Sunday, October 02, 2005

The Thin Line Between Hottie & Hoochie

Wassup, Y'all!

You know, there's a reason why everybody needs a good friend, y'all. Good friends aren't scared to tell you your breath is kicking, that the four hours you spent on the dance floor left you smelling funky and for you shortys out there - that the outfit you pulled out of the closet to kick at the Emmys makes you look like a straight hoochie. Clearly our girl Tess Smith has no good friends as she boldly stepped on the Emmy red carpet in an outfit that can best be described as early American Hoochie. Tess - homegirl - come on now! So it should come as no surprise that old Tyrone feels compelled to step in and provide a quick PSA (Public Service Announcement) on award show, red carpet protocol and how *not* to cross the thin line between hottie (check me out after the jump, y'all) and HOOCHIE...

Now I'm all for those hot little outfits at the award shows that will get a homeboy's blood pumping. Those sexy little joints with the mile high slits up the side, those low cut numbers and those creative fashions with the backs that plunge down so far the actresses are about a millimeter away from busting out the plumber's crack. That's all good and all will land you firmly on the hottie side of the ledger. But when you need to hit your local detail shop for a Brazilian Wax that's more precise than any smart bomb ever created for the Defense Department, well homegirl, you've just crossed over to The Hoochie Zone. See the difference between bite-size shorty Eva Longoria at the MTV VMAs (hottie) and Tess 'The Girl From Ipenema' Smith? No? Well let's continue.

Now everybody remembers J-Lo during her pre Ben Affleck/Marc Anthony days when she was kicking it with Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy - y'all remember when she kicked that green wispy joint at the Grammys and folks learned the real purpose of double-sided tape? Now many of you out there will be going, 'oh yeah Tyrone - that outfit was hoochie-fied' but see I disagree. You see, having a little junk in your trunk gives you a little leeway on your fashion choices, so if say, Beyonce or Vida Guerra showed up primping in that joint, the only way you could lean was toward the hottie side. Keep up, y'all.

The flip side of that coin is everybody's favorite Queen Bee Jail Bird - Lil Kim (who happens to have a nice little cut on her hands with 'Put Ya Lighters Up' (tight hook, tight beat, rap needs a little somethin', somethin' tho...) so at least old girl can start her one year and one day perjury bid on a high note...). Now Lil Kim set the gold standard for hoochie haute couture when she stepped on the red carpet back in the day with the 'one in, one out' look popularized by the professional crackhead hoochies on the stroll on lower Wacker Drive. To this day I still don't know what old girl was thinking ('cept maybe - 'gee I might have a chance to make Tyrone Malone's Top Ten All-Time Hoochies list if I wear this one'). Y'all know this one's not hard to call. Granted it's easy on the eyes, but not hard to call.

So in the future, y'all when you're checking out the red carpet fashions, my advice: Keep It Simple. Forget about all that 'ohh she's wearing Vera Wang', 'ohh, she's wearing Donna Karan'. Just boil it down like old Ty into two simple categories - Hottie or Hoochie and see if you don't enjoy the proceedings that much more...



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