Gabrielle: A More Perfect Union...

Wassup, Y'all!

Just as I was coming to grips with the sad fact that I'll be missing my weekly dose of Garcelle Beauvais this fall (because ABC canceled my show 'Eyes') a quick peep at ABC's fall schedule reveals a worthy replacement shorty warming up in the wings. It turns out that not only is ABC reworking one of my favorite back-in-the-day shows - Night Stalker - they've had the good sense to include a sexy shorty in the cast to help pull in the wavering south side demographic. Enter stone hottie Gabrielle Union sliding back to the small screen after a critical beat down in that whack Honeymooners remake (didn't I tell y'all? But noooo - nobody listens to old Tyrone)...

Though Gabby's rocking a solid 8.3 on the Shorty Damn Meter, I'm still not sure I'm buying her complete package. Seems to me she projects a lot of that 'get out my face' vibe so evident in some of her characters like old girl from "Bring it On" and old girl from "Deliver us From Eva". You know - that evil south side shorty who's always player hatin' or blocking for her girls. She denys that she's anything but sweetness and light in the July issue of Ebony but I'll have to sample the experience firsthand (once Chris Howard - her former NFL playing husband - stops blocking, that is...) to believe it.

Anyway, there's no doubt Gabby's all over the urban dial these days due to the Honeymooners PR tour but as glad as I'll be to see her popping up regularly this fall, I'm looking forward to seeing how they hook up Night Stalker. For those uninformed readers, the back-in-the-day Night Stalker followed the life of a Cali newspaper reporter - Carl Kolchak - who always seemed to wind up covering stories that ended up related to paranormal happenings. Think The X-Files with a reporter running the show instead of FBI agents and instead of aliens to creep you out, they keep to the more mundane horrors like vampire or werewolf serial killers. Those creepy joints are always good for getting the shorty on the other side of the couch to ease on over to your side (which kinda makes the show a drama *and* a Public Service spot).

So things aren't looking so bad after all, y'all. I'm building up a little enthusiam for the fall TV season. And Gabby? Just one bit of advice for you as you lick your wounds from The Honeymooners, homegirl... When you hit the small screen this fall - Bring It! (cuz I'm tired of my shows getting canceled!!)

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Axe: The Pipe Layer's Bodywash...

Wassup, Y'all!

Lately I've been cracking up at Unilever's ad campaign for their flagship Axe line of bath and deodorant products pour homme. The central premise is that use of their product leads to the Axe Effect, a supercharged, pheromonal experience that will leave the shortys weak with desire and at the mercy of the uncontrollable urge to get next to you. As a guy, I'd have to say this campaign is pretty appealing especially if just taking a shower with the stuff can get the sexy shorty in the apartment under yours to grind on your (water) pipe (what other pipe did you think I was typing about, player??)...

These ads are all over the joint now. I've caught a couple that now use the tag line: 'How dirty boys get clean'. Let me just go ahead and give the creative ad agencies behind this two snaps up for getting right to the heart of why guys bother to get clean in the first place. Another ad has a homey riding behind his girl on a bicycle built for two and spending his ride admiring her trunk junk. Now a homey could exercise like that all day, y'all. With flow like this is it any wonder that Axe is sponsoring FHM's 100 Sexiest Women in the World contest? I think not. It's brilliant!

And speaking of brilliant - I've got to give at least a 'wooooo' to their subtle print campaign that features the bare backs of sexy shortys with cute little imprints on them that drop a clue as to where they've been getting busy with their Axe wearing men (all playing to the tag line: 'It can happen anywhere'...). To wit, the glossy on the right that shows a sexy shorty with an imprint of elevator buttons down her back (I have to admit it took me a couple seconds to figure out the connection...). Ha! That's good stuff, y'all. The other print ad I saw had a sexy shorty with an imprint of a steering wheel on her back. Go 'head, Axe! What's next - a washing machine dial? Kitchen cutting board? The possibilities are endless...

If nothing else I'm going to have to go by the store and at least sniff a bottle to see what's up. If it leads to a sexy shorty ending up with cash register button imprints on her back, that'll probably get me to buy a bottle or two... ;-)

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

HBO's Entourage Dropped The Ball, Y'all...

Wassup, Y'all!

Summertime is when I sample new shows to see if they're worthy to move onto the regular Malone Zone TiVo rotation. Normally I'm pretty ruthless. If I'm not feeling a show after the first 15 minutes (30 if it has an 'intriguing' collection of sexy shortys...) then it's out - purged from the Season Pass list henceforth now and forever. The latest two shows to stand in judgement are HBO's The Comeback and Entourage - both on Sunday nights. While The Comeback is queued up for purging (despite *two* sexy shortys, neither of which is Lisa Kudrow - hit the link to check the actual factuals), Entourage caught my interest mainly because they could have taken a clue from old Tyrone, mixed in an urban vibe and made it sooooo much better...

To bring non Entourage viewers up to date, the show is about Vince Chase, a young guy from Queens, New York who makes a hit film and becomes a Hollywood star. Next thing you know, he and his boys (Eric and Turtle) and his brother Drama are living large in LA enjoying the spoils of being friends (or related to) someone young, rich and famous.

So I'm thinking hmmmm, who kicks an entourage better than the hip hop homeys? I mean MC Hammer's broke a** pretty much invented the entourage (and the now unwritten rule on keeping the total number in your entourage to 17,000 or less...). Come on HBO! That show could have gone from good to great by featuring a hip hop crew like Nelly and the St. Lunatics! I say this now after *finally* downloading their 'Tip Drill' music video (uncensored) after listening to all that woofin' about it from Donte and Big Mike over on 2 Guys 2 Cities (on point woofin' I might add...). Man, those boys were some straight heathens in that joint. Perfect for a cable outlet that props shows like Real Sex and Cathouse: The Series. You could have pulled in the south side crowd, the sex crowd, the hip hop crowd *and* the curious north side crowd. Man - do I have to do *everything*!! (Side Note: Even if Mo'Nique was standing on the San Andreas Fault during the Big One, there'd *still* be more a** shaking going on in that Tip Drill video! Wooooo. Although I have to admit, swiping a credit card through a shortys cheeks is a little over the top... Ladies, for pointers on the proper way to handle unsolicited a** play, take a page from my girl Pheebs who's never afraid to confront the issue directly...)

A weak second entourage choice would have to be Oprah and her crew. That would have been riviting television last week when they got the cold shoulder from the Hermes store employees when - just like south side folks - they tried to bust up in that mug after closing. Oprah immediately dropped the race card on that ruckus claiming it was
"one of the most humiliating moments of her life...". Wow - and I thought getting laid out in dirt in the Color Purple and then having the wind blow your skirt up topped that! Okay - cheap shot but old girl was *shopping*, y'all.

Anyway - if HBO doesn't swoop this idea, I'm going all Michael Moore and film my own Entourage documentary series about a fly hip-hop crew called Damn Heathens (shout out to Chingy!)...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Dreamgirls Party All The Time...

Wassup, Y'all!

The more I hear about it the more I'm looking forward to peeping the finished product. The 'it' is the film version of the rocking 1982 play Dreamgirls which had already reeled in a cast that included Jamie Foxx, Beyonce and Usher. Now that Eddie Murphy has signed on as well, Dreamgirls is shaping up to be a hot ticket (on paper)...

The south side nation is well aware of the Dreamgirls story - a rags to riches tale about The Dreams - a trio of singers loosely based on the Supremes of Motown fame. The play helped 'launch' a few careers - Jennifer Holliday (whose soulful rendition of 'And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going' became her signature song) and Sheryl Lee Ralph, who played the 'Diana Ross' character Deena Jones on Broadway - the role Beyonce will be taking over in the film.

I'm holding out hope for this joint, particularly because the same guy who did the movie version of Chicago (Bill Condon) is doing Dreamgirls. I got a chance to see both the play and film versions of Chicago and old boy knows his business. I still crack up at that Chicago 'Cell Block Tango' - He had it coming!

Eddie will play James 'Thunder' Early, the star The Dreams first sing back up for and word is that Donkey will be doing his own singing (hopefully not that whack a** La Vida Loca he sang with Antonio Bandaras at the end of Shrek 2!!). Man - I'm already dusting off my 12" single of Party All The Time and adding it to the Hoopty Old School Rotation! Girl I can't understand it, why you want to hurt me...you give your number to every man you see...

Hopefully the stars will line up and this joint will live up to the building hype because now that Destiny's Child is folding and Beyonce's film resume includes Austin Powers Goldmember, The Fighting Temptation and the upcoming (and much delayed and already panned) The Pink Panther, old girl can use a hit that showcases her talent. Refer to the glossy above to see her talent in action. I remain in awe of Jay-Z everyday, y'all...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Malone Musings...

Wassup, Y'all!


l-r: Jam Master Jay, Notorious BIG & Tupac
Yo 5-0! Any leads yet???
At least Biggie's family is still moving forward with their wrongful death suit against the LAPD, but that's not the only thing on my mind...


Field of Crosses in Kigali, Rwanda
What would it be like to sit through the movie Hotel Rwanda and know you could have done something about it (Bill Clinton)?


I'm guessing Hollywood Trespasser, at the party, with the beer bottle!
Dang Leo! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I thought you knew, cousin. Just ask the Detroit Pistons' Darvin Ham...


Connecting the dots...
Finally, I just peeped the commencement address Steve Jobs gave at Stanford University about a week ago. I normally get my best sleep during commencement addresses, but Jobs' plea to 'find what you love' stuck with me, particularly how events that seemed to be setbacks in his life actually turned out to set the stage for even bigger achievements (like Pixar). If you're still wondering about your path in life - give it a peep.

Okay - brain off. Time for some mindless TV watching... :-)

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Thankful for the thick

Wassup, Y'all!

I'm too through with E!Online as they recently gave my girl Alicia Keys *one* star (out of five) on the outfit she's kicking on the right. First, E! stop hating on Alicia! Second, thanks for the glossy as that dress is accentuating what I've always (superficially) admired about the talented songstress - her prototype thickness...

Faithful TM blog readers will remember my original post on this a little while back when I was appreciating another AK glossy with her putting a hurting on some jeans. With that bod, AK's wardrobe ought to be happily collecting some serious combat pay. And don't think the thick is reserved exclusively for the south side shortys, y'all. I *accidently* tuned into ABC's summertime smash Dancing with the Stars and YO - Rachel Hunter is killing her outfits too! Her skin and bones supermodel days are gone and old Tyrone ain't complaining a bit.

Actually, I really tuned in to see how former heavyweight champ Evander Holyfield would make out. I have to give the brother credit - he took a shot but there's a reason the good professional dancers are small in stature with little a** feet. Unfortunately they booted Evander and his hot dance partner, Edyta Sliwinska, after the second round. Good call but boooo anyway. I'm also a little partial to the little sexy shorty Joey Mac (Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block. Side Note: Wouldn't he be considered a ringer in a *dancing* competition?) is dancing with Ashly DelGrosso (she's kicking a bit of that Tisha Campbell trunk junk - she's no Tisha but I have to drop a woooooo anyway). Anyway - all the celebs on that show have a *lot* of heart especially when each *live* show is pretty much a train wreck waiting to happen... Choo choo, y'all. Choo choo

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Batman *Really* Begins...

Wassup, Y'all!

Daaaaamn. I'll be the first to tell you after the first four Batman joints old Tyrone was skeptical that this fifth joint - Batman Begins - would be anything but more of the same. Well to paraphrase that wise hip-hop sage Nelly: Dude, stand on the left cuz you know you ain't right...




They took Batman back his Dark Knight roots, gave him a deep backstory, tricked out his gear and created the same character on screen that a legion of DC comic fans (including biddy bop Tyrone Malone) loved in the comic (particularly the darker graphic novels). With this latest incarnation, they took it deep, y'all. I'll have to give 3.5 Spinners - particularly cuz they got my main man Morgan Freeman in that joint. Even the casting of Christian Bale (the casting I spent big time cracking on as I'm not (wasn't) too fond of his work since his racist, homicidal turn in John Singleton's Shaft remake) was dead on the money. I could even stand smirkin' Katie Holmes for 2 hours and 15 minutes, so that should tell you a lot about this movie. Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever & Batman & Robin - y'all really need to be ashamed of yourselves...

Looks like the summer movie season is *finally* here...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Kerry (Washington) is so very...

Wassup, Y'all!

The word to finish that thought is HOT...I finally caught Mrs. Ray Charles in Mr. & Mrs. Smith yesterday (3 Spinners, y'all - go peep that joint...) and after seeing her in Ray and again in this movie, I've determined that I just like looking at her. So a quick peep online to dig up some actual factuals on old girl reveal that I won't have long to wait to see her light up the screen again...


As luck would have it, Kerry (yes, that's right. Me dropping the duckets to see her in *two* movies gives me first name privileges..) has also swooped the Alicia Masters role in the upcoming Fantastic Four. This role should stretch her range as all comic connoisseurs know, in FF Alicia is a blond, northside, blind shorty that kicks it with a orange, rocky guy known as The Thing. Hmmm, sounds a little kinky and perhaps a role better suited for her freakarific M&M Smith co-star Angelina Jolie.

I have to admit y'all, the camera *loves* that chick and she was smokin' in M&M Smith. All that hype about her chemistry with Brad Pitt is pretty much on the money and a brother can see how she could just pretty much blink and blow Jennifer Anniston out the box. Although M&M Smith was trying to figure out if it wanted to be an action flick or a romantic comedy - A. Jolie's hotness jacked my Spinner rating up from 2.5 to 3 (for those counting she also rocked a 9.5 on the Shorty Damn Meter)

Which brings me to my final point. I do so tire of hearing shortys spout that consistent jibber-jabber about how 'bad boys' are so sexy. Northside shortys refer to them as 'bad boys', the southside shortys refer to them as 'thugs' or 'soldiers'. After vibing on A. Jolie's pedigree (her fondness for knives & tattoos, carrying Billy Bob's blood around in a necklace, yada, yada) and seeing how well she cleans up, a brother could do worse than to kick it with her bad girl behind. I'm seeing the appeal of the dark side, y'all. And sure, later on I may find myself burnt up with no legs and have to use a black helmet to breath but if it can work out in the end for Darth Vader, it can sure work out for old Tyrone. Now if I can just get those digits...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Homeboy Shopping Network Purchase?

Wassup, Y'all!



Word has reached the Malone Zone that the Wayans brothers (seen above minus newly unemployed brother Damon) are looking to build a film studio on an old abandoned army base in Oak-Town. While I appreciate the boyz effort to redirect some duckets back into the community, I'm shuddering at the keyboard trying to visualize a green light for 'White Chicks 2' in 3D...

According to the article the base is only 70 acres so right off the bat you see the issues they're going to have trying to fit all the Wayans family members inside that joint. And just so we're straight, although I vibed with Keenan Ivory's In Living Color (maybe because it was only 30 minutes which seems to be the perfect sized slice of Wayans humor) I can't say I've been a fan of their movies (with the exception of A Low Down Dirty Shame - I liked Jade Pinkett's (pre Big Willy Style) Peaches character...). Shawn and Marlon are a little too over the top even for my a**. Some where along the line they forgot that with comedy - less is more, maaaaaan.

Anyway, looks like the deal will get done since for the moment they're up against that fearsome competition bidder Nobody. Dang - if I had some loot I'd jump in there just to make sure the deal *didn't* happen. Letting those boyz have their own film studio is like slipping a rock of crack to Dave Chappelle... Oh snap! Did I just type that out loud??



Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Destiny's Child: First 'The Fall' now 'The Split'

Wassup, Y'all!

Wow - kinda unfortunate the M-Jack verdict came down today - with all hysterical hubbub drowning out the blogosphere, the news that sassy shorty trio Destiny's Child is calling it quits *almost* passed me by! I'm sure in the days to come the dazzling divas will get their due on the high profile blogs but tonight, a fitting Malone Zone send off will have to do...

Man, I remember it just like it was yesterday that Kelly and Beyonce were kicking out members and gluing in new ones. Who can forget 'The Fall' on 106 & Park, when Michelle hit the stage like a ton a bricks while her girls Kelly and Beyonce just looked at her and kept on dancing. The show must go on y'all. And I was *just* getting over the demise of those funky En Vogue divas... I wonder who will rise up to fill the void? A homeboy can only take those roughneck hip hop divas for so long you know...

What the Phunk?...Finally swooped the new Black Eyed Peas joint Monkey Business and that joint is off the hook. I'm moving most of those cuts into the Hoopty Rotation. I'm not sure if it's the off the wall, unique sound that crew has or me just visualizing Fergie in any of their videos that makes the music that much more appealing. Anyway, old girl is doing her thing and I'm pumping her in Stery-ery-ery-ery-eryo. How'd those knuckleheads ever get along with out her?

MZ crack backs...before I go, I'd be remiss if I didn't drop a couple Malone Zone crack backs. First, the 'stunning surprise' that The Chosen One - Kellen Winslow, Jr. is out for the season (old news) and Cleveland will be looking to get some of it's loot back (inevitable news). To that I can only quote my girl Pheebs and drop a patented: hahahahaha Hopefully, this will be the last we'll hear of big money athletes indulging in whatever they please despite the risks (Ricky Williams excluded - Ricky, pass the Dutchie, homeboy!)

Lastly, tough break for Tyson Beckford, who taking a page out of DMX's driving handbook, cracked his hoopty up on a utility pole. Actually his deal was a little more serious than DMX getting into a fender bender with a police car - Tyson's joint actually caught fire. Anyway, I guess old boy's X'ed out of the Tyrese Gibson role when they cast The Fast and The Furious 3. Dang - I was looking forward to that joint too...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone