Thursday, October 06, 2005

Hey - where'd the Stepford Wives go??

Wassup, Y'all!

1955. That was a noteworthy year, y'all. Don't believe me? Well let me drop a few actual factuals on you and you can make up your own minds. The very first Mickey D's opened right up this way in Des Plains, Illinois. Disneyland opened out in Cali. Arsenio Hall was born and could be heard in the delivery room talkin' 'bout - "Let's Get Busy!" Your Pops came home and asked your moms to make him a drink and she actually did it.

Whoa - wait a second - what was that? That's right y'all, there was a time waaaaaay back in the day when shortys actually catered to their men. Yup - where do you think Destiny's Child got the material for their hit single 'Cater to U'? You know they cribbed those lyrics, y'all. I have it on good authority that Beyonce got her hands on an article in the May 13, 1955 Housekeeping Monthly Magazine titled "The Good Wife's Guide" and a day later had the girls in the studio. Fortunately for y'all, I happen to come across said article thanks to my girl Sexy Northside Shorty and I'm still trying to jack my jaw up off the floor. Join me after the jump for an unbelievable trip down memory lane...

Truth be told y'all there's so much material this will have to be a serial posting which unfolds over a few posts cuz I'm not *about* to leave anything out. It's just too juicy. So homeboys, go grab that special shorty and have her join you at the monitor and tell her 'How To Be A Good Wife' class is in session, jack!

Tip #1:

"Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed."

That's what I'm talking about, y'all - the warm welcome needed when I fall back through the crib! Southside shortys, please note the phrase "on time" - 1955 shortys didn't use CP time as a cover for why dinner wasn't hot and fresh out the oven, neither should you!!

Tip #2:

"Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people."

Hear that? No pink velour sweats when your man gets home! Be fresh looking - not fresh mouthed. And drop a couple Washingtons for some ribbons down at the dollar store - it won't kill you!

Tip #3:

"Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it."

See? Y'all got duties! Be interesting - no one wants to hear about your mama or your girl's latest issues. Your man wants to hear the sports scores and what outfit you just picked up from Victoria's Secret.

Tip #4:

"Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives."

You'd be surprised what's still around before you make that last trip, homegirls. Be thorough - sweep up those raggedy Press-on Nails and that hair weave tumbleweed blowing across the carpet.

Tip #5:

"Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction."

Look y'all. There's just no excuse not to have a fire roaring and a tight snifter of brandy or yak (see I prefer a nice chilled glass of Hpnotiq myself...) waiting on your man over the cooler months. See, I like this one cuz y'all also get a lift from catering to your man - it's two for one, homegirls and y'all know how much you like those bargains.

Okay, I think that's enough to absorb for one night. Shortys - let those tips marinate with you for a few before you roll by the crib and try to firebomb my mama's house. I won't be there anyway - you know I got to lay low after dropping tips like these in 2005. Anyway, I ain't scared cuz I'm flexin' with my 50 Cent G-Unit Kevlar, baby, so go sell Thelma and Louise someplace else cuz old Tyrone ain't buying tonight.

Meet me back here in a few for the "Good Wife's Guide" Part II - it almost like R. Kelly's 'Trapped in the Closet" series, y'all!



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