Forget Grease - *L* is the Word

Wassup, Y'all!

Regular readers here at the Malone Zone will remember old Ty's early days when I had a regular penchant for posting glossys of smoking shortys. Between now and then, I've jibber-jabbered on a bunch of different topics but I'm happy to report that today marks a return to the golden days of vintage glossys so sit back and do some diligent reflection on exhibit A - Sarah Shahi who plays smoking westside club DJ, girl toy Carmen de la Pica Morales on the Showtime series The L Word. If she's not enough, read on to see why if you aren't checking that show out, you should stop and ax somebody y'all...

I have to admit that I first started watching The L Word for strictly shallow reasons - y'all know how I do. Truth be told, that joint is like your best boy's bachelor party - a legitimate reason to peep scantily clad women. With the bachelor party it's like "but baby - I'm just going cuz I'm Gin Fizz's boy and he'd be hurt if I didn't show...". For TLW it's just as close - it like "but baby, I'm just trying to get a deeper understanding of the lesbian culture so I won't be so judgemental...". See? Legimate peepin', y'all. And the thing about TLW is that most weeks the cast tends to be less scantily clad than most women on cable if you know what I'm sayin'. But after enjoying half of the first season (Season 3 is currently running now, y'all), ol Ty discovered that just like that warning that Bill Cosby dropped before each episode of the Cosby Kids cartoon on Saturday ("If you aren't careful you just might learn something"), suddenly I realized that there actually is a deeper understanding of the lesbian culture to get - who knew? I have to admit the show is really well done and if you tapped that link at the beginning to check 'Carmen's' background you'll see that the other actresses on the show aren't chopped liver either. But just when you get used to seeing Carmen jumping in and out of the shower with her girl, TLW will drop a *deep* dose of reality on a brother by intro'ing a character like Max/Moira - a confused shorty who's feels like a guy trapped in a woman's body. No, y'all - it's not all pretty on The L Word... It's about this time that I'll fast forward to other scenes with Carmen in them (refer to my previous 'shallow' comment above, y'all. There's no shame in my game...).

Now my boy DLT stepped out there and made the claim that Sarah Shahi has the best booty in televison. That's a bold statement given the wide expanse of cable TV booty available, not to mention the ghetto end of the dial known as UPN. So I'll drop the following glossy and let the readers chime in with their thoughts - pro or con. I'm an impartial 3rd party, y'all so my vote doesn't count so if you disagree, drop an alternate nominee - don't just hate. Me? I'm still morning the loss of Tisha Campbell from My Wife and Kids last season...

So if you have about 50 minutes to spare next Sunday night, continue your 'deep reflection' of Sarah by peepin an episode of TLW...hopefully you can TiVo that joint so you can fast forward through some of the deeper scenes...the water's fine at the shallow end of the pool, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The Lost Boys...

Wassup, Y'all!

You know there are times when old Tyrone actually *doesn't* hear about things first (shocking as that may be, y'all) and that I actually have to depend on my world renowned network to bring you the information you need to know. In this case, y'all need to be thankful to Northside 'Betty Crocka Smack Talka' Shorty who happened upon the details of a necessary documentary while spinning her radio dial and accidently landing on NPR…

The documentary is called The Boys of Baraka and focuses on a program in Baltimore that annually selected 20 black male teens to attend the Baraka School - an alternative school located Kenyan bush country (now closed). The program's primary focus was to show the teens an alternative lifestyle completely opposite from the buck wild, drug fueled anarchy ruling B'more's inner city streets - an environment that boasts the shameful statistic of an 80% high school dropout rate among B'more's black boys. 50% of that crew ends up doing a bid in prison copping three hots and cot on the state's dime. Think about those numbers, y'all and tell me this isn't a story that needs to be told (or a program that needs to be continued...).

So while Spike Lee, Ice Cube, the Wayans brothers, the Hudlin brothers, Oprah (is there an end to this list?) are going mainstream , Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady, two civic minded Northside shortys decided to do just that. Check out the trailer to get a feel for what to expect. Your next challenge will be to try and find this bad boy in any movie theater that's in your area (particularly since it got snubbed by the Oscars in the Best Documentary category - now to be fair March of the Penguins *was* an amazing piece of film making but Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room? Man, you can check that out live during the Ken Lay/Jeff Skilling trial on Court TV! Okay - that trailer looks pretty good too, but you get my point...). It did receive critical notice at the South by Southwest Film Festival but y'all can tell by that title it ain't Sundance.

Anyway, the blog Cinematical did a nice interview with Rachel Grady during which old girl dropped this among her many tight quotes:

"For Americans – for me – it was just so strange that children from the richest country in the world were going to the poorest country on earth to get an education. It was just extremely ironic."

Whoa - didn't hear that one in the State of the Union address! Oh well - there's always next year to address social ills like these. For those of you unfamiliar with how uninviting the *inner city* (not B'more's *Inner Harbor* - that joint is off the cheezy, y'all - particularly for you sea food freaks out there…) streets of B'more are, you can check them out from the safety of your couch by peeping old shows of that excellent HBO series 'The Corner'. That joint will show you what hard living is all about, jack and how the mean streets can even turn a fine shorty like Khandi Alexander (check her out in CSI: Miami now, y'all) into a Halle Berry, Jungle Fever crackhead. It ain't pretty, y'all. It ain't pretty.

So look for that joint at a theater nowhere close to you. I'll close with another timely quote from a reviewer on Rottentomatoes.com and it goes a little something like this:

"If American TV journalism were doing its job, reportage such as this would be regularly playing on major networks instead of limited runs at art house theaters."
-- Jurgen Fauth, ABOUT.COM

Amen, home skillet. Amen. I guess y'all will just have to stick with me to get your sideways dose of the actual factuals (and hope NS Shorty keeps channel hopping during her commute!). Good lookin' out, NS Shorty!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Lil Penny Hits Hard Times...

Wassup, Y'all!

Ooooo weeeeee the funk got hot on the Oprah Show today (or so I'm told since I don't watch the Oprah Show, y'all). My entertainment insider Gin Fizz dropped the actual factuals that Queen B(ook) Oprah called out old school L'il Penny Hardaway today and took him to task on her show for the many 'factual' inaccuracies pointed out in his autobiographical memoir Knee High and Livin' Large - The World According to Me...

Personally, I'm a little disappointed too as Oprah's Book Club recommendations carry a lot of weight (no pun intended on that one, y'all) and it's hard enough for a brother to catch some literary limelight without this kind of ruckus going on! As of this posting, L'il Penny remained secluded in his Brentwood home and is rumored to be negotiating with his girl Tyra Banks to appear on her show to set the record straight. Among the many 'facts' in dispute in LP's 1999 book are the points that 1) Anfernee Hardaway is still playing in the NBA, 2) that Anfernee was just as good a player with Shaquille O'Neal as without him and 3) that Anfernee's mama was a good speller in school. Apparently, a routine investigation conducted by the NBA's Office of Missing and Exploited Players concluded that Anfernee Hardaway has not been seen on a basketball court since the early 2000-2001 season.

L'il Penny contends the controversy is an elaborate smear campaign orchestrated by his arch rival, Sprite pitchman Miles Thirst and his boy LeBron James. Thirst and L'il Penny, previously fast friends and constant fixtures on the LA club scene allegedly fell out when LP heard that Thirst did the grown up with his girl Tyra Banks at her farewell Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last month - a charge Banks vigorously denies, hence her airtime offer to LP on one of her upcoming shows.

In the meantime, while LP's 15 minutes of fame drain away, Miles Thirst's popularity is blasting through the stratosphere thanks to his close association with the Spirte 'Obey Your Thirst' ad campaign and his club card membership in LeBron's 'King James' entourage. His popularity got an additional boost when rumors began swirling that Angelina Jolie's unborn baby is actually his and not Brad Pitt's,. Suki, suki! I know Jen has *got* to be enjoying that tasty morsel. Maaa fact - that little Ethiopian crumb snatcher on her hip looks a lot like MT too... Seems to me that Thirst has been showing a little more than just his motto around Hollywood these days, but y'all didn't hear that from me...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Back on the block disobeying the law...

Wassup, Y'all!

The rumors of my capping have been greatly exaggerated! Yeah y'all, the kid's back in effect, recharged from a holiday trip down to the islands visiting my deep and Africanic brothers and sisters down in the Caribbean. I would have been back on the air sooner but I got back to mama's basement to find old girl had disconnected my broadband connection. Even though the service is in her name, that was a trifling, rookie move, y'all. I know y'all missed me cuz I missed myself and I have to admit that it feels good to be tickling the keyboard keys again. I decided to ease y'all back into the groove with a little preview of a movie that I've been fiending on for the longest - Spike Lee's upcoming crime caper Inside Man...

Now I've been trying to hang with the Spike Lee Joints since Nola Darling and She's Gotta Have It. There was something about fast talking Mars Blackmon please baby, baby pleasing and Nola confidently expressing her inner freak that made me think - hmmmmm, maybe I need to tap into this Forty Acres and A Mule business. Then Spike introduced us to Latin mami Rosie Perez and I knew he was my kind of director jack. But I yearned for him to up the ante and start cranking out some bigger pics - something with scope and depth like his mentor Martin Scorsese and he almost hit that note once when he dropped Malcom X ("We didn't land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on us!) . I appreciated that effort and his go to guy Denzel Washington was hitting and holding in that role, but alas, my boy Spike zigged instead of zagged and dropped Crooklyn, Girl 6, yada, yada, yada. Finally the boy completely lost his mind and dropped She Hate Me on an unsuspecting movie watching public and I thought we'd lost old Spike forever.

Then out of the blue I start hearing rumors of another Spike Lee Joint in the works with names attached to it like Clive Owen, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Jodie Foster, Willem Dafoe, Christopher Plummer and, of course, Daddy Denzel. Now all the sudden I'm like hmmmm, there must be a new director in Hollywood cribbing Spike's name cuz I know he couldn't pull that kind of star power. But as luck would have it, this is the next Spike Lee Joint due to hit theaters on March 17. The buzz is good, the trailer is good, and the cast is stellar so I'm figuring not even Spike can mess this one up. I'm waiting for old boy to finally get his due as a bankable director before Ice Cube beats him to the Oscar stage with Barbershop 5. Hey, a brother can dream can't he?

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Shock The Monkey

Wassup, Y'all!

It's been a while since old Tyrone has dipped into the local cinema to catch a flick - an oversite I plan to correct in the coming new year but I did get a chance to peep the new King Kong joint last weekend to see how it stacked up to that politically incorrect, stop motion 1933 original joint as well as that campy a$$ 1976 joint that starred (actually *introduced* so you *know* that was back in the day!) Jessica Lange. I'm here to report that I laughed, I cried and came away wondering how it is that after 72 years, King Kong can still make the island natives look like stereotypical caricatures...

Overall, I liked that joint y'all and I'm digging deep to give Peter Jackson's King Kong vision 3 Spinners. Most of those Spinners are dropped on the King himself - Mighty Kong - who demonstrated singlehandly how far special FX have come since herky jerky 1933 Kong. Amazing y'all and likely due to the fact that his expressions were motion captured from a real actor (Andy Serkis who provide the same service for that precioussss little Golum in the Lord of the Rings trilogy). Kong is the best thing in the movie and the fact that he shows up pretty much halfway through a three hour movie tells you where that other Spinner went.

This joint is long y'all and - unlike the previously mentioned Lord of the Rings movies and Saving Private Ryan - you do notice time passing. Our fair haired damsel in distress, Naomi Watts, puts her foot in her role as Ann Darrow, Kong's girl toy (y'all will remember me proppin' Naomi's work on The Ring flicks and she also brought it home in the back-in-the-day 21 Grams which I *finally* caught on DVD (3.5 Spinners!)). Jack Black is his same over the top self as Carl Denham, the opportunistic film director and Oscar winner Adrien Brody (who busted that slob on shorty Halle Berry at the awards show) is good but a little unconvincing as the story's sub-hero (he's Denham's screenwriter and everyone knows writers never get the girl! Y'all know Kong's the real hero).

But here are the actual factuals on this joint - it was good but could have been better and still clocked in at about 2 1/2 hours. In the writing world, conflict is good to hold an audience's attention. The rule of thumb is to make it BIG - put your hero/heroine in a desperate situation, then figure out how to make that situation even more desperate. Seems to me Jackson took that rule a bit too far, y'all. All the action scenes were drawn out well past the point of excitement. They started great and then just kept going and going and going and... Several of them stretched credibility pretty far (I know it's a movie about a giant ape but given that I still prefer action to stay within the bounds of reality, come on now!). Which brings us back to those island natives...

The controversy with the 1933 version of Kong was that the natives on Skull Island were portrayed as stereotypical jungle south siders courtesy of an unchecked north side view. Think early Tarzan vs. Shaka Zulu or Roots - The Saga of an American Family. Jackson's vision gives his Skull Island natives a hyperviolent, nasty Middle Earth vibe but unlike the hell spawned denizens from his Lord of the Rings flicks, you could tell the majority of the actors playing Jackson's natives were south siders. Seems to me on Skull Island they could have cast anybody for those roles but somehow we always seem to fall back on clowning south siders - hmmmm. In my opinion, you could have had the same movie by casting my girl Vanessa Williams as Ann Darrow and a bunch of grubby looking north siders (check out Rob Zombie's 'The Devil's Rejects' for examples, y'all) as the natives (kinda like 'The Others' in Lost) but I'm figuring that thought never crossed anyone's mind - except mine. That's why I'm here with you, y'all -- to keep my Urban Eye open and point out the obvious. I know, I know - you're welcome - no thanks necessary for my tireless work on your behalf. I got your back.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

How To Be Just Plain Nasty...

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm sitting here munching on some of 'Tini Mack's left over Lime Chips and pondering the news he dropped at our last poker sitdown. As you've heard me say from time to time, it's always good to have a little time to bond with the fellas so you can expound on the actual factuals over some good food, drink and poker. There are always a few tasty details dropped and, in this case, 'Tini dropped one about my boss (I sometimes do freelance work outside the basement, y'all. A brother needs a few duckets in his pocket to keep moms from cutting off the heat and it's *cold* here in Chicago, people!). Anyway, 'Tini, ever the diplomat says, "Dude, if your boss ever tries to hand you a memo, don't take it". I ask why not and he says, "cuz I was in the bathroom earlier today and he rolled out of the stall without washing his hands!" Hence the title of this post y'all - that type of behavior is just straight nasty and sadly, according to the American Society of Microbiologists, all too common...

See nasty a$$ sh&t like that's the reason why Japanese folks avoid the whole ingrained American custom of the greeting handshake. A bow at five paces will save you that unexpected E. Coli infection your boss is set to pass on because he was too busy to wipe his a$$ then *wash* his nasty hands!! How is this possible when we're trained as biddy bop, crumbsnatchers to always wash up? Let's see what those Microbiologists have to say about this...

Hmmm, according to their September 27th New York Times report, though 91% of folks surveyed claimed they wash their hands after bathroom extracirriculars, observers found only 82% actually did so. What's up with that other nasty 9%? The survey polled about a 1,000 folks so we're talking roughly 90 nasty a$$es who willing rolled out the restroom without so much as a drop of water hitting their hands. I'm sure something else was hitting those hands, but clearly no water. Damn. Let's continue since it gets worse. 90% of women washed their hands vs. just 75% of men. Damn, fellas! And we wonder why women don't want us holding the remote!!

The survey folks had observers staked out at Turner Field in Atlanta, the Museum of Science and Industry and the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago, Grand Central Station and Penn Station in New Yawk City and the Ferry Terminal Farmer's Market in San Francisco. It's no surprise that only 74% of baseball fans in Atlanta washed up - since baseball's so damn nasty anyway with all that spitting and scratching going on during the game. Also no surprise that only 79% of New Yawk commuters washed up since we are talking about New Yawk. The *BIG* surprise was how hygenic the 'Frisco folks were clocking in at 88%. Why is that a surprise? You do the math, y'all... But the big ups go the Chicago crew at the Shedd Aquarium who doused their digits 89% of the time. I'm pretty sure Mayor Daley will figure out how to claim credit for that too.

Damn - with behavior like this, you know when the Asian Bird Flu busts out we're all going down. 'Cept me that is - I've got my little survival kit all stocked up here in the basement...Epsom Salt, iodine, face mask, mama's chicken soup and a year's supply of Maxim magazines as I'll probably have to cut the shortys short for the duration (unless they come equipped with a clean, same day health report). In the meantime, I'm off to take a long, hot shower, y'all before copping some latex gloves for my trip to work tomorrow...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Miss Penitentary 2005!

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, y'all know there was NO way I could let this fly by without a comment! Am I the only brother on the planet who thinks that prison should be just that - PRISON!?? Clearly our homies in Brazil have a different way of thinking. Yeah, yeah I know we need to be eternally grateful for their everlasting contribution to fashionable swim/strip club wear by dropping the thong bikini on an unsuspecting world but a penitentary beauty pageant for shortys on lockdown? Man, how does a brother get tickets to that?...

First let me apologize for dropping that vintage glossy cuz that's not actually Miss Penitenary 2005 (aka drug smuggler Angelica Mazua) but her foine predecessor Fernanda Maria de Jesus - Miss Penitentary 2004 who mysteriously gained early release after her walk down the concrete runway. Coincidence? I think not, y'all.

Hmmmm...according to prison officials, the Sao Paulo prison pageant is designed to "boost inmates' self-confidence". I can see it now, y'all - you know this ruckus will be making its way north in no time and Lil Kim's gonna get her roll on (she's got the talent competition all locked up) and primp and rap her way to the title of Miss US Federal Lock Up 2006! Here's a thought - why not help young women boost their self-confidence by 1) encouraging them to stay the hell out of jail, 2) getting society to pass along the message that it's not all about the body but what's going on inside your head?

Ooooo - I can hear y'all now yapping, 'Dang Ty, that's like the pot calling the kettle black, homeboy. I don't think you met a scantily clad glossy you haven't boosted to post on this site. Dude - kinda hypocritical don't you think?' To which I would reply with my patented, 'Please - don't hate. Appreciate!' If the Brazilians can boost inmates' self-confidence by letting them participate in a beauty pageant (least they made them kick the one-piece swimsuit. If they had busted out in thongs during the swimsuit competition you know a riot would have broken out in that joint!!) the least old Tyrone can do is help our American shortys feel honored and respected so they can get a little self-confidence boost too.' I'm only doing my part, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The Double Edged Shorty Sword...

Wassup, Y'all!


5-0 finally tracked my butt down and dragged me back to the basement. I've been kicking it out on the street a lot lately, hence my lackadaisical posting schedule but I appreciate y'all keeping an eye out for a brother and checking back in from time to time.

In the wake of the news of Debbie LaFave, the hottie middle school teacher who slept with one of her 14 year old students and walked with *no* jail time, old Tyrone feels compelled to dip into the touchy subject of the 'Shorty Double Standard'...

Now y'all know if the tables had been turned and it was a homeboy middle school teacher who had consensual sex with a 14 year old female student, old boy would be in federal prison right now doing a 20 year bid and tossing all kinds of salads . What's that about? Mainly it's about old school society giving an up top high five to a supposed mack daddy 14 year old who's got the mojo to pull a twenty-something hottie blonde school teacher. Sad but true. But wait there's more!

Remember a few weeks back when two Carolina Panther cheerleaders got caught getting busy in a restaurant bathroom stall ? Homeboys - what was your first thought? I'm sure it was similar to mine and went a little something like this, "Damn - wish I could have peeped that action! Why do I *always* have to be in the stall next to a big boy with digestive trouble??" Okay flip the script and ask the shortys what their first thought was? Probably something like, "Those are a couple of skanky ass heifers! That's nasty!" See? It all depends on your sexual persuasion, y'all.

Now if we really flipped the script and discuss that persistent rumor of Eddie Murphy being gay (despite the talk about him kicking with Mariah Carey in Miami during this year's MTV VMAs. Even that talk couldn't quite erase the memory of Eddie and the transvestite in the alley…). The attached glossy is courtesy of Got HipHop? which is pubbing a story about some potential shenanigans going on between Eddie Murphy and Johnny Gill (seems old boy had to keep up with Bobby Brown somehow, y'all - being his New Edition replacement and all!) since they're hanging out pretty tough and now apparently Johnny has moved into Eddie's guest house. Damn - isn't this the slippery slope that OJ went down with Kato Kalin's butt? Anyway just hearing a rumor like that will make the homeboys *and* the shortys cringe. What is it that makes girl/girl action palatable but boy/boy action something worthy of gouging your own eyes out? I sure don't know but I know I'm getting itchy just typing about it, y'all!

Before I jet, I wanted to let those homeboys out there who've been fiending for a Serena Williams fix know that Got HipHop? has a couple choice glossys of old girl that show what happens when you try to get *all that* into an outfit that's not built for *all that*. I'm pretty sure homegirl knew that ahead of time, but had to test the laws of physics anyway. Yet another well worn play from the Shorty Handbook that I *keep* falling for.

Gobble, Gobble, y'all! Happy Thanksgiving!!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Mr. Biggs Does it up Capone Style

Wassup, Y'all!

You know, there's a thin line between fact and fantasy. Nowhere is this more clearly illustrated than in Hollywood. You've got Russell Crowe playing a Roman Gladiator, Denzel Washington playing a corrupt LA police officer, Will Smith playing Muhammad Ali, Jamie Foxx playing Ray Charles, Halle Berry playing Cat Woman (Daaaaaaaamn!) blah, blah, blah, but I'm pretty damn sure none of those Hollywood luminaries ever took the next step - Russell jumping in an amphitheater full of live tigers, Denzel taking his saddity butt to East Los and mixing it up with the west side vatos, Will stepping in the ring with Evander Holyfield, Jamie playing the pian...okay skip that one, or Halle climbing the walls in an outfit featuring diamond-encrusted fingernails. That's because most folks have common sense and then there's our boy Ronald Isley aka Mr. Biggs...

Now for those of you without cable who consistently miss the video rotation on BET's 106 & Park, allow me a moment to drop some actual factuals on you and bring you up to speed. A while back, old skool Ronald Isley's butt figured out a way to ease his behind back into the mainstream by teaming up with R. Kelly and creating a video persona known as 'Mr. Biggs' - a fine dressing, no nonsense gangster/player who runs his crib with an iron fist and keeps his women on a tight lease. Think an older version of Deion Sanders but with better suits and a badder disposition. Now I'm all for being innovative and jumpstarting a career slipping down the downside, but if your goal is to sock away some loot to help you through the lean retirement years, a good approach is to 1) create a tripped out persona, 2) make your chedda *and* 3) pay your damn taxes! It seems Ronald forgot Rule #3 and pulled a patented Mr. Biggs move by trying to jack Old Uncle Sam. Dang Ronald - even old Tyrone knows Uncle Sam is the biggest gangster out there - he always gets his money.

Now it looks like Mr. Biggs might be headed for a nice little Alcatraz bid like old skool Al Capone and I saw it coming from way back, y'all. Ronald was a bit too into that Mr. Biggs role - kicking the rolly bling, puffin' those fat Cohibas and fiddling with those walnut size finger rings. Seems to me he caught one too many episodes of 'The Sopranos' or Harlem Nights. Now instead of telling his cheating girl to get out the crib before he 'catches a case', the only case he'll be catching is his own inside federal court. Ouch - that hurts. No, I take that back, y'all. What's really gonna hurt Mr. Biggs when sentencing rolls around is the fact that R. Kelly will be his only character witness...damn - now that *really* hurts...

P.S. Tap that link, y'all and get a peep at what Mr. Peabody is up to - more to the point check out the mini review of the new 'Boondocks' cartoon on the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim lineup (y'all know how much old Tyrone loves The Boondocks) - that joint is funny and in-your-face and Episode 2 did a take on a possible outcome of R. Kelly's upcoming child pornography trial - done up the way only Aaron McGruder can.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Swoopes pulls the reverse Down Low...

Wassup, Y'all!

Hold up. I *know* y'all didn't think this ruckus would go down without a Tyrone Malone commentary did you? Man, y'all know me better than that! After all the books and radio shows and Oprah commentary on *brothers* being on the down low - look what the cat dragged in. Just in case a few of you neophyte readers think the 'reverse down low' is a tight little basketball move, stop, drop and roll your a$$ on over to the bookstore and check out a joint called On The Down Low: The Journey into the lives of "straight" black men who sleep with men. Matter of fact, Amazon is so cool they'll let you peep inside to cover to check out a few actual factuals like the Table of Contents which lists sample chapter names like "Was My Marriage a Lie?" and "She Can't Compete with Him". Hmmm, let me step out and take a shower right quick........okay I'm back. Dude and Dudettes - a quick clue: if you're stepping out on your spouse to have sex with someone of the same (or opposite) sex, the chances are really good your marriage is a lie (Stedman - homeboy you taking notes??). Okay, okay, technically Sheryl's situation doesn't exactly fit the 'down low' category per se, but it's still buck wild enough to warrant a blog breakdown. Meet me after the jump and let's get busy, y'all...

To officially get your 'down low' card (so I'm told) you have to like having sex outside your committed relationship with someone of the same sex *but* also love having a relationship (sexual and otherwise) with the one you're with. Don't look to me to explain the thought process behind that thinking - you're on your own. But in Sheryl's case it seems like she always enjoyed the company of woman in shorts but hooked up with her ex-husband and used him as convenient cover and a sperm donor (Stedman - homeboy, you taking notes?) while she moved and grooved on those long WNBA road trips. I gotta give it to homegirl, she played it like Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop II and went deep, deep, deep undercover. Just check out this beach glossy, y'all. Uh, uh, uh! That's deep undercover right there. Primping with the fellas and getting the viewers all heated and all the while trying to figure out how to back Lisa Leslie down into the low post. I was debating the situation with my boyz 'Tini Mack and Cat Daddy and all they could contribute to the conversation was a trifling statement about knowing that Sheryl would be on top when carnal knowledge kicked off. I swear I lose brain cells every time I talk to those jokers.

Anyway, all this brings to "Pinky" the plastic flamingo. When this glossy was taken back in the day, everyone thought it was a cute little take off on that 'roaming gnome' gag where a couple of chuckleheads kidnap a ceramic gnome from someone's flowerbed and take it on a world tour, snapping glossys along the way with folks willing to pose. But see - old Tyrone's too smooth to fall for that ruckus. I knew the minute I saw this glossy of Sheryl cozying up to poor Pinky something was a little off - but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Finally, one day as I was walking past the 'Boutique' just inside the foyer of the Admiral Club Theater on Lawrence (I was a designated driver helping my one of my boyz make it home safe and sound...). I peeped the products inside and it dawned on me - that joint was pink, long necked and stiff - damn if Pinky wasn't the perfect plastic manifestation of Rebecca Lobo and Sheryl had her hands *all* over it, jack! Shoot, y'all may need a billboard, but not me.

Yo Stedman - homeboy you taking notes? Let me know if you need a pencil to connect your own dots, dude! When the next bombshell drops - don't say old Tyrone didn't try to warn you...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone