Wanda Sykes Rocks, Then Thrown Under Bus

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ty's Sweet Tweets

Wassup, Y'all!

I just wanted to let y'all know that not only am I back postin' I'm back Tweetin' via Twitter too. Y'all can follow the exploits on ol Ty's Twitter Feed. I'm droppin' plenty of tweets during the day, y'all - even scooped that Oprah chicken thing that could have gotten you a free grilled 2 piece (no hot pepper or hot sauce tho).  You can either subscribe to the feed or check the sidebar on the right to see what ol Ty's up to.  Don't say I didn't tell you!

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Smooth Barack's Swagga

Wassup, Y'all!

The other night when I watched Smooth Barack's latest primetime news conference, I noted at the beginning they always have that obligatory long walk down the hallway before steppin' up to the podium and ol Ty further noticed that Smooth was kickin' the 'pimp walk' all the way down. Now before y'all get all up on me about using the term 'pimp' and 'Smooth' in the same sentence, note that this is a southside, non-derogatory term. In this context all it means is a cool walk - all relaxed and what not. George Jefferson had an exaggerated version of it back in the day as did cowboy tough guy John Wayne. These days the new term for 'pimp walk' is 'swagga' and as I came to realize, I'm not the only one noticing Smooth's cool a$$ walk. CNN recently got big time cracked on for devoting air time to 'The Presidential Swagga' and even intro'd the piece with a the M.I.A sample of 'Swagga Like Us'. Can't say that crew ain't desperate for news creative....

If you ask me, things are gettin' pretty superficial, y'all. I see more ink spent on 'Chelle's clothes and hair styles than I do on her remaking of the role of the First Lady by being an active mom, volunteer whirlwind *and* First Lady of the nation. Ol girl does have a degree from Harvard you know - it ain't all about J-Crew and White House / Black Market y'all silly rabbits. But I digress.

I always get a good chuckle from hearing my northside homeys (like CNN's Kyra Phillips) droppin' some southside slang like 'swagga' and 'flava'. To her credit, she almost pulled it off - it wasn't as awkward as if say Betty White or Martha Stewart tried to drop those same terms but it was still awkward. However I like the fact that they aren't afraid to dip into such observations about the cultural differences. Kinda reminds me of that old bit from 'Airplane!' where the brothers are talking their jive and the stewardess needs someone to translate and an old northside woman volunteers. That joint's *still* funny!

We need more of that so our northside homeys won't feel threatened or left out by something that's completely innocent - it's just a part of the culture. So ol Ty is appreciatin' Smooth's swagga and ESPN's Stewart Scott's full body embrace of southside slang on the air and filmmakers who don't water down their southside movies so that everyone can get the gags. 

Case in point, I'm up in the show checking out the trailers before that Nicolas Cage movie, 'Knowing' - it's about 20 northsiders and me. Up pops the trailer to that new joint 'Next Day Air' about some delivery guys who accidently deliver a box of cocaine to the wrong apartment much to the glee of Mike Epps and Wood Harris. It's a straight homeys in the hood comedy and you could have heard the crickets chirping in the theater if I hadn't have been crackin' up  - just me, myself and Ty, y'all. Now if that had been the trailer to 'Pineapple Express' or 'Observe and Report' the whole joint would have been crackin' up - includin' ol Ty - so what's the difference??

Knowledge is power - ain't nothing to be scurred of y'all. We don't bite...except for that ludacris Mike Tyson... Y'all need to be more like the aforementioned Nicolas Cage. See his real name was Nicolas Coppola (of the Coppola family fame). Turns out homey is an avid comic book fan and took his stage name, 'Cage' from the comic book character 'Luke Cage' - one of the few southside superheroes. Homey gets it. We need more of that. Y'all feel me on the real, home slice? Check it.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Terrence Howard: The Crying Game

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm all about dignity and self respect, y'all and I have to admit that ol Ty is feelin' that Terrence Howard is losin' a bit of his like his weak a$$ movie director character in 'Crash' where he's sittin' on the curb while some rogue LAPD officers grope his wife. Yeah - that may be harsh but it seems to me that ol boy cooked his own goose with this Iron Man thing.

For those who missed the actuals factuals on that one, it goes a little something like this: T-How was cast in the first Iron Man movie as Tony Stark's sidekick, Rhodey (a significant part in the comic so it likely would eventually become a significant part in this big money movie franchise). He's the highest paid actor in the movie despite not being the star. Either demands for similar payment for IM2, bad set behavior on IM1 or both caused the movie makers to show him the door. As actors are known to do, they mistakenly assume they're irreplaceable but T-How found out first hand just how replaceable he was when the movie makers decided to recast my main man Don Cheadle for the role and leave T-How a$$ out. *sigh* When will they ever learn?...

This is a common Hollywood story, y'all. Don't get it twisted into a Southside/Northside thing. Northside actors have been gettin' drop kicked the same way. Remember David Caruso who was hotter than the sun fresh off the first season of 'NYPD Blue'? Ol boy got the big head, got dropped from  Season Two and spent some tall years in the casting wilderness before landing a key role in 'CSI: Miami'. His career though will never reach those NYPD Blue heights again. The *only* time this works is if the whole cast is in on the embargo, like that 'Friends' crew. They knew each one of they a$$es could be replaced individually, but there was no way the show could really go on if they all got recast. End result there? Copious Coinage. End result for T-How? A case of Whine with a side helping of The Bitters.

Ol boy needs to be careful before he gets branded 'difficult' and finds himself playin' more roles that WHACK Bah Humbug in 'The Perfect Holiday'. A worse movie character ol Ty has NEVER seen. The only thing that saved that movie from a dreaded ZERO spinners was Charlie Murphy and Kat Williams and they could only bump that joint up to a ONE. A word to the wise T-How from a brother who knows - it's hard out there for a pimp. Stop makin' it harder. Shut up, do your thing and make them regret the decision.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Why Johnny's a Broke A$$

Wassup, Y'all!

Remember those little exposés that used to come out back in the day exposing the poor job the school system was doing educating tomorrow's youth? Y'all know the ones - 'Why Can't Johnny Read?', 'Why Can't Johnny Write?', 'Why Can't Johnny Get A Damn Job And Move Out?'. Well Sports Illustrated - SI to you and me - started wondering why, after being given so much, that athletes tended to end up broke more often than not.

Before reading the article ol Ty was all like, "If I could just get me some of that T-O money life would be all good. Crack crib, fleet of cars, easy access to VIP (where I'd find Dwayne Wade hobnobbin' with Sanaa Lathan and Gabrielle Union), enough singles to make it rain down at Magic City every night and not have to worry about picking my singles back up like Pac-Man Jones' cheap a$$". That's a pretty good bedtime story, y'all, but just as karma tends to even out life, that other truism that 'a fool and his money are soon parted' seems to apply particularly well to athletes...

The article is pretty eye-opening. It throws around some ridiculous actual factuals like:

• By the time they have been retired for two years, 78% of former NFL players have gone bankrupt or are under financial stress because of joblessness or divorce (more on that later)
• Within five years of retirement, an estimated 60% of former NBA players are broke

Now don't go thinkin' that the recent 'economic downturn' had anything to do with this. These knuckleheads were throwin' their chedda out the car window even during the Clinton boom years.

Much of this is attributed to young minds who don't 'have time' to be bothered with the boring details of their money - like how it should last them their entire lives. Instead they outsource the management of their money to third party crooks family members or accountants who are always happy to handle millions of dollars no questions asked. It seems to me that if young southside athletes are going to listen to anybody it would be someone that looks like them and is clockin' major figures like Oprah who consistently says that she *always* signs every check that goes out. Instead it's how many cars can I get, how can I get a Shaq or Kobe crib or 'my boy Rolly really needs a recording studio to jump start his rap career'. Those boyz are all heart and no head - at least no 'big head'.

The 'little head' has also led many a brother into financial ruin. Kanye broke it down with Jamie in 'Golddigger'. There's a reason why honeys don't mess with broke brothers - there's no instant upside. Mess with a rich brother on the other hand and this too can be you Juanita Jordan. According to the article, the divorce rate for pro athletes ranges from 60%-80% and husbands 'routinely lose half of their net worth'. Understandably, agents - to whom athletes are their bread and butter, 'very strongly' recommend pre-nups yet the percentage of pre-nups among athletes is appreciably lower compared with nonathletes at the same economic level. Whaaat? Talk about nose wide open. 

Still I have to give it up to my boy Dikembe Mutombo. His girl refused to sign a pre-nup the day before their wedding (okay - that is tacky timing). 500 guests were converging on the wedding site - including Dikembe's crew from the Democratic Republic of Congo, yet ol girl still said, 'Hell no' and Dikembe called off the wedding and had to come out of his pocket to the tune of $250K to pay everything off. I guess women without pre-nups also don't fly in 'the House of Mutombo'. Daaaaaaaang, 'Kembe! Don't hurt 'em like that!!

With money flowing like this can a 'Tyrone Malone Athletic Financial Services' business be too far behind? I think not. After all - I still need to get me some of that T-O money, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The REAL Stedman Graham

Wassup, Y'all!

Now you know ol Ty's been wolfin' about Oprah's man's cushy gig for a while now. Mainly I've been pushin' back on the shortys askin' them why they think it's okay for Big O to have Stedman as as 'kept man' year after year but if Steddy was the one with all the loot and he played Big O like that, they'd be screamin' bloody murder about how homeboy 'needs to be a man' and step up to his commitments. That, basement dwellers, is what ol Ty calls a ridiculous double standard. 

In the meantime, homeys the world over are hatin' big time on a brother who can seemingly have his cake (enjoy the spoils of Big O's loot) and eat it too (not be bothered with getting married to enjoy the spoils of Big O's loot). But one thing as always bothered ol Ty - just what does Steddy do when Big O comes callin' in the bedroom? Well it seems that Comedy Central has that all figured out...

Now I'm not gonna give it all away, but apparently - according to the video - Steddy has come up with an ingenious way to dodge Big O's amorous advances. Now some of you homey's who have become used to the airbrushed Oprah on the cover of her magazine may ask, 'Man - why even dodge Oprah? Ol girl's kinda cute'. Au contraire, Petite Pierre. Steddy knows better, y'all. There's a bit of a difference between O Magazine Oprah and 'Just Rolled Out Of Bed Oprah' - quite a bit. Yes, I know that's triflin' but if you don't believe me, look at what Tony Parker wakes up to. Good googly-moogly.

The moral to this story fellas? All that glitters ain't gold...unless you're helpin' Oprah stack her chedda.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The Return of Tyrone Malone

Wassup, Y'all!

First - sorry for the long pause for the cause. Second - it's good to be back. Third, 'Where you been, Ty?'

I know many of you have been thinking that ol Ty had gone Hollywood. That he left his millions of adoring blog fans to pursue the almight dollar, date a few Hollywood starlets and spend his late nights and early mornings hittin' all the clubs and swillin' down bottles of Patron up in VIP. Naw, as appealing as that ruckus sounds, ol Ty's absence from the stage was caused by a much more down to earth circumstance...

For the last six weeks ol Ty has been spending time with Papa Malone who had been battling cancer for the last couple years. I realize that I haven't made mention of PM on the blog since my main residence is in Mama Malone's basement but rest assured that PM has been just as big an influence on ol Ty's life. I'm sorry to report that Papa Malone passed on the morning of April 3rd and I've been one grieving brother.

During the last six weeks while PM's illness went from bad to worse, I couldn't bring myself to blog, y'all because the humor just wasn't in me. Even now it's a little hard to dredge up but since my humor flowed directly from Papa Malone, I know that ol boy would want me to keep on keepin' on.

So I'll be back into regular rotation on Monday. I've been collectin' a few choice tidbits over the interim. Before I go, ol Ty would like to give a major shout out to my web girl Diva over at 3BlackChicks.com for hollerin' at a brother during a dark time and reminding him that bloggin' it out can also help get a brother back on the straight and narrow. Thanks, homegirl - your reach out was timely indeed.

So buckle up, y'all. The basement's back in effect. Pop back in on Monday to get back into the actual factuals.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

He's Coming...

Wassup, Y'all!

Get ready... The wait is almost over... What's he been doing? Where's he been? What's the deal? It's been a long time, he shouldn't have left you without a dope blog to read through. Your boy is getting ready to re-enter the building. Keep a look out.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Rza is Ty's Nza

Wassup, Y'all!

Knowin' that a brother doesn't have much time these days, my human TV RSS feed NS Shorty hipped ol Ty to that recent HBO special: The Black List, Vol. 2 (Ironic no? Yeah - NS Shorty's cool like that, yo). The skinny on this joint is that it's an eclectic collection of segments of a number of southsiders - educators, artists, politicians - all riffin' on the unique experiences that make notable. Now when Rza's a$$ came on I'm like - what's this Wu Tang fool got to offer among the likes of Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick and entertainment producer Suzanne de Passe (who gave us Michael Jackson and the J5, y'all)? We'll y'all know ol Ty can be quick to judge sometimes and with respect to homeboy Rza I found that to be an understatement...

See, most times, ol Ty don't have time to suffer fools gladly and the hip-hop world has a way of hiding a lot of diamonds behind a lot of dusty a$$ coal (take that anyway you want to). So here comes Rza and he starts talkin' about Asian history, his love for and study of chess and the time he takes out to motivate kids. So I ease my finger off the fast forward button and listen to the brother. He says at one such talk that one kid in the front row challenged him about living outside the hood, askin', 'Why you not keepin' it real? Why you ain't in the hood?'

Rza dropped it like this, y'all. 'Hold on. You think people *want* to be in the hood? You think I want to be somewhere where I got someone living on top of me, beneath me and on both side of me? When I walk outside I got rapists, the guns the drugs all concentrated in a four block radius? I have five acres now - nah mean? Me and my son appreciate that. We walk to the mailbox yo and I can let him walk 100 feet in front of me, nah mean? Just being a boy. When I was growin' up in the hood I couldn't wait to be the f**k out of there.'

Now I know some of y'all will be all like, 'but Ty we can't abandon the hood'. Ol Ty contends, like Rza, that some parts of the hood do need to be abandoned, bulldozed and rebooted from scratch. Y'all know the spots of which I type. Don't front. So I can appreciate brother Rza all the more keepin' it real on that point. Now that aforementioned jibber-jabber would have been enough for ol Ty, but then Rza had to go get all philosophical and drop a strong a$$ closing that went something like, 'I've had a chance to see the Shoaling Temple in China, the Wu Tang Mountains in China, the Pyramids of Egypt, the Coliseum - many historical sites and I realized that we've always had a lot of scientific knowledge. Black Kings throughout history. My presence - our presence - has always been there. It's just been buried under a lot of sand.'

Rza - don't hurt 'em, homey! Got to give it up to brother Rza, y'all. Another brother I completely misjudged. Man, I may just have to tip on over to iTunes and cop me some Wu Tang...or at least some Chris Rock Pootie Tang.  Anyway, if y'all missed it, you may want to go hunt down The Black List - both volumes 1 & 2, take a pause for the cause and appreciate your fam.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty! What's the Deal, Homey??

Wassup, Y'all!

I know y'all are missin' a brother - I miss me some me too, but there's been a little drama at Casa Malone. Seems Mama Malone was tired of have a 'grown a$$ man' (her phrase y'all, not mine) livin' up in her basement all rent free. Yes, I'm sad to say that the economic downturn has finally effected ol Ty. To help make ends meet, mama dropped an ultimatum on a brother so I had to get one of my boyz to hook me up with a (*gasp*!) job.

So now The Man's got ol Ty ALL STRUNG OUT! Got a brother slavin' into all hours of the day and night to pad his damn pockets with some paper. Somehow mama doesn't see the injustice of this all - she just likes the regular residuals hittin' her pocket book. So there you have it, y'all. Yet another jacked up turn of events thanks to GW's 'economic downturn'. Ol Ty dearly hopes to get back into regular rotation again once I can figure out how to get some fool to do my work for me (all Tom Sawyer like). Until then, things will be pretty spotty but don't think I won't be comin' back to handle my mine like you know I do.  Keep the faith, y'all! 

Peace@Least,

Tyrone