Friday, February 06, 2009

Etta to Beyonce: I'm Etta James, Bi#ch!

Wassup, Y'all!

I was all set to post on my recent jailhouse interview with OJ when I caught a snippet of a radio show talkin' 'bout Etta James. My first thought was, 'Dang! Ol girl died a little more than a month after my girl Eartha Kitt passed'. But oh no, y'all - ol Etta still hasn't gotten to that great gettin' up morning yet. Nope - ol girl was just caught rockin' some raucous disses on Beyonce *and* my boy Smooth Barack. It's audio only but you can clearly hear her dissin' on Smooth's ears and plainly statin' that she'd 'whip Beyonce's' a$$ if they ever square off in a dark alley. Wow. Let me also state it plainly for, y'all just in case your mama never taught you right - 1) a lot of shortys tend not to age gracefully and 2) hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Let's proceed to a tactical breakdown of the actual factuals...

Okay, Point #1: "Shortys tend not to age gracefully". Yeah, I said it. Many of them don't. Particularly those who's livelihoods depend to a large part on their looks (actresses, entertainers, shake dancers, y'all know who). Case in point: Ol girl Faye Dunaway had this to say when told that her classic character Bonnie Parker would be played by young shorty Hilary Duff in the remake of the classic movie 'Bonnie & Clyde', 'Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?' Daaaang, Faye! Okay, Hil-Duff's no Cate Blanchett but that's some hater induced uncalledforness. What she's really saying is, 'Dang, I'm an old actress now and can only get roles playin' these young girls' grandmothers. I used to be hot like that'. Not surprisingly, Hil-Duff did the catty shorty thing and replied in kind sayin', 'I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know, uh, I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too'. As my girl NS Shorty would say, 'Oooooo, ouch'.

Now let's be honest, though. Homeboys suffer from this type of hateration too. You know we all have young buck high school or college age family members flexin regularly and notin' publicly how you've 'lost a step' or 'never had a step in the first place'. Yes, y'all it can be tough to admit that you've been bumped from the squad of warriors headed out on the hunt to the 'council of elders' plannin' village strategy. But I digress....

Point #2: "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned". A few cases? Monica Lewinsky, Heather Mills, Juanita Jordan, Lorena Bobbitt. Guess we can sure add Etta James' a$$ to that list. You listen to ol girl riffin' at her performance and you can read between every line. It goes a little somethin' like this, 'That bastard Smooth Barack! That ninja has the audacity to dance his first dance as President to *MY* song and not invite my black a$$ to sing it? We'll that mickey fickey can straight kiss my black a$$. And that Beyonce! Who the hell does she think she is? Who said she was God's gift and talented enough to sing *MY* song to the President? The crackheads in Harlem? That little hefer's $hit stinks just like mine...and her weave don't even look real! There. I said it! I don't even care that she played me in that tired little movie 'Cadillac Records'. Who saw that movie anyway? Beyonce, Jay-Z and two other people? Please. I'm Etta James, bitch! Y'all better recognize!' Or something to that effect.

Here's my advice to all y'all - Faye, Etta (extra advice - stop drinkin' alcohol before, during and after your shows...and take your pills like the doctor asked), mama - let it go. Y'all had your day! Do your part to keep America beautiful by gracefully movin' y'all old a$$es aside and makin' room for all the hot, young, sexys comin' up.

Okay - time for ol Ty to go before he gets hit with a brick.



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