Saturday, December 11, 2004

The Maxim Phenomenon

Wassup, Y'all!

Got a (dime) bag full of goodies to dig into followed up by the annointing of my newest Shorty of the Week, so straighten up and fly right. Let's dispense with the bad and the ugly before moving on to the good and it can't get any badder or uglier than our latest turncoat swing state of Ohio (or Nohio to those familiar with current events). Now I know 51% of Ohio is full of cool peoples and I don't want to paint with too broad a brush but come on now! The twisted Wives Tale Handbook tells us that bad things always happen in threes. To wit: 1) Ohio's election night gift to GW, 2)The Jack Ruby take down of Damageplan guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott (Side note #1: I know the fellas down at Winky's corner store are going "who?" Side note #2: how cool is that name?), and 3) (and most funky of all) the FBI looking into a serial letter writer who sent letters to black Cleveland High School athletes saying they'll be "castrated, shot or set on fire" if they're involved in interracial relationships like Jeb Bush. Similar letters have been sent to NFL players (wonder if Tiger got one?) and "other prominent black men". Man, I thought this kind of nonsense only happened in Idaho. Shame, shame. Come on Ohio - shake it off and get back in the game! You still got the Rock & Roll & Pro Football Halls of Fame going for you!

Old Tyrone also sees that D.L. Hughley didn't make the cut to be the next host of "The Late, Late Show". Dang - if you can't move in to fill the shoes of that great late night host Craig Kilborn your act needs a good wax and buff, homey. Craig Kilborn!?? D.L. : man didn't I tell you to skip "Soul Plane"? Sigh... It's been a looong time since Arsenio was kicking it. We've been through "The Keenan Ivory Wayans Show", "The Magic Hour" with Magic Johnson, and my favorite - "Vibe" with hosts Chris Spencer (who?) and Sinbad (dude - where you at? The brothers need another Soul Music Festival!). Shoot - time's about right to bring the Vibe talk show back - they can do it live via satellite from Rikers. Anyway, they tried out a number of host and somehow the best man for the job turned out to be the guy who played Drew Carey's boss on the "The Drew Carey Show" - Craig Ferguson! Ahhh, it all comes back to Ohio (Cleveland) - and any coincidence that old boy's first name is Craig??? I had my money on long shot shorty Aisha Taylor our latest Shorty Of the Week:

Aisha Taylor

Old girl is fine, funny and fine. I'm also questioning the blatant lack of late night host that aren't male and aren't of color - come on now - this is 2004. At least hook up George Lopez with a late night gig! You'll note the above glossy comes from the primo collection of Maxim Online and I have to pause to take my hat off to the innovative mind that said "You know, if we develop a new type of men's magazine that shows a little less skin than Playboy and keeps it classy, we can probably get any woman in entertainment to pose for them." And on the Sixth Day, Maxim, FHM, Stuff, King, Smooth and many others were created and all mankind saw that it was good. Like the cartoon guys in the Guinness beer ads are known to say - Brilliant! The shorties are famous and fine and you can bring those mags in the crib and have a valid argument for bringing them into the crib with your girl - but baby - they show less than Playboy! Brilliant!

So as a parting farewell to our cerebrally challenged, bigoted Ohio serial letter writer, here's a glossy of stone hotty Leeann Tweeden from "The Best Damn Sports Show Period", whose superlative work no doubt hangs in sports lockers around the globe - black men and white men, gentiles and jews. And note where this glossy hails from - that's right, y'all - FHM. If you aren't checking 'em, you better ax somebody!

Leeann Tweeden

Go on with your bad self Leeann! I'm Audi, y'all.



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