Sunday, February 27, 2005

Hitch Me to Eva Mendes

Wassup, Y'all!

I finally ducked into a showing of Hitch today and 1) I liked that joint and 2) Eva Mendes is off the hook! Woooo - I thought I'd seen her before in movies like Out of Time, 2 Fast 2 Furious and All About the Benjamins but clearly I haven't been paying attention. Well my Attention Deficit Disorder ended today, y'all and not a minute too soon...

Fellas, smack me if I'm talking out of school here but if the Hispanic shortys haven't pulled even with the sisters in the coveted 'Baby Got Back' category, they're definitely closing the gap at light speed. To wit, a sample glossy of Ms. Mendes.

Eva Mendes' Bottom Line

Now I'm not counting but in recent columns I've paid homage to Selma Hayek, J-Lo, Vida Guerra and now Eva Mendes and every last one of them is packing without a suitcase. Granted that's terribly shallow of me, y'all, but I'm only here to observe and report - a job I was loving all the way through Hitch. But just to prove the world hasn't totally slipped off its axis, they did show the trailer to Beauty Shop and I'm happy to report that the sisters are representin' in that joint...and while I was trailer surfing, I checked out that retro joint Roll Bounce that's shaping up to be a feel good joint reliving the roller skating/dance tip of the 70's. Y'all remember reading about that in history class, right? That was when skates looked like whips rollin' on dubs. Shoot, I'm looking forward to gettin' my roll on this summer - just like shorty Velma on the Apprentice ;-)



Saturday, February 26, 2005

The Rock is Gay!!

Wassup, Y'all!

I damn near fell out in the bookstore today as I was perusing the periodicals and happened by The Rock's mug staring back from Out Magazine right next to that headline! Now before we go further into this intriguing tale, old Tyrone has two facts to state: 1) I don't read Out Magazine and 2) My allegiance remains firmly in the shorty camp. That said, you know I had to peep the article (as I'm secure in my manhood) as research for this column to see if such a thing could be remotely possible...

Happily (or perhaps unhappily for those switch hitters out there) it turns out Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock was only doing publicity for the upcoming movie Be Cool in which he plays a gay bodyguard. The trailer to Be Cool looks pretty good with a cast that includes Cedric the Entertainer, Andre Benjamin (Andre 3000 from Outkast, y'all) and a former featured shorty, Christina Milian (by the way John Travolta, Vince Vaughn and Uma Thurman are in that joint too...). Christina seems to be showing up weekly these days - she just opened in Man of the House (also with Ced the Entertainer) and opens next week in Be Cool. Just to show y'all what you have to look forward to, let me drop a couple glossies...

Busy Christina Milian

The Non Traditional sexy shorty

Speaking of non traditional sexy shortys - note the new addition to my Rib Tips and Hot Links section - Miss Phoebe Fabulous (which changes to 'Fabolous' when she steps to the South Side :-) ). Just like her tag portends - too hot to handle, too cold to hold - old girl is all that and bold enough to invite folks along for the ride. Interesting, intriguing and flavored to taste - give it a peep - she'll definitely grow on you - plus she can parlez vous Francais and we know how sexy that can be - ooo, la, la, y'all.

Vida G sighting...Just like hearing a word for the first time then hearing it everyday for a week, I peeped bootilicious Vida Guerra on one of the eight million car mags on the mag stands these days. Turns out the front is enhanced but the back is au naturale and she likes wearing ball caps - gotta love a shorty that can kick jeans, t-shirts and a backwards or cocked cap! That's one you can bring home to see moms...

I'm out, y'all!



Thursday, February 24, 2005

Kudos to 2 Guys AND Vida Guerra!

Wassup, Y'all!

New addition to my 'Rib Tips & Hot Links' section in the sidebar. I encourage you to check out the musing of 2 Guys, 2 Cities, 2 Sidekicks. Two young brothers keeping it real and dishing the details on tech toys, haute couture, south side entertainment and, of course, phenomenal shortys are periodically profiled in their 'Dimespot'... Their current Dimespot is the Cuban shorty Vida Guerra - a FHM staple who dropped the now famous quote:

"I think people should know that J-Lo has some competition."
- V. Guerra aka 'The Competition'

A quick glossy review shows exactly where that competition is coming from...

La Vida [Guerra] Loca

Don't hurt 'em, Vida. 'Nuff said. Go check out the dynamic duo and tell them old Tyrone sent you...

** Update @ 9:05pm 2/25/05 **

Just got back from Borders - Guess who's gracing the cover of this month's FHM? Don't all run down there at once...



Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Quitting the Reality TV Game...

Wassup, Y'all!

Granted this post is a bit behind the curve but I did have to finally weigh in with my thoughts on two knuckleheads who both beat the odds to actually make it on to a high stakes reality TV show, only to wilt under the pressure before being fired or voted off and voluntarily quitting. The amazing part is that that in both cases the bailers were from the south side camp...

First we have to go back to Survivor #7 - Pearl Islands - 2003 - to meet Knucklehead #1 Osten Taylor.

Osten Taylor - It's gotta be the steroids, money!

Daaamn homey - in high school you was the maaan, homey. F**k happened to you? Come on, now! You can see how this brother got on the show, but how's my man gonna quit before the women and old folks? That's just straight whack! I was watching the show at the time and toward the end, I was pretty much tired of how old boy was just crying and whining anyway. My question is - why bother to get on the show and take a slot from someone else if you're just gonna fold like grandmama's laundry? Shame, shame.

Just as I was getting over the ignominy of that overt whackness (for the brothers down at Winky's corner store that means humiliation, y'all) knucklehead #2 shows up on the current issue of The Apprentice - shorty Verna from the Book Smart Team.

Shorty Verna

I know sisters can put up with just a little bit more than homegirl did. I'm sure the shortys on the South Side were saying 'Awww hell no' when Verna seemed to get overwhelmed by her task, packed her sh*t and rolled - wandering the Jersey Shore with her rollaway bag....

Verna Gettin' Her Roll On

Come on now! Jettin' before the high school crew gets fired? I'm not sure what's going on but the madness has to stop, y'all! Reality TV needs to start dippin' into the 'hood to get some contestants who will knuckle up (and probably take out a few contestants while they're sleeping...). All I got to say is now that America's Next Top Model 4 is set to debut - I better not see Shorty Keenyah voluntarily flying the coop or I'm through with reality TV...until the next season rolls around...

Compton Shorty Keenyah

And I mean it, too!



Monday, February 21, 2005

Big Willie Style's all in it

Wassup, Y'all!

I was checking out the weekend box office returns and see that Will Smith is still the reigning champ with his date flick 'Hitch'. $90 million and counting after two weeks - for a date flick! No denying that boy's crossover appeal. A little more digging reveals that with last weekend's Hitch take, Big Willie Style has bumped Mike Myers out as the biggest opening weekend draw in Hollywood. Not bad for a skinny rapper from west Philly, but my question is "How did Mike Myers get in the top spot any damn way?"...

Okay - I'll admit I haven't checked out any of those Austin Powers joints - even the one with Beyonce as Foxy Cleopatra (my bad on that one, y'all), but that's almost as ridiculous as Samuel L. Jackson claiming the top spot as biggest grossing movie star of all time ($6+ billion) replacing Harrison Ford! You clever readers out there should see the tie that binds those two and generated the bulk of all that box office mojo. Subtract out the take for those Star Wars movies and you're looking at Chris Rock and David Spade...

Spice Racks...I'm checking that Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) has just had her 3rd rug rat and that Emma Bunton (Baby Spice) has just cut a new album and a brother can't help but wonder what ever happened to Melanie Janine Brown - Mel B. (Scary Spice)? Word on the wire is that Mel B. can't get a record deal and has decided to write a tell all book about the Spice Girl Experience (which should be all of ten pages and seven of those will be acknowledgements...). You have to wonder if any of the former Spice Girls got on American Idol if any of them would make it to the final round... However, all's not lost...a quick peek at Mel B.'s glossy...

Mel B. - She Ain't So Scary...

...shows that she's more than qualified for a SI Swimsuit spread or a Budweiser Beer commercial...and I ask you - which career gets you noticed faster? Kelly Clarkson, Fantasia...hmmm names are familiar...I just can't seem to place their faces....

I'm out, y'all!



Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Beauty is only skin deep...

Wassup, Y'all!

A few weeks ago, old Tyrone made much ado about Seal’s proposal to Heidi Klum. I alluded to how Seal was “swinging for the fences” a baseball term which means you’re going for it all – trying to crack a homerun over the centerfield fence. At Usher’s private Grammy after-party (missed my invite again this year, y’all), I noticed a couple things: 1) The only acceptable bling these days is platinum encrusted diamonds (aka ‘frost’) – gold is played out (even gold teeth are falling by the wayside and whoever thought we’d be saying that about the hip-hop scene?) and 2) there were a couple other “fence swinging” brothers in attendance...namely Jay-Z (kicking it with 9.2 Daamn Meter Shorty Beyonce) and Jermaine Dupri (kicking it with 8.1 Daamn Meter shorty, Janet Jackson).

Whilst sipping my Crystal/Crunk Juice designer mix at the bar, I’m wondering “How do these brothers pull it off?” Is it their money? Their creativity? That whole “shortys love bad boys/thugs/soldiers” thing (and someone still has to explain that phenomenon to me)? How does that whole Beauty and the Beast deal happen (side note: Jay-Z – Jermaine, I ain’t trying to crack – I’m just saying…)? I have to give props to both Janet and Beyonce for steppin’ beyond the expected and delving below the superficial. Regardless of their reasons, in the entertainment business your only goal is to look good – from your gear (Versace, Vera Wang, Manolo, Jimmy Choo) to your bling, to your arm candy – so clearly those sisters are making a statement. I’ll drop a couple glossies and you tell me what statement they’re making…

Janet and Jermaine

Jay-Z and Beyonce

Come on now!

J-Lo Redux: Word is that our girl J-To-The-L-O is dodging her European press duties for her movie “Shall We Dance?” and dipping out on her European album concert tour due to “illness” despite the fact that old girl looked foine at the Grammy’s crooning with her short shelf life boo Marc Anthony. If you’re wondering why MA is on the ‘short shelf life’ tip, check out the insightful comment by the intrepid Phoebe Fabulous on my February 11th column. You can see it coming, y’all. First bailing on Europe, can bailing on M-Ant be too far behind? Those 3-1 British bookmaker odds that J-Lo will be back on the prowl by year’s end aren’t lookin’ so bad… But as they say fellas – When one door closes another door opens. To wit, former Miss Universe shorty Dayanara Torres - the one M-Ant let get away – is now collecting resumes for the position of ‘my next man’.

Dayanara Torres - Available

Next year that boy’s gonna look pretty foolish with both J-Lo and Dayanara roaming the world free and he’s stuck with whack a**Rosy Palms



Friday, February 11, 2005

J-Lo - The Boomerang Chick

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, I swear Jennifer Lopez is like crack, y'all. If there was ever a shorty that defined the term 'high maintenance' and unconsciously threw up every 'caution' and 'stay the hell away' sign known to man, it's our girl J-to the-L-O. But then she pops up in a new video and daaaamn old girl is foine - and right away you're thinking 'hey, maybe she's not that bad after all'...

Well see - that's the definition of a Boomerang Chick. One who works your last nerve until you finally chuck her butt out the window (figuratively, y'all). A few days or weeks later, old girl comes flying back around and you're like - Man, she's lookin good, let me holler at shorty for a second... That' s right about the time she smacks you back upside the head, popping that same yang and you chuck her butt back out the window. It's a vicious cycle that continues on until you can finally thug up and just say 'no'. It's easier said than done with some Boomerang Chicks. Our girl J-Lo clearly falls into that category.


I just checked out her newest video Get Right on iTunes and old girl is bringing it, jack - that's a hot cut and she's still got the In Living Color, Fly Girl moves percolatin'. It's enough to make a brother holler...until you realize 'Hey dummy - it's J-Lo!' - the serial heartbreaker (y'all know P. Diddy is still crying...). Check the video out if y'all got a second or two. She plays several roles which interestingly seem to match the seven different personalities she has stored in that 8.9 Daaamn Meter body of hers. See a shallow brother would wish for a way to carve out that one smoking shorty personality and chuck the rest with yesterday's fish sandwich... Big props to Mark Anthony for steppin up to the whole nine yards.

That said, let me highlight a few reactions from a set of brothers who after viewing J-Lo's rocking motion in Get Right and are likely looking out their windows waiting for the J-Lo boomerang to come back around. To wit:

Ojani Noa: Damn.
Puff Daddy/P. Diddy: Damn, damn, damn.
Chris Judd: Damn.
Ben Affleck: Damn.
Marc Anthony: Awwwwww, yeah - I'll be tappin' that tonight, jack!
The Next Knucklehead: Man, I'm a have to git with that someday...

Fellas - watch the video, close the window and move on. It'll be less painful for all of us...



Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Diamonds Are Forever?

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm coming to grips with the end of football season but it was the Superbowl halftime show that inspired this column. Mainly because I chose to skip the Paul McCartney fest and catch up on a Tivo'ed episode of My Wife and Kids instead. The premise was that Jay invented a holiday just to get a gift from Michael and expected to get diamonds!...

What is it with women and diamonds? Has there ever been a more commercially concocted conspiracy perpetrated than the Diamond Cartel's diamond hoax? Corner the market, restrict supply and perpetuate the myth that 'only a diamond will do'. Please. Now, shortys don't get me wrong, I'm all for dropping a gift or two at appropriate times and not adverse to spending a little cheddar to spread the love, but what ever happened to diversity of thought when it comes to precious stones? You're no doubt aware that flawless diamonds can now be manufactured that are as real in every way as one chipped from a diamond mine (and available for a fraction of the price) but tell a woman you bought her a manufactured diamond (that she wouldn't be able to discern without being told) and chances are you're in for some long, lonely nights with Rosy Palms.

Coincidently, I happened to hear Shirley Bassey's rendition of the James Bond classic Diamonds Are Forever and as I listened to the lyrics it became all too apparent what the magical draw was. To wit:

"Diamonds are forever. They are all I need to please me. They can stimulate and tease me. They won't leave in the night. I have no fear that they might desert me.

Diamonds are forever. Hold one up then caress it, touch it, stroke it and undress it. I can see every part, nothing hides in the heart to hurt me. I don't need love, for what good will love do me? Diamonds never lie to me. For when love's gone, they luster on.

Diamonds are forever. Sparling around my little finger. Unlike men, the diamonds linger. Men are mere mortals who are not worth going to your grave for..."

Daaaang ease up, Shirley! Not worth going to your grave for? Man that's foul. Anyway, sweating through that song got me to thinking, is there anything on the planet that guys lust after just as vigorously?

Hmmmm....fellas, isn't it ironic that you can't get one with out the other? The fix is in.



Friday, February 04, 2005

Oprah + Wisteria Lane = Madness

Wassup, Y'all!

That's right, y'all - Her Royal O-Ness Oprah Winfry busted a move in a customized episode of Desperate Housewives created just for her show. If you got a chance to peep the show, you probably noted two things: 1) it was pretty clever and 2) she looked very out of place...

Sure the regular 'wives' said and did all the right things to welcome her to the neighborhood but you have to know the whole town was waiting for sundown to toss a brick through her window with a note on it saying she needed to go because she would bring down the property values. Tell me I'm lying, y'all. Man, what's it got to be like being Oprah where you can just think about doing pretty much anything and then really be doing it two minutes later?

Her follow up show (don't get the idea that I watch Oprah regularly, y'all - somehow my Tivo accidently recorded a week's worth of episodes...) featured the inimitable Tina Turner and I have to be up front with you. All through that show all I was thinking was that Tina is a vintage shorty who can *still* get it. Man - talk about aging gracefully! Old girl can *still* rock the stage. Let me drop a glossy so you can feel me on this.

Tina Turner

Come on now! Wooooo. Old girl is rocking the vintage shorty Daaamn Meter at a steady 8.5, y'all (note the only 10 registered on the vintage shorty Daaamn Meter is the one and only Lena Horne). Modern shorties can only dream about genes that smooth. Sure you can be a slamming 8.7 on the modern Daaamn Meter today, but can you hold that 8.7 through the decades and pop it on the vintage Daaamn Meter down the road? Here's a public service message to all you fine modern shorties - get to eatin' right and exercising so that 30 years down the road you can still be looking fine standing next to your bald man with a beer gut. As a friend of mine is fond of saying: hahahaha! Yo - Ike Turner - you dummy!! Go on with your bad self, Tina!



Sleep Well, Brother Ossie

"And we will know him then for what he was and is—a prince—our own black shining prince!"

Though brother Ossie Davis spoke those words nearly 40 years ago during his eulogy of Malcom X in Harlem, they seem so appropriate for him as well as we morn his passing. I have to admit that even though brother Ossie was 87, I was still shocked to hear that he passed today...
He was a talented, gentle presence that will surely be missed. All I can really think to say is 'Thank You' and Rest In Peace OD...

Ossie Davis


Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Serena, Anna & Maria: Tennis Anyone?

Wassup, Y'all!

In light of Serena Williams' Australian Open victory over up and coming Maria Sharapova (and in light of the fact that a bogus picture of Serena in a thong generated more web traffic in a day than all the traffic directed toward the tennis action), I thought it only prudent to examine just what it is that folks are looking for when they tune in. They sure ain't looking for tennis, y'all....

Let's examine this issue further:

Anna, Serena & Maria

I submit Exhibit A - a multi-glossy of the Holy Trinity of women's tennis - Anna Kournakova, Serena Williams and Maria Sharapova. Come on, now! Clearly style on the women's circuit has outgrown substance. I sure don't remember glossies like these of Martina (Navratolova - not the little Swiss Miss Martina Hingis who's angling for a comeback), Billy Jean King and Chris Evert. Man, I don't care what your primary vocation is nowadays everybody is looking to cross over. Rappers want to get into movies, movie stars want to rap (or write children's books), models want to be business women and women tennis players want to be models. Well don't worry, y'all. I just want to be plain old me...and maybe an extra on some of those hip hop videos with all those rump shakers (shallow I admit). Well based Exhibit A, those three can stroll the catwalk any time... WNBA and LPGA take note! This is how you build an audience, y'all.

Boycott Smart Brother! Sorry 'bout that fool, y'all. He talked to me about writing a column about Foxy Brown and I fell for it! Firefox-y Brown! That's just why that brother can't get a date. I'm here to tell you the good news. The movie character Foxy Brown is heading back to the screen starring none other than the ex Mrs. Eric Benet Halle Berry. That's right, y'all - due out this year and ready to mesmerize a whole new generation of brothers just like the original, often imitated, never duplicated Pam Grier. Only thing better would be to get them both on the screen at the same time - wooooo. Sometimes those Hollywood executives responsible for green lighting movies can actually do it right, y'all!