Colbert's 'Blackwashing' - Satire 101

Wassup, Y'all!

See? This is what I'm talkin' 'bout. You don't have to be disagreeable to highlight a disagreeable point. Steven Colbert's take on the conservative right's complainin' about being called racist when they're only tryin' to 'make a point' is priceless and a textbook example of perfect satire.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Belleville School Bus vs. Cracker Barrel

Wassup, Y'all!

Had to post on this recent cornucopia of beatdowns as both incidents have folk hot under the collar about racism, hate crimes and apparent double standards. I have to say that ol Ty is more than dismayed over the rising angry tenor of the national conversation, particularly from my high strung Republican homeys, and I think it's time for folk to go back to that age old chestnut - 'THINK before you speak'.

In the Malone household Papa Malone had his own chestnut called, 'Sit down and shut up' but since we're all New Age now and folk feel entitled to run around with their mouths half cocked we've now moved into a period I like to call 'The National Hysteria Age'. Now about these beatings...

As much as I hate to utter the name, Flush Rimjob (aka Rush Limbaugh) has made a lot of hay recently with the Belleville High School Bus beating which featured a young northside homey getting thugged up by several southside homeys. In this unfortunate vignette we have Captain Don Sax of the Belleville Police Department shootin' off at the lip claiming that,"In my estimation, it's racially motivated,". Here I would normally give Cap'n Don the benefit of the doubt as I'm sure he's witness plenty of racially motivated ruckus in country Belleville, but other observers contend that the issue was more basic.

Basic like the perceived right to a school bus seat and the right to force someone to sit somewhere else. Y'all may have seen this early on in 'Forest Gump' where once Forest boarded the school bus, no one wanted him sitting next to them except for Jenny. Had Forest pressed the issue and sat next to Jim Bob say, he likely would have feasted on a knuckle sandwich or two before the bus driver could get back there to break it up. Still, this type of dust up - which ol Ty contends happens every day - encouraged Flush to proudly crow that this is nothing more than the manifestation of 'Obama's America - White Kids Get Beat up With The Black Kids Cheering'. Of course that asinine assertion is nothing more than a classless radio huckster ginnin' up his radical right fringe base to keep sowin' seeds of national division vs. national unity. That jibber-jabber notwithstanding, here's ol Ty's question: 'Would this have even been news had the participants been either all northsiders or all southsiders?' Y'all know the answer - hell to tha nizzo - particularly if it happened on an all southside bus. I'm sure the prevailing sentiment among Flush's radio listeners in *that* case would have been, 'Dang! Why'd they break it up? They should have let those darkies kill each other that way they'd need less of my tax money for their welfare habit'. Sad but true y'all. Doubt me not.

Now let's fast forward to Tuesday, when a nice trip to Cracker Barrel turned heinous for a southside mother (a military vet) and her 7-year old daughter. In this equally unfortunate vignette, moms and daughter are entering as Troy Dale West and wifey are exiting. Apparently Troy Dale whipped the door open pretty quickly and nearly tagged the 7 year-old in the mug. As most mothers would do, she asked Troy Dale to be more careful as he almost hit her daughter and Troy Dale went the *$#% off. According to a CB employee, the ruckus unfolded thusly:

One Cracker Barrel employee, who asked not to be identified said when Hill politely told West to be careful, he went on a racial tirade.

The employee said Hill told West, “Please don’t do this, I’m in the military,” to which West responded “I don’t give a f***you black n***** b****and then started punching her." The employee said "I saw the foot motion of him kicking her. As he was punching her, he called her a black n***** b**** twice."

Pretty vile stuff and a nice way to reward a military vet for her service to the country. First, a homey never has cause to raise a hand to a shorty unless she's comin' at him with a pot of hot grits. Second...hmmm - doesn't seem to be a second in this case, because 'First' is about as basic as it gets. So because racial words were used in the beatdown, this incident got tagged as a possible 'hate crime' and some folk are up in arms that the Belleville incident didn't and want to smell a double standard.

To ol Ty - it really doesn't matter! What should matter is that the beaters - in both cases - get their legal just desserts as it appears they were all in the very wrong (tho ol Ty further contends that any fool who beats a woman - particularly in front of her child - needs an extra special judicial a$$ whoopin'). That's about as simple as it should be because again, if neither vignette involved mixed races we wouldn't even be talking about it. Wrong is wrong and, for those who want to continue to beat the racial flames in either incident, I refer you back to Papa Malone's wise words - 'Sit down and shut up'.

Peace@Least,
Tyrone

Whitney Houston: Don't Call It A Comeback

Wassup, Y'all!

Okay, I'll admit when I heard the promo for Whitney Houston's upcoming September appearance on the GMA Summer Concert series, I had to stop and peep it.

They threw out all the accolades y'all - Global Superstar, the only artist to have seven consecutive multi-platinum albums, music's most awarded female artist of all time and that the countdown is on to the most anticipated morning television concert event of the year since Michael Jackson died...maybe ANY year! It was all workin' for me y'all - the clips showcasing her incomparable voice back in the day and that '91 Superbowl National Anthem rendition that still gives a brother chills (not to be confused with the Marvin Gaye Gold Standard tho). Then old girl opened her mouth at the end of the promo and the illusion died harder than Hans Gruber at the Nakatomi Plaza...

Despite the make-up, ol girl looks like she's lived the hard life these last few years, which we all know she has. But if I'm willin' to be on the bandwagon for the Mike Vick 2nd Chance Tour then I certainly need to give equal time to sister Whitney, but I'll be on pins and needles when ol girl steps to the mic live for this concert. I'm not sure she still has those magical pipes. No, not the crack pipes, y'all. I'm talkin' 'bout her vocal pipes. If you listen to the clips ABC pulled together for her promo, I'd put that pre-2K voice up against ANYBODY. Ol girl could sang! Now? Ol Ty's a little fretful.

And how many times has ol girl tried to comeback? Certainly less than Brett Favre but still more than enough for a brother to say, 'Look - either comeback or go away but don't keep a brother hanging!' Still I give her credit for avoiding that music career black hole that has swallowed many a promising career. Where's Nelly been? Chingy? Is that brother still 'one call away'? Still at the Holiday Innnnn? Jaheim? Heavy-D? Anyone seen 'the overweight lover'? Shaggy? Shabba Ranks? Shabba! Either one of the 'other two' Destiny's Child shortys? Man - I don't even remember their names Kelly & Michelle! Ja Rule?

Y'all feel me. Music is a tough business. It's always what have you done for me lately? How many records can you sell this go 'round? Less than before? Sorry - we're gonna have to drop your non-producin' a$$ from the label. So in that light, Whitney's already ahead of the game. She's built a big enough legacy that folk are still willin' to bankroll a comeback tour.

Ol Ty will be watchin' in September to either see the phoenix rise from the ashes or the final fall to earth. Either way it should be entertaining. Break a leg, Whitney.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Mike Vick, Donte Stallworth and Tiger

Wassup, Y'all!

I know, I know. First, where the heck you been, Ty?? Second, how'd Tiger get on that list? As for where've I been, I've been out, y'all. I haven't been feelin' it lately and I'm still tryin' to get my feet under me up in NC. It's comin' together slowly but I've had more distractions goin' on than a blind man with a lit candle in a firecracker factory. Suffice to say that they've all been good distractions but ol Ty needs to get his focus back.

As for Tiger being listed in the company of Mike Vick and Donte? We'll just count him as another homey who straight shocked the hell out of ol Ty. Two BIG snaps up to east side home Y.E. Yang for becomin' a smiling, shot-makin' piece of Kryptonite to the golfing world's Superman. Daaaaaaaamn, Tiger - that's GOTTA hurt! Now about Mike and Donte...

I caught the transcript of Mike Vick's 60 Minutes interview that followed Tiger's improbable implosion and, of course, it sounds like Mike Vick is sayin' all the right things. I'm on the bandwagon of lettin' homeys who have paid their judicial system determined debt to society have a second chance. I have to admit though that Mike Vick's confessions of guilt and disgust at his actions seem to ring a bit hollow. After all, this is the same homey who, in the midst of the swirling allegations, stood up and lied about his innocence and professed his intent to 'clear his good name'.

Well we know the end of that story so ol Ty can only hope that Mike Vick is sincere this go 'round because there's no coming back for Chance #3. Seems to me that there's a pretty big contingent of folk who don't even want to see him get Chance #2 and that ol Ty begs the question - 'What's the purpose of prison?' Or the multi-million dollar fines and restitution? I know the crime was heinous but there are actually people who killed other PEOPLE walkin' the streets getting less grief than this brother. My take - sit back and watch. If he walks the straight and narrow - get up off all that woofin' and let the brother become a productive member of society again. If not, I'll be right there with y'all to throw the first brick.

As for Donte Stallworth, wow. I'm conflicted on this brother too, y'all. Based on the light sentence he received for DUI manslaugher from a court of law (30 days, 24 days served), you have to believe that the accident was unavoidable and that he had the ultimate bad luck of it occurring after he had a couple drinks. But homey's behavior immediately after the tragedy and since then has, in my opinion, been exemplary and quite the opposite of the deceptive road that Mike Vick traveled in his desperate attempts to save his career and endorsements.

Donte, made the 911 call from the accident scene - no hit and run - despite the fact he knew he'd been drinking. He paid restitution to the man's family and he manned up to the charges and the repercussions. To hear him speak on the accident, ol Ty believes that it changed him FOREVER.

If you drive long enough you eventually will hit somethin' live - a squirrel, a bird, a raccoon, a skunk, a cat, a dog, a deer - somethin'. And we all know that sickening, squeamish feelin' we've had afterward, mostly stemming from the thought of the animal getting crushed as well as the sound and bump of the car while the car is rollin' over the remains. Donte experienced all that with a PERSON rollin' under his car. There's no rewindin' that experience out of your brain. That's somethin' the brother will have to live with the rest of his life.

When the NFL Commissioner handed down his sentence of 1 year suspension without pay, you didn't hear a bit of cryin' from Donte. No threat to get the Players Union involved to reduce the sentence and 'allow a man his livelihood'. A lot of fools in the NFL involved in similar circumstance would have tried to pull that bull$hit so I'm givin' props to Donte for really being a man during this whole ordeal. Hopefully, his peers in the NFL will take note.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty's Top 10 Web Videos

Wassup, Y'all!

It's Monday and those of you not livin' in your mama's basement and doin' the 9-5 thing probably need a bit of laughter to get your day going straight so I thought I'd throw together a quick Top 10 list for y'all featuring some recent (and some not so recent) web videos that *always* crack me up so. I know that there's a ton of good stuff out there on the web, but these are the joints that speak to ol Ty at the moment. Hit me off after the jump and get ready to get your laugh on (note: NSFW = Not Safe For Work!)...

1. Star Trek Cribs - The Director's Cut - a classic featurin' my main man Charlie Murphy as the voice of Spock, who's showin' off his crib to the cameras. Bring the power, Scottie!
2. I'm On a Boat - viral a billion times over on Youtube but this nautical themed, SNL joint is always funny, 'specially since I'm known to sit out in mama's garden from time to time in my flippy-floppies. NSFW - lyrics like an old Richard Pryor joint!
3. Dick in A Box - the SNL bookend to I'm on A Boat - featuring Justin Timberlake and SNL homey Andy Samberg offerin' their shortys a 'personal' gift. NSFW
4. Auto-tune The News #2 - a clever use of the auto-tuning effect (T-Pain) to make the news even more viewable than Jon Stewart's Daily Show.
5. Blame It - Youtube's Obama impersonator-in-chief AlphaCat breaks down exactly why you're feelin' the economic blues.
6. Tea Partay - straight outta Cape Cod, the Prepstas are keepin' it real! One of many 'nerdsta' video raps that show just how pervasive the rap culture is in advertising and in the northside world. Smirnoff knew the deal and dropped this one to great effect.
7. All About the Roosevelts - Taco Bell took a page right out of Smirnoff's book and dropped this one for the cheap a$$, late night snack crowd who could only manage to scrap together some nickels and dimes at 2am but still wanted to get their grub on.
8. Whatever I Like - Alphacat's Obama is back breakin' down just what he can do now that he's President.
9. Jizz in My Pants - the SNL crew is back, this time with a couple homeys on a hair trigger. Man, just like back in grade school...for some of y'all.
10. Puke in My Mouth - no list would be complete without the female comeback video. In this case, the shortys came back hard on the Jizz in My Pants concept with their thoughts on how hard it is to keep you lunch down in the presence of some wannabe romeo homeys.

Now if *none* of those videos made you laugh you really need to think about another line of work or head to Cali to catch that medical mary jane wave so you can loosen that tight a$$ up. Stay strong out there, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Skip Gates Is A Friend of Mine

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, you know this is a big story when it comes up as a question during a Presidential news conference.

If I was the officer who ultimately arrested Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates in his own home after producing adequate ID proving it was actually his own home and then I had to hear it discussed by the President of the United States, I'd have to be callin' in today with a bad case of the 'Blue Flu'...

I have this to say about that, y'all - Amadou Diallo and Sean Bell. I'm sure everyone will make a little hay with Smooth Barack's comment about had he been caught tryin' to break into the White House that he'd have been shot. Now that statement can be taken a couple of ways but the one I think Smooth was tryin' to eloquate was that the Secret Service don't play when it comes to White House security. Unfortunately, Amadou, a 23 year old Guinean immigrant in NYC and Sean Bell, a 23 year old southsider from NYC both were shot (and killed). 41 and 50 times respectively. Both by officers who were eventually aquitted of the crime despite both being unarmed at the time of their Sonny Corleone style demises.

Skip Gates is lucky that all that woofin' just got him a dropped disorderly conduct charge and a $40 bail postin'. He could still be wedged up in his doorway leakin' from 40+ gunshot wounds after gettin' laid the f*** out. Harvard Professor or no Harvard Professor. Black may not crack but it punctures pretty easily from hot lead. Instead of Smooth Barack saying that 'Skip Gates is a friend of mine' he could have been up there sayin', 'Skip Gates was a good friend of mine'.

We've come a long way, y'all but we have by no means arrived. If ol Ty gets pulled over down here in NC, you can best believe my hands won't leave the steering wheel until requested to do so. No premature wallet reach for ol Ty, y'all. I've seen this play before. So Skip - I'm glad it all worked out for you, homey. Truly I am. But if even Smooth can admit he might get dropped tryin' to get into the White House on a dark night, what makes you think a Harvard professorship will keep you safe from a similar situation?

Nuff said on that.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

North Carolina, Go on Raise Up

Wassup, Y'all!

If you can't tell by now, ol Ty has been going through A LOT of changes over the past few months. Changes that have seen the passing of Cool Papa Malone, a move by Mama and me to North Carolina (no more Windy, y'all!) and finally the burial of Cool Papa a little less than a week ago at Arlington National Cemetery. That's right, y'all - Malone's have been faithfully serving the nation for three generations now.

The Arlington thing was pretty overwhelming but a well deserved ceremony of naval pomp and circumstance that I know Pop was lovin' from his plush skybox seat.

The North Carolina thing has been workin' for a brother, y'all though I'm missin' my homeys from Winky's Corner Store (DLT! I got you homes - sorry I missed the call. I'll get at you tomorrow!).

I'm likin' the feel and the fact that most of my NC homeys seem to be transplants from other spots just like Mama and me. I've got my new basement pad pretty much fleshed out - Wi-Fi's hooked, flat screen and Slingboxes connected and the PS3 locked and loaded so now it's time to get back down to business.

The Urban Eye's back open starting Thursday, y'all so be sure to check back!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Curtain Finally Closes on Jena 6

Wassup, Y'all!

According to USA Today, the Jena 6 case - a northside/southside dustup gone bad first reported here almost two years ago - has finally come to a legal conclusion.

It seems a little unsatisfying given the previously reported details of the case since five of the six had to plead 'no contest' to misdemeanor simple battery charges, but ol Ty has to admit that's a far cry from the attempted murder charges first filed against the six.

Seems they could have just come to this conclusion from jump street and saved folks a lot of grief and aggravation but - as with most things now - it is what it is. For the first Jena Sixer tried - Mychal Bell - his earlier conviction on second degree battery charges remains in effect as does is 18 month bid.

Given how heinous this all could have turned out for 'The Six' these boyz have to consider themselves extremely fortunate for 1) the power of public scrutiny and 2) the power of money to hire good attorneys. Similar cases back in the day would have surely netted this crew 20-to-life or worse...much worse. I guess in a twisted kind of way we can call this 'progress'.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Basement Lights Dim for Michael Jackson

Wassup, Y'all!

You know something serious has happened for Ol Ty to interrupt his moving prep posting hiatus to drop a timely post. More on the move at a future date, y'all but right now, I'm a brother in serious mourning for The King of Pop. 

To tell you how out of the blue this was for me, I'm doing my thing and get a IM from Lady E. who asked, "Have you heard about Jacko?" To which I reply, "No, what's the fool done now?" To which she replies, "He's dead". To which I reply, "Whaaaaat!? Quit playin'"

Three seconds later I'm tuned to CNN and learning that the talent of the century has truly given up the ghost. Wow. It's the curse of the threes, y'all. Ed McMahon, Farrah and now MJ. He was the Mike everyone wanted to be like way before Jordan brought his tongue waggin' to the court.

I prefer to remember Mike from his Off The Wall/Thriller days before he completely morphed from a southsider into a soft spoken alien being, but boy did homey leave behind a body of work that will never be duplicated.

Rest in Peace (finally) brother Mike. And seriously, dude - thanks for the many, many memories.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Think Iran's bad? Let Something Happen to Obama

Wassup, Y'all!

The ruckus in Iran is pretty intense, but I'm glad to see that the Iranians aren't playin' the fool any more and are willing to sacrifice life and limb to fight for what they believe is right.

In this case what's wrong appears to be a minority candidate that got backdoored out of the Presidency by the incumbent who's intent to hang on to power by any means necessary. What's right is those who don't believe in the bogus election returns gettin' all Public Enemy-like to fight the power.

I shot a tweet out yesterday that alluded to me thinkin' this is how we should have reacted when GW stole the 2000 election. I know folks are thinkin', 'Now Ty, you know we're more 'civilized' over here and we resolve our differences through the court system'. True, but what happens when the (Supreme) court system fails you as well? I'm thinkin' in that case the only recourse is to take to the streets Iranian-style...

In the aftermath of the recent right-wing madness that culminated in the assassination of George Tiller by an unhinged 'Pro-Lifer' and the senseless murder of Steven Tyrone Johns, the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum security guard killed by an old school, unrepentent, life long white supremacist type, I'm noticing a palpable uptick of nervousness among my southside peeps related to the health and welfare of Smooth Barack. The cause of this nervousness can't be better expressed than it is here by Frank Rich's Washington Post Op-Ed piece entitled, 'The Obama Haters’ Silent Enablers'. I dare any Smooth Barack supporter to read that joint without having her hair stand on end.

Essentially, it makes the point that if there's some right-wing nutjob willing to take out a George Tiller based on his belief that he was a mass-murderer - a view fueled by right wing commentators - Bill O'Reilly in particular. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize the real danger posed to the first southside President given the insane, irrational and false rhetoric that continues to pour out of the conservative right-wing ranks. Things like Smooth is really a closet Muslim (no that didn't die during the election) or that Smooth is not a natural born citizen (no that didn't die during the election) or that Smooth is no longer a Socialist (which he isn't) but is actually a Fascist or that Smooth is a part of of a 'dangerous global movement' known as the 'Muslim Brotherhood'. Every last one of those assertions is false yet it doesn't stop desperate conservatives from continuing to put it out there and consistently refusing to step up to refute any of it.

So say you're the next James von Brunn or Scott Roeder - an idiot with a gun, some bullets and a death wish - whose head is filled with this non-stop barrage of garbage about the President? What would you do? Exactly. Which brings me to my final point, y'all. Let some madness like that jump off and what will happen here in the street will make this Iran ruckus look like a southside family reunion once all the liquor is gone and folks who haven't contributed to the food start breakin' out their tin foil to take home most of the leftovers.

Y'all remember what happened in the streets when MLK got assassinated, right? Small potatoes, y'all. SMALL potatoes compared to the outcry that will jump off if the same fate befalls Smooth because now, southsiders aren't the only ones with a vested interest in seeing Smooth succeed. It's anybody with more than two brain cells. It's anybody tired of the same old hate-filled, divisive dialog that has been holding back the country's true potential for renewed greatness. It's all those folk who cast a vote for Smooth Barack.

I know what Martin taught - peaceful, non-violence. Yes - that has its place. But if these right-wing knuckleheads keep stirrin' the pot and the worst jumps off?? It's Malcom X all day, y'all. By any means necessary.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone