Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Kanye, Naomi and the Sippy Sip

Wassup, Y'all!

Riddle me this, Batman: What's bigger than North America but can fit into a container the size of a pea? Give up? It's Kanye West's ego, y'all. By now I'm sure you've heard about his latest dust up at last week's MTV European Music Awards where after losing the Best Video Award to a group called Justice v. Simians he hopped up onstage during their acceptance speech claiming that he was done wrong - again. Now I like Kanye's music, but this buster gives new meaning to the phrase 'legend in your own mind'...

Homey truly believes that everything is does is gold and if it's not so recognized, it not because something else was better it was because your foolish a$ didn't know any better. In this case, KW pushed out a meager apology chalking up his jacked up behavior to the 'sippy sip' (aka dranking). Man, alcohol gets blamed for as much bad behavior as the dog does for pooting and in most cases both are innocent bystanders to folks with no self control.

Getting back to that riddle, y'all - that container would be Kanye's pea sized brain. Given his repeated shenanigans when losing awards to other artists and Naomi Campbell's repeated shenanigans with cell phones and domestic help, a brother has to wonder what the world would be like if those two got together and had twins:

Flash forward eight years, y'all: Little Kanye and Little Naomi are in second grade (and in the last school that will accept them before home schooling becomes their only option...).

Little Naomi is sitting in class taking a test when she looks up, snaps her fingers and points to the mug of hot chocolate on her desk. "Mrs. Rugmuffin, I need you to freshen this up for me...and how about a few marshmellows to go with?" To which Mrs. Rugmuffin replies, "Little Naomi, I'm a teacher not a maid. You're lucky I'm even letting you drink hot chocolate during a test." When Mrs. Rugmuffin looks back down at her book, Little Naomi takes her stapler out of her desk and bounces it off Mrs. Rugmuffin's bean. "Do you know who I am? Do you know who my mama is? You're lucky I'm even taking your tired little test." The mug of hot chocolate flies to the front of the room next just as security comes to haul Little Naomi off...

Little Kanye is standing next to his science project at the annual science fair waiting for the judges to award the prizes. The judges look over his project - the same, tired erupting volcano they see each year - and the other project, a detailed study of the effects of urban living on long term southside health. First prize ribbon goes to the urban living study, second prize ribbon goes to Little Kanye's volcano. When Little Kanye sees the ribbon he starts clowning: "Oh snap! That's some ol bull$hit. Are you people blind? My $hit's got baking soda and erupts and everything! You see those little army men on the side? And those little bushes? Do you even know what a volcano is? Obviously not, cuz this $hit is off the meter. Do you know who my father is?"

Nuclear winter would be a future less bleak than that nonsense. I think it's time to stop indulging all that whack behavior and just lock those two in a room together and see which one sucks out all the air first jibber-jabbering about how important they are. Then once they pass out, put them in a pair of jogging suits and drop them off in Darfur for a year-long sabbatical so they can finally begin to understand what's really important...



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