Monday, February 16, 2009

Ty's Quarterly Dumb A$$ Awards

Wassup, Y'all!

Guess who's back?

Back and fired up, y'all! There's been a week's worth of triflin' shananigans goin' on which I feel are more than worth ol Ty dustin' off a new batch of Dumb A$$ statuettes. Now let me first hip y'all to the fact that the Dumb A$$ies, as we in the biz have taken to calling the awards, were actually inspired by my boy Cat Daddy who is quick to call someone a 'Dumb A$$'. It would go something like this:

Ty: 'Cat Daddy! Did you hear that Eddie Murphy got caught in an alley with a transvestite hooker?' Cat Daddy: 'He's a dumb a$$!' or Ty: Cat Daddy! Did you hear that Kobe Bryant got caught kickin' it with a hotel worker?' Cat Daddy: 'He's a dumb a$$!' See? It's pretty simple really. So check me after the jump for a fresh peep at all the 1Q09 winners...

#10 - DMX

All y'all know my boy 'X' has been wildin' out for a few now. Suffice it to say that all his legal troubles finally landed his rusty butt in AZ's Tent City Jail for a much needed timeout. But does homey *finally* settle down, play nice and just do his bid? Hell naw! That fool is still clownin'. He got smacked down gettin' all Etta James-like with the guards claimin' he'd kick they a$$es before finding out that the guards actually *run* the prison and can do things like put your dumb a$$ in solitary and feed you bread and water for a few.

#9 - RNC Chairman Michal Steele

Wow - how pathetic is it that the Republican Party, after realizing how out of touch it is with the national complexion of the nation, reaches out to find a southsider to head the Republican National Committee? Apparently not as pathetic as it is to know that kind of ruckus is afoot and still accept the position. So now for the last few weeks we've had to suffer through those whack sound bites from cousin talkin' 'bout, 'there ain't nothing wrong with the Republican message', blah, blah, blah. Now in the midst of the Republican boycott of the economic stimulus package, Mike Steal ignorantly proclaimed that, 'You and I know that in the history of mankind and womankind, government -- federal, state or local -- has never created one job.' Hmmm...homey must not have ever visited - there appear to be at least a couple jobs on that site. And if I'm not mistaken, he was a lieutenant governor of Maryland which I'm pretty sure is a government job. That ignorant comment more than qualifies homey as a Dumb A$$.

#8 - A-Rod

You gotta love how every ball player who gets asked, prior to getting caught, whether they've ever used 'performance enhancing drugs' always pops off a sincere 'No, never' while tryin' to pull off that indignant look that says, 'wow - I can't believe you even asked a player of my caliber that question - you must be a dumb a$$'. Then after gettin' cold caught, they talk some mess about, 'being young and stupid' and 'feeling the need to do something to keep up with the competition', but they never once mention what they really are - Dumb A$$es. At least you looked fly on TV with that sweater and the slicked down hair, homey. I'm sure all the ladies are still swoonin'.

#7 - Nadya Suleman

(6 kidz + 8 kidz) - (1 husband) - (1 steady income) + (0 common sense) = A Dumb A$$. Okay, I'll give her a little extra credit for tryin' to shake down media outlets to get some endz together but come on now! Well at least the Pro-Life crew has a poster child for life. I'm waiting to hear how they plan to donate some ducats to the cause...

#6 - Congressional Republicans

Three Republican votes for the economic stimulus package? That's childish. But that's okay. What goes around, comes around and we'll see what's playin better in Peoria come 2010. Y'all are some triflin' Neros fiddlin' around while the country burns. Here's a little something to ponder while y'all jack up those nervous high fives in the Capitol hallways the next few weeks - y'all Dumb A$$es.

#5 - Republican Senator John McCain

Concerned Hater #1. I can't believe that Smooth held a party in your honor the night before his inauguration. Citizen McCain - you're one ungrateful, played out, bitter, angry Dumb A$$ who will hopefully be fully retired from the game come 2010 (unless Axelrod's boyz retire you late one night on your way home before then...)

#4 - Republican Senator Judd Greggs

Let me get this straight. Either Smooth Barack's team comes to you or you go to them about becoming the next Commerce Secretary. Doesn't really matter. Now before all the news starts about you getting the nod and whether your home state governor is going to replace you with another Republican, bladda, bladda, bladda, wouldn't you at least kinda know you really didn't want the job in the first place? Why front and let this thing play out just to jump out at the last minute and claim it was because your Republican sensibilities were shocked at the economic stimulus plan steamrolling it's way through congress? Those are moves only a Dumb A$$ would display. Good luck shapin' economic policies from the cheap seats in the Senate.

#3 - Barack Obama

Y'all know it pains me to include Smooth Barack in this quarter's quota but I got to keep it real. First kudo's for getting the stimulus plan through and I appreciate the bipartisan attempt this time through but we see now that the Republican crew was clearly only out for the treats you laid out and had always planned on trickin' you into thinking that they would be even a tiny bit reasonable. If ol Ty learns later that you saw this comin and did it anyway, I'll retract the award but as it looks now, they played you for polical points. It's all good though - don't get mad, get even. Roll with it and let their chickens come home to roost in '10.

#2 - Rihanna

See #1

#1 - Chris Brown

What were you thinkin? Now I've heard all kinds of jibber-jabber surroundin' this literal ruckus. Ol girl was flirtin' with Timbaland, ol girl played the jealousy card, tried to jump bad and got beat down for her efforts. Dude, there's no excuse for beatin' a woman down like that except maybe self-defense. If she really has it comin' cause she's been beatin' on you, get one of your girls to drop her a$$ - cuz in all cases if it's you landin' the body blows, you're in jail postin' bail, Dumb A$$. Now if the rumors are true that she hacked your text messages got made when she saw some she didn't appreciate and tossed the keys of your rented Lamborghini out the window, well okay - I can maybe see a little pepper spray, but no fisticuffs, baby. That's just uncalled for.

Lifetime Achievement Dumb A$$ Award - Sarah Palin
Honorable Mention - The Economy



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