Ty Ain't Got No Samuel L. Jackson Spirit

Wassup, Y'all!

I'll admit it. I'm so tired of Samuel L. Jackson's a$$ I'm thinkin' about sittin' out the upcomin' Christmas Day premiere of 'The Spirit' (in which he stars as the evil villan The Octopus) even though that's a movie that's right up my alley. That brother hasn't had a breakout role since he played 'Gator' in 'Jungle Fever'. 

Okay - I'll give him a little dap for 'Pulp Fiction' but that's it, y'all. The rest of his other 400 movies have been one note performances. When's this brother gonna say 'no' to a movie script - especially those sci-fi joints? What's next Samuel L.? A remake of 2001: A Space Odessey with you as Dave Bowman?? You gonna start hollerin' and get all medieval with HAL the homicidal computer? It's time you take a seat at the back of the room and get a little more selective with your choices. At least act like you're giving other southside actors a shot at more than a minute of screen time...

A quick look at Samuel L.'s upcoming docket reveals no less than five projects in 2009 (though three are voice work projects but that's the most annoying thing about his performances - all that hollerin' and enunciating) and already one penciled in for 2010 - ol Ty's beloved 'Iron Man'. Nooooooooo - don't let that brother mess up my Iron Man 2 experience!

Now don't get me wrong, y'all. I'm all for a well spoken brother that knows how to enunciate the King's English but a little proper enunciation goes a long, long way. Take Larry Fishburne for example. That brother can enunciate with the best of them. You hear every syllable of every word. You hear every accent on every syllable. But what you don't hear (or see) is Larry's a$$ every twenty-five seconds in an upcomin' movie trailer. It's like Mama Malone always says, 'Everything in moderation' - particularly when she spots me with half the Red Velvet Cake at holiday gatherings...but I digress.

Samuel L.! Take a page from the Will Smith book of becoming a blockbuster movie star - pick two or three diverse roles each year and play the hell out of them. Keep switchin' up - action one minute, romantic comedy the next followed by a meaty family drama of some kind. Quit being a one trick pony, fast paycheck ho - your Screen Actor's Guild card ain't going run away if you take a little time off! Let folks miss you and thoughfully ask, 'Man - when's Samuel L. gonna drop another one?' instead of seein' you in every movie trailer that comes out and thoughtfully askin', 'When the hell is that brother gonna go away?'. You feel me? Don't be the southside Sarah Palin. Take a break and take that under advisement.

In the meantime, holler back if you can hook me up with Eva Mendes' digits...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Act Three: Jesse Jr. - The Federal Rat

Wassup, Y'all!

This one surprised even me. One minute ol Ty's gettin' ready to start fresh and move on from J-Jack, Jr.'s Chicago soap opera, the next minute CNN's reporting that homey's been a rat bastard confidential informant for the U.S. Attorney's office for ten years and droppin' dimes on F-Rod Blagojevich for the last two (dap to whataboutourdaughters.com for hippin' Ty to these actual factuals). Y'all know I'm playin' with that 'rat bastard' stuff. Ol Ty's been known to take in a mob flick or two and we know there's no love lost between those boys and federal informants. In this case though, this unexpected twist just might be Jr.'s road back from the wilderness....

It's interesting how the blocks seemingly keep falling together. Monday on 'Chicago Turns', ol Ty linked the fact that F-Rod mentioned he was getting 'big pressure' not to name Jr. to Smooth Barack's vacant senate seat to the fact his name got left off of Smooth's short list of 'acceptable' seat fillers. Last Friday, ol Ty mentioned that F-Rod said that he wanted some 'up-front money' as proof that 'Senate Candidate #5' would come through on a promise to raise $500,000 for his re-election campaign because he had a previous bad experience with Senate Candidate #5 not keepin' his promises when it came to contributions. Now in CNN's report they note that, 'in 2002, Blagojevich — then running for governor of Illinois — solicited a $25,000 campaign donation from Jackson, which he did not get'. Not only that but at the time of the request for 25 large, Jr.'s wife was up for the Lottery Commission Director's job - which she didn't get and the following year once F-Rod took office, he allegedly told Jr. 'You see what $25,000 would have done?' Now I don't know how they play it in other parts of the country but up in The Windy - that's a straight beat down comment with a rib kick finish.

The way this is headin' you half expect F-Rod to turn up in an ice chunk in the Chicago River very, very soon. As for Jr.? Man, this is turnin' into a straight popcorn movie, y'all. Lookin' forward to the next episode.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Jesse Jackson, Jr. To Obama: Et Tu, Smooth?

Wassup, Y'all!

Occasionally in high school English class, ol Ty would take his mind off the honeys long enough to actually read an assignment or two. I appreciated Shakespeare's 'Julius Caesar' cuz it was kinda gangster - like Nino Brown and his crew in 'New Jack City'. Ultimately, JC became a legend in his own mind and his crew stabbed his a$$ to death - includin' his boy Brutus who had been his homey from way back. As his life dripped away, JC looked over to Brutus and dropped the immortal quote, 'Et tu, Brute?', questioning how even his boy could dog him so coldly.

Now as Jesse Jackson, Jr. continues to plead for his political life and more details emerge about the events leading up to the 'Let's Make A Deal' ruckus surrounding Smooth Barack's vacant senate seat, one thing is clear: Despite J-Jack, Jr. being a co-chair of Smooth's national campaign and publically layin' out his pop for his 'off mic' comments about wantin' to cut of Smooth's testicles for talkin' down to southsiders, Smooth consipicuously left Jr.'s name off his short list of 'acceptible' candidates for his senate seat. Daaaaaang - et tu, Smooth? Et tu?...

Smooth's girl Valerie Jarrett, Smooth's Illinois protege Tammy Duckworth, Illinois Comptroller Ed Hynes, U.S. Rep Jan Schakowsky and last minute addition Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan? All on 'the list'. Where's Jr.? Left the hell out - that's where. In last Friday's post, written after my extensive analysis of the government's 78 page federal criminal compliant of governor F-Rod Blagojevich's bush league behavior, I called out the fact that F-Rod mentioned that he was getting 'big pressure' not to award the seat to Jr. My question at that time was, 'from who?' Now I'm not sayin', y'all. I'm just sayin'.

I can't quite explain the lack of J-Jack, Jr. love from Camp Obama except that maybe Smooth wasn't really quite as understanding of J-Jack, Sr.'s testicular comments as he made out to be. Could homey still be a little salty? And if so, what kind of future treatment can Governor F-Rod expect from Smooth after referrin' to him as a mother-f$%ker? Hell hath no fury like a homeboy dissed, y'all. Good luck, F-Rod. 

Jr.! Maybe a well timed fruit basket would help, homey. Nothing says you care like some Fuji apples and a few easy peel clementines.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

1 Jesse Jackson Jr. = 1 Senate Candidate #5

Wassup, Y'all!

As I speculated in my Wednesday post on the sad shenanigans perpetrated by our Illionois Governor F-Rod Blagojevich, up and comin' Chicago congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. has been identified as the infamous 'Senate Candidate #5' - the candidate outed in the 78-page federal criminal complaint as a candidate desiring Smooth Barack Obama's vacant senate seat and seemingly willing to 'pay to play' with F-Rod by offering between $500,000 to $1 million to his re-election campaign....

Naturally, J-Jack, Jr. is vigorously defendin' his innocence and publically stated that it's an 'impossibility' that someone on his behalf could have made such an offer but you have to wonder why F-Rod and his crew would lie about the existence of that offer if they weren't aware they were being recorded by the feds? Something fishy is going on in J-Jack land which is unfortunate since ol Ty thought he was actually qualified for the vacancy on his own merits built as a congressman.

Initially it appears that F-Rod was just throwin' J-Jack's name out there to put pressure on Smooth's team to 'sweeten the pot' if they wanted to see Smooth's girl Valerie Jarrett get the seat. Later on, the F-Rod team alludes to 'evelating' the possibility of J-Jack, Jr. gettin' the seat because they think there's a possibility of gettin' some chedda 'up front'. Apparently a J-Jack, Jr. emissary said that J-Jack, Jr. could put things in place to generate the $500,000-$1million if needed. F-Rod wanted a piece of that up-front to make sure that J-Jack, Jr. followed through. Apparently, F-Rod had a previous bad experience with J-Jack, Jr. not following through on promises hence his tactic to try and get him to put some skin in the game with an up-front payment.

All this is alledged to have gone on despite the fact that F-Rod was claiming that he was getting big pressure *not* to give the seat to J-Jack, Jr. From who? I guess time will tell as this thing gets juicier by the day. What's clear in all this is that J-Jack, Jr.'s once promising political career is in serious jeopardy. It's going to be interesting to see if he can recover - and possibly just run for the seat outright in 2010, but as more details emerge that possibility seems to be gettin' dimmer by the day. Ahhh Chicago politics :-)

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

F-Rod: Illinois Goes from Obama High to New Low

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - just when Illy was gettin' some positive, Smooth Barack related press along comes Rod 'Tony Soprano' Blagojevich to help it reclaim its title as one of the most policially corrupt states in the Union. You got to give it up to F(**k)-Rod - homey was swingin' for the fences behind in the count 0-2, but obviously cousin didn't watch those 'Soprano' or 'The Wire' episodes too closely or he wouldn't have been jibber-jabbering out of school over compromised phone lines.

Now instead of featherin' his post governor nest with a ton of ill-gotten paper, he'll likely be headed for a cell next to our former corrupt Governor George Ryan (unless he gets his sentence commuted by GW on his way out the door). Seems to me, now that F-Rod has established a new bottom for blatent corruption, ol Ty would have to say that won't help Ryan's case out too much. If I'd have know that Smooth's Senate seat was up for sale, I'd have tossed my hat into the ring too. I got a couple homeys who would have staked me - even have a couple suits too...

I can't believe that F-Rod was mixin' Smooth's name in all that foul language. Motherf****r this, f**k that. A potty mouth like that will fit in very nicely in federal prison - especially once Tossed Salad Man shows up with his jar of Smucker Grape Jelly. The irony is that once he goes to prison, his pardon request will have to go through Smooth. That's what writers call 'delicious irony', y'all. It doesn't get more tasty than that, but given Smooth's 'turn the other cheek, 'team of rivals'' attitude you'd have to wonder if ol boy just might consider that kind of madness. But that's Smooth. Ol Ty? F-Rod's a$$ would be on the next flight down to Guantanemo for some daily waterboarding until he could correctly answer the question, 'Who's your daddy now?' But that's just me, y'all.

Anyway, this should be some good theater watching all this play out. It must have been wild to be F-Rod yesterday - wakin' up a state governor with about 70 money making irons in the fire and going to bed last night national public enemy #1 and wishing it was Monday again. F**k that, F-Rod. Like my main man Sammy Davis, Jr. used to sing before every episode of 'Baretta' - 'Don't to the criiiiiime, if you can't do the time'. See you on Court TV, homey!

In the meantime - Jesse Jr.! You bet not be Senate Candidate #5! And there's about one guy I'd like to see as the next governor of Illinois - U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald - the last Boy Scout. All ol boy ever does is his job. Can't ask for more.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

No Cryin' For OJ, Y'all!

Wassup, Y'all!

Here's how I see it. There are stupid brothers - Plaxico, Mike Vick, T.I., Boy King Kwame, blada, blada, blada - and then there's OJ. Two distinct events occurred on Friday after Judge Jackie 'I Don't Even Play' Glass dropped her sentence of 9-33 years in prison - northsiders, who believed they'd been short-changed after No-J's double murder trial, rejoiced that justice had finally been served and southsiders collectively scratched their heads at how one brother could be so damn stupid.

I've commented before on the night and day northside/southside reaction to No-J's double murder acquittal. It wasn't that we didn't think homey was guilty. No. Rather that inappropriately joyous reaction, in my opinion, resulted from the sudden, collective realization that even southside money could buy justice in the court system. We finally had our own southside Claus Von Bulow. Yeah - I know that's triflin' but when you've been beat down by the justice system for so long you tend to take 'em where you can get 'em...

So despite losing a multi-million dollar civil suit related to the double murders, becomin' a walking parriah and knowin' that Johnny Cochran wouldn't be comin' back from the great beyond just in case his a$$ needed savin' again, brother No-J decides that it would be a good idea to get a couple homeys and some guns and roll up into a Vegas hotel room to 'get his $hit back'. $hit that clearly must have been worth 9-33 years of his life. That's what ol Ty calls some 'Really 'Good $hit', y'all. Maybe he really believed that 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas' jibber-jabber. Or maybe he was just stupid.

I was down at Winky's Corner Store on Saturday - out front chewin' down some fruity Starburst and one of the bad neighborhood kidz named Romello asked me why I thought No-J was so stupid. 'After all', he said, 'you just can't let another homey steal your $hit without some consequences and repercussions'. I said, 'Look here Romello. No-J was a brother who liked to play with matches. Say one day he decides to go into a gasoline factory and spark off a few. Next thing he knows the factory catches fire, he's caught in a corner and the main gas tank is about to blow. He's a gonner for sure until a fireman named Johnny Cochran swings in, scoops him up and carries him up a rope and through a skylight to safety just before the whole factory blows sky high. Now if the very next day, No-J goes back into another gasoline factory and starts sparkin' off some more matches, what would you call him?'

Romelo thought about that for a few and finally said, 'Stupid'. 'Exactly', I said givin' him a dap. 'Now you're feelin' me.' Lil homey smiled and rolled out and I reached for the rest of my Starbursts only to find that his little a$$ had boosted them right out of my pocket. For a minute I thought about getting a couple of homeys together and some guns and rollin' up on his backyard treehouse to 'get my $hit back' but I ultimately ended up back in mama's basement typin' this post.

Mama Malone didn't raise no dummies, y'all...unlike Mama Simpson.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The end of Detroit's Sex Text Scandal

Wassup, Y'all!

I dropped my 'Kwame Kilpatrick: Boy King To Do A Bid' post a little more than a year ago in the wake of Boy King's admission of guilt in the scandalous Detroit Sex Text ruckus, ol Ty speculated on the fate of his undercover lover Christine 'C-Beat' Beatty. My contention was that ol boy would leave her twistin' in the wind as he weasled the best plea deal he could get for himself. After all, undercover lovers don't really look all that good in the light of day - they're much more attractive muted in shadows and dangerous intrigue - LOL!...

Well the shoe dropped on C-Beat yesterday as she entered her own guilty plea and choked out a few heartfelt, "Mama No"s as she was ordered to read a statement aloud in the courtroom admitting her lyin', cheatin' ways. Gotta like that in the justice system. Like when they put celebrities out on the street to do menial labor for all to see (Boy George, Naomi) or publish the names of homeys caught visitin' the shortys on the stroll down on lower Wacker. It reminds me of the glossys I saw of a southside mother who made her teenage son hold a sign up on a public street declarin' that he wanted to 'go to jail to visit his daddy' after he got caught stealin. His mama pulled up a lawn chair and got her lemonade on while she sat next to him all damn day.  Ahhhh - southside tough love.

Guess that approach works for grown folks too as the report says that C-Beat couldn't even get it out she was cryin' so hard. The judge had to call a brief pause for the cause but still made her do it. So ends a sad chapter in Detroit history, an era that included a political implosion, an auto industry implosion, a housing market implosion, a football team implosion and a fashion implosion brought on by those fashionably questionable short sets.  Man - what a fall. From top of the world, running a major American city to straight convict #1238475, moppin' floors and hearin' whispers in the night about how 'Im a get that pretty a$$'.

Cautionary tale y'all! Kanye heard 'em say, 'Nothin's ever promised tomorrow today'. Keep ya head up, Motown! Better days are comin'.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

It Was Plaxico, In His Pants, With The Revolver

Wassup, Y'all!

In the perfect companion piece to my 'Was it Marvin, At The Club, With The Belgian Gun?' post - a well written summary of Indianpolis Colts wide reciever Marvin Harrison's shadowy involvement in a nightclub shooting - we now have Knucklehead #1 Plaxico Burress apparently gettin' all medieval with himself by fumblin' a gun in his pants and accidently shooting a hole in his thigh (hence the Texico The Clown glossy at right). Quit laughin', y'all - that ain't right.

Maybe Texico didn't know that every gun comes with a safety which, when engaged, will prevent your dumb a$$ from shootin' a hole in your thigh if you should fumble your gat in your pants. And maybe Texico also didn't know that in New York, if you have no permit for your gat and you carry it around all concealed like that you're lookin' at a mandatory 3 1/2 year bid. Looks like ol Ty may have to put up a new countdown clock next to Mike Vick's (y'all notice I refused to put up a T.I. count down clock least I get a silent cap popped in my a$$)....

Now callin' Texico an idiot would be unkind to the idiot. The idiot is just, well, an idiot. Texico is the idiot who just signed a $35 million dollar contract at the beginning of the season (after playin' hurt the entire '08 season and pullin' down the Superbowl winning touchdown), spent most of the season being ineffective (why not? Dude already signed the new contract), then decided that rollin' to a club with a concealed weapon and shootin' himself in the thigh was a lot better than being a starting NFL player with a $35 million dollar contract. I have to respectfully disagree. I'll admit it's a pretty tough choice but ol Ty would probably opt to get his moves on in the NFL and spend the fiddy-three mil on a world wide travelin' spree during the off-season. But that's just me. Clearly southside homeys with 'X's in their names from Norfolk prefer the late night club ruckus and bullet holes in their thighs (and, I admit, some pretty good seafood).

*Sigh* In the end, Texico couldn't even catch a gun in his pants. Looks like his last catch may be a 3 1/2 year bid. Go long, Texico! Go looooooong!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone