Stealth - One Knock Too Many...

Wassup, Y'all!

You know it's bad when you enjoy the previews more than the movie you came to see, but that's the way it went when I checked out Stealth over the weekend. There's a good quote in the trailer to Four Brothers by Terrance Howard who says: You go knocking on the devil's door long enough someone's gonna answer. That pretty much sums up my hard headed habit of going against the critics and checking out movies they clearly hate. It worked out (at least for me) with the last few flicks I checked out but the odds caught up with me this time, y'all and I'm still patting out the flames on my gear from this train wreck. Had I been paying attention, I would have noticed that if you drop the 'th' from the movie's title you end up with 'Steal' which is exactly what this movie did with my $7.50...

So now we have Oscar winner Halle Berry with her Catwoman (though I'm looking forward to seeing old girl as Foxy Brown when that movie drops) and Oscar winner Jamie Foxx with his Stealth (bringing back some back in the day 'oh yeah's' for Eddie Murphy in Tank...). I'm an action movie guy, I'm a sci-fi guy, I'm definitely a Jessica Biel in a bikini guy - all that and this movie *still* bit the big one. The only reason I'm even giving the joint *one* Spinner is because Jamie had a couple funny parts and Jessica *did* bust out in a bikini for a few but combined they were only worth about $0.75. On the other hand I'm sure when Jamie reads this post tomorrow (cuz we *know* J-Foxx has the kid's blog on speed dial...) I'm sure his response will be: 'Bump you Tyrone - see I'm able to date women like this while you spend your time up in your little basement writing in your little blog all night, potna'. My response would be: 'Damn brother that hurt - why don't you make it up to me by dropping Leila Archieri's digits since you dropped kicked her to the curb a few minutes back?' See - when one door closes, another opens, y'all...

Before I jet, I did want to direct your attention to the newest entry in my Rib Tips and Hot Links section. Apparently there really is an alternate universe where black is white and white is black. I got hipped to a tight blog called The Dark Stuff that's pretty funny and drops glossys of sexy shortys with abandon. Howard dropped by TM and gave me a shout out so I'm just sharing the love (and laughs). Head on over and drop a comment because you have to peep the glossy in the comment window - it gives a *whole* new meaning to the phrase Happy Meal, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Scotty doesn't know...

Wassup, Y'all!

Two for one night in the Malone Zone, y'all. This is actually a required post based on my 'three sighting' policy first outlined in my Madness in a Bottle post about brain curling Absinthe (which coincidently was also triggered by this tripped out movie...). Anyway, I can't explain my reaction to Eurotrip - a low budget 2004 flick about four high school friends kicking in Europe with one in search of his European pen pal (who turns out to be a hot eastern European shorty). My three sighting rule stipulates that if I see the same thing three times I'm obligated to blog about it. Damn DirecTV... I caught it again the other night and now I can't get that tripped out 'Scotty Doesn't Know' song out of my head. It's been looping since yesterday and I happened to be absent mindedly whistling it a work today and got busted out by a colleague - Dude, you watched Eurotrip!? This is where I go out on a limb and assume not too many of my south side homeys have peeped this joint. I can only encourage you to give it peep since it contains one of the funniest odes to shorty treachery I've ever heard...

The simple premise is that Scotty (homeboy who has the European pen pal that he originally thinks is a guy...) gets dumped by his (assumed to be long time) girl Fiona at his high school graduation. Later on that night at a graduation party, he steps up to watch a local punk band play. The lead singer (a cameo by Matt Damon) steps to the mike and dedicates his next song to the 'freakiest little sex puppet I know -- Fiona'. Scotty's ex-girl (Fiona) comes running through the audience and jumps on stage (check the glossy) and Matt breaks off this song called "Scotty Doesn't Know" about how he's been tapping Fiona from jump street and Scotty doesn't know (so don't tell Scotty)! The song becomes a running gag through the movie and Scotty's boy Cooper even has the song programmed as his cell phone ringtone. That's cold... The song link will take you to a Karaoke version so you can hear it and see the jacked up lyrics. If ever a shorty deserved a buffy beat down, it's that skanky scalawag Fiona, y'all.

Anyway, it's a goofy movie but it cracks me up every time I see it so it gets big points for that. Check it out and get your laugh on and if that doesn't do it, check out this ad clip for a wired pizza parlor called Pizza Palace. It's a quick glimpse on what life may be like once all your personal data gets out there on the Internet...it's funny. Don't drink liquids while watching, y'all.

Okay - I'm finally out!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Hollywood Booty's #1 Choice...

Wassup, Y'all!

Now I know what you're thinking. I know you shortys out there are already on the phone to your girls talking 'bout: Girl, Tyrone has lost his damn mind - he's got a picture of a toilet on his blog!! But hold on you uninformed, rusty butt readers - that's not just any toilet glossy I've dropped on you. Behold Toto's bathroom champ the Neorest 600 Elongated Toilet *and* bidet (say it with me y'all - Beh 'day) Combo. Laugh all you want but I have no doubt that if Queen Oprah ever parked her double wide on this bad boy it would instantly become her #1 Favorite Thing (everybody gets a toilet! You get a toilet, you get a toilet, you...). Meet me after the jump to behold all the marvels your $3,500 can buy and peep the who's who of Hollywood Booty that calls the Neorest 600 home, sweet home for those morning constitutionals (as grandmama Malone used to say)...

Believe it or not I first peeped this bad boy in Wired Magazine during my search for blog material (see how hard I work for, y'all??) and I thought it was a joke, but this bad boy is the real deal. Here's just a taste of the features:

Integrated Washlet Technology (bidet): This joint is like a car wash for your booty. You don't even need TP as it "...provides gentle front-and back-aerated warm water spray, which can be regulated for preferred water pressure and temperature. Other technologically-advanced features include oscillating spray massage, heated seat, automatic catalytic air deodorizer, and warm air dryer..." According to Big Willie Style (Will Smith) this joint 'hits the bulls-eye everytime' (no lie!). Just look at Jada cheesing! It's because her man just got hooked up with a fly booty wash, y'all! Never underestimate the sexy allure of a well washed man...

Self Cleaning: "...a cleaning mode that keeps the Cyclone Rim Scouring Motion circling the rim. With this unique function, one does not have to flush repeatedly to clean the toilet bowl. The Self-Cleaning Mode has a timer, which stops after one minute and automatically drains the water to keep the bowl hygienic when combined with SanaGloss, TOTO’s revolutionary glazing process that seals the porcelain with an ionized barrier that prevents – even repels – particles from adhering to this super-smooth, non-porous high-gloss surface." Fellas - now your domestic boo will have more time for you!

Automatic Funk Control: "Exclusive, too, is the NEOREST’s Power Catalytic Deodorizer function, which automatically engages when a user rises from the seat. This technologically-advanced feature effectively eliminates unpleasant odors from the room, relieving the worry of after-smell -- no matter the quality of the room’s ventilation system." See y'all - Toto's on the ball! They even have you covered on after-smell (which with some homeys can be substantial...matter o fact, some of you shortys can light up the night too...). Just think - no more matches, y'all!

The Marriage Saver: "The Neorest's lid automatically opens whenever an individual approaches and closes the lid and flushes when you leave." I can hear you shortys applauding out there. Hmmm, y'all are feeling me now...

Who's been chilling on the Neorest? Big Willie and Jada, Brad Pitt, J-Lo (no surprise with her diva behind), Cameron Diaz (now you know why Cameron likes to shake her booty in those Charlie's Angels joints...) and Charlie Sheen. Matter o fact - Toto needs to go ahead and talk to J-Lo or Vida Guerra about being spokesmodels with all that trunk junk they're carting around. Toto! Do I have to do *all* the thinking around here?

(Side Note: Pheebs - I *almost* made it through a whole post without dropping a glossy of a scantily clad shorty, homegirl - my bad...)

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Extra: OJ's Sunday Ticket a fake!

Wassup, Y'all!

*Sigh* I know this latest ruckus is related to a search of OJ's crib back in 2001 but still - I mean come on now! If there was *ever* a brother who needs to stay on the straight and narrow after dodging a Scott Peterson sized bid it's got to be our boy OJ. Now everywhere you look you see the headline blazing: OJ caught stealing DirecTV signal! Now there could be some very good reasons for OJ to be boosting a satellite signal. He could be scouring those 500 channels still looking for Nichole's real killer or he could be fiending on the NFL Sunday Ticket as he realizes he can never show his mug in an NFL stadium again. Hmmm, maybe when Michael gets back from his Middle Eastern sabbatical, he can rent out one of his Neverland guest houses out to OJ so he can cop a signal legimately. Man, and I was *just* encourage my boy South Side 'Tini Mack to do just the same so he could catch The Boondocks when it rolls out this fall. Of course I was just jokin', y'all. Dang, does OJ even have $25 large?...

Ode to Joy - Caught a quick shout out to my Shorty On The Rise Joy Bryant over on Got HipHop? Apparently the rumors are flying that old girl is kicking it with 50 Cent after getting up close and personal in their upcoming flick - Get Rich or Die Tryin'. I caught the trailer to that joint and it looks pretty good (Hustle & Flow's Terrance Howard is also in that one, y'all as he closes the gap on Jude Law for appearances in the most films in a calendar year. He's going for the Terrance Slam, y'all...). Anyway, after hearing The Game rapping about how 50 f*@ked Vivica (Fox) on his Dreams cut (from The Documentary), if I was a shorty, I'd be a little hesitant to date a wanksta gangsta rapper like 50 since clearly your back room boot knocking is going to find its way into a cut or two (not to mention show up as a hook on any of the G Unit crew's cuts). Something like "Joy Stick" or "Tappin' Joy". You know it's coming, y'all.

Ease back, Joy! Don't say you didn't read it here first!!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

More Malone Musings...

Wassup, Y'all!

You know sometimes a bunch of random, disconnected thoughts just have to find their way to daylight (or moonlight as is my case with my late night postings...). Today is one of those days y'all so don't expect one of my normal, exceptionally tight, thoughtful, very witty and humble posts this go 'round. Today is definitely soup du jour. First, the appetizer - a glossy sent my way by my boy 'Tini Mack (also an underground news source). As you can see, Women's Pro Beach Volleyball maintains its ranking as the #1 male spectator sport (at least in the Malone Zone...) and the beauty of it is you can watch guilt free without fear of getting clocked by your girl since it's a legimate, sanctioned sport (girl on girl, rolling in the sand celebrations included). The brilliance of this idea just keeps growing everyday...

A body, a crime? I'll tread carefully here, y'all but I just have to weigh in on this Pamela Rogers Turner ruckus. As you know, old girl was caught having a three month sexual affair with a 13 year old student. Where was old girl when I was in junior high day dreaming of a hook up like this? I'm pretty sure this is the same chick who's trying to fight the charges by claiming temporary insanity rather than copping a plea. Seems she believes she's too pretty to go to jail (no lie!) and thinks that she'd be a marked woman on the inside. Hmmmm...seems to me being pretty wouldn't have anything to do with it. You know how jail house felons have that tripped out code of ethics when it comes to child molesters. I'd say that alone would be more than enough to guarantee a night time visit from Tossed Salad Man's sister...

Finally, don't look now y'all but J-Lo's *still* married! Hold up - is the earth still rotating?? I gave old girl a hard time in my Boomerang Chick post a while back - is it possible that old Tyrone will have to reevaluate? Is there some crow warming up in the microwave? Time will tell. All I know is that I damn sure lost the J-Lo/Marc Anthony Break Up pool! Anyway, I had to drop a superlative glossy of old girl in celebration of the fact that she decided to hook up Marshals Field's in Chicago and let them be the first U.S. based store to carry her J-Lo product line. So now somewhere between the Frango mints and the Godiva chocolate, I can pick my boo up a J-Lo Wild Rose Camisole with removable garter belt (or maybe just the outfit on the right...). That would truly be a gift for the both of us...

Okay, wooooo - glad to get that out of my system. I'll now return you to my regular programming already in progress....

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The Boondocks gets its swim on...

Wassup, Y'all!

Finally! Man, I've been waiting a loooong time for my boy Aaron McGruder to finally get a network deal so he could bring my favorite comic strip - The Boondocks - to TV to compete with the likes of The Simpsons, South Park and King of the Hill. I've had the strip locked into my sidebar links from jump because I like A. Mac's sense of humor and the urban vibe he lays down with his little troopers Huey and Riley. But wait - there's more y'all. The really good news is that since the joint will be on cable and on late night, the Cartoon Network (actually their Adult Swim, grown folks outlet) has given A. Mac the green light to keep it real so the kids can continue to spit that same buck wild jibber-jabber that they've been spouting for years on the strip straight into your living room in Dolby surround sound...

For those new to The Boondocks, it's a fish out of water deal where two south side youngsters from inner city Chicago - Huey and Riley - move with their grandfather out to the suburbs (which they call 'The Boondocks' or The Boonies for you north siders...). A. Mac (on the right, y'all) keeps it fresh all the time and if you've ever had to make a similar transition - his insights on the pruned, manicured, straigtlaced suburbs is always on point. Think moving a couple street smart, city kids onto Wisteria Lane with those desperate housewives - shake well and enjoy...

I've been wondering for the longest how it was that South Park could kick it so long with their crew of little foul mouthed kids but there wasn't any room for 'docks to share the stage? If you're a regular reader of the strip, you'll know the Boondocks kids are rarely foul mouthed but drop some seriously real world sarcasm on up-to-the-minute events going on in the news. For instance they just finished cracking on McDonald's 'makeover' move to become more hip and fresh. McGruder actually took it a step further and has McDonalds going gangsta. Check out last week's strips and check out the new pimped out McDonalds characters (Ronald, Grimace and the Hamburgler) or McDonalds' new billboard advertising featuring Lil Jon-type models or the coining of two new terms bound to get picked up on the hip hop radar - McCrack and McHoochies. Those joints are too funny - check 'em out, y'all and get your laugh on. I'm already cuing up Tivo for the October Cartoon Network debut...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Hustled out my flow...

Wassup, Y'all!

Caught Hustle & Flow earlier tonight, y'all and I have to say that the acting was top notch, but the story didn't quite close the deal for me. I can only grant that joint 2.5 spinners - a far cry from the 'Second Coming of Ray' hype that Harry from Ain't It Cool News was showering down on this joint. Don't get me wrong - I liked it (and even downloaded a couple cuts from the soundtrack), but, as is normally the case when a movie spends some tall months getting hyped, it didn't meet my expectations. That said, Terrence Howard and Taraji P. Henderson (old girl was the sleeper star in my opinion) were off the meter and Anthony Anderson's toned down role did a good job of showcasing the fact that the brother does have some pretty good acting chops. What the movie does show (really well) is how these grassroots rappers can distill their life experiences into fresh rhymes and how 'kitchen' producers can wrap them in tight beats and lyrical hooks. Pretty interesting how-to, y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Hpnotiq - It's not the spelling that counts...

Wassup, Y'all!

First, a mini shout out to the blog as today marks my one year anniversary of vibing in the Malone Zone. 137 posts, 1 podcast (I know, I know - I'll get on it) and too many tight shorty glossys to mention. Man, time flies! Second, you social drinkers and hip hop hustlers will no doubt recognize the turquoise potent potable on the right. Up to last week I hadn't been feeling (or tasting) Hpnotiq but all that changed when I fell through my boy's crib to get my Texas Hold 'em on. I had heard the name and heard the hype but never thought twice about it since I was satisfied with my regular alcoholic rotation. Lesson #1 y'all - learn to diversify and do like my girl Pheebs - never leave the bar without trying at least one of everything! Lesson #2 y'all - make sure your posse includes at least *one* homey who possesses drink mixing skillz. In my posse, that would be my homeboy South Side 'Tini Mack, the brother who hipped old Tyrone to the fact that KFC ain't the only joint with a secret recipe...

In the case of Hpnotiq, the secret of how they get this vodka/cognac/tropical fruit blend to blush that dope azure blue color is about as well guarded as knowledge about 'Tini Mack's PhD in Mixology. I've known the brother about fiddy years now and I'm just now benefiting from his interest in alcoholic alchemy. 'Tini is short for martini - 'Tini Mack's speciality and the brother's so smooth he had the nerve to have a martini drink menu posted at the crib! Apple, watermelon, chocolate - the whole nine, y'all. So you know your boy Tyrone, I'm like - Dude - hook your boy up! After wettin' my beak on a few tight apple martinis, 'Tini Mack pulls out the Hpnotiq and asks if we want check out the Incredible Hulk. I'm like - Dude, how are we gonna play cards and watch TV at the same time? And he's like - Get a clue, Tyrone - I'm talking about the drink. Oh. So he topped us off with a few IHs that look like a high school chemistry experiment (you mix cognac with the blue Hpnotiq and it turns green) but go down smooth like butta, baby. Needless to say, we were hitting 'Tini Macks Tip Jar (told you the brother was smooth) all night, y'all! Hit the IH link up top to see the list of Hpnotiq drinks I'll be making my way through this weekend. If you happen to catch some jacked up typos in my next few posts, you already know what the deal is...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Top Ten TV Shortys I'm Missing...2-1

Wassup, Y'all!

I know what you're thinking as you cast your eyes on this tight glossy of Michael Michelle. True - old girl *would* have been my #1 pick if she hadn't been on the small screen this season. But as you can plainly see, ineligibility doesn't cancel out the hotness. I'm eagerly anticipating MM's next hook up. I'd prefer her finding another role on TV vs. the movies so I can fiend on a weekly dose but in her case, I'll take it any way I can get it. The way those Harry Potter books are flying off the shelves you'd think they slipped a few Tyrone Malone tight glossys in between those 600+ pages. Those joints are so thick word is they've replaced the yellow pages as 5-0's preferred tool for 'encouraging' jailhouse confessions. "What? You weren't there that night? Hold on, I think I got a copy of my daughter's Harry Potter right here. Oh yeah, here it go...BLA-DOW! Oh, so you *were* there..." Let me stop playing - I know y'all are anxious to behold the glossys within so let's get to it...

#2 Vanessa L. Williams (Boomtown - Det. Katherine Pierce) Now y'all know there was *no* way I was going to put together a list and not drop my girl Vanessa Williams in there did you? That's Vanessa L. not that tacky Showtime Soul Food Vanessa Williams who wouldn't give up the name in the Screen Actor's Guild directory (Phony Vanessa - if you're reading this girl - I'm just playing...). Actually it was kinda funny that those two were both associated with Soul Food (Vanessa L. played Teri in the film version and Phony Vanessa took over the role of Maxine from Vivica Fox who put her foot in the film role). Anyway, although foine Vanessa didn't last long in Boomtown, she lasted long enough to have me tuning in regularly and yelling at the TV to cut away from all the crime scene ruckus and get back to Vanessa's issues. Good news is she's headed back to the small screen with a UPN pilot called South Beach slated for next year (mid season replacement). Man, I'm still scratching my head about that bonehead Rick Fox. He had to know his basketball days were fading and that pretty soon the Boom-Pow groupies would be moving on to the young, up-and-comers like King James and D-Wade. Dummy! Dude, you had old girl locked! Oh well - guess that's all me now as soon as 'Nessa decides to return my calls...

#1 Jasmine Guy (Dead Like Me - Roxy Harvey / A Different World - Whitley Gilbert) Yes, yes, y'all. Foine Jasmine Guy tops my list. Regardless of whatever else she plays in she'll always be Whitley to me (a role that helped Jasmine pull in six consecutive NAACP Image Awards...). Jasmine has a lot of parallels to other shortys on the list - saditty like Kim Fields and Karyn Parsons and pretty much blew Lisa Bonet off of A Different World. As time went on that show gradually became hers and she had homeboys tuning in by the dozens. I *still* hate that I missed her turn as Velma Kelly in the touring production of 'Chicago'. My boy DLT told me she was off the meter and if you've ever seen the play, you know to play that role you have to bring it - singing, dancing and acting. That's why old Tyrone likes checking out live theater y'all. You can't fake talent on stage. Unlike all these pre/post processed Brickney-type singers - sound great in the studio - but put them live on stage and it sounds like a dog having sex with a cat (it's not pleasant, y'all). Anyway, when your pedigree comes from the Alvin Ailey American Dance Center, you have no problem droppin' it like it's hot and Jasmine's proof positive of that. I haven't seen any new TV projects on her horizon yet, but she's recently gone from triple to quadruple threat by writing Afeni Shakur - Evolution of a Revolutionary - a biographical memoir of Tupac's moms *and* she debuts at the top of old Tyrone's Top Ten TV Shortys I'm Missing List! Daaaang, ease up Jasmine!

So there y'all go. I know some of your picks didn't make it but that's why it's *my* top ten list! Seven days in the making but still tasty and less filling. Okay, plan to get your drink on in the next post as I graduate from Absinthe to ... (here's a hint - it's also mean and green!)

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Top Ten TV Shortys I'm Missing...4-3

Wassup, Y'all!

Man, I must be closing in on the #1 pick since I got homeys all up and down Martin Luther King Blvd trying to shout me down in the hoopty. Patience is a virtue, y'all - she's coming but before we get to her we've got to go through shortys #4 and #3 AND before I get there, I like to take just a second to prop my girl Taraji P. Henson as we all gear up for her to hit the screen in Hustle & Flow on Friday. Last I caught old girl she was playing Tyrese's baby's mama in Baby Boy (the movie that *still* has me trying to burn the scene with Ving Rhames cooking breakfast at the stove butt a** naked from my brain). I see she's also coming to the screen later this summer in Four Brothers - I liked that trailer y'all. Anyway, I liked her then, still like her now and it looks like old girl is ready for her close up, y'all. Can't wait. Okay - let's get it rollin'. Without further ado I bring to you the #4 and #3 TV Shortys I'm Missing from my Top Ten List...


#4 Holly Robinson-Peete (For Your Love - Melana / Like Family - Tanya) Man, I've been fiending on Holly since her 21 Jump Street days with Johnny Depp. Yeah, officer Judy Hoffs could have taken old Tyrone down to the station any old time, y'all. If you get a chance to peep her early glossys you'll see that she aged like foine woine. I really liked her in For Your Love, but I blinked and missed her on Like Family. I also appreciated the fact that she kept it real by hanging with her homegirl Terri Ellis from En Vogue. Man, I really miss the funky divas - especially sexy Cindy Herron - woooooo. Between TV gigs I see that Mrs. Robinson-Peete is taking a page from the hip hop book of entrepreneurship but instead of pimping doo rags, dubs and pimp juice she's gone strictly Martha Stewart with her own line of 'afforable and stylish maternity apparel'. How come no 'affordable and stylish paternity apparel'? You know homeboys want to style next to their big a** pretty, expectant sweeties! I have to do all the thinking around here...

#3 Malinda Williams (Soul Food - Tracy 'Bird' Van Adams) Need I say more? Two thirds of the Joseph sisters were smoking, jack (I'll let you figure out who didn't make my cut *cough* Vanessa Williams (the fake one) *cough*) and y'all know Nicole Ari Parker would have been on this list if she wasn't struggling over on UPN (and kicking it with play blocker Boris Kodjoe). Malinda had that hot hood rat thing going on. Did the whole beauty salon thing but you knew she only pulled in the money so she could get her nightclubbing on. Of course her hair was always tight and her club dresses even tighter. Matter fact, Malinda is probably the one who put the whole 'soldier' thing on Destiny's Child's mind since she was kicking it with Darrin Henson's thug gone good behind. Yeah Teri was the high powered lawyer, had the crack crib, the tall cheddar, the rolly-bling and all of page 12 from the Victoria's Secret catalog, but you could just look at Bird and tell she could rock your world so hard that you'd wake up a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and you just can't turn your back on something like that y'all...

Sleep well homeboys and girls for the morrow (or the day after the morrow) shall bring to you the cream of my missed TV Shortys List...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Top Ten TV Shortys I'm Missing...6-5

Wassup, Y'all!

Now I know y'all are sitting around saying, "Hold up! Tyrone, what the hell is Apollonia's played out butt doing in your Top Ten TV Shortys list?" Relax, old girl's not on the list, she just part of my six degrees of separation leading up to my list. Now y'all will remember that in the only good movie Prince ever made - Purple Rain - we had Ms. Kotero 'purifying herself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka' (link alert - rated TV-MA for brief nudity) and besides Morris Day and Jerome Benton, Prince featured his band The Revolution (before he kicked them to the curb in '86) and the band featured two musical shortys named Wendy and Lisa and it so happens that my #6 and #5 TV Shortys are also named Wendy and Lisa. Now! Thought I couldn't pull it all together didn't you? Okay, this was really just a cheap excuse for me to drop a glossy of Apples right quick since I ain't seen her since Falcon Crest was on back in 1823...

So here we are y'all, halfway home. Let's get to it.

#6 Wendy Raquel Robinson (The Steve Harvey Show - Regina Grier) Although Wendy Robinson has a tendency to pop up in the movies all unannounced (usually as one of a pack of girlfriends that hang with a major character) old girl caught my eye as the principle of the school Steve Harvey was 'teaching music' in. I like old girl - I thought she was pretty funny in Steve Harvey, she's easy on the eyes and can work it on the dance floor. Hmmmm, those sound like some pretty moms-worthy qualities to me, y'all. If you need to get your Wendy fix right away, I see she's currently starring in Martin Lawrence's soon to be blink-to-video movie Rebound (out now). In case you're confused - 'blink-to-video' means you need to go see that joint in the next six minutes before it leaves the theaters...

#5 Lisa Bonet (The Cosby Show/A Different World - Denise Huxtable) Ahhh, the enigma that is Liliquois Moon. Lisa Bonet was by far the weirdest of the four Huxtable girls on The Cosby Show. You knew from jump that old girl had at least one wingnut rattling around in her dome. There were times I wondered exactly what it was that Bill Cosby saw in old girl to even cast her as one of his daughters (and then give her her own spin-off show!), but mine is not to reason why, y'all. So I took the shallow approach and just enjoyed looking at Lisa. I don't know - there was something exotic about her that I couldn't shake. When she showed up later in small parts in movies like Enemy of the State and Biker Boyz every time she hit the screen I was like, 'hmmm, old girl is still weird but I'm still fiending for her'. I guess she's like the TV equivalent of crack. You know you shouldn't be bothered with it but you give a try just for kicks and the next thing you know, you're fishing coins out of the mall fountain right before you head back to the alley. One thing's for sure, there's no shame in her game, especially after busting out on the buck wild tip in Rolling Stone and in the movie Angel Heart (link alert #2!). Apparently playing a character called Epiphany Proudfoot wasn't enough so she decided to change her name to Liliquois Moon in the real world. If you ask me, old girl would have been perfect for any of the female characters in the Matrix movies - *perfect*, y'all. Tell me I'm lying!

Okay - 6 down, 4 to go. I'll pause for station identification and be back in a minute with the #4 & #3 picks.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Top 10 TV Shortys I'm Missing...8-7

Wassup, Y'all!

Before I get down to business with picks #8 & #7, I have a bone to pick with the August issue of Ebony magazine. Ebony - how you gonna put fine shorty Toni Braxton on your cover and then have old girl looking like she needs a laxative? Man - that whack glossy is like pimping out the interior of your Maybach with lime green crushed velvet! Shame, shame. Man, sometimes I think Stevie Wonder wouldn't have the first problem applying to be head photographer for Ebony or Jet and both those joints have been getting published since just before the civil war! We still tell stories of my great-great-great-great grandmama Cat Eye X bringing her Jet collection with her on the Underground Railroad... Anyway, let me stop crying and proceed to give you what you need. With out further ado I present the number 8 and 7 TV Shortys I'm missing from my Top Ten list...

#8 Karyn Parsons (Fresh Prince of Bel Air - Hilary Banks) You'll note from these next two picks that I was a big fan of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and it didn't have a damn thing to do with Big Willie Style or Carlton. They used to roll a bevy of cute shortys through that joint in guest spots like Nia Long and my girl Tyra Banks but the two other Banks girls Hillary and Ashley get my nod. First, I'm not sure what it was about my girl Karyn Parsons - maybe it was the fact that she was saditty like Kim Fields in Living Single. Whatever it was, I was paying attention every time she hit the screen and I had to break out the Kleenex when her fiance on the show - Trevor - got killed trying to propose to her while bunjee jumping. That episode was just wrong, y'all. I also liked her in Tim Meadow's blink-to-video movie Ladies Man. The part where she's been jilted at the alter and is sitting at a bar drinking in her wedding dress only gets better when Leon Phelps steps to her and tells her that she looks like she just shoved two hams down the back of her dress (if y'all don't get that, just peep this phony Serena Williams glossy and report back). Man, I wish I could drop classy lines like that...


#7 Tatyana Ali (Fresh Prince of Bel Air - Ashley Banks) Yeah - I know Taytana Ali played Karyn's *little* sister on the show, but as sometimes happens little sister grows up and leaves big sister in her tail lights. This is one of those times, y'all. Just like #10 TV Shorty Kellie Williams, Tatyana had to marinate a few seasons before stepping up to shorty status but who knew teriyaki, honey and barbeque sauce could do all that? Woooooo. I caught her recently playing a teacher on Lil Romeo's My Cinderella video (man funny how time flies) trying to turn out Lil Romeo. Dude, I had those same daydreams about my music teacher in junior high - ahhhh, Miss McCurdy. She rocked a solid 9.2 on my little biddy bop Shorty Damn Meter back in the day. If I *ever* had a teacher that looked like Tatyana up in my homeroom, I never would have graduated and would probably still be up in my mama's basement...hey, wait a minute...

Coming to a post near you Shortys 6 & 5 - stay tuned, y'all!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Top 10 TV Shortys I'm Missing...10-9

Wassup, Y'all!

You know the downside of watching so much TV is that you tend to get attached to certain characters and then are left jonesing once their shows get canceled and you can't get your weekly fix any longer. In my case it's not really the characters that I'm jonesing for but the shortys who play them. For example, how many biddy bop homeys were dreaming of foine Thelma (BernNadette Stanis) from Good Times. Ahhh, I wonder what old girl is doing these days? Okay, that's a little too back in the day (but check her out on DVD, y'all), but you get the picture. Anyway, in an attempt to recapture that canceled shorty magic, I've compiled my list of the Top Ten TV shortys I'm missing the most. Since I'm posting companion glossies my compilation is a bit too big for a single posting so I'll be dropping them a few at a time to build up the appropriate anticipation as we march toward Miss #1. So here we go with TV Shortys #10 & #9...

#10 - Kellie Shanygne Williams (Family Matters - Laura Winslow) Now bear with me here, y'all. I know little Kelly had to grow up a bit on the show first to achieve real shorty status but when she did - wooooo. Her transformation was enough to turn goofy Steve Urkel into suave player Stephon. I'm not ashamed to admit I copped a few of my early moves from Stephon, y'all. Any brother smooth enough to get Kelly all giggly was a brother who's moves went into the player's notebook I always carried with me. I'm sad to say I haven't seen old girl in a long time. I'm just glad to know that she avoided the porno route of her former Family Matters co-star Jamiee Foxworth.

#9 - Kim Fields (Living Single - Regine Hunter) Awwwww yeah. Something happened to little Tootie on the way from The Facts of Life boarding school days to the swinging bachelorette days of Living Single. I can name two things right off the bat, y'all. Of the four shortys kicking it on Living Single, Kim Fields had me locked and loaded *every* week. I even got into her little saditty faux cultured act because you knew under that fly designer gear, MAC make-up and Dark and Lovely wigs beat the heart of a little big chested hood rat down to kick it. I can't say I'm too fond of her new blond look but I know the entertainment business is all about standing out and getting some attention. I did catch her recently in a quick cameo on Lisa Kudrow's The Comeback on HBO (she was auditioning for the same part that LK eventually got). She's still got the same traffic stopping body, but that doo just reminds me of those albino twins in The Matrix Reloaded and once I go there - the magic is gone...

Okay - back in a few with picks 7 & 8! Stay tuned y'all.

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Missy pulls up to the bumper...

Wassup, Y'all!

After peepin' Missy Elliott's latest video "Lose Control" I feel compelled to speak my mind on just how much Missy's musical and cinematic flow calls back to the days of the original ultra-unique shorty - Grace Jones. Don't act like y'all don't remember Grace and clubbing to her cuts like Pull Up To The Bumper, Slave To The Rhythm and I'm Not Perfect. But just when I was finally getting over Grace's scary a** (she was the *original* Scary Spice, y'all!), Missy seems intent on droppin' videos that bring those childhood chills right back to life...

Man, back in the day Grace had some videos and album covers that would scare the taste out your mouth. She even parlayed that persona into a memorable movie character - the whacked out Strange (pronounced Stron' Jay) in Eddie Murphy's Boomerang (which also featured a pre-thick Tisha Campbell in a laugh-worthy role).

Anyway, as far as female rappers go, Missy is cranking it out the park these days and pretty much has been since she hit the scene. That girl's got her own style among the new generation of entertainers but a close look by those in the know (and y'all know your boy Tyrone is *always* in the know) shows some remarkable similarities in the works of these two off the wall shortys. Y'all know I have a fond appreciation for all things creative and Missy E. is killing on that front. Instead of falling in line with these cookie cutter video set ups (the dancing at night on the wet street, the rolling through the neighborhood with your 8 million peeps, the sun splashed, big baller villa in some Caribbean hot spot, you know how they do) Missy is pushing the envelope everytime and I appreciate that.

Whether her flow really is inspired by Grace Jones' trend setting butt is beside the point. Misdemeanor is setting the new standard and providing some Grace Jones-style thrills and chills to a whole new generation of biddy boppers and you sure can't hate on that, y'all.

Go 'head with your bad self, Missy!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Fantastic Fun

Wassup, Y'all!

Man - the haters are really out for this movie. Roger Ebert enjoyed it so much he gave it a coveted 1 star in yesterdays Chicago Sun Times. Roger - that hurts, homeboy. Once again, I find myself on the wrong side of the critics (and they universally hate this joint - 74% of reviewers on rottentomatoes.com gave it the dreaded tomato splat) but I'm wondering if any of them ever read (and enjoyed) the comic book? I think I still have a few here in the basement they can rent for a few. Seems to be a tough job to make a movie about a guy who can stretch his body like rubber, a guy who can turn himself in a human torch, a guy who looks like a walking pile of orange rocks and a girl who can turn invisible into a riviting, plausible thriller. Come on, y'all! Compare the homeboy attracting movie poster glossy of stone hotty Jessica Alba as Sue Storm to her comic book counterpart after the jump and tell me if they didn't get it right...

See? Everything is in the right places :-) Anyway I thought it was a fun movie - a little clunky with the dialogue at times but for the most part just what you'd expect from a comic book movie. I can't say the X-Men movies were any better but for some reason the critics seemed to like them better. Oh well - that's why you watch the movies and draw your own conclusions, y'all - everybody has different tastes. My gripe is that Kerry Washington's part was blink-worthy! That chick had like two scenes about five minutes each. Seems her best stuff landed on the cutting room floor. That's cold... Based on the reviews for this joint, a sequel seems to be iffy at best, so if the studio execs told her they'd 'focus on her character's development' in the next movie old girl got tricked!

Looking forward to Hustle and Flow next week (assuming it's next week as they keep showing different opening dates - 7/13, 7/20, 7/22 - what's that about?). The buzz is *still* building for this joint and how can a story about a rapping pimp and his ho's not be appealing? :-)

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Dancing with the Playmate

Wassup, Y'all!

Who knew? I had to hang tough through seven episodes of ABC's summer hit Dancing with the Stars to learn that winner Kelly Monaco - the little pixie from General Hospital (who looked liked she'd be the *first* star sent packing) just to find out that Ms. Monaco's entertainment career got a nice boost from her stint as Playboy's Miss April '97! Shout out to Defamer for hipping a brother. What the heck was I doing in '97 that he missed that issue? See y'all I may be late, but I *always* eventually make it to the party. Looking good Kelly (yesterday *and* back in the day)! If y'all plan to peep the link - you may want to make it a 'private' moment. By the way...is there a shorty in Hollywood who hasn't kicked it at the Playboy mansion?

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

What chu talkin' 'bout VH1?

Wassup, Y'all!

My bad - I'm still working on my next top 10 list so for the moment, I'm going to hit y'all with a little filler cuz I know you're fiending for the flavor - or to paraphrase my boy Ranathan Skuggs from the movie 'Sugar Hill' - 'This here's the flavor you savor up here, neighbor' (I love that saying). Anyway the glossy on the right should tip you to where I'm headed (along with a follow up kick in the a** for Lil' Kim) as I have a serious bone to pick with VH1 who blew the call by naming Gary Coleman the 'Greatest Kid Star' (out of 100!!). Gary Coleman!?? Man, come on!....

What about Eddie Munster (Butch Patrick #45!)? Me I prefer to go with the crew that grew up really, really well like little Rudy Huxtable (Keisha Knight Pulliam #19!) or Tootie from The Facts of Life (Kim Fields #23!) or even NYC City dweller Sara Jessica Parker from Square Pegs (#39) - though Sara's looking far from thick in those GAP commercials, y'all! Look we all know there's no way my boy Steve Urkel (Jaleel White #37) didn't take the top spot without the fix being in!! And what about Buckwheat, Stymie, Spanky and Alfalfa from The Little Rascals? Man, that crew didn't even make the list! How'd Buckwheat not make the list, VH1?? I do have to give VH1 a little dap since they did include those baggy clothes innovators Kris Kross on their list - they may have faded faster that Michael Jackson's complexion (Jackson 5 #11) but their influence on the hip-hop culture is still in effect, y'all. Yo - historical shout out to Kris Kross!

Finally, speaking of history - Lil' Kim got the low down at sentencing today and got slapped with a one year bid. Actually one year and one day - what the hell is that extra day about? Seems like the Judge is trying to be funny. Actually it could have been a lot worse for old girl since a 20 year bid was also on the table. Maybe Lil Kim and Shyne can hook up and kick a cell block duet. See I can type smack now (at least until one year and one day is up then I'm back to laying low...). Word is Lil Kim's looking to do time at the same spot our girl Martha Stewart (M. Diddy to you and me, y'all) served her bid up at Danbury. What's the deal with that joint? Seems to me if you're running a prison that gets more requests than Hot 97 at lunchtime, you need to tighten things up a notch or two - less low carb brownies and more license plate pressing. Last I looked Day Spa wasn't spelled P-R-I-S-O-N but I could be wrong...

I'm out!

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

Chris Tucker's Real Rush Hour 3...

Wassup, Y'all!

My bad for being asleep at the switch on this one. You'll note about a month ago I posted my 'Mother Tucker' post about Chris Tucker and how the rumor was that he had backed out of the next Rush Hour 3 movie. My main beef is that I'm a Chris Tucker fan and would prefer seeing more of him on screen and less of him doing nothing in particular. Now it comes to my attention - several months late - that CT had already filmed his own version of Rush Hour 3 on location in Georgia back in April. Turns out the climax was a 109 mile chase down Interstate 20. Only problem is that the only camera that caught the action was in the state police squad car chasing him...

As it turns out, CT was heading to 'church' in South Carolina doing 109 in a 70 mph zone and didn't notice the state police car behind him trying to flag him down until 12 miles down the road - hence the extremely well groomed mug shot provided courtesy of thesmokinggun.com.

I have no idea where I was when this story first broke, but thanks to the gifts that flow from the Internet, we can all relive the video footage and get a good laugh (*after* 5-0 puts their guns away and let Chris up off the hot concrete). Tucker's explanation that he was heading to church and just didn't want to miss it sounds like a classic scene from Friday. And you know this, maaaaaannnn! You can check a blow-by-blow of the pull over and exchange between Tucker and 5-0 here, y'all.

All I can say is CT's $162,000 Bentley is sweeeeet. Ah to be rich, famous and late for church....

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

War of the Whack

Wassup, Y'all!

Don't blame me - I was the one talking up this movie the over the last month. If there was any movie I wanted to see do well (and this one will - at least this weekend...) it was this one, but after catching the late night show of War of the Worlds last night, I seem to be in the 23% percent minority that left the theater feeling a little unsatisfied - and not just because there weren't any sexy shortys in the movie. Don't get me wrong - the special effects were off the meter - I haven't seen better anywhere. There was drama and suspense but when you spend most of the movie just wishing Tom Cruise would give his two kids a Department of Children and Family Services sized beatdown (and one of those kids is little a** Dakota Fanning) that tells me there's an issue with the plot, y'all...

The main issue is that the dysfunctional family angle distracted you from the real story - the end of the world. Little Dakota Fanning is starting to get a bit typecast as the precocious little girl (which she plays *really* well so I'm going out on a limb by guessing she probably really is precocious). From the first time I caught her in I Am Sam with Sean Penn, she's been pretty much playing the same character (kinda like Samuel L. Jackson) and this go 'round she was one annoying character. But what really clinched it for me was an ending that was unrealistic and unfulfilling. I never read the story by H. G. Wells so it might actually be his weak a** ending, but whoever's to blame. I didn't buy that joint for a second. Check it out then come back and tell me that I'm wrong.

Independence Day did the whole end of the world thing so much better (and had a plausible ending for how the earth was saved). Man you had jet fighters against flying saucers, aliens in Area 51 *and* Vivica Fox playing a rump shaker - always an added bonus to any end of the world mayhem and destruction, y'all. Maybe I liked Batman Begins because I really didn't have any high expectations for it from jump. Not so with War of the Worlds. From the first time I peeped that trailer I was like: I *got* to see that joint! I need to stop doing that...

So even though my boy Morgan Freeman was in this one too (unseen narrator in the beginning and end...) I can only give this joint 2.5 Spinners, y'all. Sad but true. Anyway - go check the joint out and draw your own conclusions. Mine are spelled d-i-s-a-p-p-o-i-n-t-e-d...

Peace@Least,

Tyrone

The Low Down on Terri's Down Low...

Wassup, Y'all!

Moment of silence for my boy Luther Vandross who passed today. RIP Luther!...........Okay, now you didn't think I could possibly pass up commenting on Terri McMillian's "humiliation" did you? *Especially* in light of Pheebs latest 'revenge' posting on an English shorty who got fed up with the antics of her radio DJ husband and put his car up for bid on eBay for 50 pence (about 88 cents US)! That's JACKED up! It's serendipity, y'all. Here we have Terri McMillian - successful author and idol to millions of shortys after publishing Waiting to Exhale (ultimate shorty revenge movie) and How Stella Got Her Groove Back - the story based on her own romance with a young Jamaican homeboy who six years later has decide to add a delicious twist to the perfect popcorn romance...

Long story short, girl (Ms. McMillan on the right) meets boy (Jonathan Plummer) half her age, boy turns girl out, girl marries boy and brings him to the US, boy becomes US citizen, six years later boy realizes he's gay, girl files for divorce, boy tries to get prenup overturned so he can collect some of girl's loot, girl goes postal and verbally bashes her 'fag' boy in court filings. For the detail oriented readers, here are the actual factuals. South siders have a term for homeboys who are married to women but sneak out to have sex with other homeboys. It's called being on the Down Low and it appears that's where Terri's man's been all these years. Me - I'm a little dubious that someone can just wake up one day and suddenly 'realize' they're gay. I'm with Terri that it all seemed to be a sham to get into the US and get citizenship but what do I know about true love? Calling all shortys - let this be a cautionary tale. If you're feeling down and blue - don't pout on a Jamaican beach and if you do and a studly Jamaican rasta boy half your age steps to you and you think it's too good to be true - it probably is. Be careful that it's not me ganga talking...

There are a few positives that came out of all of this. 1) Terri's movies brought foine Angela Bassett into the spotlight. 2) Stella was Taye Diggs' breakout movie (though he really hasn't had one since so he broke out and broke back in with the same movie...) which led to him getting the clout to get a greenlight on my (canceled) show - Kevin Hill which featured foine shorty Michael Michelle. 3) Taking a page from Angela Bassett's Bernadine Harris character in Waiting to Exhale who put all her cheating husband's clothes in his beemer and set it on fire, the late, great Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopez put all her cheating boyfriend's clothes (former ATL Falcon receiver Andre Rison) in his bathtub and set them on fire. Unfortunately the tub she thought was marble turned out to be fiberglass and she ended up burning down homeboy's mansion. What's positive about that, you ask? I never liked Andre Rison's showboatin' a** :-)

Peace@Least,

Tyrone