If you're like me, you've spent a few minutes perusing a list you'll likely never be on - the Forbes Billionaires list. However, if you check out the details you *can* glean a few nuggets that will either 1) make you happy, 2) give you hope and a goal to shoot for. My item #1 was fulfilled by the news that former BET owner and resident buster Bob Johnson has fallen off the list...
Yes, yes, y'all. Fast buck Bob had fallen off the list, clocking in with a measly $700 million. Knowing him he'll be trying to get cuts in the food stamp line next week. It turns out his reversal of fortune came courtesy of the former Mrs. Bob Johnson and her decision to leave his tired a**. Fellas - it's the same cautionary tale -- choose wisely and get to know your good friend Prenup. Prenup may not always be able to save you from the irrational thinking of your sex minded partner Jimmy, but think of homeboy as your cut buddy who'll come bail your a** out of jail at two in the morning and keep it quiet after your married a** gets caught up in a prostitution sting down in Cicero. You can't buy friends like that, y'all. Anyway, Mrs. Johnson is sitting pretty with her half - $700 million - a very saavy return on investment. Can't hate on that - old girl swooped it fair and square.
Now to address item #2 - "give you hope and a goal to shoot for". The thoughtful folks at Forbes sliced and diced that list twelve ways to Sunday, but one very useful slice was the 'Eligible Bachelorette' cut. That's right homeys - there are billionaire shortys waiting for your call! Now if you factor in the sweet play Mrs. Bob Johnson pulled, you can begin to concoct a scenario that has you married, divorced and chilling in your $46 million dollar mountaintop villa in St. Lucia in no time at all. Unfortunately, I missed my window of opportunity with the billionaire shorty I had my eye on - Maria Asuncion Aramburuzabala, the Mexican beer heiress.
Net Worth: $1.8 Billion
Although only rocking a 6.2 on the Shorty Daaamn Meter, our relationship wouldn't have been based on the superficiality of physical appearance anyway. No y'all, I've outgrown such childish trifleness. Ours would have been a relationship based on an appreciation of two things 1) tall cheddar and 2) fine Mexican beer as old girl holds a 15% stake in Mexican beer giant Grupo Modelo, maker of Corona and Negra Modelo - my two favorite brews (especially Negra Modelo). It would have been a marriage made in heaven, y'all, but alas it was not to be. No sooner was her divorce final from husband #1 when the U.S. Ambassador to Mexico back doored me and married homegirl one month later. Fellas - take note: You snooze, you lose!! So get to work homeboys - check out the list, dust off your archive DVDs of American Gigolo and The Mack and start working your game. Play your cards right and old Tyrone might just see your name on the 2006 list (in which case all I'm asking for is my customary 10% for puttin' the notion in motion...)