Rza is Ty's Nza

Wassup, Y'all!

Knowin' that a brother doesn't have much time these days, my human TV RSS feed NS Shorty hipped ol Ty to that recent HBO special: The Black List, Vol. 2 (Ironic no? Yeah - NS Shorty's cool like that, yo). The skinny on this joint is that it's an eclectic collection of segments of a number of southsiders - educators, artists, politicians - all riffin' on the unique experiences that make notable. Now when Rza's a$$ came on I'm like - what's this Wu Tang fool got to offer among the likes of Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick and entertainment producer Suzanne de Passe (who gave us Michael Jackson and the J5, y'all)? We'll y'all know ol Ty can be quick to judge sometimes and with respect to homeboy Rza I found that to be an understatement...

See, most times, ol Ty don't have time to suffer fools gladly and the hip-hop world has a way of hiding a lot of diamonds behind a lot of dusty a$$ coal (take that anyway you want to). So here comes Rza and he starts talkin' about Asian history, his love for and study of chess and the time he takes out to motivate kids. So I ease my finger off the fast forward button and listen to the brother. He says at one such talk that one kid in the front row challenged him about living outside the hood, askin', 'Why you not keepin' it real? Why you ain't in the hood?'

Rza dropped it like this, y'all. 'Hold on. You think people *want* to be in the hood? You think I want to be somewhere where I got someone living on top of me, beneath me and on both side of me? When I walk outside I got rapists, the guns the drugs all concentrated in a four block radius? I have five acres now - nah mean? Me and my son appreciate that. We walk to the mailbox yo and I can let him walk 100 feet in front of me, nah mean? Just being a boy. When I was growin' up in the hood I couldn't wait to be the f**k out of there.'

Now I know some of y'all will be all like, 'but Ty we can't abandon the hood'. Ol Ty contends, like Rza, that some parts of the hood do need to be abandoned, bulldozed and rebooted from scratch. Y'all know the spots of which I type. Don't front. So I can appreciate brother Rza all the more keepin' it real on that point. Now that aforementioned jibber-jabber would have been enough for ol Ty, but then Rza had to go get all philosophical and drop a strong a$$ closing that went something like, 'I've had a chance to see the Shoaling Temple in China, the Wu Tang Mountains in China, the Pyramids of Egypt, the Coliseum - many historical sites and I realized that we've always had a lot of scientific knowledge. Black Kings throughout history. My presence - our presence - has always been there. It's just been buried under a lot of sand.'

Rza - don't hurt 'em, homey! Got to give it up to brother Rza, y'all. Another brother I completely misjudged. Man, I may just have to tip on over to iTunes and cop me some Wu Tang...or at least some Chris Rock Pootie Tang.  Anyway, if y'all missed it, you may want to go hunt down The Black List - both volumes 1 & 2, take a pause for the cause and appreciate your fam.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty! What's the Deal, Homey??

Wassup, Y'all!

I know y'all are missin' a brother - I miss me some me too, but there's been a little drama at Casa Malone. Seems Mama Malone was tired of have a 'grown a$$ man' (her phrase y'all, not mine) livin' up in her basement all rent free. Yes, I'm sad to say that the economic downturn has finally effected ol Ty. To help make ends meet, mama dropped an ultimatum on a brother so I had to get one of my boyz to hook me up with a (*gasp*!) job.

So now The Man's got ol Ty ALL STRUNG OUT! Got a brother slavin' into all hours of the day and night to pad his damn pockets with some paper. Somehow mama doesn't see the injustice of this all - she just likes the regular residuals hittin' her pocket book. So there you have it, y'all. Yet another jacked up turn of events thanks to GW's 'economic downturn'. Ol Ty dearly hopes to get back into regular rotation again once I can figure out how to get some fool to do my work for me (all Tom Sawyer like). Until then, things will be pretty spotty but don't think I won't be comin' back to handle my mine like you know I do.  Keep the faith, y'all! 

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty's Quarterly Dumb A$$ Awards

Wassup, Y'all!

Guess who's back?

Back and fired up, y'all! There's been a week's worth of triflin' shananigans goin' on which I feel are more than worth ol Ty dustin' off a new batch of Dumb A$$ statuettes. Now let me first hip y'all to the fact that the Dumb A$$ies, as we in the biz have taken to calling the awards, were actually inspired by my boy Cat Daddy who is quick to call someone a 'Dumb A$$'. It would go something like this:

Ty: 'Cat Daddy! Did you hear that Eddie Murphy got caught in an alley with a transvestite hooker?' Cat Daddy: 'He's a dumb a$$!' or Ty: Cat Daddy! Did you hear that Kobe Bryant got caught kickin' it with a hotel worker?' Cat Daddy: 'He's a dumb a$$!' See? It's pretty simple really. So check me after the jump for a fresh peep at all the 1Q09 winners...

#10 - DMX

All y'all know my boy 'X' has been wildin' out for a few now. Suffice it to say that all his legal troubles finally landed his rusty butt in AZ's Tent City Jail for a much needed timeout. But does homey *finally* settle down, play nice and just do his bid? Hell naw! That fool is still clownin'. He got smacked down gettin' all Etta James-like with the guards claimin' he'd kick they a$$es before finding out that the guards actually *run* the prison and can do things like put your dumb a$$ in solitary and feed you bread and water for a few.

#9 - RNC Chairman Michal Steele

Wow - how pathetic is it that the Republican Party, after realizing how out of touch it is with the national complexion of the nation, reaches out to find a southsider to head the Republican National Committee? Apparently not as pathetic as it is to know that kind of ruckus is afoot and still accept the position. So now for the last few weeks we've had to suffer through those whack sound bites from cousin talkin' 'bout, 'there ain't nothing wrong with the Republican message', blah, blah, blah. Now in the midst of the Republican boycott of the economic stimulus package, Mike Steal ignorantly proclaimed that, 'You and I know that in the history of mankind and womankind, government -- federal, state or local -- has never created one job.' Hmmm...homey must not have ever visited Usajobs.gov - there appear to be at least a couple jobs on that site. And if I'm not mistaken, he was a lieutenant governor of Maryland which I'm pretty sure is a government job. That ignorant comment more than qualifies homey as a Dumb A$$.

#8 - A-Rod

You gotta love how every ball player who gets asked, prior to getting caught, whether they've ever used 'performance enhancing drugs' always pops off a sincere 'No, never' while tryin' to pull off that indignant look that says, 'wow - I can't believe you even asked a player of my caliber that question - you must be a dumb a$$'. Then after gettin' cold caught, they talk some mess about, 'being young and stupid' and 'feeling the need to do something to keep up with the competition', but they never once mention what they really are - Dumb A$$es. At least you looked fly on TV with that sweater and the slicked down hair, homey. I'm sure all the ladies are still swoonin'.

#7 - Nadya Suleman

(6 kidz + 8 kidz) - (1 husband) - (1 steady income) + (0 common sense) = A Dumb A$$. Okay, I'll give her a little extra credit for tryin' to shake down media outlets to get some endz together but come on now! Well at least the Pro-Life crew has a poster child for life. I'm waiting to hear how they plan to donate some ducats to the cause...

#6 - Congressional Republicans

Three Republican votes for the economic stimulus package? That's childish. But that's okay. What goes around, comes around and we'll see what's playin better in Peoria come 2010. Y'all are some triflin' Neros fiddlin' around while the country burns. Here's a little something to ponder while y'all jack up those nervous high fives in the Capitol hallways the next few weeks - y'all Dumb A$$es.

#5 - Republican Senator John McCain

Concerned Hater #1. I can't believe that Smooth held a party in your honor the night before his inauguration. Citizen McCain - you're one ungrateful, played out, bitter, angry Dumb A$$ who will hopefully be fully retired from the game come 2010 (unless Axelrod's boyz retire you late one night on your way home before then...)

#4 - Republican Senator Judd Greggs

Let me get this straight. Either Smooth Barack's team comes to you or you go to them about becoming the next Commerce Secretary. Doesn't really matter. Now before all the news starts about you getting the nod and whether your home state governor is going to replace you with another Republican, bladda, bladda, bladda, wouldn't you at least kinda know you really didn't want the job in the first place? Why front and let this thing play out just to jump out at the last minute and claim it was because your Republican sensibilities were shocked at the economic stimulus plan steamrolling it's way through congress? Those are moves only a Dumb A$$ would display. Good luck shapin' economic policies from the cheap seats in the Senate.

#3 - Barack Obama

Y'all know it pains me to include Smooth Barack in this quarter's quota but I got to keep it real. First kudo's for getting the stimulus plan through and I appreciate the bipartisan attempt this time through but we see now that the Republican crew was clearly only out for the treats you laid out and had always planned on trickin' you into thinking that they would be even a tiny bit reasonable. If ol Ty learns later that you saw this comin and did it anyway, I'll retract the award but as it looks now, they played you for polical points. It's all good though - don't get mad, get even. Roll with it and let their chickens come home to roost in '10.

#2 - Rihanna

See #1

#1 - Chris Brown

What were you thinkin? Now I've heard all kinds of jibber-jabber surroundin' this literal ruckus. Ol girl was flirtin' with Timbaland, ol girl played the jealousy card, tried to jump bad and got beat down for her efforts. Dude, there's no excuse for beatin' a woman down like that except maybe self-defense. If she really has it comin' cause she's been beatin' on you, get one of your girls to drop her a$$ - cuz in all cases if it's you landin' the body blows, you're in jail postin' bail, Dumb A$$. Now if the rumors are true that she hacked your text messages got made when she saw some she didn't appreciate and tossed the keys of your rented Lamborghini out the window, well okay - I can maybe see a little pepper spray, but no fisticuffs, baby. That's just uncalled for.

Lifetime Achievement Dumb A$$ Award - Sarah Palin
Honorable Mention - The Economy

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Etta to Beyonce: I'm Etta James, Bi#ch!

Wassup, Y'all!

I was all set to post on my recent jailhouse interview with OJ when I caught a snippet of a radio show talkin' 'bout Etta James. My first thought was, 'Dang! Ol girl died a little more than a month after my girl Eartha Kitt passed'. But oh no, y'all - ol Etta still hasn't gotten to that great gettin' up morning yet. Nope - ol girl was just caught rockin' some raucous disses on Beyonce *and* my boy Smooth Barack. It's audio only but you can clearly hear her dissin' on Smooth's ears and plainly statin' that she'd 'whip Beyonce's' a$$ if they ever square off in a dark alley. Wow. Let me also state it plainly for, y'all just in case your mama never taught you right - 1) a lot of shortys tend not to age gracefully and 2) hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Let's proceed to a tactical breakdown of the actual factuals...

Okay, Point #1: "Shortys tend not to age gracefully". Yeah, I said it. Many of them don't. Particularly those who's livelihoods depend to a large part on their looks (actresses, entertainers, shake dancers, y'all know who). Case in point: Ol girl Faye Dunaway had this to say when told that her classic character Bonnie Parker would be played by young shorty Hilary Duff in the remake of the classic movie 'Bonnie & Clyde', 'Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?' Daaaang, Faye! Okay, Hil-Duff's no Cate Blanchett but that's some hater induced uncalledforness. What she's really saying is, 'Dang, I'm an old actress now and can only get roles playin' these young girls' grandmothers. I used to be hot like that'. Not surprisingly, Hil-Duff did the catty shorty thing and replied in kind sayin', 'I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know, uh, I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too'. As my girl NS Shorty would say, 'Oooooo, ouch'.

Now let's be honest, though. Homeboys suffer from this type of hateration too. You know we all have young buck high school or college age family members flexin regularly and notin' publicly how you've 'lost a step' or 'never had a step in the first place'. Yes, y'all it can be tough to admit that you've been bumped from the squad of warriors headed out on the hunt to the 'council of elders' plannin' village strategy. But I digress....

Point #2: "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned". A few cases? Monica Lewinsky, Heather Mills, Juanita Jordan, Lorena Bobbitt. Guess we can sure add Etta James' a$$ to that list. You listen to ol girl riffin' at her performance and you can read between every line. It goes a little somethin' like this, 'That bastard Smooth Barack! That ninja has the audacity to dance his first dance as President to *MY* song and not invite my black a$$ to sing it? We'll that mickey fickey can straight kiss my black a$$. And that Beyonce! Who the hell does she think she is? Who said she was God's gift and talented enough to sing *MY* song to the President? The crackheads in Harlem? That little hefer's $hit stinks just like mine...and her weave don't even look real! There. I said it! I don't even care that she played me in that tired little movie 'Cadillac Records'. Who saw that movie anyway? Beyonce, Jay-Z and two other people? Please. I'm Etta James, bitch! Y'all better recognize!' Or something to that effect.

Here's my advice to all y'all - Faye, Etta (extra advice - stop drinkin' alcohol before, during and after your shows...and take your pills like the doctor asked), mama - let it go. Y'all had your day! Do your part to keep America beautiful by gracefully movin' y'all old a$$es aside and makin' room for all the hot, young, sexys comin' up.

Okay - time for ol Ty to go before he gets hit with a brick.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

(Tax) Dodgin' Daschle out as Smooth Says 'My Bad'

Wassup, Y'all!


I'm in the car yesterday morning, runnin' my girl to the airport and the topic of tax dodgin' Tom Daschle came up and how Smooth Barack should play it. We both agreed that in the wake of his Treasury Secretary pick, Tim 'You have to pay taxes?' Geithner and before we even knew about 'Chief Performance Officer' nominee Nancy Killefer's 'personal tax issues' that the whole deal appeared unseemly and that Tax Dodgin' Tom needed to go. I'm glad he dropped off his papers and hit the road, but ol Ty's a little surprised that the vaunted Smooth Barack vetting machine has developed a serious hitch in its giddy-up. (Commerce Secretary nominee) Bill Richardson, Geithner, Daschle and Killefer - three tax related issues and one possible pay-to-play scheme (a scheme that's surprisingly not in Illinois this time...). It seems to ol Ty that, given past history, that the tax question would be one of the first questions asked, right after the 'have you even been involved in a pay-to-play scheme' question. That's Vetting 101, y'all. Of course you could ask the questions and not get truthful answers but folks have to know that in *this* day and time - it's all gonna come out eventually....

So Smooth hits the news cycle wipin' some early egg off his face and coppin' to a 'my bad' plea. I can appreciate the apology but with the dire importance of getting a good stimulus package passed hangin' in the balance, I have to admit that I have my fingers crossed that all the personnel glitches are now ironed out. Especially since Smooth has put a lot of stock in the brainpower he has assembled to put needed focus on that and other pressing issues. Seems to me brainpower like should be able to figure out how to go to TurboTax.com and type in some numbers. It's interesting how folks with money can find more ways not to pay Gangster Sam. Well it's lookin' like our boy Sam's got his people out on the blocks takin' names and crashin' careers. Guess I need to go dust off my W-2 too...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Folks Still Pilin' on The First Lady

Wassup, Y'all!

Dang! Has any other First Lady caught the same flack so early? First there was the fallout from her Inaugural gown (which is triflin since she'd have gotten slammed if she wore a $1 million dollar Vera Wang or a $500 joint from White House | Black Market - everybody's got somethin' to say). Black Artist Association co-founder Amnau Eele was quick to pop off on 'Chelle for not wearin' a gown designed by a southside designer (and caught the same heinous blowback treatment that was formerly reserved for hatin' Tavis Smiley) and now, the third spoke of the Axis of Evil (which includes Ward Connerly and 'Uncle' Clarence Thomas), Fox News Political Analyst, Juan Williams, recently popped off on 'Chelle on The O'Reilly Factor talkin' 'bout, 'Chelle's got "this Stokely Carmichael-in-a-designer-dress thing going". First, ol girl's not really into designer dresses. Second it sounds to me like Won-Will needs to have this 'Drop Squad' thing going...

For my northside homeys who may not be familiar with Brother Stokely (or Kwame Ture as he was known to his familiars), Brother Stokely was an honorary Prime Minister of The Black Panther Party and a mover and shaker in the Black Nationalist and Pan-Africanist movements. In other words, Stokely was what used to be known as a 'black militant' which is the same brush some folks were tryin' to paint 'Chelle with durin' the heat of the campaign. Remember that whack a$$ New Yorker Magazine cover? Well, that's the 'characture' image they were going for with 'Chelle - terrorist fist jab and all. Apparently, it's an image that, despite being patently false, is one that Won-Will has no issues with perpetuatin'. Somehow, ol boy's got it in his twisted mind that 'Chelle is going to be a detriment rather than an asset to Smooth Barack which just seems to be 'sad little man' talk to me. 

Here's my advice to Won-Will and it comes from my boy Chamillionaire and it goes, 'Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, keep runnin' homey, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, they on the trail'. That would be the Drop Squad Won-Will cuz your a$$ is in desperate need of some deprogrammin'.  So, if any of you see Won-Will wanderin' around the Fox News Studios, drop a dime or get a tweet off to the the Drop Squad Twitter feed. Dude, ease up off 'Chelle and let her rise or fall on her own merits - she's been First Lady for what - two weeks? And most importantly, Won-Will - ease up off that Fox News crack pipe and get yourself into a 12-step program, homey. Hopefully we see you on the other side sometime soon, but until then...'come back, brother'. Ward 'Big Con' Connerly and Uncle Clarence are havin' enough fun without your silly butt.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ilinois Senate to Blagojevich - SEE YA!

Wassup, Y'all!

Daaaaang! 59-0? Not one friendly 'nay' vote not to kick F-Rod Blogojevich to the curb? Guess not. But last night I'm watchin' homey plead his case out in front of his crib, talkin' 'bout how 'he's gonna 'fight on', and 'do what's right' and trippin' on how many supporters he still had callin' out ridiculousness like, 'We love you Rod!' and talkin' 'bout how he got a raw deal.  Clearly there's a rampant drug problem in F-Rod's neighborhood - a lot of basement LSD brews being passed around like progressive pot luck dishes cuz there ain't a lot to love about F-Rod's corrupt behavior or his pathalogical attempts to distort the facts (which according to him were *all* taken out of context. Hey, if that didn't work for ol Ty when his old girl overheard him tellin' his boys that her hair was lookin' a little jacked up, why should it work for him when he's overheard sayin he needed a little somethin' for Smooth Barack's senate seat?)

So happy trails, F-Rod! Don't let the door knob hit ya, where the good Lord split ya! As for the rest of us? Ol Ty has the over/under on the number of days until the next Illinois political scandal at 15. Who's in?

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Myron Rolle says No to NFL, Yes to MORE School

Wassup, Y'all!

I know. I said 'Whaaaaat' too, especially when I found out that homey was a southside safety from Florida State. You know FSU has a pretty good record of placin' their players in the NFL, so you can be assured that Myron Rolle was in line for some pretty tall ducets. It's rare when you find a college athlete who's lookin' for *more* school but I guess it's also rare for a college athlete to qualify for a Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford. Just how hard is it to get a Rhodes Scholarship? Follow me after the jump and find out...

The roster of former Rhodes Scholars reads like a Who's Who list. You've got former Presidents, Nobel Prize winners, former CIA directors, military admirals and generals, ambassadors, even Smooth Barack's current U.S. Ambassador to the UN, southside shorty Dr. Susan Rice. There's some rarified air in there, y'all.

Now I admit that if you have the option to do *both* - kick it in Oxford for a year or two, then still declare for the NF draft that's a pretty good option to have and that seems to be the route that My-Rolle is headed down but ol Ty still has to give cousin mad props for sayin' no to the money now when that NFL lifestyle is pretty tantalizing. So in the era of college and pro players behaving badly I'm encouraged by a story like this and hopefully in the new Smooth era, we'll be hearing more and more of this type of thing.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Ty Gets Hit By The Block

Wassup, Y'all!

As in writer's block. I can't explain it. I've got the topics but for some reason ol Ty can't string two sentences together at the moment. Bear with me, y'all. I'll get it worked out in a minute. I'm so ashamed. Smooth would be so disappointed with a brother. Must be time for another road trip to recharge my battrees...or time for a cheesesteak with a little Cheez Whiz.


Peace@Least,

Tyrone

President Barack Obama: Oh Happy Day!

Wassup, Y'all!

Surreal. Yes, there are a lot of adjectives ol Ty can attribute to yesterday, but the one that sums it up best for me is surreal. From seeing Smooth Barack and his telegenic family arrivin' at the Capitol in that massive motorcade, to seein' Smooth take the oath of office (despite Chief Justice Roberts giving him the wrong words), to seein' Justice Roberts congratulate him as Mr. President, to his well worded inaugural speech and his first entrance to 'Hail to The Chief'. All completely surreal, y'all but oh so satisfying. I watched the coverage over at my boy Cat Daddy's crib with his Madear and we both kept lookin' at the TV screen and askin' each other, 'Can you believe this?' Clearly we still can't. It's gonna take a few for this to all sink in. On my way out back to my crib I ran into my boy Big Mike comin' in and as we dapped up and I congratulated him on our new President, he said, 'You know - I got love for everybody today. Whether folks like the guy or not, I'm movin' on and just being glad in the moment'. Ol Ty couldn't have typed it any better. So I know y'all peeped in to hear my impressions on the day so check me after the jump...

First off - my people will be my people. Now I know it wasn't all southsiders chantin', 'Na,na,na,na, na,na,na,na, hey,hey,hey - goodbye' when GW showed up on the grandstand but I'm sure y'all were thick in the mix and I had to feel a little bad for GW and the fam since this was their last day and all. Even Count Chaney looked all frail and lost in his little wheelchair. I know GW was pretty bad, but no need to kick him on the way out.

Second, 'Chelle, Lil 'Chelle (Malia) and Cool Breeze (Sasha) were laid, y'all. They had the 'Beyonce' hair workin', cute little color coordinate outfits and they looked like they all walked straight off the set of 'The Cosby Show'. The Obamas are the new Huxtables, y'all. I also appreciated that 'Chelle's mama (who, thanks to 'Tini Mack, will now be referred to as the First Madear) fell right into her new role as caretaker of the First Kids. That's all good. I expect some spankins all around when they set some curtains on fire in the White House after playin' with scented candles in their room after being told not too. The First Madear looks like she doesn't play.

Third, there's a reason why I dubbed Barack 'Smooth'. There's no better adjective for homey. He's calm, cool, collected and humorous at every turn. He even tried to help out the Chief Justice when he blew the oath (that joint's like twelve words (okay - thirty-five but you feel me) *and* it's not like he didn't know the day was comin' - what happened to a little practice??). The speech was typical Smooth and homey just seemed so comfortable and poised in the moment. I have no doubt that demeanor will carry on into the Oval Office. He gave all the appropriate shoutouts to let folks know that the US is back in the business of leading the world both by word and deed. Gotta like the sound of that.

Forth, was there a better speaker (besides Smooth) during the ceremony than the Rev. Joseph Lowery (a brother who helped lead the Montgomery Bus Boycott)? Homey could have stayed up there all day. I appreciated him droppin' some of the oh so appropriate words from the 'Black National Anthem' - Lift Every Voice and Sing as well as his keepin' it real at the end by updatin' those old school sayin's by sayin' to the Lord, 'We ask You to work for that day when Black will not be asked to get back, when Brown can stick around, when Yellow will be mellow, when the Red Man can get ahead man and when White will embrace what is right' - ol Ty hit all three amens after that one, y'all. I love that brother.

Finally, I appreciate the appearance that Smooth and 'Chelle put in at the 'Neighborhood Ball' and, more importantly, the importance that they placed on that Ball - the People's ball. A lot of politicians talk the talk but it really seems like these two walk the walk too. They get that it's always been of, for and by the people, not themselves.

I also appreciate the way those two seem to genuinly love each other, the way they looked at each other during their first dance and the very appropriate Beyonce rendition of 'At Last'. 

In my mind, the Presidency has always been about being a leader and a role model and throughout the day (actually from the time he hit the national stage) Smooth proved over and over that he's the right person for job, at the right moment in history.

At last. Oh happy day, y'all. Oh happy day.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone