I was rolling in the hoopty today, scrolling through a few choice iPod playlists and clicked on the explicit version of Lil' Jon's What U Gon Do? . I swear y'all, that joint is truly a cut where they decided to mix in some standard words into an arrangement that's basically an ode to foul cussin'. Like Patricia Arquette in Medium I can see what's coming, y'all. Hold your hands up in a little screen like those movie directors and let me paint the picture....
Here's the new reality show I plan to pitch to UPN for their Fall 2005 line up. It's a ghetto version of the Osbournes featuring Lil' Jon as a family man - he's now married to Christina Milian and they have a precocious two-year old, Lil' Jon Jr. In Episode One, Mama Milian is dragging Lil' Jon Jr. through the front door, clearly upset. Lil' Jon Jr. has been sent home from his Montessori Pre-School for cussing. Let's look in:
Mama Milian: "I can't believe you Lil' Jon Jr. - you just wait til your father gets home!"
Lil' Jon Jr.: "Whaaaattt? That bit** a** nig*aaa - what he gon do?"
Mama Milian: "Did you hear me Lil' Jon Jr.?"
Lil' Jon Jr.: "Yeaaaaah! - Did you hear me, mama?
[Lil' Jon arrives home from the studio. Mama Milian has already tipped him on his celly cell]
Lil' Jon: "Boy, I'm a tear that little a** up!"
Lil' Jon Jr.: "Whaaat? What's up?" [Lil' Jon Jr. turns up his sippy cup and takes a hit of crunk juice]
Lil' Jon Jr.: "I aint' scared of you and your clique of pus** a** bit*hes. Only bit**es talk sh*t, only bit*hes talk sh*t, only bit*ches talk sh*t that why I bustin' your sh*t - I'm real nig*aaaa, y'all ho*s!"
I'm smelling Emmy for best new reality show, y'all! On the real tip, Lil' Jon AND the East Side Boyz need to fall up into church - quick. Can a brother get an amen? Shoot - compared to that crew, the Osbournes don't know jack about cussin'...
Speaking of the Osbournes - how is it Sharon and Ozzie can make it but Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston can't? Old Tyrone is feeling blue, y'all. Not Brad and Jennifer! Whyyyy, whyyyyy? You know I have to laugh at all the ink they're getting for breaking up - how about a little ink for Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith for staying together? If Brad and Jen are the Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward of their generation, I guess that makes Will and Jada the Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee of our South Side generation. Maaa fact, how come you don't hear more about black Hollywood couples breaking up? Give me a holler if you can think of one recently.
In the meantime let me hit you with a glossy of the happy couple before I jinx they a** and they show up in People Magazine next week...
Will and Jada
Oh snap - forgot to include Big Willie - my bad, y'all. Let me try that again....
Jada & Big Willie Style
Ahhh, there y'all go. Now if you check that glossy closely, you'll clearly see why Big Willie and Jada are still kicking it. Ya got to keep the spice up in it, y'all!