Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Southside Police Blotter: MJ, OJ , Bobby & Steroids

Wassup, Y'all!

You know a police blotter isn't complete without a Bobby Brown sighting or an OJ sighting for that matter. But what I plan to focus on today basement dwellers is the MJ sighting. No, not #23 Michael Jordan, but #057-33-0975 Marion Jones who recently crossed the tape and was awarded a 6 month bid in prison. In a eerie coincidence, no sooner did news drop on her sentencing for lying to FBI agents about her steroid use than news began sprouting up all over the blogosphere about an Albany Times Union story proporting that 'thousands of celebrities' have either received or used steroids and injectable Human Growth Hormone.

The who's who list includes Mary J. Blige (how do you think her hair turned blonde, y'all??), 50 Cent (why do you think this brother has a beef with everybody, y'all??), Tyler Perry (why does Madea look like a linebacker, y'all??) and Wyclef Jean (why...uh...why...uh...dollar bill...I got nothin', y'all). One might ask what celebrities have to gain from this type of ruckus? Mo'Kelly breaks down the actual factuals over on his mug, but the bottom line is when you're in an industry that pimps looks, you have to do what you can to pimp your ride (in a manner of speakin'). Now I haven't seen the entire list but I know it's all a sham if that bad boy doesn't include the following glaring abusers...

First, Vida Guerra. I know you shortys out there are thinkin' that ol Ty is just using this news story as a flimsy opportunity to post gratuitious glossys of scantily clad shortys. I'm hurt by the insinuation. I'm breakin' news here, y'all! Do you think it's a coincidence that this glossy of Vida was snapped at the premier of Tyler Perry's 'Madea's Family Reunion'? Me neither. Check the archives - ol Ty has long said that a body like that couldn't be natural. There's has got to be some HGH at work here. Got to. So Vida gets no dap in my book and she has *got* to be on the list.

Exhibit #2? Nicole Austin (aka Ice-T's girl, Coco). Now come on! Errrbody knows that chick ain't natural! When have you seen a woman with her genetic makeup bring the power like that? Exactly - never. Here is a clear example of what happens with regular HGH injections into the hind part area. What you don't see on her airbrushed glossys is the beard and back stubble that her waxing can't keep up with. Shortys - y'all are feelin' me now, right? Two seconds ago you were all hatin' and what not, now it's like 'hmmm...you know what? Ol Ty is on to somethin'. You know Coco's got to be on the list too.

Finally, Exhibit C, Buffy The Body. Damn. Here you see...uh...well, it's kinda obvious that...or maybe she's retainin' water...uh...okay, I got nothin'. I admit I was triflin' on this one and just wanted to put the glossy up. Ol Ty's human too - don't hate. I mean you could make a case that the 'Buff' in Buffy comes from steroids. She is all swole like Fiddy or like D'Angelo before he stopped usin' and began a long term relationship with the buffet at Sizzler. I also hear that the formerly buff Eminem is now being referred to as The Real Grim Shady in the wake of his mom's book which alleges a big weight gain, acne and addiction to pills (not to mention homeboy's erratic, hair trigger temper - typical reaction to steroid use followed by weight gain once you kick the habit. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'. Of course, he could also be depressed due to the death of his boy Proof, the implosion of his romance with love her/hate her ex-wife Kim, blah, blah, blah, but that story is nowhere near as juicy...

Matter of fact, given the alleged wide scope of celebrity steroid (ab)use, I might have to throw Regina King under the bus as well, since she was looking pretty buff in 'This Christmas'. Don't think I didn't notice R-King! You're not as slick as you think trying to distract a brother with that lingerie, homegirl. As you can see from this post - nothing can distract ol Ty when he's on the case! Serena! Don't think I forgot about you either, homegirl!



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