Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Rick Ross: Miami's Most Wanted

Wassup, Y'all!

Been on the road (still stuck in Philly as I type!) so my bad on the spotty postin'! I did have to choke on my Coke a little earlier this week when Mo'Kelly busted out 'thug' rapper Rick Ross tho. Seems as tho Big Rick (who in addition to stealin' his thug credentials also stole real rap thug Suge Knight's Big boy bald/beard look), despite repeated denials that he's a poseur, got busted out by thesmokingun.com. Needless to say, my brother Ichiban and I got a good laugh up under that tomfoolery over the weekend.

Ichiban went one step further sayin' that Big Rick wasn't any better than northsider Jamie 'B-Rad' Kennedy who formed a rap posse with his 'crew' from Malibu, California in the tripped out flick, Malibu's Most Wanted.

In the future, all y'all wannabe poseur gangsta rappers need to take a few notes from Big Rick's cautionary tale to make sure that your suburban, Martha's Vineyard roots don't get put on full blast around the blogosphere. Ol Ty's Top Ten tips based on Big Rick's multiple faux pas's follow after the jump...

1) Burn your Department of Corrections personnel file when you quit
2) If you apply for and get a job as a correctional officer, change your SSN when you blow up as a rapper.
3) Don't give shouts to your mama *and* sister on both your job application *and* your thug CD liner notes
4) Use lye to alter your fingerprints from the ones emblazoned forever on your fingerprint card that reveals a clean criminal background.
5) Miss a couple days of work each week - thugs never have perfect job attendance
6) Alter your birth certificate - straight outta Compton sounds much better than straight outta Coahoma County (Mississippi).
7) Don't head out the door lookin' like Suge Knight's little brother
8) If your a$$ was fat big during your soft days, slim down for your thug persona (or vice versa)
9) Remember that 'stackin' paper' means pilin' up a little more than $25K
10) You normally get more street cred by being *in* a cell at lights out vs. being the one to call 'lights out'.

Lastly, be true to yourself. Seems to me the rap world could use a few more law and order personas like DJ Popo, John Liz-aw, Officer Serv or Coppa Plea. Just a thought, Big Rick. You'd be the first in line, cousin, wouldn't have to lie about your soft a$$ background and would get props for being unique instead being part of that thugged out, blinged out, mean mugging, me-too crew. Get clue, homey. Good news, tho. Despite your revealed softness, Ol Ty still plans to keep you in the hoopty rotation just for laughs.



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