Monday, June 30, 2008

Erykah Badu cleans up pretty well

Wassup, Y'all!

Long time fans of The Urban Eye will know that Ms. Erykah Badu holds a fond place in ol Ty's heart. Rumor has it that she was the primary inspiration for my new identity when I decide to give up my slave name. That's partly spelled out in my old a$$ podcast (a format which I need to return too when I'm able to manufacture a couple more hours in the day).

Anyway, word has reached the basement that E-Bad has somehow managed to trick a perfume maker into using her as the face of their newest fragrance called White Patchouli. I have to admit I never saw this one coming, y'all. A fragrance called, 'Nappy Girl'? Ol girl is all over it. 'Space Cadet Pour Femme'? Yep. But White Patchouli??? What the hell is a White Patchouli anyway? Sounds like an ingredient that Remy the Rat would use in his Ratatouille, but what do I know? I'm still dabbin' on Old Spice before get my shake on at the clizzub these days.

Still, had I been in the 'concept' room when folks were tryin' to match a fragrance to a personality such as Ms. Badu's, y'all know I would have gone with my original thought that I broke down back in January. The CEO would be in the room, hands would be all sweaty as the clock ticked down and all eyz would turn to Ty to see what genius he would throw out there. To which, I would pull the cover off the glossy on the left and announce like Eddie Murphy and Robin Givens in 'Boomerang' - , 'Ladies and Gentleman I give you the newest fragrance in our line - 'Fearless Fly'! True genius can't be taught, y'all.



Friday, June 27, 2008

Shaq & Kobe: Love NBA Style

Wassup, Y'all!

Daaaaang! First - sorry for being MIA the last couple days, y'all. The man's had ol Ty on blast - a necessary evil since I still have to pay mama rent the first of every month.

In the meantime though, I've been following the latest Shaq/Kobe dust up with interest. The blogosphere is still buzzin' over Shaq's now infamous 'freestyle' diss rap of Kobe which inferred that Kobe can't win another ring without Shaq and that during their happier days in LA, Kobe used to toss Shaq's salad. Can there possible be a more distasteful mental image that that? The Shaq / Kobe deal has gotten messier than the Charley Sheen / Denise Richards break up (okay, maybe not that bad). The good news is that Shaq's new rap does have a catchy hook to it...

Now that the video is in wide rotation around the southside, I'm sure even the little troopers will be walkin' 'round the streets talkin' 'bout, 'Kobe - tell me how my a$$ taste!'. I'm not sayin', y'all. I'm just sayin'. If I didn't put that out there someone else would cuz everybody knows the hook of a rap is what sticks with you and Shaq dropped that one in about six or seven times so that's what I walked away with.

Clearly Shaq's still bitter about Kobe bustin' him out when he got caught up in Colorado. The fact of the matter is that ol Ty broke the news about the 'Shaq Effect' on Kobe's career back in '05 and the 'Kobe Effect' on Shaq's marriage, which is why y'all keep comin' back. Hard hittin' investigative journalism. It's too funny now that the rap community is takin' sides based on the fact that neither Shaq nor Kobe can wrap fish let alone rap rhymes. They're what the pioneer rappers used to call 'Crab Rappers' - wannabes with unoriginal skillz. How's Shaq even gonna try and put it out there that was a 'freestyle' rap? That brother ain't no Wayne Brady. Now Alphonso? That's a brother that can freestyle any concept at any time.

Of course, there is no effect with a cause and the most recent effect for Shaq's shenanigans is the revocation of both his Arizona and Virginia special deputy sheriff badges. That's a straight shame since Shaq did some good work with both of those units and has a fond affinity for law enforcement, but in the days of hyper political correctness that was pretty much to be expected. I'm expectin' Shaq to come back in a day or two with a new rap that uses that 'We don't need no stinkin' badges' phrase as his new hook.

No word of response yet from Kobe. Word is that established rappers may help him put together a response rap which is the obligatory counterpunch when the gauntlet gets thrown down in a rap beef. What we have here though is kinda like some quasi NBA, rap, school-yard, corner block beef. I'm thinkin' these two just need to hit the playground, throw some dirt in each others eyes and do that little screaming arms flailing thing that pretty shortys do when they want to fight but not get their hair or clothes messed up. I don't think the world would survive another Kobe Bryant rap effort.

Still, despite all that, y'all - we're left with an epic hook that will be uttered until the curtain closes on Kobe's NBA career. Everybody! Kobe, tell me how my a$$ taste. Kobe, tell me how...



Tuesday, June 24, 2008

'Chelle Obama Makin' 'Rack Fashion' Look Good

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, I cracked up today when I started readin' about how the dress that 'Chelle wore on The View last week (time tip - you can either hit that last link to watch the whole show if you haven't seen it yet or catch the commentary on it from this very good live blog of the show) is 'flyin' of the racks. You shortys are a trip with that but I have to admit that 'Chelle seems to be uppin' the game when it comes to puttin' the hurtin' on fly fashions. My boy D-Splash over on The Dark Stuff was the first I saw to type up the sentiment that if Smooth seals the deal, that there's going to be a new era in First Ladyship, literally and figuratively.

Apparently, in contrast to many shortys under the glare of spotlights, 'Chelle choose to wear a nice black and white summer dress designed by New York designer Donna Ricco. The joint sells for $99 on her website and 'Chelle picked her joint up for $149 at the White House Black Market store for $50 more. First, I guess there's a reason why the phrase 'Black Market' is in that store title. What's up with the extra fiddy markup? Second, I guess 'Chelle is tryin' to send a message by shoppin at a joint with 'White House' in the title. And third, man talk about a happy circumstance for Don-Ric. Since the show the dress has been sellin' out of the White House Black Market stores and she's tryin' to fill an order for 3,000 more...

It also seems that the fashion fun hasn't been just contained to the shorty side of the Obama household. Donatella Versace has dropped her Spring-Summer '09 collection in Milan which she says is inspired by (more likely dedicated to since I'm not seeing anything in the line that Smooth could wear on the southside) Smooth. Donatella says her new line (which I'm callin' Spring/Summer Smoothwear) is designed for "a relaxed man who doesn't need to flex muscles to show he has power." You know it won't be more than a Chicago minute before the homeys are hawkin' Smoothwear knockoffs on southside. Of course there's one Smooth look we can do a little less of - that Urkel inspired summer biking outfit. Errbody knows you don't go bikin' with a polo tucked in. It's just not done on the southside. You also never leave the crib without some spinnin' rims on your two-wheeler. Dang, Smooth! But since Smooth's my boy, ol Ty can forgive his occasional fashion faux pas.

In the meantime, I'm tryin' to get mama's old sewin' machine workin' since I have a couple dress design thoughts that I plan to run by 'Chelle when she gets back to Chicago. One's a little leather number with a tasteful side slit and the other is a low cut lemon chiffon cotton frock that just says fun and sassy. I'll let y'all know how it goes after my people reach out to her people.



Monday, June 23, 2008

Naomi Campbell: God Don't Like Ugly

Wassup, Y'all!

You have to wonder what it is with this chick. In the wake of news of her recent 200 hour community service charge and accompanying $4,600 fine for assaulting two police officers ol Ty is wonderin' how this serial abuser continues to avoid actual jail time for her bad girl behavior? I don't think a month has gone by without some story about this Diva Di-vah goin' ballistic on someone...hotel staff, domestic staff, handlers, makeup staff, her mama, pre-school kidz - y'all get the picture.

Her most recent dustup involved lost luggage and an obligatory racism claim designed to deflect attention away from abusive behavior dished out by a pampered woman with anger management issues and no self control. According to court testimony, when informed of her missing bag (by the airline captain himself) Nightstick Naomi,"... became enraged and issued orders to someone on her mobile: "They have lost my fucking bags, get me another flight, get the press, get me my lawyer." She then turned to the captain and barked: "Bring me my fucking bags now!"

According to Nightstick, "I was called a racial name on that [British Airways] flight". Since when does 'spoiled bit#h' constitute a racial slur? Yes, it's a little tacky, but if the shoe fits... And strangely, the victims assaulted didn't even work for British Airways. They were airport PoPos just tryin' to escort her scene makin' a$$ off the flight.

I can understand a legal system handing out these types of community service gigs to serial drug abusers since that's a 'victim-less crime', but Nightstick's shenanigans always involved her clockin' someone else either with her hands or the nearest throwable object. Yes, she's once, twice, three times a felon, y'all. Ol girl needs to do a little prancin' down the catwalk in HMP Belmarsh down in south-east London. I know that's a men's facility, y'all but clearly Nightstick knows how to handle herself.

It's time for some tough love for ol girl cuz it's all funny until she puts someone eye out. Her bud has passed the nippin' stage.



Friday, June 20, 2008

MA Baby Mama Drama

Wassup, Y'all!

Under the gun today to get a few things off my 'to do' plate so no official post today. Mama's been on me to get the gutters cleaned out and do a little yard work to justify my continued spot in the basement. She calls it 'responsibility'. Ol Ty calls it 'extortion', but whatever.

If I were postin' today, tho you know I'd have to jump all over that madness going on in MA where those 17 teenage girls made a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. All under 16. Damn. Hard to tell what the heck that's about but I find it odd that Britney Spears' little sis *just* had her baby. Pregnant at 16, mama at 17. Coincidence or a thing that makes you go 'Hmmmm....'

Have a good weekend, y'all!



Thursday, June 19, 2008

Tiger Done for '08 - Ty Accepts Blame

Wassup, Y'all!

My fault! No sooner does ol Ty jinx Tiger Woods by writing about his insane earning power than the brother breaks the news that he's shuttin' it down...for the rest of the season! No Tiger for the rest of '08 - no British Open, no PGA Championship, no Ryder Cup, no Fedex title. Essentially for the PGA that means no golf audience outside of the same hardcore crew that watched it before Tiger stepped inside the ropes 13 years ago and made it must see TV.

Now as TV network executives and PGA tour officials head for the ledges outside the windows of their plush corner offices, much is being made of the fabled 'Tiger Effect' - the economic engine driven solely by his Tigerness that affects the cheddar of TV networks, PGA tour sponsors, PGA tour purses, caddy lifestyles, yada, yada, yada. In layman's terms, he's the PGA's Golden Goose and now that he's on the shelf for a few, the PGA's gonna get a long hard look at what life will be like AT - After Tiger...

Welcome to the Ghost of Christmas Future, golf fans. It's gonna be pretty vanilla shake regular for a while and you'll need to get out your retro PGA score cards out as other names 'emerge' for the networks to rally behind. They will no doubt pull out all the stops to concoct 'compelling stories' about other Top 10 players in a transparent effort to attract viewers to their dry broadcasts. Get ready to hear a lot about 'Lefty' Phil Mickelson, 'Dour' Vijay Singh, 'Awesome Aussie' Adam Scott and 'Brash' Sergio Garcia - a collection of guys who have benefited greatly from the rapid expansion of PGA Tour purses since Tiger went pro.

The tour players have to be cheering this news as it's the best of both worlds for them. Tiger's out of the way so they now have their best chances of winning the most prestigious tournaments, but Tiger will be back so tour purses will remain at their current insane levels or continue to increase as anticipation builds for Tiger's return. Sergio Garcia already started this trend when he thanked Tiger for not being there the week he won the Player's Championship. Ol Ty has to believe that, ironically, the level of competition will go up now that these guys see a chance to fill the vacuum, win some tournaments and increase their endorsement potential.

Meanwhile, don't cry too much for Tiger. That brother will be back and if not? He has $800 million, a mansion, a yacht, a private jet, a beautiful daughter, a Swedish model wife and his final win was epic (not necessarily in that order, y'all). Who y'all need to be cryin' for is his caddy Steve Williams. Just yesterday ol Ty was fiendin' for his job. Today? Hell, I'm still fiendin' for it.

Caddies normally earn about 10% of the purses won by the players they caddy for so that means that this year he'll have to make due with a little less than $600,000 vs. the little more than $1 million he earned last year. Caddying. Damn. And that's just up front money. Now that Tiger's laid up, you have to know the cars and jet won't go to waste (I'm figurin' that Tiger will do most of his rehab on his yacht in the Caribbean...).

Alls I know, y'all is that Stevie better watch his back when ol Ty's in town cuz I'm not above pullin' a Tanya Harding on him with a 9-iron when he's not lookin'. A brother's gotta eat you know.



Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Tiger Woods - The Human Cash Register

Wassup, Y'all!

I was lunchin' with my boy Cat Daddy on Monday and between bites of Chicken Gyros over at Nicky's our attention was glued to one of the four TVs in the joint. Most times we're in there checkin' out CNN to see what Smooth is up to, but that day we were watchin' Tiger Woods battle it out with Rocco Mediate for the U.S. Open title.

Can't say that Tiger doesn't add drama to a golf tournament. If you ask me, anyone who can hit the type of shots he hits every time he needs to can also do a little sandbagging to make the outcome look a little more in doubt to jack up the drama and, in the end, enhance the legend. Break out a little limp here, drop a stroke or two there and pull it all back together just in the nick of time. I know that's a jaded view but sometimes his ruckus just looks too much like a movie script.

So while we're saltin' down some fries (which neither of us are supposed to be eatin') I tell Cat Daddy that I caught the Sports Illustrated 2008 Fortunate 50 list which features the 50 top paid American athletes. 'Tiger on top?', he asked. I nod yes and then tell ol boy how much he's made to date in career earnings (golf money and endorsement money) since he went pro 13 years ago. Cat Daddy's lucky to be alive the way he choked on his fries and all...

For those keepin' score and lookin' for an additional address to beg for money if you've already been turned down by Warren Buffet, Bill Gates and Oprah, in 13 years as a pro Tiger has clocked almost $800 million dollars. No misprint, y'all. $800 million. A few years after he started career, I believe it was also Sports Illustrated that predicted that he would become sports first $1 billion dollar athlete - a threshold he's expected to pass in a couple years if his balky knee holds up. Damn. $1 billion dollars...playing golf. Ol Ty's been shakin' his head since he peeped the article.

It's interesting to note that #2 on that list was buster Phil Mickelson who clocked roughly $62 million since last year (well behind Tiger's $127 million). Me and Cat Daddy choked on that one too. Phil Mickelson!? Man, golf is the only sport where you can carve out a lucrative career and not even win consistently. For instance take Zack Johnson. According to, Ol boy's played 15 tournaments this year, made 12 cuts, finished in the Top 10 once out of those 12 cuts and still clocked more than $500 thousand. Damn. Only in America.

Newly minted Celtic champs Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen made the list at numbers #8 ($31 million), #34 ($17.8 million) and #38 ($16.7 million) respectively. Seems like PP will be due a bump in his 'meager' salary since he's now the reigning Finals MVP. He needs a little bit extra anyway for real actin' lessons since that tomfoolery he pulled with gettin' carried off the court and pushed to the locker room in a wheelchair only to return 20 seconds later bouncing out of the tunnel was grade school caliber at best.

Yeah, I'm hatin' - I'll admit it. Just going through that list will turn a homey green as the Incredible Hulk and also produce many other choke-worthy moments as you come across small timers like Rashard Lewis (#39 - $16.6 million) and Elton Brand (#47 - $15.8 million). Still, I got to believe that the best job in all of sports has got to be caddying for Tiger. You get access to the mansion, yacht and private jet. You also get to travel the world and get a ring side seat at history and never swing a club, never have your nerves tested and rarely get scrutinized by the press. That's straight butter, baby.



Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Obama, Cosby and Affirmative Action

Wassup, Y'all!

Along with energizing the country (how much of it we shall soon see) with his new jack brand of politics, Smooth Barack has energized the debate about a few issues near and dear to the hearts of southsiders, namely Affirmative Action and just exactly who has the 'right' to be called black (or a southsider in basement terminology).

I read an interesting article about Affirmative Action on the Wall Street Journal's online site with the innocent looking title, 'Fair Enough?'. The subtitle is what really caught my eye - 'Barack Obama's Rise has Americans Debating Whether Affirmative Action Has Run It's Course'. It seems Smooth's recent political success has also become another pebble on the scale on the side of 'Southsiders have arrived. The playing field is level. They don't need any more help than anybody else.' Of course ol Ty contends opponent's of Affirmative Action were already saying this back in '61 when President Kennedy first rolled it out - that's beside the point. My point is that because of who Smooth Barack is he's already found that, like the man in Aesop's fable 'The Man, The Boy and The Donkey', if you try to please everyone, you'll end up pleasing no one...

As I've said before - affirmative action in its current form should be reworked to include all people from disadvantaged backgrounds no matter their persuasion. If that segment includes more southsiders or westsiders (Hispanics) or eastsiders (Asians) or even northsiders (whites) so be it. I'm all for giving folks a hand up to help check that generational privilege that can occur among the wealthy. However, Smooth's dilemma with affirmative action as well as most 'black issues' is that he has to walk a fine line between seeming to 'care too much' about issues effecting southsiders (for fear of alienating northside voters, particularly those rural, bitter, gun clingers) vs. caring too little and alienating a voting bloc that, in no small part, helped him clinch the democratic nomination.

Don't get it twisted, now that the choice is between Citizen McCain and Smooth Barack, there's little he can do lose the southside vote short of showing up at the convention in a Klan robe, but there's a fairly large segment within the southside nation who feel that Smooth's not even black. After all he is 50% white but since the One Drop Rule only works downhill, Smooth is always referred to as a southsider instead of a northsider. Funny how completely old school racial that is, yet the false sentiment is growing that race no longer matters - after all look at Smooth! What a fine young negro! To be honest, the most surprised folks in the room that Smooth managed to be in line for the democratic nomination for President of the United States aren't northsiders (or the rest of the world for that matter). No it was southsiders. By a mile. We're still pickin' ourselves up off the floor on that one. And let Smooth win in the fall. You'll see southsiders fallin' out like those folks in 'The Happening'. I promise you.

So when Smooth busted out like Bill Cosby on Father's Day callin' our large number of absent fathers to task, he may have gotten a standing ovation from northsiders or middle class southsiders but elsewhere in the southside nation, that was affirmation that Smooth is a straight 'Uncle Tom', which is about the most foul curse you can utter to your fellow southsider since it means that you're willing to sell out your race for personal gain. But let Smooth come out and advocate for an issue near and dear to southside hearts like affirmative action and you'll hear them cheer the brother while northsiders recoil angrily and say, 'See? Didn't I tell you about this guy? He's all about the blacks. Next thing you know they'll be running the country (an ironic statement given the current circumstances, but I digress...).

No other candidate has to walk such a fine line. If Citizen McCain advocates policies that largely benefit northsiders, nary an eyelash will be batted since that's been the way of the country since Jamestown. Should Smooth try to do so with southsiders, he does so at his political peril. Up to this point, I have to give the brother credit - he's been walkin' that tightrope better than those Flying Wallendas.

Given the massive challenges that will be dropped at the next president's feet and the additional previously mentioned burdens that only a southside president would have to deal with, my boyz and I have questioned why anyone would want that job right now? I have to believe that Smooth believes in what he's talkin' about - unifying the country and turning the page. I still can't see anyone else so uniquely qualified to do so and I have to give the brother supreme dap for even steppin' up to try.



Monday, June 16, 2008

R. Kelly - Was there any doubt?

Wassup, Y'all!

You had to know. When the verdict came down the only unsurprised brother in the room was Ol Ty. Despite a video tape, eye witness testimony from the third wheel in a three-way with Kells and the girl in question, and an incriminatin' Boondocks episode, Kells got the verdict he paid for and is headed back to the Chocolate Factory with is duffle bag of homemade porn a free man - acquitted on all counts. Welcome to the remix.

We've been here before, OJ, MJ and now Kells. I have to ask the question - what is the purpose of video? It seems that lawyers have now become too good at tellin' jurors not to believe their eyes. The Rodney King video? The defense lawyer was all like, 'look closely ladies and gentlemen - most of those blows aren't even landing on Mr. King...'. Now with the Kells video they stuck to their story that it wasn't even him on the tape, though pretty much all my homeys who caught the bootleg copy said it was. What more proof is needed than the word of all my homeys? You know the case never had a chance when even one of the northside male jurors came out and said it wasn't him on the tape. Dang, a little bit of money goes a loooong way...

Ol Ty can tell you straight up where the prosecution went wrong - they needed that team from CSI on the case. You know that crew would have been usin' ultraviolet light on the ceiling of the apartment below the one where the alleged pee spray took place to find some residual uric acid, which they would have taken to the lab, time dated to 2002 based on its aging effect on the ceiling drywall and extracted DNA from both Kells *and* the alleged 13-year old victim to crack the case. See that's how it works on TV, y'all. Works all the time. In real life - not so much. That's where cheddar, celebrity and high power lawyers can turn a prosecution's open and shut case into a room full of jurors with a contagious case of the reasonable doubts.

Truthfully there was something unseemly about all the southside shortys outside of the courthouse everyday jockin' each other to get a closer perch in order to spot Kells and scream like the straight chicken-heads they were. Most of them probably would have given their eye teeth to have been the alleged shorty in the video - pee and all and how damn sad is that? I caught a brief interview with one such shorty who said she felt bad seeing Kells roll into the courthouse everyday with his head down and she would always shout over to him, 'Keep ya head up!' Well, apparently given the verdict, Kells had nothing to keep his head down for. Only in America.



Friday, June 13, 2008

The Whitey Tape is real!

Wassup, Y'all!

That's right, y'all I've seen the infamous Whitey tape. Matter of fact there's more than one and I've been checkin' those joints out on TVLand since the story broke on the Internet. Seek and ye shall find - that's what ol Ty always says. And Whitey's backstory? Man, it's sad, y'all. Real sad. Whitey's life started out okay, but eventually Whitey turned to drugs and became a junkie. Later in life, with Whitey's body weakened from a hepatitis C infection, he went into a coma and was finally removed from life support in September '03 after undergoing hernia surgery. That, basement dwellers, is the sad saga of ol Whitey.

Note that nowhere in that description did the name 'Chelle Obama ever come up and I know that's a problem for that large number of numbskulls who'll believe anything they see that attempts to damage a person that they can't stand. It's sad that anyone has to put together a website to refute such jibber-jabber. Sadder still that despite doing so, it won't make a difference for those mental midgets - hold up - that's wrong to even associate those fools with my little people homeys - who will be going to their graves clinging to these myths. What's most sad though is the proven fact that if you don't come out and address even the most outrageous lie, it will catch fire, people will begin believing it and next thing you know, you've lost an election because of it. That's a powerful phenomenon which to ol Ty seems to encourage folks to just throw out any old kind of bull$*&t to see if it can cause a ruckus....

How'd we even get to this point where someone can say anything and it becomes the truth? Losing an election because of it is jacked up but it pales in comparison to losing your life. It's the easiest thing for a student who doesn't like a teacher to say the teacher fondled him or her. It's her word against his and a situation that can quickly lead to loss of job, reputation, family and, in some cases, your life.

Try being a southside homey in the Jim Crow south back in the day. Any northside shorty could say a homey looked at her the wrong way, spoke to her out of school, touched her, raped her, whatever. The end result. Homey would be strange fruit down by the river before the sun went down. Now in the Internet age all it takes is a knucklehead with a laptop, a public library Wi-Fi connection and an aspiration to be irresponsible to start a firestorm.

Thankfully there are sites you can go to to get the straight skinny. As I mentioned before, you can always go to a candidate's website to check facts. You can also go to an independent operators like (politics) or (every crazy thing you've ever heard) to get unbiased actual factuals. Wherever you go, just go -BEFORE you take any third-party info you receive as the gospel and definitely before you hit the 'send' button to forward it on to everyone you know. Crow leaves a bitter aftertaste, y'all.

Rest In Peace, Whitey.



Thursday, June 12, 2008

Ty's Fly 500

Wassup, Y'all!

Big day today, y'all so ol Ty is goin' a little personal (since just like T.O. 'I love me some me'). Yesterday, I crossed the 500 post mark, just one month short of four years in the bloggin' biz. That anniversary drops July 22nd and, yes, I will be acceptin' cards, cash and letters addressed to the basement. I know some bloggers out there will be all like '500 posts in four years? Dude, I put out 500 posts every four months! Get out of the passin' lane, Grandpa'. Yes, it's true that a lot of blogger crank out more posts (and a lot of bloggers crank out a lot less) but ol Ty has always preferred quality over quantity and the tortoise approach of slow and steady. From my first post to this one, a couple things have remained oddly consistent...

The first thing is my appreciation of politics. A few of my more recent readers will think that's all I'm about since I've been laying it on hot and heavy but you'll notice that my early posts reveal that I'm not a Tyrone Come Lately when it comes to Smooth Barack. I've been jockin' homey since he was runnin' for the Senate and no one knew who he was until the 2004 Democratic Convention. Smooth's my boy and I fully expect a laptop in the West Wing basement when he brings it home in November.

If you sift through some of those early posts you'll also discover that I was all about objectifyin' the foine shortys out there. That approach was leveragin' the time proven axiom that 'Sex Sells'. Truthfully I wasn't even thinkin' that deep - I just liked lookin' at the foine shortys. I still do but I've toned that ruckus down to out of respect for my shorty readers out there who would be within their rights to demand equal opportunity under the law and I just couldn't handle postin' on some half clothed homeys. That's just wrong - though I did do it on one occasion (but you see I couldn't help but cut that post with a little shorty hotness. Hey, I never said ol Ty wasn't triflin'...) . I'm still trying to wash my laptop off of that one. Yeah, I'm on the Objectifyin' Wagon though sometimes I still fall off...

Though my post themes invariably come back to politics by way of Smooth, ol Ty is most proud of the wide variety of topics he's touched on over the years. Funny stuff, deep stuff, political stuff, entertainment, sports, technology - search and ye shall find. Ol Ty's not a one trick pony, y'all. His game is deep. So from time to time when a brother finds it hard to pull his rusty butt out of bed and drop a post, y'all can always keep yourselves company by hitting the archives (right sidebar) and dishin' up a little self-serve. I'm sure there's something there you haven't read yet and y'all already recognize that my stuff stays fresh regardless of the year.

Thanks for the peeps and the shoutouts during the run to 500. I've got more in store. I won't leave you hangin' ('specially with the election comin' up!). Holler!



Wednesday, June 11, 2008

TPSA: Fat's Not Where It's At

Wassup, Y'all!

From time to time, ol Ty will post up a Tyrone Public Service Announcement (TPSA) just to let my peeps know I'm thinkin' about them. What strikes me all the time lately - particularly before the NBA Finals when they were puttin' up clips of Tyler Perry's show 'House of Payne' every twenty seconds featuring portly actors Lavan Davis and Cassi Davis - is how big everybody is. And since my focus is more skewed toward the southside, I have to comment on southside poundage, particularly among our southside sisters...

Now ol Ty's not here to preach or testify but come on now. An obesity study conducted eight years ago showed that 78% of southside shortys were considered overweight - 50% of that crew were considered obese. 78%. Now that was but no one can tell me that that number has eight years agodecreased. There's been all kinds of rationales for why this is - unhappiness with their social situation, general acceptance of the situation by their southside peers and even some wildness about southside women being larger because southside men prefer them larger (this is known as the 'more cushin' for the pushin' argument, y'all).

Well, I'm sayin' bump that to all that noise. There are NO positive benefits to being overweight. Your health is more important than that next Rib Tip Dinner from J's or that 12 pack of Entemann's powered donuts (as good as those joints may be...). When weighed against health problems like diabetes, heart disease, back pain, etc. is it really a choice? I know for some it isn't a choice, but how many southside shortys are walkin' around with a medical waiver from their doctor? 5? 6? It damn sure ain't no 78% - this much I do know.

In addition to the physical damage that extra weight brings, now it's also bringin' additional emotional and economic ruckus to the table. USAToday was recently out there with an article foreshadowing the rise of weight discrimination and we've all heard about the airlines chargin' for an extra seat. If they're charging for bags now, how long is it going to be before they start chargin' for extra weight as well? There's no upside to being overweight just like there's no upside to smoking. My goal is to see all my peeps livin' to a ripe old age like 'Tini Mack's grandmama who made to 103.

Imagine that y'all. A southsider makin' it 103. What kind of odds was Grandmama Mack buckin' to pull that off?? I'm sad to say that Grandmama Mack recently gave up the ghost to take her place among the Mack Council of Ancestors but she left behind a lesson to be learned - take care of yourself. You're not just on the planet to enjoy yourself, you're also here for other folk to enjoy you. Don't short change them. Plan to pass on a few of those donuts, get your exercise gear on and stay a good long while.



Monday, June 09, 2008

Spike and Clint fill the Smooth / Hillary Vacuum

Wassup, Y'all!

First, ol Ty has to give Sister Hillary dap for finally exiting the stage in the fashion she should have last Tuesday. She hit the right notes, said the right things and now suddenly, the high tension politics that have been with us since both Smooth and SH announced their bids has vanished. Seeing the debate now framed between Smooth and Citizen McCain is pretty jarring since, 'Senator [McCain], you're no Hillary Clinton'.

The GOP has every reason to be worried about the viability of their candidate. That guy is Sominex with an Ambien chaser when he stands up to give a speech. Yes, that's a superficial view but tell me that won't be on everybody's mind when he and Smooth stand side by side on the same stage. That dude's free ride is over. It doesn't look like a fair fight to me and it surely doesn't have the electric drama that crackled between Smooth and Sister Hillary. Thankfully, a new slugfest has emerged that looks like it may be equally entertaining...

A couple weeks ago, I dropped a dime on Spike Lee's criticism of Clint Eastwood's two WW II based movies 'Flags of Our Fathers' and 'Letters From Iwo Jima'. Spike correctly pointed out that Clint featured no southside soldiers in either movie despite the fact that there were some present during the battle for Iwo Jima. Clint correctly pointed out that no southside soldier participated in the raising of the flag on Mt. Suribachi and then pointedly said,'A guy like him should shut his face'.

Ol Ty's not sure what was implied by the 'A guy like him' part and neither was Spike who, when told of the comment, took it old school by saying that Clint ' not my father and we aren't on a plantation either'. Oh snap! Not the P-word! It looks like we've escalated into a hot war, y'all! Spike finished with a parting shot sayin' Clint was 'sounding like an angry old man'. Daaaaaaaang. Something tells me that Spike needs to watch his back for a few or he might wake up one morning starin' down the barrel of a 44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and gettin' asked, 'Do you feel lucky?'

Hopefully these two can keep this drama going for a couple more weeks before they kiss and make up until some real action kicks in between Smooth and Emperor Palpatine Citizen McCain. I'm already jonesin' for a fix and it's only been two days!!



Friday, June 06, 2008

Will Florida Ever Get It Right?

Wassup, Y'all!

Despite the provocative title of this post, ol Ty's not here to paint all of Florida with a broad brush, but after the 2000 election mess, the 2008 election mess and now this madness in Hillsborough County where the Sons of Confederate Veterans are preparing to fly a 50' x 30' confederate flag on a 139 foot flagpole in a spot next to a highway traveled by more than 124,000 drivers a day, I'm about ready to file the paperwork to let them secede from the Union for good. We have enough other states to pick up the slack.

Just like Grand Wizard Bubba Ray and the rest of the Knights of whatever Imperial Bull$hit Klan Local 52 do when they plan their rallies, the Sons are leaning heavily on their First Amendment rights of free speech and went to meticulous legal pains to make sure there were no legal roadblocks that could make them stand down on this foolishness. No, the only thing left to appeal to is good common sense, which sadly it appears those good ol boys have none of...

Somehow, this jacked up flag continues to be a source of pride for a segment of southern northsiders despite the fact it represents the dark days of slavery, dixie, king cotton and a rogue collection of states that were willing to break up the Union to ensure that their lifestyle could go on unchecked. Had they been successful, I'd probably be typing this post in Massa's basement up at the big house (cuz there'd be no Wi-Fi connection down in the field houses, y'all). Mama would be in the kitchen bakin' her fly cornbread muffins for Massa and Missus, but not before sneakin' in a little spit and ground glass. Y'all know what I'm sayin'.

It's sad the pains these boys went through to ensure that thing would be legit. In addition to that eyesore flag, they'll also have a little memorial park dedicated to the sacrifices of the confederate soldiers. They also made sure to note that that included the 'small group of black soldiers who fought on the Confederacy's behalf'. I'm sure those boys were willing participants.

How is this different from some crackpot group in Germany flying the Nazi flag from the Third Reich next to the Autobahn? Or some crackpot group in the Russia flying the Sickle and Hammer of the old Soviet Union? It's not. If the Sons want to dishonor the notion of 'one Nation, Under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all' that's their right as citizens. However, it's also our right to display our displeasure with this tomfoolery the old fashioned, American way - by effectin' their paper.

Just like the Montgomery bus boycott, ol Ty better not see the first out of state southsider droppin a dime in Hillsborough County since, as John Adams, commander of the organization's Florida division said, 'It's a free country as far as I know'. Dang - ol boy still's not sure if it's a free country or not. The Hillsborough po-po probably needs to go check his basement to see if he's harboring any 'domestic help' down there.

All I can do is shake my head on this one, y'all, but ol Ty is happy to see that there is still much common sense left in the country as the original US based flag maker approached by the Sons backed out when their union members correctly said, 'Hell to tha Nizzo' to that nonsense. So the Sons had that joint made in China. How's that for irony? A counterfeit Confederate flag. I'm waiting for the first hard rain to wash out the red ink and leave that joint pink.

Man, Hillsborough - I thought y'all were better than that. And Sons? Just in case you missed it in school - here's the whole Pledge of Alligiance. It goes a little something like this: "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." That ain't just whistlin' Dixie.



Thursday, June 05, 2008

Smooth & 'Chelle's Dap Playing Big

Wassup, Y'all!

Before I get to today's post, ol Ty would like to take just a moment to take credit for finally pushin' Sister Hillary out of the race. My hard hittin' post yesterday clearly got read by many democratic party heavy hitters, who in turn then delivered the message to SH. I may have to fall through ol girl's Saturday concession speech to grab some eats and to make sure he doesn't cause anymore drama by fainting at the podium or claiming she's carrying Smooth's baby or some similar type of ruckus. If there was ever someone who deserved the old Apollo theater hook, it's SH.

Now, while monitorin' the news wires here in the basement, I've noticed a definite, near universal appreciation of the dap that Smooth Barack and 'Chelle shared at the Xcel Energy Center Tuesday night just before he claimed the nomination. While some of my northside homeys weren't quite clear on what to call it, they recognized the gesture as a true example of the love and respect Smooth and 'Chelle have for each other. Michael Shaw in the Huffingtonpost marveled at how the two could remain so seemingly relaxed at such a huge moment that Smooth later admitted left him 'humbled'....

Ol Ty has to admit, those two are a telegenic couple and their love for each other comes across as deep rooted and completely genuine every time you seem them together. They seem to have a true marriage where each is the other's completely trusted partner. I submit that it's 'Chelle who's helping to keep Smooth relaxed and confident in the midst of all the chaos that swirls around him daily. He has no closer confidant and he knows that she's got his back regardless.

The other glossy I caught yesterday that I like equally as much is this one with Smooth clownin' with this daughters (who I'm dubbing 'The Smooth Girls' - though Smooth has taken to callin' little Sasha 'Cool Breeze') at a campaign stop earlier this year. If the Obamas don't embody all the qualities of the 'All-American' family I don't know who does. So as Smooth begins to draw distinct differences between he and Citizen McCain - this is yet another one to draw on. Everyone gets family. Everyone gets countin' on your boo to be the bedrock of your life.

So I'm expectin' the shorty voting contingent to eventually move over to the Smooth camp after the sting of SH's narrow loss has been digested. I also expect that Smooth will be able to easily become the family values candidate as there seem to be some suspect shenanigans in Citizen McCain's marital past. So if Repubs want to be seen as consistent vs. hypocritical with their family values stance, I'd expect more than a few of them to be crossing over this fall.

Finally, let me just say that 'Chelle was KILLIN' that purple dress Tuesday night. I'm just sayin'...



Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Sister Hillary makes a run for the rafters

Wassup, Y'all!

Damn. I'll admit it. I was drinkin' that Clinton concession Kool-aid and sat through Sister Hillary's defiant, non-gracious, non-conciliatory speech with my mouth on the floor wondering how one person can be so completely consumed by her own ambition. The numbers were in, Smooth had crossed the magic threshold and just when you expected the party to finally close ranks, Sister Hillary concocted some strange Option #3 (see Monday's post for Options #1 and #2) which has homegirl heading for the rafters with a detonator in her hand and asking her supporters to write in and tell her what she should do. What kind of bull%#@% is that??

What's clear to me after tonight that Sister Hillary is all about self. Her speech was a clear power play designed to give her the maximum leverage to call shots from now until the convention. I'll tell y'all what though - ol Ty ain't even feelin' having homegirl added to the ticket. Hit me after to jump so I can drop some actual factuals that show how Sister Hillary's speech was all about me and how Smooth's was all about we...

Ol Ty had his fact checkers down at Winky's Corner Store analyze both speeches tonight to see how frequently each used the words 'I', 'We' and their opponent's name. It's not hard to see how the numbers broke down.

Sister Hillary in her 2,246 word speech said 'I' 60 times, 'We' 24 times and mentioned Smooth twice. Smooth Barack in his 2,483 word speech said 'I' 20 times, 'We' 34 times and mentioned Sister Hillary six times. It really is all about me when it comes to Sister Hillary. She must get really tired carrying that massive ego around everywhere she goes.

I'm looking for a superdelegate smack down either today or tomorrow to short-circuit any planned convention shenanigans, but why should it even have to come to that? Ol Ty was all set to let bygones be bygones with Camp Clinton but after that in-your-face jibber-jabber on a night that should have clearly been Smooth's I ain't got a bit of love left.

I'll leave y'all with a little paraphrasing from that same Cagney movie 'White Heat' that saw him intentionally blowing his a$$ up at the end - 'Hillary Clinton. Finally made it to the top of the world and it blew up right in her face'. I guess I just need a little time with my close advisors and input from my readers to get a better perspective on things. What do you think, y'all? Should I stay mad at homegirl? Write me at and help me make up my own damn mind.



Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Yo Mookie! Rosie Perez is heading to TV

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, even Stevie Wonder was impressed by Rosie Perez's opening scene in Spike Lee's 'Do The Right Thing' back in the day. Playin' Tina to Spike's pizza deliverin' Mookie, our first view of Rosie in her breakout movie role was that of Mookie cooling off Tina during a sweltering Brooklyn summer by running an ice cube across her breasts. That was cinematic art at it's best, y'all.

Through the years, Rosie has moved on to roles both big and small on the big screen, small screen and stage. Ol Ty caught her a few years back on Broadway when she was playing a paraplegic named Pooty in 'Reckless' with Mary-Louise Parker (who remains a trip on that Showtime joint Weeds). Whether she was gettin' iced down by Spike or going straight to DVD with John Leguizamo and Tyrese in 'The Take' one thing about Rosie has remained exactly the same - her thick, Brooklyn accent, Moooookie....

Now some folks find it annoying but I think Rosie and Ana Ortiz, who plays Hilda Suarez on Ugly Betty, pull it off kinda classy. Fran Drescher with that nasal twang? Not so much. Anyway, word has it that Rosie will be back on the small screen (or big screen for y'all who drop by to watch this joint we me on mama's 42" plasma) this fall in Exit 19, a cop show with Geena Davis.

Critics are already focusing on the insane height difference between the two with Rosie clockin' in at just over 5 feet and Geena rockin' the party at an Amazon-like 6 feet. To that, ol Ty has this to say to the critics, 'Quit hatin''. Y'all know damn well that Tom Cruise can't be any taller than 4' 5" and he's an action movie star. Personally, I'm liking the symmetry and given Geena's cold killer moves in 'The Long Kiss Good Night' where she played the original Charly Baltimore, an assassin with amnesia, I'm thinking Exit 19 will either be good or extraordinarily whack. There's no middle ground for a joint like this.

Should be interesting to see how it plays out though. I'll keep y'all posted as the fall TV season nears.



Monday, June 02, 2008

On The Brink of History

Wassup, Y'all!

First a couple housekeeping points. A moment of silence please for musical homey Bo Diddley who gave up the ghost today. That was a brother with a cool name and a cool beat who hailed from my boy Top Cat's Shorty Supreme's hometown of McComb, MS. Reading about Bo-Did, there's no doubt the term 'pioneer' certainly applies.

Second, my bad on late post today! I know my early morning coffee drinkers like to get their day started off right. Ol Ty was road-trippin' over the weekend and clocked about 16 hours of hoopty time in an effort to help out the Secret Service advance team who's making sure that everything is copasetic in MN tomorrow for Smooth Barack's final primary speech at the Xcel Energy Center (homebase for the September Republican National Convention). Yes, y'all - my work is never done.

Now if this was an old time TV program like 'The Lone Ranger', the Ranger's home slice Tonto would be off his horse with his ear to the ground talkin' 'bout - 'Umm, something up, Kemosabe'. Ol Ty would have to agree as it appears that this week will see the first presumptive southside nominee for President of the United States in American history...

That bogus a$$ stereo-typical portray of a Native American aside, I was a little apprehensive with how Sister Hillary would bring her show to a close. Option #1 - the sensible approach - bow out gracefully and join forces with Smooth Barack to beat the Republicans in the fall or Option #2 - press her claim on the nomination all the way to the convention and be like James Cagney in 'White Heat' - gettin' shot down in the rafters by a police sharp shooter but still managing to screamin' out 'I made it Ma! Top of world!' just before detonating a bomb and blowin' herself up in the Pepsi Center.

Thankfully signs are pointing to an Option #1 ending (finally) making both Smooth's and Sister Hillary's speeches must see TV tomorrow night. Chances are that neither will declare victory or concede defeat respectively but it sounds like groundwork is being laid for the two to be in the same place at the same time to finally begin consolidating their Jedi Armies for the coming battle against the formidable forces of the Dark Side.

I decided to throw up a quick glossy of Citizen McCain to let folks know who we're up against. It's not gonna be easy, y'all, but I'm glad to see that the Dems are about ready to say, 'Game On'!