Now I know what you're thinking. I know you shortys out there are already on the phone to your girls talking 'bout: Girl, Tyrone has lost his damn mind - he's got a picture of a toilet on his blog!! But hold on you uninformed, rusty butt readers - that's not just any toilet glossy I've dropped on you. Behold Toto's bathroom champ the Neorest 600 Elongated Toilet *and* bidet (say it with me y'all - Beh 'day) Combo. Laugh all you want but I have no doubt that if Queen Oprah ever parked her double wide on this bad boy it would instantly become her #1 Favorite Thing (everybody gets a toilet! You get a toilet, you get a toilet, you...). Meet me after the jump to behold all the marvels your $3,500 can buy and peep the who's who of Hollywood Booty that calls the Neorest 600 home, sweet home for those morning constitutionals (as grandmama Malone used to say)...
Believe it or not I first peeped this bad boy in Wired Magazine during my search for blog material (see how hard I work for, y'all??) and I thought it was a joke, but this bad boy is the real deal. Here's just a taste of the features:
Integrated Washlet Technology (bidet): This joint is like a car wash for your booty. You don't even need TP as it "...provides gentle front-and back-aerated warm water spray, which can be regulated for preferred water pressure and temperature. Other technologically-advanced features include oscillating spray massage, heated seat, automatic catalytic air deodorizer, and warm air dryer..." According to Big Willie Style (Will Smith) this joint 'hits the bulls-eye everytime' (no lie!). Just look at Jada cheesing! It's because her man just got hooked up with a fly booty wash, y'all! Never underestimate the sexy allure of a well washed man...
Self Cleaning: "...a cleaning mode that keeps the Cyclone Rim Scouring Motion circling the rim. With this unique function, one does not have to flush repeatedly to clean the toilet bowl. The Self-Cleaning Mode has a timer, which stops after one minute and automatically drains the water to keep the bowl hygienic when combined with SanaGloss, TOTO’s revolutionary glazing process that seals the porcelain with an ionized barrier that prevents – even repels – particles from adhering to this super-smooth, non-porous high-gloss surface." Fellas - now your domestic boo will have more time for you!
Automatic Funk Control: "Exclusive, too, is the NEOREST’s Power Catalytic Deodorizer function, which automatically engages when a user rises from the seat. This technologically-advanced feature effectively eliminates unpleasant odors from the room, relieving the worry of after-smell -- no matter the quality of the room’s ventilation system." See y'all - Toto's on the ball! They even have you covered on after-smell (which with some homeys can be substantial...matter o fact, some of you shortys can light up the night too...). Just think - no more matches, y'all!
The Marriage Saver: "The Neorest's lid automatically opens whenever an individual approaches and closes the lid and flushes when you leave." I can hear you shortys applauding out there. Hmmm, y'all are feeling me now...
Who's been chilling on the Neorest? Big Willie and Jada, Brad Pitt, J-Lo (no surprise with her diva behind), Cameron Diaz (now you know why Cameron likes to shake her booty in those Charlie's Angels joints...) and Charlie Sheen. Matter o fact - Toto needs to go ahead and talk to J-Lo or Vida Guerra about being spokesmodels with all that trunk junk they're carting around. Toto! Do I have to do *all* the thinking around here?
(Side Note: Pheebs - I *almost* made it through a whole post without dropping a glossy of a scantily clad shorty, homegirl - my bad...)