&M Smith was trying to figure out if it wanted to be an action flick or a romantic comedy - A. Jolie's hotness jacked my Spinner rating up from 2.5 to 3 (for those counting she also rocked a 9.5 on the Shorty Damn Meter)

Which brings me to my final point. I do so tire of hearing shortys spout that consistent jibber-jabber about how 'bad boys' are so sexy. Northside shortys refer to them as 'bad boys', the southside shortys refer to them as 'thugs' or 'soldiers'. After vibing on A. Jolie's pedigree (her fondness for knives & tattoos, carrying Billy Bob's blood around in a necklace, yada, yada) and seeing how well she cleans up, a brother could do worse than to kick it with her bad girl behind. I'm seeing the appeal of the dark side, y'all. And sure, later on I may find myself burnt up with no legs and have to use a black helmet to breath but if it can work out in the end for Darth Vader, it can sure work out for old Tyrone. Now if I can just get those digits...



Thursday, June 16, 2005

Homeboy Shopping Network Purchase?

Wassup, Y'all!

Word has reached the Malone Zone that the Wayans brothers (seen above minus newly unemployed brother Damon) are looking to build a film studio on an old abandoned army base in Oak-Town. While I appreciate the boyz effort to redirect some duckets back into the community, I'm shuddering at the keyboard trying to visualize a green light for 'White Chicks 2' in 3D...

According to the article the base is only 70 acres so right off the bat you see the issues they're going to have trying to fit all the Wayans family members inside that joint. And just so we're straight, although I vibed with Keenan Ivory's In Living Color (maybe because it was only 30 minutes which seems to be the perfect sized slice of Wayans humor) I can't say I've been a fan of their movies (with the exception of A Low Down Dirty Shame - I liked Jade Pinkett's (pre Big Willy Style) Peaches character...). Shawn and Marlon are a little too over the top even for my a**. Some where along the line they forgot that with comedy - less is more, maaaaaan.

Anyway, looks like the deal will get done since for the moment they're up against that fearsome competition bidder Nobody. Dang - if I had some loot I'd jump in there just to make sure the deal *didn't* happen. Letting those boyz have their own film studio is like slipping a rock of crack to Dave Chappelle... Oh snap! Did I just type that out loud??



Monday, June 13, 2005

Destiny's Child: First 'The Fall' now 'The Split'

Wassup, Y'all!

Wow - kinda unfortunate the M-Jack verdict came down today - with all hysterical hubbub drowning out the blogosphere, the news that sassy shorty trio Destiny's Child is calling it quits *almost* passed me by! I'm sure in the days to come the dazzling divas will get their due on the high profile blogs but tonight, a fitting Malone Zone send off will have to do...

Man, I remember it just like it was yesterday that Kelly and Beyonce were kicking out members and gluing in new ones. Who can forget 'The Fall' on 106 & Park, when Michelle hit the stage like a ton a bricks while her girls Kelly and Beyonce just looked at her and kept on dancing. The show must go on y'all. And I was *just* getting over the demise of those funky En Vogue divas... I wonder who will rise up to fill the void? A homeboy can only take those roughneck hip hop divas for so long you know...

What the Phunk?...Finally swooped the new Black Eyed Peas joint Monkey Business and that joint is off the hook. I'm moving most of those cuts into the Hoopty Rotation. I'm not sure if it's the off the wall, unique sound that crew has or me just visualizing Fergie in any of their videos that makes the music that much more appealing. Anyway, old girl is doing her thing and I'm pumping her in Stery-ery-ery-ery-eryo. How'd those knuckleheads ever get along with out her?

MZ crack backs...before I go, I'd be remiss if I didn't drop a couple Malone Zone crack backs. First, the 'stunning surprise' that The Chosen One - Kellen Winslow, Jr. is out for the season (old news) and Cleveland will be looking to get some of it's loot back (inevitable news). To that I can only quote my girl Pheebs and drop a patented: hahahahaha Hopefully, this will be the last we'll hear of big money athletes indulging in whatever they please despite the risks (Ricky Williams excluded - Ricky, pass the Dutchie, homeboy!)

Lastly, tough break for Tyson Beckford, who taking a page out of DMX's driving handbook, cracked his hoopty up on a utility pole. Actually his deal was a little more serious than DMX getting into a fender bender with a police car - Tyson's joint actually caught fire. Anyway, I guess old boy's X'ed out of the Tyrese Gibson role when they cast The Fast and The Furious 3. Dang - I was looking forward to that joint too...



Saturday, June 11, 2005

A Shorty Remote Control Device....

Wassup, Y'all!

Way back in February, I posted on the phenomenon of the 'diamond effect' on women. In the glossy on the right, we see this effect in real time on Somalian shorty Iman. This glossy reveals two things: 1) There's *no* way she got that joint from David Bowie and 2) with a rock that size, her smile shouldn't wear off until some time in December. Hopefully, David is getting some of the residuals from her feel good moment. Anyway, Natan Jewelry is kicking a slick campaign that touts the 'Power of Diamonds' and although I normally roll my eyes at smarmy diamond ads aimed squarely at getting shortys to encourage their men to part with their cheddar if they *really* love them, Natan's ad had me actually thinking that there's also something in it for me...

Any ad that's funny already has me half way there. The Natan's ads all key on 'before and after' moments as in before the jewelry box is opened and after. The one below is 'priceless'.

Tyrone's Diamond Campaign:
"Cause and Effect"
Diamonds - worth every penny...

Now see, an effect like that on the right shorty is a *very* persuasive argument for dropping some loot on a rock...



The 10 Things I Hate About You, TiVo

Wassup Y'all!

Now don't get me wrong and think I'm ready to drop kick my TiVo - one or both of my arms would go first before I ever go back to 'regular' television again - but I do have a few nits to pick with the current top dog of DVRs - the device dubbed by former FCC Chairman Michael Powell 'God's Machine'....

1) Subscription Fee

What's that about? I don't remember paying another cent once I bought my VCR back in the day (outside of for tapes). Yeah, I know there's the nifty channel guide and software updates, but when I bought my unit the 'lifetime' subscription fee was $299! That's three bills to you and me that could surely go toward buying some other gadget I desperately 'need'.

2) Slooooow

Dude, what's running under the hood - a Commodore 64 running DOS? The only thing more maddening than TiVo's 'Please Wait' screens that follow pretty much every action are those whack a** video game load screens. Clearly other solutions have caught on to this gripe as I caught a demo of Microsoft's IPTV and those screen changes were instantaneous. As in nature, TiVo - adapt or perish...

3) Miss A Minute, Miss A Lot

If you watch any TV you've no doubt noticed that shows don't always start and stop on time lately. Just like a VCR, TiVo's not going to save you the pain of missing the last seconds of the season finale cliffhanger if it happens to run long or will it figure out that a Presidential News Conference has shifted programming by an hour leaving you to discover a nasty secret after you grab a brew and some chips and settle on the couch to catch the last episode of 'Lost'. I think I can *still* smell beer on my wall...

4) No PiP

Let me get this straight - you've got two tuners but you can't pull off Picture in Picture? Microsoft's UltimateTV DVR pulled that off with two hard drives behind its back. Not only did it provide PiP it came with the side effect of being able to jump between four programs at once (the main program and the last channel recall in each window). Match that up with the NFL Sunday ticket and that's *almost* better than sex...

5) Conflicts!

Invariably, you'll run into a situation where you want to record so much content that you'll run out of tuners and timeslots. When this happens, TiVo dutifully shows you the conflict and gives you the choice of recording the new stuff or recording the old stuff. If you want to see the episode details of the old stuff to make an informed decision, can you do it from that same screen? Of course not - you have to navigate through three other screens, see whats what, navigate back then pull the trigger if you really can live without seeing your old choice. Another strike against a whack user interface, y'all.

6) CIA Monitoring

It best to not even think about it but *every* action you do with your TiVo is being monitored and sent back to TiVo central for 'anonymous aggregation'. Shows you record, commercials you skip over, scenes you freeze frame, every little detail. Creepy and totally invasive.

7) TiVo Suggestions

Touted as an innovation, I find this feature - where TiVo catalogues your recording tendencies and then suggests similar shows - annoying and inaccurate (actually annoying because it's so inaccurate). Although based on my feelings about item #6 though, this may be a good thing.

8) Tuner Trauma

Can't seem to have enough tuners as the networks ply their evil plan to put every show you want to see on the same night, in the same timeslot, on different channels. If you're recording two shows (one per tuner), you either have to watch one of them (what's the point of recording it?), watch one of your previously recorded shows or watch another TV entirely. I figure four tuners, rather than the stingy two, would be just right as I've never hit a situation where I needed to record more than three shows simultaneously. So with four I could record three and watch TV on the fourth.

9) Vaporizing the Buffer

When watching live TV on either tuner, TiVo will automatically buffer the most recent thirty minutes of programming allowing you to pause, rewind, etc. However, if you should accidently switch to a different channel and then jump right back, the buffer is gone and there's no way to rewind back to what you missed. Seems more intelligent to buffer whatever content you're watching, regardless of what channel you jump to.

10) The Temporal Black Hole

This one's pretty obvious - with all that content I record, it's all I can do to keep up with watching it all. Now I have my own TV show marathons as I slog my way through two or three back episodes of my favorite shows. Okay - in this case I'll admit - it's a good problem to have.



Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Shorty Sayings We LOVE To Hear

Wassup, Y'all!

I keep a pretty good rotation of magazines in the crib - some for show (Newsweek, Business Week, Jet) - other for conversation (Maxim, FHM, King) - still others for their abundance of good info (Men's Health, Cargo, GQ). I'm a little backlogged so I'm just getting through the May 2005 issue of Men's Health and bumped up on the results of an intriguing survey. It seems 377 homeboys logged into to answer the following question:

"What's the sexiest thing a woman ever said to you?".

What followed seemed to flow straight from the pages of Penthouse Forum...

Men's Health's tagline is: "Tons of useful stuff" and that's no lie. You can easily spend an hour or more perusing that bad boy's selection of gadget, sex, clothing, food and health tips. I like mags like that (and kudos to Cargo mag which is similar - less health, more gadgets - for getting smart and including a free page of stickers to use to mark pages that you want to go back to!!) - one's that are good and good for you. Anyway, they broke off the top 24 shorty sayings, but I'll just summarize my Top Ten to encourage you to go peep the magazine at your leisure. All 24 sexy pearls were *hot* and might have a weak hearted homeboy fainting dead away if uttered by the shorty of his desire (I've posted a glossy of Tyra Banks since she's mine...until Rosario files a different flight plan...). Here we go, y'all:

Tyrone's Top Ten Sexy Shorty Sayings (courtesy of Men's Health Magazine)

10) I'm going to get naked now. Any questions?
9) I'm feeling dirty. I think I'll take a shower.
8) I'll make your bed spin
7) I would feel so safe lying beneath you
6) Take off your clothes and turn on the music
5) Sit back, close your eyes, and let me do everything.
4) You can have me now or have me later, but you are going to have me
3) You're my daddy
2) The sound of your voice makes my nipples hard
1) On the freeway: Have you ever gotten head at 100 miles an hour?

Wooooooo. I got to hand it to this selection of shortys - very creative and very hot. Look for those keywords when sorting through your shorty resumes, fellas. I doubt they'll steer you wrong...



Sunday, June 05, 2005

A Legend Rises in the Homeboy Nation!

Wassup, Y'all!

Players in the Homeboy Nation (also known as the male demographic) spend *a lot* of time talking to each other about how they can successfully creep with another woman while continuing to kick it with their main woman. Invariably, when a homeboy slips up and leaves an incriminating clue which leads to the ugly 'confrontation', Player Handbook Rule #2 clearly states "No matter how incriminating the evidence, don't admit the crime". Shaggy successfully put this rule to music in his hit 'It Wasn't Me' (though his boy did get caught dead to rights 'butt naked banging on the bathroom floor'). Back in March in my Basic Instinct post, I tried to give homeboys another handy escape hatch by appealing to basic science. Now comes the John Legend tune Number One (featuring Donte's boy Kanye West) with a completely novel approach that I call "embracing your doggish-ness"...

Okay, we can't speak intelligently on this without a quick peep at the first verse lyrics so here y'all go:

Number One - John Legend (feat. Kanye West)

Ooh I promise not to do it again
I promise not to do it

You can't say I don't love you
Just because I cheat on you
Cuz you can't see all I do
To keep you from knowing the things I do
Like erase my phone
And keep it out of town
I keep it strapped up when I sleep around
Well I should have known one day you'd find out
But you can't go and leave me now

You know that I love you
There's no one above you
I said it the last time
But this is the last time
Don't make me over
Cuz I can be faithful
Baby you're my number one
You're my number one

I heard this on the radio the other day and cracked the hell up! Here's a brother who's laying it *all* out for his girl - basically telling her how much she should be greatful that he's tipping out on her the right way, reverently, respectfully, and that she should feel honored because she's still his number one. Man - it's like those Guinness ads - BRILLIANT! Hence, the reason I'm bestowing the Superfly-Pimp Daddy Order of Merit on Supreme Player of the Realm John Legend on behalf of a greatful Homeboy Nation. Fellas, it's time to be a man, cop to it and let her know that of all the women you've been cheating on her with - she's still your number one girl!

The envitable beat down that will deservedly follow this pronouncement will be well worth it as Tom Cruise amply demonstrated the heinous behavior that can ensue (on national television no less) when you get too wrapped up in one woman and forget Player Handbook Rule #1 - "No matter your feelings for your girl, *alway* be smooth and play it cool".

The Object Of Tom's Affection
Dawson Handled it - What's Up With You?

Tom - if you're reading this - your Player Card has been hereby suspended for 180 days and you're required to begin your Player Reorientation Session immediately. We've assigned you 3rd Degree Player Master Eric Benet as your session mentor - do not fail us again or we will be forced to turn you over to the Homegirl Nation for transgendering...



Saturday, June 04, 2005

South Side Honeymooners?

Wassup, Y'all!

I've got seven words for this knucklehead idea - "What the hell is on your mind?" Man - who thought this was a good idea? Now I'm all for checking out hot shortys Gabrielle Union and Regina Hall but come on now! The Honeymooners is a classic and last I saw on TV Land that joint had a *north side* cast - and a great one at that. Hollywood - you can't just go messing with classics all willy nilly! What's next? A south side version of Gilligan's Island? Please...

Now I'm a south side homey from waaaay back (with a wee pinch of the Irish :-) ) and even I can see why the north siders might get a little pissed with this choice of casting. I like all four of the movie's stars but how is it that the creative geniuses in Hollywood couldn't create a new vehicle for them or even a "honeymooners-like" vehicle for them (like the Flintstones take off) instead of casting them in a remake of the Honeymooners itself? I know if I caught Brian Dennehy playing Fred Sanford, I'd be ready to take it to the streets. Sanford and Son is a classic in its own right too. I've never been a fan of these types of remakes and that goes back to Will Smith taking on the role of James West in Wild, Wild West. As they say down at Winky's Corner Store - I ain't wit dat. We need to be creating new roles and making them classics and get off these retreads.

Now I hear y'all out there saying, "But Tyrone, what about Bernie Mac in 'Guess Who?'" Yeah, yeah. First, I wasn't all the way on board with that joint, but you'll note it was a take off on 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner', not a remake with a south side cast and Ashton Kutcher in Sidney Poitier's role (I'd have been taking it to the streets in that case too, y'all!). Ironically, Mike Epps was in that joint too!

Personally, I'm much more interested in seeing Mike Epps playing Richard Pryor (side note: y'all know LA would be burnt to the ground the the day after they cast Jerry Seinfeld in any Richard Pryor role!) than I am in seeing him playing Ed Norton - a role that will always be owned by Art Carney. And Cedric the Entertainer, sir is damn sure no Jackie Gleason. They're different comedians with different styles and they need to stay that way. Now just in case, y'all never saw the original Honeymooners, here's a retro glossy to get you reoriented:

The Honeymooners
l to r: Cedric, Gabrielle, Mike and Regina

See what I mean?



Thursday, June 02, 2005

Oh snap! Look who's in da club!

Wassup, Y'all!

A verified LA comedy club sighting of none other than Dizzy Dave Chappelle. Seems the smell of that Season 2 DVD money ($35 mil and counting) was a little more than even he could resist.... To wit, DD dropped the now classic quote: "If I want to see any of that money, I better get my a** to work." True dat, Dave. True dat.



Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Why you little Mother Tucker!

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - if you're looking to get hit by lightening, just stand next to me y'all cuz lately *everything* I've been grooving on has gotten jacked up in one way or another. Dizzy Dave Chappelle (who I'm happy to report is at least back from his South African crack bender "spirtual journey" and is no doubt diggin' the news that his Chappelle's Show Season 2 DVD raked in $35 million in just 7 days making it the fastest selling TV DVD in history...) - still light years away from the studio, Kevin Hill - canceled, The Contender - canceled, Eyes - canceled, Tyra Banks - still not taking my calls. Now word finds its way to the Malone Zone that my boy Chris Tucker (who seems to be taking the Stevie Wonder eight-years-between-projects approach to making movies) has squashed reprising his role as Detective James Carter in Rush Hour 3! Man - what's a brother got to do to get some comedy love?...

Y'all may remember that I posted waaay back in August of last year, wondering where the hell Chris was and what was taking him so long to drop a new flick. Now I see what the hold up is. Old boy is doing too much damn partying, y'all. I peeped that fool at the Oprah Legends shindig, Naomi Campbell's birthday bash at the Cannes Film Festival and taking the witness stand at the Michael Jackson trial. Chris - come on now! How's any of that tom foolerly helping out your fans, homey? Now, you're leaving $20 million of Rush Hour 3 money on the table? Uh, can I have it?

I guess I'll have to keep turning to DVDs to get my laugh on from you and Dizzy Dave. I had to laugh when I heard Chris was going to be a witness for the defense at the Michael Jackson trial. It's a trip they're even friends after some of the routines CT pulled on Russell Simmon's Def Comedy Jam. The one I *still* laugh at is where he's playing Michael Jackson as a pimp and Michael's rolling with Tito down the avenue checking to make sure his ho's are handling their business. He scrunches down in the passenger seat as he looks out the window and says (in his best Michael falsetto),

"Slow down, Tito (Tito keeps rolling) Slow down, Tito - damn! Is that my ho over there? Yeah, that's her - pull over, Tito. (calling out the window) Come here, girl! I said, come here, girl! You got my money?"

That joint cracks me up. Since popping on the scene in House Party 3 in 1994, CT has been coasting, dropping just nine movies since and just one since 2000. Yet somehow homey *still* gets an invite to Oprah's party!! Chris, where's the justice? Better yet, where are the movies? Dude, if you aren't going to do Rush Hour 3, do *something*! The people are jonesing for a laugh. And you know this - maaaaaan!