Lil Penny Hits Hard Times...

Wassup, Y'all!

Ooooo weeeeee the funk got hot on the Oprah Show today (or so I'm told since I don't watch the Oprah Show, y'all). My entertainment insider Gin Fizz dropped the actual factuals that Queen B(ook) Oprah called out old school L'il Penny Hardaway today and took him to task on her show for the many 'factual' inaccuracies pointed out in his autobiographical memoir Knee High and Livin' Large - The World According to Me...

Personally, I'm a little disappointed too as Oprah's Book Club recommendations carry a lot of weight (no pun intended on that one, y'all) and it's hard enough for a brother to catch some literary limelight without this kind of ruckus going on! As of this posting, L'il Penny remained secluded in his Brentwood home and is rumored to be negotiating with his girl Tyra Banks to appear on her show to set the record straight. Among the many 'facts' in dispute in LP's 1999 book are the points that 1) Anfernee Hardaway is still playing in the NBA, 2) that Anfernee was just as good a player with Shaquille O'Neal as without him and 3) that Anfernee's mama was a good speller in school. Apparently, a routine investigation conducted by the NBA's Office of Missing and Exploited Players concluded that Anfernee Hardaway has not been seen on a basketball court since the early 2000-2001 season.

L'il Penny contends the controversy is an elaborate smear campaign orchestrated by his arch rival, Sprite pitchman Miles Thirst and his boy LeBron James. Thirst and L'il Penny, previously fast friends and constant fixtures on the LA club scene allegedly fell out when LP heard that Thirst did the grown up with his girl Tyra Banks at her farewell Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last month - a charge Banks vigorously denies, hence her airtime offer to LP on one of her upcoming shows.

In the meantime, while LP's 15 minutes of fame drain away, Miles Thirst's popularity is blasting through the stratosphere thanks to his close association with the Spirte 'Obey Your Thirst' ad campaign and his club card membership in LeBron's 'King James' entourage. His popularity got an additional boost when rumors began swirling that Angelina Jolie's unborn baby is actually his and not Brad Pitt's,. Suki, suki! I know Jen has *got* to be enjoying that tasty morsel. Maaa fact - that little Ethiopian crumb snatcher on her hip looks a lot like MT too... Seems to me that Thirst has been showing a little more than just his motto around Hollywood these days, but y'all didn't hear that from me...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Back on the block disobeying the law...

Wassup, Y'all!

The rumors of my capping have been greatly exaggerated! Yeah y'all, the kid's back in effect, recharged from a holiday trip down to the islands visiting my deep and Africanic brothers and sisters down in the Caribbean. I would have been back on the air sooner but I got back to mama's basement to find old girl had disconnected my broadband connection. Even though the service is in her name, that was a trifling, rookie move, y'all. I know y'all missed me cuz I missed myself and I have to admit that it feels good to be tickling the keyboard keys again. I decided to ease y'all back into the groove with a little preview of a movie that I've been fiending on for the longest - Spike Lee's upcoming crime caper Inside Man...

Now I've been trying to hang with the Spike Lee Joints since Nola Darling and She's Gotta Have It. There was something about fast talking Mars Blackmon please baby, baby pleasing and Nola confidently expressing her inner freak that made me think - hmmmmm, maybe I need to tap into this Forty Acres and A Mule business. Then Spike introduced us to Latin mami Rosie Perez and I knew he was my kind of director jack. But I yearned for him to up the ante and start cranking out some bigger pics - something with scope and depth like his mentor Martin Scorsese and he almost hit that note once when he dropped Malcom X ("We didn't land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on us!) . I appreciated that effort and his go to guy Denzel Washington was hitting and holding in that role, but alas, my boy Spike zigged instead of zagged and dropped Crooklyn, Girl 6, yada, yada, yada. Finally the boy completely lost his mind and dropped She Hate Me on an unsuspecting movie watching public and I thought we'd lost old Spike forever.

Then out of the blue I start hearing rumors of another Spike Lee Joint in the works with names attached to it like Clive Owen, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Jodie Foster, Willem Dafoe, Christopher Plummer and, of course, Daddy Denzel. Now all the sudden I'm like hmmmm, there must be a new director in Hollywood cribbing Spike's name cuz I know he couldn't pull that kind of star power. But as luck would have it, this is the next Spike Lee Joint due to hit theaters on March 17. The buzz is good, the trailer is good, and the cast is stellar so I'm figuring not even Spike can mess this one up. I'm waiting for old boy to finally get his due as a bankable director before Ice Cube beats him to the Oscar stage with Barbershop 5. Hey, a brother can dream can't he?

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Shock The Monkey

Wassup, Y'all!

It's been a while since old Tyrone has dipped into the local cinema to catch a flick - an oversite I plan to correct in the coming new year but I did get a chance to peep the new King Kong joint last weekend to see how it stacked up to that politically incorrect, stop motion 1933 original joint as well as that campy a$$ 1976 joint that starred (actually *introduced* so you *know* that was back in the day!) Jessica Lange. I'm here to report that I laughed, I cried and came away wondering how it is that after 72 years, King Kong can still make the island natives look like stereotypical caricatures...

Overall, I liked that joint y'all and I'm digging deep to give Peter Jackson's King Kong vision 3 Spinners. Most of those Spinners are dropped on the King himself - Mighty Kong - who demonstrated singlehandly how far special FX have come since herky jerky 1933 Kong. Amazing y'all and likely due to the fact that his expressions were motion captured from a real actor (Andy Serkis who provide the same service for that precioussss little Golum in the Lord of the Rings trilogy). Kong is the best thing in the movie and the fact that he shows up pretty much halfway through a three hour movie tells you where that other Spinner went.

This joint is long y'all and - unlike the previously mentioned Lord of the Rings movies and Saving Private Ryan - you do notice time passing. Our fair haired damsel in distress, Naomi Watts, puts her foot in her role as Ann Darrow, Kong's girl toy (y'all will remember me proppin' Naomi's work on The Ring flicks and she also brought it home in the back-in-the-day 21 Grams which I *finally* caught on DVD (3.5 Spinners!)). Jack Black is his same over the top self as Carl Denham, the opportunistic film director and Oscar winner Adrien Brody (who busted that slob on shorty Halle Berry at the awards show) is good but a little unconvincing as the story's sub-hero (he's Denham's screenwriter and everyone knows writers never get the girl! Y'all know Kong's the real hero).

But here are the actual factuals on this joint - it was good but could have been better and still clocked in at about 2 1/2 hours. In the writing world, conflict is good to hold an audience's attention. The rule of thumb is to make it BIG - put your hero/heroine in a desperate situation, then figure out how to make that situation even more desperate. Seems to me Jackson took that rule a bit too far, y'all. All the action scenes were drawn out well past the point of excitement. They started great and then just kept going and going and going and... Several of them stretched credibility pretty far (I know it's a movie about a giant ape but given that I still prefer action to stay within the bounds of reality, come on now!). Which brings us back to those island natives...

The controversy with the 1933 version of Kong was that the natives on Skull Island were portrayed as stereotypical jungle south siders courtesy of an unchecked north side view. Think early Tarzan vs. Shaka Zulu or Roots - The Saga of an American Family. Jackson's vision gives his Skull Island natives a hyperviolent, nasty Middle Earth vibe but unlike the hell spawned denizens from his Lord of the Rings flicks, you could tell the majority of the actors playing Jackson's natives were south siders. Seems to me on Skull Island they could have cast anybody for those roles but somehow we always seem to fall back on clowning south siders - hmmmm. In my opinion, you could have had the same movie by casting my girl Vanessa Williams as Ann Darrow and a bunch of grubby looking north siders (check out Rob Zombie's 'The Devil's Rejects' for examples, y'all) as the natives (kinda like 'The Others' in Lost) but I'm figuring that thought never crossed anyone's mind - except mine. That's why I'm here with you, y'all -- to keep my Urban Eye open and point out the obvious. I know, I know - you're welcome - no thanks necessary for my tireless work on your behalf. I got your back.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

How To Be Just Plain Nasty...

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm sitting here munching on some of 'Tini Mack's left over Lime Chips and pondering the news he dropped at our last poker sitdown. As you've heard me say from time to time, it's always good to have a little time to bond with the fellas so you can expound on the actual factuals over some good food, drink and poker. There are always a few tasty details dropped and, in this case, 'Tini dropped one about my boss (I sometimes do freelance work outside the basement, y'all. A brother needs a few duckets in his pocket to keep moms from cutting off the heat and it's *cold* here in Chicago, people!). Anyway, 'Tini, ever the diplomat says, "Dude, if your boss ever tries to hand you a memo, don't take it". I ask why not and he says, "cuz I was in the bathroom earlier today and he rolled out of the stall without washing his hands!" Hence the title of this post y'all - that type of behavior is just straight nasty and sadly, according to the American Society of Microbiologists, all too common...

See nasty a$$ sh&t like that's the reason why Japanese folks avoid the whole ingrained American custom of the greeting handshake. A bow at five paces will save you that unexpected E. Coli infection your boss is set to pass on because he was too busy to wipe his a$$ then *wash* his nasty hands!! How is this possible when we're trained as biddy bop, crumbsnatchers to always wash up? Let's see what those Microbiologists have to say about this...

Hmmm, according to their September 27th New York Times report, though 91% of folks surveyed claimed they wash their hands after bathroom extracirriculars, observers found only 82% actually did so. What's up with that other nasty 9%? The survey polled about a 1,000 folks so we're talking roughly 90 nasty a$$es who willing rolled out the restroom without so much as a drop of water hitting their hands. I'm sure something else was hitting those hands, but clearly no water. Damn. Let's continue since it gets worse. 90% of women washed their hands vs. just 75% of men. Damn, fellas! And we wonder why women don't want us holding the remote!!

The survey folks had observers staked out at Turner Field in Atlanta, the Museum of Science and Industry and the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago, Grand Central Station and Penn Station in New Yawk City and the Ferry Terminal Farmer's Market in San Francisco. It's no surprise that only 74% of baseball fans in Atlanta washed up - since baseball's so damn nasty anyway with all that spitting and scratching going on during the game. Also no surprise that only 79% of New Yawk commuters washed up since we are talking about New Yawk. The *BIG* surprise was how hygenic the 'Frisco folks were clocking in at 88%. Why is that a surprise? You do the math, y'all... But the big ups go the Chicago crew at the Shedd Aquarium who doused their digits 89% of the time. I'm pretty sure Mayor Daley will figure out how to claim credit for that too.

Damn - with behavior like this, you know when the Asian Bird Flu busts out we're all going down. 'Cept me that is - I've got my little survival kit all stocked up here in the basement...Epsom Salt, iodine, face mask, mama's chicken soup and a year's supply of Maxim magazines as I'll probably have to cut the shortys short for the duration (unless they come equipped with a clean, same day health report). In the meantime, I'm off to take a long, hot shower, y'all before copping some latex gloves for my trip to work tomorrow...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Miss Penitentary 2005!

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, y'all know there was NO way I could let this fly by without a comment! Am I the only brother on the planet who thinks that prison should be just that - PRISON!?? Clearly our homies in Brazil have a different way of thinking. Yeah, yeah I know we need to be eternally grateful for their everlasting contribution to fashionable swim/strip club wear by dropping the thong bikini on an unsuspecting world but a penitentary beauty pageant for shortys on lockdown? Man, how does a brother get tickets to that?...

First let me apologize for dropping that vintage glossy cuz that's not actually Miss Penitenary 2005 (aka drug smuggler Angelica Mazua) but her foine predecessor Fernanda Maria de Jesus - Miss Penitentary 2004 who mysteriously gained early release after her walk down the concrete runway. Coincidence? I think not, y'all.

Hmmmm...according to prison officials, the Sao Paulo prison pageant is designed to "boost inmates' self-confidence". I can see it now, y'all - you know this ruckus will be making its way north in no time and Lil Kim's gonna get her roll on (she's got the talent competition all locked up) and primp and rap her way to the title of Miss US Federal Lock Up 2006! Here's a thought - why not help young women boost their self-confidence by 1) encouraging them to stay the hell out of jail, 2) getting society to pass along the message that it's not all about the body but what's going on inside your head?

Ooooo - I can hear y'all now yapping, 'Dang Ty, that's like the pot calling the kettle black, homeboy. I don't think you met a scantily clad glossy you haven't boosted to post on this site. Dude - kinda hypocritical don't you think?' To which I would reply with my patented, 'Please - don't hate. Appreciate!' If the Brazilians can boost inmates' self-confidence by letting them participate in a beauty pageant (least they made them kick the one-piece swimsuit. If they had busted out in thongs during the swimsuit competition you know a riot would have broken out in that joint!!) the least old Tyrone can do is help our American shortys feel honored and respected so they can get a little self-confidence boost too.' I'm only doing my part, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The Double Edged Shorty Sword...

Wassup, Y'all!


5-0 finally tracked my butt down and dragged me back to the basement. I've been kicking it out on the street a lot lately, hence my lackadaisical posting schedule but I appreciate y'all keeping an eye out for a brother and checking back in from time to time.

In the wake of the news of Debbie LaFave, the hottie middle school teacher who slept with one of her 14 year old students and walked with *no* jail time, old Tyrone feels compelled to dip into the touchy subject of the 'Shorty Double Standard'...

Now y'all know if the tables had been turned and it was a homeboy middle school teacher who had consensual sex with a 14 year old female student, old boy would be in federal prison right now doing a 20 year bid and tossing all kinds of salads . What's that about? Mainly it's about old school society giving an up top high five to a supposed mack daddy 14 year old who's got the mojo to pull a twenty-something hottie blonde school teacher. Sad but true. But wait there's more!

Remember a few weeks back when two Carolina Panther cheerleaders got caught getting busy in a restaurant bathroom stall ? Homeboys - what was your first thought? I'm sure it was similar to mine and went a little something like this, "Damn - wish I could have peeped that action! Why do I *always* have to be in the stall next to a big boy with digestive trouble??" Okay flip the script and ask the shortys what their first thought was? Probably something like, "Those are a couple of skanky ass heifers! That's nasty!" See? It all depends on your sexual persuasion, y'all.

Now if we really flipped the script and discuss that persistent rumor of Eddie Murphy being gay (despite the talk about him kicking with Mariah Carey in Miami during this year's MTV VMAs. Even that talk couldn't quite erase the memory of Eddie and the transvestite in the alley…). The attached glossy is courtesy of Got HipHop? which is pubbing a story about some potential shenanigans going on between Eddie Murphy and Johnny Gill (seems old boy had to keep up with Bobby Brown somehow, y'all - being his New Edition replacement and all!) since they're hanging out pretty tough and now apparently Johnny has moved into Eddie's guest house. Damn - isn't this the slippery slope that OJ went down with Kato Kalin's butt? Anyway just hearing a rumor like that will make the homeboys *and* the shortys cringe. What is it that makes girl/girl action palatable but boy/boy action something worthy of gouging your own eyes out? I sure don't know but I know I'm getting itchy just typing about it, y'all!

Before I jet, I wanted to let those homeboys out there who've been fiending for a Serena Williams fix know that Got HipHop? has a couple choice glossys of old girl that show what happens when you try to get *all that* into an outfit that's not built for *all that*. I'm pretty sure homegirl knew that ahead of time, but had to test the laws of physics anyway. Yet another well worn play from the Shorty Handbook that I *keep* falling for.

Gobble, Gobble, y'all! Happy Thanksgiving!!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Mr. Biggs Does it up Capone Style

Wassup, Y'all!

You know, there's a thin line between fact and fantasy. Nowhere is this more clearly illustrated than in Hollywood. You've got Russell Crowe playing a Roman Gladiator, Denzel Washington playing a corrupt LA police officer, Will Smith playing Muhammad Ali, Jamie Foxx playing Ray Charles, Halle Berry playing Cat Woman (Daaaaaaaamn!) blah, blah, blah, but I'm pretty damn sure none of those Hollywood luminaries ever took the next step - Russell jumping in an amphitheater full of live tigers, Denzel taking his saddity butt to East Los and mixing it up with the west side vatos, Will stepping in the ring with Evander Holyfield, Jamie playing the pian...okay skip that one, or Halle climbing the walls in an outfit featuring diamond-encrusted fingernails. That's because most folks have common sense and then there's our boy Ronald Isley aka Mr. Biggs...

Now for those of you without cable who consistently miss the video rotation on BET's 106 & Park, allow me a moment to drop some actual factuals on you and bring you up to speed. A while back, old skool Ronald Isley's butt figured out a way to ease his behind back into the mainstream by teaming up with R. Kelly and creating a video persona known as 'Mr. Biggs' - a fine dressing, no nonsense gangster/player who runs his crib with an iron fist and keeps his women on a tight lease. Think an older version of Deion Sanders but with better suits and a badder disposition. Now I'm all for being innovative and jumpstarting a career slipping down the downside, but if your goal is to sock away some loot to help you through the lean retirement years, a good approach is to 1) create a tripped out persona, 2) make your chedda *and* 3) pay your damn taxes! It seems Ronald forgot Rule #3 and pulled a patented Mr. Biggs move by trying to jack Old Uncle Sam. Dang Ronald - even old Tyrone knows Uncle Sam is the biggest gangster out there - he always gets his money.

Now it looks like Mr. Biggs might be headed for a nice little Alcatraz bid like old skool Al Capone and I saw it coming from way back, y'all. Ronald was a bit too into that Mr. Biggs role - kicking the rolly bling, puffin' those fat Cohibas and fiddling with those walnut size finger rings. Seems to me he caught one too many episodes of 'The Sopranos' or Harlem Nights. Now instead of telling his cheating girl to get out the crib before he 'catches a case', the only case he'll be catching is his own inside federal court. Ouch - that hurts. No, I take that back, y'all. What's really gonna hurt Mr. Biggs when sentencing rolls around is the fact that R. Kelly will be his only character witness...damn - now that *really* hurts...

P.S. Tap that link, y'all and get a peep at what Mr. Peabody is up to - more to the point check out the mini review of the new 'Boondocks' cartoon on the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim lineup (y'all know how much old Tyrone loves The Boondocks) - that joint is funny and in-your-face and Episode 2 did a take on a possible outcome of R. Kelly's upcoming child pornography trial - done up the way only Aaron McGruder can.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Swoopes pulls the reverse Down Low...

Wassup, Y'all!

Hold up. I *know* y'all didn't think this ruckus would go down without a Tyrone Malone commentary did you? Man, y'all know me better than that! After all the books and radio shows and Oprah commentary on *brothers* being on the down low - look what the cat dragged in. Just in case a few of you neophyte readers think the 'reverse down low' is a tight little basketball move, stop, drop and roll your a$$ on over to the bookstore and check out a joint called On The Down Low: The Journey into the lives of "straight" black men who sleep with men. Matter of fact, Amazon is so cool they'll let you peep inside to cover to check out a few actual factuals like the Table of Contents which lists sample chapter names like "Was My Marriage a Lie?" and "She Can't Compete with Him". Hmmm, let me step out and take a shower right quick........okay I'm back. Dude and Dudettes - a quick clue: if you're stepping out on your spouse to have sex with someone of the same (or opposite) sex, the chances are really good your marriage is a lie (Stedman - homeboy you taking notes??). Okay, okay, technically Sheryl's situation doesn't exactly fit the 'down low' category per se, but it's still buck wild enough to warrant a blog breakdown. Meet me after the jump and let's get busy, y'all...

To officially get your 'down low' card (so I'm told) you have to like having sex outside your committed relationship with someone of the same sex *but* also love having a relationship (sexual and otherwise) with the one you're with. Don't look to me to explain the thought process behind that thinking - you're on your own. But in Sheryl's case it seems like she always enjoyed the company of woman in shorts but hooked up with her ex-husband and used him as convenient cover and a sperm donor (Stedman - homeboy, you taking notes?) while she moved and grooved on those long WNBA road trips. I gotta give it to homegirl, she played it like Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop II and went deep, deep, deep undercover. Just check out this beach glossy, y'all. Uh, uh, uh! That's deep undercover right there. Primping with the fellas and getting the viewers all heated and all the while trying to figure out how to back Lisa Leslie down into the low post. I was debating the situation with my boyz 'Tini Mack and Cat Daddy and all they could contribute to the conversation was a trifling statement about knowing that Sheryl would be on top when carnal knowledge kicked off. I swear I lose brain cells every time I talk to those jokers.

Anyway, all this brings to "Pinky" the plastic flamingo. When this glossy was taken back in the day, everyone thought it was a cute little take off on that 'roaming gnome' gag where a couple of chuckleheads kidnap a ceramic gnome from someone's flowerbed and take it on a world tour, snapping glossys along the way with folks willing to pose. But see - old Tyrone's too smooth to fall for that ruckus. I knew the minute I saw this glossy of Sheryl cozying up to poor Pinky something was a little off - but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Finally, one day as I was walking past the 'Boutique' just inside the foyer of the Admiral Club Theater on Lawrence (I was a designated driver helping my one of my boyz make it home safe and sound...). I peeped the products inside and it dawned on me - that joint was pink, long necked and stiff - damn if Pinky wasn't the perfect plastic manifestation of Rebecca Lobo and Sheryl had her hands *all* over it, jack! Shoot, y'all may need a billboard, but not me.

Yo Stedman - homeboy you taking notes? Let me know if you need a pencil to connect your own dots, dude! When the next bombshell drops - don't say old Tyrone didn't try to warn you...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

What's The Dilly With Downtown Julie Brown?

Wassup, Y'all!

Ahhh, the wily wench from Wales. Wubba, wubba, wubba, y'all! Man - what ever happened to my girl Downtown Julie Brown? I remember old girl kicking on MTV (back when homeys *really* wanted their MTV - now it's all about Julissa Bermudez on BET's 106 and Park). A couple times I felt that Spice Girl Mel B. aka Scary Spice was stealing old girl's flow but we all know that there's only *one* Downtown Julie Brown. Blessed by those exotic Jamaican/British looks (and y'all thought the only good blend out of Jamaica was either that monster Montego Bay ganja that could dredlock your 'fro overnight or a tight cup of Blue Mountain Coffee) DTJB was pretty much the *only* 'vee-jay' that this brother was feeling on MTV...

It seems our girl (after a run of blink to video movie appearances in such stellar cinematic fare as 'When', 'Shadow Hours' and 'The Homeboy' DTJB gave the nod to appearing in the reality show "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here" - a joint topped off with a gaggle of B-list celebs and fringe famous personalities like Cris Judd (who won) and Melissa Rivers sans momma Joan (though old girl did guest star) and a red carpet. Quiet as it's kept, I didn't see that joint but I did hear that Cris Judd was opening up big time about his microwave marriage to badunka-dunk babe J-Lo. Now normally homeboys will want to shut up about the inner workings of their relationships lest they come off sounding like suckers to their boyz but it apparently worked for C-Judd as he had women swooning and clowning on about how 'sensitive' he was and how J-Lo made a wrong move by dumping his butt - blah, blah, blah.

It turns out DTJB did pretty well in the Survivor rip-off show - digging through a pit of snakes, sitting in a bath of leaches, you know standard stuff you see on shows like Fear Factor these days. I got to hand it to homegirl though - she doesn't come off as the tomboy type - I figured she would have bailed a minute or two after settling in the jungle and hearing the monkeys in the trees get their swerve on. Hopefully she'll turn up again soon. I can't get enough of that proper British accent - her fish and chips aren't bad either.

I'm out y'all!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The Three Faces of Lil Kim...

Wassup, Y'all!

I know, I know. This post has been brewing for the longest and it was taking me so long to finish that I though Lil Kim might finish her bid before I finally got it out! Lucky for y'all she's still doing her time for her crime and I can help everyone step back and appreciate what it's like to go from Queen Bee to Jail Bird in style. You see, like Martha Stewart and Sam Waxel before her, Lil Kim decide to kick it at a 'Going Away' party before starting her bid at that cushy Philly Federal Detention Center. Here she go giving an opening shout out to her peeps as the festivities kick off. Folks are feeling good, the Cristal is flowing, Jacob the Jeweler is somewhere up in that piece dropping bling into shiny give-away bags filled for all the guests, and everybody is smiling and clapping and telling Lil Kim to 'stay strong, girl!'. You'll see that as the evening progresses, the realization that her little butt is headed to federal lockup (in Philly no less) begins to mess up her high. Read on y'all...

First of all, if you ask me - it seems to be far easier to start your bid straight out of the court house as soon as the sentence is handed down. This whole deal of getting four or five weeks to 'report' to prison seems like a recipe designed to have you rolling down the expressway in a white bronco with your boy, a passport and a bag full of cash!

Spike Lee did a tight job of portraying this process in his movie '25th Hour' starring Edward Norton. If you haven't seen it, check that joint out and think about how rough it would be to actually have to live that transition. Here, we see our girl Lil Kim mugging with Mary J. Blige who's stopped by to lend her support. Mary's probably giving her some sisterly advice about 'Once you get into lockup, don't be hugging up on anybody like this, girl. You hear me?'

Eventually, though the Cris bottles are empty, R. Kelly has found some little tenderoni to take back up to the suite and Jacob the Jeweler is going around handing out bills for bling the guests thought was free. It's around this time that it dawns on Lil Kim that the party is literally over. She's going to have to trade her little blue satin number for some faded prison blues that she wants to be really, really, really baggy. The alcohol inspired braggadocio fades away to boo-boo lips as she hops a ride from the spot toward a one year and one day future that will likely involve industrial strength playette hatin', cat calls at all hours ('Yo Queen Bee - why don't you rap about how I'm gonna tap dat a$$ tomorrow after dinner!') and steering clear of all long handled objects. The upside is her time inside will cement her street cred in the hip-hop world and knowing Lil Kim, she'll be crafty enough to work on her material on the inside so she can drop a quick album a few days after she gets sprung.

In the meantime, for all y'all busters thinking about lying in court or just being straight felonious, take a good look at that boo-boo lip glossy and picture yourself on your way to lock up. Better yet, rent '25th Hour' and live that ride in living color then ask yourself would I rather be drinking Cris on the outside or 'married' to Chris on the inside? Cola nut. Un-Cola nut. You decide...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone