Shorty Sayings We LOVE To Hear

Wassup, Y'all!

I keep a pretty good rotation of magazines in the crib - some for show (Newsweek, Business Week, Jet) - other for conversation (Maxim, FHM, King) - still others for their abundance of good info (Men's Health, Cargo, GQ). I'm a little backlogged so I'm just getting through the May 2005 issue of Men's Health and bumped up on the results of an intriguing survey. It seems 377 homeboys logged into MensHealth.com to answer the following question:

"What's the sexiest thing a woman ever said to you?".

What followed seemed to flow straight from the pages of Penthouse Forum...

Men's Health's tagline is: "Tons of useful stuff" and that's no lie. You can easily spend an hour or more perusing that bad boy's selection of gadget, sex, clothing, food and health tips. I like mags like that (and kudos to Cargo mag which is similar - less health, more gadgets - for getting smart and including a free page of stickers to use to mark pages that you want to go back to!!) - one's that are good and good for you. Anyway, they broke off the top 24 shorty sayings, but I'll just summarize my Top Ten to encourage you to go peep the magazine at your leisure. All 24 sexy pearls were *hot* and might have a weak hearted homeboy fainting dead away if uttered by the shorty of his desire (I've posted a glossy of Tyra Banks since she's mine...until Rosario files a different flight plan...). Here we go, y'all:

Tyrone's Top Ten Sexy Shorty Sayings (courtesy of Men's Health Magazine)

10) I'm going to get naked now. Any questions?
9) I'm feeling dirty. I think I'll take a shower.
8) I'll make your bed spin
7) I would feel so safe lying beneath you
6) Take off your clothes and turn on the music
5) Sit back, close your eyes, and let me do everything.
4) You can have me now or have me later, but you are going to have me
3) You're my daddy
2) The sound of your voice makes my nipples hard
1) On the freeway: Have you ever gotten head at 100 miles an hour?

Wooooooo. I got to hand it to this selection of shortys - very creative and very hot. Look for those keywords when sorting through your shorty resumes, fellas. I doubt they'll steer you wrong...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

A Legend Rises in the Homeboy Nation!

Wassup, Y'all!

Players in the Homeboy Nation (also known as the male demographic) spend *a lot* of time talking to each other about how they can successfully creep with another woman while continuing to kick it with their main woman. Invariably, when a homeboy slips up and leaves an incriminating clue which leads to the ugly 'confrontation', Player Handbook Rule #2 clearly states "No matter how incriminating the evidence, don't admit the crime". Shaggy successfully put this rule to music in his hit 'It Wasn't Me' (though his boy did get caught dead to rights 'butt naked banging on the bathroom floor'). Back in March in my Basic Instinct post, I tried to give homeboys another handy escape hatch by appealing to basic science. Now comes the John Legend tune Number One (featuring Donte's boy Kanye West) with a completely novel approach that I call "embracing your doggish-ness"...

Okay, we can't speak intelligently on this without a quick peep at the first verse lyrics so here y'all go:

Number One - John Legend (feat. Kanye West)

Ooh I promise not to do it again
I promise not to do it

You can't say I don't love you
Just because I cheat on you
Cuz you can't see all I do
To keep you from knowing the things I do
Like erase my phone
And keep it out of town
I keep it strapped up when I sleep around
Well I should have known one day you'd find out
But you can't go and leave me now

You know that I love you
There's no one above you
I said it the last time
But this is the last time
Don't make me over
Cuz I can be faithful
Baby you're my number one
You're my number one
I heard this on the radio the other day and cracked the hell up! Here's a brother who's laying it *all* out for his girl - basically telling her how much she should be greatful that he's tipping out on her the right way, reverently, respectfully, and that she should feel honored because she's still his number one. Man - it's like those Guinness ads - BRILLIANT! Hence, the reason I'm bestowing the Superfly-Pimp Daddy Order of Merit on Supreme Player of the Realm John Legend on behalf of a greatful Homeboy Nation. Fellas, it's time to be a man, cop to it and let her know that of all the women you've been cheating on her with - she's still your number one girl!

The envitable beat down that will deservedly follow this pronouncement will be well worth it as Tom Cruise amply demonstrated the heinous behavior that can ensue (on national television no less) when you get too wrapped up in one woman and forget Player Handbook Rule #1 - "No matter your feelings for your girl, *alway* be smooth and play it cool".


The Object Of Tom's Affection
Dawson Handled it - What's Up With You?
Tom - if you're reading this - your Player Card has been hereby suspended for 180 days and you're required to begin your Player Reorientation Session immediately. We've assigned you 3rd Degree Player Master Eric Benet as your session mentor - do not fail us again or we will be forced to turn you over to the Homegirl Nation for transgendering...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

South Side Honeymooners?

Wassup, Y'all!

I've got seven words for this knucklehead idea - "What the hell is on your mind?" Man - who thought this was a good idea? Now I'm all for checking out hot shortys Gabrielle Union and Regina Hall but come on now! The Honeymooners is a classic and last I saw on TV Land that joint had a *north side* cast - and a great one at that. Hollywood - you can't just go messing with classics all willy nilly! What's next? A south side version of Gilligan's Island? Please...

Now I'm a south side homey from waaaay back (with a wee pinch of the Irish :-) ) and even I can see why the north siders might get a little pissed with this choice of casting. I like all four of the movie's stars but how is it that the creative geniuses in Hollywood couldn't create a new vehicle for them or even a "honeymooners-like" vehicle for them (like the Flintstones take off) instead of casting them in a remake of the Honeymooners itself? I know if I caught Brian Dennehy playing Fred Sanford, I'd be ready to take it to the streets. Sanford and Son is a classic in its own right too. I've never been a fan of these types of remakes and that goes back to Will Smith taking on the role of James West in Wild, Wild West. As they say down at Winky's Corner Store - I ain't wit dat. We need to be creating new roles and making them classics and get off these retreads.

Now I hear y'all out there saying, "But Tyrone, what about Bernie Mac in 'Guess Who?'" Yeah, yeah. First, I wasn't all the way on board with that joint, but you'll note it was a take off on 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner', not a remake with a south side cast and Ashton Kutcher in Sidney Poitier's role (I'd have been taking it to the streets in that case too, y'all!). Ironically, Mike Epps was in that joint too!

Personally, I'm much more interested in seeing Mike Epps playing Richard Pryor (side note: y'all know LA would be burnt to the ground the the day after they cast Jerry Seinfeld in any Richard Pryor role!) than I am in seeing him playing Ed Norton - a role that will always be owned by Art Carney. And Cedric the Entertainer, sir is damn sure no Jackie Gleason. They're different comedians with different styles and they need to stay that way. Now just in case, y'all never saw the original Honeymooners, here's a retro glossy to get you reoriented:


The Honeymooners
l to r: Cedric, Gabrielle, Mike and Regina
See what I mean?

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Oh snap! Look who's in da club!

Wassup, Y'all!

A verified LA comedy club sighting of none other than Dizzy Dave Chappelle. Seems the smell of that Season 2 DVD money ($35 mil and counting) was a little more than even he could resist.... To wit, DD dropped the now classic quote: "If I want to see any of that money, I better get my a** to work." True dat, Dave. True dat.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Why you little Mother Tucker!

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - if you're looking to get hit by lightening, just stand next to me y'all cuz lately *everything* I've been grooving on has gotten jacked up in one way or another. Dizzy Dave Chappelle (who I'm happy to report is at least back from his South African crack bender "spirtual journey" and is no doubt diggin' the news that his Chappelle's Show Season 2 DVD raked in $35 million in just 7 days making it the fastest selling TV DVD in history...) - still light years away from the studio, Kevin Hill - canceled, The Contender - canceled, Eyes - canceled, Tyra Banks - still not taking my calls. Now word finds its way to the Malone Zone that my boy Chris Tucker (who seems to be taking the Stevie Wonder eight-years-between-projects approach to making movies) has squashed reprising his role as Detective James Carter in Rush Hour 3! Man - what's a brother got to do to get some comedy love?...

Y'all may remember that I posted waaay back in August of last year, wondering where the hell Chris was and what was taking him so long to drop a new flick. Now I see what the hold up is. Old boy is doing too much damn partying, y'all. I peeped that fool at the Oprah Legends shindig, Naomi Campbell's birthday bash at the Cannes Film Festival and taking the witness stand at the Michael Jackson trial. Chris - come on now! How's any of that tom foolerly helping out your fans, homey? Now, you're leaving $20 million of Rush Hour 3 money on the table? Uh, can I have it?

I guess I'll have to keep turning to DVDs to get my laugh on from you and Dizzy Dave. I had to laugh when I heard Chris was going to be a witness for the defense at the Michael Jackson trial. It's a trip they're even friends after some of the routines CT pulled on Russell Simmon's Def Comedy Jam. The one I *still* laugh at is where he's playing Michael Jackson as a pimp and Michael's rolling with Tito down the avenue checking to make sure his ho's are handling their business. He scrunches down in the passenger seat as he looks out the window and says (in his best Michael falsetto),

"Slow down, Tito (Tito keeps rolling) Slow down, Tito - damn! Is that my ho over there? Yeah, that's her - pull over, Tito. (calling out the window) Come here, girl! I said, come here, girl! You got my money?"

That joint cracks me up. Since popping on the scene in House Party 3 in 1994, CT has been coasting, dropping just nine movies since and just one since 2000. Yet somehow homey *still* gets an invite to Oprah's party!! Chris, where's the justice? Better yet, where are the movies? Dude, if you aren't going to do Rush Hour 3, do *something*! The people are jonesing for a laugh. And you know this - maaaaaan!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Blaxploitation Back?

Wassup, Y'all!

Shaft. Shaft's Big Score. Superfly. Coffey. Foxy Brown. Cleopatra Jones. The Mack. Truck Turner. Scream, Blacula, Scream. Y'all know 'em and love 'em or hate 'em those joints remain touchstones of the south side experience just like Richard Pryor and George Clinton, The Mother Ship and Flashlight. North Sider Mike Myers even tapped into the phenomenon in one of his Austin Powers joints (which I still haven't seen), when he cast foine shorty Beyonce as Foxy Cleopatra. Well after doing a little more research on Craig Brewer, the director of the upcoming Hustle & Flow I posted on a couple days ago, I cracked up to hear that his follow up will be a joint called Black Snake Moan - a title sure to stir up those good old Blaxploitation vibes...

Old boy from Ain't It Cool News posted on it a few days ago. I'll let you head over there for the actual factuals but picture Christina Ricci as a north side nympho (the Moan part) and Samuel L. Jackson as a 'concerned homey' determined to help her work out her issues (the Black Snake part). Sounds pretty buck wild and clearly our little Wednesday Addams is *all* grown up, y'all. Besides the alert on Black Snake Moan what struck me more was what a fan Ain't It Cool old boy is of Craig Brewer's work - pretty open minded for a north sider (ain't it cool? :-) ). Apparently he reluctantly attended a showing of Hustle & Flow at the Sundance Film Festival (note to self - you have *got* to crash that joint next year...) and it blew his non hip-hop, non rap appreciating a** away. Now he could be on the Paramount/John Singleton/Craig Brewer payroll or he could be on the up and up - read his review and make up your own mind. It'll be interesting to check that joint out myself and compare notes. I'm finding it hard to believe that anything can be *that* good, but talent is all over the place and, if we're to believe the hype, both Craig Brewer and Terrence Howard have it in spades. We shall see...

In the meantime, I'm putting in my advance order for my 'Black Snake Moan' T-Shirt!!! That's bound to be required south side homey summer attire :-)

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Hustle & Flow: Big Pimpin'

Wassup, Y'all!

When you finally hit the big time and get non-stop access behind the velvet rope, no matter how hot or crowded the restaurant, they've always got a table waiting for you. Well based on the non-stop buzz the movie Hustle & Flow is jockin', it seems clear that when this bad boy drops on July 13th all we'll be hearing is "Mr. Howard, your table is ready"...

That's Mr. Howard as in Terrence Dashon Howard the star of Hustle & Flow, an independent movie fronted by John Singleton of Boyz 'N The Hood fame (to the tune of $2.8 million of his own chedder) that rocked the Sundance Film Festival this year. It's a simple story of a small time pimp (Terrence Howard) that yearns to leave the pimpin' life and become a rapper. Yeah, I had to laugh at the irony of that concept myself, y'all as all you hear rappers rapping about is either being and wanting to be pimps. It seems we've now come full circle.

After the Sundance premier, Howard's performance garnered major buzz and the film, directed by 33-year old Craig Brewer, snagged the Sundance Festival Audience Award for dramatic film, and got bought by Paramount/MTV for $9 million - a Sundance record. I caught the trailer for it tonight at the late night 'The Longest Yard' show and if the rest of the movie stays true to the trailer, all the buzz is well deserved, y'all. (Side Note 1: The Longest Yard was off the hook - 3 Spinners - spend your money and have a good time. The soundtrack is slammin' too - I plan to scoop that bad boy tomorrow. Side Note 2: Courtney Cox is sportin' some serious rackage in this movie - where'd all that come from? I know she had a baby, but woooooo!)

H & F's soundtrack is sounding hot too, y'all and the flick features a sprinkle of shorty's I've posted on before such as Elise Neal and Paula Jai Parker. Anyway, I'm there July 13th cousin, back row, center, as always, chillin' with my popcorn, Milk Duds, Pimp Juice (actually Diet Coke but y'all know that doesn't sound nearly thug enough...) and wide brim hat.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Shorty Motto: Divorce Rich

Wassup, Y'all!

Okay, full disclosure - I'm in player (actually playette) hatin' mode, y'all. Now I'm not hating the fact that Sheila Johnson, former wife of BET mogul Bob Johnson, headed up a group that just purchased the WNBA Washington Mystics making her the WNBA's first south side owner. No, I'm playette hatin' on old girl because she earned her loot to help finance the purchase the old fashioned way - she divorced into it. Having been on the business end of that financial drive by myself, I'm wondering why "Strategic Divorcing" isn't being taught in the best Business Schools...

Careful TM blog readers will remember that I first dropped a little knowledge about S-Jay back in March in my Billionaire Shortys Waiting For Your Call post. Being no fan of Mr. Bob Johnson, BET founder, I was cracking on the fact that his divorced had bumped his butt right off the Forbes Billionaires List since he had to part with about $700 million plus change. Now I know the phone lines in the Malone Zone will be blowin' up from irate shortys who'll point out that S-Jay was married to Billy Bob when he founded BET (they're actually considered co-founders) and that she'd stayed married to old boy for 33 years (which should be worth at least $50 million from the git go...) but make no mistake, BET was Billy Bob's vision and like a supportive wife who supports her man through med school and then he goes on to become a big money plastic surgeon, exactly who figures out what just compensation should be for that support? $700 million strikes me as just a tad too much.

Similar deal with shortys who come in to big money relationships with a nice GAP wardrobe and a platinum body and later walk off with a substantial chunk of the spoils from her man's life work. Yeah, I know, I know, before I ended my Billionaire Shortys post I *did* say you couldn't hate on S-Jay since she swooped the money fair and square, but now that I'm seeing the cool stuff $700 million can buy, I'm rethinking my position.

I guess that's why they call it player hatin'.... Anyway - congrats on the Mystics S-Jay, hopefully more south side owners will join you in both the WNBA and the NBA and the NFL and MLB. In that regard we can use more trailblazers like you, but I have to believe that there's a crew of empty headed shortys sitting in a mall somewhere in America toasting your picture with Grande Caramel Frappachinos, high fiving and singing, "I want my, I want my, I want my B-E-T - that's the way you do it, money for nothing, 'cept some good boot-y".

Okay - flame off...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Auuuuggggghhhhh!!!

Wassup, Y'all!

Remember back in the day when you acted up to the point where you mother finally snapped and chased you around the house until she cornered your little non planning a** in a corner. As she approached with a look of murder in her eye and you knew you were about to collect a 'special edition' a** whuppin', you would push your hands out in front of you and cry, 'Momma noooooooo'. I had just that flashback tonight y'all as I screened my second to last episode of Kevin Hill knowing full well that my days of seeing a guaranteed buffet of fine shortys every week is coming to a crashing close...

To add insult to injury, tonight's episode featured *both* Toni Braxton AND Eva Pigford, in addition to fine shorty regular Michael Michelle. It's gotten so bad, y'all I even have the dog checking in on me from time to time to make sure I'm still breathing with a little mirror he carries on his coller. I appreciate the love Cocktail! My little niece tried to cheer me up with a link to Napoleon Dynamite doing his dance thing (I suggest the beat box track if y'all decide to peruse it. That boy's definetly gettin' is Kevin Bacon, Footloose swerve on. I admit it cracked me up, but nothing is going to take the sting away short of M. Michelle falling through the crib and personally helping me through my period of mourning...in lingerie. Guess I'll just have to assimilate with my south side homeys and start watching 'Girlfriends' on UPN...oh the shame, the shame!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Kevin Hill Gone but will it be O-Tay?

Wassup, Y'all!

I said I wasn't going to comment on the jacked up fact that UPN decided to cancel my show Kevin Hill, but I'll just mope around the crib all day if I don't. Now nothing against Taye Diggs and all, but I'm already going through the initial stages of Michael Michelle withdrawls and I know it's just gonna get worse once the summer rerun season is over. How'd it all go wrong for KH when it started the season with such fanfare and critical acclaim? A well written piece in the Boston Globe sheds a little light...

First things first, although a nation of homeboys will mourn the death of the 'Kevin Hill NYC lifestyle' dream, no need to mourn for the man who plays Kevin Hill - Taye Diggs. Word on the street is that his newly minted production company, O-Tay Productions, (hey - can Eddie Murphy get some royalty loot off that name??) recently inked a one year deal (with an option for two) with Touchstone TV to develop series projects, so expect to hear more from homeboy sometime soon. So ends the good news.

The Boston Globe's Suzanne Ryan posted an article about a month ago that lays out a few compelling reasons for KH's slow descent into TV purgatory, one being its killer timeslot that put it up against the likes of ratings titans 'American Idol' and 'Alias'. Even its hot lead in from American's Top Model couldn't protect it from that competition (which seems all the more reason to give it a second chance in a friendlier timeslot...). Based on that, KH was struggling with just 2.8 million viewers - or so says the almightly Nielsen Ratings. For a nice take on that heinous outfit's hand in all this, head on over to 2 Guys 2 Cities for brother Donte's breakdown - it's good stuff , y'all.

My take is it's time to flip the script on old Nielsen and its 'few to represent the many' old school sampling model. Now y'all know I'm a Tivo junkie - actually make that a Digital Video Recorder (DVR) junkie as Tivo could be soooo much better with a little more attention to detail, but I digress... I rarely watch live TV these days since everything I want to see gets downloaded to Tivo and I watch it when I want to. So actually I didn't even know that KH was going head to head with Alias even though I haven't missed an episode of either one. Then it hits me like a bag of bricks in a back alley, y'all. Eventually, DVRs will pass VCRs as the tool of choice to record TV content and when that happens, why can't they be used to replace the Nielsen People Meters? If you go by the Tivo model, those joints have to be connected to an outgoing phone line (presumably to receive software updates...) but they also track your viewing habits and, in Tivo's case, can suggest other shows for you to watch. This data is monitored as Tivo made news when it mentioned that the Janet Jackson Breast Baring at the Superbowl was the most rewound and freeze framed moment it had ever seen. So the technology's there for DVRs to become Nielsen meters and allow a much larger sample of viewers to weigh in with what they watch - live or recorded. That's important because with DVRs you can easily watch two shows airing in the same timeslot and as far as I can tell the Nielsen meters only track 'live' viewing habits! Minimally, Nielsen has got to get on this 'time shifting' phenomenon that's only going to grow... Man - do I have to do *everything*, y'all?

In the meantime, I'm headed back to Winky's corner store to pick up another box of Kleenex, I'm still getting my cry on over losing my weekly dose of foine Michael Michelle. Nielsen - if I *ever* see you on the block, homey I'm gonna have to lay your a** out!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone