Erykah Badu cleans up pretty well

Wassup, Y'all!

Long time fans of The Urban Eye will know that Ms. Erykah Badu holds a fond place in ol Ty's heart. Rumor has it that she was the primary inspiration for my new identity when I decide to give up my slave name. That's partly spelled out in my old a$$ podcast (a format which I need to return too when I'm able to manufacture a couple more hours in the day).

Anyway, word has reached the basement that E-Bad has somehow managed to trick a perfume maker into using her as the face of their newest fragrance called White Patchouli. I have to admit I never saw this one coming, y'all. A fragrance called, 'Nappy Girl'? Ol girl is all over it. 'Space Cadet Pour Femme'? Yep. But White Patchouli??? What the hell is a White Patchouli anyway? Sounds like an ingredient that Remy the Rat would use in his Ratatouille, but what do I know? I'm still dabbin' on Old Spice before get my shake on at the clizzub these days.

Still, had I been in the 'concept' room when folks were tryin' to match a fragrance to a personality such as Ms. Badu's, y'all know I would have gone with my original thought that I broke down back in January. The CEO would be in the room, hands would be all sweaty as the clock ticked down and all eyz would turn to Ty to see what genius he would throw out there. To which, I would pull the cover off the glossy on the left and announce like Eddie Murphy and Robin Givens in 'Boomerang' - , 'Ladies and Gentleman I give you the newest fragrance in our line - 'Fearless Fly'! True genius can't be taught, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Shaq & Kobe: Love NBA Style

Wassup, Y'all!

Daaaaang! First - sorry for being MIA the last couple days, y'all. The man's had ol Ty on blast - a necessary evil since I still have to pay mama rent the first of every month.

In the meantime though, I've been following the latest Shaq/Kobe dust up with interest. The blogosphere is still buzzin' over Shaq's now infamous 'freestyle' diss rap of Kobe which inferred that Kobe can't win another ring without Shaq and that during their happier days in LA, Kobe used to toss Shaq's salad. Can there possible be a more distasteful mental image that that? The Shaq / Kobe deal has gotten messier than the Charley Sheen / Denise Richards break up (okay, maybe not that bad). The good news is that Shaq's new rap does have a catchy hook to it...

Now that the video is in wide rotation around the southside, I'm sure even the little troopers will be walkin' 'round the streets talkin' 'bout, 'Kobe - tell me how my a$$ taste!'. I'm not sayin', y'all. I'm just sayin'. If I didn't put that out there someone else would cuz everybody knows the hook of a rap is what sticks with you and Shaq dropped that one in about six or seven times so that's what I walked away with.

Clearly Shaq's still bitter about Kobe bustin' him out when he got caught up in Colorado. The fact of the matter is that ol Ty broke the news about the 'Shaq Effect' on Kobe's career back in '05 and the 'Kobe Effect' on Shaq's marriage, which is why y'all keep comin' back. Hard hittin' investigative journalism. It's too funny now that the rap community is takin' sides based on the fact that neither Shaq nor Kobe can wrap fish let alone rap rhymes. They're what the pioneer rappers used to call 'Crab Rappers' - wannabes with unoriginal skillz. How's Shaq even gonna try and put it out there that was a 'freestyle' rap? That brother ain't no Wayne Brady. Now Alphonso? That's a brother that can freestyle any concept at any time.

Of course, there is no effect with a cause and the most recent effect for Shaq's shenanigans is the revocation of both his Arizona and Virginia special deputy sheriff badges. That's a straight shame since Shaq did some good work with both of those units and has a fond affinity for law enforcement, but in the days of hyper political correctness that was pretty much to be expected. I'm expectin' Shaq to come back in a day or two with a new rap that uses that 'We don't need no stinkin' badges' phrase as his new hook.

No word of response yet from Kobe. Word is that established rappers may help him put together a response rap which is the obligatory counterpunch when the gauntlet gets thrown down in a rap beef. What we have here though is kinda like some quasi NBA, rap, school-yard, corner block beef. I'm thinkin' these two just need to hit the playground, throw some dirt in each others eyes and do that little screaming arms flailing thing that pretty shortys do when they want to fight but not get their hair or clothes messed up. I don't think the world would survive another Kobe Bryant rap effort.

Still, despite all that, y'all - we're left with an epic hook that will be uttered until the curtain closes on Kobe's NBA career. Everybody! Kobe, tell me how my a$$ taste. Kobe, tell me how...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

'Chelle Obama Makin' 'Rack Fashion' Look Good

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, I cracked up today when I started readin' about how the dress that 'Chelle wore on The View last week (time tip - you can either hit that last link to watch the whole show if you haven't seen it yet or catch the commentary on it from this very good live blog of the show) is 'flyin' of the racks. You shortys are a trip with that but I have to admit that 'Chelle seems to be uppin' the game when it comes to puttin' the hurtin' on fly fashions. My boy D-Splash over on The Dark Stuff was the first I saw to type up the sentiment that if Smooth seals the deal, that there's going to be a new era in First Ladyship, literally and figuratively.

Apparently, in contrast to many shortys under the glare of spotlights, 'Chelle choose to wear a nice black and white summer dress designed by New York designer Donna Ricco. The joint sells for $99 on her website and 'Chelle picked her joint up for $149 at the White House Black Market store for $50 more. First, I guess there's a reason why the phrase 'Black Market' is in that store title. What's up with the extra fiddy markup? Second, I guess 'Chelle is tryin' to send a message by shoppin at a joint with 'White House' in the title. And third, man talk about a happy circumstance for Don-Ric. Since the show the dress has been sellin' out of the White House Black Market stores and she's tryin' to fill an order for 3,000 more...

It also seems that the fashion fun hasn't been just contained to the shorty side of the Obama household. Donatella Versace has dropped her Spring-Summer '09 collection in Milan which she says is inspired by (more likely dedicated to since I'm not seeing anything in the line that Smooth could wear on the southside) Smooth. Donatella says her new line (which I'm callin' Spring/Summer Smoothwear) is designed for "a relaxed man who doesn't need to flex muscles to show he has power." You know it won't be more than a Chicago minute before the homeys are hawkin' Smoothwear knockoffs on southside. Of course there's one Smooth look we can do a little less of - that Urkel inspired summer biking outfit. Errbody knows you don't go bikin' with a polo tucked in. It's just not done on the southside. You also never leave the crib without some spinnin' rims on your two-wheeler. Dang, Smooth! But since Smooth's my boy, ol Ty can forgive his occasional fashion faux pas.

In the meantime, I'm tryin' to get mama's old sewin' machine workin' since I have a couple dress design thoughts that I plan to run by 'Chelle when she gets back to Chicago. One's a little leather number with a tasteful side slit and the other is a low cut lemon chiffon cotton frock that just says fun and sassy. I'll let y'all know how it goes after my people reach out to her people.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Naomi Campbell: God Don't Like Ugly

Wassup, Y'all!

You have to wonder what it is with this chick. In the wake of news of her recent 200 hour community service charge and accompanying $4,600 fine for assaulting two police officers ol Ty is wonderin' how this serial abuser continues to avoid actual jail time for her bad girl behavior? I don't think a month has gone by without some story about this Diva Di-vah goin' ballistic on someone...hotel staff, domestic staff, handlers, makeup staff, her mama, pre-school kidz - y'all get the picture.

Her most recent dustup involved lost luggage and an obligatory racism claim designed to deflect attention away from abusive behavior dished out by a pampered woman with anger management issues and no self control. According to court testimony, when informed of her missing bag (by the airline captain himself) Nightstick Naomi,"... became enraged and issued orders to someone on her mobile: "They have lost my fucking bags, get me another flight, get the press, get me my lawyer." She then turned to the captain and barked: "Bring me my fucking bags now!"

According to Nightstick, "I was called a racial name on that [British Airways] flight". Since when does 'spoiled bit#h' constitute a racial slur? Yes, it's a little tacky, but if the shoe fits... And strangely, the victims assaulted didn't even work for British Airways. They were airport PoPos just tryin' to escort her scene makin' a$$ off the flight.

I can understand a legal system handing out these types of community service gigs to serial drug abusers since that's a 'victim-less crime', but Nightstick's shenanigans always involved her clockin' someone else either with her hands or the nearest throwable object. Yes, she's once, twice, three times a felon, y'all. Ol girl needs to do a little prancin' down the catwalk in HMP Belmarsh down in south-east London. I know that's a men's facility, y'all but clearly Nightstick knows how to handle herself.

It's time for some tough love for ol girl cuz it's all funny until she puts someone eye out. Her bud has passed the nippin' stage.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

MA Baby Mama Drama

Wassup, Y'all!

Under the gun today to get a few things off my 'to do' plate so no official post today. Mama's been on me to get the gutters cleaned out and do a little yard work to justify my continued spot in the basement. She calls it 'responsibility'. Ol Ty calls it 'extortion', but whatever.

If I were postin' today, tho you know I'd have to jump all over that madness going on in MA where those 17 teenage girls made a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. All under 16. Damn. Hard to tell what the heck that's about but I find it odd that Britney Spears' little sis *just* had her baby. Pregnant at 16, mama at 17. Coincidence or a thing that makes you go 'Hmmmm....'

Have a good weekend, y'all!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Tiger Done for '08 - Ty Accepts Blame

Wassup, Y'all!

My fault! No sooner does ol Ty jinx Tiger Woods by writing about his insane earning power than the brother breaks the news that he's shuttin' it down...for the rest of the season! No Tiger for the rest of '08 - no British Open, no PGA Championship, no Ryder Cup, no Fedex title. Essentially for the PGA that means no golf audience outside of the same hardcore crew that watched it before Tiger stepped inside the ropes 13 years ago and made it must see TV.

Now as TV network executives and PGA tour officials head for the ledges outside the windows of their plush corner offices, much is being made of the fabled 'Tiger Effect' - the economic engine driven solely by his Tigerness that affects the cheddar of TV networks, PGA tour sponsors, PGA tour purses, caddy lifestyles, yada, yada, yada. In layman's terms, he's the PGA's Golden Goose and now that he's on the shelf for a few, the PGA's gonna get a long hard look at what life will be like AT - After Tiger...

Welcome to the Ghost of Christmas Future, golf fans. It's gonna be pretty vanilla shake regular for a while and you'll need to get out your retro PGA score cards out as other names 'emerge' for the networks to rally behind. They will no doubt pull out all the stops to concoct 'compelling stories' about other Top 10 players in a transparent effort to attract viewers to their dry broadcasts. Get ready to hear a lot about 'Lefty' Phil Mickelson, 'Dour' Vijay Singh, 'Awesome Aussie' Adam Scott and 'Brash' Sergio Garcia - a collection of guys who have benefited greatly from the rapid expansion of PGA Tour purses since Tiger went pro.

The tour players have to be cheering this news as it's the best of both worlds for them. Tiger's out of the way so they now have their best chances of winning the most prestigious tournaments, but Tiger will be back so tour purses will remain at their current insane levels or continue to increase as anticipation builds for Tiger's return. Sergio Garcia already started this trend when he thanked Tiger for not being there the week he won the Player's Championship. Ol Ty has to believe that, ironically, the level of competition will go up now that these guys see a chance to fill the vacuum, win some tournaments and increase their endorsement potential.

Meanwhile, don't cry too much for Tiger. That brother will be back and if not? He has $800 million, a mansion, a yacht, a private jet, a beautiful daughter, a Swedish model wife and his final win was epic (not necessarily in that order, y'all). Who y'all need to be cryin' for is his caddy Steve Williams. Just yesterday ol Ty was fiendin' for his job. Today? Hell, I'm still fiendin' for it.

Caddies normally earn about 10% of the purses won by the players they caddy for so that means that this year he'll have to make due with a little less than $600,000 vs. the little more than $1 million he earned last year. Caddying. Damn. And that's just up front money. Now that Tiger's laid up, you have to know the cars and jet won't go to waste (I'm figurin' that Tiger will do most of his rehab on his yacht in the Caribbean...).

Alls I know, y'all is that Stevie better watch his back when ol Ty's in town cuz I'm not above pullin' a Tanya Harding on him with a 9-iron when he's not lookin'. A brother's gotta eat you know.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Tiger Woods - The Human Cash Register

Wassup, Y'all!

I was lunchin' with my boy Cat Daddy on Monday and between bites of Chicken Gyros over at Nicky's our attention was glued to one of the four TVs in the joint. Most times we're in there checkin' out CNN to see what Smooth is up to, but that day we were watchin' Tiger Woods battle it out with Rocco Mediate for the U.S. Open title.

Can't say that Tiger doesn't add drama to a golf tournament. If you ask me, anyone who can hit the type of shots he hits every time he needs to can also do a little sandbagging to make the outcome look a little more in doubt to jack up the drama and, in the end, enhance the legend. Break out a little limp here, drop a stroke or two there and pull it all back together just in the nick of time. I know that's a jaded view but sometimes his ruckus just looks too much like a movie script.

So while we're saltin' down some fries (which neither of us are supposed to be eatin') I tell Cat Daddy that I caught the Sports Illustrated 2008 Fortunate 50 list which features the 50 top paid American athletes. 'Tiger on top?', he asked. I nod yes and then tell ol boy how much he's made to date in career earnings (golf money and endorsement money) since he went pro 13 years ago. Cat Daddy's lucky to be alive the way he choked on his fries and all...

For those keepin' score and lookin' for an additional address to beg for money if you've already been turned down by Warren Buffet, Bill Gates and Oprah, in 13 years as a pro Tiger has clocked almost $800 million dollars. No misprint, y'all. $800 million. A few years after he started career, I believe it was also Sports Illustrated that predicted that he would become sports first $1 billion dollar athlete - a threshold he's expected to pass in a couple years if his balky knee holds up. Damn. $1 billion dollars...playing golf. Ol Ty's been shakin' his head since he peeped the article.

It's interesting to note that #2 on that list was buster Phil Mickelson who clocked roughly $62 million since last year (well behind Tiger's $127 million). Me and Cat Daddy choked on that one too. Phil Mickelson!? Man, golf is the only sport where you can carve out a lucrative career and not even win consistently. For instance take Zack Johnson. According to PGAtour.com, Ol boy's played 15 tournaments this year, made 12 cuts, finished in the Top 10 once out of those 12 cuts and still clocked more than $500 thousand. Damn. Only in America.

Newly minted Celtic champs Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen made the list at numbers #8 ($31 million), #34 ($17.8 million) and #38 ($16.7 million) respectively. Seems like PP will be due a bump in his 'meager' salary since he's now the reigning Finals MVP. He needs a little bit extra anyway for real actin' lessons since that tomfoolery he pulled with gettin' carried off the court and pushed to the locker room in a wheelchair only to return 20 seconds later bouncing out of the tunnel was grade school caliber at best.

Yeah, I'm hatin' - I'll admit it. Just going through that list will turn a homey green as the Incredible Hulk and also produce many other choke-worthy moments as you come across small timers like Rashard Lewis (#39 - $16.6 million) and Elton Brand (#47 - $15.8 million). Still, I got to believe that the best job in all of sports has got to be caddying for Tiger. You get access to the mansion, yacht and private jet. You also get to travel the world and get a ring side seat at history and never swing a club, never have your nerves tested and rarely get scrutinized by the press. That's straight butter, baby.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Obama, Cosby and Affirmative Action

Wassup, Y'all!

Along with energizing the country (how much of it we shall soon see) with his new jack brand of politics, Smooth Barack has energized the debate about a few issues near and dear to the hearts of southsiders, namely Affirmative Action and just exactly who has the 'right' to be called black (or a southsider in basement terminology).

I read an interesting article about Affirmative Action on the Wall Street Journal's online site with the innocent looking title, 'Fair Enough?'. The subtitle is what really caught my eye - 'Barack Obama's Rise has Americans Debating Whether Affirmative Action Has Run It's Course'. It seems Smooth's recent political success has also become another pebble on the scale on the side of 'Southsiders have arrived. The playing field is level. They don't need any more help than anybody else.' Of course ol Ty contends opponent's of Affirmative Action were already saying this back in '61 when President Kennedy first rolled it out - that's beside the point. My point is that because of who Smooth Barack is he's already found that, like the man in Aesop's fable 'The Man, The Boy and The Donkey', if you try to please everyone, you'll end up pleasing no one...

As I've said before - affirmative action in its current form should be reworked to include all people from disadvantaged backgrounds no matter their persuasion. If that segment includes more southsiders or westsiders (Hispanics) or eastsiders (Asians) or even northsiders (whites) so be it. I'm all for giving folks a hand up to help check that generational privilege that can occur among the wealthy. However, Smooth's dilemma with affirmative action as well as most 'black issues' is that he has to walk a fine line between seeming to 'care too much' about issues effecting southsiders (for fear of alienating northside voters, particularly those rural, bitter, gun clingers) vs. caring too little and alienating a voting bloc that, in no small part, helped him clinch the democratic nomination.

Don't get it twisted, now that the choice is between Citizen McCain and Smooth Barack, there's little he can do lose the southside vote short of showing up at the convention in a Klan robe, but there's a fairly large segment within the southside nation who feel that Smooth's not even black. After all he is 50% white but since the One Drop Rule only works downhill, Smooth is always referred to as a southsider instead of a northsider. Funny how completely old school racial that is, yet the false sentiment is growing that race no longer matters - after all look at Smooth! What a fine young negro! To be honest, the most surprised folks in the room that Smooth managed to be in line for the democratic nomination for President of the United States aren't northsiders (or the rest of the world for that matter). No it was southsiders. By a mile. We're still pickin' ourselves up off the floor on that one. And let Smooth win in the fall. You'll see southsiders fallin' out like those folks in 'The Happening'. I promise you.

So when Smooth busted out like Bill Cosby on Father's Day callin' our large number of absent fathers to task, he may have gotten a standing ovation from northsiders or middle class southsiders but elsewhere in the southside nation, that was affirmation that Smooth is a straight 'Uncle Tom', which is about the most foul curse you can utter to your fellow southsider since it means that you're willing to sell out your race for personal gain. But let Smooth come out and advocate for an issue near and dear to southside hearts like affirmative action and you'll hear them cheer the brother while northsiders recoil angrily and say, 'See? Didn't I tell you about this guy? He's all about the blacks. Next thing you know they'll be running the country (an ironic statement given the current circumstances, but I digress...).

No other candidate has to walk such a fine line. If Citizen McCain advocates policies that largely benefit northsiders, nary an eyelash will be batted since that's been the way of the country since Jamestown. Should Smooth try to do so with southsiders, he does so at his political peril. Up to this point, I have to give the brother credit - he's been walkin' that tightrope better than those Flying Wallendas.

Given the massive challenges that will be dropped at the next president's feet and the additional previously mentioned burdens that only a southside president would have to deal with, my boyz and I have questioned why anyone would want that job right now? I have to believe that Smooth believes in what he's talkin' about - unifying the country and turning the page. I still can't see anyone else so uniquely qualified to do so and I have to give the brother supreme dap for even steppin' up to try.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

R. Kelly - Was there any doubt?

Wassup, Y'all!

You had to know. When the verdict came down the only unsurprised brother in the room was Ol Ty. Despite a video tape, eye witness testimony from the third wheel in a three-way with Kells and the girl in question, and an incriminatin' Boondocks episode, Kells got the verdict he paid for and is headed back to the Chocolate Factory with is duffle bag of homemade porn a free man - acquitted on all counts. Welcome to the remix.

We've been here before, OJ, MJ and now Kells. I have to ask the question - what is the purpose of video? It seems that lawyers have now become too good at tellin' jurors not to believe their eyes. The Rodney King video? The defense lawyer was all like, 'look closely ladies and gentlemen - most of those blows aren't even landing on Mr. King...'. Now with the Kells video they stuck to their story that it wasn't even him on the tape, though pretty much all my homeys who caught the bootleg copy said it was. What more proof is needed than the word of all my homeys? You know the case never had a chance when even one of the northside male jurors came out and said it wasn't him on the tape. Dang, a little bit of money goes a loooong way...

Ol Ty can tell you straight up where the prosecution went wrong - they needed that team from CSI on the case. You know that crew would have been usin' ultraviolet light on the ceiling of the apartment below the one where the alleged pee spray took place to find some residual uric acid, which they would have taken to the lab, time dated to 2002 based on its aging effect on the ceiling drywall and extracted DNA from both Kells *and* the alleged 13-year old victim to crack the case. See that's how it works on TV, y'all. Works all the time. In real life - not so much. That's where cheddar, celebrity and high power lawyers can turn a prosecution's open and shut case into a room full of jurors with a contagious case of the reasonable doubts.

Truthfully there was something unseemly about all the southside shortys outside of the courthouse everyday jockin' each other to get a closer perch in order to spot Kells and scream like the straight chicken-heads they were. Most of them probably would have given their eye teeth to have been the alleged shorty in the video - pee and all and how damn sad is that? I caught a brief interview with one such shorty who said she felt bad seeing Kells roll into the courthouse everyday with his head down and she would always shout over to him, 'Keep ya head up!' Well, apparently given the verdict, Kells had nothing to keep his head down for. Only in America.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The Whitey Tape is real!

Wassup, Y'all!

That's right, y'all I've seen the infamous Whitey tape. Matter of fact there's more than one and I've been checkin' those joints out on TVLand since the story broke on the Internet. Seek and ye shall find - that's what ol Ty always says. And Whitey's backstory? Man, it's sad, y'all. Real sad. Whitey's life started out okay, but eventually Whitey turned to drugs and became a junkie. Later in life, with Whitey's body weakened from a hepatitis C infection, he went into a coma and was finally removed from life support in September '03 after undergoing hernia surgery. That, basement dwellers, is the sad saga of ol Whitey.

Note that nowhere in that description did the name 'Chelle Obama ever come up and I know that's a problem for that large number of numbskulls who'll believe anything they see that attempts to damage a person that they can't stand. It's sad that anyone has to put together a website to refute such jibber-jabber. Sadder still that despite doing so, it won't make a difference for those mental midgets - hold up - that's wrong to even associate those fools with my little people homeys - who will be going to their graves clinging to these myths. What's most sad though is the proven fact that if you don't come out and address even the most outrageous lie, it will catch fire, people will begin believing it and next thing you know, you've lost an election because of it. That's a powerful phenomenon which to ol Ty seems to encourage folks to just throw out any old kind of bull$*&t to see if it can cause a ruckus....

How'd we even get to this point where someone can say anything and it becomes the truth? Losing an election because of it is jacked up but it pales in comparison to losing your life. It's the easiest thing for a student who doesn't like a teacher to say the teacher fondled him or her. It's her word against his and a situation that can quickly lead to loss of job, reputation, family and, in some cases, your life.

Try being a southside homey in the Jim Crow south back in the day. Any northside shorty could say a homey looked at her the wrong way, spoke to her out of school, touched her, raped her, whatever. The end result. Homey would be strange fruit down by the river before the sun went down. Now in the Internet age all it takes is a knucklehead with a laptop, a public library Wi-Fi connection and an aspiration to be irresponsible to start a firestorm.

Thankfully there are sites you can go to to get the straight skinny. As I mentioned before, you can always go to a candidate's website to check facts. You can also go to an independent operators like FactCheck.org (politics) or Snopes.com (every crazy thing you've ever heard) to get unbiased actual factuals. Wherever you go, just go -BEFORE you take any third-party info you receive as the gospel and definitely before you hit the 'send' button to forward it on to everyone you know. Crow leaves a bitter aftertaste, y'all.

Rest In Peace, Whitey.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone