Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Father Knows Best ?

Wassup, Y'all!

When I first caught this show in reruns back in the day, I was tripping that any show could get on the air with a title like that. These days, sitcoms and commercials alike make it a point to make dear old dad look like a straight doofus. Old boy can't fix anything properly, can't dress himself, can't get from Point A to Point B in a car without getting lost (and then refusing to ask for directions), can't grill without blowing up the neighborhood, can't be trusted with power tools, blah, blah, blah. My, how times have changed from those heartwarming 'Father Knows Best' days. Put that same show on today and it would be called 'Father Couldn't Find His A$$ with a Handheld GPS'. Sad but true, y'all. So that's why I'm happy to dip back into yesteryear and finish what I started a few days ago. Namely, dropping the rest of the qualities that made a 'Good Wife' back in the day (and maybe need to be revisited for a few in *this* day to restore balance to the male/female universe). So let's get busy...

Tips #6 & #7:

"Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him."

Hmmm, sounds simple enough but all too often a king returns to his castle only to find his queen jibber-jabbering about her *jacked up* day and why so-and-so ain't sh#t because he made her girlfriend mad by eating her last pint of ice cream. Homegirls! Chill! Chances are a smile and a nice glass of Hpnotiq at the door will generate a little bling-bling for you down the road!

Tip #8:

"Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours."

Can't stress that enough, homegirls. His topics of conversation - sports, brew, cars, bathroom humor - are more important than yours...

Tip #9:

"Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax."

I don't know how many times I tried to impress this point on my old girl. I was like "Baby - I *need* to go to the shake club because I'm under a lot of stress and pressure that can only be relieved by me seeing a lot of naked woman swinging on poles in a smokey, dim lit room". I refuse to believe that's why I'm a bachelor today, y'all.

Tips #10 & #11:

"Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't greet him with complaints and problems."

I'm sensing a common theme here, y'all. It all boils down to 'No recreational jibber-jabbering when your man gets home to his crib'

Tip #11:

"Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day."

See my shake club comment above

Tips #12, #13 & 14:

"Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow or offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice."

Ahhh, wonder when we'd finally hit the bedroom, y'all. And note - they're already way ahead of me with some chilled Hpnotiq at the door. Great minds thinking alike... Also note - no screeching jibber-jabber at the door, homegirls - low, soothing and pleasant voice only. Think less Fran Dresher/Rosie Perez and more Vanessa Williams/Lela Rochon.

Tip #15:

"Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him."

Man, guys back in the day must have been at a bar or in the shake club *every* night with rules like these, jack! Wow fellas we devolved from 'master of the house' to 'doofus of the house' in only fifty short years...

Tip #16:

"A good wife always knows her place."

This one deserves a place in the Hall of Fame of Classic Sayings. Of course, if said in mixed company these days, you might end up missing a few chicklets from your grill cuz shortys don't play that in 2005!

And there you have it homeboys - a nostalgic glimpse of a time well past. I expect in a few more years these tips will get flipped and be standard tenets for 'The Good Husband'. If sitcom husbands are any indication of things to come, that time might already be here... In the meantime, I'm audi, y'all - I got to hurry home to draw my baby's bath and get that fire going!!



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