Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Three Faces of Lil Kim...

Wassup, Y'all!

I know, I know. This post has been brewing for the longest and it was taking me so long to finish that I though Lil Kim might finish her bid before I finally got it out! Lucky for y'all she's still doing her time for her crime and I can help everyone step back and appreciate what it's like to go from Queen Bee to Jail Bird in style. You see, like Martha Stewart and Sam Waxel before her, Lil Kim decide to kick it at a 'Going Away' party before starting her bid at that cushy Philly Federal Detention Center. Here she go giving an opening shout out to her peeps as the festivities kick off. Folks are feeling good, the Cristal is flowing, Jacob the Jeweler is somewhere up in that piece dropping bling into shiny give-away bags filled for all the guests, and everybody is smiling and clapping and telling Lil Kim to 'stay strong, girl!'. You'll see that as the evening progresses, the realization that her little butt is headed to federal lockup (in Philly no less) begins to mess up her high. Read on y'all...

First of all, if you ask me - it seems to be far easier to start your bid straight out of the court house as soon as the sentence is handed down. This whole deal of getting four or five weeks to 'report' to prison seems like a recipe designed to have you rolling down the expressway in a white bronco with your boy, a passport and a bag full of cash!

Spike Lee did a tight job of portraying this process in his movie '25th Hour' starring Edward Norton. If you haven't seen it, check that joint out and think about how rough it would be to actually have to live that transition. Here, we see our girl Lil Kim mugging with Mary J. Blige who's stopped by to lend her support. Mary's probably giving her some sisterly advice about 'Once you get into lockup, don't be hugging up on anybody like this, girl. You hear me?'

Eventually, though the Cris bottles are empty, R. Kelly has found some little tenderoni to take back up to the suite and Jacob the Jeweler is going around handing out bills for bling the guests thought was free. It's around this time that it dawns on Lil Kim that the party is literally over. She's going to have to trade her little blue satin number for some faded prison blues that she wants to be really, really, really baggy. The alcohol inspired braggadocio fades away to boo-boo lips as she hops a ride from the spot toward a one year and one day future that will likely involve industrial strength playette hatin', cat calls at all hours ('Yo Queen Bee - why don't you rap about how I'm gonna tap dat a$$ tomorrow after dinner!') and steering clear of all long handled objects. The upside is her time inside will cement her street cred in the hip-hop world and knowing Lil Kim, she'll be crafty enough to work on her material on the inside so she can drop a quick album a few days after she gets sprung.

In the meantime, for all y'all busters thinking about lying in court or just being straight felonious, take a good look at that boo-boo lip glossy and picture yourself on your way to lock up. Better yet, rent '25th Hour' and live that ride in living color then ask yourself would I rather be drinking Cris on the outside or 'married' to Chris on the inside? Cola nut. Un-Cola nut. You decide...



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