Friday, December 24, 2004

Why can't Mommy cook?

Wassup, Y'all!

Here it is Chrismas Eve and I'm pondering what Christmas day will be like not tomorrow, but in about ten years when our generation moves into the holiday driver's seat. Right now it's still all good with Momma cooking the holiday meal but the Ghost of Christmas Future took me on a wild ride last night and I'm here to tell y'all, it ain't pretty. It ain't pretty at all....

Perhaps y'all have noticed the same phenomenon I have - namely young sisters ain't cooking like their mommas. In fact, folks from our younger generation really don't do much at all like our parents do. How many sisters have you seen with a sewing machine? How many sisters know the difference between a Dutch Oven and Double Dutch? How many brothers could pop open a car hood these days and do more than check the oil (if they can do that). Maa fact, some brothers might be hard pressed to change a flat or jump start a dead battery. All this adds up to some sorry holidays ahead, y'all. Full of Hungry Man Turkey TV dinners for Thanksgiving and Christmas or a family holiday trip to the Hot Shoppe or Old Country Buffet. Man, even if y'all watched Soulfood on Showtime - toward the end you hardly ever saw the Joseph girls throwing down on a Sunday meal. I was dubious that Bird was doing any real cooking anyway - old girl was doing just a little too much clubbing - it seemed to me that Maxine was the real cook in the family.

The Ghost of Christmas Future showed me the family gathered from far and near, all huddled around the card tables passing the KFC bucket and biscuits around. Digging into those KFC mash potatoes with those funky looking "Sporks". Ah well, at least clean up will be a breeze.

Happy Holidays, Y'all!


Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Rumsfeld - The Real Teflon Don

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - what's it gonna take? Does D-Rum have to get caught red handed passing our nuclear launch code to North Korea or what? If I know our boy GW, he'd figure out a way to put a positive spin on that nonsense as well. After mismanaging and misrepresenting the aftermath of the war we all find out that now D-Rum doesn't even have time to personally sign the notification letters to the families of those killed in action...

Last weekend on "This Week with George Snuffluphagus" GW's Chief of Staff Andy Card gave the following glowing assessment of D-Rum's performance (this prior to the letter signing dust up but following the Army's announcement that it was putting getting all military vehicles armored on the fast track - finally!)

"Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a spectacular job." - Andy "Hallmark" Card

After hearing that, I'm thinking - "Okay, Hallmark probably didn't get the 'D-Rum's got to go memo'". I'm sure GW will spend some of the 'Political Capital' he earned to deep six D-Rum! But lo and behold, a couple days later, GW shocks the world and 1) actually holds a press conference, 2) manages to walk out on stage and 3) gives D-Rum some ill gotten propers!! To wit:

"I believe he's doing a really fine job." - GW

GW was a little cagey throwing in a hedge phrase like 'I believe' and I can see a future scenario when D-Rum is finally shoved out the door and GW reshapes his statement by saying 'What you belive and what you know are two different things. There was a time when I believed , based on the same intelligence you all have seen, that Secretary Rumsfeld was doing a fine job. However, it's been brought to my attention that Don Rumsfeld's job performance is just a dog's hair north of extremely pi*s poor. ' In fact, I think Hallmark Card's comment was misconstrued as well. I believe he was using the word 'spectacular' in the literal sense as in 'a spectacular crash at the Daytona Speedway' or 'the spectacular cataclysm of an asteroid hitting the earth'. Something like that there, y'all.

In closing let me leave y'all with a final quote from GW after he glossed over D-Rum and glossed over his flameout nomination of Bernie "Little Gotti" Kerik. When asked who he planned to nominate next for the new role of Director of National Intelligence GW said simply:

"I'm going to find someone who knows something about intelligence." - GW

Dang, another job GW's not qualified for...



Monday, December 20, 2004

Reality TV - Keepin' it real

Wassup, Y'all!

I see ABC is starting to pimp the promos to the next installment of the Bachelorette and I noticed in the one I've seen that old girl's riding through Central Park in a horse drawn carriage with a pack of guys trailing behind. The camera happened to focus on one of the few brothers in the crowd and it sparked a question about these Bachelor/Bachelorette shows in general. Y'all know where I'm heading, but if you don't - read on.... First, let me drop a glossy of newest It Girl before I make my point.

Jennifer Schefft - Bachelorette #3

Okay, come on now! Is a sister ever going to be picked as a Bachelorette? How about a brother getting picked as the next Bachelor? Y'all know the that will happen when pigs are doing a fly by while Hell freezes over. Please - why even fake diversity concerns by including any minorities in the selection pool at all? Y'all know that one brother might as well be packing his bags for a trip home right now! It's too controversial y'all. Blonde haired white girl getting with a brother on national TV? You mean like Nicholette Sheridan and T.O? And we ALL know how well that went over. And just say for laughs the script ever got flipped and a brother or sister did get picked as the chooser on either of those shows. You think ABC would fill the selection pool with 90% black candidates? Or risk the drama of a black chooser actually selecting a white candidate and then proposing at the end? I don't think so - the world would fall right off it's axis, y'all. So what you have is the same old status quo. I wouldn't mind it but that sappy brother in the promo looked so happy - so hopeful. I just don't have the heart to break it to him on the real....dummy.

And for you Survivor fans out there (yes, I do watch every now and then), word's breaking that host Jeff Probst is kicking it with our favorite Native American shorty Julie Berry.

Julie Berry

Y'all remember Julie, youth mentor, known to sunbath nude to get the guys off their game. I don't know - old girls is kinda fast (although she was acting genuinely hurt that Chris dogged her and voted her out after saying he wouldn't). Now she's headed to Cali to get a Masters degree but seems to old Tyrone, she's really looking for a MRS degree. Heads up, Jeff! Could be a move to stretch out those 15 minutes of fame into 30 or maybe even 45.

Call me cynical y'all but in a Darva Konger / Anna Nichole world brothers can't be too careful...



Friday, December 17, 2004

Paging Boo Boo The Fool

Wassup, Y'all!

Sorry for the late posting - it's not my style to deprive the needy! I've been dippin' and dodgin' but managed to slap together a few tasty morsels for y'all's edification. So cop a squat and get your grub on. First up we have our Commander-in-Chief GW spending some more of the "political capital" he earned by nominating Bernie "Little Gotti" Kerik for the open Homeland Secretary slot. What's the deal with this nanny business trippin' up so many nominees? How hard is it hard to 1) make sure your nanny is a legal immigrant and 2) make sure you pay your nanny legitimately? Who does Bernie think we are? Boo Boo the fool? Please. Old boy probably snuck her over the border his damn self and then offered to pay her with a couple of weekly jimmy sammiches. Now it turns out that with a little more scratching (which GW's boys were too tired to do from all that post election partying) Little Gotti was tippin' (out) and tappin'(booty) when he got the feeling for the flavor. Shame, Shame. So I'm like hmmm, what attracted GW to Little Gotti in the first place? Rudy G.? The hard luck All-American poor-boy-makes-good story? Nah. I'm thinking it's the fact that Little Gotti made $6 million without investing a penny of his own money. Hey wait a minute...didn't GW make a little cake using that same method? Turns out Little Gotti graduated summa cum laude from the GW School of Magic Money Making (No money down, y'all!). Yeah - Bernie got lucky on the stock options to a stun gun company with a government contract... And all this from a *little* scratching of the surface...

Hey - what a difference a week makes for our troops in harm's way. Our boy D Rumsfeld (D-Rum to his boys and
who just got his tenth vote of confidence from GW) has got the Army in gear now, y'all. Turns out they're spending $4.1 billion to put armor on all military
wheeled vehicles!! That's so nice - and timely too! We've only been fighting for a couple years now and only have around 10,000 wounded soldiers and over 1,000 KIA. I'm sure they received the news warmly both here and in the hereafter. Knuckleheads! If you're gonna send 'em, PROTECT 'em! What I find interesting as well is how is it a $20 Improvised Explosive Device (IED) can inflict such damage on our *best equipped* fighting forces in the world? Where's all that Defense budget going? Must be our Missile Defense Shield... When GW and D-Rum speak, Boo Boo the fool listens...

The last act of our three act "Boo Boo the fool" play is played by our favorite Louisiana Judge Timothy Ellender got busted for wearing a jail jumpsuit, handcuffs and afro wig and blackface to a Halloween party. Apparently, he arrived at the party without the blackface, but the party's host - his brother - dressed as Buckwheat (oh tay!) in blackface - thought it would be a nice, final touch. In censuring Ellender, the Louisiana Supreme court agreed Ellender didn't
mean to insult blacks... Boo Boo - you out there man?! Hmmm, I may have bought that silly a** notion if Judge Dredd had just put on a old school black and white striped prison outfit with the handcuffs, but an afro wig and blackface seems to tell me that he was thinking black criminals are the only authentic criminals...but that's just me (and Boo Boo).

Oooo running long, y'all. Let me close - glossies coming soon!



Boardroom Diversity - You're Fired!

Wassup, Y'all!

That's right - it's two for one night here at the Malone crib. It wouldn't be responsible for me to close tonight without addressing everyone's favorite guilty pleasure - no not those tasty Pecan Turtles, y'all, I'm talking about The Apprentice - Season 2 that wrapped last night. Raise your hand if the outcome shocked you. Hold 'em up now and let me count...240 million in the country and I see about three hands up...and two are mine... I think that other one belongs to Boo Boo, the fool...

Man, please. Me and the boyz checked out the very first episode and while the opening credits were rolling I turned to my boy Tater Tot and asked who he thought was going to win and he said "The white boy", without blinking an eye. You got to give it up to Donald Trump (T-Money) - he knows how to keep the status quo popping in American's board rooms. What's the world coming to when a smoking blonde shorty with a platinum pedigree can't even make the cut? And this from over a million (according to T-Money) applicants. I guess we need to look forward to our own reality show called "The Middle Manager on the Bubble" cuz we won't be seeing the inside of T-Money's real boardroom any time soon. See if I were T-Money, I'd also have to drop that straight-laced Carolyn Kepcher and go with that freaky shorty Ivana! If she's motivated enough to drop her skirt on a busy New York street corner, old girl has what it takes to make it anywhere.

Good news, y'all! Affiliates are signing up for the upcoming Tyra Banks talk show this fall. Okay - it's only one for now, but I'm smelling momentum building. It' s good to know that our homeys in Portland, Oregon already know what time it is. For the rest of you, let me drop a glossy (and there are sooo many to choose from) on you and ask: "What's your hold up?" Call your local stations and get out the vote - dummies!

Tyra Banks

Now as I close tonight, I'd be remiss if I didn't share the love (and spotlight) with another Shorty on The Rise. You'll note back in my December 4th column I gave a similar nod to up and coming Shorty Brooklyn Sudano. This go round, I share the glossy of former Hilfiger model Joy Bryant.

Joy Bryant

Y'all keen observers will remember old girl from The Antwone Fisher Story (homeboy's girlfriend) and more recently the movie Honey with Shorty Supreme Jessica Alba (she played homegirl's girlfriend... hmmm a trend emerges...). She's still trying to break out and is next due up in the movie Skeleton Key due next year. Keep an eye peeled, y'all. She's another slim goody who has the chops to go long.

I'll holler!


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Oprah - commitment issues?

Wassup, Y'all!

You know I was browsing through the magazine rack just the other day looking for column material and there's no way you can avoid eventually running into O - The Oprah Magazine and a brother just has to think to himself "Dang Oprah - can't you let just one fine shorty grace your cover?". I know it's her magazine and all but that joint has got to be the ultimate vanity vehicle with her mug showing up on every cover. That got me thinking about the Oprah phenomenon in general and the central question as our boy Stedman suffers in silence - how come nobody ever talks about Oprah's commitment issue? If the tables were turned and Stedman was the billion dollar talk show host who was famously shacking up with Oprah, you have to know that every sister in America would be questioning just what was taking him so long to pop the question!

They'd be having satellite linked "Stedman Ain't Sh**" parties and filling message boards on how a brother could be so low as to string a woman along for years like that. But flip the script and everyone knows it's Oprah playing the dog role and nary a peep is heard about it. Don't get me wrong, y'all. Oprah's good peoples and puts her money where her mouth is but come on now! Y'all know Stedman would have had a brick thrown at him by now. Ahhhh, the female double standard....

Previously I'd mentioned a return to our national network UPN (sorry BET!) so here we go. First, a "too bad, so sad" goes out to our favorite TV couple Boris Kodjoe and Nichole Parker (shorty extraordinaire). Word is UPN won't be picking up their show "Second Time Around" for renewal... I have to admit I didn't even make it the first time around to that joint although I liked them both in Showtime's "Soul Food" (but nobody plays Terrie Joseph like my girl Vanessa Williams). On a happy note, Kevin Hill did make the cut and should see another season. For my thoughts on KH, check my December 1st column. The reason I've chosen UPN as our national network is because, without fail, its shows rate among the highest viewed in black households. Currently, UPN's "Girlfriends" hold the slot as top rated black show (how is this possible with Tyra showing up weekly on the same network in Top Model?) Girlfriends!?? In fact, the top five most watch shows by black America are UPN shows (Girlfriends, Half and Half, Second Time Around (what?), One on One and Eve). Where's that Cosby clone "My Wife and Kids"? What no Bernie Mac? Showtime at the Apollo? Julia? What I find interesting is that none of those top five shows is anywhere close to the top ten broadcast shows nationally. Nationally, "CSI: Miami is #2". Now you haven't heard any plans not to renew that show have you? Course not. But the #2 rated black show - "Second Time Around" is headed for that old sitcom recycle bin in the sky. And you wonder why we have a higher instance of high blood pressure. It ain't fair, y'all! Nichole is too hot to go down without a fight!

So I'm on my Save Nichole crusade, y'all. To get the male vote, I proffer the following glossy:

Nicole Parker

Come on now, y'all! Would you rather look at Nicole or an autopsy of a five day old corpse fished out of the Everglades? I rest my case! Get to writing those letters!


Saturday, December 11, 2004

The Maxim Phenomenon

Wassup, Y'all!

Got a (dime) bag full of goodies to dig into followed up by the annointing of my newest Shorty of the Week, so straighten up and fly right. Let's dispense with the bad and the ugly before moving on to the good and it can't get any badder or uglier than our latest turncoat swing state of Ohio (or Nohio to those familiar with current events). Now I know 51% of Ohio is full of cool peoples and I don't want to paint with too broad a brush but come on now! The twisted Wives Tale Handbook tells us that bad things always happen in threes. To wit: 1) Ohio's election night gift to GW, 2)The Jack Ruby take down of Damageplan guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott (Side note #1: I know the fellas down at Winky's corner store are going "who?" Side note #2: how cool is that name?), and 3) (and most funky of all) the FBI looking into a serial letter writer who sent letters to black Cleveland High School athletes saying they'll be "castrated, shot or set on fire" if they're involved in interracial relationships like Jeb Bush. Similar letters have been sent to NFL players (wonder if Tiger got one?) and "other prominent black men". Man, I thought this kind of nonsense only happened in Idaho. Shame, shame. Come on Ohio - shake it off and get back in the game! You still got the Rock & Roll & Pro Football Halls of Fame going for you!

Old Tyrone also sees that D.L. Hughley didn't make the cut to be the next host of "The Late, Late Show". Dang - if you can't move in to fill the shoes of that great late night host Craig Kilborn your act needs a good wax and buff, homey. Craig Kilborn!?? D.L. : man didn't I tell you to skip "Soul Plane"? Sigh... It's been a looong time since Arsenio was kicking it. We've been through "The Keenan Ivory Wayans Show", "The Magic Hour" with Magic Johnson, and my favorite - "Vibe" with hosts Chris Spencer (who?) and Sinbad (dude - where you at? The brothers need another Soul Music Festival!). Shoot - time's about right to bring the Vibe talk show back - they can do it live via satellite from Rikers. Anyway, they tried out a number of host and somehow the best man for the job turned out to be the guy who played Drew Carey's boss on the "The Drew Carey Show" - Craig Ferguson! Ahhh, it all comes back to Ohio (Cleveland) - and any coincidence that old boy's first name is Craig??? I had my money on long shot shorty Aisha Taylor our latest Shorty Of the Week:

Aisha Taylor

Old girl is fine, funny and fine. I'm also questioning the blatant lack of late night host that aren't male and aren't of color - come on now - this is 2004. At least hook up George Lopez with a late night gig! You'll note the above glossy comes from the primo collection of Maxim Online and I have to pause to take my hat off to the innovative mind that said "You know, if we develop a new type of men's magazine that shows a little less skin than Playboy and keeps it classy, we can probably get any woman in entertainment to pose for them." And on the Sixth Day, Maxim, FHM, Stuff, King, Smooth and many others were created and all mankind saw that it was good. Like the cartoon guys in the Guinness beer ads are known to say - Brilliant! The shorties are famous and fine and you can bring those mags in the crib and have a valid argument for bringing them into the crib with your girl - but baby - they show less than Playboy! Brilliant!

So as a parting farewell to our cerebrally challenged, bigoted Ohio serial letter writer, here's a glossy of stone hotty Leeann Tweeden from "The Best Damn Sports Show Period", whose superlative work no doubt hangs in sports lockers around the globe - black men and white men, gentiles and jews. And note where this glossy hails from - that's right, y'all - FHM. If you aren't checking 'em, you better ax somebody!

Leeann Tweeden

Go on with your bad self Leeann! I'm Audi, y'all.



Thursday, December 09, 2004

It's a Given - Robin Dodges Bullet

Wassup, Y'all!

Caught an article flying across the wire that I just had to comment on. Old girl Robin Givens is back in the news, y'all! Actually she's been creeping back bit by bit as I caught her Oprah a week or two ago. I had to hop into Peabody's Wayback Machine to pull up a relevant glossy of the black Shannon Doherty. To wit...

Robin Givens Tyson

Y'all readers up on your current events will remember that earlier this year shorty Robin was kicking it in her 2000 Mercedes SUV (likely preoccupied with thoughts of how to get her career back on track) when she mowed down an 89 year old lady easing on down the crosswalk. Smacked her down, y'all. Old girl (literally) nearly lost a foot in that vehicular beat down. Side note #1: Apparently Robin, Halle and Lizzie Grubman took their driving lessons from the same whack driving school - Harry's Hit & Run (Side note #2: common thread here seems to be small women and large SUVs, hmmmm). Shorty Robin had to be flagged down before noticing she had dropped old girl. Anyway, good news rolled in for shorty Robin today, y'all - all charges dismissed (twice)! Now let's review how that occurred shall we? #1) Ticketing officers did not witness the mow down, #2) Civilian witness who did witness the crime did not appear in court, #3) Apparently old girl who got mowed down ain't talking. Come on now! Y'all know Mike Tyson's fingerprints are all over this!! I maintain Robin is still answering those 2 AM booty calls cuz anybody who's anybody knows that if you want someone intimidated, Mike's your man, man. Ahhhh, justice in America... Moral of the story - Shorty + SUV = run for your damn life!

Now if I may digress back in to my angry political persona - man, I just had to laugh at Rummy's chat with the troops on Wednesday. D-Rum was in Kuwait for a meet & greet with American's Finest and got put on the hot seat real quick about why the 'boots on the ground' had to scramble to find their own armament for their Humvees before the Pentagon stepped in. His reply:

You go to war with the Army you have." - D-Rum

Hmmm, if I'm not mistaken GW and the Boyz chose when we went to war. We weren't in immediate danger here on the homefront so it stands to reason that we could have at least waited until we did have the humvees outfitted. But don't worry, y'all, D-Rum said the Pentagon was "working to purchase more armament for the humvees". Hat's off for Rummy! Chances may be good that it will arrive before our tally of wounded hits 10,000. Once again, y'all, it's another brisk lesson from GW's Cold School. That just doesn't make any damn sense, but then again I hail from a Blue State.

Uh Oh - think I hear someone outside the windows, y'all! Might be that Red State hit squad (Side note #3: weren't red states associated with communism at one point?). I'm out!



Tuesday, December 07, 2004

I like it when they call me Big Pop-pa!

Wassup, Y'all!

I was scanning through the top ten videos on my show 106 & Park the other day and almost choked on my Cheetos y'all. There's a brother out there who not only looks like the dear departed Biggie Smalls, but sounds just like old boy too. Check out Guerilla Black's newest cut "You're The One" and tell me I'm not lyin'. Man - he's channeling Biggie. Now ain't that blip - a West Coast Compton rapper who looks and sounds like Big Poppa? For the brothers down at Winky's corner store - that's what you call irony. Man, can an East Coast Tupac clone be far behind?

And while we're on the subject, I'm sad to have to report that if you still want to get away with murder, just make sure you take out a rapper/DJ. Tupac, Biggie, Jam Master Jay - all cold cases, y'all. Maa fact - they aren't even cold cases, cuz now even those bad boys are getting solved on TV. But let Eminem's a** get got and they'll be on the trail like Andrew Cunanen, jack. No doubt.

But I digress - I was laughing at's Fridge 50 list (2004's 50 coldest entertainers) and our girl Halle Berry is already #2! That is cold. Other notables include Will Smith #13 (sounds like a bit of player hatin' there, though), Keenan Ivory Wayans #16 (way overdue), Queen Latifah #18 (man, come on! I liked 'The Cookout' & Taxi!), Morgan Freeman #19 (I hear he's back in form in his next pic with Clint Eastwood - 'Million Dollar Baby'), Mars Blackmon himself - Spike Lee #21 (it's been a looong time since Malcom X, y'all...) and of course, no Frigid list is complete without our boy GW (#43) - man, that goes without saying. That's like a redundant oxymoron!

Finally, in honor of Blade Trinity dropping on Wednesday, I'm going to switch it up and introduce a little diversity to the glossy file and drop a glossy of crossover shorty Jessica Biel. Sisters, email if you must but I mean, come on now! If I can drop in Mrs. Tiger Woods, Jessica can get just a little column space.

Jessica Biel

It's all about the shorty rainbow coalition, just like Jesse said. Woooo.

I'll holler!



Saturday, December 04, 2004

Brooklyn's in the House!

Wassup, Y'all!

First let me pass my congratulations on to our Ukrainian brothers and sisters in the struggle who successfully showed how civil disobedience is supposed to work in the face of dubious election results. As y'all have no doubt heard by now, the Ukrainian Supreme Court has overturned their recent election which, marred by rampant election fraud, came out in favor of the current Prime Minister over the opposition candidate. You got to give the opposition supporters their propers, y'all. They demonstrated, they protested, they threatened to take it to the street and secede if necessary to see that the right thing was done. Now let's contrast this with the shenanigans that occurred in the good ole U.S. of A during the election of 2000. Dubious election results, a demand for a Florida recount and a Supreme Court that said "oh hell no". We went out meekly on that one, y'all. The mouse didn't roar and the revolution got pre-empted by GW's gracious thanks to the Supreme Court for doing his dirty and his inaguration speech. Seems kind of appropriate to reflect on our national punk out now that GW's 2nd inagural address is a little over a month away. How is it we can generate more passion and civil disobedience when LAPD cops get acquited for dropping a beat down on Rodney King (who was wrong but didn't deserve the Abu Ghraib treatment) and not for something as monumental as a the theft of the Presidency? See, the Ukrains get it y'all. We need to take our superior noses out of the air and learn what conviction is about. You think the Ukrainian Supreme Court would have come to the same conclusion if the streets had been quiet? That ain't even a thing to make you go hmmmmm. Shame, shame.

So while I'm gettin' my appreciation on for Ukrainian passion, my thoughts now turn to a relative new shorty on the entertainment scene - Miss Brooklyn Sudano! Y'all know old girl as the 'new' Vanessa on the Damon Wayans vehicle "My Wife and Kids". Side note: It looks like old DW won't be happy until he has his entire family working on the show - just for fun, watch the show and count the number of times you see the name 'Wayans' roll in the credits. When you get to thirty you can stop. Here go a couple Brooklyn glossies to help y'all feel me.

Brooklyn Sudano

Looks like a new star in the making. Her role on the show may be a little on the smallish side, but it's her first major break and old Tyrone is looking for bigger and better things for her. After all her pedigree is pretty tight. Old girl is the daughter of producer/songwriter Bruce Sudano and sultry disco diva Donna Summer - the Bad Girl herself. Awwww yeah - I love to love me some Donna Summer baby and it looks like the shorty didn't fall to far from the shorty tree, y'all! So I'm putting Ms. Brooklyn on my "Catch a Rising Star" short list. Y'all heard it here first.

Kevin Hill's blind a** could take a few pointers from Jr. Kyle's goofy a**. At least he was smart enough to land the shorty supreme.

I'm Audi y'all!



Wednesday, December 01, 2004

This Michael's a real Thriller

Wassup, Y'all!

A couple items came across the new wire that I should comment on - a little bad news/good news thing. First, our boy Tavis Smiley has decided to part ways with his National Public Radio show on December 16th. Dang T.! First BET, now NPR. Poppa's a rolling stone - no doubt.
Sounds like he's doing it for all the right reasons, though. Despite the success of The Tavis Smiley Show From NPR to the tune of 900,000 listeners, apparently only a third of them are us, y'all. Dang - who even knew 300,000 black folk even listened to NPR? Which is exactly T.'s point. His view is that NPR isn't going the extra mile to attract the black demographic to his show. Note to NPR Execs: If you want to pull us in - get off NPR, put the show on UPN and pair T. up with a fresh comedian! If you ask old Tyrone, I think T. is angling for some of that Howard Stern, Sirius satellite radio money! When Howard inked that deal ($100 million a year), his stack when from fat to morbidly obese (I was gonna drop in a Star Jones joke but since old girl's slimmed down into the female skinny Luther, I'll have to let that one go!) In happier news, T. is expanding his late night PBS talk show (2nd seasons starts January 7th) into Friday nights. Folks are watchin' and you should be too, y'all! Anyway, good luck T.!

Moving on to T.'s partner in crime - Tom Joyner, the Haarrrdest Working Man in Showbidness. Word is he and his partner have sold 51% of their Reach Media, Inc. (which produces and distributes the Tom Joyner Morning Show) for $56.1 million in cash and prizes! Fly Jock - where's the after-party, man? No way you can be tight now. Hope Jay and Sybil get a taste of that cake.

Now back to UPN. I'll be devoting an entire column to this cultural phenomenon soon, but for now let me focus on one of its viewing morsels - Kevin Hill.

Kevin Hill cast

Dang ladies, hold up! Ease back from the screen! Taye Diggs ain't all that. For y'all brothers who tune out right after Tyra's American's Next Top Model rolls credits, let me set the stage for you: Young, ambitious brother lawyer, working for a top law firm in NYC get's willed an infant girl by his cousin who's died (hence the willing part). Pre-baby, Kevin's (Taye Diggs) a mack daddy with the crack crib and hot social life (yours would be hot too if you made the lawyer paper like old Kev). Post-baby, old boy has to leave the big gun law firm for a smaller, 'family friendly' firm run by Shorty of the Week, Michael Michelle (behold the glossy).

Michael Michele

Old girl runs a quaint little firm with two other female lawyers - a hot blonde shorty and a hot redhead shorty. Annnnyway, despite working for foine shorty Michael Michele, Kevin spends his time looking for love in all the wrong places. Granted his movie star, on again/off again girl is at least a 9 'a' on the Daaaaamn scale, I'm talking Michael Michele, y'all! C'mon Taye! Dude, I sentence you to two neck smacks and a kick in the a** for over looking the obvious. Man - no wonder the show is struggling with unrealistic writing like that. How can I be the only one who sees it? Oh well - more for old Tyrone. At least you can appreciate this week's shorty. Give the real Michael her propers, y'all!



Sunday, November 28, 2004

Artest Redux - From Chapter III to Chapter XI

Wassup, Y'all!

Y'all know it's not me to kick a man when he's down, but I'm only writin' so let me crack back on our favorite knucklehead one last time (maybe) before moving on. My NYC contact Lil' Punch is on the front line tabulating the dailies on record sales and this just in....Eminem & Destiny's Child are safe y'all! It looks like R-Testy's newly produced CD Chapter III for the girl group Allure (how is it boys have bands and girls have groups?) is selling like...cold cakes. Here's a glossy for y'all's inspection. Can't be their fault...R-Testy, man how can you not properly prop a group of hotties?


Not many units flyin' off the shelves, y'all, surprising as that might be. But I'll hold out judgement since this is R-Testy's freshman effort. Word is most acts got their start hawking home pressed CDs from the trunk of their Pintos (Dr. Dre). Side Note: R-Testy! Congrats on makin' the cover of Sport's Illustrated's November 29th issue. I normally reserve my SI purchases to the annual shorty swimsuit joint but I had to peep this one in your honor.

Now onto a first for old Tyrone. I have it issue a retraction y'all. Y'all regular readers will remember my implicit crack on Lil' Jon in my November 17th column where I was fussing about Destiny's Child singing about needing a 'Soldier'. It turns out that I've been out of the loop. Silly me thinking hot shorties don't really go for...homely brothers. My bad, it turns out that hot shorties don't go for poor, untalented homely brothers. Yes, y'all in a world where even Flavor Flav can pull a hot shorty, my Entertainment Bureau Chief My-T Star called to tell me that not only was Lil' Jon dating lyrical shorty Mya, but now he's dating new 'it' girl shorty Christina Milian.

Now in case y'all aren't from this planet and don't know either of these top shelf shorties, let me drop a couple more glossies.

Mya - King Oct Issue

Christina Milian

How can life be so unfair? So here it go Lil' Jon - my bad. Okaaaaaay?



P.S. If the previous glossy of Farrah Franklin didn't convince you to get a subscription to King Magazine, that Mya cover has got to have you ready to part with some paper, y'all! Quiet its kept - word is Christina was a former cover girl - don't miss it!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Artest, Artest, Where For Art Thou, Artest?

Wassup, Y'all!

The hard foul has been laid, the face has been pushed, the cup has been thrown, the fans have been beat down and the suspensions have been levied. Now all that's left is for old Tyrone to do is help you make sense of the Motown Mow Down, the Detroit Droppin', the Pacer Pound Down,, y'all get the idea.

First (and on point) - Ron Artest - Shut up and stop crying. You did the crime, now thug up and do the time (and eat the fine). Homey, when the phrase "worst brawl in NBA history" is attached to your deal, you have to figure you're going to end up with the "worst suspension in NBA history". Cuz, look on the bright side - you've made NBA history twice in a week. That's got to be worth something. Get you a slick little T-shirt concept and market that bad boy during your down time. Maa' fact - those joints might come in handy as extra income generators during your upcoming rap album tour. Just look at how much time you'll have on your hands to to promote that bad boy? Is that convenient or what. You were just asking for a little time off to attend to that stuff anyway. The Lord works in mysterious ways don't he?

Now I understand that losing $5 million from your fat stack is going to sting a little bit but see, that's where that whole T-shirt gimmick can work for you. Think about it, homey. You could design you something fancy like a white crew-neck T with the words "Beer Attack" on the front and a picture on the back of a beat up face (one eye swolle, hickey on his forehead, two missing teeth) wearing a cockeyed Piston's hat and the words "Will Get Yo Face Smacked" underneath. Awww yeah - that joint would be simple and understated. The ultimate in urban elegance. Who wouldn't want one of those bad boys? Save one for me, y'all!

Now let's look at the story inside the story, y'all. First, old Tyrone is going to have to agree with one school of thought that says the quality of fundamental play in the NBA has been declining for years. To wit - our shabby showing in the 2004 Summer Games. It's been a long time coming and now it's finally here, y'all. The end of American basketball dominance. And how sad is that? We invented the game! Check my August 16th column for my initial gripe about this sad state of affairs. So now we have immature, unsound players (aka high schoolers) rolling into the league. A bunch of shake and bake, freestyle freelancers who never met a dribble they wanted to give up or a ball they wanted to pass. It's a trifling world full of players who prefer to skip practice and just show up for games and skip the regular season and just show up for the playoffs. Shame, shame. Now mix this madness with an equal part of pervasive hip-hop culture that attracts young black men like a Victoria's Secret video shoot (the Tyra collection) and you can see where this chest thumping madness is coming from. To wit Diddy's champagne bottle greeting, Shyne's shootout on Diddy's (and J Lo's) behalf, the still unsolved 2Pak and Biggie whackings (which deserves it's own column), Fiddy's 9 slugs and the latest highlight on the police blotter, Young Buck's attempted murder arrest for slipping a knife in during the Vibe brawl. These are the new role models for the NBA crew. The real question is why this type of brawl didn't happen sooner. Now we have fools flexin' and willing to protect their rep at any cost. It's Thug Life NBA style y'all. Please. You better nip this one - D. Stern or NBA will stand for NoBody Attending. We can just watch it all unfold in a rap video - at least those bad boys have video hootchies rocking it owwwwttttt!

My Shorty of the Week again goes to that fine multicultural shorty Rosario Dawson who's dropping in Oliver Stone's Alexander this week. Rosario remains atop my all time finest jail birds list (sorry - Martha didn't make the cut again this year, y'all).



Sunday, November 21, 2004

T.O., Nicholette, Christina & Britney - Whaattt?

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, there's too much madness blowing around for old Tyrone not to weigh in with his piece, Let's go right away to the Monday Night Football replays shall we? To paraphase that well known urban homey Lil' Jon - Whaatttt? Come on, y'all. What folks need to be up in arms about is not that fine shorty Nicholette Sheridan showing in a towel in the Eagles locker room but why it is that there are no black families living with the Desperate Housewives on Wisteria Lane. Not one, y'all (at least none that old Tyrone has peeped). Seems to be some real estate red lining going on. Don't get me wrong - Terrie, Felicity, Eva, Marcia and Nicholette are fine in their own way, but come on, you telling me there's no room for Vanessa Williams, Elise Neal or Jasmine Guy to move in across the street? What about the Huxtables? Shame, Shame. T.O. and Nicholette in a towel - come on, y'all! Grow up or head to Utah and start you one of those M. Night Shamalan villages.

Along those same lines, old Tyrone is happy to report that our favorite All American company Abercombie & Fitch has done nothing wrong yet they settled their "class-action federal discrimination lawsuit that accused the clothing retailer of promoting whites at the expense of minorities". A & F had to part with $40 million of their fat stack y'all for among other things "promoting a virtually all-white image in its catalog and elsewhere". Please. Not A & F. Go see how ridulous that charge is by checking out the ethnic diversity of its web site . Man, I hate frivolous law suits...

Hey, riddle me this Batman. What's the difference between Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears? It's basics, y'all. You see Christina can actually sing! Yeah she can look a little wigged out at time since she turned over her Christina X leaf but there's no denying old girl's got the pipes. Britney on the other hand has been looking pretty trailer trashy lately and would be lost in the woods without pre and post processing on her "singing" voice. Christina put her foot into a couple new tracks - Nelly's "Tilt Ya Head Back" and the remake of the old school standard "Car Wash" from the Shark Tale soundtrack. Awwww yeah. And speaking of Nelly, y'all noticing the new phenomenon going on in hip-hop with these cross genre collaborations? Nelly and country boy Tim McGraw in "Over and Over" (smooth cut y'all), Public Enemy and techno boy Moby in "Make Love, F**K War", Jay-Z and rap rockers Linkin Park in "Numb/Encore". I'm liking it. Our hip-hop brothers (even the cell block brothers who need to fall up into a church and find what they're not looking for) are sly, Jack. They're widening the audience and figuring out new cash streams just like the majority culture. Branching out into merchandise (clothes, beverages, perfume/cologne, etc.), media (offshoot video projects) and untapped musical markets. Who'd have thought we'd be here now when Sugar Hill dropped "Rapper's Delight" waaaay back in the day? My people, my people.

Finally, from the hootchie files - our 2nd favorite Pussy Cat (as in Josie and Pussy Cats and as in Rosario Dawson is our all time favorite Pussy Cat) Tara Reid is back at it again. The boozy babe pulled a unintentional Lil' Kim by going with the one breast in, one breast out look on the red carpet at our boy Diddy's 35th birthday bash. Typical - always trying to attract the attention of a casting agent. At first I was wondering how it's possible for one side of a dress to slip down without noticing that your breast is hanging out, then I went to the tape and took a closer look (research for this column don't you know) and it seems to me that bad boy's not 100% all natural (shocking!). Hmmm, must be the harder they are, the less you feel.... Big ups to for the glossies!

I'm out, y'all. I'm headed down to City Hall on P. Diddy's behalf to petition to get an opening on Chicago's Magnificent Mile for a Sean Jean store. Why should New York's 5th Avenue have all the fun?



Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Surviving Destiny's Child

Wassup Y'all!

Is it me or is Destiny's Child more visible than GW in Florida between hurricanes? Our girls have been all over ABC - Monday Night Football, GMA, 20/20 (tomorrow). I caught them on my show, 106 & Park on Monday and saw Michelle take a fall when they came sauntering out for their performance of 'Soldier'. The fall was funny (cuz old girl wasn't hurt) but what was funnier was Kelly's reaction to it. She watched her fall, kinda had a look that said 'Girl, no your a** didn't just fall' and then went straight into her dance - didn't even try to help old girl up. To Michelle's credit she got up and slipped right back into the beat - Where they at? Where they at?

Now after all this time of trying to teach my nephew to be a fine upstanding gentleman with the shorties, here come Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle talking bout "Better be street if you're lookin' at me'. Now the little homey wants to wrap his teeth in gold tin foil, wear a tight wife beater and kick a doo rag with a hat cocked to the side. He and his little troopers are pimping out their BMXs with spinners and hydraulics thinking that's the way to get with fine shorties like Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle. Shame, shame. To their credit, DC does halfway redeem themselves with another cut on their new album called Cater to U where they sing about gettin' they man's slippers and what not. Can't hate on that y'all! Anyway, for all you young shorties who plan to adopt that whack dating blueprint, let me drop the following cautionary glossy.

Ladies - that your street soldier on the left. Have fun at the family reunion next summer - Yeeeahhhh!

Now, kinda like Pete Best the infamous 'fifth' Beatle, you have to wonder what former group members LaTavia Roberson, LeToya Luckett & Farrah Franklin are thinking about DC's' mega fortune and fame. Here's an early DC glossy to get y'all reoriented.

That's LaTavia at the top left and LeToya at the bottom right in happier days. I can't place those other two hard looking Houston sisters in the glossy - where's blonde Beyonce and cinnamon haired Kelly? Side Note: I might have to find LeToya and drop my digits... Word is all three ladies are still in the biz but unlike DC those three are about as visible as John Kerry after the election. Farrah did have time in her bizzy schedule to flaunt some femine wiles in the Mar/Apr '04 issue of King Magazine - The Illest Men's Magazine. To wit, our third and final glossy of the evening (it's worth the wait y'all).

Farrah Franklin

Take that Beyonce! Okay, okay, I'll admit it will take more than that glossy to bump you off your Crazy In Love video perch. My carpets are still steaming and the last time I cue'd up that video was about two months ago.... Woooo.

Alright y'all - I'm ghost. I'm a go lose my breath (by watching DC's Lose My Breath video...again...for the tenth time....tonight)



Monday, November 15, 2004

No Sunset on Selma

Wassup Y'all!

My bad for being away so long. You know old Tyrone took the election pretty hard. Just when you think you can trust Florida, here comes that 'hi' in the middle state. I been licking my wounds down at Winky's with the fellas, plottin' strategy for 2006. The revolution's still being televised, y'all! Today's Boondocks about sums up my feelings on that joint. In the future, I hope to have guest bloggers drop by while I'm vacationing cuz I know y'all be missing my daily dose - sho you right.

Now on with the show. In happier political news, our boy Smooth Barack is on Capitol Hill today grooving through 'freshman' orientation. Awwww yeah, y'all. Remember Freshman O on campus? A new class of fresh shorties every year... It was a simpler, more happy time. If y'all remember the TV movie Keep the Faith, Baby about Adam Clayton Powell's move to Washington as a freshman congressman from his "kingdom of Harlem", you can pretty much imagine the fun Smooth Barak is having adding some much needed contrast to the Harvard & Yale Boys Club of America aka the U.S. Senate. Of course the best part of that movie was my girl Vanessa Williams and her fine self (note to Rick - You Dummy!). It was also interesting to note that ACP built his momentum to get to congress by backdooring A. Philip Randolph for the nomination. But hey - as we now know - that's politics, baby. For y'all brothers down at Winky's corner store talkin' 'bout A. Philip Who? - Check out his story in 10,000 Black Men Named George on DVD or video - know your history, y'all!

Speaking of Powells - our boy Colin finally got it right, renounced the Dark Side and joined the revolution today. It's bittersweet though y'all as our girl Condoleeza has now been completely seduced by the Dark Side. I had to work my Chocolate City contacts to grab her upcoming official State Department glossy. It ain't pretty y'all....

Condoleeza Rice

If you thought those European homeys were nervous before wait until they get the feel of C-Rice's light staff up they backside. Old girl don't play and that ain't even an exaggeration. Shoot France and Germany might as well get to bending over right now....

Alright, alright - man can't live on politics alone and your boy Tyrone is here to drop some dessert on y'all. I happen to wander my way into that new Selma Hayek flick After The Sunset and I'm still trying roll my tongue back into my head. Daaaaaaaaamn! That's right y'all. Selma pulled a 10 'A' Damn performance. Man - I knew old girl was fine, but I had no idea she was fooooine (note to Ed - You Dummy!)! That movie was a showcase for the hotty with body where a jewel heist accidently broke out. I'm installing Senorita Selma as this week's Shorty of the Week (and check out my column from August 24th to make sure you feel me on this one), but I was also woofing on Naomie Harris. She previously starred in that living dead flick 28 Days Later and you will hardly recognize her. The island ambiance did old girl a world of good. Here's a glossy so you can confirm my actual factuals.

Naomie Harris

Fellas - you'd be wise to check it out while it's still on the BIG screen. Even though DVD's give you the ability to pause and rewind (even those instant bootleg joints you can get at Winky's), there's no substitute for seeing Selma and Naomi on the 20' x 30' widescreen (unless you're Shaq y'all know you ain't rolling like that in the crib). 'ear me now, rude bwhy!



Friday, September 24, 2004

Them Goodies

Wassup, Y'all!

Back in effect. Been making my way through the 106 & Park rotation and still can't quite get all the hubbub surround that Ciara cut "Goodies". Now I admit, homegirl is the epitome of a slim goody (I'm talking slim) and you got to respect any sister in a hip-hop video these days talking about her goodies staying in the jar (even with Petey Pablo's a** roaming around - y'all know how he do). Y'all can judge the glossy for yourselves....


I think that's just one of those cuts that grows on you after awhile. Now LL's Headsprung video just makes a brother want to sneak through the back door (of the club) and live it up. Somehow my clubbing experiences never seem to match up with LL's though...

Speaking of sisters in hip-hop videos, looks like Lil' Kim's body guard C-Gutta is going to do a 12 year bid. I know y'all are saying wooooo, but seems to me he got off light after snapping twenty caps off. Maybe we can get Nelly to sport another bandaid in support of old C-Gutta. Dag and P. Diddy's boy Shyne only got a 10 year bid and is somehow making jailhouse videos with that hottie Ashanti. Only in America, y'all can you make more money in the hip-hop world by being 1) dead (Tupac & Biggie) or 2) a jailed felon (Shyne)



Sunday, September 12, 2004

C'mon, Put Your Hands in Air Y'all!

Wassup Y'all!

I just stopped in from a quick trip over at iTunes and caught the new Public Enemy / Moby collabo - Make Love F**K War. That joint is HOT! The video reminds me of a cross between Alicia Keyes "Diary" around the world concert footage and Michael Moore's Farenheit 911. It's an anti-war piece y'all so if you ain't feeling it don't check it out.........Okay, now that all the Republicans have left the room we can talk freely.
Man, it's good to see Public Enemy back on the beat! They may not be the most successful rap act on the boulevard, but Chuck D and Flava never stop keepin it real. Fight The Power, Can't Truss It - those boys are the real town cryers, letting folks know what's what.

This new joint is all that and Moby laid a fat beat down on the track - Moby/P-E! Despite Peanut M&M's views on Moby, talent is talent and Fat Boy Slim's got nothing on Moby when it comes to a thumpin club beat. I also like that diversity - who the heck would have put Moby and Public Enemy in the same room? If you ask me - that's why America is the greatest country. Talent is color blind and when you mix different techniques like they did, you end up with a JAM like MLFW. Do yourself a favor before you download the track, peep the video. It kinda makes you ask yourself - WHAT THE HECK ARE WE DOING? I just caught a little piece of This Week With George Snuffelufagus and he profiled a photographer who was so fed up with no one really covering and reporting on the war wounded from Iraq that she put together her own photo collection together for public view. We may have recently crossed the tragic 1000 figure for war dead, but the figure for war wounded is around 7000! In a lot of those cases we're not talking John Kerry sized shrapnel wounds, but grievous, life altering wounds... Just makes the message in MLFW all the more relevant. GW shame, shame. All this for a family grudge (cuz we sure know there are no WDMs or links to Al Qaeda up in that piece).

I guess the other question which continues to go unasked is: How many Iraqi civilians have been killed in the war? Is it more than Saddam dropped out? If so, WHAT THE HECK ARE WE DOING? Lately it hasn't even been a red state / blue state debate. I'm a blue state guy but when I listen to a moderate voice like John McCain, I'm thinking the red state crew can't be that bad - it must just be GW, Off The Chaney and the rest of his fear mongering administration. Everybody keeps asking "Have you ever seen such a nasty campaign?" to which I reply, didn't Pappa Doc Bush roll out Willie Horton? The apple sure don't fall far from the tree....

Anyway - sorry to be so surly in this joint. I'm still tripping on the point jacking that happened to my girl Serena in the US Open. That was some serious umpire player hating going on y'all! Check out MLFW, y'all. I defy you not to nod your head to that beat.



Monday, September 06, 2004

What's the Deal in Florida?

Wassup Y'all!

First, I need to apologize for my lackadasical reporting as of late. Old Tyrone's been a little distracted since I heard that Destiny's Child was getting back together to help the NFL kick off their season on Thursday. That's right, y'all! Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle are back for three times the fun. When I should have been blogging, I was thinking about Kelly's shimmy shake in their Bootilicious video (old girl is a fine, tall drink of Cherry Kool-Aid)...

Yeah, Beyonce is eye candy (especially in that "Crazy In Love" video - wooooo), but Kelly's the down home sister brothers want to take home to meet moms. Speaking of eye, that brings me to today's blog topic - what's the deal with Florida and those hurricanes? Man FL is getting spanked homeys and to add insult to injury, there's another bad boy brewing out in the Atlantic (Ivan the Terrible). So I had to ask myself, just what did Florida to to deserve such a biblical beat down? Hmmmm, perhaps it's not what Florida did (2000 Presidential election day shenanigans) so much as what Florida shouldn't do in a couple months. I submit the new poster child for hurricane alley is getting one of those chilly warnings about what could come if more election year shenanigans ensue. You know, like on the Soprano's when you've just taken out a sizable loan from the family and they take you to dinner, schmooze it up with you - "more bread? C'mon, have a little more of that ziti" - then walk you out back where a non-paying client is getting shoved into a wood chipper. See, that's what they call a warning, y'all.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not making light of the hardships our fellow citizens are enduring with these single minded hurricanes. After all, they did have to reschedule the FSU-Miami game. That's pretty harsh. Anyway, this FL/hurricane business is just another one of those things that make you go Hmmmmmmm.

Moving on - I was dipping and dodging through TV and the newspapers the other day and happened upon two outlandish boasts that both referred to my boy, old school crooner Teddy "Lady's Get 'em Ready" Prendergrass. Sometimes you just have to laugh. Like Whitney referring to bad boy Bobby Brown as the King of R&B after one hit album and a rap sheet longer than her hair extensions! King of Fulton County lock up, maybe, but R&B? According to R. Kelly - "What's R&B without the R?" Anyway, within days of each other I hear Ronnie from the rejuvenated group New Edition, propping their new album (on Diddy's Bad Boy label) and talking smack that there's a track on the album featuring Johnny Gill that will make him the new Teddy Prendergrass! C'mon now! Johnny's got some deep pipes but it takes a little more than that to bump Teddy out the blocks. How many ladies have been freely throwing their draws onstage at a Johnny Gill concert? Uh huh - see what I'm saying? Now flash forward a couple days and I read about Nelly propping his new double album set - Sweat/Suit. Actually that's a good gimmick - one album with fresh hip hop club beats and one with smoother, slow jams. Anyway, everybody knows Nelly and Jaheim collaborated on their current hot cut 'My Place' and didn't Nelly step out there and claim that Jaheim was the next Teddy Prendergrass? C'mon now! Jaheim? Yeah - old dude's got the pipes too and the cut is HOT, but for those who read my blog on carpetbagging Alan 'Skeleton' Keyes, you'll know comparing Jaheim with Teddy is like comparing Macy Grey with Beyonce (and I'm not referring to vocal stylings...). Y'all fools get off Teddy!

Alright I'm out! I'm still trying to get all that foul graffiti off the hoopty. Seems the Republicans were sharing a little more than just love (y'all know I'm kiddin', right?) at the convention. I've been scrubbing for about a day now and still can't get that picture of an elephant dropping his draws off the hoopty's hood. If y'all responsible are reading this blog (y'all know I'm kidding, right?) all I have to say is - that just ain't riiight!! Those were some big ass draws!



Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Free Rosario!

Wassup Y'all!

It didn't take long for the clowning in NYC to take a serious turn. I'm hanging outside Madison Square and catch the commotion up the street and get details that the cops clapped the silver braclets on my girl Rosario Dawson (a shorty supreme, might I add). I'm organizing the homeys cuz we ain't taking it no more! How'd Rosario get checked into the Greybar Hotel and Off the Chaney is still walking around a free man? Only in New York, y'all. Until her court appearance, I'll float y'all a glossy to remember her by...

C'mon now, Sipowitz! She's even kickin' the I Love NY gear!! NYPD - shame, shame.

Y'all may be noticing I'm not doing too much reporting on the convention that's cuz every time I sneak in I stand out like a sore thumb and security hustles me out. A brother can't catch a break up in that piece. So I'm outside MSG mingling with the salt of the earth folks and getting my laugh on about those parents up in arms about that Fact's of Life shorty Blair who wrote about putting a dab of hot sauce on her crumb snatcher's tongue to teach him not swear or speak out of turn. I just had to laugh about that one cuz I'm sure the parents complaining are the same ones with overweight kids who never miss a chance to let them stuff more food in their faces. I can see the dilemma - who's going to force their kid to put up with a minute's worth of tongue stinging vs. a lifetime of ridicule and health problems? Good call, y'all!

I see the nominations for the Darwin Awards are getting started early this year. I understand the front runner is the homey who got drunk with his buddy and decided to drive home. The buddy gets sick, hangs his head out the window to call Earl and the driver swerves, clips a telephone pole support wire and decapitates his partner. Here's where the story gets interesting, y'all. Old boy drives home, goes into his crib (bloody clothes and all) and falls asleep! Meanwhile headless Henry is just chilling in the passenger seat until a passerby spots him and calls the police. That's what I call a true friend - kill my ass and then leave me in the car all dead and decapitated. That's cold, my man!

Alright, y'all. I'm gonna pass the cap to see if we can scramble up some bail money for Rosario. In the meantime, she'll be honored as old Tyrone's Shorty of the Week.



Friday, August 27, 2004

Women's Beach Volleyball : Awwww Yeah!

Wassup Y'all!

After watching the hot postgame celebration of those shorties Misty May and Kerri Walsh , Old Tyrone has come to the conclusion that there is no better spectator sport than Women's Beach Volleyball...

How's is showing that on broadcast TV even legal? Wooooo. If I was running the Pro Beach Volleyball circuit, that joint would have it's own deal with DirecTV - The PBV Sand Serve Ticket. Matter fact, I'd probably kick it up a notch like old boy Emeril and recruit some stone hotties like Selma Hayek and Serena Williams to play in celebrity tournaments - y'all feel me? No? Let me drop a couple glossies and let you imagine the possibilities. As my dog Emeril would say: BAM

Feel me now? Thought you might. What network in their right mind wouldn't pick up that gold mine? That way, there'd be a little something for everybody - the hard body fans and the Daaaaaaaaamn body fans (if y'all need a little schooling on the Daaaaamn rating, check out my previous post on Halle Berry). Whoever gave the thumbs up to those uniforms ought to get at least one of John Kerry's medals. And while I'm on topic - big ups to the women's soccer team on their gold medal effort. I understand that Brandi Chastain managed to keep her jersey on this time - that's why I didn't lead with soccer...just playin' y'all!

Well, the Ides of August are almost upon us and that means some skullduggery is about to jump off in NYC as GW and the boys move center stage. For the fellas down at Winkey's corner store that means check your wallet at the door and don't bet on that Three Card Monte they'll be playin' on stage. I'll be there covering it live y'all. The hoopty's all gassed up and chromed out. Don't be scurred to watch them on TV, they can't come through the screen like old girl from "The Ring". But be warned, like old girl said in the movie - "Everyone will suffer...". Oooo, think I just gave myself a chill. Didn't think that would happen until Dick "Off The" Chaney hit the stage...

Alright y'all - I'm out! I need to see when Misty and Kerri are headed to Chicago to play up at North Avenue Beach cuz I'm there cousin!



Tuesday, August 24, 2004

High Blood Pressure? Try some Black Eyed Peas

Wassup Y'all!

Miss me? Old Tyrone and the Winky's crew were taking time out to plan our Republican Convention protests. Seems NYC won't be too receptive to protesters so brothers have to be creative with their civil disobedience. With all the hatin' going on with the Elephants, you'd think that slimy sewer of hate goo from Ghostbusters II was really flowing through NYC's underground. I'm still waiting for them to drop their real madness - Kerry's unamerican, he had sex with a goat! - Kerry's not fit to lead, his Irish cousin's great grandfather was a black man! You know there's another shoe just waitin, y'all...

Anyway, I open the paper today and what do I spy with my little eye? 1 out of 3 Americans has high blood pressure and it's more pronounced among black folk. Somebody had to pay for that study? Shoot, I could have written that bad boy for free. Weak stock market (worried about the future), weak job market (worried about where next week's bread and medicine is coming from), John Kerry's weak campaign to date (just plain worried about another four years of GW and the mad bombers). As far as black folk go, man we've been jittery since the emancipation proclaimation. You got James Byrd Jr. dragged behind a pick up, Amadou Diallo reaching for a wallet and getting shot 41 times, Abner Louima's NYPD beatdown, and the hits go on. With the thought that you could get got at any moment, for any bogus reason - in 2004 - will get anybody's blood pressure percolatin'. These events not recent enough? Try Tennessee Republicans putting a racist on the ticket in the 8th congressional district. Can't wait to see James L. Hart's bumper sticker (with apologies to Taco Bell): Head for the border - unless you're Mighty Whitey!

Speaking of elephunk - man, I got a major jones going on for that magma hot shorty Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Now old girl is a certified way to get your blood pressure down and your temperature up.

I caught Miss Stacey Ferguson doing her thing at the recent Good Morning America Summer Concert Series at Bryant Park...and she was doing her thing, y'all! So it goes without saying who our Shorty of the Week is this week.

Now I know I promised y'all my take on this recent story of predicting the next President by checking out the amount of royal blood in their family trees and I will...just not tonight. Tonight I plan to break out my iPod and toast this week's shorty with a bassed out thump-thumper of 'Hey Mama'.

Back in a minute, y'all!



Monday, August 16, 2004

Puerto Rican Smack Down

Wassup Y'all!

See? Don't eat your Wheaties this is what happens. Ooooo - Dr. Naismith has got to be break dancing in bone box over this one. (Scream) Team USA (which happens to represent the country that invented basketball) got a well deserved beat down and exposed why being able to play fundamental basketball is a lost art in the raggedy US game. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, Shaq, KG, Kobe could have helped the cause, but come on, y'all. How fundamental is your game if you roll in from high school or one year of college ball?... No pure shooters, lackadaisical ball handling skill and all about trying to school somebody off the dribble. Yo homeys - take that yak back to Rucker Park (along with that San Juan whuppin' the Puerto Rican team laid on that a**). Shoot, why not step back and let Jenny from the block and Rosie Perez roll down the lane too? Shame, shame.

In happier news - old girl Sanaa Lathan pulled in some big weekend numbers in Alien vs. Predator. No surprise - about $32 million of the $38+ million came from my repeat business (keep it to yourself - I don't need to hear from my moms talking about another bump in the basement rent - besides y'all seen the news - GW's tax cuts have shifted the tax burden to my broke lower middle class butt. GW! Feel free to kick a brother when he's down). But I digress -- ain't nobody dropping duckets to see those two butt ugly aliens, the fellas are rolling in to peek prime shorty Sanaa. As far as I can tell she doesn't have any new flicks cued up so the pic below will have to hold you fellas for a few.

More in a minute as I'm digesting the latest on this crazy notion that US Presidential elections can be determined by the amount of royal blood that can be traced back to each candidate's ancestors. What??!

Also - where the heck it Chris Tucker hiding? Old boy needs to come back out of hiding to spare us anymore of that Shawn & Marlon Wayans nonsense. Who ever told those fools they were funny? Word on the street is old mother Tucker will be back with Rush Hour 3 next year, but what ever happened to that joint where he was going to star as the first black President? Come back, Chris!

I'm out. Think there's one last last showing tonight of AvP!



Saturday, August 14, 2004

Tiger Slump? Blame the Elin Effect

Wassup Y'all!

I know, I know. Ease up off Tiger Woods, our Caublinasian brother. I don't know y'all I got to say my piece on this joint and if Tiger can have a Tiger Slam, the brother can have a Tiger Slump. Just like the Tiger Slam wasn't an official grand slam, the Tiger Slump isn't an official slump, especially when his 'slump' would still be a career year for the lower echelon tour players. I submit that the slump is a direct consequence of the Elin effect, as in Swedish nanny, hottie fiance - Elin Nordegren. I submit the following picture for your inspection...

Now come on, y'all! Who can spend hours practicing golf when in the back of your mind you know you've got this waiting for you back at the crib? Our boy Tiger's only human. But y'all know I always go beyond the story and y'all know there's got to be more to it than a case of romantic jungle fever (or reservation fever or Thai kitchen fever or ...). Perhaps y'all forgot about that little food poisoning story that flew under the radar last year as Tiger was crushing folks at the Bay Hill Invitational. It seems Elin pulled a quick Lucretia Borgia and slipped Tigro a plate of pasta that gave him food poisoning and had him callin' EARL (no not his daddy - y'all know what I'm talking about). See, I'm saying old girl is stealing the brother's mojo. According to my undercover FL contact Lil Punch, the pasta play was unintentional - old girl actually meant to only slip in a little bit of salmonella, just enough to have Tigro pootin' through the Bay Hill tournament and get him off his game. Since that time, I suspect she's been slippin' him all kinds of mickeys as part of a vast, right wing conspiracy to replace him as the #1 golfer with Philly Phil Mickelson. What else could explain Tigro's inexplicable nose dive since the days of the jaw dropping Tiger Slam?

Tiger, brother, find you a girl who can cook man! Check out Thursday's blog, my brother, there's a fine shorty who's back on the market who I'm sure would welcome a call...

My work here is done. I'm out, y'all!



Thursday, August 12, 2004

Say It Ain't So Rick!

Wassup, Y'all!

Looks like old Tyrone will be doing more in NYC this month than covering the Republican Convention. Duty calls, y'all. The Malone phone was blowing up all yesterday with the news that Rick Fox, former Laker thug, has dropped divorce papers on Vanessa Williams. 'Nessa? Oh hell no! Don't worry baby - Tyrone's on the way with some of that south side snuggle to get you over this rough patch. The hoopty's all gased up, boo. I'll be right there...

Dang Rick, let me move your greasy behind into my Big Dummy file along with Eric Benet and Ike Turner. See now y'all know why sisters be burning our clothes in the back seat of our cars. Don't front Rick! The Enquirer peeped your ass engaging in all kinds of clownin'. You don't get any more journalistically solid than the National Enquirer, homeboy. Shame, shame. Actually y'all, I've been doing my own digging and the real skinny is even more shocking. My inside Laker contact Gin Fizz tightened me up with the Epson glossy you see here.

That's right, y'all! It was Phil Jackson in the conservatory with the candle stick! Apparently, Phil and Sly Fox have been kicking it together since the beginning of last season. You heard it here y'all - Rick's been on the Down Low. If y'all readers don't know what the Down Low is either fall through Winky's corner store when you're in Chicago or peep brother J.L King's book.

Woooo - looks like the Detroit Bad Boys exposed more than just the Lakers' weak game. Don't worry 'Nessa, I got the right stuff and I definitely saved my best for last. Just to cheer you up a little bit until I can get to you, I've designated you the official Tyrone Malone Shorty of The Week. That should give you that Miss American vibe all over again. Here's a free taste so brothers can compare 'Nessa to Phil and see if Rick made the right move or not. I'm leaning toward no...

A couple other insights before I close - to Mr. Donald Lucey, the British travel operator who's planning to sponsor a travel package to Iraq in September for ten willing participants -- didn't I tell you to stay away from that west side crack? Matter o' fact, I don't even think the west side homeys mix enough chemicals in their brew to warrant that kind of foolishness. However, if persist you must, I can point you to a few folks to add to your travel party, like GW, C-Rice, Rum Shot, Off The Chaney, Uncle Clarence and a couple others. We'll keep Colin stateside for now and see if we can get him into detox and back into shape...

Quick Crack on Mac: Word on the street is that John McEnroe's new talk show on CNBC pulled in a robust 0.0 rating (twice!!) Dude, if I'm not mistaken that's the same market share I pulled in last night and I don't even have a show. Perhaps a new career is in order. (John: I'm not hatin' man, I'm just sayin'). No hard feelings, J-Mac. You're a welcome guest on this blog anytime you're in Chicago!

Don't forget y'all Alien vs. Predator drops tomorrow so go out and support my girl Sanaa Lathan! Old girl was going to be my Shorty of The Week this week, but this recent Sly Fox revelation warrented a script flip.

Alright, I'm out. If I pull out now, I can be in upstate New York in about twelve hours - thirteen if I include a quick side trip to pick up a few Radio Shack trinkets for my boo 'Nessa.



Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Wanted: Creative Rappers

Wassup, Y'all!

First - bad news.... My Halle Berry "Be My Boo" job application was denied again. That's three strikes for old Tyrone, y'all so I guess it's time to move on. So let me just pull out my list and pencil her name off and see who's next...well what do you know? Sanaa Lathan! And just in time too since her new movie Alien vs. Predator is about to drop. Look for me escorting her down the red carpet at the next Oscar's y'all. I got a feeling about this one!...

Okay - now on to the main point of today's blog. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of hip hop and 106 & Park and what not, but y'all I'm telling you, I had my little niece up in the hoopty the other day and I'm piping my iPod through my banging Nakamichi amplifier and trunk mounted Nakamichi speaker array and found myself with a dilemma. Is there a way to separate the banging beat from those foul lyrics? See I'm already hip to that game of dropping some duckets for a hot single only to see the hotter remix come out about a month later. Y'all also think you're slick with offering both an 'explicit' and 'clean' version (with more skips in it than a Sprint cell call in mid-town Manhatten at lunch time) of your cuts. When you get done slicin' and dicin', y'all rappers can make about a G note from one sharp cut. I say it's time to give back to community.

Here's what you do:

Issue one version of your cut - this should in all cases be an extended remix of your jam.

Next, be creative and substitute some valid words for all those foul lyrics. Here's a little starter kit from your boy Tyrone. Drop ni**er/ni*ga and use 'brother/brotha'. Drop bi*ch and use 'sister'. Drop 'ho' altogether although 'doe' would work in a pinch. Drop sh*t and use 'stuff' or 'sheet' if you want to be edgy. Drop F*ck and use 'tap' unless it's intended in a non-sexual way, in that case use 'forget'. Instead of 'smoke weed every day', try 'just read every day'. See y'all - it's not that hard. Consider it a public service to all the players out there who are trying to jam in their hoopties and drive their little nieces around. This way we can keep out hands on the hydraulic switches instead of the pause or song skip button. Hook a brother up!

Finally, I tightened up a new hot link for y'all. The Boondocks is now available for perusing so you can get your laugh on. Those little roughnecks are a trip!

I'm out! Got to got snap a few glossies to paperclip to my Sanaa Lathan "Be My Boo" job application and pick up a new bottle of Burberry Cologne to scent my envelope. Yes, yes, y'all - old Tyrone is going all out this time - I'll let you know how it goes.



Sunday, August 08, 2004

How do you spell 'Carpetbagger'?

Wassup, Y'all!

That would be K-E-Y-E-S for those takin' the test. Yes, yes, y'all. Maryland resident and new GOP 'go to' guy, Alan 'Skeleton' Keyes has made it official. He'll be Barack Obama's opponent for the vacant Illinois Senate seat. Can't say the debates won't be erudite entertainment (for you brothers down a Winky's corner store, that's how Hah Vahd brothers say 'knowlegeable')...

Can the world stand two Harvard educated brothers going toe to toe?

Can the United States Senate survive a fifth black senator since the U.S. Senate has been open for business, y'all? What's that work out to? Lemme see now, congress has been in business since 1789, it's 2004, hmmm, take away 1, okay 215 years since the first gavel fell, now divide the number of years by Senate term which is 6 and round up to get 36 possible times a black person could get elected to the Senate. Now divide the number of actual black folks that have been elected (including the one coming in from Illinois barring assassination prior to seating...) by the number of sessions a black person could have been elected and we get 0.14... And there you have it, y'all. 0.14 black folks elected to the US Senate per term since the opening gavel in 1789. I vote we establish 0.14 as the official United States That's A Damn Shame ratio. I was feeling kinda put out by that ratio until I crunched the Hispanic and Native American (who ran the joint before we did) numbers. Trust me y'all - you don't want to know...

Anyway, get out your Webster's y'all. When Skeleton Keyes hits the podium you're gonna need some fast fingers. (Alan: Man, I'm not hatin', I'm just sayin' - I saw you in the '96 and '00 debates. How do you think I learned the word 'erudite'?)

Alright, I'm gonna hop off Skeleton for a minute (plenty of time to hop back on in the days to come) although I did see Smooth Barark drop his appropriate quote about the clownin' going on. When asked about the choice of Skeleton to represent the right, he said it was:

"a hopeful sign for the country"
- Smooth Barack

Hmmmm, he must have peeped my That's A Damn Shame ratio...

In other news, I was rolling in the hoopty with my home slice Tater Tot and bumped up on Nelly's new slow jam "My Place". Nelly seems to have found the formula for hip-hop slow jams. It's a good follow up to that 'Dilemma' joint he cut with Kelly Rowland (that slim goody shorty from Destiny's Child). Me and Tot were vibing on the hook - big ups to Jahiem - but we were both like - What's up, Nelly? Kelly Rowland to Jaheim??? Man, y'all know Jahiem be hanging with Flava Flav, Lil Jon, Petey Pablo, Jodeci and Anthony Mason in the 'FMFR Club' (face made for radio). Shoot - Tot should probably be up in that joint too, but I digress... (Jahiem: Man, I'm not hatin', I'm just sayin'...) Anyway - shout out to Nelly: Dude, I appreciate you sharing the love with the other brothers, but come on, now! Let's tilt back toward the shorties - brothers just can't get into a slow jam thinking about you and Jahiem. Ya heard me?

I'm out y'all. It's Sunday night and I got a few job interviews to hit in the morning. Word on the street is that Halle hasn't made her mind up yet(contrary to those tabloid rumors of a hook up with that buster Michael Ealy), so I'm submitting my paperwork for consideration...again. I'll let you know how that goes.