Wednesday, October 26, 2005

What's The Dilly With Downtown Julie Brown?

Wassup, Y'all!

Ahhh, the wily wench from Wales. Wubba, wubba, wubba, y'all! Man - what ever happened to my girl Downtown Julie Brown? I remember old girl kicking on MTV (back when homeys *really* wanted their MTV - now it's all about Julissa Bermudez on BET's 106 and Park). A couple times I felt that Spice Girl Mel B. aka Scary Spice was stealing old girl's flow but we all know that there's only *one* Downtown Julie Brown. Blessed by those exotic Jamaican/British looks (and y'all thought the only good blend out of Jamaica was either that monster Montego Bay ganja that could dredlock your 'fro overnight or a tight cup of Blue Mountain Coffee) DTJB was pretty much the *only* 'vee-jay' that this brother was feeling on MTV...

It seems our girl (after a run of blink to video movie appearances in such stellar cinematic fare as 'When', 'Shadow Hours' and 'The Homeboy' DTJB gave the nod to appearing in the reality show "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here" - a joint topped off with a gaggle of B-list celebs and fringe famous personalities like Cris Judd (who won) and Melissa Rivers sans momma Joan (though old girl did guest star) and a red carpet. Quiet as it's kept, I didn't see that joint but I did hear that Cris Judd was opening up big time about his microwave marriage to badunka-dunk babe J-Lo. Now normally homeboys will want to shut up about the inner workings of their relationships lest they come off sounding like suckers to their boyz but it apparently worked for C-Judd as he had women swooning and clowning on about how 'sensitive' he was and how J-Lo made a wrong move by dumping his butt - blah, blah, blah.

It turns out DTJB did pretty well in the Survivor rip-off show - digging through a pit of snakes, sitting in a bath of leaches, you know standard stuff you see on shows like Fear Factor these days. I got to hand it to homegirl though - she doesn't come off as the tomboy type - I figured she would have bailed a minute or two after settling in the jungle and hearing the monkeys in the trees get their swerve on. Hopefully she'll turn up again soon. I can't get enough of that proper British accent - her fish and chips aren't bad either.

I'm out y'all!



Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Three Faces of Lil Kim...

Wassup, Y'all!

I know, I know. This post has been brewing for the longest and it was taking me so long to finish that I though Lil Kim might finish her bid before I finally got it out! Lucky for y'all she's still doing her time for her crime and I can help everyone step back and appreciate what it's like to go from Queen Bee to Jail Bird in style. You see, like Martha Stewart and Sam Waxel before her, Lil Kim decide to kick it at a 'Going Away' party before starting her bid at that cushy Philly Federal Detention Center. Here she go giving an opening shout out to her peeps as the festivities kick off. Folks are feeling good, the Cristal is flowing, Jacob the Jeweler is somewhere up in that piece dropping bling into shiny give-away bags filled for all the guests, and everybody is smiling and clapping and telling Lil Kim to 'stay strong, girl!'. You'll see that as the evening progresses, the realization that her little butt is headed to federal lockup (in Philly no less) begins to mess up her high. Read on y'all...

First of all, if you ask me - it seems to be far easier to start your bid straight out of the court house as soon as the sentence is handed down. This whole deal of getting four or five weeks to 'report' to prison seems like a recipe designed to have you rolling down the expressway in a white bronco with your boy, a passport and a bag full of cash!

Spike Lee did a tight job of portraying this process in his movie '25th Hour' starring Edward Norton. If you haven't seen it, check that joint out and think about how rough it would be to actually have to live that transition. Here, we see our girl Lil Kim mugging with Mary J. Blige who's stopped by to lend her support. Mary's probably giving her some sisterly advice about 'Once you get into lockup, don't be hugging up on anybody like this, girl. You hear me?'

Eventually, though the Cris bottles are empty, R. Kelly has found some little tenderoni to take back up to the suite and Jacob the Jeweler is going around handing out bills for bling the guests thought was free. It's around this time that it dawns on Lil Kim that the party is literally over. She's going to have to trade her little blue satin number for some faded prison blues that she wants to be really, really, really baggy. The alcohol inspired braggadocio fades away to boo-boo lips as she hops a ride from the spot toward a one year and one day future that will likely involve industrial strength playette hatin', cat calls at all hours ('Yo Queen Bee - why don't you rap about how I'm gonna tap dat a$$ tomorrow after dinner!') and steering clear of all long handled objects. The upside is her time inside will cement her street cred in the hip-hop world and knowing Lil Kim, she'll be crafty enough to work on her material on the inside so she can drop a quick album a few days after she gets sprung.

In the meantime, for all y'all busters thinking about lying in court or just being straight felonious, take a good look at that boo-boo lip glossy and picture yourself on your way to lock up. Better yet, rent '25th Hour' and live that ride in living color then ask yourself would I rather be drinking Cris on the outside or 'married' to Chris on the inside? Cola nut. Un-Cola nut. You decide...



Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Father Knows Best ?

Wassup, Y'all!

When I first caught this show in reruns back in the day, I was tripping that any show could get on the air with a title like that. These days, sitcoms and commercials alike make it a point to make dear old dad look like a straight doofus. Old boy can't fix anything properly, can't dress himself, can't get from Point A to Point B in a car without getting lost (and then refusing to ask for directions), can't grill without blowing up the neighborhood, can't be trusted with power tools, blah, blah, blah. My, how times have changed from those heartwarming 'Father Knows Best' days. Put that same show on today and it would be called 'Father Couldn't Find His A$$ with a Handheld GPS'. Sad but true, y'all. So that's why I'm happy to dip back into yesteryear and finish what I started a few days ago. Namely, dropping the rest of the qualities that made a 'Good Wife' back in the day (and maybe need to be revisited for a few in *this* day to restore balance to the male/female universe). So let's get busy...

Tips #6 & #7:

"Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him."

Hmmm, sounds simple enough but all too often a king returns to his castle only to find his queen jibber-jabbering about her *jacked up* day and why so-and-so ain't sh#t because he made her girlfriend mad by eating her last pint of ice cream. Homegirls! Chill! Chances are a smile and a nice glass of Hpnotiq at the door will generate a little bling-bling for you down the road!

Tip #8:

"Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours."

Can't stress that enough, homegirls. His topics of conversation - sports, brew, cars, bathroom humor - are more important than yours...

Tip #9:

"Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax."

I don't know how many times I tried to impress this point on my old girl. I was like "Baby - I *need* to go to the shake club because I'm under a lot of stress and pressure that can only be relieved by me seeing a lot of naked woman swinging on poles in a smokey, dim lit room". I refuse to believe that's why I'm a bachelor today, y'all.

Tips #10 & #11:

"Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't greet him with complaints and problems."

I'm sensing a common theme here, y'all. It all boils down to 'No recreational jibber-jabbering when your man gets home to his crib'

Tip #11:

"Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day."

See my shake club comment above

Tips #12, #13 & 14:

"Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow or offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice."

Ahhh, wonder when we'd finally hit the bedroom, y'all. And note - they're already way ahead of me with some chilled Hpnotiq at the door. Great minds thinking alike... Also note - no screeching jibber-jabber at the door, homegirls - low, soothing and pleasant voice only. Think less Fran Dresher/Rosie Perez and more Vanessa Williams/Lela Rochon.

Tip #15:

"Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him."

Man, guys back in the day must have been at a bar or in the shake club *every* night with rules like these, jack! Wow fellas we devolved from 'master of the house' to 'doofus of the house' in only fifty short years...

Tip #16:

"A good wife always knows her place."

This one deserves a place in the Hall of Fame of Classic Sayings. Of course, if said in mixed company these days, you might end up missing a few chicklets from your grill cuz shortys don't play that in 2005!

And there you have it homeboys - a nostalgic glimpse of a time well past. I expect in a few more years these tips will get flipped and be standard tenets for 'The Good Husband'. If sitcom husbands are any indication of things to come, that time might already be here... In the meantime, I'm audi, y'all - I got to hurry home to draw my baby's bath and get that fire going!!



Thursday, October 06, 2005

Hey - where'd the Stepford Wives go??

Wassup, Y'all!

1955. That was a noteworthy year, y'all. Don't believe me? Well let me drop a few actual factuals on you and you can make up your own minds. The very first Mickey D's opened right up this way in Des Plains, Illinois. Disneyland opened out in Cali. Arsenio Hall was born and could be heard in the delivery room talkin' 'bout - "Let's Get Busy!" Your Pops came home and asked your moms to make him a drink and she actually did it.

Whoa - wait a second - what was that? That's right y'all, there was a time waaaaaay back in the day when shortys actually catered to their men. Yup - where do you think Destiny's Child got the material for their hit single 'Cater to U'? You know they cribbed those lyrics, y'all. I have it on good authority that Beyonce got her hands on an article in the May 13, 1955 Housekeeping Monthly Magazine titled "The Good Wife's Guide" and a day later had the girls in the studio. Fortunately for y'all, I happen to come across said article thanks to my girl Sexy Northside Shorty and I'm still trying to jack my jaw up off the floor. Join me after the jump for an unbelievable trip down memory lane...

Truth be told y'all there's so much material this will have to be a serial posting which unfolds over a few posts cuz I'm not *about* to leave anything out. It's just too juicy. So homeboys, go grab that special shorty and have her join you at the monitor and tell her 'How To Be A Good Wife' class is in session, jack!

Tip #1:

"Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed."

That's what I'm talking about, y'all - the warm welcome needed when I fall back through the crib! Southside shortys, please note the phrase "on time" - 1955 shortys didn't use CP time as a cover for why dinner wasn't hot and fresh out the oven, neither should you!!

Tip #2:

"Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people."

Hear that? No pink velour sweats when your man gets home! Be fresh looking - not fresh mouthed. And drop a couple Washingtons for some ribbons down at the dollar store - it won't kill you!

Tip #3:

"Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it."

See? Y'all got duties! Be interesting - no one wants to hear about your mama or your girl's latest issues. Your man wants to hear the sports scores and what outfit you just picked up from Victoria's Secret.

Tip #4:

"Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives."

You'd be surprised what's still around before you make that last trip, homegirls. Be thorough - sweep up those raggedy Press-on Nails and that hair weave tumbleweed blowing across the carpet.

Tip #5:

"Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction."

Look y'all. There's just no excuse not to have a fire roaring and a tight snifter of brandy or yak (see I prefer a nice chilled glass of Hpnotiq myself...) waiting on your man over the cooler months. See, I like this one cuz y'all also get a lift from catering to your man - it's two for one, homegirls and y'all know how much you like those bargains.

Okay, I think that's enough to absorb for one night. Shortys - let those tips marinate with you for a few before you roll by the crib and try to firebomb my mama's house. I won't be there anyway - you know I got to lay low after dropping tips like these in 2005. Anyway, I ain't scared cuz I'm flexin' with my 50 Cent G-Unit Kevlar, baby, so go sell Thelma and Louise someplace else cuz old Tyrone ain't buying tonight.

Meet me back here in a few for the "Good Wife's Guide" Part II - it almost like R. Kelly's 'Trapped in the Closet" series, y'all!



Sunday, October 02, 2005

The Thin Line Between Hottie & Hoochie

Wassup, Y'all!

You know, there's a reason why everybody needs a good friend, y'all. Good friends aren't scared to tell you your breath is kicking, that the four hours you spent on the dance floor left you smelling funky and for you shortys out there - that the outfit you pulled out of the closet to kick at the Emmys makes you look like a straight hoochie. Clearly our girl Tess Smith has no good friends as she boldly stepped on the Emmy red carpet in an outfit that can best be described as early American Hoochie. Tess - homegirl - come on now! So it should come as no surprise that old Tyrone feels compelled to step in and provide a quick PSA (Public Service Announcement) on award show, red carpet protocol and how *not* to cross the thin line between hottie (check me out after the jump, y'all) and HOOCHIE...

Now I'm all for those hot little outfits at the award shows that will get a homeboy's blood pumping. Those sexy little joints with the mile high slits up the side, those low cut numbers and those creative fashions with the backs that plunge down so far the actresses are about a millimeter away from busting out the plumber's crack. That's all good and all will land you firmly on the hottie side of the ledger. But when you need to hit your local detail shop for a Brazilian Wax that's more precise than any smart bomb ever created for the Defense Department, well homegirl, you've just crossed over to The Hoochie Zone. See the difference between bite-size shorty Eva Longoria at the MTV VMAs (hottie) and Tess 'The Girl From Ipenema' Smith? No? Well let's continue.

Now everybody remembers J-Lo during her pre Ben Affleck/Marc Anthony days when she was kicking it with Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy - y'all remember when she kicked that green wispy joint at the Grammys and folks learned the real purpose of double-sided tape? Now many of you out there will be going, 'oh yeah Tyrone - that outfit was hoochie-fied' but see I disagree. You see, having a little junk in your trunk gives you a little leeway on your fashion choices, so if say, Beyonce or Vida Guerra showed up primping in that joint, the only way you could lean was toward the hottie side. Keep up, y'all.

The flip side of that coin is everybody's favorite Queen Bee Jail Bird - Lil Kim (who happens to have a nice little cut on her hands with 'Put Ya Lighters Up' (tight hook, tight beat, rap needs a little somethin', somethin' tho...) so at least old girl can start her one year and one day perjury bid on a high note...). Now Lil Kim set the gold standard for hoochie haute couture when she stepped on the red carpet back in the day with the 'one in, one out' look popularized by the professional crackhead hoochies on the stroll on lower Wacker Drive. To this day I still don't know what old girl was thinking ('cept maybe - 'gee I might have a chance to make Tyrone Malone's Top Ten All-Time Hoochies list if I wear this one'). Y'all know this one's not hard to call. Granted it's easy on the eyes, but not hard to call.

So in the future, y'all when you're checking out the red carpet fashions, my advice: Keep It Simple. Forget about all that 'ohh she's wearing Vera Wang', 'ohh, she's wearing Donna Karan'. Just boil it down like old Ty into two simple categories - Hottie or Hoochie and see if you don't enjoy the proceedings that much more...